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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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March To Leave Participants Running Low On Elven Bread

Image result for elven bread
Yes, I think we’ll stick to pie and mash, to be honest

The small band of Brexiters taking part in the March To Leave journey from Sunderland to London are reportedly running low on their supply of nourishing elven bread, or Lembas.

A small piece of the wholesome, ‘waybread’ was given to each participant, wrapped in a single Telperion leaf, by march organiser, Nigel ‘Galadriel’ Farage, before they set out on their quest to rescue Brexit from the dark forces of Parliamendor last Sunday.

A spokesman for the marchers, calling himself, Banksie Son Of Bloat, spoke to newsmen from outside his club in London’s Bloomsbury.

“I have been informed of the shortage of Lembas and will be doing everything in my power to ensure that a fresh supply is sent to the boys and girls as soon as I have received the necessary bank transfers from them”

When challenged about the sparsity of the participants, he explained that there were over a thousand to begin with but many had been picked off by fearsome Snowflake Ring Wraiths shortly after setting off from an inn, and by raiding parties of extreme left-wing Remoaner Orcs on the outskirts of Hartlepool

Newsmen later confronted, march organiser, Farage, and asked him why he wasn’t participating himself.

He explained that he had been there the entire time but had been invisible because he’d been wearing the One Ring To Fool Them All.

He then slipped a gold band on his middle finger and disappeared into a wine bar in swish, Minas Mayfair.

Apologies to our valued friends from foreign lands who won’t have a clue as to what we’re taking the piss out of here. It’s basically a bunch of fuckwits trudging through the rain in support of a policy that will bring our country down to the level of a 3rd World banana republic without any bananas.

Think Trump supporters in wellington boots. – Ed

Milk cartons have become too difficult to open says Donald Trump

trump whelk

United States President, Donald Trump has complained that today’s milk cartons have become, ‘too fancy’ for the average man in the street to open and that manufacturers of the containers need to return to the old tried and trusted designs.

Speaking at a rally in Montgomery, Alabama, Trump told supporters: “Today’s milk cartons are just crazy. They’re way too fancy.

“They don’t even stick to one design. There seem to be so many different types these days.

“I spent over half an hour of valuable golfing time trying to open one last week.

“It was so damn tricky I had to call in Don Junior to give me a hand and even he couldn’t figure it out and he went to Harvard or one of those other fancy colleges

“In the end, I held it over the sink while Junior cut the top off with a pair of bolt croppers.

“The limeys seem to have the right idea when it comes to milk.

“They have these glass bottles with little silver paper tops that you just press with your thumbs

“Admittedly, the damn milk goes everywhere if you don’t get it just right but at least you get to pour something on your chocolate Wheetos”

This is not the first time the president has blasted modern innovations

In December last year, he hit out at the manufacturers of modern spectacles for not marking the lenses, ‘left’ and ‘right’

BREAKING

whelk fp tim internet

In other related news, the President has called for a meeting with Bob Airplane-Boeing to discuss the recent catastrophic systems failures on the new 737 airliner.

CHILDREN’S CORNER

does yourdog bite

¬©Children’s Corner is sponsored by the Nancy Pelosi Demented Republican-Baiter’s League

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

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©Entertainment News is an associate member of Trump Jail Time Productions Inc.

HEALTH SERVICE WOULD BE CRIPPLED BY HARD BREXIT SAYS HEALTH SERVICE

jacob sovereignty rub

Ah yes, a good, old-fashioned sovereignty rub. That’s the stuff to give the disease-riddled spawn of the peasant classes.

And if that doesn’t work, a damn good thrashing with a nice new, blue passport would put the colour back in the little blighters’ cheeks – Ed

Home Office: Anti-Vaxxers and Flat Earthers to be run over by spiked steamrollers

tinfoil twat

The government yesterday announced plans to have all people who refuse to have their children vaccinated or who won’t accept that the earth is round, run over en masse by spiked steamrollers.

A Home Office spokesman told a press conference last night: “In the government’s opinion, ocean-going numpties who flatly refuse to accept irrefutable evidence gleaned over many years of exhaustive scientific research are a threat to the gene pool as well as being wearisome irritants.

“We are therefore proposing that they are rounded up over the next few weeks and taken to an abandoned airfield where they will be made to lie down in the path of spiked steamrollers.

“The government doesn’t care how much laughable research on the internet these weapons-grade fucknuts have done and nor will the blokes driving the steamrollers

“At the end of the day, it’s what most sensible people would want, trust me”

This latest move comes just a week after a splinter group of centrist Labour and Tory MPs called for people who still believe that a no-deal Brexit would be good for the country to be slashed with knives and then tossed into tanks containing starving piranha fish.

WORLD NEWS

Trump/Kim talks falter. Trump alludes to “some differences but a meeting of minds” – Associated Press

trump and kimmy

 

CONTEMPORARY BRITAIN

orc feminist

DISCLAIMER: The editorial team and the entire writing staff on The Whitechapel Whelk would like to point out that we are all confirmed feminists.

This is because, Sofia, our graphics editor is one, and despite the fact that she’s really pretty, we are all shit scared of her -Ed.

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