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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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We won’t rest until we have wiped self-harmers from the face of the planet say Instagram

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In a groundbreaking move, social media giants, Instagram, have vowed to put an end to the criticism they have received in recent months for allowing the publication of graphic images of young people self-harming, by culling children and young adults found to be indulging in this behaviour.

Head of Instagram, Adam Mosseri, told newsmen: “We’ve been inundated with complaints about images of self-harm being freely available on our platform and have decided to put a stop to the constant criticism by killing any young person who tries to upload images of this nature.

“I think this move will prove very popular with our shareholders, and at the end of the day, that’s all that matters”

Instagram’s initiative comes just 6 months after, sister company, Facebook, sent out death squads to eliminate youngsters who were routinely posting pictures of their dinners or cute pets.

It’s a pretty grim piece of satire this, folks. A bit like the world really.

Love, peace, and mental tranquillity to all…except Donald Trump, he can go rot in The Hades Hilton. – Ed

Dozens die from old age during pro-Brexit march on Downing Street

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Taking back control, but at what cost? Some typical Brexiteers pictured earlier

There were calls for an age limit to be imposed on protestors last night after more than forty elderly Brexiteers passed away during a short march from Trafalgar Square to Downing Street where they were due to protest about a proposed extension to Article 50.

An eye-witness told newsmen: “It was pretty grim, to be honest. They were dropping like flies along Whitehall.

“I saw one old bloke with a, ‘No Deal. No Problem’ banner, clutching his chest and gasping for air.

“He eventually dropped dead in front of one of the soldiers on sentry duty outside Horseguards.

“An old girl threw down her ‘Just Leave’ banner and started to administer CPR, but it was too late for the poor old sod

“By the time they’d got to Downing Street, Whitehall and Parliament Street looked like the aftermath of The Battle of Waterloo, with bodies and abandoned walking sticks and zimmer frames all over the shop.

“It’s a shame really as now they’ll never know if the EU agreed to make changes to the proposed Irish backstop agreement or whether Mrs May will be pressured into calling a 2nd referendum”.

A spokesperson for Age Concern said last night: “Our advice to anyone over the age of 60 is to forget about going on political demos and to stay indoors in front of the fire with a nice cup of tea and a few biccies.

“There’s nothing you can do to alter government policy by going out marching in the cold, and in any case, you’ll be dead before long anyway”

This latest incident comes just a month after 12 elderly northerners died of a number of age-related illnesses during a short march to Sheffield town hall where they were due to hand in a petition complaining about the number of illegal immigrants claiming benefits while living in 15 bedroom mansions in Hillsborough.

The Whelk’s Wonderful Worldwide World of Politics

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DISCLAIMER: No Old Etonian toffs or silly dancers were harmed during the conception and construction of this meme – Ed

Self-knightings in Whitechapel reach all-time high

 

 

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Sir Tobias pictured in imperious mood down the pub last night

According to recent figures, 99 per cent of all males living in Whitechapel are now self-dubbed knights of the realm

The surge of popularity in self-knighting is believed to have been triggered by the enormous financial success of self-published authors and the widespread acclaim that they now enjoy.

One self-appointed knight, Sir Tobias Dell of Aquitaine, told us: “It was a bit of a tricky one, tapping myself on both shoulders with the sword without swapping hands, but I got there in the end.

“The wife’s so impressed she wants me to wear a suit of armour when we have sex, but I told her it would be too noisy and would make the old clean-up afterwards a bit  tricky”

There have been one or two dissenting voices, however.

Acclaimed naturalist, Sir David Attenborough, slammed the practice last night: “How can these people just appoint themselves without so much as a by-your-leave?

“I was 60-odd before I got my knighthood and I had to spend over 49 years sweating my bollocks off in jungles, not to mention freezing them off in the Antarctic and suchlike.

“I even got whacked round the head by a silverback lowland gorilla once. I nearly shat myself, I don’t mind telling you”

This latest development comes just 6 months after a number of women in neighbouring Aldgate appointed themselves Queen Beatrice of The Netherlands

Don’t try this at home – Sir Editor of The Lake

Storm as elderly EU residents told to pay to become whining, geriatric, Brit xenophobes

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Filthy European Union scum pictured celebrating the arrival of another fat benefits cheque

Theresa May’s government came under fire last night following an announcement in The Commons that European Union citizens over the age of 60 living in this country will have to pay a £70 fee and undergo a written and oral examination in order to become fully accepted as whining geriatric racists like the vast majority of their indigenous British counterparts.

The test will include sections on writing xenophobic letters to newspapers, tutting loudly when there are foreigners in the doctor’s waiting room, complaining in a loud voice about there being, ‘far too many darkies in the country’, in the queue at the post office, and pushing parcels containing dog shit through the letterboxes of anybody not born in England.

A Home Office spokesman said last night: “If these people wish to be accepted as small-minded, mean-spirited Little Englanders like the rest of us, this government feels that they should have to meet certain standards and pay for the privilege while they’re about it”

By way of a concession to EU residents, Mrs May did announce yesterday that the government would be waiving the proposed so-called £60, settlement fee, although foreign nationals will be made to stand at the end of the queue for their bowl of thin gruel at feeding stations in the event of Britain crashing out with no deal.

Prince Philip slams “Slitty-eyed Chinaman driver” following crash

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Prince Philip pictured looking pale and pretty drunk following the accident yesterday

Following the road traffic accident yesterday in which a Range Rover being driven by HRH Prince Philip, The Duke of Edinburgh, ended up in a ditch, the 97-year-old Duke put the blame squarely on the driver of the other car involved in the incident, who he described as, “a slitty-eyed Chinaman who was driving like an Indian”

Philip, 97, told newsmen: “I was driving along minding my own business on the way back from the pub when this other car came straight at me like a bat out of bloody hell.

“I’ve seen Indians drive better and that’s bloody saying something believe you me.

“I didn’t get a really good look at the Johnny in the other jalopy, but he was an odd-looking cove with yellow skin and slitty eyes. A bit like a bloody Chinaman.

“One minute we’re teaching these blighters how to use a knife and fork, and the next, they’re forcing off our own bloody roads.”

The Duke was said to be comfortable last night, although a royal insider said he was suffering from minor bruising following a late night, whisky-fuelled rolling pin attack by The Queen.

JUST IN

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Following 12 hours of dedicated research into finding a suitable photograph to accompany this headline, our pictures editor has called in sick this morning suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated at this time – Ed

Self-published author forced to admit whole deal a complete shitshow

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A self-publishing bod pictured churning out a load of old ill-conceived toot in the olden days

A 40-year-old Whitechapel man has finally conceded that his attempt at becoming an independent, self-published author has been a complete shitshow from start to finish.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver who writes under the pen name of, T S Steinbeck-Hemingway, launched his first novel, ‘I Was A Teenage Werewolf In A Dystopian Hinterland With People Chasing After Me’, last Tuesday with disappointing results.

“Of course I realised that being an indie author with delusions of grandeur and very little else wasn’t going to be easy.”, he told us.

“However, I wasn’t prepared for a zero sales return and an Amazon review catalogue full of insults and savage piss-taking.

“It started so promisingly with many of the people I follow on WordPress giving me glowing feedback and firm encouragement to take the next step.

“It’s almost as if they were just saying these things in return for reciprocal likes and comments”

A recent study conducted by Balliol College, Oxford, found that over 5 billion people worldwide are now self-published authors with average book sales of 1 and a half books per person producing an income of 0.003p per annum, and that’s in a good year.

Facebook crackdown on ‘misleading avatars’

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Our sub-editor and sports correspondent pictured in the pub earlier

Social media giant, Facebook, has announced that anyone caught using a profile pic that’s over 10-years-old or one that’s been ‘doctored’ to make the account holder look passably attractive will be publicly shamed and then banned for life

A spokesman for Facebook told a press conference yesterday: “Anybody trying to hoodwink other account holders into believing that they are much younger by displaying an avatar using a picture taken when they were in their late teens or early twenties will have their account permanently removed.

“The same thing applies to people who use filter-enhancing software to mask the fact that have more wrinkles than an elderly shar-pei dog and generally look like shit on a stick”

This move follows hot on the heels of last months crackdown on fake profile pics by social media rivals, Twitter, who sent out death squads to gun down pathetically out-of-shape and ugly men who use pictures of bodybuilders as their avatar in a desperate attempt to get women to notice them.

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