Saudi Arabia


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In other news, a CNN journalist has been found dead in the toilet on the 25th floor of Trump Tower hours after visiting the building for an interview with Donald Trump Jr.

Early reports say that he had been beaten about the head and body before being shot in the back.

A spokesman for the Trump Organisation told newsmen that the unnamed journalist had committed suicide.

More as we get it.

Khashoggi killed by one of his own ricocheting kung fu stars say Saudis

Khashoggi pictured in typical two-fisted mood last week. Picture courtesy of The Saudi Hand Chopping and Dissident Flogging Bugle

The Saudi Arabian government have made the claim that the missing journalist, Jamel Khashoggi, was killed during a violent melee in the Saudi consulate building in Turkey, after the furious newsman launched a number of kung fu stars at terrified staff, one of which, rebounded off a lampshade and struck him a fatal blow on the temple

A spokesman for the Saudi consulate said last night: “Mr Khashoggi was definitely looking for trouble that night.

“He looked dishevelled and had clearly been drinking heavily

“Without warning, he started acting like a crazy man and began hurling kung fu stars at staff members.

“Unfortunately for him, he was killed instantly by one of his own weapons which bounced back off of a light shade or a wall or something. The details are a bit sketchy, to be honest.

When asked as to what became of the body, the spokesman told newsmen that it was quickly dismembered by security staff with bone saws, placed in a bin bag and thrown into a dumpster in the street outside.

“We wanted to spare his family the distress of seeing him with a kung fu star embedded in his skull” he said.

United States President, Donald Trump, was quick to condemn the Saudis last night: “It’s a bad bad business, but who’s to say the guy didn’t ask for it? The important thing is that we didn’t lose any money over this”

More as we get it.

Outcry as Saudi court sentences Whitechapel masochist to 1000 hours of pampering



Mr Dell pictured last year during happier times



Human rights campaigners voiced their outrage last night after a court in Saudi Arabia sentenced a British man to 1000 days in a luxurious spa and wellness centre, despite being aware that he is a confirmed masochist with a penchant for pain and humiliation at the extreme end of the masochistic spectrum.

Mr Toby Dell, 56, a market trader from Whitechapel in East London, but now living and working in the Saudi capital, Riyadh, was arrested in March this year after being found drunk in the street with a bottle of Scotch whisky in his hand; a crime which normally carries a sentence of imprisonment, often combined with a number of strokes administered with a cane, known as ‘lashes’.

It is understood that the court was made aware of Mr Dell’s predilection for acute pain and extreme discomfort and that the presiding judge took this into consideration when passing sentence.

Dell, unmarried, was given 1000 days in an exclusive health spa where he will be given daily massages, rejuvenating facials, saunas, and gently restorative aromatherapy, along with relaxing weekly sessions in a flotation tank.

Mr Dell, broke down and wept as sentence was passed and a number of family members in the public gallery cried out in protest as he was gently carried from the dock in a quilted sedan chair to begin his sentence by two burly Thai masseurs.

His lawyer said last night that there would be an appeal and that his client is hoping that, in the meantime, the court will at least grant his request to be beaten vigorously with birch twigs and violently pummelled by a 20-stone masseur after each session in the sauna.

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