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NEXT WEEK: Alexa reduces a pregnant teen to tears after she requests information on breastfeeding and then gets called, “a big belly ho”

God blocks Facebook with ‘Great Flood’ of dinner pics

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Oi, Facebookers!…NO! God pictured looking mightily pissed off last night

Social media giant, Facebook, last night confirmed that the global outage which rendered billions unable to access their timelines yesterday was caused by a torrent of pictures of people’s dinners posted by God to punish the platform for all the sinful content that has been allowed to flourish on the site in recent years.

Facebook troubleshooter, Toby Dell, 32, told newsmen last night: “The hand of God is definitely behind this one.

“One of our leading IT bods, who’s a regular churchgoer, told me that The Lord had clogged up the cyber tubes with dinner pics as a punishment for all the dodgy political content and softcore grumble pics of nude birds that have been appearing over the last year or two.

“He likens it to The Great Flood that The Lord visited upon earth in the olden days to wipe out the sinners

“We’ve poured hundreds of tons of drain cleaner into our systems in the hopes of unblocking the site in a day or two but we’re not promising anything”

Rival social media platforms are experiencing greatly increased traffic, however, with Twitter and Reddit reporting record usage, while the struggling Google + site announced that somebody had logged in around tea time yesterday and posted a picture of their nan and grandad getting married in Barnstable just after the war.

EDITOR’S NOTE: On the off-chance that anybody’s foolish enough to want to share this piece, could I ask you to refrain until after 10.00 am GMT? This is because it has been subbed to another magazine who give us cash money and whose editor gets royally pissed off if he doesn’t get exclusivity. Not as pissed off as God, but not far off. Thanks guys.

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Gibraltar to be rebuilt on Olly Murs’ big face in the event of a disorderly Brexit

olly meme

The island of Gibraltar will be abandoned to the Spanish and rebuilt on the big face of British pop icon, Olly Murs, in the event of a no-deal Brexit, it has been revealed.

A Foreign Ofice spokesman told newsmen last night: “If we leave the EU without a deal on the 29th of March, the government will give up Gibraltar to the Spanish and rebuild the territory in its entirety on Olly Murs’ big face.

“The capital, Gibraltar, will be constructed on his enormous forehead, while the other small towns will be dotted around other parts of his massive face.

“Olly will then be towed out to sea by tugs before being anchored somewhere in the English Channel where we can keep an eye on him and where sovereignty won’t be an issue”

“The population of 35,000 will then be shipped out to his face to begin a new life”

Murs himself was unavailable for comment as he is in rehearsal for a series of concerts in various northern holiday resorts, but his mother, Beryl, 97, said last night: “Olly is absolutely delighted and is really looking forward to a small British territory being set up on his gigantic dial.

“He’s made his father and me very proud, I don’t mind telling you”

The government last night denied growing rumours that Murs had objected to Gibraltar’s famous monkey population being moved onto his face on the grounds that they might go up his nose and swing on the hairs

I’ll kick The Queen’s head in if she flees London post-Brexit says, Kim Kardashian

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A clearly furious Kardashian pictured earlier

Following recent press rumours, media personality, Kim Kardashian, has vowed to “kick the Queen’s fucking head in” if she evacuates the capital in the event of civil unrest following a no-deal Brexit.

Speaking to newsmen yesterday, the Keeping Up With The Kardashians star, explained.

“If I find out The Queen has abandoned her loyal subjects during post-Brexit riots, you can stand on me that I will find her in her royal bolthole and kick her fucking head in”

This is not the first time the controversial star has threatened a leading British public figure.

In 2018, she told Hello magazine that if TV personality, Piers Morgan didn’t stop being such an irritating twat on his morning show she was going to “knee him right in the Niagras”

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The Whitechapel Whelk would like to point out that we do not endorse the killing and consumption of heads of state of any country,

However, if the American public ever feel inclined to make a few thousand Trump Burgers at some point, then far be it from us to stand in the way of the will of the people – Ed

SURVEY: End of day bra-removal most pleasurable experience ever for 9 out of 10 women

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Painstakingly chosen pic of woman removing bra

In a recent study, it has emerged that 9 out of 10 women rank removing their brazier at the end of the day as the most pleasurable experience they have ever encountered during their entire lives to date.

Bra-removal came top of the list of the 10 most enjoyable female experiences. The runners-up were:

2: Eating cake
3: Looking at actor, Tom Hardy
4: Having another piece of cake
5: Noticing that a close friend has recently put on weight.
6 Turning up the central heating
7: Slamming car doors
8: Duvet hogging
9: Going into shops ‘just to have a look round’
10: Having a third slice of cake and another look at Tom Hardy

Gym exercise, commuting to work and intimacy with a partner failed to get into the top 100.

Editor’s Note: Choosing a picture for this piece was probably amongst the most arduous and unpleasant tasks I have ever undertaken in my entire career of news gathering, but I got through it somehow.

Last man in Britain using internet dial-up dies during connection attempt

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Did you ever get this far? No, nor did we.

 

The last man in Britain still using an internet dial-up connection has passed away peacefully at his home, still in the process of getting online after beginning his attempt in October 2004.

Toby Dell, 57, from Whitechapel in East London, steadfastly refused the chance to switch to cable, despite the fact that he was suffering from tinnitus due to the constant bleeps and whistles coming from his desktop computer, and hadn’t been able to receive any landline calls for 14 years while his dial-up attempt had been in progress.

His wife, Tracy, told us last night: “The whole family kept telling him to switch to broadband but he wouldn’t have it.

“I once saw him go without food and sleep for 72 hours while he waited for a picture of a woman with big tits to download in 2002.

“At least he’s at peace now and we can sell his Atari Pong 4 video game consul and throw out his record player with the wind-up handle on the side”

The world record for a dial-up attempt is held by an 85-year-old man in China who hanged himself in 2016 after waiting 19 years to get online, only to get a “connection failed” notice when the little blue bar was tantalisingly just days away from the end of its travel.

Crime Desk: Breaking News Update

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If you’ve unearthed human remains in your back garden or on your allotment, the chances are that the previous occupants were murderers.

However, on the off-chance that they are the remains of a caveman or similar, contact, The British Museum in London, or email: DemDryBones@hotmail.com for the chance of a few quid plus an opportunity to appear in the local newspaper, holding your find and looking like a complete twat 

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