The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888



The measles vaccine caused my 3-year-old kid to slay 27 says local mother


A Whitechapel mother has told The Whelk that her 3-year-old daughter embarked on a killing spree that left 27 schoolchildren dead just 2 years after having been administered a vaccine to ward off measles

Tracy Dell, 22, told us: “It was just a day like any other. I parked my car at the top of a steep hill and left my 3-year-old daughter in the passenger seat while I went into a tobacconist to get some smokes and a Lucky Dip ticket.

“While I was in there, the kid must have released the handbrake causing the car to roll down the hill into a queue of schoolkids waiting for a bus.

“The next day, I did some internet research into kids who kill and it soon became obvious that the measles jab was wholly to blame.

“Apparently, vaccination causes all sorts of brain disorders, including, murderous psychosis

“I rue the day I took her for her shot, to be honest.

“In future, she can take her chances with killer diseases and the same goes for any other sprogs I have in the future.”

Mrs Dell asked that her fee for this interview be awarded to,

Being kicked in the testicles far more painful than childbirth claims think tank


kick in the balls
OOOYAAH! A classic ‘eye-waterer’ being delivered by a lady with super-powers in space


A government think tank report published yesterday reveals that a man who has been kicked hard in the testicles experiences significantly more pain than a woman giving birth to an average size baby.

Dr Tobias Dell, PhD, who headed the study, told newsmen: “Over the course of 6 months, a number of men were given a really meaty kick in the testicles while their pain level was being monitored on a special machine designed specifically for the task.

“We then asked them if the pain and distress they experienced was worse than childbirth, and without exception, they all agreed that it was indeed far worse.

“We didn’t ask any women for their comments because, as we all know, they are notoriously prone to exaggeration and for laying it on with a trowel to gain sympathy”

These findings come just weeks after a study by Cambridge University concluded that the toilet seat should always be left up after use, and that talking or hoovering during televised soccer matches is right up there with infanticide and terrorism.

If you’re a woman and you wish to raise any issues connected to this piece, our advice is to get to work on reducing that pile of ironing and to concentrate a bit more on knowing your place – Ed.

William Shatner: I’ll never visit Whitechapel while killer hedgehog roams free


Captain Kirk whitechapel meme
Shatner pictured refusing to boldly go to Whitechapel last night


Sci-fi TV show stalwart, William Shatner, has refused an invitation to host a Star Trek convention at a Whitechapel community centre on the grounds that a killer hedgehog that is currently at large in the borough could threaten his safety.

Speaking from his home in California, the 137-year-old star told The Whelk: “Normally, I would jump at the chance to visit a great place like Whitechapel, but with a killer hedgehog on the loose, it’s a chance I’m not prepared to take.

“I’ve been in many sticky situations during my career as a spaceship captain, like the time I shot a 3-headed monster with my ray gun that was about to eat Bones and Scotty, but there are limits I’m afraid and you have to draw the line somewhere.

“Maybe, if the police or the zoo capture the hedgehog and kill it I might reconsider, but until they do I’m staying right here”

Shatner is the second sci-fi legend to snub the district. In 1963, the bloke with white hair who played the original Dr Who, refused an invitation to open a youth club in Leman Street on the grounds that Whitechapel is “an absolute shithole”

Scientific Report: Saying ‘tickle ickle ickle’ during the tickling process increases recipients’ enjoyment by 27%


A scientist pictured earlier today


A report from The Institute for Science and Technology has revealed that saying the words, tickle ickle ickle while administering a tickling to another person enhances the enjoyment experienced by the recipient by a massive 27%

Scientists used over 2000 subjects in their study from all religions and ethnic groups to reach their conclusion.

Human ‘guinea pigs’ were first tickled by someone who remained mute throughout the process, and although many found the experience a fairly pleasant one, almost 90% said that their enjoyment shot up by a huge 27% when the process was repeated by someone saying, tickle ickle ickle.

These findings come after a study in 1982 by Oxford University found that zero percent of the male population used the then prime minister, Margaret Thatcher, as a masturbatory stimulant despite her success in The Falklands War.

Vegan flatulence a serious threat to the ozone layer say scientists


It’s an ill wind. An ozone-busting vegan pictured endangering the planet last night


A recent study by The Royal Society has found that gaseous emissions from strict vegans are destroying the ozone layer faster than all the power stations on the planet.

A spokesman for the society told newsmen: “At this rate, vegans will have completely destroyed the ozone layer by this Christmas, meaning that we’ll all have been killed by the Sun’s UV rays well before next Easter.

“Unless these people see sense and abandon the quinoa burgers and nut roasts for a few steaks and some ham sandwiches,  all life on this planet will be extinct before the next World Cup in Russia.

The Vegan Society hit back at the findings last night: Chairperson, Hermione Dell, told a press conference: “We vegans will never abandon our fight to rid the world of animal cruelty and bacon buttie consumption. And if that means that all life on the planet is destroyed in the process then it’s a price well worth paying in our view”

Newsmen were forced to hurry from the scene shortly afterwards as Ms Dell emitted a series of thunderous, foul-smelling ‘rip-snorters’ as she passed around a plate of Seaweed Twizzlers.

Constant Facebook whining about health issues more effective than homoeopathy say doctors


hospital 2
Facebook whining in the olden days


A recent report in The Lancet magazine has shown that people who whinge at length about chronic health conditions on the social media site, Facebook, stand a slightly better chance of recovering than those who choose homoeopathic remedies.

According to findings by The Royal College of Surgeons, people who drone on endlessly about their aches and pains on their timelines stand absolutely no chance of the practice making the slightest difference to their condition, compared to a less than zero chance of homoeopathic medicine having any actual beneficial effect.

A spokesman for the RCS told a meeting of The General Medical Council: “Serial Facebook whingers are wasting their time, to be honest, and the sooner they start to realise that nobody reads their tedious whinings, and, more importantly, that no one cares, the better for all concerned. The same goes for the utter planks who swear by homoeopathy incidentally.”

These findings come just a day after a study by The Royal Choral Society revealed that people who post pictures of their bastard dinners deserve hanging and hanging high.

If you’ve ever whined on social media about a medical condition or have posted a picture of your bastard dinner, go and boil your head, you ocean-going dweeb – Ed

Whitechapel Man Discovers Cure for Colorado Potato Beetle Tuberculosis


colorado beetle
A thing of the past? A Colorado potato beetle pictured riddled with TB last night


There was jubilation in the world of insect respiratory conditions last night when a trainee forklift truck driver from Whitechapel announced to the General Medical Council that he had found a cure for tuberculosis in Colorado potato beetles.

TB has blighted the beetle population in recent years, with around a dozen reported deaths since 2003. Scientists have blamed the indiscriminate use of insecticides by potato farmers and a virulent outbreak of TB which has resulted in vast numbers of the tiny creatures being confined to sanatoriums where they are given a diet of eggs and milk and told to get plenty of fresh air.

Now, Toby Dell, 47 and a father of 7, has made the medical breakthrough that will hopefully lead to the complete eradication of the disease and a resurgence of the Colorado beetle population worldwide.

In an address to The World Health Organisation, Dell said: “I discovered the cure when I knocked over a tub of jellied eels in the kitchen.

“Before I could scrape it off the worktop, a Colorado beetle came scuttling over and started eating it using his pincers.

“He obviously had TB because he kept coughing into a white handkerchief, a bit like Doc Holiday out of Tombstone.

“A few days later, I spotted that same beetle in the downstairs toilet and he was completely cured. There was no coughing, nothing.

“I don’t mind admitting that I broke down and blubbed shamelessly”

This is the 2nd major medical breakthrough this month and follows on from the discovery by a plasterer from Bromley By Bow that small pieces of mince and onion pie can cure chronic premature ejaculation in money spiders.

whelk tablet autocorrect

Earth tilts on its axis as everybody’s phone vibrates at once


The Earth pictured from space at 4.14pm yesterday. Notice the shock waves on the surface and the cries from people kicking up fuck


Scientists have reported, that yesterday, at 4.14pm GMT precisely, The Earth tilted 2 degrees on its axis when everybody’s mobile phone vibrated simultaneously.

A spokesman for The National Geographic Society told The Whitechapel Whelk last night: “Statistically, the chances of this happening are more than 25 billion to one, but at precisely 4.14pm yesterday it did, causing The Earth to tilt two degrees to the left.

“Most people wouldn’t have noticed but my wife told me that she was making a brew at the time and her teacup starting sliding down the worktop.

“Some people also reported slight oral discomfort as the vibrations caused their teeth to rattle, and one man rang our office to say that his house of cards had fallen over.”

The last time anything like this happened was on Christmas Day in 1955, the year the electric toothbrush was invented, when everyone who had received one as a present switched it on, causing a tidal wave in The Indian Ocean and over 10 billion simultaneous female orgasms across the globe.

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