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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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self-publishing

Self-Published Author Attacks Regular Published Author With Axe

axe
A bloody axe similar to the type of desperate, ‘please buy me’, thing you would find on a self-published book cover

A 40-year-old Whitechapel man was in police custody last night after attacking a 55-year-old man with an axe in what is believed to have been an act of publishing-based jealousy.

The arrested man, Toby Dell from Leman Street, was allegedly envious of the victim’s success in getting a book published by a recognised publishing house, while Dell had to resort to constantly having his work launched on Amazon in a desperate bid for some kind of recognition no matter how ill-deserved.

We spoke to a neighbour last night who told us: “Toby was a really nice bloke before he got involved in the self-publishing game.

“Then, he seemed to change almost overnight. He became withdrawn and aggressive.

“He used to launch into angry outbursts, during which he would attack published authors. He used to call them scumbags and liberty-takers. Even the good ones like Stephen King, Steinbeck and Charles Dickens.

“So when I heard he’d gone for this bloke with an axe I wasn’t surprised, to be honest with you”

The injured man is now recovering in The Royal London Hospital where he is said to be comfortable and availing himself of a number of the proper books from the hospital library

Dell will appear at Horseferry Road magistrates court on Monday charged with attempted murder and writing without due care and talent.

EDITOR’S NOTE: We have been informed that people lacking the talent to have their work published in the conventional way prefer to be known as ‘indie authors’, which, we are reliably informed is the abbreviated vernacular for indescribably atrocious. You can also recognise them easily enough by their penchant for inserting the word, author, writer, bard, or, novelist, in their online screen name.

I’ll cull all self-published authors, vows Home Secretary

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Some self-published books pictured in their rightful place last night

In what is being seen in some quarters as a controversial move, the Home Secretary, Priti Patel, last night announced a two-year plan that will see eight million self-published writers trapped and humanely destroyed in a bid to stop the burgeoning number of people who are scrawling down a load of old toot and flogging it on Amazon at some risibly optimistic price before being given away free a few weeks later with a subscription to a DIY magazine.

It is estimated that 99% of this output will be bought by a few family members and reluctant friends who will stick their hands in their pockets out of a mixture of pity and loyalty. The remaining 1% will be used as cheap draught-excluders by Scottish people.

Patel told a late-night sitting in The Commons: “The self-publishing figures are growing out of control. The Office for National Statistics has advised the government that almost 89% of the population now have a truly horrendous novel or an alarmingly inept anthology of abysmal poetry up for sale and we must put a stop to it before Britain’s proud literary history is totally swamped by this vile effluent. It’s what Lord Byron and W. Somerset Maugham would have wanted”

It is believed that bear traps will be used to ensnare the perpetrators before they are dispatched, either with a bolt gun or by having their necks snapped by specially-trained published authors, literary critics, and historians from The British Library.

If you’re a self-published writer and feel threatened by this recent move, we suggest you leave the country post haste, or, alternatively, change your name and deny all knowledge of your horrendous example of literary filth when they come round to kill you – Ed

You’ve largely ignored the newspaper. Now, you can give the book a wide berth too!

whelk front whelk back

Artful Dodger Publications are proud to give you the opportunity to baulk violently at the mere thought of parting with your hard-earned dough in order to come into possession of this utterly inane anthology of satirical dross.

It contains 140 poorly-written, unfunny skits and fake news items, as well as all the pitifully unamusing characters you’ve come to loathe down the years.

So, if you’re looking for a hilarious collection of cleverly conceived satirical writing to purchase as an early Christmas gift for a friend or loved one, I’d give this horrendous excuse for humour a very wide berth indeed if I were you -Ed.

PS. If you do buy it at the ridiculously low, bargain price of £9.99, then we thank you most sincerely and may your God go with you.

Here’s a linkypoo:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1700490486/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=whitechapel+whelk&qid=1571452502&sr=8-2

PPS. There’s also a Kindle edition in case you’re skint or just a bit tight with money:

 

Self-knightings in Whitechapel reach all-time high

 

 

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Sir Tobias pictured in imperious mood down the pub last night

According to recent figures, 99 per cent of all males living in Whitechapel are now self-dubbed knights of the realm

The surge of popularity in self-knighting is believed to have been triggered by the enormous financial success of self-published authors and the widespread acclaim that they now enjoy.

One self-appointed knight, Sir Tobias Dell of Aquitaine, told us: “It was a bit of a tricky one, tapping myself on both shoulders with the sword without swapping hands, but I got there in the end.

“The wife’s so impressed she wants me to wear a suit of armour when we have sex, but I told her it would be too noisy and would make the old clean-up afterwards a bit  tricky”

There have been one or two dissenting voices, however.

Acclaimed naturalist, Sir David Attenborough, slammed the practice last night: “How can these people just appoint themselves without so much as a by-your-leave?

“I was 60-odd before I got my knighthood and I had to spend over 49 years sweating my bollocks off in jungles, not to mention freezing them off in the Antarctic and suchlike.

“I even got whacked round the head by a silverback lowland gorilla once. I nearly shat myself, I don’t mind telling you”

This latest development comes just 6 months after a number of women in neighbouring Aldgate appointed themselves Queen Beatrice of The Netherlands

Don’t try this at home – Sir Editor of The Lake

Self-published author forced to admit whole deal a complete shitshow

writer
A self-publishing bod pictured churning out a load of old ill-conceived toot in the olden days

A 40-year-old Whitechapel man has finally conceded that his attempt at becoming an independent, self-published author has been a complete shitshow from start to finish.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver who writes under the pen name of, T S Steinbeck-Hemingway, launched his first novel, ‘I Was A Teenage Werewolf In A Dystopian Hinterland With People Chasing After Me’, last Tuesday with disappointing results.

“Of course I realised that being an indie author with delusions of grandeur and very little else wasn’t going to be easy.”, he told us.

“However, I wasn’t prepared for a zero sales return and an Amazon review catalogue full of insults and savage piss-taking.

“It started so promisingly with many of the people I follow on WordPress giving me glowing feedback and firm encouragement to take the next step.

“It’s almost as if they were just saying these things in return for reciprocal likes and comments”

A recent study conducted by Balliol College, Oxford, found that over 5 billion people worldwide are now self-published authors with average book sales of 1 and a half books per person producing an income of 0.003p per annum, and that’s in a good year.

CRIME DESK: Local self-published author attacks regular published author with axe

bloody_axe_by_skeygeta
A bloody axe, similar to the type of thing you would find on a self-published book cover

A 40-year-old Whitechapel man was in police custody last night after attacking a 27-year-old man with an axe in what is believed to have been an act of jealousy.

The arrested man, Toby Dell from Leman Street, was allegedly envious of the victim’s success in getting a book published by a recognised publishing house, while Dell had to pay to get his work launched on Amazon.

We spoke to a neighbour last night who told us: “Toby was a really nice bloke before he got involved in the self-publishing game.

“He seemed to change almost overnight. He became withdrawn and aggressive.

“He used to launch into angry outbursts, attacking published authors. He used to call them scumbags and liberty-takers. Even the good ones like Stephen King and Charles Dickens.

“So when I heard he’d gone for this bloke with an axe I wasn’t surprised, to be honest with you”

Dell will appear at Horseferry Road magistrates court on Monday charged with attempted murder and writing without due care and talent.

Self-Published Children’s Books Corner

Asshole bunny

A thoroughly charming and fun-filled book that will be popular with the little ones and Trump supporters alike – The New Stateman

My little altar boys loved it – Father Tobias O’Dell, Editor-in-Chief, Catholic Boys Monthly

I sat on Daddy’s knee and read it to him last night before tucking him up in bed. He really seemed to enjoy it. – Ivanka Trump

Not enough sex and nude birds in it – The Bishop of Lambeth

I couldn’t understand some of the long words – The Times Higher Educational Supplement

We haven’t been paid yet – Flatterem and Fleeceum, Self Publishers to the Stars

Local man keenly anticipating spending another entire day reading WordPress blog posts

 

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Mr Dell pictured yesterday preparing to post a flattering comment on a post extolling the virtues of female genital mutilation.

 

A 66-year-old man from East Smithfield Street has told The Whitechapel Whelk that he’s eagerly looking forward to yet another day poring over WordPress blogs.

Toby Dell, a retired forklift truck engineer, was already seated in front of his laptop when a Whelk reporter spoke to him at 7.00am yesterday morning.

“I like to stick to a strict regime when it comes to my daily WordPress activities,” he said, excitedly perusing a blog post from an American septic tank company.

“I’m up bright and early each morning and aim to read at least 60 pieces before popping down to Tobacco Dock at 9.00am for a stroll along the wharf before my bowl of porridge. I find the fresh air and gentle exercise replenishes my enthusiasm for the next 6-hour stint at the old lappie, liking and making inane, reciprocal comments on the blogs of other WordPress family members.

“Some of them are very clever you know and have written a number of books. I know this for a fact as they often ask me to buy a copy and also because they have the word ‘writer’ or ‘author’ in their usernames, sometimes both if they’re really, really gifted”

At this point, our reporter tried to explain that these individuals have to pay to have their work published by a licenced brigand, largely because no reputable publishing house would touch them with a bargepole, but Mr Dell grew agitated at this point and left the room briefly.

On his return, Mr Dell appeared distracted and morose and asked our reporter to leave, explaining that he had scores of posts to read and comment on before logging off at 18.00 sharp to watch the news and his favourite soap operas until retiring for the night at 21.15.

As he shook hands and bade him farewell, our reporter observed that a slow tear ran down Mr Dell’s cheek and plopped softly onto his keyboard.

Disclaimer: Mr Dell is a completely fictional character and is NOT based on any WordPress user, past or present. We would like to make that absolutely clear. If you disagree or recognise your own behavioural traits in this piece then I suggest you get out more. – Ed

Self-publishing thugs stage murderous gang battle in East London library

 

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Carving out a literary reputation. East London self-publishers gather to discuss the perils of excessive alliteration

 

Police officers were called to the Whitechapel Municipal Library last night after a vicious fight broke out between rival gangs of youths, all of whom have self-published books on sale on the Amazon website and other online outlets.

Fighting broke out after a 16-year-old boy was taunted by a rival gang member about his errant usage of the Oxford comma.

Within minutes, a mass brawl was underway which left one 19-year-old, who has an abysmal anthology of poetry languishing in Amazon, lying dead. While a 17-year-old, whose poorly-written and laughingly grandiose pot-boiler sold less than 40 copies to his long-suffering family and WordPress followers, is in a critical condition in The Royal London Hospital.

A police spokesman told reporters last night: “This was a cynical attempt by lawless gangs of self-publishing thugs to establish a modicum of credibility in the world of literature. Thanks to the efforts of my officers, they failed miserably.

“Society is due a well-earned rest from self-publishers and their horrendous output, and I know that The Home Secretary is already working on legislation that will ensure that anyone who submits risible copy and weighs out the thick end of 200 quid to a licenced bandit will be given a long custodial sentence”

In other related news, a woman who has self-published over 90 absolutely ghastly bodice-rippers was found hanging from Blackfriars Bridge last night after receiving her 750th rejection slip from a proper publishing house.

Editor’s note: If you’ve been tempted to part with your hard-earned readies to an online mobster in the futile belief that people other than the poor bastards you’ve coerced into forking out for your literary bilge will touch it with a bargepole I’m rather afraid you that you’re only fooling yourself.

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