The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888



Police question local woman who left self-publisher unattended during Spanish jaunt


No! Please do give up! We’re begging you here!


A 23-year-old woman from Whitechapel in East London was in police custody last night after spending 7 nights partying in the Spanish resort of Magaluf, leaving her 25-year-old boyfriend unattended, despite knowing that he is a habitual self-publisher with 6 horrendous books and an anthology of truly atrocious poetry currently being ignored on the Amazon eBook website.

A close friend of the woman, who can’t be named, told us: “I cannot believe she’s done this. She knows he’s a self-publisher, and yet, she goes swanning off on holiday leaving him unsupervised.

“Imagine if there’d been a fire or he’d paid a predatory bandit a ridiculous fee for the privilege of having his disgustingly poor output advertised for sale on Kindle Books.

“She could have come home to find he’d flooded the bathroom, set fire to the curtains or had received half a dozen, risibly over-the-top, online reviews from his equally inept, ‘you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours’, WordPress contemporaries on the Amazon website.

“I know she’s my friend but she wants bloody locking up for this”

In other news, a woman from Shadwell was said to be bitterly disappointed last night after a vanity publisher flatly refused to publish her latest bodice-ripper novel due to it having been submitted in green crayon and written entirely in capital letters.

If you’ve ever been tempted to send your disgusting copy to a vanity publisher along with a fat cheque, please don’t. You’ll only upset people – Ed

EDITORIAL: Whitechapel Whelk now being read by a tiny proportion of people in Vietnam.

peasant girl

We at The Whitechapel Whelk are happy to announce that we are now being read by somebody in the Indo-Chinese country of Vietnam.

We NEVER look at our stats as a general rule, as we regard the practice as a bit tragic and needy. However, yesterday, our sub-editor – who had been drinking quite heavily I hasten to add – drew it to our attention that somebody in Vietnam had read the piece we did, ripping the living piss out of self-published writers.

Personally, I like to think that it was a heavily pregnant peasant girl, toiling in a rice field under a burning sun, who, during a quick tea break, spotted the piece on her phone and had a little schadenfreude-based chuckle before giving birth to twins in the aforementioned field later that afternoon.

So, if you’ve ever been read by an impoverished worker from the 3rd world and would like to openly admit to looking at your stats – inviting ridicule¬†and much ribald laughter and finger-pointing from those of us who regard the practice as being on a par with rubbing yourself up against people on the London Underground – why not drop us a line. It’ll be our dirty little secret. No self-publicists, please. -Ed



Government announce plans to cull self-published writers

self published book

In what is being seen in some quarters as a controversial move, the Home Secretary, Amber Rudd, last night announced a two-year plan that will see 8 million self-published writers trapped and humanely destroyed in a bid to stop the burgeoning number of people who are paying licenced bandits to have their abysmal copy shoved into a cheap paper jacket before being flogged on Amazon at some risibly optimistic price before being given away free a few weeks later with a subscription to a DIY magazine.

It is estimated that 99% of this output will be bought by a few family members and reluctant friends who will stick their hands in their pockets out of a mixture of pity and loyalty. The remaining 1% will be used as cheap draught-excluders by Scottish people.

Mrs Rudd told a late-night sitting in The Commons: “The self-publishing figures are growing out of control. The Office for National Statistics has advised the government that almost 89% of the population now have a truly horrendous novel or an alarmingly inept anthology of abysmal poetry up for sale and we must put a stop to it before Britain’s proud literary history is totally swamped by this vile effluent. It’s what Lord Byron and W. Somerset Maugham would have wanted”

It is believed that bear traps will be used to ensnare the perpetrators before they are dispatched, either with a bolt gun or by having their necks snapped by specially-trained published authors, literary critics, and historians from The British Library.

If you’re a self-published writer and feel threatened by this recent move, we suggest you leave the country post haste, or, alternatively, change your name and deny all knowledge of your book when they come round to kill you – Ed

Blogger’s book sales remain stagnant despite having added ‘Author’ to his pen name


A blogger on the popular WordPress website has told Soz Satire magazine that his self-published book sales have remained pitifully low, despite the fact that he has added the word ‘Author’ to his nom de plume.

Toby Author-Dell, 65, from Whitechapel in East London, told us: “When my self-published book was launched on Amazon in March this year I had such high hopes for its success.

“Hundreds of my WordPress followers had repeatedly told me of its merits in very glowing terms indeed, so my expectations of bumper sales were extremely high.

“However, it only sold 5 copies and those were to my wife and kids, and even they had to be bribed with a weeks holiday in The Algarve.

“I then noticed that a number of my fellow bloggers were adding a hyphenated description to their pen names, such as, novelist, poet, writer etc, so I decided to give it a try and paid the publishers a small fortune to get the byline on the front cover changed.

“Sadly, it has had no effect whatsoever other than to prompt a few internet trolls to rip the piss out of me on Twitter.

“My friends and family have begged me to quit the writing game, and even my doctor has told me that I’m suffering from the delusional condition, Dunning-Kruger Syndrome, but I have unshakeable belief in my ability and I’m going to keep churning out my stuff ad nauseum come hell or high water. I owe it to my readership at the end of the day”

Mr Author-Dell’s book: ‘A Poet’s Guide To Overcoming Erectile Dysfunction’ is available free of charge on Amazon’s online book site, although we’d heartily recommend that you give it a very wide berth indeed, to be honest.

Author/wordsmith’s note: This piece is in no way designed to make people who add rather optimistic job descriptions to their pen names feel like utter twats. Oh dear me no. That’s right out that is!

Kind Regards

Danny Bard-Novelist-Highly-Acclaimed Author-Literary Deity-Erstwhile Airline Pilot-SAS War Hero-Corporation Dustman-SoZ

Create a free website or blog at

Up ↑