The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888


sexual problems

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NEXT WEEK: Gerbils and their possible role in enhancing sexual bliss

‘Dear Deidre’ wife sues The Sun over husband’s underpants fetish


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Undercrackers! Mr & Mrs Dell pictured after another unsatisfactory romp last night.


A 25-year-old Whitechapel woman whose husband is a model for the Deidre’s Photo Casebook, agony column in The Sun newspaper, has taken the paper to court, blaming them for her husband’s insistence on them both wearing their underpants during lovemaking sessions.

Mrs Tracy Dell, a local government worker, blames the newspaper for being the cause of her husband, Toby’s fetish and the reason why the couple are childless, despite their having tried for a baby throughout their 4-year marriage.

Mrs Dell wept repeatedly as she told us: “I can’t go on like this. I feel as if I’ve reached the end of my tether.

“Before we were married and he got the job with The Sun we had a perfectly normal loving relationship.

“Then, he began coming home after a Dear Deidre photo shoot insisting that we wear our underwear in bed during lovemaking.

“He always wanted to do it on top of the bedclothes and we were never allowed to move. He would just hover above me with a look of intense pleasure on his face while I had to put one hand on the side of his face and have the one other thrown back on the pillow.

“We would then have to remain motionless for a minute or two before he’d just roll off and go to sleep.

“I’m desperate for a baby but I can’t really see it happening at this rate. I’ve tried explaining to him that we should take our pants off first. I’ve even offered to keep my bra on, but he just won’t listen”

Mrs Dell and her husband entered the court building hand-in-hand yesterday. She was smartly dressed in racy red stockings and suspenders with a matching bra, while he was wearing a pair of buttock-hugging black, Y-Front Jockey briefs.

The case continues…

The Moomins: Could they be the key to curing sexual dysfunction?


Saucy. Some scantily clad Moomins pictured trying to look all innocent last night


from our sexual health and funny little fat fuckers editor, Danny SoZ

According to a recent study, people with sexual problems could be cured by watching a few back-to-back episodes of the children’s cartoon series, The Moomins.

The Institute for Sexual Health, based in Reykjavik, found that men with erectile dysfunction and women suffering from vaginismus and loss of libido reported excellent results after just a week’s exposure to the portly cartoon characters.

One man, Toby Dell, 33, from Whitechapel in East London told The Whelk; “I was in despair until I started watching The Moomins. My wife couldn’t understand why I was unable to perform in bed. She thought I didn’t find her attractive. She even accused me of having an affair.

“Now, thanks to The Moomins, our love life is better than ever and the smile is back on my wife’s face again. I can’t thank The Moomins enough to be honest with you.”

Scientists involved in the study believe that the key lies in the fact that The Moomins are from Sweden, a country that is almost synonymous with sexual freedom and eroticism.

Professor Mary Tracy who led the pioneering study told us: “We believe it’s partly due to the Swedish factor, but it’s also our opinion that it’s down to the fact that The Moomins are always in the nude. This makes people pretty horny and invariably gets them going at it full pelt”

These findings mirror a similar study conducted in 1969 which found that men and women who watched Ivor The Engine twice a week were statistically far less likely to suffer from premature ejaculation and vaginal dryness respectively.

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