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GREAT LIVES #232. This Week: Mama June Boo Boo

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Mama June Boo Boo was born in Barnsley in Yorkshire at a very young age.

She weighed just six ounces at birth, but quickly piled on the pounds, tipping the scales at an astonishing thirty-seven stone four pounds just hours later after eating sixteen Krispy Kreme donuts washed down with twelve pints of heavy in the hospital canteen.

She recounts that her early years in Yorkshire were the happiest days of her life and that she often earned in excess of fifteen pounds a week as a coalminer and part-time county executioner.

In 1980, Mama met and married a slave boss from Montgomery Alabama who was on holiday in nearby Skegness.

She subsequently moved to the USA where she gave birth to eighteen illiterate children in six months, including her world famous daughter, Honey Boo Boo, who became a deep-sea trawler skipper and governor of the state pen at the age of three.

In 2004, Mama had ballooned to a colossal ninety-five stone but shed the pounds rapidly after being almost fatally harpooned while on holiday in Tampa

She now tips the scales at a healthy eighty-five stone and thirteen pounds and was recently voted Poorly-Educated Slimmer Of The Month by the Manchester Guardian.

She is currently much sought after as a model and after dinner speaker with a fanbase right across the world, including defeated US President Donald Trump, who once tweeted that she was, ‘a fine-looking woman who has been a bigly influence on my life. So fine, so fine. Tremendous’

She has now retired from public life and lives quietly on an urban farm in Mudchute in East London, where she can often be seen giving children rides on her back in the school holidays and engaging in late-night heavy petting sessions with local shopkeepers of both sexes.

From our showbiz and inbreeding correspondent

Jacob Rees Mogg held following ‘frenzied attack’ on Honey Boo Boo

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Boo Boo pictured outside Horseferry Road magistrates court yesterday

Controversial Conservative backbencher and leading Brexiteer, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has been remanded in custody by Horseferry Road magistrates after allegedly attacking, child tv personality, Honey Boo Boo, with a Victorian life-preserver – a type of wooden cudgel.

Rees-Mogg, 49, allegedly lay in wait for the youngster outside The Marriot Hotel in Westminster where she was staying during a family holiday with her parents, Mama June and Sugar Bear.

According to an eye-witness, the Tory MP for North-East Somerset, launched a frenzied attack on Boo Boo as she made her way to a waiting Uber taxi, bludgeoning her to the ground before making off towards Vauxhall Bridge.

A close friend of the Tory toff told us last night: “I’m not surprised that Jacob has battered Honey Boo Boo.

“He’s never liked her and used to slag her off in Latin whenever her show was on.

” I once saw him kick his telly screen in during an episode in which Honey was being fitted for a beauty pageant ball gown”

In 2014, Rees-Mogg was fined £150 and bound over to keep the peace after punching, American singing star, Little Jimmy Osmond, in the stomach in a restaurant in Knightsbridge.

Cancer Sufferers launch crowdfund to have James Corden fired into the Sun

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Spot the fat misogynist. You can have more than one answer

Over 20,000 people suffering from various forms of cancer have responded to a crowdfunding appeal to have the popular actor and TV personality, James Corden, fired into the Sun.

The appeal was launched by a small group of patients and staff members at The Royal Marsden Hospital in Surrey on Wednesday in response to news that Corden is to star in a special edition of his hit TV show, Carpool Karaoke, to raise money for the Stand Up To Cancer appeal.

A hospital spokesman told newsmen: “When these patients heard that James was going to be associating himself with their condition they immediately launched an online appeal for funds to cover the cost of having the wholly unpleasant twat fired into the Sun.

“I know that many of the hospital staff have also dug deep, in the hope that the seriously unfunny moon-faced chump will be vaporised by the Sun’s rays as soon as possible”

This move comes just a month after people suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome raised close to half a million pounds in two weeks to pay for the extreme right-wing political pundit, Nigel Farage, to be bombarded with gamma rays and then dropped from an aircraft over Faisalabad without a parachute.

Whelk Exclusive: Trump Made Up for Bad Sex With Blistering Piano Accordion Solo: Stormy Daniels Speaks Out

 

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Yeah, the boy can play. Trump pictured with an accordion last night

Ex-porn star turned kiss and tell sensation, Stormy Daniels, has told The Whitechapel Whelk that US President, Donald Trump, gave a sensational rendition of a medley of popular tunes on the piano accordion following their brief sexual encounter in 2006

Speaking exclusively to our showbiz editor, Daniels, 87, said “He was absolutely useless in the sack, to be honest. At one point I had to ask him if he’d started.

“However, he more than made up for it afterwards when he took his piano accordion from the wardrobe and launched into a number of old time favourites.

“His skill and virtuosity were pretty damn sensational to be fair to the man.

“He played a number of tunes, including, The Rose of Traylee, Danny Boy, The Sash My Father Wore, and most memorably of all for me, the theme tune from Bonanza.

“To my astonishment, I became extremely aroused during the performance and actually reached a shattering climax during the closing bars of, You Were Made For Me. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world.”

Ms Daniels’ revelation comes almost 25 years to the day since, White House intern, Monica Lewinsky, told newsmen that President Bill Clinton had played a wonderful rendition of the Chas and Dave hit, Give Me a London Girl, on the mouth organ while she sucked him off under the table at a UN summit conference in 1995.

BREAKING: HOLLYWOOD BOMBSHELL

 

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Joan was born in Paddington in West London which is not far from Marylebone where my great-grandfather was born. It makes you wonder whether he may have occasionally treated her to a fish supper and an evening of dominos and heavy drinking at his flat in St Pancras doesn’t it? If he did, he certainly didn’t mention it to me, or my great-grandmother come to that – Ed

I’ll protect vulnerable Scots from Sun’s rays with my big face says, Olly Murs

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Big-faced pop icon, Olly Murs, has vowed to shield the fair-skinned people of Scotland from harmful UVA rays during the current heatwave by blocking out the sun with his massive dial.

Murs told The Whitechapel Whelk last night: “If I can prevent one single Scotch person from getting sunburned by using my gigantic face, then my life will not have been in vain.”

The Dance With Me star plans to stand on a hill close to Hadrians Wall and blot out the Sun between the hours of 11.00 and 16.00 when the rays are at their most harmful.

It is believed that over 30,000 millilitres of sun cream will be applied to Murs’ gargantuan face by a team of over 50 makeup artists before he takes up his position at 11.00am today.

If you have fair skin like a Scotch person and are concerned about exposure to harmful UVA rays then stay indoors, you bloody idiot – Ed

Cher gives birth to 93rd child in Sacremento McDonald’s restroom

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I Got You Babe: Cher pictured outside the maternity ward last night

Pop legend, Cher, yesterday announced, that last Tuesday afternoon, she gave birth to her 93rd child during a visit to the ladies facilities at a McDonald’s restaurant in Sacremento, California.

The clearly emotional, ‘Gypsies Tramps and Thieves’ singer, told newsmen: “It was the most beautiful moment of my entire life.

“I went into the little girls’ room to lay a loaf after a heavy meal and emerged with another kid.

“I mean what are the chances for God’s sake? Hell, I didn’t even know I was pregnant”

The, ‘It’s In His Kiss’ star, now has 63 girls and 30 boys, all by different fathers, and is fast catching up with close friend, Meryl Streep, who has 106 mixed race children and who is currently in a Detroit maternity unit awaiting the birth of her 3rd set of triplets.

9 out of 10 Londoners want James Corden to be fired into the Sun reveals survey

 

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Corden delivers another of his trademark hilarious gags at a fundraising dinner for victims of sexual assault

 

A recent survey conducted amongst people living in the Greater London area has revealed that 9 out of 10 people, of all ages, ethnic groups, sexes and religions, would like nothing better than to see the actor, comedian, voiceover man, awards ceremony host and game show everpresent, James Corden, fired into the Sun.

This latest survey follows a recent extensive Gallup poll conducted in Washington DC, which found that an astonishing 99% of the population would be more than happy to personally saw Piers Morgan’s head off with a rusty fish knife.

The remaining 1% thought that it would be too good for him.

Whelk Showbiz Exclusive: I use 12 cans of Gillette Foamy to shave my big face claims Olly Murs

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Pop icon, Olly Murs, has told The Whelk that he uses 12 cans of shaving foam every morning and gets through over 20 disposable razors during a single shave of his big face.

The Dance With Me star told The Whelk’s showbiz editor, Sofia Dee: “Having a gigantic face is great most of the time but there are some drawbacks, like shaving in the morning.

“I routinely get through about a dozen cans of Gillette Foamy and countless razor blades. It’s time-consuming too. Quite often, I’ll finish shaving and rinse off the remnants of foam only to find that my moustache has grown back while I was doing the bits under my huge chin and I have to start again.

“I’ve tried growing a beard but a number of wild animals moved into it, mistaking my massive face for the Amazonian jungle.

“On the bright side, Brut aftershave have given me a 20 quid voucher as a thank you for using 2 imperial pints of their product every morning”

Murs is currently in California where 500 temporary homes have been built on his gargantuan face to provide shelter for victims of the recent devastating mudslides.

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