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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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Barry Manilow invades Democratic Republic of Congo

barry-manilow

Reports are coming in that pop icon, Barry Manilow has seized power in The Democratic Republic of Congo following a daring military coup in the early hours of this morning.

Manilow, 74, stormed the DRC parliament at around 1.00am this morning after seizing other strategic buildings, including the state radio station and the ministry of defence

The Kinshasa Times reported this morning: ‘Barry Manilow now holds power in the DRC. It became apparent that he’d staged a successful coup after he was heard singing, I Can’t Smile Without You, on the radio before sensationally announcing that he was gay.’

The daring takeover comes just 6 months after Great British Bake Off presenter, Paul Hollywood, was driven back to Liverpool by Swedish troops after a doomed attempt to seize the parliament building in Stockholm.

Barry is appearing at The Whitechapel Working Men’s Club between November 7 and 15.
For tickets, send £789 cash to:
Whelk Enterprises
Tickets Division
103 Commercial Street
Whitechapel E1
No refunds or arguing in the extremely likely event that your tickets don’t arrive

Local woman’s Trump impressions cure boyfriend’s premature ejaculation issues.

trump cum delay

A 22-year-old woman from Whitechapel claims to have put an end to her boyfriend’s chronic premature ejaculation problem by adopting the voice and mannerisms of American President, Donald Trump, during their lovemaking.

Tracy Dell, a manicurist, told us: “My boyfriend, Toby, used to suffer terribly from premature ejaculation. Most of the time it was over before it even got started to be perfectly honest.

“It got so bad he once ejaculated in the supermarket when I bought a bottle of wine and suggested having a glass or two later and an early night.

“It was only after I hit upon the idea of impersonating Donald Trump during sex that things improved dramatically.

“These days, whenever I think he’s about to let himself down, I start spouting right-wing gibberish while putting my thumb and forefinger together.

“I then follow this up by making a kind of fish face and begin waving my arms about.

“The only problem we’ve encountered thus far occurred last Saturday night when he completely lost his erection after I’d spotted the telltale signs of his impending climax and blurted out that I was going to scrap Obamacare, drain the swamp and build a huge wall along the Mexican border”

If proven to be effective, Ms Dell’s method could finally see an end to the age-old practice of men delaying an impending climax by thinking about football or the German Chancellor, Angela Merkel.

WHELK EXCLUSIVE:  James Corden has started to eat himself.

The Whitechapel Whelk can exclusively reveal that popular actor and TV personality, James Corden, has begun eating himself and has already consumed his left arm and part of his right leg.

A close friend of the Carpool Karaoke star told us: “I first noticed that James was eating himself when a few of us went to a barbeque at his place a few days ago.

“It started when he accidentally got some smokey BBQ marinade on his fingers.

“He began sucking on them to clean them up, then, all of a sudden, he began biting them off one by one and eating them.

“He even put his thumb and pinkie on the grill and basted them with Piri Piri sauce before gnawing the flesh from the bones, a bit like you would with a spicy wing or a spare rib.

“Since then, he’s been gradually eating more and more of himself. He started on his left leg yesterday and has already eaten his foot and the best part of his calf. We’re all a bit worried, to be honest.

“What about if he eats his head? He won’t be able to do his talk show, let alone sing in the car with the likes of Madonna and Michelle Obama”

A leading psychologist told us: “Cordon’s condition is symptomatic of someone suffering from deep-seated narcissism combined with anorexia.

“In short, he absolutely loves himself but hates being a fat fuck, hence the self-cannibalism. It will be playing havoc with his cholesterol levels, I’ll tell you that much”

Corden’s rare condition was once suffered by roly-poly, BBC Radio London presenter, Vanessa Feltz, who eventually gave up after it took her 3 days to eat one of her fingers.

Ant & Dec on £25 a week each claims report.

Ant-Dec

from our showbiz and moon-faced, little Geordie bastards editor, Danny SoZ

Popular TV hosts, Ant & Dec, earn a staggering £25 a week each according to a new report out today.

The Daily Mail claim that the duo have been on the same salary for the last 30 years, making them among the lowest paid TV stars in the world after entertainer, Bruce Forsythe, who was on £15 a week until he retired last year with a small invalidity pension, and American chat show host, David Letterman, who earns $500 a year plus Luncheon Vouchers.

A spokesperson for ITV, for whom the two popular Geordies present Saturday night staples like, I’m A Celebrity and Britain’s Got Talent, told The Whitechapel Whelk: “The boys have been on 25 quid a week since we first signed them up to present a couple of kids programmes back in the 60s.

“They’re perfectly happy with the arrangement and we do sometimes let them have the odd free lunch from the catering van if they’re a bit short at the end of the week.”

We spoke to the pair outside their shared bedsit in Sunderland last night and asked them if rumours about their earnings were accurate.

Dec, 73, told us: “Way aye man. I diven’t nah how much we earn to be honest with you. But it must be a canny bit because we always have enough at the end of the week for ganning doon the toon for a pie and a pint man”

Partner Ant, 71, seemed equally happy. “Aye bonny lad, as long as we’ve got enough cash for a good feed and a bottle of Newcastle Brown we’re happy like.

“We’ve still got £1.50 left over from last week as it happens, so we’re thinking of putting our presenting suits on and ganning doon the toon to see if we can tash on with a couple of canny lassies and gi’ ’em a shagging back at wor place like”

Ant and Dec are now appearing at The London Palladium presenting a live version of Saturday Night Takeaway as well as clearing away glasses in the bar afterwards for £1.50 an hour plus tips.

Britain’s men breath communal sigh of relief as Idris Elba is exposed as being useless at darts

Victoria's Secret Supermodels Celebrate The Sexiest Push Ups and The Victoria's Secret Swim Special
Smarmy, smug twat, Elba, pictured being the ‘Big I Am’ last night

There was a huge sigh of relief from Britain’s male population last night as heartthrob award-winning actor, adventurer, and seemingly flawless, all-round good guy, Idris Elba, put on an inept display while playing darts in a pub in Whitechapel yesterday afternoon.

Elba, 44, who has been nominated 4 times for a Golden Globe, was absolutely thrashed in a game of 501 by local ‘spear-chucker’, Toby Dell, a 47-year-old mechanic from Factory Lane.

Speaking to The Whelk from his home last night, Mr Dell told us: “When Idris Elba walked into that pub and asked if anyone fancied a game of spears nobody really fancied taking the boy on

“Because of his reputation as being good at everything, everybody thought he’d be a shit-hot player and would wipe the floor with all-comers.

“Against my better judgement, I stepped forward and volunteered to take him on in 3 games of 501.

“To my delight, he was absolutely crap from start to finish. When I finished with a double 8 after 16 darts he still had 437 on the board. I think his highest score was 25.

“As my final dart hit that double, everyone in the boozer started cheering and taking the piss out of him, calling him a flash bastard and a useless mug.

“He just finished his pint, put his arrows back in his top pocket and left. I’m pretty sure he was crying, to be honest.”

Elba couldn’t be contacted last night, but his agent played down the incident: “Idris was suffering from a detached retina after sparring for 12 rounds with World Heavyweight Champ, Anthony Joshua last week, so he probably couldn’t even see the board.

“He also had a bad finger after catching it in his fidget spinner the day before. He’ll be back for a rematch, no question”

Elba is currently shooting a new series of his highly-acclaimed TV cop show, Luther, where he will no doubt end up killing all the baddies with ease and will get to shag at least 3 really fit women while he’s about it.

Showbiz Bombshell: Ariana Grande’s mother was a North Sea halibut, DNA test reveals.

The 58th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

The world of pop music was reeling last night as a leading genetic scientist revealed that American pop princess, Ariana Grande’s mother was a halibut from the North Sea area just off the coast of Great Yarmouth.

Professor, Tobias Dell, 72, told The Whitechapel Whelk: “My colleagues and I became interested in Ms Grande’s genetics when we noticed that she was constantly pursing her lips in photographs, making her resemble a fish of some description.

“We managed to obtain a trace of her DNA from a wine glass and conducted tests which prove, without doubt, that her mother was a North Sea halibut.

“Her father’s species has not yet been established, but judging by her gyrations when performing on stage we suspect that he may have been a small primate of some description, possibly a gibbon.”

This revelation comes just 2 months after a scientific team from Oxford University, established beyond doubt that pop icon, Justin Bieber’s paternal grandfather was a member of a single-celled species of pondlife from the Cro-Magnon period.

Editor’s Note: We watched Ariana at the One Love concert in Manchester last night, and we all agree that she’s a little poppet and a talented kid who showed real guts and a caring heart. Well played Treacle!

“Haven’t we suffered enough?”: Manchester Mayor’s outburst as Bieber set to appear at terror victims tribute gig.

justin meme

Greater Manchester Mayor, Andy Burnham, last night expressed his dismay after learning that, Canadian pop icon, Justin Bieber, has been confirmed as one of the all-star support acts to Ariana Grande as she performs at Old Trafford cricket ground on Sunday evening in a tribute gig and a fundraiser for the injured victim’s of last week’s terrorist attack and the families of the 22 people who lost their lives in the outrage.

A clearly emotional Burnham, told reporters “Don’t the organisers of this event think that the people of Manchester have suffered enough without being subjected to Bieber’s God-awful racket?

“I’ve written to the organisers personally and have urged them to think again on this one.

“I’ve asked them to consider asking Olly Murs to step into Bieber’s slot. His huge face and sunny disposition could be just what the doctor ordered.

“At the end of the day, anything would be preferable to Bieber’s hideous caterwauling. And let’s not forget there’s always the prospect that he’ll lose the plot and start slagging off his fans and pissing over the people in the front row”

We managed to speak to Bieber at his home in Palm Beach last night who tried to reassure Burnham.

“The Mayor is perfectly entitled to his opinion but there’s no way I would disrespect the people of Manchester by shooting my mouth off or by taking a leak on some of the chumps in the crowd, and just to be on the safe side, I’m going to restrict my fluid intake on the day and make sure I have a whizz before I go on stage”

It is understood that Coldplay have been given the go-ahead to perform, with the proviso that lead singer, Chris Martin, doesn’t start droning on about his failed marriage to Gwyneth Paltrow between numbers.

The Whelk’s Wonderful Worldwide World of Sex Symbols Who Suffer From Embarrassing Itching

THIS WEEK: Marilyn Monroe

marilyn arse scuffing

“I watched Britain’s Got Talent in secret”: Whitechapel woman’s shock deathbed revelation.

 

bgt
An extremely spurious poster pictured last night

 

A dying woman has left her family devastated by confessing that she was a fan of the Saturday night TV talent show, Britain’s Got Talent, and used to record every episode before watching them in secret while alone in the house.

Tracy Dell, 87, who passed away peacefully at her home in Commercial Road last week, made the confession to her husband, Toby and their 4 children as they sat by her bedside shortly before she died.

Mr Dell, 90, a retired dustman, told The Whelk: “It was a shattering blow for all of us when Tracy told us of her secret life.

“We assumed she hated the show like the rest of us, and would even join in the scornful piss-taking whenever it was mentioned.

“When she dropped this bombshell on her deathbed it was as much as I could do to keep myself from giving her a good hiding. I probably would have done if the kids hadn’t held me back.

“In the end, I just hurled abuse at her and tipped a jug of water over her head.

“The whole family are completely devastated by this.My two daughters haven’t stopped crying and the boys have taken to the drink.

“I forgave her for having an affair with my dad once but I shall hold this one against her until my final breath”

A spokesman for ITV, who screen the show, told us last night: “It’s great news that this lady was a fan of the show, it’s just a pity she’s dead as the audience figures are bad enough as it is”

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