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The Whitechapel Whelk

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Simon Cowell

Simon Cowell to be fired to the edge of space using his big trousers

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Pop entrepreneur and TV personality, Simon Cowell, is set to join the likes of Amazon mogul, Jeff Bezos, and Virgin Media boss, Richard Branson, who have recently embarked on multi-million-pound space trips, by being fired to the very edge of space using a specially-designed catapult, which, when attached to the braces on his massive, high waistband trousers will hurl him skywards at speeds in excess of two thousand miles per hour.

Speaking to newsmen last night, Cowell, 87, said: “Ever since I was a kid, listening to David Bowie’s Space Oddity on my transistor radio, I’ve been fascinated by space travel, so this opportunity to be catapulted to the very edge of the Earth’s atmosphere using my huge trousers as a rudimentary slingshot really is a boyhood dream come true.

Cowell is scheduled to be launched from his back garden on October 10 this year, wearing a specially designed helmet linked to an oxygen tank on his back.

The daring mogul will also be coated with a high factor sunscreen in case he ventures too close to the sun, although he has told friends he hopes to avoid that pitfall by going at night.

SHOWBIZ NEWS

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NEXT WEEK: Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ heritage search reveals that she’s a direct descendant of a troupe of Sumatran gibbons, famous for their screeching night calls and for telling outrageous lies to one another during their mutual grooming sessions.

I’ll prevent World War III by deflecting US missiles with my big face says defiant Olly Murs

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Pop icon, Olly Murs, roared out a defiant message to the Trump presidency last night as he vowed to avert the threat of a third world war by using his gigantic face to block any American missiles fired at targets in Syria in reprisal for the rogue state’s chemical weapons attack on the rebel-held enclave of Douma last week.

Murs told reporters: “I’ve no time for President Assad or his Russian backers in this war on his own people but at the same time I can’t run the risk of a third world war breaking out against the Russkies so I’ve decided to use my massive face to shield Syria from any American or British missile strikes.

“Basically, I’m going to stand on the beach in Syria and jump up and block any missiles that I see heading inland with my big face.

“It’ll be a bit like going up for a header in one of those charity footie matches I play in with Robbie Williams”

Syrian President, Bashar al-Assad expressed his gratitude to the Dance With Me star last night: “It’s brilliant news that Olly will be using his huge dial to block any American missiles heading our way.

“I’ve never been a big fan in the past, but now, both myself and Mr Putin will be asking our respective citizens to go out and buy one of his albums. On pain of death”

In other news, showbiz entrepreneur, Simon Cowell, has offered to catch any Russian missiles heading to England in a pair of his ridiculous, enormous high-waisted, trousers.

I’ll quell N. Korea threat with my big trousers: Simon Cowell’s defiant vow

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Pop entrepreneur, Simon Cowell, last night issued a defiant message to, North Korean despot, Kim Jong-un, by pledging his support to the West and vowing to quell any forthcoming aggression from the rogue state by dropping a pair of his enormous, high-waisted trousers over the entire country, blocking out the light and thereby preventing them from aiming their missiles.

Speaking from his home in Palm Springs, Cowell 107, told reporters: “I’ve had just about enough of Kim Jong-un’s sabre rattling and anti-western rhetoric.

“I spoke to Cheryl Cole about it on the phone last night and she suggested dropping a pair of my ridiculously large trousers over North Korea to quell any future threat and I found myself in firm agreement with her.

“I’ve got an absolutely enormous pair in the wardrobe that make me look like an absolute, ocean-going twat and I’ve told Donald Trump to send round a Chinook helicopter later to pick them up”

A spokesperson for The United Nations told newsmen last night: “With the threat of a nuclear exchange growing exponentially, this offer from Mr Cowell is extremely timely.

“We hope to drop a pair of his idiotic trousers on Pyong Yang later on today. Let’s see how they like that shall we?”

This move by the UN mirrors the action taken by coalition forces during the 2nd Gulf War when an entire battalion of Saddam’s Republican Guard were smothered to death by a pair of gigantic frilly knickers donated to the war effort by roly-poly, BBC London radio host, Vanessa Feltz.

Olly Murs offered entire branch of Whitechapel Women’s Institute £5 to sit on his big face claims Chairwoman

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The Chairwoman of the Whitechapel branch of The Women’s Institute has made the shock claim, that, pop icon, Olly Murs, offered her five pounds in cash if she would arrange for the entire 200 strong branch to sit on his huge face simultaneously at his luxury flat in nearby Wapping.

Mrs Tracy Dell, 54, a housewife and former world speed crocheting champion, told The Whelk.

“Olly Murs approached me after a branch meeting last Wednesday and asked for a word in private.

“We went to a local teashop where he paid for a pot of tea and a plate of coconut macaroons.

“He seemed very nice at first and we chatted about cookery, needlecraft and dealing with persistent groupies.

“Then he offered me five pounds if I would arrange for the other ladies to come to his flat on Friday and sit on his massive face all at the same time.

“Naturally I was disgusted at this and hurriedly made my excuses and left. I was going to tell my husband when I got home, but I didn’t want to risk him getting into trouble with the police for punching Olly’s gigantic face in”

Murs strongly denied the accusation last night: “I have never asked The Whitechapel Women’s Institute to sit on my big face. This lady is clearly mistaken. I freely admit I met her, but all I did was offer her a fiver for half a dozen jars of elderberry preserve for my mum”

This revelation comes just 3 days after, millionaire pop mogul, Simon Cowell, was accused of offering The Dagenham Girl Pipers 75 pence to climb down the front of his enormous trousers

500 New Homes to be Built on Olly Murs’s Big Face

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Murs pictured in buoyant mood last night

In a bid to reduce the waiting list for social housing in East London, Mayor, Sadiq Khan, has announced plans to construct 500 small, 3 bedroomed properties on the enormous face of pop sensation Olly Murs.

Addressing the London assembly this morning, Khan said: “With so many families living in temporary accommodation throughout the East London boroughs, we have decided to utilise some of the wide open spaces available to us and provide permanent quality housing for those most in need of it. We have earmarked Olly Murs‘s big face as just one of the options open to us.”

Murs himself was unavailable for comment, but his agent said “Olly is absolutely delighted to have hundreds of East London’s most needy residents setting up home on his gigantic face. He sees it as a great chance to put something back into the community.”

It is believed this is just one of a number of moves to use celebrities to improve conditions in the London area and follows controversial proposals to build a large heliport on Simon Cowell’s massive forehead.

The Whelk’s TV Choice #437

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SKY MOVIES SELECT. 19.30 – As Good As It Gets.

Comedy drama which sees Donald Trump getting run over by a steamroller driven by Simon Cowell which then explodes a few metres further down the road alongside a bus stop where Justin Bieber and Nigel Farage are waiting for a No. 2 to Hackney Town Hall.

WARNING: Contains small fragments of irritating arseoles and loud gales of laughter.

Flooded Sections of River Thames to be Pumped Into Simon Cowell’s Big Trousers

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Shadwell Dock pictured earlier after being pumped into Simon Cowell’s big trousers.

In a surprise announcement last night, the Environment Agency have revealed that millions of gallons of Thames flood water is to be pumped into the huge trousers of TV entrepreneur Simon Cowell, bringing much-needed relief to thousands of beleaguered London residents in affected areas.

A spokesman for the agency told reporters: “Work has already begun, and throughout the next few days, our engineers will be pumping a further 3 million gallons of flood water and slurry into Simon Cowell’s giant trousers. The turn-ups at the bottom will be secured around his ankles using cable ties which will effect a watertight seal. Mr Cowell will then be winched up by helicopter and taken over the English Channel where the ties will be cut and the excess water jettisoned into the sea. We envisage that the operation will be completed by the weekend or shortly after; although you can never be a hundred percent sure about these things can you?”

Residents in the flood-ravaged areas have welcomed the news. Mrs Jade Tracy, 25 – whose council home at Wapping Dock has been under water since before Christmas, told us: “Personally, I can’t stand Simon Cowell and I avoid his puerile TV shows like the plague; but if his massive trousers are going to bring an end to this hell then all I can say is fair play to the irritating fucker”

Cowell is not the only celebrity aiming to help out in the crisis. Former glamour model turned reality TV star, Katie Price, has agreed to have her ankles chained to two powerful tugboats which will then drag her along the bed of the Thames dredging up thousands of tons of compacted silt with her enormous minge.

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