The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888



Britain and EU call truce to play lunchtime football match


Theresa May and her wingman, Stephen “Ginger” Barclay, pictured on their way to Europe for Brexit talks yesterday

The warring factions of Great Britain and the European Union called a brief truce at noon yesterday to share food and drink with each other and to play a game of 13-a-side football on the green outside the European Parliament in Strasbourg.

Members of both negotiating teams, including British prime minister, Theresa May and European Council President, Donald Tusk, approached each other tentatively outside the parliament building following a morning spent at loggerheads over Mrs May’s proposal to make changes to the Irish backstop agreement.

The protagonists then shook hands briefly before sharing their packed lunches and other refreshments.

At one point, the British produced a case of Spitfire Kentish Ale and handed out cans to their opposite numbers, while the Europeans opened bottles of wine and lager to share with their British counterparts.

Then, amid laughter and some good-natured catcalls, an old leather football was produced and a rather shambolic soccer match began, which the Brits won 4-2 after a controversial late effort from Brexit Secretary, Stephen Barclay, struck the crossbar and bounced down just behind the goal line.

It was a hard-fought but good-natured affair for the most part. However, the game ended on a sour note after European Chief Negotiator, Michel Barnier, clattered Mrs May on the halfway line in injury time.

The two then squared up and there was some pushing and shoving, with Barnier calling the British Prime Minister, a “lanky Little Englander”, which May countered by calling the Frenchman, “an intransigent Frog twat.”

West Ham United’s Andy Carroll injured during ‘taking the knee’ training mishap


andy carroll
Star spangled spanner. Carroll receives last-minute instructions from team boss, Slaven Bilic.


Injury-plagued West Ham United striker, Andy Carroll, will now be out of action for another 6 months after a training ground incident in which he was demonstrating his plan to ‘take the knee’ in support of American sports stars who are currently protesting about racial injustice by going down on one knee during the National Anthem in that country.

West Ham announced the news on the club’s website last night: “Following an incident in training, Andy Carroll will be out for at least 6 months, and may even miss the remainder of the season.

“We wish Andy a full and speedy recovery and look forward to seeing him back in action as soon as possible”

Carroll, who has spent 97% of his career on the treatment table since joining The Hammers from Liverpool in 2012, collapsed in pain as he tried to get up after taking the knee and was rushed to The Royal London Hospital where he is on first name terms with the entire medical staff and most of the cleaners.

This latest setback follows a recent 2-year spell on the sidelines after the £20 million accident-prone star tore an anterior cruciate ligament while helping his girlfriend put the shopping away in 2015.

Shameful scenes as crowd trouble mars thrilling world chess final


Savagery: Chess louts clash at last night’s final


from our Stanley knife and black eye correspondent, Danny SoZ

There were chaotic scenes following the World Chess Championship final in Manhatten last night when supporters of both finalists clashed following a thrilling victory by Norway’s Magnus Carlsen over his Russian rival, Sergey Karjakin.

Police moved in with dogs as missiles were hurled by both sets of warring supporters and fighting spilled over onto the board.

Tension between the rival fans had threatened to boil over earlier when Carlsen supporters hurled racist insults at Karjakin, who was using black chess pieces.

At one point, a banana was thrown onto the board, knocking one of the Russian’s bishops over.

As the final buzzer sounded, jubilant Carlsen fans taunted their rivals, who responded by ripping up and hurling tiles from the hotel floor at their tormentors, prompting the Norwegians to charge en-masse into the Russian end.

27 people were treated in hospital last night, including 6 police officers and over 100 arrests were made on a night of savagery and disorder, which one shocked tournament official described as being more in keeping with a Donald Trump rally in Alabama.

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