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BREXIT LATEST: Concerns grow as Theresa May masturbates during crisis meeting

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Are the cracks beginning to show? Prime Minister May pictured just hours before her public hand shandy

Concerns over Prime Minister Theresa May’s mental health were growing last night as reports emerged that she had masturbated to completion during yesterday’s emergency Cabinet meeting called to thrash out a way forward in the Brexit crisis.

A Downing Street insider told The Whelk: “The Brexit Secretary, Stephen Barclay, had just proposed that the Prime Minister should abandon plans to give Parliament a fourth chance to adopt her withdrawal agreement in favour of a cross-party package based on Monday’s indicative votes.

“This seemed to unsettle her to some extent and it was at this point that she began to masturbate furiously.

“Initially, it was a fairly discreet, under the table affair, but then, as her excitement grew, she became more frenzied and threw herself to the floor and started going at it full pelt. You could see everything, to be honest.

“One or two ministers left the room in disgust at this point, but Andrea Leadsom tried to restore the PM’s dignity by covering her lower half with a table cloth so you couldn’t see her growler.

“I suppose it took her about a minute to finally blow her custard, after which, she just got up and began discussing a possible deal involving a revised customs union as if nothing had happened”

This incident mirrors the infamous 1967 occasion when Labour Prime Minister, Harold Wilson, got his cock out during Prime Minister’s Question Time in The House of Commons and blasted huge wads of scalding spadge all over The Mace.

Eurosport win rights to screen England team bus driver checking tyre pressures before Belgium clash

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Cable and satellite sports station, Eurosport, have announced that they have made a successful bid to screen the driver of the England team bus checking his tyre pressures prior to driving the team from their Moscow hotel to the stadium for their third and fourth place playoff clash on Saturday.

A spokesman for the station, who regularly attract viewers in their hundreds for their coverage of crown green bowling, bar billiards, and live stamp-collecting, told newsmen: “This is a major coup for us and will bring all the excitement of tyre pressure checks direct to the homes of our viewers.”

Cameras will follow the driver from his hotel to the coach station where he will carry out the pre-journey check using an RAC-approved gauge said to be accurate to within +/- 3lbs psi.

Speaking to newsmen last night, the driver, Toby Dell, 32, said: “It’s a big responsibility and it’s going to pretty tough knowing that the cameras will be on me, but hopefully, I won’t buckle under the pressure, so to speak”

This latest bid mirrors the channel’s money-spinning pay-per-view coverage of the England kit manager’s wife handwashing a pair of Harry Kane’s pants following the nerve-jangling penalty shoot-out against Columbia in the quarter-final.

SPORT: WORLD CUP LATEST

Following Argentina’s early exit yesterday afternoon, former Argie legend, Diego Maradona, demonstrates his support for fellow South American World Cup hopefuls, Columbia, by tucking into their national product last night

maradona snorting coke
Picture from our rolled-up banknote correspondent, Danny Soz

WORLD CUP LATEST: No sniggering please!

From our schadenfreude correspondent, Danny SoZ

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If you felt a warm glow of inner joy at around 16.45pm BST yesterday which resulted in a bout of prolonged self-hugging then join the club – Ed

 

 

 

Anti-boxing man held for domestic violence

 

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Savagery. Two bloodied pugilists pictured trading blows while a baying mob looks on.

 

A 45-year-old Whitechapel man who regularly speaks out against the sport of professional boxing was last night arrested at his home and charged with assaulting his wife after neighbours raised the alarm when a heated argument between the couple developed into violence.

The unnamed man is believed to be a strong anti-boxing lobbyist who regularly writes to his MP on the subject and sends letters to newspapers, demanding an end to what he believes to be the barbarity of the professional fight game.

The man’s wife was admitted to hospital and later discharged after being treated for facial injuries and a mild concussion

In other news, a vegan woman from Bow in East London was arrested last night after police raided her home following a tip-off and discovered a halal abattoir in her conservatory.

Editor’s Note: If you’re male and toying with the idea of raising your hand to a woman, it might be an idea not to do it in plain view of a member of our newsdesk. Absolutely no good will come of it, trust me.

 

Local woman ejected from pub after expressing impertinent and unseemly, football-based opinion.

 

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Bobby Moore says: ‘Ladies. Know your place!’

 

A 27-year-old woman had to be thrown out of The Blind Beggar public house in Whitechapel, East London, in disgrace last month after voicing an opinion on the tactics being employed by West Ham United boss, David Moyes, during the team’s 3-1 defeat at Brighton and Hove Albion.

Tracy Dell, an accounts manager, spoke out of turn after watching The Hammers concede a third goal in the 2nd half on the pub’s television.

According to witnesses, Ms Dell became agitated at this point and impertinently opined loudly that the team was showing a lack of cohesion at the back and that the 2 fullbacks should be given free reign to bomb on down the flanks and get a few crosses in.

At this point, the landlord intervened and wrestled Ms Dell to the ground before bundling her out of the door amid boos and catcalls.

The match finished 3-1 to Brighton, a bitter blow for relegation-threatened West Ham’s hopes for survival in the top flight.

In the post-match TV studio analysis, veteran soccer pundit, Mark Lawrenson, claimed that The Hammers would have won the game comfortably if they’d had a bit more cohesion at the back and had given the fullbacks free reign to bomb on down the flanks and get a few crosses in.

Local woman escorted from pub following impertinent and unseemly, football-based opinion shocker

 

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Unruly women getting ideas above their station in the olden days

 

A 27-year-old woman had to be led from The Blind Beggar public house in Whitechapel, East London, in disgrace on Saturday afternoon after voicing an opinion on the tactics being employed by West Ham United boss, David Moyes, during the team’s 3-1 defeat at Brighton and Hove Albion.

Tracy Dell, an accounts manager, spoke out of turn after watching The Hammers concede a third goal in the 2nd half on the pub’s television.

According to witnesses, Ms Dell became agitated at this point and impertinently opined loudly that the side were showing a lack of cohesion at the back and that the 2 fullbacks should be given free reign to bomb on down the flanks and get a few crosses in.

At this point, the landlord intervened and escorted Ms Dell from the premises amid boos and catcalls.

The match finished 3-1 to Brighton, a bitter blow for relegation-threatened West Ham’s hopes for survival in the top flight.

In the after TV match studio analysis, veteran soccer pundit, Mark Lawrenson, claimed that The Hammers would have won the game comfortably if they’d had a bit more cohesion at the back and had given the fullbacks free reign to bomb on down the flanks and get a few crosses in.

Formula 1 to introduce ‘Grid Cockneys’ in 2018 season

 

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Sorted! Two ‘grid cockneys’ pictured last night practising for The Monaco Grand Prix

 

Following their decision to scrap the traditional ‘grid girls’ this season, F1 bosses have announced, that in the 2018 season, cars will line up on the starting grid alongside men who were born within the sound of the bells of St Mary Le Bow church in the City of London.

These ‘grid cockneys’ will still hold umbrellas to shade drivers as they sit in the cockpit, but instead of the traditional skimpy clothing that made their predecessors such a colourful and popular spectacle at races throughout the season, the men will wear West Ham football shirts, colourful neckerchiefs, Levi Sta-Prest trousers and trilby hats.

Formula 1 CEO, Chase Carey, welcomed the move last night: “We think it’s a great idea. These chirpy London lads will be a colourful addition to the grid, and as long as they don’t start selling stolen watches to the drivers or scrapping with each other in the paddock, we believe they’ll be a welcome replacement for the girls, who, in all fairness, were a bit old hat and were coming in for some hammer from the feminist movement for having their arses and bangers on display”

It is understood that men from the city of Liverpool were also considered, but bosses decided that ‘Grid Scousers’ were far too likely to steal the cars’ wheels in the pit lane and leave them up on bricks.

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