The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888




Stabbing disrupts class for anger management



An anger management session at a local authority facility was halted yesterday afternoon after an attendee stabbed a fellow class member repeatedly following a disagreement on who was benefiting the most from the 21-day course.

Another class member told The Whitechapel Whelk: “The session was going pretty well initially and then things got heated when the lecturer asked people to give anecdotal evidence which would illustrate how the sessions had improved their behaviour under provocation.

This fella stood up and said that he’d resisted the temptation to assault his next-door neighbour for parking in front of his driveway and had merely left a passive-aggressive note on his windscreen and slashed his tyres.

At this point, another class member started calling him cowardly and scared to have a man-to-man straightener with the neighbour.

“He then told the class that his rehabilitation was far more impressive and that he hadn’t attacked his wife and kids for almost a fortnight

“The first bloke then pulled a blade from his jacket and started stabbing the geezer repeatedly.

“A few of us then jumped on top of him and gave him a battering before the lecturer put a stop to it by pulling a gun and shooting one of the lads in the back”

Just two weeks earlier, police had to be called to the venue when a drunken brawl broke out in the car park following a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.


Whitechapel pictured during happier times

In one of the bloodiest episodes East London has ever witnessed, the entire population of Whitechapel were found stabbed to death earlier this morning.

The bodies of 14,876 people were found by Tower Hamlets council dustmen when they arrived at 5.00 am to empty the bins.

One of the workers, Toby Dell, 32, told newsmen: “It was pretty grim, to be honest.

“There were bodies strewn all over the place. It was like a scene from one of those war films.

“It was obvious that they had all been stabbed as they had knives sticking out of them.

“I know that knife crime has been on the rise recently but you don’t expect this sort of thing do you?”

A Metropolitan police spokesman told reporters: “We haven’t made any arrests as yet but we are currently questioning 13,780 people from Bermondsey in South London and have released 12,453 on police bail”

There has been bad feeling between the two districts since Whitechapel narrowly pipped their South London rivals in the annual, London’s Most Well-Kept Front Garden contest in June of last year.

Entire population of Whitechapel stabbed in “2 minutes of savagery”

jack the ripper police find body
“Over ‘ere sarge. We’ve got another one!”

The Metropolitan Police are looking into a troubling incident yesterday that led to the entire population of Whitechapel being stabbed – in what a Met spokesman has dubbed, “2 minutes of savagery”

The incident took place between 15.00 and 15.02 yesterday afternoon when over 20,000 masked assailants descended on the borough and stabbed the entire population in a frenzied and unprovoked assault.

One of the victims, Toby Dell, a 45-year-old furniture porter, told The Whelk: “I was carrying a sofa from the van when this bloke in a mask just walked up and stabbed me. I couldn’t believe it to be honest.

“I called out for help to a bloke who was sitting on a bench with his girlfriend but they’d been stabbed too and just told me to call an ambulance.

“Now it seems as if everybody else came in for the same treatment.

“It’s a shame really but it’s a sign of the times we live in I suppose”

Police say that following a full investigation everybody in the South London district of Bermondsey has now been arrested.

They are currently helping police with their enquiries.

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