The Whitechapel Whelk

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Strictly Come Dancing

Strictly Bombshell: Farage to compete in show’s first-ever male-crypto/fascist pairing

farage nazi

In a surprise announcement last night, a spokesperson for the popular ballroom dancing-based TV show, Strictly Come Dancing, announced that controversial Brexit architect, Nigel Farage, will be joining the list of celeb competitors and will be paired with one of the male dancers in what will be the show’s first-ever male/crypto-fascist pairing.

In a statement released last night, the show’s producers revealed: “We are all about diversity and acceptance and are therefore delighted to welcome Nigel to the show and look forward to seeing the extreme right-wing, headbanger showing audiences what he can do, beyond convincing intellectually-challenged people to vote for a measure that will effectively chop the country’s balls off in an act of fiscal and cultural suicide”.

It is understood that the production company also approached reviled, hate-peddler, Katie Hopkins, with an offer to appear on the show but rowed back when she demanded the right to call for the machine-gunning of dinghies containing immigrants in the English Channel during interviews with Claudia Winkleman after each stint under the iconic glitterball.

A delighted Farage spoke briefly to newsmen from outside his home last night: “I’m really looking forward to joining the show this autumn. I’ve always fancied myself as a bit of a racially pure, Anglo-Saxon Fred Astaire” he said.

“However, if my partner tries to lead off at the start of our performance, I certainly won’t hesitate to take back control”, he chuckled.

It is understood that Farage’s contract contains a stipulation that he will not perform any dances with European connotations like The Viennese Waltz, nor any that give credence to a racially tolerant philosophy like, The Black Bottom.

Strictly’s Len Goodman to be brought down in a controlled explosion


It was announced yesterday that Strictly Come Dancing legend, Len Goodman, will be brought down in a controlled explosion on the 23rd of December this year.

Goodman, 116, has become increasingly unsteady in recent years, and structural engineers have expressed concern that the ex- Strictly judge and former dancer could topple over at any time, causing damage to people in his vicinity.

Demolition experts will attach explosives to one of Goodman’s legs, the plan being to blow it off at the knee, causing his body to fall harmlessly to one side onto a piece of waste ground close to his birthplace in Bethnal Green, East London.

A close friend said last night: “It’s what Len would have wanted, in all honesty.

“He’s asked for his Strictly tuxedo to be auctioned off for charity and for there to be a special Argentinian tango night at the York Hall to commemorate his passing”.

Former Strictly colleague, Craig Revel Horwood, told newsmen last night: “It’s not before time, darling. I absolutely hated the old bastard”


No overtly effeminate men or hard-faced bitch queens were hurt during the writing of this article – Ed


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It’s a little-known fact that President Donald Trump, by his own admission, was a gifted and nimble-footed ballroom dancer, who, had his career not been tragically cut short by a bone-spur flare-up, would have gone on to reach unprecedented heights in the discipline, resulting in his being named as Time magazine’s Man Of The Year for a record 40 years in succession and then for a further half-century following his death.

It’s a sobering thought that a man who would gladly race into a besieged high school and take out a crazed gunman without a thought for his own mortality could also have achieved a perfect ’10’ from Len Goodman following an inspired paso doble at The Whitechapel Palais de Dance – Ed

Storm as Trump appoints Strictly’s Len Goodman to Supreme Court

The judge they dread. Len pictured giving an invalid 10 years for limping in public yesterday

There was a growing sense of disquiet amongst liberal Americans last night as President Trump announced that he was nominating, former Strictly Come Dancing judge, Len Goodman, for a place on The United States Supreme Court.

Hardliner, Goodman, is an outspoken opponent of gay rights and abortion who famously dubbed fellow judge, Bruno Tonioli, ‘a light-footed bum bandit’ after the openly gay Italian had given, hunky contestant, Ben Cohen, a 10 following a flawed Argentinian tango.

Goodman also came under fire from feminists in 2010 when he told Darcey Bussell to, ‘shut up and get on with the ironing’ when she disagreed with his decision to send Ann Widdecombe packing following a shambolic display in the dance off against Paul Daniels.

Trump’s decision will be strongly criticised by liberal Republicans and Democrats alike, although many will be breathing a sigh of relief that he didn’t nominate, extreme right-winger, Craig Revell Horwood, who has frequently attracted criticism for his outspoken views on human rights and his calls for Strictly judges to be given dispensation to open fire on contestants who repeatedly fail to keep their shoulders back during the Viennese Waltz.

BBC agrees to allow partially penetrative sex on Strictly Come Dancing


Strictly no-cum dancing. A male contestant pictured getting a bit of leg before the off on last night’s show


BBC bosses announced last night that recent calls for partially penetrative sex to be permitted on Strictly Come Dancing will be given the green light in the run-up to the final in December

In a brief statement issued last night, the Beeb said: “Male contestants will be allowed to have sex with their female partners during performances as long as they don’t push their cocks right in.

“Any couples who flout this directive and start going at it full pelt will be deducted points and will be automatically consigned to the dance-off”

The controversial decision comes just 2 weeks after BBC bosses agreed to allow female newsreaders to be back- scuttled over the desk by weathermen during the 6 o’clock bulletins on weeknights.

Strictly viewers left stunned as Craig Revel Horwood bums blow-up Len Goodman doll on live TV



Audience members give a guarded reaction to Horwood’s performance


Live TV viewers and the studio audience at the Strictly Come Dancing season opener on Saturday night were left stunned when pantomime villain judge, Craig Revel Horwood, inflated a life-size doll of former Strictly judge, Len Goodman, and begin bumming it vigorously on the desk halfway through the show.

Debutant judge, Shirley Ballas, became visibly furious at one point and tried to pull Horwood off, but fellow judge, Darcy Bussel, intervened and told her to “leave it” and  assured her that he’d, “calm down after he’s shot his bolt”

A spokesperson for the BBC said last night: “We don’t encourage this sort of thing as a rule but we’re going to put it down to first show nerves and the fact that Craig is clearly missing his old friend and judging stalwart.”

It is understood that Horwood’s fellow judges will be given air guns on next week’s show so that they can pop the doll if Horwood tries to shag it again live on air.

My new life as a seal pup is going swimmingly says Strictly’s Len Goodman

len goodman baby seal

In an exclusive interview with The Whitechapel Whelk, former Strictly Come Dancing judge, Len Goodman, has told us, that since leaving the show after 48 years, he has become a seal pup and his life has never been happier.

Len, 138, spoke to us from his new home on an ice floe off the coast of Newfoundland: “After I left Strictly, there was a huge void in my life. I started moping around the house and the wife was getting really fed up with having me under her feet all day.

“Then, I hit upon the idea of becoming a seal pup and, I have to say, it was the best decision I’ve ever made.

“These days I just mooch around on the ice or take the occasional dip in the sea. It’s pretty chilly mind you and my adopted mum has to help shove me back up onto the ice again, but it’s a good healthy life and at least I don’t have to listen to Craig Revel Horwood’s whining or have Bruno Tonioli leaping up and down in the seat next to me like a chimpanzee with a red-hot poker up it’s arse.

“I quite liked Darcey Bussell though and would definitely have given her a seeing-to if the opportunity had presented itself.

“The only concern I have these days is about seal hunters. They sometimes show up looking for quarry, so me and my mum make ourselves scarce behind a rock,or else we just dive into the sea until they’ve gone. I’ve never been much of a one for clubbing anyway.”

Len’s revelations come just a week after the former leader of the right-wing, United Kingdom Independence Party, Nigel Farage, told reporters that he’s now living in a remote jungle in Sumatra as a gibbon, and spends his days grooming, squabbling and mating with lots of other monkeys.

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