The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888



Syrian villagers send sympathy message to Brits unable to go on holiday.

A Bermondsey man comforts a distraught neighbour who has just learned that Torremolinos has been moved into the red zone.

A remote village in war-torn Syria has sent a message of support and sympathy to the people of Great Britain who find themselves unable to enjoy a fortnight’s holiday on a sunny beach this year due to the covid-19 health emergency.

Asawi al Hab, a small village on the border with Lebanon, has been shelled and attacked by government forces, backed by Russian airpower, five times during the last six months, killing or injuring more than half of the population.

Speaking to our foreign correspondent, a doctor in a local hospital, said: “It’s been pretty terrible here for a number of years now.

“Until fairly recently, we were under the brutal rule of Islamic State, and then after they were driven out, our own government started bombing us. It’s hard to say what was worse really.

“So when we heard through the BBC World Service that a number of British people wouldn’t be able to jet off to Benidorm and places like that, we couldn’t just stand by and do nothing.

“Our mayor has written to the British Foreign Secretary, asking him to put Portugal back in the green zone and for countries like Malta, who have a very low infection rate, to be considered for the green list also.

“We are also offering free accommodation for any Brits who want to spend a week or two in our country.

“Of course, there’s a pretty good chance you’ll be shelled on a daily basis by Assad’s forces or strafed by Russian fighter jets but at least the weather’s good at this time of year and you’ll go home with a healthy tan, if you manage to make it back that is”

A spokesman for The Foreign and Commonwealth Office told us: “We don’t recommend a holiday in Syria at this time, unless you’re pretty elderly or have an underlying health condition which could result in your body being amongst those piled high in the streets during the third wave”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Get a fucking grip you selfish Brit bastards.

Chemical Inspectors to be allowed into Douma ‘after cleaning ladies have a had a little tidy round’ say Syria


In need of a flick round with a duster. Douma yesterday afternoon


The team of chemical weapons inspectors who have been waiting for 3 days in Syria to be allowed into the area where a suspected chlorine gas and nerve agent attack took place have been told that they will be allowed in after a small team of cleaning ladies have had a bit of a tidy up.

A spokesman for the Syrian government issued a brief statement last night: “We couldn’t allow the inspectors in with the place in such a mess. There was debris and bodies everywhere.

“Apart from being a complete eyesore, it was a health and safety issue. We didn’t want to risk having an inspector stubbing his toe on a piece of building rubble or tripping over a dead kiddy,

“No, it’s far better that Mrs Klitsenko and her little team of cleaners have a bit of a tidy round first”

In other related news, one of the inspection team was killed last night when he fell from his hotel balcony into a drum containing radioactive waste.

A Syrian government spokesman said last night: “I expect he’d had too much to drink or something like that”

Local man finds comfort in realisation that mother-in-law will perish in any forthcoming nuclear winter

nuclear winter

A 53-year-old Whitechapel man is gaining solace from the fact that his mother-in-law will almost certainly be killed during any nuclear exchange between the Western allies and Russia in the forthcoming weeks.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver from Vallance Road, told The Whelk: “Over the last few days, I’ve been getting more and more worried about the third world war breaking out over this Syria business”.

“I’ve cancelled my subscription to Gardening Monthly and have taken all my library books back in case we’re all turned into negatives before I have the chance.

“I’ve even started binge-watching all the shows I’ve recorded on my Sky TV box and have cancelled the milk and newspaper deliveries until further notice.

“The only thing that’s keeping my spirits up is the thought that the wife’s mother will be completely wiped out along with the rest of us when the Russkies nuke Whitechapel.

“I feel a bit guilty, but I deliberately left a fanlight open in her bathroom last night to make sure the deadly radioactive waves can get in ok”

In other related news, President Trump told newsmen at a press conference last night that a tactical strike against Syria “may come very soon, not very soon, soonish, or next Tuesday at 19.00 EST.”

It is thought that the President is taking into account various factors, such as the positioning of the American battle fleet and the opinion of the weather girl on Fox and Friends.

I’ll prevent World War III by deflecting US missiles with my big face says defiant Olly Murs

olly meme

Pop icon, Olly Murs, roared out a defiant message to the Trump presidency last night as he vowed to avert the threat of a third world war by using his gigantic face to block any American missiles fired at targets in Syria in reprisal for the rogue state’s chemical weapons attack on the rebel-held enclave of Douma last week.

Murs told reporters: “I’ve no time for President Assad or his Russian backers in this war on his own people but at the same time I can’t run the risk of a third world war breaking out against the Russkies so I’ve decided to use my massive face to shield Syria from any American or British missile strikes.

“Basically, I’m going to stand on the beach in Syria and jump up and block any missiles that I see heading inland with my big face.

“It’ll be a bit like going up for a header in one of those charity footie matches I play in with Robbie Williams”

Syrian President, Bashar al-Assad expressed his gratitude to the Dance With Me star last night: “It’s brilliant news that Olly will be using his huge dial to block any American missiles heading our way.

“I’ve never been a big fan in the past, but now, both myself and Mr Putin will be asking our respective citizens to go out and buy one of his albums. On pain of death”

In other news, showbiz entrepreneur, Simon Cowell, has offered to catch any Russian missiles heading to England in a pair of his ridiculous, enormous high-waisted, trousers.

Aid agencies hope to bring sexual abuse to beleaguered Syrian town within days


eastern ghouta
Victims. In the name of Allah, stop this obscenity!


According to reports, aid workers are hoping to get the opportunity to sexually abuse vulnerable people in the beleaguered Syrian town of Eastern Ghouta within the next few days during a scheduled brief ceasefire period.

One prominent aid agency spokesman said “What is taking place is horrific and a terrible stain on humanity.

“Innocent victims, including many woman and young children, are living in constant fear of being killed in an airstrike, while starvation is also a very real prospect for many.

“Time is very much of the essence, so the sooner we can get in amongst them and begin trading aid for sexual favours the better.

“Most of the menfolk will have already been killed in the fighting on the outskirts of the town, so we should be absolutely quids-in, to be honest.

“I know many of our workers are extremely eager to get in there and fill their boots in exchange for a few packets of high-energy biscuits or a bottle or two of mineral water”

Despite the desperate circumstances, a resistance fighter inside the town reacted cautiously to the news last night.

In a text message to the Save The Children organisation he said “Thanks very much but if it’s all the same to you, we’ll take our chances with the barrel bombs”

If you’re an aid worker and have been complicit in the recent sex for aid scandal please leave your name and address with the newsdesk and someone will pop round to see you before you can say, “Red Cross Ambulance” – Ed

Trump may send United Airlines ‘death squads’ into Syria hotspots say White House.


united airlines
A small troop of highly trained United Airlines cabin crew pictured shortly before handing out snacks and hot towels on the 22.00 Boston to Memphis flight last night


from our war and mincing trolley dolly correspondent, Danny SoZ

White House spokesman, Sean Spicer, drew gasps from newsmen at a press briefing last night as he dropped the bombshell that crack, so-called death squads, of United Airlines cabin crew may be deployed in Syria to wreak havoc in ISIS-held strongholds and to degrade Syrian dictator, Bashar al-Assad’s air strike capability where necessary.

“We realise that this move may be seen as excessive by some in the international community”, Spicer said, “But the president feels that it’s time to take the gloves off when dealing with some of these bad guys.

“Maybe if United Airlines had been around during World War II, Hitler could have been defeated a whole lot sooner. He wasn’t such a bad guy by the way”

Great Britain, last night came out in wholehearted support of the move.

Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, told The House of Commons in a late night emergency sitting: “We stand shoulder to shoulder with our American allies, and if called upon, we won’t hesitate to send in detachments of surly Easyjet check-in staff to provide additional firepower and brow-beating bully boy tactics if needed”

‘Grieving’ Trump to play golf for 2 weeks in honour of Syrian gas attack victims.

The Trump International Golf Links Course Opens

 White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, last night told a press briefing that President Trump was so outraged by yesterday’s gas attack on civilians by Syrian government forces he has taken the decision to abandon his official duties for 2 weeks so that he can dedicate the time to playing golf in Mar A Lago in Palm Beach as a mark of respect for the dead.

“The President was so upset and angry when he heard the news,” Spicer said. “He told me right there and then that he’d ordered Airforce One to be fuelled and made ready for a golfing trip to Palm Beach where he told me that he intends to play for 2 weeks solid – stopping only to eat, drink and sleep – in honour of those who lost their lives. He is truly grieving right now and  feels that it’s the least he can do”

In other news, vice president, Mike Pence, has told a press conference that wounded victims of the attack will be offered treatment in American hospitals, if they can afford it, or if they have United States medical insurance and can prove they’re not terrorists.

Local Woman Forced To Wage Jihad In Syria Following Misleading Online Holiday Review

isis holiday pic

“Last one in the pool’s an infidel hyena!”

From our summer breaks with Allah correspondent, Danny SoZ

Following the exposure in the media of the recent spate of spurious holiday reviews online, a 59-year-old widow from Whitechapel has revealed that she was held captive for 8 months in Syria by Islamic State fighters and made to engage in bitter hand to hand conflict with Kurdish forces after being duped into travelling to the region by a bogus review she found on the Trip Advisor website.

Mrs Mary Dell, a housewife and mother of nine, finally escaped her captors by concealing herself on board a jeep bound for the town of Al-Bab from where she then made a 30-mile trek on foot across the Turkish border.

Speaking from the Turkish capital, Istanbul, where she’s waiting for a flight back to Britain, Mrs Dell told reporters:

“I was going through the holiday websites looking for a nice relaxing spot to spend a fortnight during the half-term holiday period and spotted a review for a lovely looking hotel in what was described as “a quiet, idyllic spot, ideal for singles, honeymooners and couples wanting a relaxing break away from it all” The reviewer had given it 5 stars in every criteria so I made all the arrangements and flew out 6 weeks later.

“However, no sooner had I left the airport than I was grabbed by two men, one of whom put a hood over my head and stuck a pistol under my ribs. I was then bundled into the back of a car and driven away. The next thing I knew, I was in a jihadist training camp where I spent two months learning how to handle small arms and rocket-propelled grenade launchers. It was the last thing I expected I don’t mind telling you.

“Eventually, after my training was complete, I was sent to the outskirts of Aleppo, where I was caught up in bitter fighting with Kurdish troops who were trying to drive us back from the city centre. Fortunately for me, I was wounded in the shoulder and taken back to our base from where I made my escape a week or so later. I’ll never trust these online holiday reviews again as long as I live!”

When asked if she’d been coerced into becoming a jihadi bride or subjected to sexual assaults of any description, Mrs Dell became agitated and swore at reporters, saying “Not even so much as a polite bloody handshake! It’s Magaluf and the odd Spanish waiter for me next year I don’t mind telling you!”

20,000 Syrian Refugees to be Housed on Olly Murs’s Big Face

olly meme
Murs pictured in determined mood last night


British pop icon, Olly Murs, announced last night that he will house 20,000 Syrian refugees from the besieged town of Aleppo on his enormous face over the next 6 months. It is believed that they will be offered temporary accommodation on various parts of Murs’s face, with the majority being housed on his gigantic, spam forehead.

Murs himself was unavailable for comment last night, but his mother, Enid, 97, told reporters: “Olly has always had a strong social conscience, so when he read about the plight of these poor souls he immediately offered to use his absolutely massive dial to give some of them a safe haven until they can find somewhere more permanent. His father and I are so proud of him. We both knew that his gigantic fizog would come in handy one day”

This news comes hot on the heels of the announcement by BBC London FM presenter, Vanessa Feltz, that she is having a 10,000-bed temporary hospital for Yemeni refugees built on one of the cheeks of her enormous arse.

In other news, the temporary, stand-in leader of the far-right United Kingdom Independence Party, Nigel Farage, has announced that he’ll be staging a 5000 strong “Send Them All Back” rally at the southern port of Dover inside his great big mouth.

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