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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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tabloid journalism

Pilchard Spittlejohn: The Extreme Right-Wing Journo They Can’t Gag

Pilchard Spittlejohn1

Have you heard the latest? Apparently, this country’s population will have grown by over 100 million by Christmas Eve and that’s no exaggeration. 

The latest figures – and I’ve just this minute written them down and have them right here in front of me – indicate, that by the time you’re unwrapping the socks and jumper from Auntie Maude, there will be an extremely good chance that the people next door will be ignoring Christmas completely due to the fact that they’re black Muslims from Romania or somewhere similar. 

No wonder this great country’s going to hell in a handcart. I mean to say, you just couldn’t make it up could you?

I’ll tell you something else you couldn’t make up and that’s the Scottish. Did you know that 99.9% of Scots want to kill and eat an Englishman, and that’s despite the fact that we allow them to live on the same piece of rock as us. 

If I had my way, I’d get a giant buzz saw and make a bloody great cut just this side of Hadrian’s Wall and watch the buggers float off towards Iceland. Scots eh? You couldn’t make them up if you tried could you? They can all go to hell in a handcart as far as I’m concerned.

I was talking to my old friends, Nigel Farage and Marie Le Pen down the pub the other day, and they’re firmly of the opinion that all the illegals, the non-whites, and people who live in council accommodation, should be rounded up and sent off to Syria to fight against Islamic State. 

They believe – as do I for that matter – that it will be character building for them and will free up space in the country for the decent, law-abiding, white people who made this country great – before it went to hell in a handcart.

As for our television programmes. I turned on the BBC the other day only to be confronted by a programme about a lost tribe in the Amazon jungle. Full of blacks it was. The only white face was the presenter’s, and even he looked as if he had a touch of the old tar brush about him. 

No wonder the BBC’s going to hell in a handcart. British Broadcasting Corporation? It’s more like the Black Bastards Club if you ask me. You couldn’t make it up half the time could you?

DISCLAIMER: Pilchard Spittlejohn is an entirely fictitious creation, and bears absolutely no resemblance to any extreme right-wing Fleet Steet hack either living or preferably dead, especially, Richard Littlejohn of The Express. No, that’s right out that is.

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Following 12 hours of dedicated research into finding a suitable photograph to accompany this headline, our pictures editor has called in sick this morning suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated at this time – Ed

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“Killer” Tram Driver Fell Asleep 3 Nights Before Disaster Claims London Woman

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Artist’s impression of how the killer driver may have looked just days before the tragic incident

The driver of the South London tram that careered from the rails two weeks ago, killing 7 and injuring 50 more, was under the spotlight last night as a female witness came forward, claiming that the man may have fallen asleep in bed just days before the tragic incident occurred.

Mrs Tracy Dell, 57, and the live-in partner of the killer driver, wept as she told us: “About 3 days before that terrible incident, we watched television together until about 10pm and then went to bed.

“It was while he was lying next to me that I noticed he was becoming drowsy. His eyes were definitely closed and he was breathing quite deeply.

“Realising that there was no time to lose, I quickly shook him hard by the shoulders, whereupon he started violently and stared at me in a quizzical manner.

“I felt shaken after that and spent the remainder of the night in the spare room in case he started nodding off again. I finished with him the following morning, knowing I could never trust him again”

This shock revelation comes just days after one of the murderous driver’s children claimed to have seen the man having a glass of sherry with his Christmas dinner in 1997.

Mrs Dell has requested that her entire fee for this interview be placed in her bank account without delay.

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