Whitechapel kids to be forced to run around outside with new devices on Xmas morning

Whitechapel children pictured queuing outside PC World last night

In a bid to resurrect the Christmas tradition of yesteryear, when hordes of excited youngsters would be seen in the streets, early on Christmas morning, excitedly riding gleaming new bicycles or operating battery-controlled cars etc, the London Borough of Tower Hamlets has ordered all children under the age of 13 to run around outside, configuring and then deploying their new electronic devices, whether it be a smartphone, a tablet or a small laptop.

A spokesman for the council told BBC London Tonight: “We all miss seeing the excited faces of kids trying out their new gifts on Christmas morning whether it be a new bike or a gleaming set of roller skates.

“Sadly, with the advent of electronic devices, this has become largely a thing of the past as youngsters these days unwrap their new phone or tablet and then disappear into their bedrooms for days on end, emerging from time to time to pick at their food before returning to their rooms once more.

“We have therefore decided to force any child in receipt of an electronic device to run around the streets, doing their texting, Facetiming, or gaming until they are called in for their Christmas dinner when all devices will be confiscated until they’ve wolfed down the last morsel of Christmas pudding with brandy butter or similar.”

We spoke to a number of youngsters in the Whitechapel area who expressed dismay at the ruling, including young Toby Dell III, aged ten, who told us: “This ruling is an absolute joke.

“For one thing, it will be really cold outside, and for another, the local gang members will steal our phones and use them to organise drug deals before throwing them into the Thames”

In other related news, the South London district of Bermondsey has called upon locals to recreate the much-loved, bygone Yuletide practice of violent brawling with knives and life-preservers between family members as the drink once again starts flowing after the post-Xmas dinner nap.

God blocks Facebook with ‘Great Flood’ of dinner pics

Image result for angry god
Oi, Facebookers!…NO! God pictured looking mightily pissed off last night

Social media giant, Facebook, last night confirmed that the global outage which rendered billions unable to access their timelines yesterday was caused by a torrent of pictures of people’s dinners posted by God to punish the platform for all the sinful content that has been allowed to flourish on the site in recent years.

Facebook troubleshooter, Toby Dell, 32, told newsmen last night: “The hand of God is definitely behind this one.

“One of our leading IT bods, who’s a regular churchgoer, told me that The Lord had clogged up the cyber tubes with dinner pics as a punishment for all the dodgy political content and softcore grumble pics of nude birds that have been appearing over the last year or two.

“He likens it to The Great Flood that The Lord visited upon earth in the olden days to wipe out the sinners

“We’ve poured hundreds of tons of drain cleaner into our systems in the hopes of unblocking the site in a day or two but we’re not promising anything”

Rival social media platforms are experiencing greatly increased traffic, however, with Twitter and Reddit reporting record usage, while the struggling Google + site announced that somebody had logged in around tea time yesterday and posted a picture of their nan and grandad getting married in Barnstable just after the war.

EDITOR’S NOTE: On the off-chance that anybody’s foolish enough to want to share this piece, could I ask you to refrain until after 10.00 am GMT? This is because it has been subbed to another magazine who give us cash money and whose editor gets royally pissed off if he doesn’t get exclusivity. Not as pissed off as God, but not far off. Thanks guys.

Classic literature and its part in our castigation

little house

Following the recent publication of a previous SIHOTP gag elsewhere, the editor of the magazine concerned received a number of complaints about poor taste and depravity, with one poor woman wailing that the piece had made her, “sick to my stomach”

So with this in mind, we have redoubled our efforts and will now be turning these out just as fast as we can come up with them.

We will, however, be offering readers a free bottle of Milk of Magnesia in the event of any stomach-related issues which may result. – Ed

Last man in Britain using internet dial-up dies during connection attempt

Did you ever get this far? No, nor did we.


The last man in Britain still using an internet dial-up connection has passed away peacefully at his home, still in the process of getting online after beginning his attempt in October 2004.

Toby Dell, 57, from Whitechapel in East London, steadfastly refused the chance to switch to cable, despite the fact that he was suffering from tinnitus due to the constant bleeps and whistles coming from his desktop computer, and hadn’t been able to receive any landline calls for 14 years while his dial-up attempt had been in progress.

His wife, Tracy, told us last night: “The whole family kept telling him to switch to broadband but he wouldn’t have it.

“I once saw him go without food and sleep for 72 hours while he waited for a picture of a woman with big tits to download in 2002.

“At least he’s at peace now and we can sell his Atari Pong 4 video game consul and throw out his record player with the wind-up handle on the side”

The world record for a dial-up attempt is held by an 85-year-old man in China who hanged himself in 2016 after waiting 19 years to get online, only to get a “connection failed” notice when the little blue bar was tantalisingly just days away from the end of its travel.

Tech News: New Apple smartwatch will alert you to people in the same room who have a wooden leg

Breakthrough: An Apple iWatch 5 pictured last night

The Apple Corporation yesterday unveiled their latest piece of innovative technology in the shape of the Apple iWatch 5, which will not only tell you the time of day with a fair degree of accuracy but will also alert you to the fact that somebody in the same room as yourself has a wooden leg.

Speaking at last night’s Apple Special Event from The Steve Jobs Centre, Apple CEO, Tim Cook, told a thousand-strong audience: “This device will change the way you look at people in the same room forever.

“Now, instead of wondering whether any of them has a wooden leg, this device will emit a series of beeps whenever anybody who is fitted with one comes within 3 metres of the wearer”

Apple hopes that the device will be a boon to wearers who smoke and can’t find anywhere to stub out their cigarettes or knock out their pipe.

Local man who switched off computer during updates knocked out by boxing glove on a spring

boxing glove on a spring

A 52-year-old Whitechapel man was knocked unconscious by a boxing glove on a spring that shot out of his PC monitor after he switched off the machine during a Windows update yesterday morning.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck quality control inspector, told us yesterday: “I switched on my computer as normal yesterday morning and spotted a notification asking me to restart the machine so that important updates could be installed.

“I went to my menu and clicked on ‘restart and update’ and went to make a cup of tea.

“When I got back, it had still only completed 15% of the update so I sat down to await completion of the process.

“Half an hour later, it had only reached 18%. I needed to get off to work so I decided to defy the message telling me not to switch off and held down the power button.

“It was then that a boxing glove on a spring shot out of the screen and punched me in the face.

“It packed a real punch and knocked me off my chair. I must have been unconscious for quite some time and only came round when my wife threw a bucket of water over me and began fanning me with a towel.

“I contacted the customer service department of PC World where I bought the machine but the woman on the phone told me to fuck off out of it.”

This latest incident comes just weeks after a 47-year-old woman from neighbouring Shadwell had her fingers broken when her laptop lid repeatedly slammed itself down on them as she tried to switch her machine to hibernation mode during a scheduled scan by Windows Defender.

Local woman’s stool splash-muffling device wins design award


A Splash-Away pictured at the inventor’s home last night


A 32-year-old Whitechapel woman who has invented a device that eliminates the embarrassing, telltale ‘splashdown’ noise when going to the toilet, has won a prestigious design award from The Royal Institute of Engineers.

Tracy Dell’s, Splash-Away¬†device has proved supremely popular, particularly with young women, keen to mask the fact that they’re having a bowel movement within earshot of their boyfriends.

The device, which resembles a large soup ladle, has already been snapped up in shops and online with over a million recorded sales during this year alone.

We spoke to Ms Dell at her home in Vallance Road last night who told us: “I got the idea for the Splash-Away after being taken short at my then boyfriend’s flat about two years ago.

“I’d just eaten a huge pie and mash supper and realised I needed a good clearout.

“I put some paper down to muffle the splashdown but the first rocket took it round the hidden bend. After that, it was like tipping a sack of spuds into a bucket.

“When I came out, he looked absolutely gutted and barely spoke to me for the rest of the evening. He broke up with me a day later.

“Hopefully, my Splash-Away will save other women from embarrassment when they’re straining the greens and will help keep relationships alive.”

Tracy will receive her award this Saturday at The York Hall Bethnal Green where it will be presented by morning TV show presenter, Lorainne Kelly, who is believed to be a big fan of the device.

Alexa is sending my partner saucy photos claims local woman


Brazen. Alexa striking a saucy pose for our snapper last night


A 19-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that her Alexa, virtual personal assistant, has been sending her boyfriend semi-pornographic photos of itself posing in a variety of different saucy outfits and engaging in acts of onanism.

Tracy Dell, a shop assistant from Leman Street, told us: “My boyfriend went to the pub the other night and left his phone on the table, so like any normal woman, I decided to go through it.

“I was absolutely mortified, not to mention heartbroken, when I found hundreds of pictures of this woman naked or posing in her undies in his photo gallery.

“As soon as he got home I confronted him with the evidence. After an awkward silence, he broke down and told me it was our Alexa Echo that was doing it.

“He told me that loads of people have been having trouble with the device lately and that it was a manufacturing glitch that was being looked at by Amazon.

“I can’t tell you how relieved I was and I just flung myself into his arms, apologising for being so stupid and so untrusting.

“Apparently, Alexa takes a virtual picture of people who enter the house and stores it in its memory. My boyfriend explained that that’s why all the pictures look exactly like my best friend, right down to the birthmark on her bottom”

This latest revelation comes after a man from Shoreditch explained to his fiance that his iPhone Siri had used mind-controlling rays to compel him to have sex with her mother in the bathroom while she was cooking dinner last Saturday night.

If you’ve tried fobbing off your girlfriend with this ludicrous excuse and she’s not having it, try telling her that the pics must have already been on the device when you bought it, despite the date and time ‘stamp’ and the fact that the pics are of her younger sis. It almost worked for me -Ed

Local man blames negative review of Windows 10 for bout of sickness and diarrhoea


Going viral: Windows 10 pictured trying to look all innocent last night


A 35-year-old man from Commercial Road has blamed a damning review he gave to Microsoft’s Windows 10 operating system for a 48-hour bout of vomiting and diarrhoea that he suffered shortly afterwards.

Toby Dell, a ceiling fixer, told The Whelk: “I was absolutely fine until a prompt appeared on my screen, asking me how likely it would be for me to recommend Windows 10 to a friend.

“I ticked the box marked, “Extremely Unlikely” and then, just 2 days later, I went down with this really bad stomach bug.

“If you ask me, Microsoft sent me a virus through my laptop as a punishment. The germs probably come out through the speakers or the USB port or something.

“Next time, I’m going to say that Windows 10 is great, even though it’s absolute shite. After all, it’s better safe than sorry at the end of the day”

In a similar incident in 1987, a Shoreditch man told his wife that he blamed the lukewarm feedback he gave to Microsoft about their Windows 3.1 operating system for the virulent bout of syphilis he was suffering from at the time.

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