Search

The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

Tag

television

ASK BBC TEST CARD GIRL: THE COMPLETELY INERT AGONY AUNT WITH A HEART

See the source image
I’m here to help *crackle, whirrr…pop!*

Dear BBC Test Card Girl.

I’m a 22-year-old woman who recently married the man of my dreams – or so I thought. The problem is; he keeps making excuses whenever I ask him to make love to me. He claims to be too tired after work during weekdays, and then at weekends, he feigns illness or makes out he’s hurt his back doing the gardening. He tells me constantly that he loves me and finds me attractive, so why won’t he give me the physical love I crave? I’d like to start a family at some point, but if his constant excuses at bedtime continue, I can’t ever see myself getting pregnant. On top of this, last week I found pictures of a naked man on his phone along with a series of explicit text messages sent by my husband to this person, describing in graphic detail what he’s going to do to him when they next meet. Do you think he could be gay? Please help me if you can, BBC Test Card Girl, as I’m at my wit’s end with worry and you’re my last hope.

Yours faithfully

Tracy Dell

London E2

**********************

Hiss…crackle…whistle…phutt…pop!

We apologise for this break in our transmission, our engineers are working on the problem. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible. In the meantime, here’s some music…

Some minutes later…

We are happy to announce that normal service can now be restored. We apologise for the fault and hope that your enjoyment has not been spoiled. And now…back to The Antiques Roadshow.

Yours Faithfully

BBC Test Card Girl

Television Centre

Shepherd’s Bush

London

Advertisements

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

Retro red television

©Entertainment News is an associate member of Trump Jail Time Productions Inc.

ARSE & ENTERTAINMENT

Retro red television

Not suitable for people who think Brexit will be the gateway to a land of sunny uplands and pink unicorns or the mentally sub-normal. Which amounts to pretty much the same thing really.

Dr Who to introduce paedophile Dalek in new Autumn series

dalek

Following on from yesterday’s announcement that a lesbian character is to be Dr Who’s new assistant, The Whitechapel Whelk has learned that the popular sci-fi children’s show will be introducing a controversial paedophile Dalek character in the next series of adventures beginning later this year.

The iconic robotic baddie will not only be hellbent on destroying Earth but will also harbour disturbing sexual thoughts towards young children.

A spokesperson for the show told us: “We realise this is groundbreaking and even controversial, but we think it’s important that we move with the times and represent a broad cross-section of society and if that means introducing a paedo Dalek then so be it.

“Of course, you won’t see it doing any actual paeding, it’ll be implied more than portrayed. The top bit with the eye sticking out will start spinning round rapidly, while the sink plunger bit that sticks out the front will start going up and down like the clappers when little kids are on the scene, that sort of thing.”

Dr Who fans have given a guarded reaction to the move. A spokesman for The Dr Who Appreciation League, said last night: “We’re all in favour of change and of keeping the storylines fresh and relevant but we feel it might be a bit soon to introduce child abuse into the plots.

“Perhaps they should work up to it gradually by having a couple of adult baby Cybermen wearing big nappies, or perhaps they could make The Master out to be one of those weirdos that gets off on drinking piss. A bit like Donald Trump.”

Editor’s Note: The Whitechapel Whelk abhors the abuse of children and fully supports the idea of castrating those who perpetrate it with a rusty bread knife, so anyone who thinks we are making light of a thoroughly distressing subject is missing the point entirely and will be instructed to fuck off in very short order indeed. Have a nice day.

The Whelk’s TV Choice #682

television

TCM 10.35: The Bushwhackers of Arizona.
Harrowing documentary which follows a group of naked Tuscon housewives who run amok in the streets, hitting each other on the genitals.
WARNING: Not suitable for Pope Francis, or his wife come to that

The Whelk’s TV Choice.

television

Film 4. 11.30: A Farewell To Arms

Comedy thriller in which a hapless factory worker reaches inside a giant meat-grinding machine to retrieve his watch with hilarious results. Not starring Donald Trump, sadly.

WARNING: Contains traces of mangled flesh and some bits of bone too I shouldn’t wonder.

Clivey & Gaz in: ‘Mutt and Jeff’

clive with gaz adams family
The scene is the public bar of The Blind Beggar public house in Whitechapel, East London. Clivey is at a corner table, sipping his pint. He appears to be in pensive mood when his old friend, Gaz, enters and greets him warmly

“Wotcha, Clivey”
“Alright, Gaz, me old mate?”
“Sweet as a nut pal. I was just on me way to get me ears syringed as it goes. What’s happening bruv?”
“Ears syringed bruv? Are you going mutt and jeff in your old age?”
“Pardon?
“Never mind bruv. In answer to your question, I’m thinking of buying a Saxophone, Gaz”
“Oh yeah? What’s all that about then?”
“It’s like this Gaz. I was in the garden shed the other day, when…”
“Did the old woman lock you out again son?”
“Yeah, she did as it ‘appens. I forgot the gravy powder”
“That’s a pretty harsh reaction mate. After all, you’re only human”
“That’s what I said, mate. It was then that she threw the skillet at me”
“You must have had a lot on your mind to forget the gravy like that. I mean, it’s not like you’d been drinking is it?”
“Absolutely bruv! I’d only had the 6 pints!”
“That woman’s a tyrant son. She don’t deserve you bruv. Anyway, about this bag of phones you’re going to buy”
“What?”
“The bag of phones you mentioned. Are you going to sell them?”
“I said, I wanted to buy, a Saxophone, Gaz”
“Yeah, I know. I’m just wondering, what you’re going to do with ’em. Try Whitechapel market. They’re always knocking out moody phones down there bruv.”
“I worry about you sometimes son”
“That’s nice of you mate. Fancy another pint?
“Yeah, sod it. You only live once sheriff. I’ll have a pint of Best.”
“Off for a rest? Fair enough bruv, I’ll have yours then. I’ll catch you later then squire”

Clivey & Gaz will shortly be appearing at Donald Trump’s impeachment ceremony at Shoreditch Working Men’s Club.

The Whelk’s TV Choice

television

22.00 Sky Cinema: Gone in 60 Seconds – Action movie starring roly-poly BBC London presenter Vanessa Feltz. Features the iconic scene which gives the movie its title when she sits down to 3 plates of large cod and chips in a cafe in East Ham

17.00 TCM: Along The Great Divide – Documentary which chronicles the hazardous journey made by a team of intrepid East London explorers as they trek for 3 days between the cheeks of Vanessa Feltz’s arse. WARNING: Contains strong winds and a great deal of wobbling.

21.00 Film 4: He’s Just Not That Into You – Documentary. A woman struggles to come to terms with her husband’s erectile dysfunction issues

 19.30 BBC 4: Tough Young Teachers. – Documentary featuring a remote tribe of cannibals from Papua New Guinea who complain about the recent quality of the meat following a number of raids on missionary schools

 18.15 Eurosport 1: Getting Ready For Roland Garos – A film crew spend a few hours with Mrs Garos as she gets her husband’s tea ready and puts on a clean frock prior to him getting in from work.

The Whelk’s TV Choice #437

television

SKY MOVIES SELECT. 19.30 – As Good As It Gets.

Comedy drama which sees Donald Trump getting run over by a steamroller driven by Simon Cowell which then explodes a few metres further down the road alongside a bus stop where Justin Bieber and Nigel Farage are waiting for a No. 2 to Hackney Town Hall.

WARNING: Contains small fragments of irritating arseoles and loud gales of laughter.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑