The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888



Half-price inflatable dolls to be given to transport sex pests during lockdown

blow up
A blow-up dolly from the olden days pictured last night

The government last night announced that men who molest women on the nation’s transport network are to be provided with inflatable sex dolls at half the normal retail price to counter the downturn in opportunities to grope women in crowded trains, buses, and tube carriages during the current emergency lockdown.

In a short statement to the House of Commons last night, Transport Secretary, Grant Shapps, said: “These are tough times for all of us. A time when we need to provide for all sections of society to ensure that disruption and upset is kept to an absolute minimum where possible.

“So with this in mind, the government has made the decision to provide Britain’s sex cases with synthetic substitutes for their unwanted advances in the shape of these blow-up dollies that they can then paw and maul at home during periods of self-isolation and lockdown.

“Only one doll will be issued to each beast, so any saddos who like to multi-molest females will have to order further additions to their latex victims collection independently through the usual channels of softcore grumble mags, adult TV stations, The Daily Star, etc”

The move met with a mixed reaction from MPs last night with one Labour MP calling it, ‘pandering to the lowest in society’, while a Tory backbencher widely welcomed the move and asked if there would be any further concessions made for the elderly

Uber drivers must provide evidence of poor vehicle control and long history of sex-offending say TFL


uber driver crash
Uber drivers stop for a short break near Waltham Forest


Transport For London has advised the app-based private hire company, Uber, that if they want their operator’s licence to be restored they must ensure that all their drivers are woefully ill-equipped to negotiate London’s streets and have a lamentable history of sex offending going back at least 10 years.

A TFL spokesman said last night “Unless Uber can meet our specific criteria their licence will continue to be withheld.

“It is essential that London’s travelling public are aware that they stand a fairly high chance of being sexually harassed or abused during their trip, or, at the very least, that they will be taken on a magical mystery tour, ending up in a collision with another vehicle, miles from their destination and with a plastic bottle of the driver’s piss rolling around at their feet.

Uber has responded positively to the directive by taking on a number of disgraced actors and sexually insane members of parliament.

1 in 5 travellers on the London Underground want to kick fellow passengers up the arse, claims survey


Travellers on The Picadilly Line pictured fantasising about booting each other up the arse last night


from our Travel and Bruised Buttocks Editor, Danny SoZ

A recent survey by Transport For London has revealed that 1 in 5 travellers on the tube would like nothing better than to kick a fellow passenger up the arse as they are alighting from the carriage onto the platform.

The survey was conducted among 20,000 travellers on the District Line from Victoria to Whitechapel and included all ages, genders and ethnicities, although the findings indicated that white women aged between 23 and 50 were the demographic who harboured the desire the most.

One woman we spoke to, Tracy Dell, 30, a pharmacist from Shoreditch told us: “Whenever the train stops at a station and I see people getting off I start to fantasise about how brilliant it would be to boot one or two up the arse just before the door closes.

“I think it would be the startled look on their faces that would please me the most. That and the way they’d clutch at their arses seconds after I’ve given them the shoeing”.

In 2003, a similar survey by Southern Rail revealed that 90 percent of passengers would like to knee the company’s CEO in the groin as retribution for constant delays at London Bridge and Paddington.

The remaining 10 percent said they would gladly fork out a healthy subscription to watch his public hanging and subsequent disembowelment on pay-per-view television.

Local Muslim Man Thrown Off Bus for Blinking in a Suspicious Manner


A London bus pictured in the olden days with no Muslims on it.


A 45-year-old Muslim from East London was ejected from a bus yesterday after fellow passengers reported him to the driver for blinking in a suspicious manner.

Muhammad al-Grahadi, an insurance loss adjuster from Whitechapel, told us last night: “I was absolutely gob-smacked when the driver asked me to get off the bus. He told me I had been blinking in a shifty and threatening manner and that I was upsetting the other passengers.

“I offered to close my eyes for the rest of the journey, but he was adamant and told me to get off or he’d call the police. I ended up getting in an hour late and missing the start of Coronation Street”

This latest incident comes just 3 days after an Iranian-born woman from nearby Shoreditch was tasered repeatedly on the concourse at Victoria Station after police officers claimed to have mistaken her umbrella for a rocket-propelled grenade launcher.

Joanna Lumley proposes Thames ‘Allotment Ferry’

joanna lumley allotment barge meme


Actress, Joanna Lumley, has announced plans to finance an ‘allotment ferry’ to cross The Thames at East London using taxpayer’s money it was revealed last night.

Lumley, 95, whose controversial Thames Garden Bridge project has attracted much criticism from Londoners – most of whom feel that the £170 million budget for the bridge could be far more wisely spent elsewhere – spoke excitedly to The Whitechapel Whelk last night:

“I know many people think The Garden Bridge is an expensive folly, designed solely for skinny latte-sucking toffs; and to a large extent, it is. This is why I’m proposing an allotment ferry. It will give the poor and underprivileged of the East End a chance to grow foodstuffs as they make the crossing from one side of the river to the other. They could then use the produce to feed their large families, or they could open market stalls and sell it to buy drink and cigarettes.

“We plan to commission one of the old barges that are currently anchored in and around the dockland area, fill it with soil and divide it up into plots. These will then be rented out to poor people for £5.00 per week. They will then be able to grow potatoes, beetroot and other staples while sailing back and forth across the river to visit relatives or commit crimes etc. The money we raise will be used to buy fertiliser which can then be used on the garden bridge. It’s a win/win situation sweetie.”

We spoke to a number of East Londoners last night, most of whom were less than enthusiastic when told of the plan. One man asked us if we were “having a f*****g laugh” while a young woman we spoke to said, “A fiver a week? You could get a pie and mash for that”

It is our understanding that Mayor Boris Johnson, along with Transport For London, have thrown their support behind the project as long as the money comes from the public purse and that the cost of fishing out the bodies of any drowned East Londoners will be borne by the family and friends of the deceased.

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