The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888


The Amazon

BREAKING: Amazon rain forest to be replanted on Olly Murs’ big face

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The fire-ravaged Amazon rain forest is to be replanted on the enormous face of British pop icon, Olly Murs, it was announced last night.

A spokesman for the Brazilian government told a news conference in the capital, Brazilia: “We’ve decided to leave the present rain forest to burn and plant a new one on Olly Murs’s big face.

“We’ve spoken to Olly and he’s agreed to lie down alongside the old rain forest while a team of tree-planters move in and plant millions of saplings on his face.

“We estimate that by 2040, we’ll have at least three million square kilometres of new trees on his massive forehead with another two million or so on his chin.

“We’re going to leave the area around his eyebrows and that bit under his nose so that monkeys don’t cause him discomfort by having a shit in his eyes and mouth”

If successful, this project will rank as the most ambitious ecological rescue act since The Great Barrier Reef was protected from further pollution damage in 2012 by being completely covered with a pair of Simon Cowell’s gigantic, high-waisted trousers.

Letterz to The Editor

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Dear Whitechapel Whelk

Explorers. Recreate the shrill, deafening cries of the Amazonian Howler Monkeys that you encountered on your last expedition by walking into a feminist’s workshop with a copy of Big ‘n’ Bouncy tucked under your arm. To increase the volume, slap one of them across the arse and tell her to stick the kettle on.

Teddy Livingstone


More uncalled-for misogyny in just a few moments…


Dear Whitechapel Whelk

In their smash hit single, Barbie Girl, the bald one out of Aqua says: “Life in plastic, it’s fantastic” However, I strongly disagree as I foolishly listened to this false promise and climbed into a black bin liner and lay down in the back garden, waiting for my life to improve.

Unfortunately, it was a Wednesday which is the day the bin men collect the rubbish and I was thrown into the back of the dustcart and killed instantly in the crusher.

Once again it’s a case of privileged, overpaid pop stars flying directly in the face of the health and safety regulations while poor old Joe Public has to suffer the consequences.

Toby Stretchmarks

Republic Of Ireland

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