The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888


the arts


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It’s a little-known fact that President Donald Trump, by his own admission, was a gifted and nimble-footed ballroom dancer, who, had his career not been tragically cut short by a bone-spur flare-up, would have gone on to reach unprecedented heights in the discipline, resulting in his being named as Time magazine’s Man Of The Year for a record 40 years in succession and then for a further half-century following his death.

It’s a sobering thought that a man who would gladly race into a besieged high school and take out a crazed gunman without a thought for his own mortality could also have achieved a perfect ’10’ from Len Goodman following an inspired paso doble at The Whitechapel Palais de Dance – Ed

ITV viewer hospitalised following arts programme trauma


You too eh, sweetheart?

A 34-year-old woman from Whitechapel in East London was recovering in hospital last night after being admitted on Saturday evening suffering from shock brought on by accidentally watching the opening few minutes of a programme about art on ITV.

According to friends, Tracy Dell, a married mother of 2, has always been an avid ITV viewer and a huge fan of the channel’s traditional Saturday night game and talent show output, and it is believed that sudden exposure to a highbrow topic may have caused confusion and distress which led to her subsequent collapse.

Her husband, Toby, 38, told Dafty News: “Tracy loves her Saturday night ITV viewing. She packs the kids off to bed at 6.00 and settles down with a 6-pack of Skol Super and a family carton of Doritos to watch hours of game shows and talent contests.

“Then right out of the blue, this art programme came on. There was no warning or anything. Before I could grab the remote, Tracy had already been exposed to well over 2 minutes of pre-Raphaelite paintings and a short introduction to the work of the impressionist, Marc Chagall.

“It was too much for her and she went down like a sack of spuds. We’re now thinking of suing somebody. Probably the council or the shop that sold us the telly. It’s bang out of order subjecting innocent people to this sort of thing”.

A hospital spokesperson said last night: “Mrs Dell is comfortable and stable. At present, she’s suffering from post-traumatic shock, and as part of her treatment has been sent to the TV room with some beer and snacks to watch a box set of the first series of Geordie Shore”

In 2011, a woman from neighbouring Bow entered a permanent vegetative state after a remote control blunder from her husband exposed her to the opening 5 minutes of a BBC documentary looking at the influence African art had on the work of the early Cubists instead of Britain’s Got Talent.

For the uninitiated, ITV is aimed at the knuckle-dragging end of the British viewing spectrum. People who struggle to walk and talk at the same time, that sort of thing. Think Trump supporters – Ed

Stephen Fry held after man was ‘nutted’ outside Sherlock Holmes convention.

Two-fisted. Fry confronts journalists shortly before last night’s ill-fated convention

Actor and comedian, Stephen Fry, was being held in an East London police cell last night after an altercation outside a Whitechapel venue where a convention of fans of the victorian sleuth, Sherlock Holmes, had taken place earlier in the evening.

Following the disturbance, a 46-year-old man was taken to hospital with a suspected broken nose after Fry had allegedly head-butted him following a disagreement about the sub-plot of the iconic Holmes mystery: The Sign of Four.

An eye-witness to the alleged attack told reporters: “The evening had gone really well. We’d had a couple of guest speakers and then a showing of the 1939 version of The Hound of The Baskervilles starring Basil Rathbone.

“At the end of the evening, we all went to the bar for a drink. It was then that I noticed Stephen Fry and this other bloke having a heated argument about The Sign of Four.

“There was some pushing and shoving but nothing too serious and I thought it had all blown over.

“However, when I got outside, I saw Fry leaning on his car smoking. He looked pretty pissed off to be honest with you.

“Then, as the other bloke came out, Fry went running over to him, shouting the odds and threatening to knock him out.

“The bloke said something back and Fry just nutted him. He went down like a sack of spuds and seemed to be out cold.

” Fry then went to put the boot in, but a woman he was with came running over and told him to, “just leave it” and that he “wasn’t worth it”

“Somebody must have called the police because a van arrived and he was taken away in handcuffs, still swearing and shouting that he knew where the other bloke lived”

This latest incident comes just 2 weeks after Eastenders, ‘Dot Cotton’ actress, June Brown, 89, was remanded in custody at Bow Street magistrate’s court after allegedly hitting fellow cast member, Danny Dyer, over the head with a hammer.

Whelk Exclusive: Royal Philharmonic Orchestra to become one-man-band following arts budget cut


The world-renowned, Royal Philharmonic Orchestra will be reduced to a single member in 2017 following stringent government cuts to the arts budget, The Whitechapel Whelk has learned.

The sole orchestra member – who will be known as Royal Phil – will have a big drum harnessed to his chest, with a trumpet and a harmonica attached, and cymbals tied to the insides of both knees.

Royal Phil will embark on a world tour early in the new year when he will be performing in Berlin, Sydney, Paris and Madrid, before closing the tour with an appearance at The Royal Albert Hall in London.

His repertoire will include: The Rose of Tralee, Maybe it’s Because I’m A Londoner and the theme tune from Doctor Who.

There are also plans for a short series of free summer concerts which will be staged in the tunnel leading to the northbound platform at Whitechapel underground station.

All the loose change tossed into his cap will go directly to The Arts Council, with a small deduction for a cup of tea and half an ounce of Golden Virginia being taken daily.

smudge by, The Artful Dodger (nice one Dodge)

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