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The Whitechapel Whelk

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The Metropolitan Police

PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

PC Ted (New)

Evenin’ all

Policing a teeming and vibrant city like London during a health emergency can be a challenging, and sometimes, a dangerous business.

Take last Saturday evening for example. The lads from my unit, along with myself, were relaxing in the canteen before going out on patrol in the West End to look for people flouting the lockdown regulations.

We then got a shout from upstairs that a bunch of anti-lockdown nutters had gathered outside St Thomas’ Hospital in Lambeth where they were giving a load of grief to the doctors and nurses coming off shift after a tough day on the covid wards.

We immediately deployed to the scene and laid into the protestors with our batons, leaving many of them unconscious on the deck.

We threw a few of these into the Thames to bring them round before setting off back to the wagons.

At this point, I realised I’d worked up a bit of a thirst, so I told the lads I’d see them back at the nick and broke into nearby Lambeth Palace where I got stuck into the Bishop of London’s booze cabinet until I spewed my ring up into the font and collapsed to the deck in a pool of my own piss and sick.

Evenin’ all

PC Ted is the vice-chancellor of the Severe Liver Damage and Projectile Vomiting Association

PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

 

PC Ted (New)

Evening all

Policing a diverse, sprawling city like London is often a very challenging and even hazardous business for a Met Police copper, particularly during these unprecedented times.

So when my team received a shout that a group of around fifty, anti-lockdown merchants were staging a group ‘hug-in’ in Hyde Park in direct contravention of lockdown directives we realised at once that we were going to be in for a tough time dealing with these unhinged chumps

When we arrived on the scene, a rowdy demo was already underway with banner-waving protestors shouting about 5G death rays causing covid-19 while milling around in close proximity to one another in clear breach of the social-distancing guidelines.

Realising that time was of the essence and that our beloved National Health Service was being put at risk by these clowns, we began wading in with our batons.

Taking absolutely no chances with public safety, we beat the absolute crap out of them before tossing them into the Serpentine to drown.

All-in-all, it was a highly successful operation and I celebrated on the way home after my shift by joining a lock-in at a boozer in Victoria Street with about twenty others where I drank around twelve pints of heavy before spewing my ring up over the barmaid.

I was later found sprawled in a shop doorway in a pool of sick and with my heavily-soiled trousers round my ankles by two colleagues from Ebury Street nick who took me down the cells where they hosed me down with freezing cold water and stole my wallet.

PC Ted is vice-chairman of the Metropolitan Liver Disease and Projectile Vomiting Appreciation Society

Local man tasered following Sausage Party jibe at cop

sausage-party-2016-09

A 30-year-old Whitechapel man was recovering in hospital last night following an incident in which a police officer deployed his taser after the man had taunted him over the popular animated movie, Sausage Party

Toby Dell, from Vallance Road, allegedly shouted to the officer who was on duty near Aldgate East station, that he was going home to watch Sausage Party while the officer would have to remain on patrol.

A bystander told a Whelk reporter: “I heard a heated exchange between this man and a police officer

“The man was yelling that he was going to watch Sausage Party and that the officer wasn’t.

“He was right in this cop’s face, so when he drew his taser and shot him, I wasn’t surprised and even gave him a thumbs-up while this idiot was twitching on the deck”.

A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police said last night: “In the current emergency we urge members of the public to act with common sense and respect, particularly where Sausage Party is concerned.

“If you are going to watch it at some point, please close your doors and windows so that others won’t realise that you’re enjoying the sausage based antics in the finest motion picture ever made”

In other related news, the actors playing the main sausage and the hot dog bun are going to visit the Royal London Hospital later today where they will meet with frontline staff to offer support and good wishes.

PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust, In Hong Kong!

PC Ted (New) - Copy

Evenin’ all!

Policing a great metropolis like London can be a challenging and highly stressful business at times which is why I went on holiday to Hong Kong last week.

After 7 days and nights on the grog, I found myself at Hong Kong airport waiting to check-in for my flight back to London City Airport.

Suddenly, all hell broke loose as student demonstrators armed with clubs started attacking some of the airport security cops just a few metres away.

One officer was getting really badly beaten, making me fear for his life.

I immediately felt my copper’s instincts kick in and pulled out a bottle of Brazilian pure cane spirit that I’d just bought in duty-free

Within minutes, I’d finished the entire bottle and ended up spewing my ring up all over one of the stricken cops who was lying bleeding at my feet.

Evenin’ all.

Ted Stupor is the editor-in-chief of Popular Liver Damage Monthly

PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

PC Ted (New) - Copy

Evenin’ all

Policing a big city like London can be a challenging and even a hazardous job on occasion which often results in both myself and my colleagues finding ourselves in harm’s way.

Take yesterday’s pro-Brexit demo outside Parliament, where literally hundreds of people with low IQs vented their anger at the fact that Britain still hasn’t left the EU.

At around 22.00 last night we were called out to an incident involving drunken Brexiteers and a number of left-wing Remain supporters who were holding a noisy counter-demonstration in Whitehall.

We sped to the scene and immediately deployed in a line, separating the two rival groups.

Fortunately, I noticed that The Moon On The Mall pub still had its doors open, so while my colleagues deployed shields and batons in preparation for trouble, I went to the bar and necked lager and Old Bushmills until I spewed up over the barman and shat myself on the way to the gents

Evenin’ all

PC Ted appears courtesy of The Unsteady Gait & Advanced Cirrhosis Bugle

Every person in random commuter pic a wanted killer say Met Police

See the source image
Commuters, but how many are killers? Our money’s on the woman on the left in glasses.

The Metropolitan Police have revealed, that in an astonishing coincidence, every person captured in a recent newspaper picture of a small handful of commuters is a cold-blooded killer of some description.

The pic, used by The East London Gazette to accompany a story on train cancellations, has now been seized by the police who are in the process of rounding up all those featured in the photograph and sending them to jail.

A police spokesman told newsmen last night: “To have snapped so many killers all in one place like this was an incredible coincidence and a real lucky break.

“There’s a bloke right at the back who’s killed 5 people including his grandad, so it’s great that he’ll be facing the full force of British justice. In fact, they all will.”

The last time anything of this nature occurred was in 2016, when everybody snapped in a New York Times picture taken at a Donald Trump rally was subsequently found to be a mentally sub-normal racist.

PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

PC Ted (New) - Copy

Evenin’ all

Policing a huge and diverse city like London can be an exacting and even perilous business at times, where myself and my colleagues frequently put our own safety firmly on the line.

Take Tuesday evening as an example. My team were sent to police the Thames Walk area around London Bridge where thousands of England football fans had gathered to watch the World Cup clash against Colombia on the big screen.

My prime concern was that people would be drinking heavily, both prior to, and during the game, and that trouble could ensue as a result.

So, with this in mind, I began confiscating alcohol from people at London Bridge station on the off chance that they could be potential troublemakers.

By 7.00 pm, I had more than enough to see me through the evening and ended up being sick down the front of a woman’s dress during the penalty shootout.

Evenin’ all

PC Ted is an associate member of The Liver Damage and Projectile Vomiting Appreciation Society

PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

PC Ted (New) - Copy

Evenin’ all

Policing a sprawling and diverse city like London can be an extremely demanding and even perilous business at times, particularly in the present uncertain international political climate.

Take last Wednesday for example. We were in the canteen at the station when we received a shout that a well-known Russian dissident had been found dead in suspicious circumstances in a local park.

My team immediately deployed to the scene where we were issued with protective, anti-radiation gear due to the hazard of contamination from any noxious substance or nerve agent that might be present in the area.

Fortunately, I had a bottle of Old Bushmills tucked into the back of my trousers, so while the other lads moved in to investigate further, I tucked into the grog and didn’t stop until I’d spewed my guts up inside my gas mask.

Evening all

PC Ted is the vice-chairman of the British Scrimmaging & Liver Destruction Association

The Casebook of PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

PC Ted (New) - Copy

Evenin’ all

Policing a sprawling, multi-cultural city like London can be a taxing and often perilous job at times, particularly when enforcing the law in areas with a dense ethnic population.

Take yesterday’s Chinese New Year celebrations in London’s famous Chinatown district in and around Soho and Leicester Square for example.

At around 9.00pm last evening, my team were called out to a violent disturbance in Gerrard Street where 2 rival groups of Chinese were attacking each other with cleavers and axes outside a restaurant.

We raced to the scene, and realising time was of the essence and that people’s very lives were at stake, I waited for the other lads to rush into the fray before slipping into a local off-licence where I bought a 3-litre bottle of Blackout premium strength cider and a 6-pack of Tennant’s Super Strength lager.

By the time the lads got back to the van with a few bloodied prisoners I was lying in the gutter with sick over my tunic and a stream of piss running out of my trouser leg.

Evenin’ all.

PC Ted is The Branch Secretary of The Grog-Fuelled Cirrhosis Appreciation Society

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