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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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the queen

Bill Gates will force vaccinated Queen to fellate Tom Hanks on live TV, says local anti-vaxxer

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A right royal blow? Her Majesty pictured at home last night.

A 54-year-old Whitechapel woman and prominent anti-vaccine advocate has told The Whelk that Microsoft billionaire, Bill Gates, will use a microchip contained in the vaccine that was administered to Her Majesty The Queen yesterday to compel her to give oral relief to movie icon, Tom Hanks, live on the BBC.

Karen Thrawl, an Uber driver from Vallance Road, told our reporter: “Now that the Queen’s had the vaccine she will be under the total control of Bill Gates due to the chip and the first thing he’ll do is make her give Tom Hanks a noshing on TV to discredit her before taking over the monarchy himself.

“He will then make Tom Hanks, The Duke of Edinburgh, and George Clooney will be crowned Prince of Wales.

“They will then all live together in Buckingham Palace, drinking orphan’s blood to keep them young-looking while the Queen and Prince Philip will be put into the lizard enclosure at London Zoo.”

A spokesman for the royal family discredited Mrs Thrawl’s assertions last night: “Her Majesty has not expressed any desire to give Mr Hanks a gamming on the BBC, nor any other television channel, at this time, although, this could be because the chip hasn’t been activated yet” he told us.

Mrs Thrawl’s prediction comes just two weeks after a 35-year-old anti-lockdown activist told The Sunday Times that covid-19 is a myth and that all the dead people are just actors who will eventually jump out of their graves and take over the world led by George Soros and 1960s pop princess, Lulu.

Royal Bombshell: Queen and Prince Philip had two-in-a-bed sex romp while I watched, says royal flunky

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                                              The saucy royals pictured last night

In a shock revelation, a staff member at Buckingham Palace has told The Whitechapel Whelk, that in June of 1963, he witnessed Her Majesty The Queen engaging in a steamy romp with her husband, The Duke of Edinburgh, when he entered their bed-chamber without knocking as he bought up their night time hot drinks.

The flunky, Tobias Dell, 97, told us: “It was blatant to say the least.

“They were both under the covers, engaging in a pretty vigorous bout of sex. They were really going at it full pelt.

“There was a fair amount of puffing and blowing, and at one point, Prince Philip called out: “Oh yes, Your Majesty, you dirty little royal trollop. You know what one likes, don’t you?”

“I hurriedly put down the drinks tray on the bedside table and left quickly before they both started shooting their bolts.

“The next morning, when I came up with the toast and marmalade, they were acting all innocent, as if nothing had happened.

“The Queen even asked me what the weather was doing and whether it was worth going into Hyde Park for a kick-about with Princess Ann”

If found to be true, this bombshell could threaten the very fabric of the monarchy and could even rival the uproar when Princess Margaret told The Daily Telegraph that she once walked in on Prince Edward while he was masturbating noisily to the pictures in a copy of Bodybuilding Monthly.

SURVEY: Local Book Voted The Number One Gift To Avoid This Christmas

In a recent study conducted by The British Library, the latest novella by Whitechapel Whelk journalist, Danny Soz, was found to be the least desirable gift to purchase for a loved one this Christmas.

The puerile, literary bilge concerned, chronicles a daring gold bullion heist carried out by real-life, child members of Soz’s ne’er-do-well family.

Featuring a cameo appearance by Soz himself right at the end, the book was dismissed in the study as: ‘A real piece of crap of the very highest order and one to definitely steer clear of this Christmas, or indeed, any other Christmas for that matter’

Here’s some reader testimonials:

‘A poorly written and banal, big pile of shiny shite. Puny! – Bodybuilding Monthly

‘Fucking rubbish from start to finish. I wouldn’t use it to wipe my holy arse with’The Dalai Lama

Yugely entertaining. It reads like a finely-tooned, bigly word machine. A tremendous book to grace any covfefe table. So tremendous’Donald Trump

‘I vomited from start to finish‘ – The Reflux and Stomach Disorder Bugle

‘EYE DIDDNT LYKE IT AT AWL. COMPLEETE KRAPP’ The Times Higher Education Supplement

‘I say! What a jolly bad show! I gave my copy to matron and she threw it at our chimney sweepJacob Rees-Mogg

‘Anyone who buys this piece of shite is a two-bob scumbag that deserves a fucking good clumping’The Salvation Army War Cry

‘One was not amused and one ended up flushing it down one’s chodbin’ The Queen

The only plus points that the study could report was the book’s brevity, the dirt cheap price, and the fact that it fits through the average letter box.

Here’s a link, although we’d avoid it like a two-week holiday in a covid ward with no PPE and a wrecked immune system if we were you.

The Queen slams Mrs Brown’s Boys in right royal outburst

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Her Majesty The Queen last night launched an astonishing attack on the popular comedy series, Mrs Brown’s Boys, calling it, ‘banal, infantile, and, ‘a real piece of deeply unfunny shit.’

Talking to the BBC’s Royal Correspondent, Nicolas Witchell, the furious monarch pulled no punches as she tore into the hit series which chronicles the lives of a dysfunctional Dublin family.

“One doesn’t pay one’s TV licence fee to be served up drivel like this”,  she stormed

“It’s just a load of Irish people swearing at each other.

“If I want to listen to profanity I’ll invite Princess Michael of Kent to join me for luncheon.

“Somebody told me the other day that Mrs Brown isn’t even a real woman and that the part is played by a man.

“What sort of message does that send out to young people?

“No wonder there is so much perverse and unseemly behaviour these days. Just look at Prince Andrew”

In 1963, The Queen controversially attacked the gritty police drama, The Sweeney, which she described as ‘a complete bunch of arse with too much rumpy-pumpy in it’

The Queen has consumed at least 11 tons of tallow since ascending to the throne claims insider

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A source inside Buckingham Palace has made the startling claim that Her Majesty, The Queen has used more than 11 imperial tons of tallow since coming to the throne in 1953

The insider told us that she eats raw tallow for every meal, and that even the food she eats at state banquets is made entirely from tallow and is disguised by Palace gourmet chefs to resemble rack of lamb with roast potatoes and things of that nature.

Tallow, which is made from the fat surrounding the organs of cows or sheep, also plays a major part in The Queen’s holistic approach to medicine and she regularly rubs it on her chest during the winter months to keep the cold out.

It is thought that her fondness for the viscous, fatty comestible was passed down to her by, The Queen Mother, who would routinely add hot tallow to her nightly pint of gin and would also use tallow suppositories if she was finding it difficult to have a shit.

Queen punches out Meghan during heated late-night supper exchange

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Battling royal. The Queen pictured in combative mood just hours before she gave Meghan a clumping

A Buckingham Palace insider has told The Whelk that The Queen launched a frenzied, two-fisted attack on the Duchess of Sussex last weekend, during a furious row about Meghan’s recent remarks about becoming a member of the royal family in a BBC documentary.

The source told us that The Queen had been drinking heavily for most of the evening and seemed to be spoiling for a fight.

Her Majesty reportedly launched into a blistering verbal attack on Meghan during supper, calling her, ‘a colonial scumbag’ before raining down a series of blows on the startled Duchess who was knocked backwards in her chair, banging her head on an ornamental fireguard.

The Queen allegedly then tried to follow up by kicking the weeping Meghan in the head, but was dragged back by Princess Ann, who got her mother in a bear hug telling her to, “just leave it, she’s not worth it”

If true, this will be the second time that Her Majesty has allowed her fists to do the talking.

In 1986, she knocked out, Prince Andrew’s new bride, Sarah Ferguson, in a drunken exchange between the pair at the wedding reception, during which, she called the Duchess of York, a “fat slag” and, “an old ginger spunker”

The Queen ‘mightily pissed off’ at having to get out of bed to sign Brexit bill says insider

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Not amused. The Queen pictured putting a brave face on it last night

A Buckingham Palace insider has told The Whitechapel Whelk that The Queen was none too happy after being made to get out of bed to give a signed royal assent to the cross-party European Union (Withdrawal) (No 5) Bill last night.

“When Her Majesty was told that the bill had been accepted by The House of Commons and that she needed to put her signature to it she was mightily pissed off and kept muttering, ‘fuck’s sake’, and, ‘poxy Brexit’ under her breath as she waited in her dressing gown for the document to arrive”, the insider revealed.

The Queen famously likes to retire at 10.00 pm each night after watching the 9.00 pm thrillers on the BBC or ITV, although she does stay up later on Saturdays to watch all the day’s goal highlights on Match Of The Day.

Prince Philip crashes into Arbroath

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The picturesque fishing port of Arbroath pictured just hours before Prince Philip crashed into it

There were fresh calls for The Duke of Edinburgh to be taken off of Britain’s roads last night as reports emerged that the 97-year-old had crashed his new Landrover Discovery into the Scottish town of Arbroath, causing thousands of pounds of damage to property and sinking a scallop fishing trawler in the harbour.

The Duke had apparently given royal protection officers the slip at The Queen’s Sandringham estate and had taken to the road at around midday on Tuesday, just days after his collision with another vehicle had injured 2 women.

Eyewitnesses said he crashed into the small fishing port at around 7.00 pm, hitting a public house, the local swimming baths and a number of residential homes before rolling the vehicle onto its roof on the deck of a fishing boat that was at the quayside unloading a cargo of scallops, causing it to sink to the bottom of the harbour.

The skipper of the vessel, Michael “Bucky” Doyle, 87, told newsmen: “He was quite apologetic when he climbed out of the motor.

“He asked me if I was alright and then offered me a fiver to keep my mouth shut.

“He told me he was momentarily blinded by the low sun, but I don’t see how that could be the case as it had gone down about 2 hours beforehand.

“He then said he was off to the pub and asked me to ring The Queen and tell her to pick him up.

“When I got through, The Queen was pretty angry and called him, a f*****g senile c**t.

“She arrived just before midnight and stormed into the pub with a face like thunder.

“The landlord told me that she tipped his pint over his head and started hitting him across the back with a horsewhip. She then tipped his fish supper into his lap before dragging him out to the motor”

Before last night’s dramatic events, Arbroath’s only previous claim to fame was the fact that it has more impotent males per square mile than any other place on earth.

Queen & Trump Balloon 1a - Copy

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