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The Whitechapel Whelk

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The Whitechapel Whelk

Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Heavyweight Consumers’ Champion

danny sparko meme

Dear Danny

I’m a single mum of two children aged 6 and 9 who lost my little part-time job due to the lockdown, so this past eighteen months period has been pretty stressful for me and the kids too as you can imagine.

Money has been very tight and I’ve even had to go without an evening meal sometimes to make sure the children are fed.

On top of everything I have fallen a few weeks behind with the rent on our flat and the landlord is threatening to evict us unless I can find the money within the next seven days.

I’ve begged him to give us more time but he won’t listen.

Please help if you can Danny as I’m desperate and don’t know which way to turn.

Tracy Dell
Berner Street
Whitechapel E1

*************

Dear Tracy

I went round to see your landlord last night and began negotiations on your behalf by knocking some of his front teeth out with a right-hander as soon as he opened the door.

I then sickened the mug with a few big bombs to the body, rupturing his spleen and breaking two of his ribs.

He hit the deck like a sack of spuds so I went in with the boot, giving him a few powerful toe-enders to his kidneys to liven the chump up a bit.

Next, I stamped on his face, giving him the old five-millimetre tread before dragging him to his feet so that I could stick the nut on him a few times.

As he slid down the wall, his missus rushed out and started telling me that he’d had enough and to leave it out but I told her to shut it and that it was between me and him.

After pulling his strides down and striping him across the arse with a straight razor, I made him sign an agreement that you don’t owe any rent and that in future he’s going to pay you to live there.

I hope this sets your mind at rest sweetheart and that you enjoy the slap-up nosebag I’ve ordered for you and the kids from The Savoy, paid for out of the cheque for two thousand smackers that I made him sign before throwing him into his fish pond.

All The Very Best For The Future
Your Pal
Danny

Danny Sparko is vice-chairman of the East London Ruptured Spleen and Broken Eye Socket Association

Local man disappointed to discover dad was Gestapo torture fiend

gestapo

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that a recent search on a genealogy site has revealed that his late father was a brutal torturer in the feared Nazi secret police, the Gestapo.

Speaking from his home in Brushfield Street yesterday, Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver, said: “I recently subscribed to a website that promises to discover your ancestors going right back to the Middle Ages.

“As you can imagine, I was pretty disappointed to find out that my dad was a massive Nazi who tortured people in a dungeon underneath a castle in Bavaria.

“Apparently, he used to administer electric shocks to people’s private parts and wasn’t averse to using mediaeval instruments of torture, including the Iron Maiden and The Rack to make people confess to being spies or Jewish.

“It’s a real sickener for me as mum always told me he was in The Home Guard during the war”

Dell’s revelations come just two weeks after another family tree-researcher, a 35-year-old woman from Shoreditch, discovered that her grandmother was The Beast Of Belsen.

Black Friday flat-screen TV buyer killed by single sword thrust

black friday brawl
Shoppers jostle for position at the Poundland Black Friday sale in Cripplegate

A 54-year-old Black Friday bargain hunter was killed by a fellow shopper in Curry’s electrical goods store in Oxford Street, central London yesterday after a confrontation over a 43-inch flat-screen TV set.

Vic Digence, from Mare Street in Hackney, was killed by a single sword thrust to the chest from a man who, according to witnesses, became incensed when he saw the victim making off with the heavily discounted item and heading to the checkout.

One female bystander, Tracy Carter, 32, from Stratford, East London, told us: “I heard voices being raised and turned to see this bloke stabbing another man with a sword.

‘He was well furious and was calling this poor bloke all the names under the sun.

‘I can only assume he had his eye on that telly and lost the plot when he saw this other bloke walking off with it.

‘He then pulled his sword out of the fella’s chest, picked up the telly and walked over to the checkout to pay.

‘I said to my friend that it was a bit over the top. I mean, we all like a bargain and I’ve had the odd up-and-a-downer myself over a cheap item but surely a punch in the face would have been more than enough’

The police have named the assailant as Toby Dell, 42, from Brushfield Street, Whitechapel, who was recently released from a secure unit where he had served 25-years for nailing a woman to a display unit following a dispute over some cut-price pillowcases at a Selfridges January sale in 1996.

Man Utd glory hunter from the south desperately seeking tenuous link to Chelsea

Poo Chelsea fan

A Brighton-based fan of ailing football club, Manchester United, who has always claimed that his lifelong allegiance to the club was down to a tenuous familial link to a town situated 40-miles from Manchester, has begun poring over family tree data, looking for a link to any town within a 60-mile radius of high-flying London club, Chelsea FC, before telling all and sundry that he’s been a Blues fan all his life.

Larry Jenkins, 62, has become so disillusioned by the stricken Manchester giants’ plight over recent years he has decided to switch allegiance as soon as he can establish a spurious link to the table-topping West London side.

“I’ve had it with United” he told The Sussex Argos. “I’ve made claim to an utterly spurious family tie to that club, man and boy, but enough is enough.

‘I’m going to abandon my assertion that my great uncle Bob lived on the outskirts of Sheffield and try to find someone in the family tree with a link to Chelsea, no matter how tenuous.

‘In fact, my missus once bought a top from Chelsea Girl in Hove in the seventies so I might use that one’.

Jenkins is part of a growing number of southerners with no Mancunian links whatsoever who are now desperately trying to find glory elsewhere.

Promotion-chasing East London club, Leyton Orient, has reported record shirt sales during the last six months, mainly from former United fans, desperately looking to salvage a modicum of kudos from jeering friends and work colleagues.

Editor’s Note: For our foreign readers, Man Utd are a club in the north of England, famous for having a huge fan base in the south of the country despite the fact that 99.999% of these clowns have never been further north than Tottenham Hale which is not very far north at all.

Local man’s dismay at Michael McIntyre’s picture on TV guide cover on a par with that of Prometheus

victorian-mustache-men
McIntyre on TV guides through the ages

A 54-year-old London man has told The Whelk that the utter dismay he felt when he spotted the TV personality Michael McIntyre’s picture on the front cover of his Sun TV guide was on a par with the desolation felt by the Greek Titan, Prometheus, when the errant god discovered that having his liver torn out and eaten by an eagle wasn’t going to be a one-off.

Toby Dell, a gravity die-caster from Brushfield Street told us: “When I pulled my free TV guide out of The Sun on Saturday and saw that picture of McIntyre on the front I was overwhelmed with an all-pervading feeling of complete dismay.

“It was almost certainly down to the knowledge that I’d have to look at his idiotic, smirking dial for the entire week until I get a new guide next Saturday.

“I can only liken my sense of complete desolation to that felt by the doomed Prometheus when he realised that when Zeus condemned him to having his liver devoured by an eagle it was on a daily basis and not just a one-off job.

“I’m going to tell the missus to keep it hidden in the magazine rack and not on the dining table like normal.

“The thought of having to look at that industrial-strength uber-twat’s grinning clock day in day out is more than I can bear, to be honest”

A spokesman for The Sun said last night: “We can understand Mr Dell’s position on this one but there are millions of thickos, not to mention half-barmy old grunters out there, that actually like the fucker”

McIntyre was unavailable for comment last night as he was out somewhere getting on people’s nerves.

BBC win exclusive rights to live screen Gareth Southgate’s wife getting the kids their tea

bbc

In what is being hailed as a major coup for the channel, the BBC last night announced that they have tabled a successful bid to screen England soccer boss Gareth Southgate’s wife preparing the children’s tea prior to matches in the forthcoming 2022 World Cup tournament in Qatar.

It is believed that they offered in excess of twenty-five pounds of licence payer’s money to live screen Mrs Southgate preparing the 5.00 pm meal.

She will be shown undertaking a number of tasks, which will include defrosting quick and easy meals for the kids like turkey twizzlers or frozen pizzas and putting them in the oven before pouring out their Vimto cold drinks to wash it down with.

A spokesman for the Beeb said last night: ‘We’re extremely excited about this project which will bring all the action live and direct from Mrs Southgate’s kitchen.

‘We’re hoping to use a number of our commentary team and studio analysts throughout the meal preparation, including, Gary Lineker, Roy Keane, and Mark Lawrenson, plus a token female that most men will baulk at and not take in the least bit seriously’

It is understood that the cameras will be switched off if any controversial incidents, such as food-throwing, swearing at the kids by Mrs Southgate or vomiting at the table take place as the action unfolds.

This announcement comes just a week after rivals, ITV, announced that they have made a successful bid to screen edited highlights of the England team bus driver checking his tyre pressures before setting off with the lads to the stadium.

Watching Rumpole Of The Bailey has turned Meghan and Harry into shape-shifting howler monkeys, says David Icke

howler-monkey
Harry and Meghan pictured opening a barber’s shop in Cripplegate, East London last night

Britain’s most prominent conspiracy theorist, David Icke, has told his followers that Prince Harry and his wife, Meghan Markle, have been transformed into Sumatran Howler Monkeys after watching a box set of the popular legal drama, Rumpole of The Bailey.

In a recent video clip on the Telegram social media platform, Icke states: “There can be no doubt whatsoever that Harry and Meghan now have the ability to shift shape at will and have become howler monkeys, and it’s all down to binge-watching, legal drama, Rumpole Of The Bailey

‘If you send me some money via my website I will give you the irrefutable proof, along with a first-hand account of how my son walked past their garden a few weeks ago and spotted them both sitting in the branches of a tree, eating bananas, picking fleas out of each other’s back hair and emitting occasional ear-splitting howls.

‘You have to send at least twenty quid though, otherwise, you’ll never get wise to their little game’

Icke’s shock claims come hot on the heels of a recent assertion by Britain’s Got Talent judge and self-proclaimed free-thinker, Amanda Holden, that Prince Edward and his wife, Sophie, are actually ‘Transfomer-like’ beings that can turn into mobile phone masts that emit killer 5G rays at the wanton behest of madcap billionaire, Bill Gates.

Britney welcomes Olly Murs as new big-faced conservator

Olly - Copy

Pop princess, Britney Spears, last night announced that big-faced Brit singer and TV personality, Olly Murs, is to become her new conservator following her father’s recent relinquishing of the role.

Speaking to newsmen from outside her hotel in Manhatten, Spears said: “I’m delighted to tell you that Olly has agreed to become my new conservator and I look forward to having the big-faced Brit as my new mentor and guide.

“I’m particularly looking forward to going for long walks on his massive dial while he handles my financial affairs for a hefty fee.

“I’ve already arranged to have a party for a few hundred friends on his face and can’t wait to let my hair down on his gigantic forehead while he negotiates his percentage cut from my career royalties.”

Murs was unavailable for comment last night as he is currently touring a number of working men’s clubs in Sheffield but the Dance With Me star’s mother, Mildred, 97, told newsmen:

“Olly’s always been a massive Britney fan and can’t wait to make a few bob out of being her conservator while she takes it easy or parties on his massive face”

This latest announcement comes just a few days after troubled pop icon, Justin Bieber, revealed that he was going to spend six months recuperating from a series of drink and drug-fuelled benders inside pop entrepreneur Simon Cowell’s enormous, high-waisted trousers.

Denise Welch apologises for raping football legend live on air

vic bint
Welch pictured outside the ITV studio last night

ITV’s Loose Women stalwart, Denise Welch, has issued an apology for raping a 57- year- old ex-footballer live on-air in yesterday’s edition of the programme.

Welch, 85, subjected Liverpool and England legend Barnes, to a prolonged and brutal attack, during which her visibly upset co-presenters repeatedly threw buckets of water over her and made a number of failed attempts to pull her off.

In a statement to reporters from outside her home in Middlesborough, Welch said: “I should like to apologise for raping Mr Barnes live on air yesterday.

“It was a spur of the moment thing and not something I’m particularly proud of.

“I just hope my many fans will stand by me, and that I’ll be allowed to get on with presenting Loose Women for at least a couple of weeks or until my case comes up in court”

This latest incident comes just a few months after her actor ex-husband, Tim Healy , 92, was charged with lewd conduct in a public place after the Auf Wiedersehen Pet star was spotted masturbating over the sweets in his local Shell garage by the girl at the cash desk.

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