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The Whitechapel Whelk

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The Whitechapel Whelk

Local man ejaculated during bout of extreme nose-blowing court told

tissues

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday told magistrates that a stint of hard nose-blowing had been behind the fact that he had ejaculated onto the door of a crowded District Line tube train carriage in July this year.

Toby Dell, a foundry worker from Commercial Street, told the court that the sheer force of his nasal expulsions had triggered an involuntary orgasm and that he had no intention of committing an act of gross indecency.

“I was suffering from a heavy cold and just wanted to clear my nose because I was struggling to breathe,” he told Horseferry Road magistrates court.

“I pulled out my hankerchief and blew my nose pretty hard , at which point, my trouser zip burst open and I inadvertently ejaculated on the door.

“It was purely an accident,” he said, “I wasn’t even aroused.”

Sentencing Dell to a 9-month prison sentence, suspended for one year, the magistrate, Terence Carter, told the defendant: “The court proposes leniency in this instance, but if you return to this court having shot your custard in public again you can expect a substantial custodial sentence to be imposed.”

Last August, a 23-year-old woman from Pimlico in West London was fined £150 for behaviour likely to cause a breach of the peace after she had a series of shattering climaxes during a sustained bout of coughing in the waiting room at her doctor’s surgery.

Ask No-Vax Vic. He’s a Weapons-Grade Dick

no vax vic

Dear Vic

I’m in a bit of a quandary so I’m hoping you can help.

All these leading scientists, virologists, immunologists and physicians are advising people to get vaccinated against covid-19 to prevent the current appalling death toll from increasing exponentially until we are faced with well in excess of one hundred million dead across the globe.

However, some people on my Aunty Doris’s Facebook page are insisting that if I get the jab I will be taken over by Bill Gates and George Soros who will switch me on and off whenever the fancy takes them.

Some people on Instagram are also convinced that the vaccine contains pork luncheon meat and Cumberland sausages which will obviously kill people who follow Islam as well as Jewish folk.

Please help me if you can Vic as it’s so difficult to know whether to believe the learned people with impeccable qualifications whose job it is to fight disease or a bunch of beetle-browed headbangers on social media.

Toby Dell

Whitechapel

London E1

**********

Dear Toby

Under no circumstances have the jab and become another one of the sheeple.

A bloke I was speaking to on Facebook the other day told me that half an hour after having his first AstraZeneca shot, he grew a second head and his penis dropped off, and this bloke was a lorry driver so he obviously wasn’t making it up.

I was also on Twitter with an unemployed woman the other day who told me that Tom Hanks was waiting for her outside the vaccination centre and that he started drinking the blood from her vaccine wound as she was getting into her car.

The whole of social media is awash with similar, wholly plausible horror stories from reliable and sane individuals who routinely spend the entire day and half the night doing their online research and making their own minds up while wearing their mum’s dressing gowns.

Talking of mums, my mum had the Phizer shot the other day and is already showing worrying signs of personality change.

Only last night, she demanded I give her back her dressing gown before calling me a ‘fucking bone-idle nutjob’

Proof positive of the dangers of vaccine if any were needed I think you’ll agree Toby.

So take my advice my friend and steer well clear of vaccines. The Illuminati that run the world from a shed in Israel are behind this and they won’t rest until all our cocks have dropped off so that we can’t increase the world’s population.

Having said that, if you do contract a killer virus of some description, simply try eating some raw plants or pushing some healing crystals up your bottom.

Stay well and stay woke!

Vic Twunt

Rubber Room 12

Bermondsey Hospital For The Feeble-Minded

London SE1

Editor’s Note: We don’t argue with anti-vaxxers just as we don’t bother with the Q Anon clowns. At the end of the day, it’s futile. You can’t reason people out of a position they weren’t reasoned into in the first place. Ridicule and derision is the way forward with these jokers, trust me.

Six die in fires and looting as leaderless Edinburgh descends into chaos

edinburgh
The former Dukedom of Edinburgh pictured in bad shape last night

Six people were reported to have been killed in lawless scenes last night following the death of the Duke of Edinburgh.

Buildings were torched and businesses and shops in Edinburgh city centre were looted as a mob consisting of people of all ages ran amok less than an hour after the ninety-nine-year-old Duke was pronounced dead.

A Scottish Police spokesman told reporters: “Prince Philip’s death has left a power vacuum that these lawless folk are exploiting.

“We are hoping that a new Duke will be appointed soon so that law and order can be restored”

During his Dukedom, Prince Philip and a small force of around fifty handpicked men armed with billy clubs and antique swords would patrol the streets of Scotland’s capital nightly, administering swift justice to any lawbreakers.

The Duke is rumoured to have personally killed over thirty miscreants during his seventy-year tenure as well as despatching countless stray cats and dogs with his elephant gun during his nightly patrols.

Tributes came flooding in following the announcement of his death yesterday afternoon, including one from Scottish pop icon, Rod Stewart who posted on his website: “The morning sun, when it’s in your face really showed your age but that didn’t worry me none, in my eyes you were everything”.

The Duke’s funeral will be next Tuesday when the press will be poised to castigate Meghan Markle for either not showing up, not looking grief-stricken enough, or for risking the lives of Will’s and Kate’s kids by having mashed avocado on toast for breakfast.

The WordPress, Blog-O-Mate Butt Plug of Hope

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Are you sick of being beaten to the punch by other bloggers when it comes to liking or commentating on a recent post by one of your favourite members of the WordPress family? Do you find yourself logging into WordPress on your PC, laptop or device, only to find that one of your most loyal and valued followers has made a post and that you are about 75th in the list of likers?

Well, those days could be over for good with the help of this clever little device. The WordPress Blog-O-Mate Butt Plug Of Hope simply slips into the anal cavity and will deliver a brief but powerful electrical jolt every time a pre-selected blogger of your choice clicks their “Publish” button.

Endorsed by WordPress themselves, the Blog-O-Mate will ensure that you never have to endure the heartache of seeing rows of small avatars lined up beneath that special post that you wanted so much to be the first to endorse.

It can be used any time, any place. Whether you’re at home relaxing, working at the office, or even in the shower. The Blog-O-Mate will make sure you never have to play second fiddle to your rival bloggers again.

Warning: Always remember to remove the Butt Plug Of Hope before going to the toilet, particularly if you are going to evacuate your bowel. Failure to do so may result in extreme abdominal pain, bloating, haemorrhoids, a throbbing vein in the temple, and in extreme cases, death, for which the manufacturers cannot be held responsible.

Testimonials:

“I’m a fawning sycophant and as silly as a sackload of shit. I honestly believe that by liking and commenting on other people’s blogs my own tawdry output will in some way be enhanced” – Miguel Sideboard. Torremolinos

“I agree with Mr Sideboard! Since this wonderful little device started electrocuting my arseole at regular intervals I’ve never felt more popular or more loved by members of the WordPress family” – Sammy Menopause. Rotherham.

“I was having sex with my girlfriend when my Blog-O-Mate alerted me that somebody I don’t know from Adam had made a post. My girl found the experience so pleasurable she now makes a WordPress post whenever we indulge in rumpy pumpy. Thanks Blog-O-Mate!” – Billy Kunt. Kent.

For express delivery of The Blog-O-Mate send cash or a banker’s draft for £22,985.70p + £800.00 p&p to:

Danny Soz
Name and address withheld
Soz Satire Magazine
Whitechapel E1

Fury over agony aunt who advised wife of crossdresser to ‘kick his sicko head in’

See the source image

Ms Carter pictured in defiant mood last night

A newspaper agony aunt came under fire yesterday after she advised a woman to assault her husband who had revealed to her that he was a secret crossdresser.

Meg Carter, who has worked on the Whitechapel Whelk newspaper for over thirty years, told the woman in question to leave her husband and to ‘kick his sicko head in’ before doing so.

Despite clamour for her resignation, the newspaper’s editor-in-chief, Daniel Soz, 21, issued a statement defending Carter’s stance last night.

‘Meg has always been honest and forthright in her opinions and I think our readership appreciate this.

‘While we don’t condone violence in any shape or form, we’re prepared to make an exception in this weirdo’s case. At the end of the day, any male that parades around in dresses and wears women’s scanties deserves a good clump in our view’

Ms Carter was recently censured by The Press Complaints Commision after advising a female reader, who had complained about her husband’s reluctance to help out with the ironing, to batter him to death with an iron bar and throw his body into the Thames.

EU ban AstraZeneca jab after German man treads on Lego brick in his bare feet

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Countries across the European Union have brought the desperately-needed rollout of the AstraZeneca vaccine to an immediate halt following an incident in Cologne in which a man in his thirties trod on a piece of Lego in his bare feet as he made his way to the toilet in the dark just weeks after receiving the jab.

A spokesperson for the twenty-eight country trading bloc said last night: “Until we can rule out a link between the vaccine and this gentleman’s foot injury due to treading on a plastic brick we are halting any further rollout of the vaccine at this time.

“We may be dying like flies over here but we have to put people’s safety first”

The World Health Organisation responded last night: “Incidents of Lego injuries are actually lower than normal for this period so we can categorically rule out any link between the AstraZeneca vaccine and this German bloke’s foot trauma”

This is the second major halt of the Oxford-AstraZeneca vaccine in the last month.

On March 20th, both France and The Netherlands banned the jab for the over ninety age group after a ninety-seven-year-old woman mysteriously died after falling headlong down the stairs with a bottle of Absinthe in her hand at her home in Lens just a month after her second shot of the British vaccine.

Letters To The Editor

stalin

Dear Sir

In their smash hit single, Everybody Hurts, the beat group, REM, clearly state, ‘take comfort in your friends.
This is all well and good but what about if you’re a fat sociopathic fuck and everyone, including your own family, think you’re a weapons-grade c**t?

D. Trump
Mar A Lago
Murica

***********

Dear Sir

Carers. Buy a pair of those joke, chattering dentures, so that your elderly charges can use them to pre-chew their meat instead of you having to cut it up for them.

Betty Stable
Dar Es Salaam

**********

Dear Sir

I spotted a white youngster spitting in the street yesterday. You can bet your bottom dollar he was taught this filthy habit by immigrants. Pakistanis and the French spring immediately to mind.

P. Patel. Home Secretary
Whitehall
London W1

**********

Dear Sir

Fill your bath with tropical plants and then turn the hot tap in the sink on. If you then crawl around in the bottom of the tub you can replicate the steamy conditions experienced by British soldiers fighting the Japs in the jungle during World War II. For added authenticity, throw in a few poisonous insects and venomous snakes.

Helen Mirren
Tinsel Town
Bermondsey

**********

Dear Sir

In one of his smash hit singles, Lionel Richie extols the sensation of dancing on the ceiling.
Well I tried it yesterday and was killed instantly in the resulting heavy fall.
Come on Lionel, if that’s your idea of enjoyment I should very much like to take issue with you.

S. Wonder
Bromley By Bow
London E4

BREAKING: I’ll shift Suez Canal vessel using my big face, vows Olly Murs

Olly and Clivey
Face Off. Olly and friend pictured with Whelk sub-editor, Danny Soz last night. Pic by Inchcock.

Marine engineers struggling to free the stricken cargo vessel, The Ever Given from it’s wedged position across the Suez Canal, breathed a huge sigh of relief last night as British pop icon, Olly Murs, pledged to free the ocean-going leviathan, which weighs in excess of 200,000 tonnes, using his gigantic face.

Murs flew to Egypt last night from where he told newsmen: “I intend to use my massive dial to displace water in the canal by dipping it into the stretch of water just behind the ship, causing the level to rise extremely quickly. It’s the Archimedes principle but with my face in the canal instead of his arse in the tub.

“I’m convinced that the huge displacement caused by my enormous face will cause the Ever Given to rise upwards, forcing the stern and the bow free which will give the tugs and the heavy equipment on the bank the opportunity to haul her around until she’s facing the right direction.”

The Egyptian president, Abdel Fattah el-Sisi, was full of praise for the Dance With Me star last night,

“My country has been losing over twenty million pounds a day in lost revenue, so Olly’s intervention has been a massive boost and a real Godsend.

“The sooner he gets his enormous, moon face into that water the better as far as I’m concerned”

If successful, this will be the biggest marine rescue operation since pop entrepreneur, Simon Cowell, used his gigantic, high-waisted trousers to haul a stricken, Russian nuclear submarine from the bottom of The Bering Strait in 1997.

Many women feared dead following stampede as Tom Hardy opens cake shop in underpants

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Up to thirty women were killed yesterday afternoon during a frenzied stampede to see the actor, Tom Hardy, opening a local specialist cake shop wearing a tight-fitting pair of briefs.

Earlier, a crowd of over a thousand women from across East London had gathered to watch the hunky star open the shop in Whitechapel Road in his pants.

However, tragedy struck when the crowd surged forward as the scantily clad actor emerged from a limousine outside the shop in a pair of black Calvin Klein briefs.

One woman who witnessed the carnage, Tracy Dell, 54 from Thrawl Street told us: “It was absolutely horrendous, to be honest.

“As soon as Tom got out of the car there was a huge surge forward and I saw many women crushed underfoot in the melee.

“I myself trampled on at least five bitches who were standing in front of me, blocking my view of Tom’s lunchbox”

This latest tragedy comes just two weeks after a hundred women died in a similar crush-related incident as hunky Aquaman star, Jason Mamoa, opened a pie and mash shop in Shadwell wearing a fireman’s uniform.

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