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The Whitechapel Whelk

Airport Twitter storm Brexiter had mistakenly joined the queue for the ladies toilets says eyewitness

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The staunch Brexiteer who went viral on Twitter last Friday when he complained about the length of the queue at a Dutch airport, had mistakenly joined the queue for the ladies toilets and not passport control according to an eye witness

Colin Browning, who tweeted, ‘This wasn’t the Brexit I voted for’, was also lampooned for his tweets on immigrants, gays, and female sports commentators.

He was ridiculed throughout the day by thousands and even trended on Twitter following his outburst about having to wait 50 minutes to get through passport control at Schiphol airport.

However, according to a female traveller who was standing behind the 55-year-old, he was actually in the queue for the ladies toilets, presumably by mistake, although this hasn’t yet been confirmed

Mrs Tracy Dell, 43, told newsmen: “This gentleman was just in front of me in the queue for the ladies.

“The back of his neck was really red and he kept muttering to himself about taking back control, the blacks, and unelected bureaucrats.

“I tapped him on the shoulder and tried to point out he was in the wrong queue but he got really upset and started shouting.

“At first, he accused me of talking to him in foreign.

“He then said I was after his job and wanted to enter the UK to live on unemployment benefits while sitting at home all day with the curtains drawn watching a flatscreen television.

“I wouldn’t mind but I’m a white English hairdresser from Essex”

Mr Browning was eventually led away by Dutch police who later charged him with disturbing the peace and defacing the cover of his European passport which he had coloured in with a blue crayon.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This skit was rejected by one of the satire heavyweights yesterday and it’s not difficult to see why

Local woman battered husband for lacing new boots too loosely

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A 24-year-old Whitechapel woman appeared in court yesterday charged with a serious assault on her husband after she noticed that he hadn’t laced up his boots tightly enough.

Tracy Dell, an accounts clerk, allegedly struck her husband, Toby, about the head with a piece of 4″ x 2″ timber causing him to lose consciousness in the street close to their home in Vallance Road.

After her arrest she told police that Mr Dell hadn’t laced his boots tightly enough, causing them to “flap around, making a racket”

Mr Dell, who had previously been savagely beaten in the street by his wife for tucking his shirt into his trousers in 2009, told a Whelk reporter outside Horseferry Road magistrates court, “I had it coming. I should have learned my lesson after the shirt business”

The case continues

STUDY: ‘Woo Woos’ who drink their own urine probably not best placed to advise on vaccines

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Taking the pee. An anti-vaxxer pictured bathing in human waste last night

A recent study carried out by Swansea University has found that people who routinely drink their own urine in the belief that it has restorative powers are probably not the best people to turn to when seeking advice on the side effects of vaccination, despite the fact that the anti-vax lobby and the urine consumers are often intrinsically linked on social media.

Speaking at a meeting of paediatricians in London, Professor Tobias Dell, who headed the study, said: “Our research has shown that individuals who drink their urine – I believe they are known as woo woos in the United States – are not qualified to offer advice on vaccines, nor indeed, anything else in my opinion.

“Our study revealed that a large percentage of these people have a history of mental illness and should be avoided at all costs, particularly if they offer you a glass of lemonade.

“Drinking urine has no health benefits whatsoever and may even be injurious to those who do it.

“In short, any kind of contact with our bladder contents should be avoided where possible. I don’t care what the president of the United States says”

Local man seated near pub dartboard felt blood run cold as woman stepped up to the oche

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Avoiding the point. A man pictured watching a ladies darts match last night

A 54-year-old man who was seated close to a pub dartboard last week has told The Whelk that he felt a frisson of terror that chilled his very blood when a woman approached the oche and began removing a set of darts from a leather holder.

Toby Dell, a foundry worker from Vallance Road, told us: “I was enjoying a quiet pint after work when this woman came out of nowhere and began getting her darts out.

“I immediately realised that I was in danger of losing an eye or worse.

“As she prepared to launch the first dart, I considered getting under the table until she’d thrown all three but I didn’t want to appear scared so I pretended to go to the toilet and sneaked out of the door and went home instead.

“I’ve never felt fear like it, to be honest. When I got home, I was so shaken my wife thought I’d been mugged again”

Last year alone, 257 men were badly injured by women playing pub games. Darts accounted for the large majority. However, in March, a Bermondsey man was blinded by a woman playing shove halfpenny, and in July, three men needed hospital treatment for head injuries at The Royal London Hospital after being repeatedly struck by a group of middle-aged women playing skittles in The Admiral Nelson in Cripplegate.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Sorry about this one ladies. Our feature’s editor’s wife has divorced him and gained custody of the dog so he wanted an article that lashes out unfairly at females everywhere.

I’ll build bridge between Scotland and Ireland using Olly Murs’ big face says Boris

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In a surprise move, prime minister, Boris Johnson, last night announced that the proposed, controversial road and rail link between Scotland and Northern Ireland will open in just 6 months by using the huge face of pop icon Olly Murs to create a floating causeway between the two countries.

Speaking at a CBI dinner at The Guildhall in London, Johnson told businessmen: “A viable link between the two countries has long been an ambition of mine and something that would benefit the whole of the UK

“However, I’ve been told that there are a number of reasons why a project of this magnitude would present logistical problems.

“Not least the stormy seas in the area and the fact that over a million and a half tonnes of explosives were dumped there at the end of the last war.

“Therefore, to eradicate these difficulties, I have approached Olly Murs and have asked him if he would step into the breach, so to speak.

“He has kindly agreed to lie on his back between the two countries on a floating pontoon so that his enormous face can be used as the foundation for a road and rail link between Campbelltown in Scotland and the coast of County Antrim.

“Olly will be towed into position early next week where construction on a 4-lane motorway and a high-speed rail link will begin, with a view to completion around the end of August”.

The Dance With Me star appeared delighted when he spoke to newsmen last night: “Having my big face used to enhance Britain’s infrastructure is a tremendous honour and I can’t wait to get on that platform and be towed into position.

“The Prime Minister has told me that the motorway will be built across my enormous spam forehead, while the rail link will be routed across the middle of my face with a tunnel running through my nose.

“This will be achieved using hi-tec excavating equipment, although Mr Johnson has told me that some blasting using high explosives may be necessary to get through the tough cartilage that separates one nostril from the other.”

This project would be the first time that the face of a British pop star has been used in a major civil engineering project, although, in the United States in 1997, a six-lane freeway was constructed from Pensylvania to Alabama across the cheeks of Luther Vandross’s enormous arse.

Local man discovers Messala out of Ben Hur in Whitechapel pub

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A 37-year-old forklift truck engineer from Dock Street in Whitechapel has told The Whelk that he spotted the ruthless Roman Tribune, Messala, from the epic movie, Ben Hur, drinking in The Lord Rodney’s Head public house on Monday evening.

Toby Dell, married with four children, told us: “It was definitely him, I’m 100 per cent certain.

“He was wearing a toga and carrying a short sword like the one you saw him carrying in Ben Hur.

“I introduced myself and he seemed pleasant enough so I asked him if he fancied a game of darts and he agreed.

“However, he was a bit of a bad loser and drew his sword when I finished our last game of 501 on double 18.

“After he’d calmed down, we went back to the bar and I started asking him about the chariot race at the end of the film.

“He seemed to get the hump about that and started shouting the odds about how Ben Hur cheated and how he would have won easily if the Cypriot geezer in the pointy hat hadn’t cut him up badly on the 7th lap.

“In the end, the guvnor chucked him out for upsetting the other customers.

“The last I saw of him he was crossing the road and heading towards The Blind Beggar”

Mr Dell’s story comes just two weeks after a woman from neighbouring Bethnal Green claimed to have seen Cleopatra having a shampoo and set in the hairdressers in Cambridge Heath Road.

Prince Andrew to be busted down to cabin boy on 60th birthday

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In a break from royal tradition, the Royal Navy are going to demote Prince Andrew to ship’s cabin boy on his 60th birthday following allegations that the prince had unlawful sex with an underage girl at the home of the late convicted paedophile, Jeffrey Epstein.

It is traditional that members of the royal family receive 10-yearly promotions in the armed forces, irrespective of whether or not they are on active service.

However, a spokesman for the Royal Navy told newsmen that this would not be the case where Prince Andrew is concerned: “While the Royal Navy is a modern-thinking outfit, willing to embrace the sexual preferences of all who serve, we do draw the line at rewarding paedophiles.

“So with that in mind, we have decided to demote Prince Andrew from Rear Admiral to ships cabin boy 2nd class on the occasion of his 60th birthday.

“His duties will include; sweeping out the wardroom, making the captains bed, serving the men with their grog ration, carrying out the care and maintenance of the cat o’ nine tails, as well as stocking the medicine cupboard in the post-sodomy treatment room”

This announcement mirrors the treatment given to Andrew’s younger brother, Edward, who was busted down to Private 2nd Class during his spell in the Royal Marines after a copy of Altar Boys In Pantyhose was discovered in his locker during a routine inspection.

‘Cruel’ careers master advised one-armed pupil to become a wallpaper hanger

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A teacher at Whitechapel Academy school has come under fire from the board of governors and parents alike after he told a 15-year-old boy with only one arm that his best chance of success in life was to get a job as a wallpaper hanger in a firm of painters and decorators.

Careers advisor and maths teacher, Toby Dell, strenuously denied accusations that he was being deliberately cruel to the lad who lost an arm 4 years ago after being hit by a number 24 bus in Pimlico during a school trip to the Tate Modern art gallery.

Dell, 47, told The Whitechapel Whelk: “I utterly refute the allegation that I was being deliberately cruel or mischievous in any way, shape or form.

“This young man is notoriously idle in both his school work and his reluctance to get involved in sporting activities.

“For example, he has twice ignored my advice to join the basketball and hockey teams.

“I was firmly of the opinion that a career as a wallpaper hanger would liven the young sluggard up a bit”

Mr Dell also attracted criticism in 2012 when he told a one-legged female pupil that he would beat her easily in an arse-kicking contest.

Did Meghan tamper with ignition system on Queen’s Land Rover asks Daily Mail.

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The royal rumour mill was abuzz with conjecture last night after a gamekeeper on The Queen’s Sandringham estate revealed that Her Majesty had told him that her favourite Land Rover Defender was ‘running a bit lumpy’ following an early morning drive around the estate last week.

The Daily Mail newspaper is examining the theory that The Duchess of Sussex may have tampered with the ignition system on the vehicle in a malicious act designed to get her own back on The Queen for complaining to the press that she and Prince Harry are stepping back from their royal duties.

The Mail’s motoring correspondent lashed out furiously at The Duchess in his morning column: “It’s a nailed-on certainty that Meghan has done this to cause Her Majesty upset” he writes

“I’m convinced that she removed the distributor cap, re-gapped the points and altered the dwell angle.

“She almost certainly also loosened one or two HT leads on the sparkplugs just for good measure.

“The woman’s disrespect for our Monarchy seems to know no bounds to be honest.

“I’m not saying it’s because she’s black but it certainly can’t help, can it?”

In other news, the Daily Telegraph has accused Meghan of giving Prince George fleas after holding the royal youngster’s hand during a stroll in Green Park a year ago.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article contains no inference that the British right-wing media are being racist in the way they single out the Duchess for criticism. In our view, they treat all people of colour with equal disdain

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