The Whitechapel Whelk

Billion-dollar Space X launch delayed after it ‘gets a bit blowy’

Elon we have a problem. A dejected Space X astronaut walks away from his rocket yesterday

Cape Canaveral Wednesday 4.17 EST:  The eagerly anticipated launch of billionaire, Elon Musk’s Space X rocket ship was abandoned this afternoon when the latest forecast from the meteorological office predicted the chance of light winds and the prospect of a few scattered rain showers around launch time

A spokesman for NASA told newsmen: “The met boys are telling us that it could get a bit blowy with a few showers around blast-off time so we’re going to hold off until it clears up a bit.

“We just can’t run the risk of being blown off course and ending up in the wrong galaxy or Wisconsin after all the cash Mr Musk has shelled out on the project.

“Also, the rain could impede the astronaut’s vision through the windscreen and they could end up going the wrong way, especially if the wipers pack up.

“We’ll have another crack at it on Saturday when it’s supposed to be quite nice with a bit of broken cloud and a few sunny spells”

The delay wasn’t appreciated by President Trump and Vice-President Mike Pence, who had travelled from Washington to witness the launch of the first US space mission in 10-years.

“Trump launched a Twitter tirade against Musk, calling him, ‘a losing deadbeat’

While Pompeo was overheard ranting at a NASA scientist, accusing the mission control technicians and the astronauts of being, ‘a bunch of lousy fags”

This latest event is in stark contrast to Scotland’s highly-successful maiden space voyage last year when they launched, Buckfast One in the middle of a June blizzard with both astronauts 6-times over the drink/drive limit. 

Cummings was using ‘father’s instinct’ says Johnson after aide’s axe attack on son.

boris and cummings
Johnson and Cummings pictured during happier times

Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, last night threw his weight behind his under-fire, advisor, Dominic Cummings, after his arrest following a late-night axe attack on his 4-year-old son which left the youngster fighting for his life in a London hospital.

Speaking to newsmen outside No.10 Downing Street, Johnson, who had earlier staunchly defended Cummings’ lockdown breaching 260-mile trip to Durham with his wife and son while both parents were displaying covid-19 symptoms, said: “I have spoken to Dominic and he has assured me that, just like he did when he drove the lad halfway across the country during the lockdown,  he was acting purely from his fathers’ instinct and was using good old-fashioned British common sense when he went for the kid with the axe.

“In any case, the boy is expected to make a full recovery over the months, albeit with a few scars and minus his right arm.

“In my view, it will be character-building for the lad and it’s no worse than the rough and tumble antics that the new boys at Eton were subjected to during their first term.

“Indeed, I was flogged to the bone with a barbed cat o’ nine tails while red hot pokers were applied to my private parts on my first morning and look where I am today.

“So let’s forget this axe nonsense and get on with supporting our wonderful NHS and getting Brexit done”

Cummings was later seen leaving Number Ten, carrying a photo album marked, ‘Boris, Jennifer, and the English bull terrier.

PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust


PC Ted (New)

Evening all

Policing a diverse, sprawling city like London is often a very challenging and even hazardous business for a Met Police copper, particularly during these unprecedented times.

So when my team received a shout that a group of around fifty, anti-lockdown merchants were staging a group ‘hug-in’ in Hyde Park in direct contravention of lockdown directives we realised at once that we were going to be in for a tough time dealing with these unhinged chumps

When we arrived on the scene, a rowdy demo was already underway with banner-waving protestors shouting about 5G death rays causing covid-19 while milling around in close proximity to one another in clear breach of the social-distancing guidelines.

Realising that time was of the essence and that our beloved National Health Service was being put at risk by these clowns, we began wading in with our batons.

Taking absolutely no chances with public safety, we beat the absolute crap out of them before tossing them into the Serpentine to drown.

All-in-all, it was a highly successful operation and I celebrated on the way home after my shift by joining a lock-in at a boozer in Victoria Street with about twenty others where I drank around twelve pints of heavy before spewing my ring up over the barmaid.

I was later found sprawled in a shop doorway in a pool of sick and with my heavily-soiled trousers round my ankles by two colleagues from Ebury Street nick who took me down the cells where they hosed me down with freezing cold water and stole my wallet.

PC Ted is vice-chairman of the Metropolitan Liver Disease and Projectile Vomiting Appreciation Society

Hormonal woman slew husband with hatchet following tragic condensed milk error


A 47-year-old woman from Whitechapel in East London appeared at the Old Bailey yesterday accused of murdering her husband of 15-years with a hatchet after he had deliberately put condensed milk in her morning cup of coffee.

Tracy Dell, a hairdresser from Leman Street, told the court that she was suffering from mood swings bought about by the onset of the menopause and that her husband’s condensed milk aberration had pushed her over the edge.

Under cross-examination, Mrs Dell said: “When I tasted that coffee I knew at once that he’d put condensed milk in it.

“He used to put it in his own and would often suggest I try it myself as he claimed it made it more creamy.

“Well, I wasn’t having that so I went for him with the hatchet.

“Fortunately, the first swing almost severed his head, so he didn’t really feel it when I hacked off his arms and legs

” Normally, I’d have just thrown the cup at him, but given that I was a bit hormonal I decided to kill him instead. In my view, he had it coming”.

The judge presiding, Justice Mary Jade, gave Mrs Dell an absolute discharge and told her in her summing up: “You acted out of character and were clearly a victim of a chemical imbalance.

“You are now free to leave the court. However, I would suggest that you make it plain to any future partner that you only take semi-skimmed with your hot beverages to avoid any future murderous attacks”

Mrs Dell was then driven away from court in a taxi with a reporter from the monthly periodical, The Menopausal Mayhem Bugle.

I sexually harassed myself in the workplace says quarantined home-worker

That’s easy for them to say

A 47-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London has told this newspaper that he made lewd remarks and carried out a number of unwanted sexual advances towards himself while working from home under lockdown

Toby Dell, a graphics designer from Leman Street told us: “The first time it happened was when I tried to commit an inappropriate act with myself just two days after I’d started working from home

“I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the screen of my PC and realised for the first time how attractive I was.

“The next thing I knew, I felt my own hand on my knee. I tried slapping it away but I was very persistent and it began moving higher.

“I told myself to stop and that I wasn’t interested, but I refused to listen and began rubbing my private parts over my clothes.

“Before I could call out for help, I had tugged my penis from my trousers and had begun to masturbate furiously, eventually blowing my custard all over the screen and keyboard

“I then just cleaned up and carried on as if nothing untoward had happened

“I felt used and dirty and I just know that this will haunt me for the rest my life”

In other related news, a 32-year-old man from neighbouring Aldgate is taking himself to an industrial tribunal after being forced to make love to himself while he watched during a 7-day self-isolation period.

Local man cuts short visit to toilet following radio disaster

toilet 2

A 54-year-old man has told The WhitechapelWhelk that he curtailed an early morning bathroom visit last week after discovering that the small radio he normally listens to during a bowel movement wasn’t working due to a dead battery

Toby Dell from Leman Street told us: “I’d just finished a massive bowl of porridge and was settling down on the sofa to read the paper when I felt the need to have a clear-out.

“I settled myself down on the chodbin and went to switch on the radio to have a listen to BBC London FM only to find it was dead.

“I was absolutely gutted as I wanted to listen to the Vanessa Feltz Show while I dropped the kids off at the pool.

“Unfortunately, there was no way I could go out and get some new batteries as I’d already started and had the turtle’s head.

“I just got the job squared away in double-quick time and got the hell out.

“Next time I need an Eartha Kitt, I’ll turn the radio on first to make sure it’s working”

It is estimated that the average man spends up to thirty per cent of his life in the smallest room, reading newspapers or listening to the radio.

In some extreme cases, a small proportion of men have fitted a wall-mounted TV opposite the pan where they watch complete movies, or binge-watch popular TV series on Netflix,  like Game of Thrones or Peaky Blinders while they’re having a ‘pony and trap’.

EXTRA! Local Book in Reduced Price Horror


ted threesome
Ted Threesome. Just one of the unsavoury individuals you will encounter in this torrent of  satirical effluent.

In what the Metropolitan Police have described as ‘an act of heartless profiteering’, and, ‘a diabolical liberty’, an anthology of satire and hair-brained tripe has reduced its price by an unbelievable 50 per cent on the Amazon Kindle website.

The book, which sold more than ten copies in the United Kingdom and one in New Zealand (thanks dad), is believed to have ruthlessly slashed its own price under cover of darkness in a bid to exploit vulnerable self-isolators who are so sick of staring at the walls or each other that they will try anything to bring even the tiniest glimmer of diversion into their pent-up terror-stricken and angst-replete lives.

A spokesman for the book, Danny Soz from Whitechapel in East London, told Reuters news agency last night: “Sales had dried up a bit and we weren’t even making enough to even cover our ‘Executive Relief’ bill from the rub and tug shop in the high street, so to discover that the book has mysteriously slashed its own price in a cynical bid to wring a few more quid out of the punters is blinding news as far as we’re concerned’

The book can be seen by using the following link. Make sure you buy as many copies as you can afford so that the book and its associates will become so minted they won’t need to pull any more dodgy strokes like this one for a while.


Thanks very much

Condoleezza Rice Pulled The Plug Out In My Bath Before I’d Finished Claims Local Man

‘Condi’ pictured furiously denying the allegations last night

A middle-aged man from Whitechapel last night told a Whelk reporter that former US Secretary Of State, Condoleezza Rice, ran into his bathroom while he was in the tub and pulled the plug out before running off laughing.

Toby Dell, 42, said: “I had only just got into the bath and was about to begin washing my hair when the bathroom door flew open and Condoleezza Rice rushed in and pulled the plug out. 

“She looked crazed and extremely dishevelled and my first thought was that she’d been drinking.

“She then threw the plug against the wall and ran off laughing, and yelling: ‘How do you like them apples, you limey sonofabitch?’ 

I don’t mind admitting I was pretty shaken. I mean it’s not the sort of behaviour you’d expect from a woman of her standing is it?”

When Ms Rice was asked about the allegation as she left a Republican Party gathering in Washington DC last night, she looked shaken and said: “You’re kidding me right? Are you crazy? Why on earth would I do that?”

This is not the first time a prominent US political figure has allegedly interfered with the ablutions of an unsuspecting Londoner

In July of last year, a 50-year-old woman from neighbouring Bethnal Green, told police that former vice president Al Gore had yanked back her shower curtain before flicking repeatedly at her buttocks with a wet towel.

Covid-19 girl catches entire family masturbating


An 18-year-old girl from Whitechapel in East London who has been bedbound with coronavirus has told us that she came downstairs for the first time in 9-days and found her entire quarantined family, including her parents and grandparents, masturbating in front of the television as they watched a saucy movie.

Tracy Dell from Leman Street told The Whelk: “I’ll never forget it as long as I live

“I finally felt strong enough to get out of bed after 9-days with really bad covid, so I thought I’d come down and surprise everyone.

“I opened the lounge door and noticed that all the curtains were drawn and that the television was showing a hardcore sex scene involving at least five people.

“I then noticed that my entire family were semi-naked and were pleasuring themselves noisily as they watched the action.

“I was so shocked I let out a scream and they all started fumbling with their clothing.

“My mum jumped up really quickly, dragging her knickers up and smoothing down her dress.

“She tried to pretend nothing was wrong and came over to give me a hug, but I pulled away in disgust

“The only person in the room who didn’t react to me coming in was my grandad who’s deaf. He just carried on until he eventually blew his custard”

It is estimated that since lockdown began, over 20,000 litres of scalding spadge and fanny batter have been emitted from British self-isolators and elderly people practising shielding.

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