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The Whitechapel Whelk

SURVEY: Correct banana-peeling technique is internet’s greatest achievement

monkey_banana

A recent worldwide survey has revealed that the correct way to peel a banana, ‘like monkeys do’ is the most widely-learned online skill since the worldwide web became accessible to the average man in the street around twenty years ago.

A close second was learning how to hang wallpaper so that the pattern matches up, followed by the correct method and timing to use when poaching an egg so that it doesn’t end up as hard as tungsten steel or resembling a teenage boy’s spadge.

On the general knowledge front, Darwin’s theory of evolution emerged top, followed by knowing the approximate age of Coronation Street’s veteran actor, Ken Barlow and the fact that Donald Trump’s a massive arse hat.

Source: The Are You OK Hun Gazette

Honey Boo Boo Repaired My Car Claims Top Gear’s Jeremy Clarkson

Exclusive - Alana Thompson Competes in "The Sparkle & Shine Pageant"

In a surprise announcement, motoring guru and host of BBC’s Top Gear, Jeremy Clarkson, has told The Whitechapel Whelk that, Honey Boo Boo, the 6-year-old star of smash hit, US TV show, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, came to his assistance after the vintage Mini Cooper he was test-driving broke down two miles from his Hampshire home.

Clarkson told our motoring correspondent: “The car was behaving perfectly, until, all of a sudden, the engine began misfiring before eventually cutting out.

“I had a look under the bonnet, but as everybody knows, I’m hopeless mechanically and can barely work out how to empty the ashtrays, so I was a bit flummoxed to say the least.

“As I stood there staring forlornly into the engine bay I heard a small voice pipe up from behind me “Hey mister, y’all havin’ a problem there?”

“To my surprise, I saw it was none other than Honey Boo Boo out of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

“I explained what the problem was, and without further ado, she opened a little pink toolbag she was carrying, took out a sequinned flat-blade screwdriver along with a diamante studded feeler gauge and began to tinker under the bonnet.

“After no more than 10 minutes she said: “Ok mister, that outta do it. Y’all can turn over the engine now”

“To my delight, the engine fired up immediately and began idling beautifully at around 850-900 rpm.

“Honey Boo Boo then explained that she’d adjusted the dwell angle of the contact breaker points and increased the electrode gap from 12/1000th of an inch to a far more suitable 16/1000th to eliminate a pre-ignition problem.

“Naturally, I offered to recompense the diminutive redneck youngster for her kindness, but she flatly refused to take a penny from me, saying: “Mama June done tole me not to tek no money from strangers.

“She done tole me that there’s some mighty strange sonsobitches out there and that if ah see me one, ah have to git while the gittin’s good and tell the deputy”

A spokesperson for the BBC said last night “We’re absolutely delighted that Honey Boo Boo came to Jeremy’s aid, although to be honest, it’s no more than we’d have expected from the inbred little madam.”

Clarkson’s revelation mirrors an incident in 1963 when TV cooking guru, Fanny Craddock had a slipping differential repaired at the roadside by Jed Clampett out of The Beverly Hillbillies.

Now Trump’s gone, Bill Gates and I can drink children’s blood with no more fear, says Tom Hanks

ha

Hollywood superstar, Tom Hanks has expressed relief that Donald Trump has lost the race for the presidency, claiming that Trump’s tireless crusade to stop him drinking kidnapped children’s blood supplied by billionaire Microsoft magnate, Bill Gates, has caused him many sleepless nights throughout the last four years.

“President Trump has been a massive problem for both myself and Bill”, he told The Washington Post.

“Bill sends me regular consignments of blood which he personally syphons from kidnapped orphans that he keeps in tunnels beneath the streets of London.

“Thanks to him I manage to remain youthful-looking, which not only helps me to get roles that call for a man half my age but it also comes in mighty handy for getting next to the young pussy.

“The QAnon movement, led by Trump has really cramped our style with their tireless crusade to free orphan ass, but now that Joe is taking over we’ll be able to drink our fill and maybe even chow down on some tender, underage flesh too”

A spokesman for the Trump organisation said last night: “The President can’t comment right now. In fact, nobody even knows where’s he’s at.

“He was supposed to be at a Veteran’s With Bonespurs rally yesterday but both he and Airforce One are missing.

“Maybe he took off for a weekend of golf to remind himself of how things used to be when he was in office”

More as we get it.

BREAKING: Buckingham Palace deny ‘unseemly’ celebrations following US election outcome

trump blimp with queen (2)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Due to the coronavirus pandemic, there will be no Saturday edition of The Whitechapel Whelk. This has nothing to do with the fact that we’re going to be on the lash in The Blind Beggar tonight, celebrating the cleansing of the shit stain that has fouled the Oval Office for the last four years. Oh no. That’s not going to be the case at all.

Local man disappointed to discover dad was Gestapo torture fiend

gestapo
Mr Dell’s dad pictured with a friend at The Wolf’s Lair in 1941

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that a recent search on a genealogy site has revealed that his late father was a brutal torturer in the feared Nazi secret police, the Gestapo.

Speaking to a Whelk reporter yesterday, Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver from Bucks Row, said: “I recently joined a website that promises to discover your ancestors going right back to the Middle Ages.

“As you can imagine, I was pretty disappointed to find out that my dad was a massive Nazi who tortured people in a dungeon underneath a castle in Bavaria.

“Apparently, he used to administer electric shocks to people’s private parts and wasn’t averse to using mediaeval instruments of torture, including the Iron Maiden and The Rack, to make people confess to being spies or Jewish.

“It’s a real sickener for me as mum always told me he was in The Home Guard during the war”

Dell’s revelations come just two weeks after another family tree-investigator, a 35-year-old woman from Shoreditch, discovered that her grandmother was the notorious, Beast Of Belsen.

THE WHITECHAPEL MUG FACTORY PROUDLY PRESENTS

prince andrew mug

Each commemorative mug is lovingly crafted by Bangladeshi slave kids who work 18-hours a day to perfect their craft.

Made from 100% pottery, these exquisite tea mugs can hold almost a third of a pint of your favourite brew.

Just don’t use boiling water or all bets are off breakage-wise.

So celebrate the special bond between these two wonderful human beings and raise a cheery mugful of Darjeeling to their time spent together roaring up underage children on a desert island.

Each mug normally retails at two hundred pounds each, but if you take advantage of our special Autumn offer, we’ll give you two for four hundred pounds without anything else thrown in free!

Send your cash money or bankers draft to:

The Whitechapel Mint, C/O The Blind Beggar Public House, Whitechapel E1

DISCLAIMER: I’m a thick-as-shit royalist who will buy anything if it’s got a member of the royal family’s dial on it. I fully understand that I may not receive a mug nor anything else for my money, and that if I complain I stand  more than a 50/50 chance of getting a really good clumping down a dark alley or in the comfort of my own home.

Signed…

Donald Trump used anti-5G lamppost to save my children from paedo terror, says local woman

trump pie chart

A 35-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that the reason her three youngsters haven’t been abducted by a paedophile gang is down to a recently installed lamppost in her street which she claims was commissioned by US President Donald Trump, primarily to ward off death-dealing 5G covid-19 rays being emitted from the other lampposts and also her microwave oven.

Tracy Dell, a housewife and mother of three told us: “I live in fear of my kids being abducted by paedos, but thanks to President Trump’s anti-5G lamppost, they have all remained safe.

“It was only installed a few months back but I knew immediately it was a Trump lamppost because it had a bit of orange paint on it that set it apart from the others, in the same way that Donald’s skin makes it easier to distinguish him from his wife and Mike Pence who are much whiter.

“Since that lampost went up not one of my kids has been kidnapped by nonces, nor have any of them contracted 5G-generated covid, although my hubby died from it last week.

“I can’t thank the president enough and have written to him at The White House and have also sent letters to Amanda Holden and Eamon Holmes off the telly, as I know they’re just as scared of 5G covid rays as I am”

Mrs Dell’s assertion comes just five days after a man from neighbouring Stepney complained that Bill Gates was syphoning blood from his 4-year-old cat and giving it to Tom Hanks so that the star could drink it in a bid to stay young-looking.

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece it might be an idea to give your head a bit of a wobble, or failing that, to throw yourself in the Thames with an anvil chained around your neck – Ed.

BREAKING: FBI SEIZE TRUMP’S LAPTOP

 

trumps laptop

Federal agents were also seen leaving The White House carrying copies of My Very First Pop-up Book Of Farmyard Animals and a box containing a number of brightly coloured wooden bricks.

More as we get it.

Ask Danny Dumplings: The TV Chef and Overly-Violent Marriage Guidance Guru You Can Trust

Clivey TV Chef

Pic by ‘Inchcock’ ©

Dear Danny

I’m a 25-year-old recently married woman. However, I suspect my husband is cheating on me with a local dominatrix.

He constantly rejects me in bed and I’ve recently noticed a number of livid weals on his back that look as if they’ve been caused by a whip of some description.

My suspicions were aroused the other day when I found a business card in his trouser pocket advertising the services of a woman in a leather catsuit calling herself Annabelle Anguish.

He has also converted the garden shed into a makeshift dungeon and spends hours in there, hanging upside down lashed to a cross.

I’ve tried talking to him about saving our marriage but I can’t understand his replies as his voice is indistinct through his PVC gimp mask and ball-gag.

Please help if you can Danny as I still love him despite the fact that he’s become a weapons-grade sicko whose disgusting practices make me want to throw up.

Tracy Dell

Whitechapel E1


Dear Tracy

Try making him one of my speciality bread and butter puddings – the recipe can be found on my website – then, while he’s tucking into the delicious dessert, force a spiked rolling pin into his bottom until you can no longer see the handle.

If that doesn’t put him off the sado-masochistic lifestyle then I don’t know what will.

Kind Regards

Danny Dumplings

Danny Dumplings is the acting vice-chairman of The East London Grievous Bodily Gourmet Association

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