The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888


The Whitechapel Whelk

‘I’ll eat my own body weight in jellied eels to mark Platinum Jubilee’, vows fired-up Fergie

Fergie pictured posing for our snapper outside The Whelk offices in Whitechapel Road last night

Ex-royal, Sarah Ferguson, last night told The Whitechapel Whelk that she will consume her own body weight in jellied eels and mash to commemorate The Queen’s Platinum Jubilee next Saturday.

Despite being ostracised by The Royal Family after her divorce from Prince Andrew, Fergie has always remained staunchly loyal to Her Majesty and the monarchy in general.

‘Despite everything, I love The Queen’ she told us yesterday.

‘She may not talk to me these days but she’s still number one in my book and the least I can do to honour her seventy years on the throne is to wolf down my entire bodyweight in eels and mash.

‘I’ll make a start bright and early next Saturday at Kelly’s Eel and Pie Shop in Roman Road and won’t stop until the governor tells me I’ve tucked away the requisite amount.

‘I’ve worked out that if I start when they open at lunchtime I should finish about 4.00 pm, taking into account any visits to the ladies for a shit’

A spokesman for Kelly’s told us last night: ‘If she’s going to eat her own weight in eels I’ll make sure our suppliers send in an extra lorry load as she was always a big old sort even when she was with Andy, so gawd alone knows what she weighs nowadays’

In 2019, Fergie marked the 75th anniversary of D-Day by eating twenty-seven ‘Yumbo Jumbo’ stuffed crust pizzas at Papa John’s in London Bridge Road, washing each one down with a one-litre bottle of R. White’s Cream Soda.

Song Lyrics for Intellectuals

THIS WEEK: Honky Tonk Women – The Rolling Stones

honky tonk woman

More lyrics for brainiacs in just a few moments…

Local Couple Enjoyed Sizzling Romp While Download Wizard Watched


A 50-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she had sex with her husband in front of their laptop computer while downloading the popular Mozilla Firefox browser.

Tracy Dell, a shop worker from Vallance Road, told us: “My husband Toby and I have always been pretty adventurous when it comes to our love life, so when he suggested getting down to it during a Firefox download, I was all for it.

“It happened last Saturday night and I’ll never forget it as long as I live. It was so intense and dangerous, and yet it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

“Toby went out and got some fish and chips while I went upstairs and put on my French maid’s outfit.

“We washed down the fish supper with a few cans and then Toby put the laptop on the coffee table facing us and began the download

“We kissed passionately and then started going at it full pelt in front of the screen.

“The knowledge that the Firefox wizard was downloading the file just a few feet away while we were at it hammer and tongs was delicious, and although Toby had to keep getting up to click on various prompts, it was the most thrillingly erotic experience of our lives”

A spokesman for Mozilla told us: “It’s ridiculous to think that our wizard can see what’s going on in people’s houses during a download, although we have to say that Mrs Dell has a pretty decent rack on her for a woman of her age”

Comrades!: An Everyday Story of Heroic Soviet Folk



 The temperature dipped a bit today. When we thawed out the thermometer it read -35.C. Heroic Comrade Cat is missing. We await his glorious return.

“Winter draws on” said Comrade Wife. – I thought that she’d put them on at the start of November! Still, we have a roaring bar on the electric fire and plenty of electricity to power it thanks to our glorious state energy produc…



Comrade Wife has injured herself by slipping on a frozen cow-pat at the collective farm and will be off work for 2 weeks. The doctor has told her to take things easy. I have thoughtfully advised her to take her wheeled shopping trolley with her when she sets off on the ten-kilometre journey through the snow to get my vodka from the market in Voldosgrad. It was touching to see the tears of gratitude well up in her eyes. Still no sign of heroic, Comrade Cat


comrades dancing large


Had a nice quiet night in with Comrade Wife last night. We settled down in front of the TV to watch a heroic, 2-hour display of Cossack dancing by the 731st Infantry Regiment, followed by, ‘Denounce Your Traitorous Neighbour,’ hosted by ‘Cheeky’ Colonel Boranavich from the 21st Moscow NKVD death squad. How the poor downtrodden workers of The West must envy our cultural superiority. Have sent Children #3 and #7 out into snow to search for Comrade Cat



Spectacular display of the Northern Lights last night. We were totally spell-bound as we looked out of the hole in the wall where the window used to be; marvelling at the coloured beams of light swirling in every direction. How foolish we felt when, this morning, Mr Danolski from downstairs told us that it was actually the local nuclear power station going into melt-down. Comrade wife and myself seem to have developed a slight rash. Still no sign of Children #3 and #7 or Comrade Cat.


comrades tractor girl


Joyous news comrades! Heroic Comrade Cat has returned!. All of the family are delighted to see him as we’ve been worried for weeks. There will be special celebratory roast dinner tonight as he has brought a mouse back with him. Have sent Children #2 and #9 out to search for heroic siblings.


comrades 5


Beetroot gruel supply now dangerously low. Comrade Cat has gone missing again.

“Comrades” was devised and written circa 2010 on a tight budget by decadent plutocrat and Whelk editor, Danny SoZ and western imperialist hyena, Gary Moore

Local women knifed husband after disappointing dolphin-spotting trip

Dolphins pictured in full view last night

A 54-year-old woman from Whitechapel repeatedly stabbed her husband with a kitchen knife after a holiday, dolphin-spotting boat trip ended in failure an Old Bailey court heard yesterday.

Tracy Dell, a hairdresser from Berner Street, plunged the nine-inch blade into the chest and abdomen of her husband, Toby, after the boat trip’s quest for dolphin sightings off the coast of The Algarve in Portugal proved fruitless.

Mrs Dell admitted to the offences of attempted murder and assault causing grievous bodily harm but claimed mitigating circumstances.

Under cross-examination from prosecuting counsel, Carter Shay QC, Mrs Dell told the court:

‘When he booked that boat trip he told me that we’d definitely see dolphins.

‘I was really looking forward to seeing them in the wild and not on the telly.

It was going to be the highlight of our holiday, so when we didn’t see any I was gutted and went for him with the knife when we got back to our apartment.

‘Anyone would have done the same in my shoes’ she insisted before leaving the witness box.

Giving Mrs Dell a six-month suspended sentence, Judge Helen Galsworthy, told her: ‘While I recognise that you were sorely provoked and that your husband failed you in every way imaginable, I cannot, in all good conscience, condone your actions in this instance.

‘A good beating with a frying pan, combined with the complete withdrawal of conjugal favours for life would have been more than adequate given the severity of this man’s pathetic and utter failure to deliver on a concrete assurance’

In 2010, Judge Shay came in for public and media criticism after awarding a woman from Cripplegate in East London, five hundred pounds from the public purse after she killed and subsequently dismembered the corpse of her husband who took her on a holiday jeep safari in Nairobi that failed to come across any giraffes.

Russia cuts off gas supply to Number 27 Leman Street in Whitechapel

Zilchski. The Dell’s meter pictured on empty last night

In a shock move, seen as a reprisal measure for Britain’s continued military and political support for Ukraine, Russia last night announced that they will cut off the supply of gas to Number 27 Leman Street in the London district of Whitechapel from midnight tonight.

In a press release last night, the Russians made their position clear: ‘In view of Britain’s support for the rogue state of Ukraine, Russia will now cut off the gas to 27 Leman Street and if we could, we’d cut off their electric too’

The residents of the property are Mr and Mrs Toby Dell, both aged 54.

Mr Dell told newsmen: ‘This is a bit of a blow as our combi-boiler is gas-fired as is our central heating.

‘However, we will continue to support Ukraine in the war despite this move.

‘We will get round it by going to the wife’s mother’s place for our baths and a bit of a warm-up if it gets nippy in the evenings.’

This latest move by The Kremlin comes two weeks after a retaliatory Russian missile strike on the South London district of Bermondsey left thirty people homeless and over one million pounds worth of improvements in its wake.

Local Facebooker takes long hard look at himself


A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has taken a good, long hard look at himself after he spotted the instruction on the timeline of one of his Facebook friends.

Toby Dell, a gravity die-caster from Berner Street, told The East London Gazette: ‘There’s a woman on my list who is constantly saying that some people should take a good, long hard look at themselves.

‘She never aims this at any specific person, it’s just random and could apply to anyone.

‘To be honest, she’s a bit of a pain in the arse and seems to think everybody’s gunning for her but I thought I’d have a quick check in case she meant me.

‘I stood in front of the hall mirror and looked really hard at myself for around five minutes.

‘To be honest, I didn’t spot anything particularly shocking or even interesting.

‘I noticed I’d missed a bit under my lower lip when shaving that morning and that my nose hair could do with a tidy up but that was about it really.

‘I’m going to private message the woman and tell her that I’ve done as she asked but with not much joy.

‘Hopefully, she’ll now exclude me specifically from the instruction in future posts.’

It is estimated that over three million passive/aggressive instructions like this one are issued every hour on Facebook along with requests for people to look at their manky-looking dog, utterly unappetising dinner, or alarmingly ugly child.

I’ve been a sub-dom non-tax paying UK citizen for thirty years, says Jacob Rees-Mogg

Jacob speaking latin

Following on from the furore surrounding Chancellor Rishi Sunak’s wife’s non-dom tax avoidance status, The Leader of The House of Commons, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has told a newspaper that he’s been a non-tax-paying practitioner of a deviant sexual practice involving bondage and flagellation, colloquially referred to as submission/domination, or, sub/dom for short.

Speaking in The Sunday Times, Mogg, a devout Catholic, admitted: ‘I’ve been involved in the sub/dom world pretty much since I left Eton forty or so years back.

‘I think it’s a public school thing, to be honest.

‘We used to flog the younger boys regularly, and, on occasion, would get them to return the favour.

‘I opened a sub/dom bawdy house in St James’s after leaving school and ran the entire show for thirty years at a handsome profit without paying a penny in income tax.

‘I now fully intend to recompense the exchequer for the full amount and shall be asking my mistress in Pimlico to flog me to the bone by way of penance.’

Rees-Mogg was reprimanded by the Government Chief Whip in nineteen ninety-seven for asking a female House of Commons staff member to beat him bloody with a barbed scourge in the ladies’ toilets.

Local man embarked on killing spree following ‘comfortable trousers’ letdown

Some trousers pictured earlier

A 54-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London went on a murderous killing spree after a pair of trousers he’d ordered from a catalogue purporting to be, ‘The most comfortable trousers you will ever buy’, failed to live up to the claim.

After trying them on and finding them slightly less comfortable than a pair he’d bought in Roman Road Market in the 1980s, Toby Dell, a diesel fitter from Dock Street, raced from his house and attacked twelve people with a steel tent pole, killing five and leaving seven others badly injured.

Dell told an Old Bailey jury yesterday: ‘The trousers were a disgrace and utterly failed to live up to the claim that they would be the most comfortable I’d ever purchased.

‘They were a bit tight for one thing and the turnups flapped around my ankles in a manner that I never experienced with the other trousers I bought in Roman Road in 1987.

‘I suppose I just lost my head but anyone else would have done the same given the circumstances.’

Sentencing Dell to a whole life tariff, Mr Justice Tracy-Carter told the defendant: ‘While I agree that your patience may have been sorely tested by these trousers it is completely unacceptable that you should kill innocent people to assuage your annoyance.

‘Society deserves to be protected from you and from anyone else who sees fit to kill people due to an uncomfortable or otherwise ill-fitting garment’

In 2012, a woman from neighbouring Shoreditch killed her entire family, including her grandparents, with a machete after a blouse she had ordered from Freeman’s catalogue was found to be a bit tight under the arms.

Blog at

Up ↑