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Britain and EU call truce to play lunchtime football match

 

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Theresa May and her wingman, Stephen “Ginger” Barclay, pictured on their way to Europe for Brexit talks yesterday

The warring factions of Great Britain and the European Union called a brief truce at noon yesterday to share food and drink with each other and to play a game of 13-a-side football on the green outside the European Parliament in Strasbourg.

Members of both negotiating teams, including British prime minister, Theresa May and European Council President, Donald Tusk, approached each other tentatively outside the parliament building following a morning spent at loggerheads over Mrs May’s proposal to make changes to the Irish backstop agreement.

The protagonists then shook hands briefly before sharing their packed lunches and other refreshments.

At one point, the British produced a case of Spitfire Kentish Ale and handed out cans to their opposite numbers, while the Europeans opened bottles of wine and lager to share with their British counterparts.

Then, amid laughter and some good-natured catcalls, an old leather football was produced and a rather shambolic soccer match began, which the Brits won 4-2 after a controversial late effort from Brexit Secretary, Stephen Barclay, struck the crossbar and bounced down just behind the goal line.

It was a hard-fought but good-natured affair for the most part. However, the game ended on a sour note after European Chief Negotiator, Michel Barnier, clattered Mrs May on the halfway line in injury time.

The two then squared up and there was some pushing and shoving, with Barnier calling the British Prime Minister, a “lanky Little Englander”, which May countered by calling the Frenchman, “an intransigent Frog twat.”

The Whelk’s Wonderful Worldwide World of Politics

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DISCLAIMER: No Old Etonian toffs or silly dancers were harmed during the conception and construction of this meme – Ed

Storm as elderly EU residents told to pay to become whining, geriatric, Brit xenophobes

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Filthy European Union scum pictured celebrating the arrival of another fat benefits cheque

Theresa May’s government came under fire last night following an announcement in The Commons that European Union citizens over the age of 60 living in this country will have to pay a £70 fee and undergo a written and oral examination in order to become fully accepted as whining geriatric racists like the vast majority of their indigenous British counterparts.

The test will include sections on writing xenophobic letters to newspapers, tutting loudly when there are foreigners in the doctor’s waiting room, complaining in a loud voice about there being, ‘far too many darkies in the country’, in the queue at the post office, and pushing parcels containing dog shit through the letterboxes of anybody not born in England.

A Home Office spokesman said last night: “If these people wish to be accepted as small-minded, mean-spirited Little Englanders like the rest of us, this government feels that they should have to meet certain standards and pay for the privilege while they’re about it”

By way of a concession to EU residents, Mrs May did announce yesterday that the government would be waiving the proposed so-called £60, settlement fee, although foreign nationals will be made to stand at the end of the queue for their bowl of thin gruel at feeding stations in the event of Britain crashing out with no deal.

I would have built a bigly electric wall around Britain: Trump’s unveils bold Brexit plan

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In a TV interview with fellow, prize irritant, Piers Morgan, US President, Donald Trump has revealed, that were he the Prime Minister of Great Britain, he would have handled Britain’s departure from the European Union in a far more robust fashion than the current Downing Street incumbent, Theresa May.

“For starters, I would have built a wall around your country,” he told Morgan. “A bigly, electrified wall that would have kept the bad guys out. There are some very bad guys in Europe, trust me.

“I went there once and two hookers busted into my apartment and demanded that I allow them to urinate on me. I had to call the cops to have them hauled out of there. These are not good people”

“Secondly, I would have brought over some of our beautiful, United States Airforce,  invisible planes to shoot down any European airplanes that tried to fly over the wall. Bad people will try to do bad stuff and this would stop them. No question”

Trump is due to visit the UK in late November, a trip that has sparked controversy in a number of quarters, with many Brits already beginning to store bottles of urine in their sheds in readiness for the big day.

Theresa May attacks Piers Morgan with a hammer in “cynical” bid to boost popularity rating

 

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Insufferable twat Morgan pictured in happier times before the PM brained him with a claw hammer

 

An early morning hammer attack by Prime Minister, Theresa May, on ITV breakfast show host, Piers Morgan, was being labelled in some quarters as a desperate bid to boost her flagging popularity ratings, following a disastrous performance in the recent election and a widely-criticised appearance at the scene of last week’s Grenfell Tower disaster.

According to eye-witnesses, Mrs May, confronted Morgan outside the ITV studio in central London at 7.00am this morning and was heard to shout: “Have some of this you fat turd” before dealing him a number of hefty blows to the head with a claw hammer.

May was eventually restrained by Morgan’s Good Mornng co-presenter, Susanna Reid, who dragged her away, shouting: “Just leave it Theresa. He’s not worth it”

Opposition leader, Jeremy Corbyn, last night poured scorn on what he called a “cynical attempt to curry favour with the people of this country.”

Corbyn then told reporters that he is flying to New York on a goodwill mission later in the week where he plans to wait outside the Fox News studios for controversial media personality, Katie Hopkins, and go for her with an axe.

A spokesman at The Royal London Hospital, where Morgan is being treated, told waiting reporters that Morgan is “refreshingly critical and not expected to last the night with a bit of luck”

BREAKING: Terror Alert in London Raised To “Shitting Hot Conkers”

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Prime Minister, Theresa May, last night announced that the terror alert in London has now been raised from, “Critical”, which means that a terrorist attack may be imminent, to, “Shitting Hot Conkers”, which means that Londoners shouldn’t bother starting to watch any serials on television or purchase any long-playing records.

Mrs May told The House of Commons in an emergency session last night: “People living in London are pretty much doomed in all honesty. There’s not a lot we can do about it other than to raise the alert another level and keep our fingers crossed for the poor sods”

This move puts Londoners under the highest terror setting since the infamous, “We’re Absolutely, F******g Bricking It!” alert that was issued during The Blitz in 1940.

Trump may have consumed his own weight in bodily fluids mixed into his food by kitchen staff, claims report

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According to a recent report, under-fire United States President, Donald Trump, may have consumed the equivalent of his entire body weight in bodily fluids that have been mixed into his food by irate kitchen staff at restaurants where the deeply unpopular president has dined since he entered The White House in January.

Fluids, including, saliva, sweat, diarrhoea, urine, and even semen are believed to have been added to his food by various waiters and cooks since Trump took office, particularly by those of Mexican, Middle Eastern and Korean extraction.

The report, issued last week by Boston University, publishes the findings of a survey conducted amongst various members of hotel staff who claimed to have contaminated the president’s meals with their bodily secretions.

These include a chef at the plush, Mar-A-Lago complex in Palm Beach, Florida, who claims that he urinated in Trump’s duck a l’orange, a waiter who masturbated into the mixture for his creme caramel, and a female cleaner who said she had wrung out the mop she had just used to swab a heavily-soiled toilet floor into Trump’s brown windsor soup.

Just hours after the report was published, Trump took to Twitter and appeared to laugh off the findings “The failing Boston University are claiming that I have inadvertently consumed urine. That’s a bigly lie my friends. Donald J Trump has never done anything like that without paying for it first”

These latest findings come just a week after British Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, was accused by Prime Minister, Theresa May, of spitting into her mashed potatoes as they queued for their dinners in The House of Commons canteen last Wednesday afternoon.

Whelk Exclusive: May will ask Trump to force Mexicans to pay for her new immersion heater element.

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In her element: May set to put Mexican president in hot water.

from our political editor and plumbing supplies correspondent, Danny SoZ

The Whitechapel Whelk has learned, that during today’s meeting with United States President, Donald Trump, Prime Minister, Theresa May will be requesting that he forces the Mexican government to pay for a replacement immersion heater element that her husband, Philip, fitted in the hot water tank in the airing cupboard at 10 Downing Street at the weekend.

A Number Ten insider told us: “Mrs May has indicated that she will ask the president to insist that the Mexican government pay in full for the new element which cost £11.78 at Plumbwell in Pimlico.

“The Prime Minister wishes it to be known, that although she is fully prepared to prostrate herself and grovel before a self-confessed sex offender, a sociopathic crypto-fascist and torture advocate in order to get a few economic crumbs from his table, she is adamant that  Mr Trump must force the Mexicans to stump up the full cost of the element using all the means at his disposal, up to and including, waterboarding the Mexican president and the use of nuclear weapons”

When we confronted Mrs May as she left Number 10 for the airport earlier she remained tight-lipped about the proposal, saying only that she was, “very much looking forward to meeting the president” and that she was, “sure the talks will be beneficial to both countries”

Her husband, who is accompanying Mrs May on the trip, was seen stepping into the official limousine carrying a plastic bag with a burnt out immersion element clearly protruding from the top.

Political commentators are now speculating that he’s taking the old element to prove to Mr Trump they’re not trying to pull a fast one.

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