The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888


Toby Dell

Vast majority of men who exchange heart emoticons on Facebook extremely likely to use male moisturising products, claims study

male moist poof

A recent study by Cambridge University has revealed that male Facebook users who routinely post heart emoticons on comments or status updates from other men are extremely likely to use male grooming products, in particular, moisturising cream.

Professor Tobias Dell, who led the two-year-long study, told New Scientist magazine: “Our results clearly show that men who routinely exchange love heart emoticons on the Facebook platform are almost certainly regular users of male grooming products, especially moisturiser, although some were also shown to habitually use skin-toning or rejuvenating products, particularly ones that smell of flowers and things of that nature”

These findings come hot on the heels of a recent survey by Yale University in The United States which revealed that the habitual exchanging of social media love hearts between adult males has led to a huge surge in demand for erectile dysfunction treatment and also a marked increase in men who openly admit to enjoying ballet, crochet, and having lengthy discussions with their partner on their relationship and where they think it may be going further on down the line.

Slain shop worker who varied speed of floor polisher ‘had it coming’, says accused local man

floor polisher

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday told an Old Bailey jury that he killed an employee in his local Lidl supermarket by beating him over the head with a can of corned beef after the worker had annoyed him by varying the speed of his floor polishing machine as he approached from behind.

Toby Dell, a gravity die-caster from Commercial Street, told the court.

“I was walking along the fruit and veg aisle when I heard the humming of the polishing machine behind me.

“I immediately became annoyed because I realised that I would have to manoeuvre my trolley to one side of the aisle to allow this individual to get past.

“However, instead of just getting it over with, he kept pushing the machine fairly close and then slowing down again.

“I took this as a deliberate attempt to harass me and turned around to confront the man and have it out with him there and then.

“To my utter fury, he had gone through a gap in the counters and had started polishing the aisle adjacent to the one I was standing in.

“At this point, I lost control. I seized a tin of Newgate, Argentinian corned beef from the shelf and started beating him over the head with it.

“It was never really my intention to kill him even though he had it coming as far as I was concerned.

“In my view, floor cleaning should be done outside of opening hours to spare innocent shoppers from undergoing the kind of trauma I was subjected to.”

Dell was found guilty by unanimous verdict and sentenced to life imprisonment with a recommendation that he serves a minimum of twenty-five years.

As he was led from the dock, Dell struggled with police officers and yelled: “He’s lucky we weren’t in the fresh baked bread area or I’d have shoved his head in the f*****g oven”

Local man felt brief and very fleeting interest in girlfriend’s relationship discussion 

boy girl

A 35-year-old man from Whitechapel last night claimed to have experienced a brief moment of vague interest during a heart to heart talk with his girlfriend, who wished to discuss where their relationship was going.

Toby Dell, a motor vehicle technician from Berner Street revealed:

“It was last Saturday night and I was looking forward to Match Of The Day when my girlfriend, suddenly and without warning, began to discuss our relationship and her hopes and fears for our future together.

“Naturally, I zoned out immediately and started wondering about the number of cans of beer I had left in the fridge. I even got up and checked at one point to set my mind at rest.

“However, as soon as I sat back down she began talking about how our relationship had developed over the last year and how she hoped we could move up to a new level if we really committed to each other and learned to concentrate on the important things.

“It was when she began to reminisce about how we’d first met that I suddenly felt a fleeting moment of interest.

“I began to vaguely recall how I’d dumped my previous girlfriend to take up with her, and started to wonder if I still had those pics of my ex in her underwear on my phone.

“I had a quick check to make sure and fortunately, they were still there. I sighed with relief and began to mentally go over the day’s football results as my girlfriend moved on to how she sometimes felt taken for granted and unimportant.

“Luckily, she had just started to talk about her best friend’s wonderful relationship, and how she and her fiance were planning a June wedding, when the match started and I was able to send her out to get me another beer while I put the headphones on to listen to the commentary in peace”

This latest revelation comes just two weeks after a man from Sheffield claimed to have expressed a half-hearted opinion on interior decor when his girlfriend told him she was thinking of painting the downstairs toilet.

Local man who left supermarket trolley slewed across aisle found slain

See the source image

Police made a grisly discovery around the back of a branch of a supermarket in Whitechapel last night after a woman reported what she thought was a body lying in a loading bay.

The body of a 54-year-old man with multiple stab wounds was later removed from the scene and taken to a local morgue for forensic examination.

The woman who found the body told a Whelk reporter that she recognised the deceased as a man who had previously caused a rowdy scene in the supermarket earlier that day by leaving his trolley slewed across an aisle while he perused the shelves for purchases.

Tracy Dell, 52, said: “This bloke seemed to think it was perfectly ok to block the aisle with his trolley while he faffed about looking for stuff on the shelves.

“People were getting really cheesed off, including my husband Toby, who told him he was going to wait for him outside and give him a good clumping.

“It looks like somebody beat him to it, although I haven’t been able to tell Toby about it yet as he’s gone on holiday to The Faroe Islands.

“I wouldn’t mind but he didn’t even ask me to come. He just said he was going on a whim and to tell the police he was dead if they came round asking questions.”

This latest incident comes just two weeks after a 40-year-old Shoreditch man was decapitated with a hatchet at the checkout by an angry customer who had become fed up with waiting for the dead man to find his money-off coupons while paying at the till.

My hatred for dithering old lady in post office exceeded that of Achilles towards Hector, says local man



A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that the naked and unfettered hatred he felt towards an elderly lady who kept him waiting in line at the post office exceeded the burning loathing that the Ancient Greek hero, Achilles, felt towards Hector, after the Trojan hero had slain Achilles’ beloved cousin, Patrocles.

Toby Dell, a diesel-fitter from Commercial Street, told us: “I had been in that queue for half an hour at least and had just got to the front, apart from this old lady who started dithering at the counter.

“She seemed to have forgotten what she came in for and was quizzing the woman at the counter as to what it could be.

“I felt this towering rage building inside of me along with the realisation that I wanted this old biddy dead and fast.

“I knew it was wrong but at that point my murderous rage was far in excess of that felt by mighty Achilles towards Hector after finding out that the Trojan warrior had slain Patrocles in battle and stolen his armour.

“Make no mistake, if I’d had a sword and chariot handy, I would cheerfully have hacked the old trout to death and then tethered her naked body to the back axle with a length of rawhide and dragged her around the Whitechapel boundary to express my hatred for her and to disrespect her corpse before her loved ones”

In 1987, a 45-year-old woman from Spitalfields, ensnared an elderly local man in a net as he sat in the tub and then stabbed him multiple times, in a grim reconstruction of the slaying of Agamemnon by his unfaithful wife, Clytemnestra, when the frail pensioner kept her waiting in the supermarket queue after insisting on paying at the checkout with money-off coupons

SPORT: We’ll form ‘The Big 1’ and rule the soccer world, vows West Ham United supremo

superman west ham meme

Following the ignominious collapse of the controversial, European Super League last night, with all of the so-called, ‘Big Six’ English clubs announcing their withdrawal, East London club, West Ham United have announced that they will break away from the English Premier League at the end of this season and form an East London Super League with just themselves in it.

Hammers CEO Karen Brady, told newsmen: “We’re fed up with all the travelling and the uncertainty of results, to be honest.

“I mean, we went all the way to Newcastle the other day, lost the game and then had to come all the way back again.

After we’ve formed the ELSL, nonsense like having to play other clubs will be a thing of the past.

“When we become, The Big 1, the club will save an absolute fortune in travelling expenses, kit washing, and mowing the grass on our pitch.

“Further big savings will be made on exorbitant transfer fees as we’ll just hang on to the squad we have now until they die.

“Every season, we’ll crown ourselves league champions, without playing a single match, until we go down in history as the most successful club of all time. It’s a win-win situation, to be honest”

Fans of the high-flying Hammers are less convinced of the wisdom of the move, however.

One lifelong supporter, Toby Dell, 45, from Whitechapel, told us: “It’s not a bad idea in principle I suppose but I’ll miss the pre-match booze-up, the half-time pies and the punch-ups with rival supporters afterwards.

“I suppose I could go home and have a straightener in the road with my old woman but she’s a big old sort and nearly always comes out on top”

More as we get it.

Local man feels trapped by FB friends request from complete twat from his past

facebook small

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that a Facebook friends request from a man he used to associate with in his late teens and early twenties but who he always considered to be an utter twat has left him feeling cornered and conflicted.

Toby Dell, a meat porter from Berner Street, told us: “I got this friends request from the bloke last week and my heart sank, to be honest.

“The man was a real chump back then and I only knocked about with him because he had a few quid to buy drinks and I was banging his sister.

“I’m now living in fear that he’ll be coming on my statuses and showing me up like shit in front of my mates and family members.

“He’s already added my missus, but she’s told me to accept his request and then tweak my account so that he can’t see any of my posts.

“That sounds a bit too complicated so I’m going to send him a quick message on WhatsApp, telling him that I’m close to death and don’t want him to be upset when he learns on FB that I’ve fallen off the perch in a week or two”

Mr Dell’s story comes just two weeks after a man from neighbouring Poplar sent an irritating would-be Facebook friend a photoshopped image of himself hanging from a noose attached to a light fitting, accompanied by a message from his wife, informing the man that her husband had taken his own life due to being wanted by the police on several murder charges.

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece try telling the person concerned that you’re a massive Donald Trump fan. That usually gets rid of most people although not the complete, mentally sub-normal arseoles – Ed

Local man ejaculated during bout of extreme nose-blowing, court told


A 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday told magistrates that a bout of hard nose-blowing had been behind the fact that he ejaculated onto the door of a crowded District Line tube train carriage in January this year.

Toby Dell, a foundry worker from Commercial Street, told the court that the sheer force of his nasal expulsions had triggered an involuntary orgasm and that he had no intention of committing an act of gross indecency.

“I was suffering from a heavy cold and just wanted to clear my nose because I was struggling to breathe,” he told Horseferry Road magistrates court.

“All of a sudden my trouser zip burst open and I inadvertently ejaculated onto the door.

“It was purely an accident,” he said, “I wasn’t even aroused.”

Sentencing Dell to a 9-month prison sentence, suspended for one year, the magistrate, Terence Carter, told the defendant: “The court proposes leniency in this instance, but if you return to this court having shot your custard in public again you can expect a substantial custodial sentence to be imposed.”

Last August, a 23-year-old woman from Pimlico in West London was fined £150 for behaviour likely to cause a breach of the peace after she had a series of shattering climaxes during a prolonged bout of coughing in the waiting room at her doctor’s surgery.

Self-Published Author Attacks Regular Published Author With Axe

A bloody axe similar to the type of desperate, ‘please buy me’, thing you would find on a self-published book cover

A 40-year-old Whitechapel man was in police custody last night after attacking a 55-year-old man with an axe in what is believed to have been an act of publishing-based jealousy.

The arrested man, Toby Dell from Leman Street, was allegedly envious of the victim’s success in getting a book published by a recognised publishing house, while Dell had to resort to constantly having his work launched on Amazon in a desperate bid for some kind of recognition no matter how ill-deserved.

We spoke to a neighbour last night who told us: “Toby was a really nice bloke before he got involved in the self-publishing game.

“Then, he seemed to change almost overnight. He became withdrawn and aggressive.

“He used to launch into angry outbursts, during which he would attack published authors. He used to call them scumbags and liberty-takers. Even the good ones like Stephen King, Steinbeck and Charles Dickens.

“So when I heard he’d gone for this bloke with an axe I wasn’t surprised, to be honest with you”

The injured man is now recovering in The Royal London Hospital where he is said to be comfortable and availing himself of a number of the proper books from the hospital library

Dell will appear at Horseferry Road magistrates court on Monday charged with attempted murder and writing without due care and talent.

EDITOR’S NOTE: We have been informed that people lacking the talent to have their work published in the conventional way prefer to be known as ‘indie authors’, which, we are reliably informed is the abbreviated vernacular for indescribably atrocious. You can also recognise them easily enough by their penchant for inserting the word, author, writer, bard, or, novelist, in their online screen name.

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