The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888


Toby Dell

Local women knifed husband after disappointing dolphin-spotting trip

Dolphins pictured in full view last night

A 54-year-old woman from Whitechapel repeatedly stabbed her husband with a kitchen knife after a holiday, dolphin-spotting boat trip ended in failure an Old Bailey court heard yesterday.

Tracy Dell, a hairdresser from Berner Street, plunged the nine-inch blade into the chest and abdomen of her husband, Toby, after the boat trip’s quest for dolphin sightings off the coast of The Algarve in Portugal proved fruitless.

Mrs Dell admitted to the offences of attempted murder and assault causing grievous bodily harm but claimed mitigating circumstances.

Under cross-examination from prosecuting counsel, Carter Shay QC, Mrs Dell told the court:

‘When he booked that boat trip he told me that we’d definitely see dolphins.

‘I was really looking forward to seeing them in the wild and not on the telly.

It was going to be the highlight of our holiday, so when we didn’t see any I was gutted and went for him with the knife when we got back to our apartment.

‘Anyone would have done the same in my shoes’ she insisted before leaving the witness box.

Giving Mrs Dell a six-month suspended sentence, Judge Helen Galsworthy, told her: ‘While I recognise that you were sorely provoked and that your husband failed you in every way imaginable, I cannot, in all good conscience, condone your actions in this instance.

‘A good beating with a frying pan, combined with the complete withdrawal of conjugal favours for life would have been more than adequate given the severity of this man’s pathetic and utter failure to deliver on a concrete assurance’

In 2010, Judge Shay came in for public and media criticism after awarding a woman from Cripplegate in East London, five hundred pounds from the public purse after she killed and subsequently dismembered the corpse of her husband who took her on a holiday jeep safari in Nairobi that failed to come across any giraffes.

Russia cuts off gas supply to Number 27 Leman Street in Whitechapel

Zilchski. The Dell’s meter pictured on empty last night

In a shock move, seen as a reprisal measure for Britain’s continued military and political support for Ukraine, Russia last night announced that they will cut off the supply of gas to Number 27 Leman Street in the London district of Whitechapel from midnight tonight.

In a press release last night, the Russians made their position clear: ‘In view of Britain’s support for the rogue state of Ukraine, Russia will now cut off the gas to 27 Leman Street and if we could, we’d cut off their electric too’

The residents of the property are Mr and Mrs Toby Dell, both aged 54.

Mr Dell told newsmen: ‘This is a bit of a blow as our combi-boiler is gas-fired as is our central heating.

‘However, we will continue to support Ukraine in the war despite this move.

‘We will get round it by going to the wife’s mother’s place for our baths and a bit of a warm-up if it gets nippy in the evenings.’

This latest move by The Kremlin comes two weeks after a retaliatory Russian missile strike on the South London district of Bermondsey left thirty people homeless and over one million pounds worth of improvements in its wake.

Local Facebooker takes long hard look at himself


A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has taken a good, long hard look at himself after he spotted the instruction on the timeline of one of his Facebook friends.

Toby Dell, a gravity die-caster from Berner Street, told The East London Gazette: ‘There’s a woman on my list who is constantly saying that some people should take a good, long hard look at themselves.

‘She never aims this at any specific person, it’s just random and could apply to anyone.

‘To be honest, she’s a bit of a pain in the arse and seems to think everybody’s gunning for her but I thought I’d have a quick check in case she meant me.

‘I stood in front of the hall mirror and looked really hard at myself for around five minutes.

‘To be honest, I didn’t spot anything particularly shocking or even interesting.

‘I noticed I’d missed a bit under my lower lip when shaving that morning and that my nose hair could do with a tidy up but that was about it really.

‘I’m going to private message the woman and tell her that I’ve done as she asked but with not much joy.

‘Hopefully, she’ll now exclude me specifically from the instruction in future posts.’

It is estimated that over three million passive/aggressive instructions like this one are issued every hour on Facebook along with requests for people to look at their manky-looking dog, utterly unappetising dinner, or alarmingly ugly child.

Local man embarked on killing spree following ‘comfortable trousers’ letdown

Some trousers pictured earlier

A 54-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London went on a murderous killing spree after a pair of trousers he’d ordered from a catalogue purporting to be, ‘The most comfortable trousers you will ever buy’, failed to live up to the claim.

After trying them on and finding them slightly less comfortable than a pair he’d bought in Roman Road Market in the 1980s, Toby Dell, a diesel fitter from Dock Street, raced from his house and attacked twelve people with a steel tent pole, killing five and leaving seven others badly injured.

Dell told an Old Bailey jury yesterday: ‘The trousers were a disgrace and utterly failed to live up to the claim that they would be the most comfortable I’d ever purchased.

‘They were a bit tight for one thing and the turnups flapped around my ankles in a manner that I never experienced with the other trousers I bought in Roman Road in 1987.

‘I suppose I just lost my head but anyone else would have done the same given the circumstances.’

Sentencing Dell to a whole life tariff, Mr Justice Tracy-Carter told the defendant: ‘While I agree that your patience may have been sorely tested by these trousers it is completely unacceptable that you should kill innocent people to assuage your annoyance.

‘Society deserves to be protected from you and from anyone else who sees fit to kill people due to an uncomfortable or otherwise ill-fitting garment’

In 2012, a woman from neighbouring Shoreditch killed her entire family, including her grandparents, with a machete after a blouse she had ordered from Freeman’s catalogue was found to be a bit tight under the arms.

Quarantined local man set to recreate going to football match in own home

west ham badge

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man who will be unable to attend a football match this evening due to quarantine restrictions has told The Whelk that he intends to replicate the experience of watching the game, using his own home as the venue, while his back garden will be utilised to recreate travelling to the event.

Toby Dell, a diesel-fitter from Leman Street, told us: “I was gutted when I tested positive for covid on Sunday because I knew I’d be in breach of the quarantine rules if I went to the West Ham v Norwich match tonight.

‘However, I’ve decided to do the next-best thing by creating the whole experience at home.

‘At around 5.00 pm, I’ll go out to the shed to replicate going to the pub for a pre-match booze-up by drinking cans of lager until I can barely stand.

‘I shall then recreate the walk to the ground by doing circuits of the back garden for about half an hour.

‘I’ll get the missus to bring me out a takeaway kebab at some point as I always like a bit of scoff on the way to the match to soak up the ale.

‘Then, after urinating up the garden fence to faithfully replicate my pre-match Jimmy Riddle in public, I’ll show my ticket to the missus at the back door before going in to watch the game on the telly.

‘At half-time, I’ll steam into a few more cans of lager that I’ve smuggled in past the kids, who will be dressed in hi-viz jackets and acting as stewards.

‘After the match, I’ll go back into the garden for the dummy walk home, and if The Hammers have lost, I’ll jump the fence into next-door’s garden and beat seven shades of shit out of the bloke who lives there to recreate a spot of post-match soccer hooliganism.

‘Finally, it’ll be back indoors for a few cold sharpeners from the fridge before settling down to watch the highlights on Match Of The Day.

‘Unless, of course, we’ve lost, in which case I’ll go straight to bed without a word of greeting to the family with a face like a smacked arse.’

Mr Dell’s replication of a sporting event comes just two weeks after a man from neighbouring Shoreditch pretended to be present at The Masters Snooker Championship by putting the event on TV and then falling asleep for six hours.

Local man had sizzling phone-sex romp during marriage guidance session


A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he indulged in phone sex with a female work colleague during a marriage guidance session attended by himself and his wife.

Toby Dell, from Brushfield Street, told us: ‘The wife insisted we undergo marriage guidance as we’ve been going through a rocky patch and I reluctantly agreed.

‘After around ten minutes with the counsellor, a woman at my work that I’ve been sleeping with, rang my mobile and started describing what she’d like to do with me.

‘Fortunately, I had my earbuds in as I was listening to the cricket from Australia so neither my wife nor the counsellor knew what was going on.

‘However, things got so heated between us that I reached a climax and had to muffle my cries of ecstasy by blowing my nose violently into a hankerchief while nodding enthusiastically at the woman, as if I was in strong agreement with everything she was saying.

‘It was hard going, so to speak, but I think I got away with it’

We spoke to Dell’s wife, Tracy last night who confirmed that she is now leaving him.

‘I knew full well what he was up to’ she told us. ‘Apart from all the fake nose-blowing and nodding, he was sweating like a nun in a dildo factory.

‘My suspicions were finally confirmed when he took off his underpants before getting into bed and it sounded like somebody tearing up the phonebook’

Vast majority of men who exchange heart emoticons on Facebook extremely likely to use male moisturising products, claims study

male moist poof

A recent study by Cambridge University has revealed that male Facebook users who routinely post heart emoticons on comments or status updates from other men are extremely likely to use male grooming products, in particular, moisturising cream.

Professor Tobias Dell, who led the two-year-long study, told New Scientist magazine: “Our results clearly show that men who routinely exchange love heart emoticons on the Facebook platform are almost certainly regular users of male grooming products, especially moisturiser, although some were also shown to habitually use skin-toning or rejuvenating products, particularly ones that smell of flowers and things of that nature”

These findings come hot on the heels of a recent survey by Yale University in The United States which revealed that the habitual exchanging of social media love hearts between adult males has led to a huge surge in demand for erectile dysfunction treatment and also a marked increase in men who openly admit to enjoying ballet, crochet, and having lengthy discussions with their partner on their relationship and where they think it may be going further on down the line.

Slain shop worker who varied speed of floor polisher ‘had it coming’, says accused local man

floor polisher

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday told an Old Bailey jury that he killed an employee in his local Lidl supermarket by beating him over the head with a can of corned beef after the worker had annoyed him by varying the speed of his floor polishing machine as he approached from behind.

Toby Dell, a gravity die-caster from Commercial Street, told the court.

“I was walking along the fruit and veg aisle when I heard the humming of the polishing machine behind me.

“I immediately became annoyed because I realised that I would have to manoeuvre my trolley to one side of the aisle to allow this individual to get past.

“However, instead of just getting it over with, he kept pushing the machine fairly close and then slowing down again.

“I took this as a deliberate attempt to harass me and turned around to confront the man and have it out with him there and then.

“To my utter fury, he had gone through a gap in the counters and had started polishing the aisle adjacent to the one I was standing in.

“At this point, I lost control. I seized a tin of Newgate, Argentinian corned beef from the shelf and started beating him over the head with it.

“It was never really my intention to kill him even though he had it coming as far as I was concerned.

“In my view, floor cleaning should be done outside of opening hours to spare innocent shoppers from undergoing the kind of trauma I was subjected to.”

Dell was found guilty by unanimous verdict and sentenced to life imprisonment with a recommendation that he serves a minimum of twenty-five years.

As he was led from the dock, Dell struggled with police officers and yelled: “He’s lucky we weren’t in the fresh baked bread area or I’d have shoved his head in the f*****g oven”

Local man felt brief and very fleeting interest in girlfriend’s relationship discussion¬†

boy girl

A 35-year-old man from Whitechapel last night claimed to have experienced a brief moment of vague interest during a heart to heart talk with his girlfriend, who wished to discuss where their relationship was going.

Toby Dell, a motor vehicle technician from Berner Street revealed:

“It was last Saturday night and I was looking forward to Match Of The Day when my girlfriend, suddenly and without warning, began to discuss our relationship and her hopes and fears for our future together.

“Naturally, I zoned out immediately and started wondering about the number of cans of beer I had left in the fridge. I even got up and checked at one point to set my mind at rest.

“However, as soon as I sat back down she began talking about how our relationship had developed over the last year and how she hoped we could move up to a new level if we really committed to each other and learned to concentrate on the important things.

“It was when she began to reminisce about how we’d first met that I suddenly felt a fleeting moment of interest.

“I began to vaguely recall how I’d dumped my previous girlfriend to take up with her, and started to wonder if I still had those pics of my ex in her underwear on my phone.

“I had a quick check to make sure and fortunately, they were still there. I sighed with relief and began to mentally go over the day’s football results as my girlfriend moved on to how she sometimes felt taken for granted and unimportant.

“Luckily, she had just started to talk about her best friend’s wonderful relationship, and how she and her fiance were planning a June wedding, when the match started and I was able to send her out to get me another beer while I put the headphones on to listen to the commentary in peace”

This latest revelation comes just two weeks after a man from Sheffield claimed to have expressed a half-hearted opinion on interior decor when his girlfriend told him she was thinking of painting the downstairs toilet.

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