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Toby Dell

Local man’s hatred for chatty and convivial supermarket woman knows no boundsĀ 

satan
A man dealing with a cheery woman in the olden days

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has described how a personable woman in the queue for the tills at a local Lidl supermarket invoked in him a murderous, exponential rage that consumed him in a spiralling vortex of raw, unbridled hatred.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, told The Whelk: “I was already feeling a bit agitated when I joined the queue.

“I’d had a tiring day at work and just wanted to get home to stick my trotters up in front of the TV for the evening.

“So when this woman in front of me kept turning around, making light-hearted comments about everything from the weather to the price of minced beef, I felt this almost uncontrollable rage well up inside me.

“Then, when she finally got to the till and began chatting in a warm and friendly manner with the checkout girl, I realised that if I had been armed with an assault rifle I would have emptied it into this bitch without turning a hair”

Mr Dell served a 7-year prison sentence in May 1995 for assault occasioning grievous bodily harm after an incident in a Waitrose car park when he battered a man with a tyre iron who had cheerily asked him if he was going to watch the FA Cup Final later that day.

If you’re suffering from anger management issues don’t come whining to me about it or I’ll batter you from arseole to Saturday, you worthless piece of crap – Ed.

Stabbing disrupts class for anger management

knife

 

An anger management session at a local authority facility was halted yesterday afternoon after an attendee stabbed a fellow class member repeatedly following a disagreement on who was benefiting the most from the 21-day course.

Another class member told The Whitechapel Whelk: “The session was going pretty well initially and then things got heated when the lecturer asked people to give anecdotal evidence which would illustrate how the sessions had improved their behaviour under provocation.

This fella stood up and said that he’d resisted the temptation to assault his next-door neighbour for parking in front of his driveway and had merely left a passive-aggressive note on his windscreen and slashed his tyres.

At this point, another class member started calling him cowardly and scared to have a man-to-man straightener with the neighbour.

“He then told the class that his rehabilitation was far more impressive and that he hadn’t attacked his wife and kids for almost a fortnight

“The first bloke then pulled a blade from his jacket and started stabbing the geezer repeatedly.

“A few of us then jumped on top of him and gave him a battering before the lecturer put a stop to it by pulling a gun and shooting one of the lads in the back”

Just two weeks earlier, police had to be called to the venue when a drunken brawl broke out in the car park following a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Local man recreating foreign holiday at home killed after toppling from own balcony

photo of man jumping from boat to the sea
Brit holidaymakers pictured practising balcony falls in Magaluf last year

A 24-year-old man who tried to replicate a sunkissed holiday in Magaluf at his home in Whitechapel has fallen to his death from his bedroom balcony as he pretended to be enjoying drunken, hotel room hi-jinx following a night spent drinking heavily in bars along the strip.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Leman Street, was found lifeless in his front garden, dressed only in Union Jack shorts and a vomit-stained bandana.

His girlfriend, Tracy Carter, 22, wept as she told us: “Toby was gutted when his holiday to Spain was cancelled due to coronavirus, so he set aside two weeks to replicate it in his house.

“He bought loads of beer and cheap spirits from the supermarket and built a little bar in his front room.

“He would go in there every night and get absolutely legless.

“Sometimes, he’d go out in the back yard after a skinful and fall asleep on the path in a pool of sick, pretending it was the main street in Magaluf.

“He even rubbed on loads of fake tan and burned himself with an oxy/acetylene torch to imitate overdoing it in the sun on the first day.

“I’m really sorry that he’s dead because we’d booked a week in Marbella this September and now I’m going to have to try to get the deposit back”

In other related news, a 19-year-old man from nearby Aldgate has slept with a number of drug-addicted prostitutes in the hope of getting the sexually transmitted disease he would have contracted in Ibiza next month if Easyjet hadn’t cancelled his flight.

Local woman slams partner’s ‘pathetic’ performance after semaphore sex romp

sema

A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman has berated her boyfriend’s sexual performance, branding it, ‘pathetic’, after the pair had indulged in a steamy romp using semaphore flags.

Tracy Dell, a hairdresser from Dock Lane, told a Whelk reporter: “We’d not been able to meet up for regular sex due to the lockdown, so I hit upon the idea of doing it by semaphore from the roofs of our blocks of flats which are quite close to each other.

“I made a real effort on the night. I did my hair and makeup and put on a revealing, off the shoulder cocktail dress before going up to the roof

“I knew he was impressed because he started signalling in an excited manner as soon as he saw me, but I was more interested in the long game, so I signalled that I was putting my dressing gown on to keep the cold out.

“He slowed down a bit then but as soon as I signalled that I was climbing into bed he began signalling furiously. At one point he was going so fast I couldn’t even make out what he was saying.

“Suddenly his flags went limp at his sides and I could see that he was lighting a cigarette.

“I signalled that I could wait another half an hour but he wasn’t interested.

“He then gave the standard signing off signal and left the roof.

“A bit later, I had a look through my binoculars and spotted him in his flat on his Playstation. Absolutely pathetic”

Miss Dell’s revelations come just a week after a 22-year-old woman from neighbouring Aldgate complained that her boyfriend, who had been drinking heavily in his flat in Spitalfields, was unable to gain an erection, despite the fact that she told him she was wearing a French maid’s outfit via Morse code.

Family of five eaten after local lion-tamer worked from home

brown lion eating meat
Dave the lion pictured enjoying a family member during yesterday’s carnage

Tragedy struck in a quiet Whitechapel Street yesterday when a circus lion that was being kept in a garden shed by its keeper killed and ate the man’s wife and four children.

Lion-tamer, Toby Dell, 42, from Vallance Road, told a Whelk reporter that he’d been working from home due to the lockdown and that the beast called Dave had escaped while he was out on his daily exercise.

A visibly shaken Mr Dell told us: “I can’t believe this has happened, to be honest.

“I came back from my half-hour walk and found the place empty.

“I looked everywhere but there was no sign of the wife and kids.

“Then I went out into the garden and spotted all these bones strewn around.

The shed door was wide open and Dave was fast asleep, laying in a sunny spot on the patio

“I knew it was the wife and kids because Dave had spat their clothes out. I suppose he didn’t want to get the material stuck in his throat.

“I realise I probably shouldn’t have brought him home but I didn’t want him turning wild during the lockdown after all my hard work down the years in taming him.”

Following the incident, the lion was shot with a tranquiliser dart and removed to a safari park where he has reportedly killed a roe deer, several local dogs and attacked a family of three in their Toyota Prius.

Covid-19 Window Cleaner Works From Home Using Hand On A Spring

window

An enterprising local window cleaner, suffering from coronavirus, has come up with an ingenious way of continuing to ply his trade during his spell of self-isolation by making a long-reach, hand on a spring in his garden shed.

Toby Dell, 54, told The Whelk: “I wasn’t going to allow a damn virus to stop me from carrying out my obligations to my customers, so I came up with the hand on a spring idea, and, thus far, it’s worked a treat.

“It extends for just under two miles, so I’ve been able to do most of the work on my round in Whitechapel but I can’t quite reach Spitalfields and Aldgate, so they will have to wait until I’m better”.

Mr Dell also told us that his invention has allowed him to continue to enjoy an active social life.

“In the evenings, I extend my hand on a spring to The Blind Beggar in the high street and the landlord puts pints of Stella and the odd packet of cheese and onion crisps in it throughout the evening.

“However, I did have one over the eight last night and had my hand thrown out and barred for pinching the barmaid’s arse”

Mr Dell declined any payment for his story, but he did ask for a single neoprene glove and some hemp-based barrier cream to stop his hand from becoming chapped on cold mornings.

Local teen mystified by girlfriend’s failure to pour milk over her breasts

milk
A bottle of red top pictured last night, half of which, may or may not have been poured over a pair of female breasts.

A 17-year-old Whitechapel youth has told a Whelk reporter that he was left in a state of confusion after spending the weekend at the home of his girlfriend without once witnessing her pouring milk over her naked breasts.

Toby Dell, an engineering student, told us: “I’ve seen literally hundreds of photographs of women on the internet and in magazines pouring milk over their breasts so I was pretty stunned when I spent the weekend with my new girlfriend and she didn’t do it once.

“At one point, I thought she was going to when she got a bottle of semi-skimmed out of the fridge as we were about to have breakfast, but instead of slowly peeling off her top and pouring the milk over her exposed breasts while licking her lips suggestively, she just put some on her Cocoa Pops and put the bottle back in the fridge.

“To say I was disappointed doesn’t even begin to cover it”

A recent survey conducted by Sussex University revealed that only one per cent of females pour milk onto their breasts, with a whopping ninety-nine per cent opting to put it in tea or coffee or use it to make smoothies.

Those who did admit to doing it said that it was almost always by accident when they were either drunkenly swigging from the bottle or were being paid by a professional photographer from a lowbrow grumble publication.

This revelation comes just two weeks after a 16-year-old boy from neighbouring Shoreditch told us of his surprise when he started fooling around with his girlfriend on the sofa and her attractive, huge-breasted mother didn’t come in wearing stockings and suspenders and offer to show her daughter how it was done.

Local man who angrily tugged dressing gown cord from boxers hospitalised

Hospital in 1914.
Mr Dell pictured behind a screen to muffle his sobs in the Royal London Hospital last night

A 45-year-old man who furiously yanked on his dressing gown cord after it became trapped in his boxer shorts has been admitted to hospital with severe injuries, including a torn scrotal sac and testicular trauma.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Dock Street, told us: “I was wearing just my dressing gown and boxers when the cord got trapped inside my boxers after I’d been to the toilet and had hurriedly pulled them up.

“After fumbling around for a bit, trying to find the other end of the cord I realised the problem and yanked angrily on the trapped section to free it.

“The pain I felt at that point was off the scale and worse than anything I had ever experienced before.

“It felt like somebody was slicing into my nadgers with white-hot cheese wire.

“I sank to my knees and curled up in the foetal position. I don’t mind admitting, I was crying at this point.

“I somehow managed to call the ambulance boys but it wasn’t easy with all those tears in my eyes”

Mr Dell then confided that he had injured his genitalia before in 1982 when he trapped his foreskin in his trouser zip after being disturbed in his girlfriend’s bedroom by her mother carrying mugs of tea and a plate of biscuits.

Local woman battered husband for lacing new boots too loosely

boots

A 24-year-old Whitechapel woman appeared in court yesterday charged with a serious assault on her husband after she noticed that he hadn’t laced up his boots tightly enough.

Tracy Dell, an accounts clerk, allegedly struck her husband, Toby, about the head with a piece of 4″ x 2″ timber causing him to lose consciousness in the street close to their home in Vallance Road.

After her arrest she told police that Mr Dell hadn’t laced his boots tightly enough, causing them to “flap around, making a racket”

Mr Dell, who had previously been savagely beaten in the street by his wife for tucking his shirt into his trousers in 2009, told a Whelk reporter outside Horseferry Road magistrates court, “I had it coming. I should have learned my lesson after the shirt business”

The case continues

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