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Toby Dell

Local woman battered husband for lacing new boots too loosely

boots

A 24-year-old Whitechapel woman appeared in court yesterday charged with a serious assault on her husband after she noticed that he hadn’t laced up his boots tightly enough.

Tracy Dell, an accounts clerk, allegedly struck her husband, Toby, about the head with a piece of 4″ x 2″ timber causing him to lose consciousness in the street close to their home in Vallance Road.

After her arrest she told police that Mr Dell hadn’t laced his boots tightly enough, causing them to “flap around, making a racket”

Mr Dell, who had previously been savagely beaten in the street by his wife for tucking his shirt into his trousers in 2009, told a Whelk reporter outside Horseferry Road magistrates court, “I had it coming. I should have learned my lesson after the shirt business”

The case continues

Local man orbits Venus in converted shed

shed

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has reportedly orbited the planet Venus in a garden shed that he had converted into a rudimentary rocketship over the course of less than a dozen weekends.

Toby Dell, a gravity caster at Whitechapel Bell Foundry, blasted off into space on Monday just after midday, reaching Venus at around 2.30 pm on the following day.

According to NASA, Dell has completed an orbit of the planet and has now deployed the shed’s retro rockets to blast free from its gravitational pull.

According to his wife, Tracy, 47, he intends to attempt a brief landing on Mars on the way back, although he has expressed concerns about damaging the Ronseal creosote protective coating on his larch lap craft when he touches down on the Red Planet.

Speaking to a Whelk reporter last night, Mrs Dell said: “I didn’t even know he was turning the shed into a rocket.

“He certainly never mentioned it to me. I thought he was out there looking at mucky books like most men”

Dell’s mission mirrors that of a 45-year-old man from neighbouring Poplar, who, in 1987, became the first man to reach Neptune in a Borough of Tower Hamlets wheelie bin.

Say Yes To The Dress bride slays 15 at reception

say yes

A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman was in police custody last night after she ran amok with a butcher’s cleaver at her wedding reception leaving 15 guests dead.

Tracy Carter, a hairstylist from Vallance Road, was featured in the hit TV show, Say Yes To The Dress, last December where she chose her bridal gown aided by friends and female family members.

Guests at the plush reception at the Inn On The Park hotel in Plaistow, East London, looked on in disbelief as Carter raced onto the dancefloor and began hacking at guests with the weapon, leaving some victims decapitated.

There is currently no clear motive for Carter’s actions although there is speculation that she may have become enraged when the wedding photographer began taking pictures of guests as they took to the dancefloor.

The groom, Toby Dell, a toolmaker from Shoreditch, aged 27, told a reporter from the East London Gazette: “Tracy loved being the centre of attention and I think that she just lost her rag when the photographer began taking smudges of the other guests

“To be honest, it looks like I’ve had a bloody lucky escape. Imagine having to live the rest of your life with that nutter”

A spokesperson for Say Yes To The Dress said last night: “We’re obviously very sorry that one of our featured brides has gone off the rails like this, but people need to understand that a bride is under tremendous pressure on the big day so it’s hardly surprising when one of them runs amok like this from time to time”

Miss Carter appears at Whitechapel Magistrates Court on Monday charged with murder, affray, and leaving her wedding limousine in a disabled parking bay.

London Mortgage Brokers to Offer Equity Release on Cocktails

cocktail-drink-glass-cocktails

In a groundbreaking move, mortgage brokers in London are set to offer handsome equity release terms to buyers who have invested in purchasing their own cocktail.

With the average banana daiquiri – including ice and a glace cherry – going for an eye-watering, £32,000 in the capital, cocktail owners can expect at least £12,000 under a typical, rollover, compound interest deal.

Older drinkers are going to do particularly well, with no repayments due until after their death, whereupon the price of the drink plus interest will come from their estate.

One drinker in a Whitechapel wine bar told The Whelk he was absolutely delighted with the move

Toby Dell, 54, said: “This is great news. I’m going to order a Sambuca Depth Charge for myself and a Moscow Mule for the missus right away.

“Under this new scheme, we’ll be able to afford to get a new conservatory and still have enough left over for a couple of weeks in Antigua”

DISCLAIMER: The value of your tipple of choice may go up or down, although, the latter is highly unlikely – Ed

Local man filled with hope for nail fungus relief following Boxing Day spam mail ‘miracle’

spam

A 54-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London felt an overwhelming sense of hope and joy after a spam email he opened in the early hours of Boxing Day contained the promise of lasting relief from the misery of toenail fungus.

Toby Dell, a meat porter from Dock Street, told The Whelk that he wept with joy after spotting the item amongst 60 other spam mails, which included Pinterest notifications and invites to meet mature Russian women for no-strings friendships.

“I’ve been plagued with toenail fungus on and off since childhood so this piece of junk mail is nothing short of a miracle” he reveals.

“When I read that it was offering me prolonged relief from the condition I don’t mind admitting that I broke down and wept with joy

“I’ve now ordered a full course of treatment which involves creams and a course of tablets for only £75 per month for the next 6 years.

“It means I’ll have to give the no-strings Russians a miss this year but, to be honest, none of them ever turned up to the dates anyway.

“The stuff should arrive during January according to the confirmatory email, but they did stipulate that it comes from China and is therefore subject to delays of a few months depending on demand.

“This is the best Christmas present ever and I can’t wait to get my socks off and put an end to my fungus-based misery for good”

In other news, a 50-year-old woman from neighbouring Poplar is excitedly looking forward to receiving a gently corrective toe-trainer device which she spotted in her junk folder and which she hopes will finally put an end to years of her having to wear an outsize boot on one foot causing her to lope along the road like a chimp.

Arthritic local Catholic man deems it ok to give thumbs-up before Latin Mass

12 - At the elevation of the Host

A 55-year-old Roman Catholic man has decided that it’s perfectly acceptable to deliver a thumbs-up gesture towards the altar prior to the Solemn Latin Mass instead of the customary genuflection which would involve bending his arthritic knee.

Toby Dell, a foundry worker from Vallance Road, told a Whelk reporter: “I’m pretty certain God understands that I’m struggling a bit with my arthritis these days and that bending my right knee before taking my seat at Latin Mass on Sundays is becoming more and more painful

“A simple thumbs-up is perfectly adequate in my view. It indicates my respect for the church and doesn’t detract from my faith in The Lord one iota.

“Mind you, I wouldn’t fancy trying it in a Protestant church. That Prod God is a real nasty bastard by all accounts and would probably strike me down with a lightning bolt on the way to the pub after the service or something along those lines.”

A spokesman for the Catholic church told us: “It’s perfectly acceptable for the aged or the infirm to genuflect in the best way possible in line with the nature and extent of their individual physical difficulty.

“However, we would ask them to put in double the amount they normally pay into the collection box before the Eucharist as penance.”

In 2013, a wheelchair-bound woman from neighbouring Poplar was ejected from, St Mary of The Immaculate Conception church in Wapping, after yelling, “Alright mate?” at a carved edifice of Christ suspended above the altar bearing the Blessed Sacrament.

Local man ejaculated during bout of extreme nose-blowing court told

tissues

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday told magistrates that a stint of hard nose-blowing had been behind the fact that he had ejaculated onto the door of a crowded District Line tube train carriage in July this year.

Toby Dell, a foundry worker from Commercial Street, told the court that the sheer force of his nasal expulsions had triggered an involuntary orgasm and that he had no intention of committing an act of gross indecency.

“I was suffering from a heavy cold and just wanted to clear my nose because I was struggling to breathe,” he told Horseferry Road magistrates court.

“All of a sudden my trouser zip burst open and I inadvertently ejaculated on the door.

“It was purely an accident,” he said, “I wasn’t even aroused.”

Sentencing Dell to a 9-month prison sentence, suspended for one year, the magistrate, Terence Carter, told the defendant: “The court proposes leniency in this instance, but if you return to this court having shot your custard in public again you can expect a substantial custodial sentence to be imposed.”

Last August, a 23-year-old woman from Pimlico in West London was fined £150 for behaviour likely to cause a breach of the peace after she had a series of shattering climaxes during a bout of coughing in the waiting room at her doctor’s surgery.

Local woman battered husband with TV stand to ‘limber up’ for Black Friday

tv

A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman has told a court that she beat her husband with a television stand to get in some practice for the hurly-burly, Black Friday melee in 7 days time

Tracy Dell of Vallance Road, fractured the skull of her husband, Toby, with the stand, causing him to receive 12 stitches in a head wound during the incident at their home last Tuesday.

Mrs Dell told the court: “I wanted to limber up for Black Friday and thought it would be a good idea to give my hubby a few clumps with the TV stand, to get my eye in, so to speak.

“If I’d known he was going to get blood on the carpet I’d have done it in the front garden”

Mrs Dell was fined twenty-five pounds and was bound over to keep the peace.

In December 2014, a woman from neighbouring Shoreditch killed her husband of 25 years with a mini-fridge, claiming that she was practising for the forthcoming January sales.

Local man caged for shouting at armed intruder

1903-TheGreatTrainRobbery
An armed intruder in the olden days

A London man was given two consecutive life sentences at The Old Bailey yesterday, after being found guilty of shouting loudly at a burglar who had broken into his home in the early hours of the morning in June of this year.

Toby Dell, a postman from Whitechapel, East London, with no previous convictions, wept in the dock as the sentence was handed down by Mr Justice Terence Carter, who recommended that he should serve the full life term with no prospect of parole.

In his address to the defendant, Justice Carter said: “Society in general and the criminal fraternity, in particular, deserve a long rest from your activities.

“You are quite clearly a ruthless and callous man who is prepared to go to any lengths to inflict suffering and distress on anyone you perceive as a threat to your property, or wife and children.”

On the night in question, Dell, 68, had been woken by a noise at his terraced council home in Vallance Road, and, after arming himself with a rolled-up copy of The East London Gazette, had gone downstairs to investigate.

The court was told he saw James “Jimmy The Cat” Biggs, a convicted house-breaker with over 200 previous convictions for petty theft and assault, rifling through his sideboard.

Dell then called out in a loud agitated voice: “Oi! What do you think you’re doing? Get out!” whereupon Biggs pistol-whipped Dell to the ground, fracturing his skull, before making his escape through a window that he’d smashed to gain entry.

He was later found drinking heavily in a nearby public house by police officers who topped up his pint and gave him a packet of 20 Senior Service cigarettes.

The arresting officer, PC Len Hoadley, told the court “Mr Biggs was in an absolutely shocking condition when I spotted him in the public bar of The Bunch Of Grapes public house in Stepney.

“He looked visibly distressed and was very unsteady on his feet. Clearly, the trauma of being shouted at by Dell that night had taken a terrible toll on him.

“Myself, and fellow officer, WPC Philbert, bought him a fresh pint and gave him a pack of 20 cigarettes to steady his nerves, whereupon he broke down and told us of the terrible events of that evening.

“We immediately called for backup, and along with a number of officers in full riot gear, we smashed our way into Dell’s house where we found him quite blatantly lying unconscious on the kitchen floor in a pool of blood with a gaping head wound as if he didn’t have a care in the world. It was chilling to witness to be perfectly honest.”

Dell’s wife and children are now in hiding at a secret address to avoid being targeted by furious local vigilante groups.

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