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Toby Dell

SURVEY: Local Book Voted The Number One Gift To Avoid This Christmas

In a recent study conducted by The British Library, the latest novella by Whitechapel Whelk journalist, Danny Soz, was found to be the least desirable gift to purchase for a loved one this Christmas.

The puerile, literary bilge concerned, chronicles a daring gold bullion heist carried out by real-life, child members of Soz’s ne’er-do-well family.

Featuring a cameo appearance by Soz himself right at the end, the book was dismissed in the study as: ‘A real piece of crap of the very highest order and one to definitely steer clear of this Christmas, or indeed, any other Christmas for that matter’

Here’s some reader testimonials:

‘A poorly written and banal, big pile of shiny shite. Puny! – Bodybuilding Monthly

‘Fucking rubbish from start to finish. I wouldn’t use it to wipe my holy arse with’The Dalai Lama

Yugely entertaining. It reads like a finely-tooned, bigly word machine. A tremendous book to grace any covfefe table. So tremendous’Donald Trump

‘I vomited from start to finish‘ – The Reflux and Stomach Disorder Bugle

‘EYE DIDDNT LYKE IT AT AWL. COMPLEETE KRAPP’ The Times Higher Education Supplement

‘I say! What a jolly bad show! I gave my copy to matron and she threw it at our chimney sweepJacob Rees-Mogg

‘Anyone who buys this piece of shite is a two-bob scumbag that deserves a fucking good clumping’The Salvation Army War Cry

‘One was not amused and one ended up flushing it down one’s chodbin’ The Queen

The only plus points that the study could report was the book’s brevity, the dirt cheap price, and the fact that it fits through the average letter box.

Here’s a link, although we’d avoid it like a two-week holiday in a covid ward with no PPE and a wrecked immune system if we were you.

Biden: I’ll make Whitechapel the mouth organ capital of the world

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In a surprise announcement last night, President-elect Joe Biden, pledged to make the London District of Whitechapel the mouth organ-playing capital of the world.

Speaking to reporters in Wilmington Delaware, Biden said: “Following the complete chaos of the Trump presidency, I feel it is time to restore faith in the United States on the world stage

“A time to heal the divide that now exists between our great country and our overseas neighbours.

“So what better way to build bridges and to restore the respect for America that has been tragically lost during the last four years than to make Whitechapel the mouth organ capital of the entire world.

“The Treasury Secretary has agreed to invest four billion dollars in the project initially, with a rolling annual donation of a further one billion starting this March.

“Every man, woman and child will be provided with a mouth organ in a faux leather pouch with a genuine microfibre cloth to keep it shiny and free from finger-marks

“Lessons will be mandatory and conducted every two hours by a specially-trained mouth organ maestro from one of our United States harmonica academies.

“This great country of ours will not rest until we have put Whitechapel at the very summit of human achievement when it comes to learning the mouth organ in a very short time.”

Whitechapel residents greeted the news with enthusiasm last night.

Toby Dell, a 54-year-old forklift truck engineer from Dean Street told a CNN reporter: “This is outstanding news and a massive boost to the whole of the neighbourhood.

“I knew things were going to look up when they got rid of the orange cretin but this is beyond my wildest dreams, to be honest.

“The wife and I have already started learning, If I Were The Marrying Kind, and, The Rose Of Tralee, in bed at night.

The last time a London district was given special attention by an overseas country was in 1968 when Belgium voted Bermondsey in south London as the place they would most like to bomb into the Stone Age.

Local woman found dead following shock-induced flatulence incident

Gas leak background, 3D rendering, rough street sign collection

A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman was found hanged in her bathroom on Tuesday night following an incident in the street on Monday when she noisily broke wind in front of her new boyfriend who had surprised her by jumping out in front of her from a shop doorway in Commercial Street.

Tracy Carter, a beautician from Berner Street, had told friends that it was the most embarrassing day of her life and that she was struggling to come to terms with it.

The man concerned in the incident, Toby Dell, 25, a diesel-fitter from Mile End, told us: “I spotted Tracy walking past Spitalfields Market and decided to surprise her.

“I ducked into a doorway and jumped out in front of her when she drew level.

“She screamed and then unleashed this enormous, double-barrelled fart. It was a real rip-snorter and loads of people turned around and looked at her.

“I actually thought it was pretty funny but she got really upset and ran off down the street.

“The ironic part of it was, she actually let fly with a few minor squeakers when she took off.

“To be fair, it was the first time she’d ever done that in front of me, although, you can bet your bottom dollar she used to fart privately. That’s women all over in my view.

“She was a nice girl though and I’m pretty sorry she’s hanged herself, although, I have to say, I think she overreacted a bit”

This incident comes just two weeks after a 19-year-old girl threw herself into Wapping Dock and drowned after failing to flush a stubborn ‘submarine’ down the toilet at her new boyfriend’s flat in Silvertown.

Local man re-evaluates lifestyle after holy water sears into flesh

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From our religious affairs correspondent

A 54-year-old Roman Catholic man from Whitechapel who was left with severe burns to his forehead after making the sign of The Cross with holy water from the font at Westminster Cathedral, has told The Whelk that he is now considering making a number of changes to his lifestyle

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Thrawl Street, told us: “I knew I had to address my life choices and move a little closer to God when I felt that holy water sear into my flesh.

“It happened when I went to the font before 10.30 Mass on Sunday and again when I left.

“As well as burning my head, a few droplets fell onto my shoes. I noticed that it took some of the polish off and made them start smoking

“It was pretty excruciating, to be honest, and has actually left the sign of The Cross burned into my flesh.

“I even checked my hands, feet, and side for signs of stigmata when I got home but I seem to be ok on that score.

“I’m now going to give up drink, gambling, and sleeping with all of my wife’s four sisters, although I might still ask them to send me a few saucy photos now and again as I don’t want to rush things too much.

“I’m also going to stop using industrial language in a casual manner, although as a supporter of West Ham United, I realise this won’t be at all easy when the football results are being read out on the radio”

A spokesman for the Cathedral told us: “We are always delighted when a worshipper moves closer to The Lord. However, we should point out, that due to coronavirus, we have been filling the fonts with caustic soda at night to sanitise them and this is not drained off and rinsed away until just before the sung Latin Mass at 4.30 pm”

Local man who axed, ‘indecisive twat’, at airport coffee bar walks free

Bloody-Axe

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday walked free from The Old Bailey after the presiding judge told the jury to deliver a ‘not guilty’ verdict on a charge of murder following the man’s fatal axe attack on a fellow customer at an Italian-style coffee bar at London City airport last October.

During his evidence, Toby Dell, a diesel-fitter from Vallance Road, told the court that he was queuing for a coffee at the Delta Pizzoria when he became annoyed that the man in front was dithering and pontificating before making a selection.

Dell then attacked the man with an axe, delivering a number of fatal blows before finally cutting off the man’s head and tossing it down the escalator into the baggage reclaim hall.

Dell told the jury: “Look, how hard is it to read the signboard, choose a coffee, tell the damn girl behind the counter what you want and pay for it?

“This indecisive twat seemed to want all day to make a perfectly simple choice so I axed him to death on the spot.

“It seemed like the most natural thing in the world”

Judge William Carter told the jury to dismiss the charge before addressing the court: “Mr Dell was clearly at the end of his rope and I for one don’t blame him for his actions.

“It would be a gross miscarriage of justice to further extend the defendant’s suffering and I am minded to award Mr Dell two hundred pounds out of the public purse for dispatching this utter throbber, who clearly delighted in getting on people’s tits”

The decision comes just two weeks after a woman from neighbouring Stepney was given an absolute discharge for garotting an old age pensioner in the queue for the checkout at a local Waitrose supermarket when the elderly woman began rummaging in her purse for money-off coupons as soon as she reached the till.

Local man’s hatred for chatty and convivial supermarket woman knows no boundsĀ 

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A man dealing with a cheery woman in the olden days

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has described how a personable woman in the queue for the tills at a local Lidl supermarket invoked in him a murderous, exponential rage that consumed him in a spiralling vortex of raw, unbridled hatred.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, told The Whelk: “I was already feeling a bit agitated when I joined the queue.

“I’d had a tiring day at work and just wanted to get home to stick my trotters up in front of the TV for the evening.

“So when this woman in front of me kept turning around, making light-hearted comments about everything from the weather to the price of minced beef, I felt this almost uncontrollable rage well up inside me.

“Then, when she finally got to the till and began chatting in a warm and friendly manner with the checkout girl, I realised that if I had been armed with an assault rifle I would have emptied it into this bitch without turning a hair”

Mr Dell served a 7-year prison sentence in May 1995 for assault occasioning grievous bodily harm after an incident in a Waitrose car park when he battered a man with a tyre iron who had cheerily asked him if he was going to watch the FA Cup Final later that day.

If you’re suffering from anger management issues don’t come whining to me about it or I’ll batter you from arseole to Saturday, you worthless piece of crap – Ed.

Stabbing disrupts class for anger management

knife

 

An anger management session at a local authority facility was halted yesterday afternoon after an attendee stabbed a fellow class member repeatedly following a disagreement on who was benefiting the most from the 21-day course.

Another class member told The Whitechapel Whelk: “The session was going pretty well initially and then things got heated when the lecturer asked people to give anecdotal evidence which would illustrate how the sessions had improved their behaviour under provocation.

This fella stood up and said that he’d resisted the temptation to assault his next-door neighbour for parking in front of his driveway and had merely left a passive-aggressive note on his windscreen and slashed his tyres.

At this point, another class member started calling him cowardly and scared to have a man-to-man straightener with the neighbour.

“He then told the class that his rehabilitation was far more impressive and that he hadn’t attacked his wife and kids for almost a fortnight

“The first bloke then pulled a blade from his jacket and started stabbing the geezer repeatedly.

“A few of us then jumped on top of him and gave him a battering before the lecturer put a stop to it by pulling a gun and shooting one of the lads in the back”

Just two weeks earlier, police had to be called to the venue when a drunken brawl broke out in the car park following a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Local man recreating foreign holiday at home killed after toppling from own balcony

photo of man jumping from boat to the sea
Brit holidaymakers pictured practising balcony falls in Magaluf last year

A 24-year-old man who tried to replicate a sunkissed holiday in Magaluf at his home in Whitechapel has fallen to his death from his bedroom balcony as he pretended to be enjoying drunken, hotel room hi-jinx following a night spent drinking heavily in bars along the strip.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Leman Street, was found lifeless in his front garden, dressed only in Union Jack shorts and a vomit-stained bandana.

His girlfriend, Tracy Carter, 22, wept as she told us: “Toby was gutted when his holiday to Spain was cancelled due to coronavirus, so he set aside two weeks to replicate it in his house.

“He bought loads of beer and cheap spirits from the supermarket and built a little bar in his front room.

“He would go in there every night and get absolutely legless.

“Sometimes, he’d go out in the back yard after a skinful and fall asleep on the path in a pool of sick, pretending it was the main street in Magaluf.

“He even rubbed on loads of fake tan and burned himself with an oxy/acetylene torch to imitate overdoing it in the sun on the first day.

“I’m really sorry that he’s dead because we’d booked a week in Marbella this September and now I’m going to have to try to get the deposit back”

In other related news, a 19-year-old man from nearby Aldgate has slept with a number of drug-addicted prostitutes in the hope of getting the sexually transmitted disease he would have contracted in Ibiza next month if Easyjet hadn’t cancelled his flight.

Local woman slams partner’s ‘pathetic’ performance after semaphore sex romp

sema

A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman has berated her boyfriend’s sexual performance, branding it, ‘pathetic’, after the pair had indulged in a steamy romp using semaphore flags.

Tracy Dell, a hairdresser from Dock Lane, told a Whelk reporter: “We’d not been able to meet up for regular sex due to the lockdown, so I hit upon the idea of doing it by semaphore from the roofs of our blocks of flats which are quite close to each other.

“I made a real effort on the night. I did my hair and makeup and put on a revealing, off the shoulder cocktail dress before going up to the roof

“I knew he was impressed because he started signalling in an excited manner as soon as he saw me, but I was more interested in the long game, so I signalled that I was putting my dressing gown on to keep the cold out.

“He slowed down a bit then but as soon as I signalled that I was climbing into bed he began signalling furiously. At one point he was going so fast I couldn’t even make out what he was saying.

“Suddenly his flags went limp at his sides and I could see that he was lighting a cigarette.

“I signalled that I could wait another half an hour but he wasn’t interested.

“He then gave the standard signing off signal and left the roof.

“A bit later, I had a look through my binoculars and spotted him in his flat on his Playstation. Absolutely pathetic”

Miss Dell’s revelations come just a week after a 22-year-old woman from neighbouring Aldgate complained that her boyfriend, who had been drinking heavily in his flat in Spitalfields, was unable to gain an erection, despite the fact that she told him she was wearing a French maid’s outfit via Morse code.

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