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The Whitechapel Whelk

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Toby Dell

Local man ejaculated during bout of extreme nose-blowing, court told

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A 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday told magistrates that a bout of hard nose-blowing had been behind the fact that he ejaculated onto the door of a crowded District Line tube train carriage in January this year.

Toby Dell, a foundry worker from Commercial Street, told the court that the sheer force of his nasal expulsions had triggered an involuntary orgasm and that he had no intention of committing an act of gross indecency.

“I was suffering from a heavy cold and just wanted to clear my nose because I was struggling to breathe,” he told Horseferry Road magistrates court.

“All of a sudden my trouser zip burst open and I inadvertently ejaculated onto the door.

“It was purely an accident,” he said, “I wasn’t even aroused.”

Sentencing Dell to a 9-month prison sentence, suspended for one year, the magistrate, Terence Carter, told the defendant: “The court proposes leniency in this instance, but if you return to this court having shot your custard in public again you can expect a substantial custodial sentence to be imposed.”

Last August, a 23-year-old woman from Pimlico in West London was fined £150 for behaviour likely to cause a breach of the peace after she had a series of shattering climaxes during a prolonged bout of coughing in the waiting room at her doctor’s surgery.

Self-Published Author Attacks Regular Published Author With Axe

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A bloody axe similar to the type of desperate, ‘please buy me’, thing you would find on a self-published book cover

A 40-year-old Whitechapel man was in police custody last night after attacking a 55-year-old man with an axe in what is believed to have been an act of publishing-based jealousy.

The arrested man, Toby Dell from Leman Street, was allegedly envious of the victim’s success in getting a book published by a recognised publishing house, while Dell had to resort to constantly having his work launched on Amazon in a desperate bid for some kind of recognition no matter how ill-deserved.

We spoke to a neighbour last night who told us: “Toby was a really nice bloke before he got involved in the self-publishing game.

“Then, he seemed to change almost overnight. He became withdrawn and aggressive.

“He used to launch into angry outbursts, during which he would attack published authors. He used to call them scumbags and liberty-takers. Even the good ones like Stephen King, Steinbeck and Charles Dickens.

“So when I heard he’d gone for this bloke with an axe I wasn’t surprised, to be honest with you”

The injured man is now recovering in The Royal London Hospital where he is said to be comfortable and availing himself of a number of the proper books from the hospital library

Dell will appear at Horseferry Road magistrates court on Monday charged with attempted murder and writing without due care and talent.

EDITOR’S NOTE: We have been informed that people lacking the talent to have their work published in the conventional way prefer to be known as ‘indie authors’, which, we are reliably informed is the abbreviated vernacular for indescribably atrocious. You can also recognise them easily enough by their penchant for inserting the word, author, writer, bard, or, novelist, in their online screen name.

Local woman divorces ‘disabled’ husband after carrying him upstairs every night for thirty-four years

divorce cake

A 62-year-old Whitechapel woman is divorcing her husband of thirty-four years after discovering that he had been faking the inability to walk since they returned from their honeymoon in 1987, resulting in her having to carry him upstairs on her back ever since.

Tracy Dell from Thrawl Street, told us: “I’ve been terribly naive. I should have realised he was faking as soon as he asked me to carry him upstairs when we got back from our honeymoon.

“He told me that the doctor had diagnosed a muscle-wasting disease that made it tricky for him to climb the stairs.

“I was young and in love and I believed him and have been carrying him upstairs every night ever since.

“I even built a kind of sledge which he would climb into at the bottom of the stairs and I would pull him up by hauling on a rope, but as I got older, I became too weak to do it and kept losing my grip which used to send him flying down into the paraffin heater in the hall.

“I only found out he was lying when I came home early from work last week with a headache and heard him having a shit in the upstairs loo after I’d left him downstairs in the kitchen eating his breakfast.

“At least I didn’t have to carry him down in the mornings as he used to do it himself by sliding down the stairs on a tea tray into some cushions.”

A Whelk reporter confronted the man, Toby Dell, 65, as he was being pushed around a local shopping centre in a wheelchair by a young woman, but he fled from our questioning by sprinting up a nearby escalator, going in the wrong direction.

Local man expresses concern at Bill Gates’ continued failure to switch off vaccinated ma-in-law

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A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk of his disquiet over the hitherto failure of Microsoft mogul, Bill Gates, to kill his mother-in-law after the 79-year-old received her first covid-19 jab last Thursday

Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Dorset Street, told us: “I’d read on the internet that Bill Gates has put a microchip in these vaccines so that he can switch people off if they refuse to do his will.

“Well, the wife’s mother had her jab last week and hasn’t even received her instructions yet, much less been killed for refusing to obey them.

“Once again it’s another example of rich people promising us the moon and failing to deliver.”

Mr Gates was unavailable for comment last night but a website dedicated to his role in vaccine development informed us that he’s only been switching off the over-90s and vegetarians so far but has now deployed his faithful lackeys, Tom Hanks and Nancy Pelosi to deal with the backlog.

If you felt your hackles rising at the mention of Ms Pelosi you’re definitely a Republican arseole and should go boil your fucking head in a bucket – Ed

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‘Not obese enough’ Brit couple refused Spanish citizenship

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No way Jose. Brit couple’s dream shattered

A British couple who have owned a holiday home in Spain for the last six years have been refused their request to adopt Spanish citizenship on the grounds that they don’t weigh enough, either individually or jointly.

Toby Dell, 54, and his 52-year-old wife Tracy, from Whitechapel, were told by the Spanish Embassy to pile on the pounds before their request would be considered.

Mr Dell, told The Whelk: “We were gutted when our application was turned down because we weren’t fat enough.

“To be fair I’m pretty flabby and tip the scales at over sixteen stone and the missus is an absolute tugboat and not far behind me, but it wasn’t enough for the Spanish apparently.

“We’ve now started eating foods high in saturated fat, washed down with at least twelve pints of Guinness a day to try and meet the criteria before applying again”

A spokesman for the Spanish Embassy told us: “These people were nowhere near obese enough to qualify for citizenship, although the woman did have a bit of a gut on her.

“You’ve only got to look at TV shows like A Place In The Sun to see that only British people carrying dangerous amounts of excess weight are accepted.

“Another reason they were turned down was the fact that they had tried to learn a few Spanish phrases.

“This flies directly in the face of the traditional British practice of shouting at foreigners and adding an ‘o’ to the odd word in each sentence’

Last week, a couple from Shoreditch who had voted to remain in the EU in 2016 were refused Portuguese citizenship for having an IQ in excess of their shoe size.

Local masochist beats self to a pulp

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Dell pictured being stitched without anaesthetic at his own insistence last night

A local man with a long history of masochistic behaviour was rushed to The Royal London Hospital in Whitechapel yesterday afternoon after a neighbour spotted him lying unconscious and badly self-beaten in his back yard.

Toby Dell, 54, from Berner Street, had given himself such a good hiding during a bout of self-battering that he required thirty six stitches to facial wounds and was also treated for abrasions and deep bruising to the torso and upper thighs.

Dell, who has been working himself over for more than twenty years told a Whelk reporter: “I decided I’d been a naughty boy that needed to be disciplined.

“I started with some light flagellation using a leather riding crop but got a bit carried away and ending up giving myself a thoroughly good tonking.

“I feel dreadful at being a drain on the NHS at a time when they are stretched to breaking point and will be beating the crap out of myself as a punishment as soon as I get home.”

In other related news, a 32-year-old woman with sadistic tendencies was arrested at her home last week for allegedly forcing her husband to watch three episodes of The Michael McIntyre Show while nailed to the ceiling.

BREXIT UPDATE: Local man who doesn’t mind an occasional Guinness applies for Irish passport.

brexit bus

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he has now applied for an Irish passport to avoid being lumped in with people who voted for Brexit Britain.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Thrawl Street told us: “I hate the idea of leaving the European Union and abandoning all the benefits, both trade-related and cultural that this country has enjoyed for the past 47 years, just because a bunch of beetle-browed, racist fuckwits from the north of England voted to leave the union in the belief that we’d get blue passports and less darkies walking the streets.

“I’ve therefore applied for an Irish passport and will move to County Leitrim with the wife and cat just as soon as it comes through.

“I’ve got no Irish connections whatsoever, but I don’t mind the odd pint of Draught Guinness whenever I’m constipated, so, hopefully, that should swing it in my favour”

In related news, a pro-Brexit man from Barnsley in Yorkshire shot himself earlier today when he discovered, that despite Britain having left the EU, his local newsagent was still being run by a Pakistani.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Any readers from overseas who are undecided about the wisdom of Britain leaving the EU should take on board the fact that Donald Trump – a man who fervently believes that covfefe is grown in a country called Nambia and that people with covid should guzzle down copious quantities of bleach – considered it to be a good idea before reaching any conclusion

Whitechapel kids to be forced to run around outside with new devices on Xmas morning

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Whitechapel children pictured queuing outside PC World last night

In a bid to resurrect the Christmas tradition of yesteryear, when hordes of excited youngsters would be seen in the streets, early on Christmas morning, excitedly riding gleaming new bicycles or operating battery-controlled cars etc, the London Borough of Tower Hamlets has ordered all children under the age of 13 to run around outside, configuring and then deploying their new electronic devices, whether it be a smartphone, a tablet or a small laptop.

A spokesman for the council told BBC London Tonight: “We all miss seeing the excited faces of kids trying out their new gifts on Christmas morning whether it be a new bike or a gleaming set of roller skates.

“Sadly, with the advent of electronic devices, this has become largely a thing of the past as youngsters these days unwrap their new phone or tablet and then disappear into their bedrooms for days on end, emerging from time to time to pick at their food before returning to their rooms once more.

“We have therefore decided to force any child in receipt of an electronic device to run around the streets, doing their texting, Facetiming, or gaming until they are called in for their Christmas dinner when all devices will be confiscated until they’ve wolfed down the last morsel of Christmas pudding with brandy butter or similar.”

We spoke to a number of youngsters in the Whitechapel area who expressed dismay at the ruling, including young Toby Dell III, aged ten, who told us: “This ruling is an absolute joke.

“For one thing, it will be really cold outside, and for another, the local gang members will steal our phones and use them to organise drug deals before throwing them into the Thames”

In other related news, the South London district of Bermondsey has called upon locals to recreate the much-loved, bygone Yuletide practice of violent brawling with knives and life-preservers between family members as the drink once again starts flowing after the post-Xmas dinner nap.

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