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Toby Dell

Arthritic local Catholic man deems it ok to give thumbs-up before Latin Mass

12 - At the elevation of the Host

A 55-year-old Roman Catholic man has decided that it’s perfectly acceptable to deliver a thumbs-up gesture towards the altar prior to the Solemn Latin Mass instead of the customary genuflection which would involve bending his arthritic knee.

Toby Dell, a foundry worker from Vallance Road, told a Whelk reporter: “I’m pretty certain God understands that I’m struggling a bit with my arthritis these days and that bending my right knee before taking my seat at Latin Mass on Sundays is becoming more and more painful

“A simple thumbs-up is perfectly adequate in my view. It indicates my respect for the church and doesn’t detract from my faith in The Lord one iota.

“Mind you, I wouldn’t fancy trying it in a Protestant church. That Prod God is a real nasty bastard by all accounts and would probably strike me down with a lightning bolt on the way to the pub after the service or something along those lines.”

A spokesman for the Catholic church told us: “It’s perfectly acceptable for the aged or the infirm to genuflect in the best way possible in line with the nature and extent of their individual physical difficulty.

“However, we would ask them to put in double the amount they normally pay into the collection box before the Eucharist as penance.”

In 2013, a wheelchair-bound woman from neighbouring Poplar was ejected from, St Mary of The Immaculate Conception church in Wapping, after yelling, “Alright mate?” at a carved edifice of Christ suspended above the altar bearing the Blessed Sacrament.

Local man ejaculated during bout of extreme nose-blowing court told

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A 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday told magistrates that a stint of hard nose-blowing had been behind the fact that he had ejaculated onto the door of a crowded District Line tube train carriage in July this year.

Toby Dell, a foundry worker from Commercial Street, told the court that the sheer force of his nasal expulsions had triggered an involuntary orgasm and that he had no intention of committing an act of gross indecency.

“I was suffering from a heavy cold and just wanted to clear my nose because I was struggling to breathe,” he told Horseferry Road magistrates court.

“All of a sudden my trouser zip burst open and I inadvertently ejaculated on the door.

“It was purely an accident,” he said, “I wasn’t even aroused.”

Sentencing Dell to a 9-month prison sentence, suspended for one year, the magistrate, Terence Carter, told the defendant: “The court proposes leniency in this instance, but if you return to this court having shot your custard in public again you can expect a substantial custodial sentence to be imposed.”

Last August, a 23-year-old woman from Pimlico in West London was fined £150 for behaviour likely to cause a breach of the peace after she had a series of shattering climaxes during a bout of coughing in the waiting room at her doctor’s surgery.

Local woman battered husband with TV stand to ‘limber up’ for Black Friday

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A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman has told a court that she beat her husband with a television stand to get in some practice for the hurly-burly, Black Friday melee in 7 days time

Tracy Dell of Vallance Road, fractured the skull of her husband, Toby, with the stand, causing him to receive 12 stitches in a head wound during the incident at their home last Tuesday.

Mrs Dell told the court: “I wanted to limber up for Black Friday and thought it would be a good idea to give my hubby a few clumps with the TV stand, to get my eye in, so to speak.

“If I’d known he was going to get blood on the carpet I’d have done it in the front garden”

Mrs Dell was fined twenty-five pounds and was bound over to keep the peace.

In December 2014, a woman from neighbouring Shoreditch killed her husband of 25 years with a mini-fridge, claiming that she was practising for the forthcoming January sales.

Local man caged for shouting at armed intruder

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An armed intruder in the olden days

A London man was given two consecutive life sentences at The Old Bailey yesterday, after being found guilty of shouting loudly at a burglar who had broken into his home in the early hours of the morning in June of this year.

Toby Dell, a postman from Whitechapel, East London, with no previous convictions, wept in the dock as the sentence was handed down by Mr Justice Terence Carter, who recommended that he should serve the full life term with no prospect of parole.

In his address to the defendant, Justice Carter said: “Society in general and the criminal fraternity, in particular, deserve a long rest from your activities.

“You are quite clearly a ruthless and callous man who is prepared to go to any lengths to inflict suffering and distress on anyone you perceive as a threat to your property, or wife and children.”

On the night in question, Dell, 68, had been woken by a noise at his terraced council home in Vallance Road, and, after arming himself with a rolled-up copy of The East London Gazette, had gone downstairs to investigate.

The court was told he saw James “Jimmy The Cat” Biggs, a convicted house-breaker with over 200 previous convictions for petty theft and assault, rifling through his sideboard.

Dell then called out in a loud agitated voice: “Oi! What do you think you’re doing? Get out!” whereupon Biggs pistol-whipped Dell to the ground, fracturing his skull, before making his escape through a window that he’d smashed to gain entry.

He was later found drinking heavily in a nearby public house by police officers who topped up his pint and gave him a packet of 20 Senior Service cigarettes.

The arresting officer, PC Len Hoadley, told the court “Mr Biggs was in an absolutely shocking condition when I spotted him in the public bar of The Bunch Of Grapes public house in Stepney.

“He looked visibly distressed and was very unsteady on his feet. Clearly, the trauma of being shouted at by Dell that night had taken a terrible toll on him.

“Myself, and fellow officer, WPC Philbert, bought him a fresh pint and gave him a pack of 20 cigarettes to steady his nerves, whereupon he broke down and told us of the terrible events of that evening.

“We immediately called for backup, and along with a number of officers in full riot gear, we smashed our way into Dell’s house where we found him quite blatantly lying unconscious on the kitchen floor in a pool of blood with a gaping head wound as if he didn’t have a care in the world. It was chilling to witness to be perfectly honest.”

Dell’s wife and children are now in hiding at a secret address to avoid being targeted by furious local vigilante groups.

Local mum forced to abort car journey after teen son leaves home without masturbating

An antique car on Greenway Terrace for the filming of HBO's "Mildred Pierce".

A 39-year-old Whitechapel mother of two was forced to turn back ten minutes into a car journey after her 16-year-old son complained that he hadn’t masturbated before leaving home.

Tracy Dell from Vallance Road, told us: “We were on a trip to visit my mum in Pimlico when my eldest, Toby, told me that he hadn’t masturbated that morning and didn’t think he could hold it until we got to his grandmother’s place.

“I had to turn back and then wait outside for a few minutes until he’d finished.

“I wouldn’t mind but I asked him if he needed to clear his tubes before we left but he said he was ok and that if he did need to ejaculate on the way he could do it in some bushes at the side of the road.

“My 16-year-old daughter was also in the car but she said she could wait until we got to my mum’s house”

In a similar incident two weeks ago, a mother from neighbouring Stepney told us that her 15-year-old son had embarrassed her by climaxing noisily into an ice cream carton during a performance of La Boheme at The Royal Opera House, Covent Garden.

Britain’s longest-serving lighthouse keeper marries transistor radio

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A 54-year-old man who has been on duty in a lighthouse in the Thames estuary for a record 27 years without a break, yesterday tied the knot with the small Japanese transistor radio that has been his only contact with the rest of the world throughout his marathon tenure.

Toby Dell, originally from Whitechapel in East London, told The Whelk: “It’s been a pretty lonely life and I probably wouldn’t have been able to stay sane without my radio, so when it agreed to become my wife yesterday I felt like the luckiest man on the planet

“It’s already been like a wife to me down the years. It sings to me when I tune into Radio 2, it chats away when I switch to the LBC phone-ins, and even emits a high-pitched whine when I’m watching football on the TV if I tune it in between stations”

Mr Dell then admitted that the sexual side of the relationship hasn’t been the best and that he can only obtain relief by pleasuring himself late at night if a female weather forecaster is reading the shipping forecast on BBC Radio 4.

Local woman boils kettle on Brexiteer husband’s head

See the source image

A 54-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she boiled a full kettle of water by placing it on the head of her staunch Brexiteer husband’s head during a party political broadcast by the Liberal Democrats.

Tracy Dell from Commercial Street, told us: “I was sitting in the lounge watching TV with my husband, Toby, when the Lib Dem’s party broadcast started.

“Straight away, I noticed the temperature in the room go up when they started talking about scrapping Brexit.

“I knew from experience that it was due to the heat coming from Toby’s head, and, sure enough, when I looked at him, he was bright red and the vein in his temple was throbbing like the clappers.

“I didn’t want to miss the chance to save a few bob so I stuck the kettle on his head and boiled it up for a cuppa.

“His head was so hot it only took around half a minute. In the end, I had to switch the telly over to a wildlife programme to stop it from boiling over”

Mrs Dell also confided that she uses her husband to take the chill off the guest bedroom when the children are staying over by getting her him to sit in there for ten minutes with a picture of the European Union’s Chief Negotiator, Michel Barnier.

Local woman drowned tot in a bucket after ‘Benny Hill’ jibe

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Tragic tot, Toby, pictured in happier times

A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman drowned her 3-year-old son in a bucket after a comment was made on social media likening the youngster to the late comedian, Benny Hill, an Old Bailey jury heard yesterday

Tracy Dell, a single mother from York Street, had entered her son, Toby, in a newspaper’s ‘Beautiful Baby’ competition in July this year.

The following day, a Facebook comment was made by someone on Miss Dell’s friends list, pointing out the likeness between the child and the podgy1970s comic.

Pleading guilty to manslaughter on the grounds of diminished responsibility, Miss Dell told the court: “To me, Toby was beautiful in every way, so when I spotted that he’d been likened to Benny Hill, something snapped and I grabbed his ankles and dropped him headfirst into a bucket of water.

“In my mind, I thought I’d be doing him a favour and would be saving Toby from a lifetime of ridicule.

“After all, it’s every mother’s instinct to protect her child and that’s what I thought I was doing”

The jury was later shown pictures of the child, which prompted a number of them to suppress laughter and for one of them to repeatedly slap a small bald juror on top of his head.

The case continues.

Local Man convinced that the No.24 bus is ever-present among us like God

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A 52-year-old Whitechapel man has told a Whelk reporter that he believes that the number 24 bus is an omnipresent entity that pervades the lives of all humanity and will continue to do so until the very end of time.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver from Commercial Street, told us: “Everywhere I go in town I see a number 24 bus.

“It doesn’t matter if I’m in East London, West London, or even south of the river, the 24 is always there.

“I believe it’s been sent to watch over us and to keep us from harm.

“Unless, of course, you’re like my neighbour who stepped off the kerb in Victoria Street in front of one and was killed instantly.

“I can only assume he’d lived a sinful life and that the number 24 was wreaking its wrath and vengeance upon him for straying from the path of righteousness

“For is it not written; The Number 24 bus is a vengeful bus and all who stray from its path shall be cast down into the pit.”

A spokesman for Transport For London last night denied Mr Dell’s assertions: “The number 24 is not a terrible, ubiquitous deity that is all-pervasive and omnipresent.

“However, we do concede that it goes from Pimlico to Hampstead Heath, seven days a week and that there are quite a lot of them.  Especially in Tottenham Court Road during the rush hour”

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