The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888


Tom Hardy

I fantasise about fat middle-aged men in string vests says, Mrs Tom Hardy

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A badly out-of-shape Hardy pictured looking as rough as a badger’s arse last night

The wife of hunky actor, Tom Hardy, has told a magazine that she routinely thinks about overweight middle-aged men in grimy underwear during lovemaking bouts with her sex symbol husband.

Mrs Charlotte Hardy, 35, told OK magazine: “The only reason I stay with Tom is for the money. If he was skint, I’d leave him like a shot”

“I know millions of women envy me and think that he’s a real babe, but to me, he looks like shit on a stick.

“To be honest, when Tom gets fruity in bed and hops on board, I switch the bedside lamp off so that I don’t have to look at his sweaty dial and then imagine I’m being ravished by a 56-year-old furniture porter from Shoreditch, wearing a greasy string vest and really baggy Y-Front Jockey underpants.

“To spice up our love life a bit, I even ordered a string vest and pants set from my catalogue and asked Tom to wear them during a scuttling, but he’s not having it”

Mrs Hardy’s confession comes just a month after the wife of Hollywood dreamboat, George Clooney, told Hello magazine that she puts a bag over his head before sex and imagines that she’s getting the good news from one of the vagrants who live under the Hammersmith flyover.


Whitechapel’s male population reduced by one-third as Xmas tree lights death toll reaches new high


Shocking: A local man pictured doing the lights on the tree in the front garden last night


It is estimated that a record one-third of men in Whitechapel were killed this weekend as they decorated the family Christmas tree with fairy lights.

The vast majority were victims of electrocution, although there were a number of reports of men who were killed by tripping over wires and banging their heads on solid objects.

There was also a case involving a man whose wife shot him dead after he insisted on using an elaborate, twinkling sequence that she didn’t approve of.

The woman in question was later released without charge after explaining to police that she was approaching the onset of her menstrual cycle.

In other related news, a 29-year-old woman from Bromley By Bow died from a digestive disorder in hospital on Saturday night after eating the entire contents of her five children’s selection boxes while watching Tom Hardy’s acclaimed portrayal of The Kray Twins in the hit movie, Legend.

Whitechapel woman accidentally rows 30 miles down The Thames while thinking about Tom Hardy


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A woman thinking about Tom Hardy in the olden days


The Whitechapel Whelk has learned that a 42-year-old local woman accidentally climbed into a rowing boat and rowed 30 miles down river while she was preoccupied by lurid thoughts about the actor, Tom Hardy.

Tracy Dell, a shop assistant from Commercial Road, told The Whelk: “I was walking along Lower Thames Street when I suddenly started thinking about how fit Tom Hardy is.

“The next thing I knew I was being towed to the shore at Canvey Island by the river police.

“I can only assume that I was so intent on thinking about Tom Hardy that I climbed into a boat at Tower Bridge and rowed 30 miles down river.

“It was worth it though as I managed to think of him taking his shirt off and slowly removing his belt as I rowed past Gravesend”

Mrs Dell’s husband, Toby, 53, told The Whelk: “She’s always doing this. Last week I had to go and fetch her from the Isle of Wight after she’d swum across The Solent thinking about Mr Darcy out of Pride and Prejudice emerging from a lake with his nob dangling out of his trousers”

In other news, a 25-year-old man from Shoreditch fell down a manhole while looking at pictures of the attractive blonde Irish political leader, Michelle O’Neil, on his phone.

Local woman in loving relationship unable to quell inappropriate thoughts about Tom Hardy.


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Hardy pictured looking as rough as a badger’s arse last night


A 35-year-old woman from Whitechapel in East London has told us, that, despite her best efforts, she is unable to curb her lustful thoughts about the actor, Tom Hardy, even though she’s in a loving and fulfilling relationship with a man she describes as her ‘soul mate’

Tracy Dell, a legal secretary, wept as she told us: “I love my partner so much, he truly is my soul mate and the love of my life.

“However, whenever I see Tom Hardy on TV, I start fantasising about seeing him naked and begin to wish I was romping with him in front of a roaring log fire where he takes me roughly over and over until he’s sated and lying beside me on the rug, sweating heavily and panting from his exertions.

“I haven’t gone so far as to fantasise about Tom when my partner and I make love, but it’s probably only a matter of time.

“It makes me feel so dirty, and even unfaithful to my man when I have these thoughts and desires”

Miss Dell’s revelation comes just 2 weeks after a woman from Shoreditch admitted that she makes her husband wear a Johnny Depp, ‘Captain Jack Black’ outfit on Friday nights before he’s allowed to give her a scuttling after he’s arrived back from the pub.

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