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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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Tower Hamlets

Whitechapel kids to be forced to run around outside with new devices on Xmas morning

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Whitechapel children pictured queuing outside PC World last night

In a bid to resurrect the Christmas tradition of yesteryear, when hordes of excited youngsters would be seen in the streets, early on Christmas morning, excitedly riding gleaming new bicycles or operating battery-controlled cars etc, the London Borough of Tower Hamlets has ordered all children under the age of 13 to run around outside, configuring and then deploying their new electronic devices, whether it be a smartphone, a tablet or a small laptop.

A spokesman for the council told BBC London Tonight: “We all miss seeing the excited faces of kids trying out their new gifts on Christmas morning whether it be a new bike or a gleaming set of roller skates.

“Sadly, with the advent of electronic devices, this has become largely a thing of the past as youngsters these days unwrap their new phone or tablet and then disappear into their bedrooms for days on end, emerging from time to time to pick at their food before returning to their rooms once more.

“We have therefore decided to force any child in receipt of an electronic device to run around the streets, doing their texting, Facetiming, or gaming until they are called in for their Christmas dinner when all devices will be confiscated until they’ve wolfed down the last morsel of Christmas pudding with brandy butter or similar.”

We spoke to a number of youngsters in the Whitechapel area who expressed dismay at the ruling, including young Toby Dell III, aged ten, who told us: “This ruling is an absolute joke.

“For one thing, it will be really cold outside, and for another, the local gang members will steal our phones and use them to organise drug deals before throwing them into the Thames”

In other related news, the South London district of Bermondsey has called upon locals to recreate the much-loved, bygone Yuletide practice of violent brawling with knives and life-preservers between family members as the drink once again starts flowing after the post-Xmas dinner nap.

Local man orbits Venus in converted shed

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A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has reportedly orbited the planet Venus in a garden shed that he had converted into a rudimentary rocketship over the course of less than a dozen weekends.

Toby Dell, a gravity caster at Whitechapel Bell Foundry, blasted off into space on Monday just after midday, reaching Venus at around 2.30 pm on the following day.

According to NASA, Dell has completed an orbit of the planet and has now deployed the shed’s retro rockets to blast free from its gravitational pull.

According to his wife, Tracy, 47, he intends to attempt a brief landing on Mars on the way back, although he has expressed concerns about damaging the Ronseal creosote protective coating on his larch lap craft when he touches down on the Red Planet.

Speaking to a Whelk reporter last night, Mrs Dell said: “I didn’t even know he was turning the shed into a rocket.

“He certainly never mentioned it to me. I thought he was out there looking at mucky books like most men”

Dell’s mission mirrors that of a 45-year-old man from neighbouring Poplar, who, in 1987, became the first man to reach Neptune in a Borough of Tower Hamlets wheelie bin.

CRIME UPDATE: ENTIRE POPULATION OF WHITECHAPEL FOUND STABBED TO DEATH IN OVERNIGHT BLOODBATH

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Whitechapel pictured during happier times

In one of the bloodiest episodes East London has ever witnessed, the entire population of Whitechapel were found stabbed to death earlier this morning.

The bodies of 14,876 people were found by Tower Hamlets council dustmen when they arrived at 5.00 am to empty the bins.

One of the workers, Toby Dell, 32, told newsmen: “It was pretty grim, to be honest.

“There were bodies strewn all over the place. It was like a scene from one of those war films.

“It was obvious that they had all been stabbed as they had knives sticking out of them.

“I know that knife crime has been on the rise recently but you don’t expect this sort of thing do you?”

A Metropolitan police spokesman told reporters: “We haven’t made any arrests as yet but we are currently questioning 13,780 people from Bermondsey in South London and have released 12,453 on police bail”

There has been bad feeling between the two districts since Whitechapel narrowly pipped their South London rivals in the annual, London’s Most Well-Kept Front Garden contest in June of last year.

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