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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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Tracy Dell

Biden’s presidency leads to local piano accordion boom

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The recent rise in popularity of the piano accordion in the district of Whitechapel has been linked to the newly formed presidency of Joe Biden, according to a poll conducted among residents.

Since the inauguration, over ninety per cent of Whitechapel residents have taken up the instrument, with many playing in the street, in supermarkets and even public lavatories.

One local woman, Tracy Dell, 52, from Berner Street, told The Whelk: “Since Trump got the boot and Joe took up office, I’ve rarely stopped playing and neither has my husband and the kids.

“I’ve learned The Rose of Traylee by heart and can also play Adagio by Andoni with the aid of sheet music.

“It’s as if the whole district is celebrating Joe’s win through the music of the piano accordion and I couldn’t be happier”

In 1962, the Yorkshire town of Sheffield experienced a huge spike in mouth organ recitals following Prime Minister Harold Wilson’s famous, ‘The pound in your pocket’ speech during a televised election broadcast on the BBC.

Local Woman Falls in Love With Google Pegman

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Roadmap to romance? Pegman pictured playing it cool last night

A 52-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she has fallen in love with the little yellow pegman figure that is used to navigate the streets on Google Maps Streetview.

Tracy Dell, a secretary in a local forklift truck company, told us: “I first realised I had feelings for the Google Pegman when I was planning a family holiday in Mablethorpe in Yorkshire.

“I was using him to negotiate some of the roads leading down to the beach when I began to notice how attractive he was.

“Over the next few weeks, I fell head-over-heels and began fantasising about sleeping with him and wondering if he’d be a considerate and tender lover.

“I tried to make him notice me by using Google Maps while wearing a variety of saucy outfits but he seemed impervious to my charms.

“I’m now wondering if he might be gay and whether it would be worth my while dressing up as a fireman”

Ms Dell’s confession comes exactly 30 years after a 40-year-old woman from Shoreditch divorced her husband after she came home early and found him engaged in a saucy, aural sex romp with British Telecom’s, ‘The Speaking Clock’

Local woman divorces ‘disabled’ husband after carrying him upstairs every night for thirty-four years

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A 62-year-old Whitechapel woman is divorcing her husband of thirty-four years after discovering that he had been faking the inability to walk since they returned from their honeymoon in 1987, resulting in her having to carry him upstairs on her back ever since.

Tracy Dell from Thrawl Street, told us: “I’ve been terribly naive. I should have realised he was faking as soon as he asked me to carry him upstairs when we got back from our honeymoon.

“He told me that the doctor had diagnosed a muscle-wasting disease that made it tricky for him to climb the stairs.

“I was young and in love and I believed him and have been carrying him upstairs every night ever since.

“I even built a kind of sledge which he would climb into at the bottom of the stairs and I would pull him up by hauling on a rope, but as I got older, I became too weak to do it and kept losing my grip which used to send him flying down into the paraffin heater in the hall.

“I only found out he was lying when I came home early from work last week with a headache and heard him having a shit in the upstairs loo after I’d left him downstairs in the kitchen eating his breakfast.

“At least I didn’t have to carry him down in the mornings as he used to do it himself by sliding down the stairs on a tea tray into some cushions.”

A Whelk reporter confronted the man, Toby Dell, 65, as he was being pushed around a local shopping centre in a wheelchair by a young woman, but he fled from our questioning by sprinting up a nearby escalator, going in the wrong direction.

British Women Preparing To Turn Nasty On Xmas Day

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A British woman looks resentful as her husband breathes in and out as she’s about to baste the bird

According to reports, millions of women across the country are already preparing to turn very nasty while preparing the Christmas dinner.

It is estimated that at least 18 million British women will hurl abuse at their husbands or partners during the preparation of Christmas dinner, mostly for minor offences such as trying to get a drink of water when they want to drain the sprouts at the sink, or for standing in the doorway, meekly offering to make the gravy.

Last year, more than 6 million men visited the A&E department of their local hospital, with injuries ranging from carving knife wounds, to head injuries caused by being struck with a saucepan after offering to give the bread sauce a stir.

One man, Toby Dell, 47, from Whitechapel in East London, lost his life when his wife ran him through with a meat skewer, snatched from his hand as he tried to use it to see if the bird was thoroughly cooked through after she had taken it from the oven for basting.

His wife, Tracy Dell, 40, later stood trial for his murder at the Old Bailey last June, but was acquitted and awarded £500 from the public purse by Justice Hermione Boyce-Fotheringham after the court was told, that just seconds earlier, the deceased had brazenly asked her if she wanted a glass of Harvey’s Bristol Cream while she was in the middle of turning the roast potatoes.

This year, the government are advising all males to keep a safe distance from the kitchen while their partners prepare the Christmas dinner.

However, they are also warning men not to use this as an excuse to go to the pub. In 2016, just over 5 million men were admitted to hospital with severe gravy burns after they arrived back a few minutes late and had their dinner plate tipped over their head.

Hormonal woman slew husband with hatchet following tragic condensed milk error

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A 47-year-old woman from Whitechapel in East London appeared at the Old Bailey yesterday accused of murdering her husband of 15-years with a hatchet after he had deliberately put condensed milk in her morning cup of coffee.

Tracy Dell, a hairdresser from Leman Street, told the court that she was suffering from mood swings bought about by the onset of the menopause and that her husband’s condensed milk aberration had pushed her over the edge.

Under cross-examination, Mrs Dell said: “When I tasted that coffee I knew at once that he’d put condensed milk in it.

“He used to put it in his own and would often suggest I try it myself as he claimed it made it more creamy.

“Well, I wasn’t having that so I went for him with the hatchet.

“Fortunately, the first swing almost severed his head, so he didn’t really feel it when I hacked off his arms and legs

” Normally, I’d have just thrown the cup at him, but given that I was a bit hormonal I decided to kill him instead. In my view, he had it coming”.

The judge presiding, Justice Mary Jade, gave Mrs Dell an absolute discharge and told her in her summing up: “You acted out of character and were clearly a victim of a chemical imbalance.

“You are now free to leave the court. However, I would suggest that you make it plain to any future partner that you only take semi-skimmed with your hot beverages to avoid any future murderous attacks”

Mrs Dell was then driven away from court in a taxi with a reporter from the monthly periodical, The Menopausal Mayhem Bugle.

Local woman battered husband for lacing new boots too loosely

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A 24-year-old Whitechapel woman appeared in court yesterday charged with a serious assault on her husband after she noticed that he hadn’t laced up his boots tightly enough.

Tracy Dell, an accounts clerk, allegedly struck her husband, Toby, about the head with a piece of 4″ x 2″ timber causing him to lose consciousness in the street close to their home in Vallance Road.

After her arrest she told police that Mr Dell hadn’t laced his boots tightly enough, causing them to “flap around, making a racket”

Mr Dell, who had previously been savagely beaten in the street by his wife for tucking his shirt into his trousers in 2009, told a Whelk reporter outside Horseferry Road magistrates court, “I had it coming. I should have learned my lesson after the shirt business”

The case continues

Bereaved local mother slams women’s sanitary products ads

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A period of unease. Did these products lead to a young girl’s death?

The mother of a teenage girl who collapsed and died during her menstrual cycle broke down in front of reporters earlier today before furiously hitting out at the advertising campaigns employed by the makers of women’s sanitary products.

Mrs Mary Dell, 32, of Dock Street, Whitechapel, whose 17-year-old daughter, Tracy, collapsed and died whilst playing tennis in a pair of dazzlingly white shorts, believes that advertising campaigns which portray various women participating in a variety of sports and strenuous outdoor activities during menstruation are misleading and a bad influence on impressionable youngsters.

“Tracy was always a quiet and studious child who much preferred being indoors curled up with a book or chatting to her friends on Facebook to taking part in outdoor sports and so on,” she said.

“But as soon as she began her period her whole demeanour would change and almost immediately she’d put on blindingly white clothing before going off rock climbing, abseiling, roller blading and so on.

“She would even wait for a really windy day before going out for a game of tennis in a tiny skirt with a pair of white knickers on so that people could see how confident she was that her tampon wouldn’t let her down. I’m convinced that the physical demands on her body were to blame for her death

“In my day, we’d just stay in during our time of the month and help our mums with the housework, or sit up in our bedrooms reading books with a face like thunder. These companies have got a lot to answer for if you ask me”

The CEO of Discreet & Sure Products, Mrs Amanda Carter, spoke to reporters outside the company’s headquarters in Shoreditch last night.

“Of course we’re deeply sorry to learn of this terrible tragedy and our thoughts are with Tracy’s family at this distressing time, but we totally refute any allegations that we’re harming youngsters by encouraging them to pursue an active lifestyle during their menstrual cycle.

In fact, I’m in the middle of a particularly heavy period myself at the moment and cant wait to begin scaling a rockface wearing a pair of skintight white trousers and no knickers.”

Local woman’s glee at best friend’s dress choice error knows no bounds

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God no! A woman pictured about to commit an egregious fashion faux pas last night

A 23-year-old woman was unable to contain her glee last night after her best friend arrived at a party in a particularly unflattering dress that made her look like, ‘a sack tied up in the middle’, according to the woman’s description of her friend since childhood.

Tracy Dell, a hairstylist from Dock Street in Whitechapel, took a number of photographs of her friend, Melissa Carter, wearing the dress and then opened several fake social media accounts, posting the photos on all of them accompanied by cruel jibes and damning criticism of the woman’s dress sense and figure.

A mutual friend of the two women told a Whelk reporter: “Tracy really went to town on her. It was pretty heartless and unnecessary, even though Melissa did look like shit on a stick in that dress. Some girls could get away with wearing that sort of thing I suppose but not with an arse the size of hers.”

It is estimated, that during the Xmas party season, over 5 million British women will have the piss ripped out of them due to their choice of evening wear by other females who they assumed were their ‘besties’.

Local woman battered husband with TV stand to ‘limber up’ for Black Friday

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A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman has told a court that she beat her husband with a television stand to get in some practice for the hurly-burly, Black Friday melee in 7 days time

Tracy Dell of Vallance Road, fractured the skull of her husband, Toby, with the stand, causing him to receive 12 stitches in a head wound during the incident at their home last Tuesday.

Mrs Dell told the court: “I wanted to limber up for Black Friday and thought it would be a good idea to give my hubby a few clumps with the TV stand, to get my eye in, so to speak.

“If I’d known he was going to get blood on the carpet I’d have done it in the front garden”

Mrs Dell was fined twenty-five pounds and was bound over to keep the peace.

In December 2014, a woman from neighbouring Shoreditch killed her husband of 25 years with a mini-fridge, claiming that she was practising for the forthcoming January sales.

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