The Whitechapel Whelk

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People who stand up before the train arrives at the station ‘scum of the earth’ claims report

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People pictured standing on a train yesterday

A report released yesterday has revealed that train passengers who stand up well before the train has pulled into the station are the scum of the earth

The report, by a Cambridge University study group, further concludes that hanging is too good for these people and that they should have been drowned in a bucket at birth.

A spokesman for the university told newsmen: “Quite what these prize chumps hope to achieve by getting up and standing in the aisle as soon as the tannoy announces the next stop is beyond me.

“Our report calls them scum of the earth and worthy of infanticide, well I would go further.

“In my view, there needs to be a root and branch culling of these fucknuts until not one remains

“The same thing goes for people who start scrambling for the overhead lockers as soon as a plane lands.

“If it was up to me I’d lash them to the underside of the fuselage and leave them there for the return flight so that they die of terror and hypothermia”

Controversial budget airline, Ryanair, has responded by stating that although they would be comfortable with this last proposal, they would introduce a surcharge for passengers according to weight and air resistance, or ‘drag’.

‘Train Rage’ Local man held after attacking passengers on train that overtook his


steam train
Absolutely steaming. Mr Dell’s train pictured arriving at London Bridge yesterday


A 47-year-old Whitechapel man was in police custody last night after he attacked passengers on a train that had overtaken his own on the approach to London Bridge station yesterday.

According to a police spokesman, Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, became enraged when the 8.30 Oxted to London Bridge train pulled up alongside his own as they were held at a red signal and then pulled away marginally quicker before arriving at Platform 14, seconds before Mr Dell got to Platform 10

Dell then allegedly raced over to the other train and began attacking the passengers as they got off, accusing them of ‘liberty-taking’ and ‘trying to burn him off at the lights’

Two passengers received minor facial injuries and one was pushed to the ground before Dell finally calmed down after a young woman told him to ‘just leave it’ and that ‘they weren’t worth it’

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