Capital Punishment Monthly is a Fully Paid-Up Nasty Bastard Publication©
Capital Punishment Monthly is a Fully Paid-Up Nasty Bastard Publication©
Formula 1 world champion, Lewis Hamilton, last night launched a bitter attack on the four drivers that pushed him back into a disappointing 5th place finish in yesterday’s thrilling Austrian Grand Prix, which was eventually won by Red Bull’s Max Verstappen.
A visibly enraged Hamilton hit out at his rivals in a highly-charged post-race press conference.
“If these other four guys hadn’t finished in front of me, I’m absolutely convinced I could have got the win” he raged
“My car wasn’t really dialled-in to the race conditions and the team’s strategy was extremely poor, but I have no doubt in my mind that I would have still taken the chequered flag if these guys hadn’t pushed me back into fifth.
“If this is what F1 is coming to then I will seriously consider retirement at the end of the season.
“People, and my fellow racers, in particular, need to understand that I’m Lewis Hamilton and if they’re not prepared to slow down in order to hand me the win I shall report them to the FIA and continue to kick up fuck at post-race interviews until they do”
Hamilton then stormed out of the room and was spotted minutes later outside the building, screaming and screaming until he was sick
A 42-year-old Whitechapel man last week made a snap judgement that a woman in her 30s that he spotted singing along to a contemporary pop song in a market on the holiday isle of Gran Canaria was highly likely to be, ‘a complete twat’ in her private life.
Toby Dell, from Vallance Road, told us: “As soon as I spotted this dozy bint, singing along to the hit, I realised that the chances of her being a weapons-grade irritant and a complete twat were a nailed-on certainty.
“I was sorely tempted to tell her to belt up and to stop acting the giddy arseole, but I had the wife and kids with me”
Dell’s outburst comes just a week after a woman from neighbouring Shoreditch told newsmen, that in her opinion, a middle-aged woman whom she had seen gyrating slowly to a Spanish pop song in a Pingo Doce supermarket in Albufeira in Portugal was ‘a fucking silly bitch’
A 43-year-old Whitechapel man was being held by police on the Spanish island of Mallorca last night after the receptionist at the hotel he was booked into complained that when she checked him and his wife into their room he thanked her in Spanish and then went on to tell her he would like to rape her after dinner.
Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver from Vallance Road, told us last night: “I’d been learning a bit of Spanish from a guidebook so that I could interact with the locals and make a few basic requests like ordering a beer, asking directions and so on.
“All I did was to thank this girl and ask her what time the buffet opened for dinner in the evenings. I thought she’d be pleased that I’d made the effort.
“The next thing I knew, she’d slapped me across the face and called the police, or, policia, as they call them over here”
A spokesman for El Paradiso, the hotel where the alleged offence took place, said last night: “We’re used to the drunken English coming on to our waitresses and chambermaids but we draw the line at threats of rape after dinner”
This incident comes just two weeks after a Shoreditch man was given a 6-month sentence in Vilamoura in Portugal for calling a priest, ‘a fucking twat’, in church Latin after memorising a few phrases to use during The Eucharist
A 40-year-old Whitechapel woman was found hanged at her home in Commercial Street last week just days after she featured in a Betterware catalogue advertisement for an aid for people who struggle to get on and off the toilet.
Tracy Dell, a part-time model who has previously appeared in a number of ads for the magazine, which features handy household gadgets and cleaning products, is believed to have taken her own life during a bout of depression which her husband believes was brought on by her being asked to advertise a product for the elderly.
Toby Dell, 42, told us: “Tracy was gutted when she was asked to do the ad.
“She had to sit on the toilet with this handrail next to it which is designed so that old grunters can heave themselves off the bog after a dump.
“She’s had to advertise some pretty dodgy stuff before, like incontinence pads and facial hair removing cream but this one really got to her in my view.”
This incident comes just two weeks after a 33-year-old man from Stepney threw himself to his death from Battersea Bridge after featuring in a local newspaper ad aimed at men suffering from erectile dysfunction.
Her Majesty The Queen was at the head of a five thousand-strong army marching to the Scottish border last night.
The Queen has grown weary of Scottish dissent and repeated calls for independence from the United Kingdom and will attempt to quell the rebellious Scots by force of arms
It is estimated that Her Majesty’s army of 3 thousand foot soldiers, 1 thousand archers and a thousand mounted yeoman will reach the border within the next few days where they will lay waste to nearby farms and hang any Scot who refuses to swear allegiance to the Monarch.
The Scot’s leader, Nicola Sturgeon MSP, issued a defiant battle cry in response last night. “If it’s war the English are seeking then we’re ready, aye ready.
“They may take our oil and gorge themselves on our Tunnock’s Tea Cakes, but they’ll never take our freedom”
In other related news, there was a reported blunder by an estimated 500-strong battalion of The Queen’s Guard, led by Transport Secretary, Chris Grayling, last night, when he led them into an attack on a Welsh fishing village by mistake.
For non-UK residents, Chris Grayling is our hapless Secretary of State for Transport, a blundering fucknut of epic proportions who couldn’t find his arseole with both hands and a powerful flashlight – Ed
The small band of Brexiters taking part in the March To Leave journey from Sunderland to London are reportedly running low on their supply of nourishing elven bread, or Lembas.
A small piece of the wholesome, ‘waybread’ was given to each participant, wrapped in a single Telperion leaf, by march organiser, Nigel ‘Galadriel’ Farage, before they set out on their quest to rescue Brexit from the dark forces of Parliamendor last Sunday.
A spokesman for the marchers, calling himself, Banksie Son Of Bloat, spoke to newsmen from outside his club in London’s Bloomsbury.
“I have been informed of the shortage of Lembas and will be doing everything in my power to ensure that a fresh supply is sent to the boys and girls as soon as I have received the necessary bank transfers from them”
When challenged about the sparsity of the participants, he explained that there were over a thousand to begin with but many had been picked off by fearsome Snowflake Ring Wraiths shortly after setting off from an inn, and by raiding parties of extreme left-wing Remoaner Orcs on the outskirts of Hartlepool
Newsmen later confronted, march organiser, Farage, and asked him why he wasn’t participating himself.
He explained that he had been there the entire time but had been invisible because he’d been wearing the One Ring To Fool Them All.
He then slipped a gold band on his middle finger and disappeared into a wine bar in swish, Minas Mayfair.
Apologies to our valued friends from foreign lands who won’t have a clue as to what we’re taking the piss out of here. It’s basically a bunch of fuckwits trudging through the rain in support of a policy that will bring our country down to the level of a 3rd World banana republic without any bananas.
Think Trump supporters in wellington boots. – Ed
The Metropolitan Police have revealed, that in an astonishing coincidence, every person captured in a recent newspaper picture of a small handful of commuters is a cold-blooded killer of some description.
The pic, used by The East London Gazette to accompany a story on train cancellations, has now been seized by the police who are in the process of rounding up all those featured in the photograph and sending them to jail.
A police spokesman told newsmen last night: “To have snapped so many killers all in one place like this was an incredible coincidence and a real lucky break.
“There’s a bloke right at the back who’s killed 5 people including his grandad, so it’s great that he’ll be facing the full force of British justice. In fact, they all will.”
The last time anything of this nature occurred was in 2016, when everybody snapped in a New York Times picture taken at a Donald Trump rally was subsequently found to be a mentally sub-normal racist.
A 45-year-old London man was killed instantly by a fatal stroke yesterday when a man from the north of England tried to begin a conversation just moments after sitting down next to the deceased man on a Number 24 bus from Pimlico to Hampstead Heath
Witnesses say the northerner seemed to target the lone male who was on his way to work in Charing Cross when the incident occurred.
A woman on board at the time told us: “He just sat down next to this poor man and began chatting.
“It was devasting to witness and it’ll be a long time before I can get the imagery of that northerner’s face out of my head
“He even seemed to be smiling while he did it, for God’s sake”
The attacker was overpowered by fellow passengers and handed over to police, who wrestled the man to the ground and handcuffed him before taking him to Ebury Bridge police station where he remains in police custody awaiting an appearance at Horseferry Road magistrates court on Monday morning, charged with affray, resisting arrest, manslaughter and overfamiliarity.
This latest incident comes just two weeks after a 50-year-old woman from Spitalfields in East London, died in the arms of fellow commuters when a man from Sheffield in South Yorkshire approached her on the platform of Shadwell tube station and reportedly said: “‘ow do missus. It’s turned out reet nice again ah see”
Editor’s Note: It’s a complete myth that Northerners are warm and friendly while Londoners are taciturn and rude. Now get out, the lot of you! GO ON! GET OUT!