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Farage made me dress as Trump during saucy romp says, Iain Duncan Smith

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Saucy. Duncan Smith last night

Former Tory Party leader, Sir Iain Duncan Smith, has told The Daily Express that Brexit champion, Nigel Farage, made him dress as US President, Donald Trump, during a sordid romp at Farage’s home in Surrey last year.

Duncan Smith, 66, told the newspaper: “Nigel invited me round one evening in October last year.

“I thought he wanted to discuss Britain’s post-Brexit trade negotiations with Africa or something.

“However, he made it pretty clear from the outset that there was only one thing on his mind.

“He was scantily-clad in just shorts and a Hawaiian-style, short-sleeved shirt. His hands were all over me as soon as I sat down on the sofa.

“He started kissing my neck and began fondling me over my trousers.

“He then produced a Donald Trump wig and begged me to put it on and to adopt an American accent.

“I was confused and a little scared so I complied with his wishes and began talking about Nambia, covfefe, and invisible USAF planes.

“It was over in seconds, to be honest. I think my references to injecting bleach may have been the trigger.

“He then made me a cup of tea, told me that he loved me and asked me to leave.

“I felt used and dirty. I told my wife and she advised me to sell my story to the papers to get a few quid out of it”

Duncan Smith’s account comes just a week after ex-Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, told newsmen that he was asked by, ex-Tory backbencher, Ann Widdecombe, to tie her up in her cellar and commit an unnatural act while dressed as Karl Marx.

White House Bombshell: I Farted in Trump’s Banana Daquiri Says Sarah Huckabee Sanders

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The Trump administration was reeling last night after ex-White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, told newsmen that she broke wind into President Donald Trump’s glass containing a banana daiquiri cocktail during a boozy evening with other close presidential aides in 2018.

Sanders told reporters: “Listen, I know that I toed the Republican Party line and told the press boys what Trump wanted to hear, but we all know the man’s a weapons-grade asshole, so when the opportunity arose to raise a few yuks at his expense, I just went for it.

“We’d all had a few drinks, apart from Trump who was on alcohol-free cocktails, and were in high spirits.

Trump went to the can at one point and a couple of the guys – I think it was Donald Rumsfeld and that guy who got thrown in jail for lying to Congress, told me to fart in his drink.

“I was reluctant at first and then I thought, why the hell not, the guy’s a total doofus.

“I picked up his highball glass, quickly pulled my panties down at the back and let fly into his drink. It was a real rip-snorter and you could hear the damn thing bubbling and everything.

“When he came back in the room and started drinking it, some of the guys couldn’t contain themselves and had to leave the room while Rudi Giuliani actually started crying”

This incident mirrors the 2005 occasion when Secretary of State, Condoleeza Rice, admitted to urinating in George W Bush’s bottle of Bud at a White House press briefing while the president was fielding a question from the Washington Post on the progress of the second Gulf War.

POLITICS UPDATE

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Unlike some of the CNN boys and girls, none of our staff were tear-gassed, arrested, or had their necks knelt on during the compilation of this front page mock-up, although God knows, a good many of them deserve it!

Billion-dollar Space X launch delayed after it ‘gets a bit blowy’

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Elon we have a problem. A dejected Space X astronaut walks away from his rocket yesterday

Cape Canaveral Wednesday 4.17 EST:  The eagerly anticipated launch of billionaire, Elon Musk’s Space X rocket ship was abandoned this afternoon when the latest forecast from the meteorological office predicted the chance of light winds and the prospect of a few scattered rain showers around launch time

A spokesman for NASA told newsmen: “The met boys are telling us that it could get a bit blowy with a few showers around blast-off time so we’re going to hold off until it clears up a bit.

“We just can’t run the risk of being blown off course and ending up in the wrong galaxy or Wisconsin after all the cash Mr Musk has shelled out on the project.

“Also, the rain could impede the astronaut’s vision through the windscreen and they could end up going the wrong way, especially if the wipers pack up.

“We’ll have another crack at it on Saturday when it’s supposed to be quite nice with a bit of broken cloud and a few sunny spells”

The delay wasn’t appreciated by President Trump and Vice-President Mike Pence, who had travelled from Washington to witness the launch of the first US space mission in 10-years.

“Trump launched a Twitter tirade against Musk, calling him, ‘a losing deadbeat’

While Pompeo was overheard ranting at a NASA scientist, accusing the mission control technicians and the astronauts of being, ‘a bunch of lousy fags”

This latest event is in stark contrast to Scotland’s highly-successful maiden space voyage last year when they launched, Buckfast One in the middle of a June blizzard with both astronauts 6-times over the drink/drive limit. 

Trump: I’ve been pouring boiling horse liniment in my ears to clear up my toe fungus

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US President, Donald Trump, has made the astonishing claim that for the past three weeks he has been treating a fungal infection between his toes by pouring boiling horse liniment into both his ears.

“It’s pretty painful I have to tell you,” he told newsmen at a briefing last night. “In fact, I have to ask Melania to do it for me while I bite down on a piece of wood, but I have to say, she’s been more than happy to help and even insists on doing it twice to be on the safe side.

“So far there’s been no improvement but I’ve been told by my tremendous advisor, Dr Anthony Fauci, who’s a great guy, by the way, to keep going and that it often takes around six months to take effect.

“I mean to say, if it can work on something as big as a horse it has to work on humans too, right?”

A spokesman for the American health department said last night. “Horse linament is only efficacious when treating strains and minor muscle tears in horses.

“If the president persists with this practice it will undoubtedly kill him but don’t tell him I said that.

“I guess it’s slightly better than mainlining drain cleaner but there ain’t really much in it”

Trump attracted further criticism yesterday when he blamed former president, Barack Obama, for a recent spate of molehill damage to his golf course at Mar A Lago.

US Corona Update: Trump supporter injected Dettol with mixed results

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A 23-year-old man who put into practice Donald Trump’s theory that injecting the powerful disinfectant, Dettol, directly into the bloodstream would ward off covid-19, experienced mixed results shortly afterwards.

Tobias Delroy, a nightwatchman from Dallas, Texas, injected the drain and toilet-cleaning fluid into his arm shortly after hearing Donald Trump’s suggestion at yesterday’s press briefing that doing so would kill the virus in the lungs before it could cause significant harm to the body.

A spokesman for the Presbyterian Hospital of Dallas, told reporters last night: “Mr Delroy presented with severe symptoms of blood poisoning and liver deterioration due to the introduction of a noxious substance into the circulatory system.

“His primary objective of killing the covid-19 virus has been achieved along with himself.

“We cannot stress how important it is not to inject any type of household product normally used to clean drains and toilets into the body.

“This is especially true if you have been advised to do so by President Trump”

Last year, a 43-year-old woman from Montgomery, Alabama, was admitted to hospital with severe facial burns after hearing Trump’s attorney, Rudi Giuliani, telling a Washington Post reporter: “Do yourself a favour and go boil your head”

JUST IN

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EDITOR’S NOTE: If you’re thinking of voting for Donald Trump in the forthcoming presidential election, give your head a bit of a wobble and remember that you’ll be rootin’ for a guy who believes there is a country called, Nambia; that the United States Airforce have fighter-bombers that are invisible, and who wouldn’t be averse to sleeping with his daughter. OK? Don’t forget now…wobble, wobble, wobble.

SPOTLIGHT ON CORONA: SAUSAGE PARTY. IS IT THE KEY TO ENDING PANDEMIC?

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A gathering number of health experts and academics now believe that only by watching the movie, Sausage Party, can mankind be delivered from a global disaster and a possible Armageddon scenario.

Dr Tobias Dell, the head of a team of scientists exploring possible cures and infection prevention avenues, said last night: “Me and the other scientists watched Sausage Party last night and, so far, none of us have developed corona. 

In fact, we had a really good jolly up on the strength of it.

“We genuinely believe that we’re on to something and so should you.”

The World Health Organisation appeared to back up the claim last night. 

In a short press release, WHO said: “Dr Dell’s observations have been noted and explored in-depth and we have found that only a very small proportion of those infected had ever seen Sausage Party.

“We are now in touch with governments worldwide who have agreed to screen Sausage Party at 19.00 GMT on Monday 22nd of March so that everyone can get the immunity that is so desperately needed right now.

“Only President Trump expressed an objection, on the grounds that he likes to watch re-runs of Tom and Jerry at that hour, but he has agreed to comply if immediately after, we screen the one where a blacksmith’s anvil falls on Tom’s head and makes a big bump come up.”

More as we get it

I once saw Trump being borne aloft by angels says Mike Pence

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Cherubim and Seraphim pictured in the olden days. Photograph by Lord Snowden

United States Vice President, Mike Pence, has told worshippers at a prayer meeting in his home town of Columbus, Indiana, that he once witnessed President Donald Trump being lifted into the air by angelic Cherubim and Serafim in the White House Oval Office.

“It was probably the most wonderful site I have ever seen in my entire life,” he told assembled worshippers.

“The President had just finished signing an executive order implementing core Principles for regulating the United States financial system.

“He was just putting his pen back in the drawer when these two angels descended from way up in the dome and bore the president aloft.

“He was a little shaken and began kicking and yelling some, but I knew that it was a sign from God that by making it easier for businessmen to make money he was doing The Lord’s work.

“I swear I’ve seen nothing like that since Rudi Guiliani showed me footage on his cellphone of Sarah Huckabee Sanders joined in sexual union with the Archangel Gabriel who had come down to earth as a cable TV repair guy to fill her with the Holy Spirit”

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