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Politics in Brief: Trump and Pence to woo voters with Duelling Banjos

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Jared Kushner pictured last night

The White House press office has announced that President Donald Trump, and his Vice President, Mike Pence, will go on the campaign trail in the run-up to the November election with a performance of the grammy-winning duet, Duelling Banjos.

A press spokesman told newsmen last night: “The President and Vice-President are both huge fans of the movie, Deliverance, particularly the Duelling Banjos scene, and have decided to replicate it at rallies over the coming weeks to keep the crowds entertained, and, in particular, the sizeable inbred contingent’

A White House insider last night revealed that, while the vice-president has pretty much nailed the piece almost in its entirety after a few day’s intensive tuition, President Trump has been less adept at mastering his instrument and keeps trying to play it by putting the machine head in his mouth and blowing.

More as we get it.

Concerns grow as hundreds of Trump supporters are poached for their hides

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The Whitechapel Whelk has learned that hundreds of Donald Trump supporters in some of the southern states of America have been killed by hunters who have then skinned them and sold their hides on the internet.

The pelts can fetch up to $12 each on the black market and are famed for their thickness, their blotchy redness around the neck area, and all-weather durability.

Many end up as car seat covers, or, in the case of extremely large pelts, as builders’ tarpaulins, which can be used to cover piles of bricks or open cement bags overnight.

A White House spokesperson told us last night: “This disgusting trade in President Trump’s supporters has to stop. It’s bad enough that our popularity is dropping off alarmingly without these unscrupulous people preying on what remains of our support.

“I wouldn’t mind, but we didn’t have that many to start with. You only have to look at the poor turnout for the inauguration to see that”

Fears are now growing, that if something isn’t done to stop the growing trade in Trump supporter hides, the creatures could go on the endangered species list along with the white rhino and also Whitechapel car mechanics, who are highly prized by housewives across the world who use their stuffed penises as rolling pins.

JUST IN

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We apologise for the lack of a TV guide with today’s issue. We are fairly certain the dog ate it or something along those lines – Ed

Farage made me dress as Trump during saucy romp says, Iain Duncan Smith

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Saucy. Duncan Smith last night

Former Tory Party leader, Sir Iain Duncan Smith, has told The Daily Express that Brexit champion, Nigel Farage, made him dress as US President, Donald Trump, during a sordid romp at Farage’s home in Surrey last year.

Duncan Smith, 66, told the newspaper: “Nigel invited me round one evening in October last year.

“I thought he wanted to discuss Britain’s post-Brexit trade negotiations with Africa or something.

“However, he made it pretty clear from the outset that there was only one thing on his mind.

“He was scantily-clad in just shorts and a Hawaiian-style, short-sleeved shirt. His hands were all over me as soon as I sat down on the sofa.

“He started kissing my neck and began fondling me over my trousers.

“He then produced a Donald Trump wig and begged me to put it on and to adopt an American accent.

“I was confused and a little scared so I complied with his wishes and began talking about Nambia, covfefe, and invisible USAF planes.

“It was over in seconds, to be honest. I think my references to injecting bleach may have been the trigger.

“He then made me a cup of tea, told me that he loved me and asked me to leave.

“I felt used and dirty. I told my wife and she advised me to sell my story to the papers to get a few quid out of it”

Duncan Smith’s account comes just a week after ex-Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, told newsmen that he was asked by, ex-Tory backbencher, Ann Widdecombe, to tie her up in her cellar and commit an unnatural act while dressed as Karl Marx.

White House Bombshell: I Farted in Trump’s Banana Daquiri Says Sarah Huckabee Sanders

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The Trump administration was reeling last night after ex-White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, told newsmen that she broke wind into President Donald Trump’s glass containing a banana daiquiri cocktail during a boozy evening with other close presidential aides in 2018.

Sanders told reporters: “Listen, I know that I toed the Republican Party line and told the press boys what Trump wanted to hear, but we all know the man’s a weapons-grade asshole, so when the opportunity arose to raise a few yuks at his expense, I just went for it.

“We’d all had a few drinks, apart from Trump who was on alcohol-free cocktails, and were in high spirits.

Trump went to the can at one point and a couple of the guys – I think it was Donald Rumsfeld and that guy who got thrown in jail for lying to Congress, told me to fart in his drink.

“I was reluctant at first and then I thought, why the hell not, the guy’s a total doofus.

“I picked up his highball glass, quickly pulled my panties down at the back and let fly into his drink. It was a real rip-snorter and you could hear the damn thing bubbling and everything.

“When he came back in the room and started drinking it, some of the guys couldn’t contain themselves and had to leave the room while Rudi Giuliani actually started crying”

This incident mirrors the 2005 occasion when Secretary of State, Condoleeza Rice, admitted to urinating in George W Bush’s bottle of Bud at a White House press briefing while the president was fielding a question from the Washington Post on the progress of the second Gulf War.

POLITICS UPDATE

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Unlike some of the CNN boys and girls, none of our staff were tear-gassed, arrested, or had their necks knelt on during the compilation of this front page mock-up, although God knows, a good many of them deserve it!

Billion-dollar Space X launch delayed after it ‘gets a bit blowy’

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Elon we have a problem. A dejected Space X astronaut walks away from his rocket yesterday

Cape Canaveral Wednesday 4.17 EST:  The eagerly anticipated launch of billionaire, Elon Musk’s Space X rocket ship was abandoned this afternoon when the latest forecast from the meteorological office predicted the chance of light winds and the prospect of a few scattered rain showers around launch time

A spokesman for NASA told newsmen: “The met boys are telling us that it could get a bit blowy with a few showers around blast-off time so we’re going to hold off until it clears up a bit.

“We just can’t run the risk of being blown off course and ending up in the wrong galaxy or Wisconsin after all the cash Mr Musk has shelled out on the project.

“Also, the rain could impede the astronaut’s vision through the windscreen and they could end up going the wrong way, especially if the wipers pack up.

“We’ll have another crack at it on Saturday when it’s supposed to be quite nice with a bit of broken cloud and a few sunny spells”

The delay wasn’t appreciated by President Trump and Vice-President Mike Pence, who had travelled from Washington to witness the launch of the first US space mission in 10-years.

“Trump launched a Twitter tirade against Musk, calling him, ‘a losing deadbeat’

While Pompeo was overheard ranting at a NASA scientist, accusing the mission control technicians and the astronauts of being, ‘a bunch of lousy fags”

This latest event is in stark contrast to Scotland’s highly-successful maiden space voyage last year when they launched, Buckfast One in the middle of a June blizzard with both astronauts 6-times over the drink/drive limit. 

Trump: I’ve been pouring boiling horse liniment in my ears to clear up my toe fungus

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US President, Donald Trump, has made the astonishing claim that for the past three weeks he has been treating a fungal infection between his toes by pouring boiling horse liniment into both his ears.

“It’s pretty painful I have to tell you,” he told newsmen at a briefing last night. “In fact, I have to ask Melania to do it for me while I bite down on a piece of wood, but I have to say, she’s been more than happy to help and even insists on doing it twice to be on the safe side.

“So far there’s been no improvement but I’ve been told by my tremendous advisor, Dr Anthony Fauci, who’s a great guy, by the way, to keep going and that it often takes around six months to take effect.

“I mean to say, if it can work on something as big as a horse it has to work on humans too, right?”

A spokesman for the American health department said last night. “Horse linament is only efficacious when treating strains and minor muscle tears in horses.

“If the president persists with this practice it will undoubtedly kill him but don’t tell him I said that.

“I guess it’s slightly better than mainlining drain cleaner but there ain’t really much in it”

Trump attracted further criticism yesterday when he blamed former president, Barack Obama, for a recent spate of molehill damage to his golf course at Mar A Lago.

US Corona Update: Trump supporter injected Dettol with mixed results

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A 23-year-old man who put into practice Donald Trump’s theory that injecting the powerful disinfectant, Dettol, directly into the bloodstream would ward off covid-19, experienced mixed results shortly afterwards.

Tobias Delroy, a nightwatchman from Dallas, Texas, injected the drain and toilet-cleaning fluid into his arm shortly after hearing Donald Trump’s suggestion at yesterday’s press briefing that doing so would kill the virus in the lungs before it could cause significant harm to the body.

A spokesman for the Presbyterian Hospital of Dallas, told reporters last night: “Mr Delroy presented with severe symptoms of blood poisoning and liver deterioration due to the introduction of a noxious substance into the circulatory system.

“His primary objective of killing the covid-19 virus has been achieved along with himself.

“We cannot stress how important it is not to inject any type of household product normally used to clean drains and toilets into the body.

“This is especially true if you have been advised to do so by President Trump”

Last year, a 43-year-old woman from Montgomery, Alabama, was admitted to hospital with severe facial burns after hearing Trump’s attorney, Rudi Giuliani, telling a Washington Post reporter: “Do yourself a favour and go boil your head”

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