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If you’ve been affected by any of the issues featured in these stories, you are either Donald Trump, a puppeteer, or both – Ed

BREAKING: The Kraken awoke and devoured Norwegian trawler during Trump/Farage interview claim reports

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The Kraken depicted chowing down on a hapless vessel in the olden days

Reports are coming in that the legendary sea monster, The Kraken, stirred and then awoke before devouring a Norwegian fishing vessel during last nights LBC radio conversation between, Brexit Party leader, Nigel Farage and US President, Donald Trump.

Speculation is rife that the sheer force of malevolence generated in the airwaves during their exchange may have caused the legendary colossus to wake from its 200-year slumber and emboldened the creature to wreak fresh destruction on passing mariners.

Farage strongly denied the allegation last night, dismissing it as ‘Bremoaner whingeing’, while Trump tweeted that he had ‘never heard of any Kraken’

In a subsequent tweet, the president speculated that he thought it may be, ‘a kind of Scandinavian crispbread’.

The last meeting between the two which took place at Trump Tower in 2017, resulted in a number of unconfirmed sightings of the sexually insane, Zoroastrian, demon, Aka Manah, drinking in a bar in downtown Manhatten.

Concerns grow as hundreds of Trump supporters are poached for their hides

 

The Whitechapel Whelk has learned that hundreds of Donald Trump supporters in some of the southern states of America have been killed by hunters who have then skinned them and sold their hides on the internet.

The pelts can fetch up to $12 each on the black market and are famed for their thickness, their blotchy redness around the neck area, and all-weather durability.

Many end up as car seat covers, or, in the case of extremely large pelts, as builders’ tarpaulins, which can be used to cover piles of bricks or open cement bags overnight.

A White House insider told us last night: “This disgusting trade in President Trump’s supporters has to stop. It’s bad enough that our popularity is dropping off alarmingly without these unscrupulous people preying on what remains of our support.

“I wouldn’t mind, but we didn’t have that many to start with. You only have to look at the poor turnout for the inauguration to see that”

Fears are now growing, that if something isn’t done to stop the growing trade in Trump supporter hides, the creatures could go on the endangered species list along with the white rhino, and also Whitechapel car mechanics, who are highly prized by housewives across the world who use their stuffed penises as rolling pins.

BREAKING

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In other related news: President Trump yesterday named Michelle Obama as the woman responsible for yesterday’s delays on the District and Circle Line between Whitechapel and Upton Park on the London Underground rail network.

Trump tweeted: “She comes across as a real sweetie, but let me tell you, that woman is nothing but a failing, tube train-delaying, loser”

WORLD NEWS

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You’ve been a wonderful audience. Try the veal. -Ed

Notre Dame blaze: ‘They should have built the whole thing out of asbestos’ says Trump

Image result for notre dame

Following the devastating fire that has destroyed part of the iconic Notre Dame cathedral, US President, Donald Trump, has slammed the builders of the 800-year-old gothic masterpiece for not constructing it using fireproof asbestos.

In a tweet last night, Trump stated: ‘It’s truly horrible watching the place burn. Why those mediaeval construction guys didn’t use asbestos I just don’t understand. Sure it’s dangerous if you breathe it in but there’s a lot of money tied up in the place. Anyway, people could just hold their breath or wear a mask when they go inside’

When told of the tweet, a spokesman for the Parisian fire department seemed to dismiss the president’s suggestion.

“What?” he said to newsmen at a press briefing last night.

BREAKING

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UPDATE: The President has now been discharged from hospital following treatment for abrasions and exhaustion. A hospital spokesperson said last night: “What a weapons-grade throbber. Can you believe we elected this bozo because I sure as hell can’t” – Associated Press

The Arts & Entertainment

Retro red television

NEXT WEEK: Breakout. 

Starring Sylvester Stallone, Jean Claude Van Damme and Michael Cohen

BREAKING

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In other related news, the President has called for a meeting with Bob Airplane-Boeing to discuss the recent catastrophic systems failures on the new 737 airliner.

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