A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told a Whelk reporter that the actor, Vigo Mortensen, exorcised a demon that had possessed him by using a toe separating device over the course of two days and nights during January of this year.
Toby Dell, a steel fixer from Leman Street, told our reporter: “Just after Christmas, I realised I had been possessed by a malicious entity.
“I began shouting and swearing at Father O’Brien during Sunday Mass and a foul-smelling green bile would sometimes ooze from my mouth for no reason. I knew things weren’t right when my head started turning through 360 degrees at the dinner table one night.
“My wife realised I was possessed by an unclean spirit and knew that swift action was called for.
“She chained me to the bed and called in Vigo Mortensen to see what was to be done.
“As soon as he arrived in that bedroom, I knew I was in good hands.
“He went straight to his bag and pulled out a toe-straightener which he fastened to my foot using quick-drying epoxy resin and a six-inch nail.
“He then sat next to me for two days and nights, reading a book and chatting while the demon was cleansed from my body through the now enlarged gap between my big toe and the one next to it.
“After it was over, I tried to give him a few quid, but he refused to accept the money.
“He told me that exorcising was his hobby and that he was already quite rich from playing Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, in Lord Of The Rings. He was a real gent in that respect.”
A spokesman for a secretive Jesuit society told us last night: “It’s not unusual to use gently corrective devices to cast out evil spirits, so I’m not in the least surprised that Vigo used the toe-trainer.
“I myself once purged a young woman of a foul entity from the very depths of hell by using a pair of NHS glasses with a bit of plaster over one of the lenses”
We tried to contact Mortensen for a comment yesterday but his agent told us to, ‘F**k off out of it”