The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888



Vigo Mortensen cast out my demon using gently corrective toe-separator, says local man

Best Toe Separators - Yoga Journal

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told a Whelk reporter that the actor, Vigo Mortensen, exorcised a demon that had possessed him by using a toe separating device over the course of two days and nights during January of this year.

Toby Dell, a steel fixer from Leman Street, told our reporter: “Just after Christmas, I realised I had been possessed by a malicious entity.

“I began shouting and swearing at Father O’Brien during Sunday Mass and a foul-smelling green bile would sometimes ooze from my mouth for no reason. I knew things weren’t right when my head started turning through 360 degrees at the dinner table one night.

“My wife realised I was possessed by an unclean spirit and knew that swift action was called for.

“She chained me to the bed and called in Vigo Mortensen to see what was to be done.

“As soon as he arrived in that bedroom, I knew I was in good hands.

“He went straight to his bag and pulled out a toe-straightener which he fastened to my foot using quick-drying epoxy resin and a six-inch nail.

“He then sat next to me for two days and nights, reading a book and chatting while the demon was cleansed from my body through the now enlarged gap between my big toe and the one next to it.

“After it was over, I tried to give him a few quid, but he refused to accept the money.

“He told me that exorcising was his hobby and that he was already quite rich from playing Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, in Lord Of The Rings. He was a real gent in that respect.”

A spokesman for a secretive Jesuit society told us last night: “It’s not unusual to use gently corrective devices to cast out evil spirits, so I’m not in the least surprised that Vigo used the toe-trainer.

“I myself once purged a young woman of a foul entity from the very depths of hell by using a pair of NHS glasses with a bit of plaster over one of the lenses”

We tried to contact Mortensen for a comment yesterday but his agent told us to, ‘F**k off out of it”

Mrs Bridges from Upstairs Downstairs schooled me in love says Vigo Mortensen

Mortensen (right) pictured returning from his one hour of exercise with a socially distanced new squeeze last night

Danish/American heartthrob actor, Vigo Mortensen, has told The Whitechapel Whelk that Mrs Bridges, the formidable cook out of the popular 70s period drama, Upstairs Downstairs, engaged in a steamy romp with the young actor during a brief stay in London in 1972.

“I was a shy teenager when I arrived in London for a two-week holiday,” he told us. “But thanks to Mrs Bridges, I went home a skilled lover and feeling ten-feet tall.

“It began after Mrs Bridges spotted me in a cafe in Cable Street in East London

“She came and sat at my table and began to tell me that she was the cook in Upstairs Downstairs and was making over two-hundred pounds a week.

“She was a big woman but there was something about her that lit a fire within me and I didn’t hesitate when she asked me back to her place in Lambeth Palace Road.

“Within minutes of getting inside, we were tearing each other’s clothes off.

“She was still wearing her cook’s outfit and I had to struggle to undo her pinny at the back.

“Moments later, we were rolling around naked in front of a roaring log fire

“It seemed like the most natural thing in the world

“At the height of her passion, she kept calling out, “How many for dinner tonight, Mr ‘udson?”

“I left the following morning after she’d cooked me a hearty breakfast of devilled kidneys, lightly poached quails eggs, accompanied by petit fours and grilled artichoke hearts in a piquant tomato and basil sauce.

“She taught me to love that night, and to this very day, if I catch an old episode of Upstairs Downstairs on UK Gold, I have to stumble hurriedly from the room and pleasure myself to completion, my mind filled with fevered thoughts of her ample bosom and delicious whipped creampie”

Sadly, Mrs Bridges passed away in 1974, but a family member told us that she often spoke fondly of Mortensen and would remark that he’d probably play Aragorn in Lord Of The Rings one day.

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