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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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wedding

Bride shuns wedding, blows up groom’s mother

A bride-to-be failed to show up at her own wedding last week, choosing instead to blow up her future mother-in-law using high explosives.

Tracy Dell, 22, from Whitechapel in East London told The Whelk that she’d reached the end of her tether due to the woman’s constant interference with the wedding arrangements.

“She was on my case, morning, noon and night,” she told us.

“If it wasn’t the guest list, the bridesmaid’s dresses, or the seating arrangements, she was banging on about my choice of food for the buffet.

“The last straw came when she told me to switch from being a Roman Catholic to a Jew so that she could make matzo balls and chicken soup for the reception.

“I looked up the ingredients and the method for bomb-making online, and on the morning of the wedding, left the device in her kitchen after calling in on the pretext of discussing the honeymoon arrangements.

“When I heard the explosion and looked back at her house in ruins it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders”

This latest incident comes just 2 weeks after a 23-year-old man from neighbouring Shoreditch bundled his 67-year-old future mother-in-law into the lion enclosure at London Zoo after the woman had criticised his choice of top hat for the big day.

Whitechapel Man Leaves Bride at the Altar for Passing Wind During Vows

 bride-and-groom

 

A 19-year-old bride was left weeping at the altar when her 21-year-old husband-to-be stormed out of the church after the girl noisily passed wind as he placed the wedding band on her finger during a ceremony in Whitechapel, East London last Saturday.

Shocked guests rushed to comfort the distraught bride who was last night believed to be staying at her parent’s home in nearby Plaistow.

The best man, Mr Tony Soames, 23, told The Whelk last night. “It was a bit of a bad day all round really. I’ve been in touch with my mate since, but he insists there’s no going back. He told me that it wasn’t so much the actual fart itself that upset him, it was the way she stood on one leg and then shook the other one until she let rip. Not only that, but the stench afterwards was absolutely cruel. You could have cut the atmosphere with a knife to be honest. It was a real egg and bacon job”

The bride, who has asked not to be named, spoke to us briefly on the telephone last night and admitted. “Yes it was a bit unseemly given the circumstances, but I’d had a curry and a few Bacardi Breezers with my mates the night before, and what with all the pressure of the wedding, things just seemed to come to a head. I just hope he can find it in his heart to forgive me and that we can try again at a registry office or something”

This latest incident comes just days after a man from West Ham abandoned his wife on their honeymoon after she left an enormous floater in the toilet bowl of their luxury apartment in St Lucia

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