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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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west ham united

SPORT: We’ll form ‘The Big 1’ and rule the soccer world, vows West Ham United supremo

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Following the ignominious collapse of the controversial, European Super League last night, with all of the so-called, ‘Big Six’ English clubs announcing their withdrawal, East London club, West Ham United have announced that they will break away from the English Premier League at the end of this season and form an East London Super League with just themselves in it.

Hammers CEO Karen Brady, told newsmen: “We’re fed up with all the travelling and the uncertainty of results, to be honest.

“I mean, we went all the way to Newcastle the other day, lost the game and then had to come all the way back again.

After we’ve formed the ELSL, nonsense like having to play other clubs will be a thing of the past.

“When we become, The Big 1, the club will save an absolute fortune in travelling expenses, kit washing, and mowing the grass on our pitch.

“Further big savings will be made on exorbitant transfer fees as we’ll just hang on to the squad we have now until they die.

“Every season, we’ll crown ourselves league champions, without playing a single match, until we go down in history as the most successful club of all time. It’s a win-win situation, to be honest”

Fans of the high-flying Hammers are less convinced of the wisdom of the move, however.

One lifelong supporter, Toby Dell, 45, from Whitechapel, told us: “It’s not a bad idea in principle I suppose but I’ll miss the pre-match booze-up, the half-time pies and the punch-ups with rival supporters afterwards.

“I suppose I could go home and have a straightener in the road with my old woman but she’s a big old sort and nearly always comes out on top”

More as we get it.

SPORTS UPDATE: Prince Philip transferred to Arsenal

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Up the royal Arse! Prince Philip pictured in determined mood at Arsenal’s training ground yesterday

Buckingham Palace last night announced that The Duke of Edinburgh, who has just undergone a heart op at St Bartholemew’s Hospital in London, has been transferred to struggling soccer team, Arsenal, for an undisclosed fee.

The 99-year-old Duke is being drafted in to shore up a Gunners defence that has been leaking goals this season as the club has struggled to remain in mid-table under the stewardship of boss, Mikel Arteta, and who are currently languishing in a lowly 10th place in the Premier League.

Arteta told a press conference yesterday afternoon: “We are hoping that signing Prince Philip will help to turn our season around.

“He’s a much-needed old head with years of experience on the polo field, and also, in that sport where you sit in a cart with a rug over your knees while a horse pulls you along.

“We see him as a Tony Adams-type figure who will steady the ship at a critical time for us as we look to cement a place in the top nine.

“Although, we obviously hope that he won’t be getting as pissed as a parrot on lager and Jägerbombs every night like Tony used to in the 80s”

If the Duke does provide a much-needed boost to the struggling Gunners, he will mirror the feat of his mother, Princess Alice of Battenburg, whose injury-time diving header for East London giants, West Ham United, secured a famous win for The Hammers in the 1980 FA Cup Final at Wembley.

Local football club to install cardboard cut-outs of violent matchday disorder

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West Ham United football club last night announced that if coronavirus is still a major issue when the season restarts on or around the 12th of September and fans are still not permitted to attend matches, they will install a number of scenes of soccer violence featuring cardboard cut-out hooligans around their London Stadium venue.

The East London club’s CEO, Karen Brady, told newsmen last night: “West Ham are determined to bring as much normality to matchdays as possible in these difficult circumstances.

“We have therefore decided to simulate the scenes of violent disorder that normally take place in and around the ground by setting up a small number of clashes between our own louts and fans from visiting clubs using cardboard cut-out figures.

“Initially, these will just feature the usual fistfights with the odd sustained kicking thrown in.

“However, when our bitterest rivals like Millwall or Tottenham are the visiting opposition we will be introducing a few cut-out figures with very serious knife injuries, and in the case of a vital cup game or a tense relegation clash, a few cardboard dead bodies will be left scattered around the area”

Ms Brady then took questions from the media but stormed off angrily when a journalist from a local newspaper asked if the club would continue selling their trademark cardboard meat pies at half-time.

Battered ISIS withdraw to Arbroath

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Having lost their strongholds in Syria and Iraq, Islamic State forces have pulled back to the small Scottish town of Arbroath, where they are set to make a defiant last stand.

More than 200 fighters are holed up in bed and breakfast accommodation in and around the town centre where they remain defiant as thousands of Russian-backed Syrian forces mass on the perimeter.

Local people were divided on the issue when we spoke to a few last night:

Tobias McDell, a boilermaker aged 57, told us: “I’ve no real problem with the ISIS boys, to be fair.

“They’ve not been any trouble at all. In fact, they’ve provided a welcome boost to local shopkeepers by buying loads of fags and drink.”

McDell’s wife, Mary, 53, was less enthusiastic: “They’ve been a damn nuisance ever since they got here.

“They caused a bloody great queue in the butchers last week, and on Saturday night, there was so many of them in the pub I gave up trying to get served and had to pick up some cans from the off-licence”

Many are comparing the current situation to the infamous, Siege of Whitechapel in 1998, when over a thousand Al Qaeda fighters, set up a stronghold in and around The Blind Beggar public house, before being finally overrun by heavily armed West Ham United supporters from The Hammers Liberation Front.

Picture courtesy of The Daily Dafty, who ran the piece 2 days ago but still haven’t paid us for it.

Local woman ejected from pub after expressing impertinent and unseemly, football-based opinion.

 

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Bobby Moore says: ‘Ladies. Know your place!’

 

A 27-year-old woman had to be thrown out of The Blind Beggar public house in Whitechapel, East London, in disgrace last month after voicing an opinion on the tactics being employed by West Ham United boss, David Moyes, during the team’s 3-1 defeat at Brighton and Hove Albion.

Tracy Dell, an accounts manager, spoke out of turn after watching The Hammers concede a third goal in the 2nd half on the pub’s television.

According to witnesses, Ms Dell became agitated at this point and impertinently opined loudly that the team was showing a lack of cohesion at the back and that the 2 fullbacks should be given free reign to bomb on down the flanks and get a few crosses in.

At this point, the landlord intervened and wrestled Ms Dell to the ground before bundling her out of the door amid boos and catcalls.

The match finished 3-1 to Brighton, a bitter blow for relegation-threatened West Ham’s hopes for survival in the top flight.

In the post-match TV studio analysis, veteran soccer pundit, Mark Lawrenson, claimed that The Hammers would have won the game comfortably if they’d had a bit more cohesion at the back and had given the fullbacks free reign to bomb on down the flanks and get a few crosses in.

Local woman escorted from pub following impertinent and unseemly, football-based opinion shocker

 

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Unruly women getting ideas above their station in the olden days

 

A 27-year-old woman had to be led from The Blind Beggar public house in Whitechapel, East London, in disgrace on Saturday afternoon after voicing an opinion on the tactics being employed by West Ham United boss, David Moyes, during the team’s 3-1 defeat at Brighton and Hove Albion.

Tracy Dell, an accounts manager, spoke out of turn after watching The Hammers concede a third goal in the 2nd half on the pub’s television.

According to witnesses, Ms Dell became agitated at this point and impertinently opined loudly that the side were showing a lack of cohesion at the back and that the 2 fullbacks should be given free reign to bomb on down the flanks and get a few crosses in.

At this point, the landlord intervened and escorted Ms Dell from the premises amid boos and catcalls.

The match finished 3-1 to Brighton, a bitter blow for relegation-threatened West Ham’s hopes for survival in the top flight.

In the after TV match studio analysis, veteran soccer pundit, Mark Lawrenson, claimed that The Hammers would have won the game comfortably if they’d had a bit more cohesion at the back and had given the fullbacks free reign to bomb on down the flanks and get a few crosses in.

Formula 1 to introduce ‘Grid Cockneys’ in 2018 season

 

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Sorted! Two ‘grid cockneys’ pictured last night practising for The Monaco Grand Prix

 

Following their decision to scrap the traditional ‘grid girls’ this season, F1 bosses have announced, that in the 2018 season, cars will line up on the starting grid alongside men who were born within the sound of the bells of St Mary Le Bow church in the City of London.

These ‘grid cockneys’ will still hold umbrellas to shade drivers as they sit in the cockpit, but instead of the traditional skimpy clothing that made their predecessors such a colourful and popular spectacle at races throughout the season, the men will wear West Ham football shirts, colourful neckerchiefs, Levi Sta-Prest trousers and trilby hats.

Formula 1 CEO, Chase Carey, welcomed the move last night: “We think it’s a great idea. These chirpy London lads will be a colourful addition to the grid, and as long as they don’t start selling stolen watches to the drivers or scrapping with each other in the paddock, we believe they’ll be a welcome replacement for the girls, who, in all fairness, were a bit old hat and were coming in for some hammer from the feminist movement for having their arses and bangers on display”

It is understood that men from the city of Liverpool were also considered, but bosses decided that ‘Grid Scousers’ were far too likely to steal the cars’ wheels in the pit lane and leave them up on bricks.

West Ham United’s Andy Carroll injured during ‘taking the knee’ training mishap

 

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Star spangled spanner. Carroll receives last-minute instructions from team boss, Slaven Bilic.

 

Injury-plagued West Ham United striker, Andy Carroll, will now be out of action for another 6 months after a training ground incident in which he was demonstrating his plan to ‘take the knee’ in support of American sports stars who are currently protesting about racial injustice by going down on one knee during the National Anthem in that country.

West Ham announced the news on the club’s website last night: “Following an incident in training, Andy Carroll will be out for at least 6 months, and may even miss the remainder of the season.

“We wish Andy a full and speedy recovery and look forward to seeing him back in action as soon as possible”

Carroll, who has spent 97% of his career on the treatment table since joining The Hammers from Liverpool in 2012, collapsed in pain as he tried to get up after taking the knee and was rushed to The Royal London Hospital where he is on first name terms with the entire medical staff and most of the cleaners.

This latest setback follows a recent 2-year spell on the sidelines after the £20 million accident-prone star tore an anterior cruciate ligament while helping his girlfriend put the shopping away in 2015.

‘Terminally ill’ 10-year-old team mascot grows into complete twat

 

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The West Ham team with mascots. Your guess is as good as ours as to whether any of them will grow into twats

 

A 10-year-old boy who was suffering from a rare and seemingly terminal illness when he led out the West Ham United football team for their home fixture against Arsenal in 2011 has grown into an absolute twat according to family and friends.

Tobias Dell, now 18, eventually managed to beat the disease following extensive treatment and currently works in the City of London as a commodities broker where he is despised by work colleagues and bosses alike.

His mother, Tracy, 50, told us: “Toby is an utter twat of the highest order, and to be honest if I’d known what he was going to turn out like I’d have drowned him in a bucket at birth.

“All his brothers and sisters hate him, and even his grandparents lock themselves in their house if they know he’s coming round to see them.

“I can only describe him as a total scumbag and an objectionable ponce. I hate the bloody sight of him to be honest”

The West Ham skipper on the day in question was Mark Noble, who told The Whelk: “If I’d realised what an absolute tool he would grow into I’d never have held his hand in the tunnel.

“In actual fact, I’d have given him a bloody good kick up the arse and hung him from a peg in the dressing room”

We tried to get a response from Mr Dell last night, but when we called him at his home he told us to clear off and stop bothering him like the absolute bellend he truly is.

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