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The Whitechapel Whelk

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whitechapel

Many women feared dead following stampede as Tom Hardy opens cake shop in underpants

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Up to thirty women were killed yesterday afternoon during a frenzied stampede to see the actor, Tom Hardy, opening a local specialist cake shop wearing a tight-fitting pair of briefs.

Earlier, a crowd of over a thousand women from across East London had gathered to watch the hunky star open the shop in Whitechapel Road in his pants.

However, tragedy struck when the crowd surged forward as the scantily clad actor emerged from a limousine outside the shop in a pair of black Calvin Klein briefs.

One woman who witnessed the carnage, Tracy Dell, 54 from Thrawl Street told us: “It was absolutely horrendous, to be honest.

“As soon as Tom got out of the car there was a huge surge forward and I saw many women crushed underfoot in the melee.

“I myself trampled on at least five bitches who were standing in front of me, blocking my view of Tom’s lunchbox”

This latest tragedy comes just two weeks after a hundred women died in a similar crush-related incident as hunky Aquaman star, Jason Mamoa, opened a pie and mash shop in Shadwell wearing a fireman’s uniform.

Whitechapel Funerals Proudly Bring You, The Undignitarse Buttock Display Coffin of Hope

Australian Cedar coffin design, by LifeArt, is an environmentall
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We at The Whitechapel Funeral Parlour are delighted to give you this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have your arse on display to all and sundry after your death.

The Undignitarse Peek-A-Boo Buttock Display Coffin of Hope is a lovingly crafted and uniquely designed coffin that will ensure that grieving friends and relatives will be afforded a first-class view of your arse before you are taken to your final resting place.

Each coffin is fitted with a viewing aperture, which can be pre-ordered by you, or requested by your family, so that even the biggest arse can be fully displayed. We even offer a full complimentary arse-shaving and tag nut removal service to ensure that your arse looks absolutely pristine and is free of unsightly ‘cling-ons’ when it is put on public display.

Retailing at just £3567.89, The Undignitarse is unbeatable value for the terminally ill and suicidal alike; or even for the forward-thinking individual who just wants to make sure their loved ones and acquaintances can have a really good look at their arse before they are either laid to rest or put into an incinerator.

Here’s a testimonial from just one of our satisfied mourners:

‘My wife had an absolutely massive arse, so I wasn’t sure that The Undignitarse was for me. But, thanks to the skilled craftsmen at The Whitechapel Funeral Parlour who put a 3-foot square window in her coffin, the entire family was able to have a really good look at both of her gigantic cheeks before she was buried. Thanks, Whitechapel Funeral Parlour!’ – Toby Dell, Cripplegate, East London.

Order your Undignitarse today and get a free brochure detailing our wide range of revealing caskets; including the iconic “Cock Flasher” and the ever-popular “Minge Mate”

Whitechapel Funerals Ltd

22 Shit Street

Spitalfields

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BREAKING

WHELK FP SPINAL DISEASE

STOP PRESS: Whitechapel Man With No Legs Thrown Out Of Local Dance Hall For Arsing About.

Biden: I’ll make Whitechapel the mouth organ capital of the world

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In a surprise announcement last night, President-elect Joe Biden, pledged to make the London District of Whitechapel the mouth organ-playing capital of the world.

Speaking to reporters in Wilmington Delaware, Biden said: “Following the complete chaos of the Trump presidency, I feel it is time to restore faith in the United States on the world stage

“A time to heal the divide that now exists between our great country and our overseas neighbours.

“So what better way to build bridges and to restore the respect for America that has been tragically lost during the last four years than to make Whitechapel the mouth organ capital of the entire world.

“The Treasury Secretary has agreed to invest four billion dollars in the project initially, with a rolling annual donation of a further one billion starting this March.

“Every man, woman and child will be provided with a mouth organ in a faux leather pouch with a genuine microfibre cloth to keep it shiny and free from finger-marks

“Lessons will be mandatory and conducted every two hours by a specially-trained mouth organ maestro from one of our United States harmonica academies.

“This great country of ours will not rest until we have put Whitechapel at the very summit of human achievement when it comes to learning the mouth organ in a very short time.”

Whitechapel residents greeted the news with enthusiasm last night.

Toby Dell, a 54-year-old forklift truck engineer from Dean Street told a CNN reporter: “This is outstanding news and a massive boost to the whole of the neighbourhood.

“I knew things were going to look up when they got rid of the orange cretin but this is beyond my wildest dreams, to be honest.

“The wife and I have already started learning, If I Were The Marrying Kind, and, The Rose Of Tralee, in bed at night.

The last time a London district was given special attention by an overseas country was in 1968 when Belgium voted Bermondsey in south London as the place they would most like to bomb into the Stone Age.

Oprah Stands By “Troubled” Fergie Following Whitechapel Beheading Spree

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Fergie pictured tying the knot with a paedo during happier times

American chat show queen, Oprah Winfrey, last night vowed to stand by her friend, The Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, after the troubled ex-royal was tasered and arrested in Whitechapel following a jihadi-inspired rampage, during which she beheaded seven people with a butchers knife in and around the street market in Whitechapel Road.

Oprah told The Whelk last night: “I’ve known for some time that Sarah had been radicalised and had embraced the twisted doctrine of Daesh, but I was hoping she’d get fed up with it and go back to writing books for kids about helicopters. 

“It came as quite a shock to learn she’d been on a murderous rampage in Whitechapel, but I don’t think this is the time for recriminations. 

“I think the cops should just give her a stern telling-off, after which she could go into a special home for a few weeks; like the one she was sent to when she was on the sauce”

This latest incident involving a minor royal mirrors the 2011 incident when Prince Edward’s ex-wife, Sophie, Countess of Wessex, opened fire on Muslim shoppers with an AK47 in the Shoreditch branch of Boots in a protest at the extradition to The Hague of Serbian warlord Ratko Mladic.

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Whitechapel High Street collapses: Jogger ‘shock waves’ to blame says council

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The High Street pictured in happier times before the disastrous collapse

Emergency services were called to Whitechapel High Street last night when the entire street, from The Royal London Hospital to Aldgate East tube station, collapsed into rubble leaving business owners and residents in shock.

Tower Hamlets Council has blamed the disaster on the existential increase in joggers who have been pounding the pavements since the coronavirus lockdown began almost four weeks ago.

A council spokesman told us: “Some of these buildings are over a hundred years old, so it’s small wonder that they collapsed due to the shock waves all these joggers have produced.

One resident, Toby Dell, 45, who lives on the corner of the High Street and Commercial Street, said: “I’d just hopped into bed with the missus and was about to turn off the bedside lamp when I heard this rumbling.

“The next thing I knew, we’d crashed through the ceiling and were back downstairs in the lounge covered in debris and plaster.

“I mean to say, you don’t expect it do you?”

In other related news; the NHS has announced they’re on the point of collapse due to the number of joggers turning up at A&E with sprained ankles, stress fractures, and joggers’ nipple.

Jailed sex offenders to rattle tin mugs in celebration of Prince Andrew’s birthday

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Over 50 inmates on the sex offenders wing at HMP Wormwood Scrubbs in London are set to mark the 60th birthday of Prince Andrew at lunchtime today by rattling their enamelled tin mugs before singing, For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow.

One inmate, serving a lengthy sentence for child abduction and rape, said last night: “We’d heard that Prince Andrew’s birthday was going to be a low-key job this year due to his close friendship with a paedophile, so the lads have got together and decided to get right behind one of our own, so to speak.

“You never know, one day he might be in here too, so it pays to get on his good side in case he gets regular hampers from his mum sent in”

In other related news, government buildings will not be obliged to fly the union flag to mark the Prince’s birthday later today, although The Lord Rodney’s Head public house in Whitechapel have run a pair of union jack knickers up their rooftop flag pole as a joke.

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