The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888



Jailed sex offenders to rattle tin mugs in celebration of Prince Andrew’s birthday


Over 50 inmates on the sex offenders wing at HMP Wormwood Scrubbs in London are set to mark the 60th birthday of Prince Andrew at lunchtime today by rattling their enamelled tin mugs before singing, For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow.

One inmate, serving a lengthy sentence for child abduction and rape, said last night: “We’d heard that Prince Andrew’s birthday was going to be a low-key job this year due to his close friendship with a paedophile, so the lads have got together and decided to get right behind one of our own, so to speak.

“You never know, one day he might be in here too, so it pays to get on his good side in case he gets regular hampers from his mum sent in”

In other related news, government buildings will not be obliged to fly the union flag to mark the Prince’s birthday later today, although The Lord Rodney’s Head public house in Whitechapel have run a pair of union jack knickers up their rooftop flag pole as a joke.

WEATHER UPDATE: Whitechapel battered by Thunder Bastard, Baby Crusher, Hurricane of Death & Despair

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Whitechapel in all its splendour before the furious onslaught of the Thunder Bastard

It is being reported that the London district of Whitechapel has been battered by the storm dubbed the Thunder Bastard, Baby Crusher, Hurricane of Death & Despair and that significant damage to property has been suffered.

Bill Giles at the Met Office told BBC viewers this morning: “Sadly, Whitechapel has borne the brunt of the Thunder Bastard and a number of homes have been blown down during the night.

“It’s too early to say if there’s been any loss of life as it’s still a bit dark outside but we’ll have a look on the CCTV for any bodies lying in the street when it’s a bit lighter”

In related news, Bermondsey in South London also bore the full fury of the Thunder Bastard with residents reporting that thousands of pounds worth of improvements have been made.

Local man discovers Messala out of Ben Hur in Whitechapel pub


A 37-year-old forklift truck engineer from Dock Street in Whitechapel has told The Whelk that he spotted the ruthless Roman Tribune, Messala, from the epic movie, Ben Hur, drinking in The Lord Rodney’s Head public house on Monday evening.

Toby Dell, married with four children, told us: “It was definitely him, I’m 100 per cent certain.

“He was wearing a toga and carrying a short sword like the one you saw him carrying in Ben Hur.

“I introduced myself and he seemed pleasant enough so I asked him if he fancied a game of darts and he agreed.

“However, he was a bit of a bad loser and drew his sword when I finished our last game of 501 on double 18.

“After he’d calmed down, we went back to the bar and I started asking him about the chariot race at the end of the film.

“He seemed to get the hump about that and started shouting the odds about how Ben Hur cheated and how he would have won easily if the Cypriot geezer in the pointy hat hadn’t cut him up badly on the 7th lap.

“In the end, the guvnor chucked him out for upsetting the other customers.

“The last I saw of him he was crossing the road and heading towards The Blind Beggar”

Mr Dell’s story comes just two weeks after a woman from neighbouring Bethnal Green claimed to have seen Cleopatra having a shampoo and set in the hairdressers in Cambridge Heath Road.

Local man visibly slavers during machine gun fantasy about noisy supermarket family

tommy gun

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man found himself salivating during a trip to his local Lidl supermarket as he fantasised about scything down a noisy family in the shop with an old fashioned Tommy Gun.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, had to wipe flecks of drool from his chin as he mentally pumped the family of four with bullets during a sustained burst of gunfire.

Speaking to The Whelk, Mr Dell said: “This family had been annoying me from the moment I entered the shop

“The mother had a voice like a foghorn, the father wasn’t much better and the kids were screaming and shouting and running amok in the aisles.

“I just couldn’t seem to shake them off. Every aisle I visited they were there.

These people are the scum of the earth and deserve to die like the lowlife feral garbage that they truly are.

“When I got to the checkout there they were in front of me. The woman was arguing with the girl on the till and the husband was bawling at the screaming kids.

“It was then that I mentally sprayed them with a burst from a Tommy Gun, similar to the ones used by American mobsters in the old gangster flicks.

“I really gave it to them. I swung my weapon from side to side, hosing them down like dogs before standing over their twitching bodies, kicking each one in the head to make sure they were dead.

“I relished the fantasy so much I had to pull out a tissue to mop up the drool from my chin.

“I don’t think this makes me a bad person. Everybody has a breaking point for God’s sake.”

Last September, a man from neighbouring Stepney, told a local newspaper that he’d experienced a sensation almost on a par with a sexual climax as he fantasised about hacking at a woman with an ice pick after she’d parked too close to his car in a Waitrose car park.

Whitechapel Funerals Present: The Undignitarse, Buttock Display Coffin of Hope

Australian Cedar coffin design, by LifeArt, is an environmentall
We at The Whitechapel Funeral Parlour are delighted to give you this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have your arse on display to all and sundry after your death.

The Undignitarse Peek-A-Boo Buttock Display Coffin of Hope is a lovingly crafted and uniquely designed coffin that will ensure that grieving friends and relatives will be afforded a first-class view of your arse before you are taken to your final resting place.

Each coffin is fitted with a viewing aperture, which can be pre-ordered by you, or requested by your family, so that even the biggest arse can be fully displayed.

We even offer a full complimentary arse-shaving and tag nut removal service to ensure that your arse looks absolutely pristine and is free of unsightly ‘cling-ons’ when it is put on public display.

Retailing at just £3567.89, The Undignitarse is unbeatable value for the terminally ill and suicidal alike; or even for the forward-thinking individual who just want to make sure their loved ones and acquaintances can have a really good look at their arse before they are either laid to rest or put into an incinerator.

Here’s a testimonial from just one of our satisfied mourners:

‘My wife had an absolutely massive arse, so I wasn’t sure that The Undignitarse was for me. But, thanks to the skilled craftsmen at The Whitechapel Funeral Parlour who put a 3-foot square window in her coffin, the entire family was able to have a really good look at both of her gigantic cheeks before she was buried. Thanks, Whitechapel Funeral Parlour!’  Toby Dell, Cripplegate, East London.

Order your Undignitarse today and get a free brochure detailing our wide range of revealing caskets; including the iconic ‘Cock Flasher’, and for the ladies, the ever-popular ‘Flange Mate’

Whitechapel braces itself for Thunder Bastard Baby-Crusher Storm of Terror and Death

Prepared. A wooden post braces itself in readiness as a local woman runs like merry f**k

The London district of Whitechapel is preparing to batten down the hatches as weathermen warn of a destructive Atlantic front, dubbed, The Thunder Bastard Baby-Crusher Storm of Terror and Death, which is predicted to wreak its full fury on the area during the early hours of tomorrow morning.

A Met Office spokesman told newsmen: “We expect the Thunder Bastard to hit the west coast at around 22.00.

“There will undoubtedly be widespread disruption to services along with structural damage to many unimportant areas like Cornwall and Gloucestershire before it reaches London shortly after midnight.

“We strongly advise all Londoners to wrap up warm in their best cashmere pyjamas and to ensure that emergency supplies of Prosecco and petit fours are on hand in case supply routes to their local Waitrose or delicatessen are affected in the days to follow.”

According to storm-tracking equipment, the Thunder Bastard will swing north later on in the day, reaching the Scottish border by late afternoon on Friday, causing millions of pounds worth of improvements across the entire region as it sweeps north towards Aberdeen.


Whitechapel pictured during happier times

In one of the bloodiest episodes East London has ever witnessed, the entire population of Whitechapel were found stabbed to death earlier this morning.

The bodies of 14,876 people were found by Tower Hamlets council dustmen when they arrived at 5.00 am to empty the bins.

One of the workers, Toby Dell, 32, told newsmen: “It was pretty grim, to be honest.

“There were bodies strewn all over the place. It was like a scene from one of those war films.

“It was obvious that they had all been stabbed as they had knives sticking out of them.

“I know that knife crime has been on the rise recently but you don’t expect this sort of thing do you?”

A Metropolitan police spokesman told reporters: “We haven’t made any arrests as yet but we are currently questioning 13,780 people from Bermondsey in South London and have released 12,453 on police bail”

There has been bad feeling between the two districts since Whitechapel narrowly pipped their South London rivals in the annual, London’s Most Well-Kept Front Garden contest in June of last year.


whelk fp brexit homes

Each 6′ x 6′ room comes with its own naked lightbulb and fitted gruel cupboard –London District of Whitechapel

‘Banksy’ chalked insulting remark on my back claims local man

Image result for banksy

A 43-year-old Whitechapel builder has claimed that world-renowned street artist, ‘Banksy’, wrote, ‘Kick me, I’m a twat’ on the back of his donkey jacket in white chalk while he was travelling on the tube to work yesterday.

Toby Dell, a married father of two from Columbia Road, told us: “When I got to work, I noticed that the other lads were nudging each other and laughing behind my back

“Well, I’m the one who’s laughing now. Thanks to Banksy, I’ve got a priceless work of art on my coat”

“He must have done it at some point on the District Line between Whitechapel and Plaistow, where I got off.

“It’s definitely a Banksy. I recognise his handwriting from that climate change one he did last week”

Mr Dell’s wife, Tracy, 42, was a little more guarded in her reaction: “I’m pretty sure Toby junior did it after his dad bollocked him for pissing on the seat in the downstairs loo”

In other related news, a woman from neighbouring Spitalfields has claimed that a replica of the Russian modernist artist, Marc Chagall’s, ‘Flying Over Vitebsk’ has appeared in a chickenpox rash on her 7-year-old son’s arse.

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