The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888




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It’s a little-known fact that President Donald Trump, by his own admission, was a gifted and nimble-footed ballroom dancer, who, had his career not been tragically cut short by a bone-spur flare-up, would have gone on to reach unprecedented heights in the discipline, resulting in his being named as Time magazine’s Man Of The Year for a record 40 years in succession and then for a further half-century following his death.

It’s a sobering thought that a man who would gladly race into a besieged high school and take out a crazed gunman without a thought for his own mortality could also have achieved a perfect ’10’ from Len Goodman following an inspired paso doble at The Whitechapel Palais de Dance – Ed

Endangered white rhino now totally extinct in Whitechapel

Dorset Street in Whitechapel pictured last night with no white rhinos in it

The World Wildlife Fund announced last night that the critically endangered white rhino is now totally extinct in the Whitechapel area.

A spokesman for the organisation told The National Geographic Society: “No white rhinos have been spotted in Whitechapel for over two weeks.

“It is therefore with great sadness that we must assume that they are now extinct in the region.

“Hunting is probably the main cause, although the creatures’ favourite feeding areas around the bins at the back of pie and mash shops have been decimated by recent closures due to a pre-Brexit mash shortage.”

This news comes hot on the heels of the announcement by The Zoological Society in London, that the extremely rare, Sumatran elephant, is almost extinct in the neighbouring district of Cripplegate, with only 2 breeding pairs left in the swing park just off Bygrove Street.

New Whitechapel terror as ‘Jack The Parking Regulations Violator’ commits fresh atrocities

jack the ripper

The parking regulations-flouting fiend who has held Whitechapel in an icy grip of terror since early October has allegedly now struck twice in one night, according to police reports.

Detective Chief Inspector, Toby Dell, spoke to reporters outside Leman Street police station last night: “The man calling himself, Jack The Parking Regulations Violator, committed two further offences last night contrary to the Highways Act of 1965.

“At 23.15 he parked a yellow Honda CRV on a double yellow line in Vallance Road, and at 02.15 he left a Ford Mondeo in the bus lane in Commercial Street in Spitalfields.

“In both cases, the suspect fled the scene in a Hansom cab, which, according to witnesses, made a loud clattering sound on the cobbles before vanishing into the swirling fog.”

These two latest offences bring the fiend’s tally of flagrant parking regulations-flouting to six, in what locals are calling: ‘The Autumn of Traffic-Based Liberty-Taking Terror’

SURVEY: Everybody in Whitechapel can expect to be stabbed within the next 10 years

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Knife crime in Whitechapel in the olden days (staged by actors)

A recent study by Oxford University has revealed, that by 2028, the entire population of Whitechapel will have been stabbed at least once.

The findings are a worrying reflection of the recent spate of knife crimes throughout the capital during the last year, with a number of fatalities and serious woundings being recorded, particularly in the East London boroughs.

Many locals were dismayed by the findings last night, but there were a few that adopted a more optimistic stance.

Toby Dell, a 53-year-old forklift truck inspector from Leman Street told us: “I suppose it’s a bit of a concern for people who live here but you have to look on the bright side. For example, imagine if Piers Morgan or Donald Trump came on a visit. It would be brilliant to see those two getting the bloody good shanking they deserve”

This latest survey comes just a week after a study conducted by The University of London found that 1 in 10,000 residents living in the affluent area of Mayfair stood a 3 to 1 chance of choking to death on their quinoa porridge.

William Shatner: I’ll never visit Whitechapel while killer hedgehog roams free


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Shatner pictured refusing to boldly go to Whitechapel last night


Sci-fi TV show stalwart, William Shatner, has refused an invitation to host a Star Trek convention at a Whitechapel community centre on the grounds that a killer hedgehog that is currently at large in the borough could threaten his safety.

Speaking from his home in California, the 137-year-old star told The Whelk: “Normally, I would jump at the chance to visit a great place like Whitechapel, but with a killer hedgehog on the loose, it’s a chance I’m not prepared to take.

“I’ve been in many sticky situations during my career as a spaceship captain, like the time I shot a 3-headed monster with my ray gun that was about to eat Bones and Scotty, but there are limits I’m afraid and you have to draw the line somewhere.

“Maybe, if the police or the zoo capture the hedgehog and kill it I might reconsider, but until they do I’m staying right here”

Shatner is the second sci-fi legend to snub the district. In 1963, the bloke with white hair who played the original Dr Who, refused an invitation to open a youth club in Leman Street on the grounds that Whitechapel is “an absolute shithole”

Dried-on Cornflake survives 5th dishwasher cycle unscathed


A Cornflake pictured in defiant mood last night


From our, ‘We’ve all been there’ correspondent, Danny Soz

A piece of Cornflake debris has reportedly remained stuck fast to a cereal bowl in a council home in Whitechapel in East London despite being subjected to 5 dishwasher cycles, 2 of which were on the ‘power wash’ setting.

The bowl’s owner, vehicle mechanic, Toby Dell, 37, a married father of 5, told The Whitechapel Whelk: “I noticed this bit of Cornflake stuck to the bowl after the first wash, so I put it in again, but despite putting it on the ‘normal wash’ setting and not  ‘economy’, it somehow survived.

“I then put it in for another 3 cycles, including 2 power washes, but I just couldn’t shift it. If anything, the hot air in the drying cycle seemed to weld it even more securely to the bowl.

“The missus told me to give it to her to wash up in the sink. She told me that she’d use a scourer on it, but there was no way I was giving in.

“Yesterday, I took it to work and put it in the sandblasting machine we use for cleaning spark plug electrodes but it survived that too.

“I eventually took it out into the yard and ran it over with the forklift. It felt like an enormous weight had been lifted from my shoulders”

Scientists have recently discovered that the bond between Cornflake debris and a clean flat surface is the strongest known to man and is in fact routinely used by budget airline, Ryanair, to fix the wings to their aircraft.

Self-publishing thugs stage murderous gang battle in East London library


Carving out a literary reputation. East London self-publishers gather to discuss the perils of excessive alliteration


Police officers were called to the Whitechapel Municipal Library last night after a vicious fight broke out between rival gangs of youths, all of whom have self-published books on sale on the Amazon website and other online outlets.

Fighting broke out after a 16-year-old boy was taunted by a rival gang member about his errant usage of the Oxford comma.

Within minutes, a mass brawl was underway which left one 19-year-old, who has an abysmal anthology of poetry languishing in Amazon, lying dead. While a 17-year-old, whose poorly-written and laughingly grandiose pot-boiler sold less than 40 copies to his long-suffering family and WordPress followers, is in a critical condition in The Royal London Hospital.

A police spokesman told reporters last night: “This was a cynical attempt by lawless gangs of self-publishing thugs to establish a modicum of credibility in the world of literature. Thanks to the efforts of my officers, they failed miserably.

“Society is due a well-earned rest from self-publishers and their horrendous output, and I know that The Home Secretary is already working on legislation that will ensure that anyone who submits risible copy and weighs out the thick end of 200 quid to a licenced bandit will be given a long custodial sentence”

In other related news, a woman who has self-published over 90 absolutely ghastly bodice-rippers was found hanging from Blackfriars Bridge last night after receiving her 750th rejection slip from a proper publishing house.

Editor’s note: If you’ve been tempted to part with your hard-earned readies to an online mobster in the futile belief that people other than the poor bastards you’ve coerced into forking out for your literary bilge will touch it with a bargepole I’m rather afraid you that you’re only fooling yourself.

Local woman falls for Google Earth’s ‘Pegman’


Walker with a stalker. Google’s pegman strikes an alluring pose on a recent visit to Cripplegate


A 49-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she has fallen in love with the little yellow pegman figure that is used to navigate the streets on Google Earth Streetview.

Mrs Tracy Dell, a secretary in a local forklift truck company, told us: “I first realised I had feelings for the little Google Earth man when I was planning a family holiday in Mablethorpe in Yorkshire.

“I was using him to negotiate some of the roads leading down to the beach when I noticed how attractive he was.

“Over the next few weeks, I fell deeply and began fantasising about sleeping with him and wondering if he’d be a considerate and tender lover.

“I tried to make him notice me by using Google Earth while wearing a variety of saucy outfits but he seemed impervious to my charms.

“I’m now wondering if he might be gay and whether it would be worth my while dressing up as a fireman”

Ms Dell’s confession comes exactly 30 years after a 40-year-old woman from Shoreditch divorced her husband after she came home early and found him engaged in a saucy naked romp with British Telecom’s, ‘The Speaking Clock’

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