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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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The WordPress, Blog-O-Mate Butt Plug of Hope

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Are you sick of being beaten to the punch by other bloggers when it comes to liking or commentating on a recent post by one of your favourite members of the WordPress family? Do you find yourself logging into WordPress on your PC, laptop or device, only to find that one of your most loyal and valued followers has made a post and that you are about 75th in the list of likers?

Well, those days could be over for good with the help of this clever little device. The WordPress Blog-O-Mate Butt Plug Of Hope simply slips into the anal cavity and will deliver a brief but powerful electrical jolt every time a pre-selected blogger of your choice clicks their “Publish” button.

Endorsed by WordPress themselves, the Blog-O-Mate will ensure that you never have to endure the heartache of seeing rows of small avatars lined up beneath that special post that you wanted so much to be the first to endorse.

It can be used any time, any place. Whether you’re at home relaxing, working at the office, or even in the shower. The Blog-O-Mate will make sure you never have to play second fiddle to your rival bloggers again.

Warning: Always remember to remove the Butt Plug Of Hope before going to the toilet, particularly if you are going to evacuate your bowel. Failure to do so may result in extreme abdominal pain, bloating, haemorrhoids, a throbbing vein in the temple, and in extreme cases, death, for which the manufacturers cannot be held responsible.

Testimonials:

“I’m a fawning sycophant and as silly as a sackload of shit. I honestly believe that by liking and commenting on other people’s blogs my own tawdry output will in some way be enhanced” – Miguel Sideboard. Torremolinos

“I agree with Mr Sideboard! Since this wonderful little device started electrocuting my arseole at regular intervals I’ve never felt more popular or more loved by members of the WordPress family” – Sammy Menopause. Rotherham.

“I was having sex with my girlfriend when my Blog-O-Mate alerted me that somebody I don’t know from Adam had made a post. My girl found the experience so pleasurable she now makes a WordPress post whenever we indulge in rumpy pumpy. Thanks Blog-O-Mate!” – Billy Kunt. Kent.

For express delivery of The Blog-O-Mate send cash or a banker’s draft for £22,985.70p + £800.00 p&p to:

Danny Soz
Name and address withheld
Soz Satire Magazine
Whitechapel E1

I won’t rest until I’ve followed every blog on WordPress, vows Biden

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United States President-Elect, Joe Biden, broke away from his inauguration preparations earlier to tell a Whelk reporter that his primary goal before he addresses the current health emergency and the rise of the far-right is to follow every blog on WordPress in a bid to get huge quantities of likes everytime he publishes a piece.

“I’ve noticed that some contributors are attracting literally hundreds of likes despite the fact that their own output is absolute garbage”, he told us.

“There’s one dude wearing an army hat who regularly attracts huge amounts of likes and his blog is a real piece of boring crap.

“I can only put it down to the fact that he follows just about every blog on the whole damn site, from appalling self-published book bandits to the blogs based on self-help, dieting, and sceptic tank-emptying.

“I aim to kick that guys ass and become the most successful blogger of all damn times”

When our reporter asked him how he was going to find time to read all those blogs, he chuckled and replied: “Read ’em? Hell, nobody reads other people’s shit.

“You just scroll down the reader and click on the little star gizmo beneath the blogs that follow you back.

“I only ever read two blogs with any degree of regularity and that’s, The Shinbone Star, because they rip the piss out of Trump, and, The Whitechapel Whelk, which is a limey newspaper cobbled together by a bunch of East London juice-head satirists.

“It’s a damn funny read and I’m going to reward those boys by awarding them The Congressional Medal of Honour or some shit like dat”

In tomorrow’s edition: ‘How I bagged myself eighty thousand Twitter followers by posting saucy shower pics of Prince Philip, by Her Majesty The Queen.

WORDPRESS STUDY: Quantity of followers really does equal quality of blog

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GREAT POST!

A recent study by The University of Guildford has found that bloggers with a large number of followers are infinitely better writers and produce a far more interesting blog than those with just a handful of devotees.

It was previously thought that people with a huge following were merely desperados in need of validation for their wretched output which could only be achieved by spending countless hours on the WordPress site, liking other blogs and dishing out the insincere platitudes in the comments section.

However, Professor Toby Dell, who headed the study, told The Whelk: “Our study has shown that the more followers and comments you have the better your blog is and there’s an end to it”

When pressed, Professor Dell admitted that he was a WordPress contributor himself with over 1.5 million followers at the last count.

EDITOR’S NOTE: I once spotted a blog on here, advertising the services of a septic tank-emptying company which boasted over 250 likes for a post offering to suck human excrement from a pit in your garden. Food for thought right there, folks.

HEALTH & PHILOSOPHY

cosmarxpolitan

©Cosmarxpolitan is a Commie Smart Dude Publication. All rights are the opium of the people.

Parliament seizes control of Michael Caine

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Caine pictured in combative mood last night

 

In an unprecedented move, Parliament last night voted to take control of veteran British actor, Michael Caine and has now occupied his swish home in Beverly Hills

Caine, 108, told newsmen last night: “I got up this morning and went downstairs to make a brew as usual, only to find Anna Soubry, Hilary Benn and Angela Eagle, sprawled out on the sofa reading the papers.

“I asked them what they were playing at only be told to “fuck off out of it” by Mr Benn.

“I wouldn’t mind, but when I went to have my morning slash in the downstairs bog, I found that Speaker of The House, John Bercow, was in there having a shit and I had to get in the stairlift and use the one upstairs”

It is believed that Parliament will later stage a series of votes on Caine’s future film roles, including whether to allow him to play any more fired-up old geezers who decide to shoot all the drug dealers on his council estate because they killed one of his juicehead mates.

This move mirrors an earlier parliamentary decision to seize control of Bond actor, Piers Brosnan, that was subsequently abandoned when he began singing a medley of tunes from Mama Mia.

March To Leave Participants Running Low On Elven Bread

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Yes, I think we’ll stick to pie and mash, to be honest

The small band of Brexiters taking part in the March To Leave journey from Sunderland to London are reportedly running low on their supply of nourishing elven bread, or Lembas.

A small piece of the wholesome, ‘waybread’ was given to each participant, wrapped in a single Telperion leaf, by march organiser, Nigel ‘Galadriel’ Farage, before they set out on their quest to rescue Brexit from the dark forces of Parliamendor last Sunday.

A spokesman for the marchers, calling himself, Banksie Son Of Bloat, spoke to newsmen from outside his club in London’s Bloomsbury.

“I have been informed of the shortage of Lembas and will be doing everything in my power to ensure that a fresh supply is sent to the boys and girls as soon as I have received the necessary bank transfers from them”

When challenged about the sparsity of the participants, he explained that there were over a thousand to begin with but many had been picked off by fearsome Snowflake Ring Wraiths shortly after setting off from an inn, and by raiding parties of extreme left-wing Remoaner Orcs on the outskirts of Hartlepool

Newsmen later confronted, march organiser, Farage, and asked him why he wasn’t participating himself.

He explained that he had been there the entire time but had been invisible because he’d been wearing the One Ring To Fool Them All.

He then slipped a gold band on his middle finger and disappeared into a wine bar in swish, Minas Mayfair.

Apologies to our valued friends from foreign lands who won’t have a clue as to what we’re taking the piss out of here. It’s basically a bunch of fuckwits trudging through the rain in support of a policy that will bring our country down to the level of a 3rd World banana republic without any bananas.

Think Trump supporters in wellington boots. – Ed

Local woman ‘delighted’ with husband’s cement mixer birthday gift

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Cementing their relationship. Mrs Dell’s birthday gift pictured last night

A 50-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whitechapel Whelk that she was extremely pleased when her husband gave her a cement mixer for her birthday last week.

Tracy Dell, a housewife from Commercial Street, told us: “When my husband, Toby, told me to cover my eyes while he led me out into the garden on my birthday I knew I was in for something a bit special.

“When he finally said it was ok to look and I saw that cement mixer on the garden path I was speechless, to be honest

“Then, when he explained that he was going to use it to build a retaining wall for the woman next door, I was so overcome I broke down and wept.

“He’d even bought me two sacks of Portland cement and 5 of builder’s sand to go with it, the darling”

We asked to speak to Mr Dell but Mrs Dell explained that he’d gone on holiday for a rest and wouldn’t be back for quite some time.

She did show us her brand new patio though, explaining that her husband had put his ‘body and soul’ into building it.

This piece is based on a true story told to us by our graphics editor, whose dad once bought her mum a cement mixer for Christmas. He later made up for it by getting her a TV aerial for her birthday. I don’t know if he suffered the same fate as Mr Dell, however. She became evasive when questioned further – Ed

FOOD & DRINK

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Lightweight Chump is a Tediously Healthy Liver publication©

Brexit Latest: French and German lessons to be replaced by Cockney and Yorkshire in English schools

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The Education Secretary for Yorkshire pictured complete with whippet last night

In a controversial move, the government has announced that after Britain’s scheduled departure from the European Union on March 29, the languages curriculum in English schools will be revised, with German and French being replaced by lessons in Cockney and Yorkshire.

Instead of being taught skills such as verb conjugation and the usage of the past and present participle in the two European languages, children will learn Cockney rhyming slang and, in the case of the Yorkshire dialect, vowel strangulation and omission of the pronoun.

Speaking to newsmen yesterday, a Yorkshire representative for the Department of Education said: “Now then, reporters! ‘Appen t’ gooverment’s ‘ad a reet good rethink about ‘ow owr bluddy kids are taught in t’ schools.

“Aye and about bluddy time too! Bah eck as like!

“BluddyFrench and German?!

“From now on there’ll be nay talk o’ that bluddy nonsense in owr schools, ah can tell thee that fer nowt!”

The Education Secretary for London schools was unavailable for comment last night but his press officer told newsmen: “If you fink we’re gonna teach our saucepan lids fackin’ German and Frog, you must be round the fackin’ bend, you slaaags!

“Nah, sling your bleedin’ hooks or I’ll send some of the chaps round to fackin’ serve you up!”

In other news, cookery lessons in schools post-Brexit will be replaced by lessons in gruel making and cannibalism.

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