Search

The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

Tag

WordPress

BREAKING

trump fp

Here at Whelk Towers, we often marvel at the fact that there is still a single, solitary American soul left cheerleading for this joker. What more in the way of acts of utter chicanery does he have to commit before people begin to realise that he’s just a mobster with an orange wig, a low IQ, and excellent genes? – Ed

Britain and EU call truce to play lunchtime football match

 

aero-legends-website-design-42-1
Theresa May and her wingman, Stephen “Ginger” Barclay, pictured on their way to Europe for Brexit talks yesterday

The warring factions of Great Britain and the European Union called a brief truce at noon yesterday to share food and drink with each other and to play a game of 13-a-side football on the green outside the European Parliament in Strasbourg.

Members of both negotiating teams, including British prime minister, Theresa May and European Council President, Donald Tusk, approached each other tentatively outside the parliament building following a morning spent at loggerheads over Mrs May’s proposal to make changes to the Irish backstop agreement.

The protagonists then shook hands briefly before sharing their packed lunches and other refreshments.

At one point, the British produced a case of Spitfire Kentish Ale and handed out cans to their opposite numbers, while the Europeans opened bottles of wine and lager to share with their British counterparts.

Then, amid laughter and some good-natured catcalls, an old leather football was produced and a rather shambolic soccer match began, which the Brits won 4-2 after a controversial late effort from Brexit Secretary, Stephen Barclay, struck the crossbar and bounced down just behind the goal line.

It was a hard-fought but good-natured affair for the most part. However, the game ended on a sour note after European Chief Negotiator, Michel Barnier, clattered Mrs May on the halfway line in injury time.

The two then squared up and there was some pushing and shoving, with Barnier calling the British Prime Minister, a “lanky Little Englander”, which May countered by calling the Frenchman, “an intransigent Frog twat.”

Dozens die from old age during pro-Brexit march on Downing Street

See the source image
Taking back control, but at what cost? Some typical Brexiteers pictured earlier

There were calls for an age limit to be imposed on protestors last night after more than forty elderly Brexiteers passed away during a short march from Trafalgar Square to Downing Street where they were due to protest about a proposed extension to Article 50.

An eye-witness told newsmen: “It was pretty grim, to be honest. They were dropping like flies along Whitehall.

“I saw one old bloke with a, ‘No Deal. No Problem’ banner, clutching his chest and gasping for air.

“He eventually dropped dead in front of one of the soldiers on sentry duty outside Horseguards.

“An old girl threw down her ‘Just Leave’ banner and started to administer CPR, but it was too late for the poor old sod

“By the time they’d got to Downing Street, Whitehall and Parliament Street looked like the aftermath of The Battle of Waterloo, with bodies and abandoned walking sticks and zimmer frames all over the shop.

“It’s a shame really as now they’ll never know if the EU agreed to make changes to the proposed Irish backstop agreement or whether Mrs May will be pressured into calling a 2nd referendum”.

A spokesperson for Age Concern said last night: “Our advice to anyone over the age of 60 is to forget about going on political demos and to stay indoors in front of the fire with a nice cup of tea and a few biccies.

“There’s nothing you can do to alter government policy by going out marching in the cold, and in any case, you’ll be dead before long anyway”

This latest incident comes just a month after 12 elderly northerners died of a number of age-related illnesses during a short march to Sheffield town hall where they were due to hand in a petition complaining about the number of illegal immigrants claiming benefits while living in 15 bedroom mansions in Hillsborough.

Storm as elderly EU residents told to pay to become whining, geriatric, Brit xenophobes

whitefamilysmilinglarge_full
Filthy European Union scum pictured celebrating the arrival of another fat benefits cheque

Theresa May’s government came under fire last night following an announcement in The Commons that European Union citizens over the age of 60 living in this country will have to pay a £70 fee and undergo a written and oral examination in order to become fully accepted as whining geriatric racists like the vast majority of their indigenous British counterparts.

The test will include sections on writing xenophobic letters to newspapers, tutting loudly when there are foreigners in the doctor’s waiting room, complaining in a loud voice about there being, ‘far too many darkies in the country’, in the queue at the post office, and pushing parcels containing dog shit through the letterboxes of anybody not born in England.

A Home Office spokesman said last night: “If these people wish to be accepted as small-minded, mean-spirited Little Englanders like the rest of us, this government feels that they should have to meet certain standards and pay for the privilege while they’re about it”

By way of a concession to EU residents, Mrs May did announce yesterday that the government would be waiving the proposed so-called £60, settlement fee, although foreign nationals will be made to stand at the end of the queue for their bowl of thin gruel at feeding stations in the event of Britain crashing out with no deal.

Self-published author forced to admit whole deal a complete shitshow

writer
A self-publishing bod pictured churning out a load of old ill-conceived toot in the olden days

A 40-year-old Whitechapel man has finally conceded that his attempt at becoming an independent, self-published author has been a complete shitshow from start to finish.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver who writes under the pen name of, T S Steinbeck-Hemingway, launched his first novel, ‘I Was A Teenage Werewolf In A Dystopian Hinterland With People Chasing After Me’, last Tuesday with disappointing results.

“Of course I realised that being an indie author with delusions of grandeur and very little else wasn’t going to be easy.”, he told us.

“However, I wasn’t prepared for a zero sales return and an Amazon review catalogue full of insults and savage piss-taking.

“It started so promisingly with many of the people I follow on WordPress giving me glowing feedback and firm encouragement to take the next step.

“It’s almost as if they were just saying these things in return for reciprocal likes and comments”

A recent study conducted by Balliol College, Oxford, found that over 5 billion people worldwide are now self-published authors with average book sales of 1 and a half books per person producing an income of 0.003p per annum, and that’s in a good year.

Strange But True #8713

brexit ferry cock up

This spoof front page, my friends, is based on a factual event which took place in this sceptred isle last week and is indicative of the complete shitshow that Brexit has now become.

Sometimes, our work as satirists is made simple by the actions of politicians.

This debacle is a case in point.

Still, we’ve got our country back, my friends!

Now, who ordered the Quatro Formaggio deep crust with pineapple?

ray liotta brexit meme

Sword Swallowing and You: A Pictorial Essay

marvo

It is with deep regret that we must tell you that Marvo lost his battle and was taken from us on Christmas Eve 2018.

He will be remembered for his CUTTING  wit, his SHARP intellect, and his willingness to SHIELD others from harm while backing them up to the HILT etc.

May he rust in peace – Ed

Classic literature and its part in our castigation

little house

Following the recent publication of a previous SIHOTP gag elsewhere, the editor of the magazine concerned received a number of complaints about poor taste and depravity, with one poor woman wailing that the piece had made her, “sick to my stomach”

So with this in mind, we have redoubled our efforts and will now be turning these out just as fast as we can come up with them.

We will, however, be offering readers a free bottle of Milk of Magnesia in the event of any stomach-related issues which may result. – Ed

‘Frail’ Prince Philip now communicating using a ship-to-ship Aldis Lamp

A_Wren_transmitting_messages_using_an_Aldis_lamp_in_1944._D19088
A young woman pictured signalling to her boyfriend with an Aldis Lamp last night

A source close to the royal family yesterday revealed that The Duke of Edinburgh now has to communicate with family members and members of the royal household via a ship-to-ship Aldis Lamp.

The frail Duke, now aged 112, can no longer speak, other than to utter the odd cuss word, and now uses the lamp exclusively from his bath chair or horse and carriage.

The palace insider told a magazine: “The Duke even uses his Aldis at the dinner table and got a rather lengthy telling-off from The Queen over Christmas dinner when he temporarily blinded her while complaining about the consistency of the plum pudding”

The Duke’s current plight mirrors that of Tsar Nicolas II of Russia who, in his later years, had to make small talk at royal functions using Morse Code.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑