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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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writing

Self-published author forced to admit whole deal a complete shitshow

writer
A self-publishing bod pictured churning out a load of old ill-conceived toot in the olden days

A 40-year-old Whitechapel man has finally conceded that his attempt at becoming an independent, self-published author has been a complete shitshow from start to finish.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver who writes under the pen name of, T S Steinbeck-Hemingway, launched his first novel, ‘I Was A Teenage Werewolf In A Dystopian Hinterland With People Chasing After Me’, last Tuesday with disappointing results.

“Of course I realised that being an indie author with delusions of grandeur and very little else wasn’t going to be easy.”, he told us.

“However, I wasn’t prepared for a zero sales return and an Amazon review catalogue full of insults and savage piss-taking.

“It started so promisingly with many of the people I follow on WordPress giving me glowing feedback and firm encouragement to take the next step.

“It’s almost as if they were just saying these things in return for reciprocal likes and comments”

A recent study conducted by Balliol College, Oxford, found that over 5 billion people worldwide are now self-published authors with average book sales of 1 and a half books per person producing an income of 0.003p per annum, and that’s in a good year.

CRIME DESK: Local self-published author attacks regular published author with axe

bloody_axe_by_skeygeta
A bloody axe, similar to the type of thing you would find on a self-published book cover

A 40-year-old Whitechapel man was in police custody last night after attacking a 27-year-old man with an axe in what is believed to have been an act of jealousy.

The arrested man, Toby Dell from Leman Street, was allegedly envious of the victim’s success in getting a book published by a recognised publishing house, while Dell had to pay to get his work launched on Amazon.

We spoke to a neighbour last night who told us: “Toby was a really nice bloke before he got involved in the self-publishing game.

“He seemed to change almost overnight. He became withdrawn and aggressive.

“He used to launch into angry outbursts, attacking published authors. He used to call them scumbags and liberty-takers. Even the good ones like Stephen King and Charles Dickens.

“So when I heard he’d gone for this bloke with an axe I wasn’t surprised, to be honest with you”

Dell will appear at Horseferry Road magistrates court on Monday charged with attempted murder and writing without due care and talent.

Local man flirts with thoughts of euthanasia after chair-induced groaning episodes

 

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A chair similar to the one that has made Mr Dell want to kill himself pictured earlier

 

A 52-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that his thoughts now regularly turn to ending his own life in a Swiss clinic after he recently noticed that he has begun to groan with exertion when getting up from a chair or sofa at his home.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck quality control inspector, told us: “Over the last few months I’ve noticed that I sometimes make a slight grunting sound when I get out of my chair.

“My kids were the first to notice and now laugh and point whenever I do it.

“As a result, I’m beginning to see the writing on the wall and realise that my demise is probably just weeks, or, at best, months away.  I’ve, therefore, now begun making plans for my own death at least 2 or 3 times a day.

“I’m rather hoping that they’ll introduce euthanasia into this country in the near future so I won’t have to shell out for airfares to a mercy killing clinic in Switzerland when things become intolerable”

In other news, a 58-year-old woman from East Ham threw herself into the Thames and drowned at St Katherine’s Dock yesterday after suffering an episode of laughter-induced incontinence during a cinema visit to watch a romantic comedy with a much younger man she had only just met on an online dating site.

Trump vows to aid UNHCR following refugee crisis appeal

 

trump whelk bigly and best

US President Donald Trump was quick to respond last night after hearing an appeal from the United Nations High Commission for Refugees yesterday.

The UNHCR had earlier issued an appeal on behalf of the thousands fleeing from the war-torn Democratic Republic of Congo and the President was quick to throw his immediate support behind the UNHCR initiative.

Speaking to newsmen in The White House briefing room, Trump said: “As soon as I heard that these guys were appealing for refugees I wanted to help.

“If there’s a shortage of them and the United States can create any more, then I’m 100% committed to doing whatever I can.

“Maybe we could invade Puerto Rico and create a few refugees that way. They’ve been a real pain in the ass lately anyways.

“I’ll have a word with my guys tomorrow and see what we can do. If the UN guys are prepared to share the expense, maybe we could create a million or so in North Korea also”

The UNHCR declined to give a response last night, but one delegate we spoke to muttered: “Fuck’s sake” when we told him of Trump’s offer.

BREAKING!

whelk tablet glue

In other local news: Whitechapel residents were woken in the early hours by a man with loud hip-hop music and flashing lights coming out of one of his boots. Police are looking for a man with a club foot.

Blogger’s book sales remain stagnant despite having added ‘Author’ to his pen name

 

A blogger on the popular WordPress website has told Soz Satire magazine that his self-published book sales have remained pitifully low, despite the fact that he has added the word ‘Author’ to his nom de plume.

Toby Author-Dell, 65, from Whitechapel in East London, told us: “When my self-published book was launched on Amazon in March this year I had such high hopes for its success.

“Hundreds of my WordPress followers had repeatedly told me of its merits in very glowing terms indeed, so my expectations of bumper sales were extremely high.

“However, it only sold 5 copies and those were to my wife and kids, and even they had to be bribed with a weeks holiday in The Algarve.

“I then noticed that a number of my fellow bloggers were adding a hyphenated description to their pen names, such as, novelist, poet, writer etc, so I decided to give it a try and paid the publishers a small fortune to get the byline on the front cover changed.

“Sadly, it has had no effect whatsoever other than to prompt a few internet trolls to rip the piss out of me on Twitter.

“My friends and family have begged me to quit the writing game, and even my doctor has told me that I’m suffering from the delusional condition, Dunning-Kruger Syndrome, but I have unshakeable belief in my ability and I’m going to keep churning out my stuff ad nauseum come hell or high water. I owe it to my readership at the end of the day”

Mr Author-Dell’s book: ‘A Poet’s Guide To Overcoming Erectile Dysfunction’ is available free of charge on Amazon’s online book site, although we’d heartily recommend that you give it a very wide berth indeed, to be honest.

Author/wordsmith’s note: This piece is in no way designed to make people who add rather optimistic job descriptions to their pen names feel like utter twats. Oh dear me no. That’s right out that is!

Kind Regards

Danny Bard-Novelist-Highly-Acclaimed Author-Literary Deity-Erstwhile Airline Pilot-SAS War Hero-Corporation Dustman-SoZ

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