I’ll Set Up Refugee Camp For Gazans On My Huge Botoxed Forehead, Says Simon Cowell

Cowell pictured at his bungalow in Eastbourne last night

Pop entrepreneur and Britain’s Got Talent panellist, Simon Cowell, has announced that he has been so affected by the plight of the beleaguered civilian population in war-torn Gaza he is going to set up a refugee camp on his massive, botoxed forehead in a bid to alleviate their suffering.

Cowell, 95, told newsmen: ‘Along with everybody else with an ounce of decency, I’m sickened by the genocidal actions of the Israeli government against the civilians in Gaza and I intend to set up a camp on my gigantic, spam forehead that will hopefully provide shelter for many stricken families.’

It is estimated that well in excess of twenty thousand people will fit comfortably on Cowell’s spam. They will then be fed and watered by around 500 aid trucks which will be loaded with provisions from inside his ridiculous, high-waisted, clown trousers.

I’ll Form Bombproof Canopy Over Gaza With My Big Face, Vows Olly Murs

Pop icon, Olly Murs, has revealed that he intends to shield the wartorn Gaza Strip from further destruction via Israeli airstrikes using his big face as a bombproof canopy.

Murs, 65, told newsmen: ‘I’m appalled by the destruction and the loss of innocent life that we see on our TV screens daily and have decided I can no longer stand idly by.

‘I have emailed the head honcho of Gaza, telling him that I’m more than happy to use my massive dial to provide shelter for these poor devils.

The Dance With Me star went on: ‘It’s the least I can do, and as soon as I’ve finished filming a Stars In Their Eyes Xmas Special, I’ll be on the first plane out there.

‘It’s not that I’ve got it in for the Jews per se as my next-door neighbour’s one and we get on pretty well, but you can’t have innocent women and kids getting blown to buggery can you?’

It is understood that Murs will be lifted above the area using a number of cranes which will position his enormous face above some of the hardest hit areas, including a recently targeted Gaza City refugee camp and a number of hospitals in Khan Younis that have been threatened with destruction by the Israeli Defence Force.

In other news, roly-poly Jewish broadcaster, Vanessa Feltz, told a rally of Pro-Israeli demonstrators in London yesterday that she intends to shore up Israel’s vulnerable northern border with Lebanon using her gigantic, wobbly arse.

US Calls For Aljazeera to Screen ‘Happy Days’ In Place of Gaza Reports

In an unprecedented move, US Secretary of State, Anthony Blinken, has put pressure on the Qatari government, who control the groundbreaking Aljazeera news network, to tone down their unflinching, graphic coverage of the Israeli/Gaza conflict by screening episodes of 70s hit sitcom, Happy Days, instead.

‘I don’t think people are interested in having war crimes highlighted while at home relaxing’ he told newsmen.

‘Aljazeera should tone it down a little, cut out the imagery of bloodied and dying children and show Happy Days on a loop instead.

‘After all, who wouldn’t prefer to see The Fonz making out in his car with a cheerleader over yet another Israeli airstrike on a hospital?’

Critics in the media world, however, have called Blinken’s move outrageous and a cynical attempt to curry favour with the wealthy Jewish lobby in the States during the run-up to an election year.

Here in the UK, the reaction has been mixed, with Prime Minister Rishi Sunak offering the move his ‘wholehearted backing’ while Defence Secretary, Grant Shapps, asked reporters: ‘Aljazeera? Is that the little foreign chappie who runs that rather wonderful Lebanese eaterie at St Katherine’s Dock?’

Laughable conjecture, of course. I mean, an attempt by the US to stifle a respected broadcast medium is clearly for the birds…isn’t it? – Ed

I’ll Push In Front Of Israeli Troops at Gaza Border, Says Holly Willoughby

Weapons-grade irritant, Willoughby, pictured looking as if butter wouldn’t melt earlier this year

In a shock announcement last night, former Good Morning TV host, Holly Willoughby, told The Whelk that she intends to head for the Israel/Gaza border at the weekend where she will shove her way to the front of the massed Israeli troops in a bid to be at the vanguard when the order is eventually given to move into the Palestinian enclave.

Willoughby, 62, was heavily criticised last year when, along with her erstwhile joint presenter, Philip Schofield, she barged her way into Westminster Hall as Her Late Majesty Queen Elizabeth lay in state, infuriating members of the public who had queued for more than twenty-four hours to pay their respects.

Speaking from her Surrey home, she told us: ‘I’m determined to be the first over that border and if it means that the some members of the Israeli Defence Forces are elbowed to one side, so be it’

‘When asked if her former friend, and now disgraced TV host, Schofield, would be joining her, she became irate and snapped: ‘Absolutely no chance. I realise we were once close, but since he ruined our status as the prince and princess of morning TV by coming out as an arse bandit who’d been roaring up a young production assistant, I want absolutely nothing more to do with the fool’

We approached Schofield for a response last night but we were told that he was camped outside the home of the naturalist, David Attenborough, in order to be the first on the scene, looking grief-stricken in the event of the 97-year-old national treasure’s death.

Our foreign readers may have absolutely no idea who the wretched woman is so let us assure you that she’s an absolute fucker of a very high order indeed! – Ed

Israeli and Hamas Leaders Anxiously Seek Guidance From Morons on Facebook

With the Gaza crisis reaching heightened levels of tension, leaders of both Hamas and Israel are anxiously scanning Facebook for advice from gormless fucknuts who can barely summon the necessary motor skills to walk and rub their tummies at the same time.

An Israeli government spokesman told newsmen last night: ‘This is a critical time for our forces as we prepare to strike at the very heart of the Hamas command and control capability, so it’s absolutely vital to see what some industrial strength dickwad Facebooker with shit for brains would consider to be our best strategy on this one.’

Meanwhile, a Hamas representative told the Reuters news agency: ‘With the Zionist dogs moving ever closer, it’s imperative that we establish what a variety of slack-jawed, semi-literate thundercunts have shoved up on their statuses in between posting pics of their poxy dinners and various photos of their alarmingly hideous kids.’

At the time of going to press, a 47-year-old unemployable man from Clapham in South London has just posted on Facebook that he thinks the Israelis should just charge at the Hamas fighters, dug in around Gaza City, on horseback, as his great-great grandad did at The Battle of Austerlitz in 1805.

He then added a recent photograph of his unpleasant-looking grandson who bears a striking resemblance to the comedian, Benny Hill.

Have you got anyone on your Facebook who has the solution to the Israel/Palestine problem which has confounded the finest diplomatic and geo-political minds since 1947? I know I have. -Ed

Local Mayor Proposes Bake-Off to Settle Israel/Hamas Conflict

The Mayor of Whitechapel has proposed that the current conflict between Israel and the terror group, Hamas, could be settled with a Great British Bake-Off-style contest to be held in a big tent on The Golan Heights.

His Worship Tobias Dell, CBE, told newsmen: ‘This current conflict looks like it could be a pretty drawn-out and bloody affair unless a long-term solution can be found.

‘I propose a bake-off in Golan with the side baking the best cakes being given the deeds to Palestine.

‘Paul Hollywood and Pru Leith could be the main judges with a couple of neutrals from China or one of the smaller countries like Britain as secondary adjudicators.

‘Of course, the bakers from both sides would be forbidden from shouting slogans at each other while waiting for their cakes to rise in the oven and from packing their buns or loaves with plastic explosives that could be used as weapons after the ‘stop baking’ directive is given at the end.’

A spokesman for the Israeli government said last night: ‘Sounds like a great plan. We pride ourselves on our cakes and buns here in Tel Aviv so we’re quietly confident.

‘Also, due to our illegal, essential services blockade on Palestine, the Hamas boys will be pretty short of yeast and even flour, so we’ve already got a headstart on the barbarian scum’

A Hamas spokesperson responded earlier today: ‘This is a great idea. Our boys are already dab hands at knocking up fancy cakes in the tunnels under the Gaza strip for when the lads have birthdays and at Christmas, so we’re quietly confident of kicking Zionist ass and claiming back the occupied territory, inshallah’

This proposal could mirror the peace deal struck between Britain and the IRA in 1990, when the Republicans agreed to stop bombing the British mainland after losing an ad hoc version of Bruce Forsythe’s, The Generation Game, staged in Dar Es Salaam.

Internet To Be Shut Down For Removal of Giant Pubic Hairball

It has been announced that the entire World Wide Web will be closed to all cyber traffic on Wednesday of next week while engineers work to remove a giant ball of pubic hair that has formed in one of the pipes, believed to be under Bermondsey, South London, caused by the sheer volume of pictures of genitalia being shared by people on dating sites and elsewhere.

Workmen will insert a giant drain snake, similar to the device used to unclog a domestic bath or sink pipe, into the internet opening in Rotherhithe at around 6.00 am, hoping to be finished before people log on after work.

The snake, or auger, to give it its technical name, will then be turned manually by up to five hundred burly men, stripped to the waste, until the offending ball of pubes is broken down before being extracted in long sodden strands which will then be recycled and used for wigs, sweaters, and, in the case of some of the finer strands, bleached and woven into gowns for cash-strapped brides-to-be.

An internet spokesman told newsmen: ‘We became aware of increasing delays in data flow during the last few months so sent a remote camera down an internet manhole close to where the problem was most severe.

‘We subsequently discovered this large ball of matted pubes in the pipework at Bermondsey, almost certainly caused by people sending each other pics of their dicks and growlers via Tinder and suchlike.

‘Hopefully, we’ll get this one sorted fairly quickly, although we may be delayed if the pubes are matted and bound together with any gobs of male spadge or women’s fanny batter.’

I Dream Of Setting Up Extermination Facilities For Foreigners, Says Home Secretary Braverman

In a controversial TV interview, the Home Secretary, Suella Braverman, has upped her recent anti-foreigner rhetoric by claiming that she often dreams of setting up Nazi-style death camps where asylum-seekers, and even foreign nationals currently domiciled in the UK, can be taken and put to death.

Braverman previously came in for criticism after revealing that she dreams of sending failed asylum-seekers to Rwanda in West Africa, a stance that even some of her Tory colleagues found unpalatable.

At the end of the interview in question, it was put to her that she herself is of Indian extraction and that both her parents immigrated to the UK from Kenya in the 1960s, at which point, she became visibly enraged, repeatedly screaming, ‘No, no, no’ before pulling a zombie knife from her clutch bag and lunging at the interviewer, inflicting a deep stab wound to the journalist’s neck.

Ban ill-fitting dressing gowns to stop rise in Alzheimer’s, says Tory MP.

Madcap MP Fabricant pictured last night

Eccentric Conservative MP, Michael Fabricant, yesterday called for a government ban on the ownership of garishly coloured, poorly-fitting dressing gowns as a proactive measure to curb the recent steady rise in people suffering from dementia and Alzheimer’s disease.

In a speech to local party members, Fabricant outlined his theory: ‘If you spot any of these Alzheimer types roaming aimlessly around the streets they are almost always wearing a brightly coloured dressing gown that doesn’t fit them, often accompanied by stripy flannelette pyjamas and shiny slippers.

‘I’m not saying that the dressing gowns per se are the root cause of the problem but perhaps if these people were denied access to them they’d be deterred somewhat, or would at least think twice, before wandering around all over the show, getting in the way of decent people trying to get to work and so on’

Last year, Fabricant had the party whip removed after he tweeted that working-class children under the age of five should have a sack of soot tipped over them three times a week as a reminder of their forebears’ task of crawling up chimneys to clear a blocked flue.

‘It would give these feckless youngsters of today a clearer idea of what a decent day’s work should consist of’, he tweeted in a post that was later taken down.