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The Whitechapel Whelk

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Meghan’s Reckless Toilet Visit Could Have Destroyed Palace, Says Daily Mail

The Daily Mail newspaper has claimed that if Meghan Markle had chosen to use the lavatory at Buckingham Palace during a prolonged period of heavy rain, the old Victorian sewer that runs beneath the Palace could have become backed up, causing a catastrophic failure of the crumbling system of main chambers and side channels.

This in turn would have led to the whole building collapsing, possibly killing The Queen and any other royal personage present at the time.

In a sensational revelation, the Mail claimed: ‘If she had used the toilet during a period of heavy rain or a Thames flood tide, the old Bazelgette sewer would almost certainly have collapsed, killing The Queen.

‘It’s all well and good introducing some mixed-race diversity into the royal family but not when it puts lives at risk.

‘ Imagine if Kate and the children had been swept away and drowned in a tide of shit and piss. How would that have made her feel?

‘Happy probably’

A year ago, the same newspaper claimed that Meghan once slipped American black people’s opium into Prince William’s tea so that she could have sex with him while he was in drug-induced torpor, making her pregnant and thus enabling her to pollute the royal bloodline by giving birth to the first non-white King or Queen of England.

Nigeria in talks with UK for the return of Jacob Rees Mogg

Jacob speaking latinFollowing recent successful negotiations with several museums in the UK for the return of looted artefacts, the Nigerian government are now believed to be in the advanced stages of talks to secure the return of Victorian missionary, Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Rees-Mogg, who is estimated to be over two hundred years old, disappeared from his mission station in a jungle clearing close to the capital, Abuja, in 1847.

Initially, it was thought that the Roman Catholic member of the White Fathers evangelical order had been killed by native tribesmen and possibly eaten, but he then re-emerged in the Horniman Museum in South London where he remained on display in a glass cabinet for almost half a century, kept alive on a diet of hard tack biscuits, acorn gruel and holy water

In the 1960s, a deal was struck with the Rees-Mogg family who took him back to the family home in Somerset where he enjoyed a brief career as a performer in a local music hall, singing sea shanties and Victorian love ditties in a high falsetto while riding back and forth across the stage on a penny-farthing bicycle.

He then entered politics and became the Conservative member for East Somerset and more recently the Minister For Brexit Opportunities.

After failing to find any, he asked to be returned to the museum where he remains in the basement, awaiting restoration work on his knees and monocle.

A museum spokesman told newsmen last night: ‘We realise that Jacob may have been looted so we are very much open to returning him to Nigeria.

‘Let them pay for his kedgeree breakfasts and monthly subscription to Mature Nannies In Suspenders.’

In 1947, the museum successfully fought off an action to return Tory MP, Ann Widdecombe, to the United States after they claimed she had been looted from The House of Grotesques on Coney Island by drunken matelots from HMS Bulwark in 1870.

POLITICS NEWS IN BRIEF

Tories Deny Use of Bullying Tactics During Last Night’s Fracking Debate as Health Minister, Therese Coffey, is Pictured Coercing A Passing Lib Dem MP Into Voting With Government.

womens sumo

In other news, the Tory hierarchy discuss possible candidates for prime minister after Truss is ousted.

malcom

More as we get it.

Meghan Beat Kate Up In The Buckingham Palace Toilets, Says Daily Mail

meghan
The Duchess pictured trying to look all innocent after beating seven shades of shite out of Kate last week

The Daily Mail newspaper is reporting that following an altercation at Buckingham Palace shortly before The Queen’s final departure from the palace on Wednesday, Meghan Markle, The Duchess of Sussex, launched a two-fisted attack on her sister-in-law, The Duchess of Cambridge in one of the palace toilets.

The Mail claims: ‘According to one of our palace insiders, Meghan gave Kate a terrible kicking.

‘Our source thinks it was because Meghan accused Kate of giving Harry the eye at breakfast that morning and leaning forward over the platter of kedgeree, giving him a flash of her tits’

The Mail claims that Kate was left with a broken cheekbone, two black eyes and a ruptured spleen, which resulted from Meghan ‘going in with the boot’ as Kate lay unconscious on the carpet.

Critics have poured scorn on the article, however, claiming that Kate showed no signs of bruising during the procession that followed the alleged incident.

There have also been claims that The Mail has constantly harangued and persecuted Meghan due to her nationality and, above all, her mixed-race heritage.

The newspaper responded furiously and strongly refuted the allegations last night: ‘The fact that Meghan is an American is neither here nor there as far as we are concerned, nor is the fact that she’s a sooty, colonial bitch with no right to be within a country mile of our royals’

We should like to point out that this is not an attack on the skewed, right-wing stance adopted by the Daily Mail and certainly not a condemnation of the gormless, elderly fuckwits and chinless, racist thundercunts who read it – Ed

BRIEF ENCOUNTER

Winston

From Our Editor-In-Chief, Danny Soz

Shortly after paying my respects to Her Late Majesty at Buckingham Palace yesterday, I decided to make the short walk to Parliament Square where I took my ease on a wall next to the elderly gentleman pictured above.

As I sat in solitary contemplation of the previous day’s sad events, he spoke to me in rather gruff tones, addressing me thus:

‘Ah yes, young man. Did I ever tell you about the time when a bright-eyed young filly came to me for advice following a sudden and unexpected career change in 1952?

‘Just a slip of a gal she was and a pretty little thing too if memory serves.

‘We chatted at some length about world politics and fashion of all things.

‘She was surprisingly well versed in both matters for a young female and I have to admit I was rather impressed by the child’s vivacious intellect.

‘I don’t know what became of her mind you.

‘Probably never made much of herself and drifted into a life of frivolity and anonymity like the rest of these young scamps nowadays.

‘Do you know, I’m damned if I can remember the gal’s name!

‘Ah yes, I have it! Elizabeth something or other.’

He sighed a deep sigh, took a series of sonorous puffs on a large Cuban cigar and began to stare once more towards the gothic edifice of The Palace of Westminster.

I took this as my cue to depart, so I bade the old gent farewell and walked off towards Victoria Street.

The early Autumn rain weeping from an iron grey sky over nearby Westminster Abbey seemed to encapsulate my mood as I shouldered my way through the gathering crowd of people shuffling past The Abbey’s iron railings, no doubt en route to The Palace to say their own goodbyes to the great lady.

The Queen is dead

Long live The King!

I’ll use my big face to absorb Britain’s sewage, vows Olly Murs.

Olly - Copy

Big-faced pop icon, Olly Murs, has told a Whelk reporter that he intends to soak up any excess sewage through the pores of the skin on his huge dial to prevent excrement being allowed to flow into Britain’s waterways as a number of Conservative MPs have proposed.

Murs, 83, told us: ‘When I heard that the Tories were hellbent on pumping raw effluent into our rivers I knew I couldn’t sit idly by.

‘I intend to lie alongside any sewage outfall pipe that’s in the process of polluting our waterways with raw piss and rockets and absorb the lot through the pores on my gigantic fizzog.

‘I’ve been advised that I might suffer from stomach upsets as a result but I can remedy that by having a good clearout and then racing down to the nearest stream to soak it up again in the event that my loose stools get pumped out by the local water board’

Murs initiative comes just a week after pop entrepreneur, Simon Cowell, gave a pair of his ridiculous, high-waisted trousers to Thames Water to use as temporary foul water conduits until the new, Tideway sewage pumping project is complete in 2024.

Pensioners Should ‘Copulate Furiously’ to Avoid Winter Chill, Says Rees-Mogg

Jacob speaking latin

Controversial parliamentarian, Jacob Rees-Mogg, attracted cross-party criticism yesterday when he advised Britain’s elderly, who may be worried about soaring heating bills this coming winter, to engage in vigorous sex to stave off the cold if their inability to pay results in their supply being cut off.

Speaking to The Times newspaper, Rees-Mogg, said: ‘When I was a schoolboy at Eton it used to get pretty chilly during the winter months I don’t mind telling you. Even roasting one of the new boys in front of a bunsen burner failed to ward off the winter chill.

‘At times like this, we older chaps used to hop into bed, sometimes five or six at a time, and roger each other until our circulation returned.

‘If it was good enough for us back then, I fail to see why our old folk can’t adopt a similar initiative and copulate furiously instead of complaining and constantly blaming the government and the energy companies every five minutes.

‘These ingrates should be thankful they are now living in Brexit Britain and are no longer under the oppressive yoke of a Soviet-style European Union.

‘During the last war, we had the Dig For Britain initiative, so why not a ‘Shag Until You Can Feel Your Toes’ one now?’

Rees-Mogg requested that his fee for the interview be donated to the Save The CEO Fund For Distressed Captains of Industry

London Braced for ‘Burny Bastard, Doom Heat, Baby-Boiling, Above Average Temperature, Death Heatwave of Despair.

sun

The Met Office have issued a Red Warning for extremely high temperatures in London and The South East on Monday and Tuesday as the current heatwave continues apace.

In what the weathermen have dubbed, The ‘Burny Bastard, Doom Heat, Baby-Boiling, Above Average Temperature, Death Heatwave of Despair, the mercury is set to climb to 40 degrees Celcius for the first time since records began.

BBC weatherman, Bill Giles, 97, said last night: The Burny Bastard is set to begin on Monday morning and then to clear away late Tuesday evening.

‘Old people and young children are particularly vulnerable and will explode immediately if they venture outside.

‘We advise people to stay home if possible, draw all the curtains, close windows on the sunny side of the house, turn on a fan if you have one and prepare to burn to death from the inside as your blood starts to simmer and then boil in your veins.

‘Also, keep plenty of strong ale and spirits in the fridge so that you can remain cool and cheerful while you wait for the expected respite on Tuesday if you manage to survive that is.

‘We also advise people not to have sex during the Burny Bastard, which will come as a blessed relief to my wife and also the wife of Bernie Eccleston’

This latest warning comes six months after Scotland was in the grip of, The Thunder Bastard, Killer Snow, Child Crusher, Hell Blizzard of Doom, which resulted in Siberian conditions, causing a number of Scots to put on slightly warmer vests to go out to the shops in for the first time in living memory.

KIDDIEZ KORNER

pooh boris quits

Apologies for the industrial language in the above. I think he may have been drinking. – Ed

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