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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

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‘Stand-offish’ Meghan refuses to allow newsmen to listen while she goes to the bathroom

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No royal wee: A defiant Meghan pictured last night

The Duchess of Sussex attracted more press criticism yesterday after she requested privacy when she goes to the toilet.

Under-fire, Meghan, was slammed by journalists who were refused permission to listen at the door while she went to the bathroom.

A spokesman for The Financial Times, one of the newspapers concerned, said last night. “This is the type of stand-offish behaviour that attracts criticism and puts all black Americans in a bad light

“We never had this problem with Princess Diana, who was more than happy to invite the media to listen to her on the toilet.

“She would even leave the door open on occasion so we could take a few shots of her pulling her knickers up for the gossip columns”

The Duchess’s press office issued a statement last night “The Duchess has requested that the press afford her some privacy while she goes to the bathroom.

“She feels that it would be undignified for her toilet noises to be made public, particularly now that she’s a mother.”

Meghan’s stance mirrors that of The Queen Mother, who, in 1953, barred newsmen from hiding behind the curtains during her sex romps with King George VI and their Red Setter.

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Boris Calls For Return of Public Hanging

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“Hang some sense into ’em!” Boris pictured campaigning in Surrey last night

In what is being seen as a bid to upstage his fellow prime ministerial hopeful, Jeremy Hunt, Boris Johnson yesterday told a local Conservative Party association that one of the first things he would do as PM would be to reintroduce public hanging.

Speaking in Dorking in Surrey, Johnson told members: “Public hanging is part of our urban culture and heritage and the sooner it’s back on the statute books the better.

“I would move to have the initial hangings carried out outside The Old Bailey, like they used to be in the good old days, with a view to building a public gallows in every major city in the land.

“Revenue would be raised by selling tickets to these events with special discounts for those in the upper tax brackets”

Hunt, who yesterday said he would move to bring back foxhunting, responded by vowing to implement a return to sending little boys up chimneys and to reintroduce keelhauling and the lash as punishments for sodomy in The Royal Navy

I’ll stop bodies falling from aircraft over Britain with my big face says Olly Murs

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Following yesterday’s tragic incident when a stowaway on a Kenya Airlines aircraft fell into the back garden of a sunbather in Clapham, South London, pop icon Olly Murs has offered to use his huge face to prevent his fellow Brits from being killed or injured by falling illegals.

Murs plans to have helium-filled blimps attached to his wrists and ankles so that he hovers a few hundred feet above the ground’

Once in position, his big round face, which has a surface area of 91 kilometres, will act as a ‘safety net’ to catch any falling foreigners hoping to come over here to scrounge off the welfare state.

Murs himself was unavailable for comment last night as he is currently on tour in Croatia, but his mother, Violet, 108, told newsmen: “When Olly heard about the falling immigrant, he immediately offered his services to the government.

“Hopefully, his gigantic dial will do the trick and will protect any Britsh people from being harmed by illegals.

“Although, personally, I’m with Mr Farage and would like to shoot the bloody lot of them”

In related news, pop entrepreneur, Simon Cowell, has also offered to help with the problem by catching any falling foreigners in a pair of his gigantic, hi-waistbanded trousers.

Boris Johnson was perfect gentleman during our night of bare-faced lying and hard-right ideology says, Sarah Sanders

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Sanders strongly denies any contact with Johnson’s Johnson

Ex-Whitehouse press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, last night appeared to fly to the defence of beleaguered British prime ministerial hopeful, Boris Johnson, when she told newsmen, that during a late night discussion on far-right politics last year, Johnson’s behaviour towards her was impeccable

Sanders, 36, told assembled reporters, “Boris and I met at my New York apartment at around 11.00 pm in June of last year, where we spent the evening churning out unsubstantiated lies and rumours about a number of left-leaning politicians, both here in the US and in the UK also.

“We also discussed extreme right-wing ideology and formulated possible schemes for surreptitiously introducing it into mainstream politics in both our countries

“During the entire time, Boris behaved like a perfect gentleman.

“At no stage did he give the impression that he would like to take things a little further, let alone try any inappropriate moves.

“We parted with a warm handshake at the door, although I did think he was going to kiss me on the cheek at one point.

“To be honest, I was a little disappointed as I was wearing a pair of black, lacy, open crotch knickers under my business suit just in case”

PC Ted Stupor: The drink-ravaged London Bobby you can trust

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Evenin’ all

Policing a sprawling and densely populated city like London can be an arduous, and sometimes, extremely perilous task.

Take last Tuesday for example

There were tens of thousands of anti- Donald Trump demonstrators marching from Trafalgar Square to Downing Street to protest the president’s state visit

At about 13.00, we received a shout that scuffles were taking place outside The Lord Moon On The Mall public house in Whitehall between protestors and a gang of pro-Trump supporters.

We arrived on the scene to be met with an ugly brawl and a number of casualties lying in the street.

Fortunately, the guvnor of the pub hadn’t closed the doors, so while my colleagues waded in with their truncheons, I went to the bar and drank steadily for 3 hours until I spewed my guts up over the barmaid.

Evenin’ all

Ted Stupor is vice chairman of The Dangerously Enlarged Liver Society

Slow-walking woman in supermarket a real piece of crap: Local man’s snap judgement

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A supermarket, clearly not in inner-city London pictured last night

A woman who walked slowly in front of a 42-year-old Whitechapel man in his local supermarket was a real piece of crap according to a snap judgement he made at the time

Toby Dell from Commercial Street, told us last night: “This woman entered the store at the same time as me and I realised at once she was going to be a real problem.

“She began walking slowly in front of me with her trolley angled so that I couldn’t get past.

“When she finally stopped to choose some loose bananas, I managed to squeeze past, only to find this bitch had once again overtaken me while I was putting some Greek yoghurt and cottage cheese in my trolley at the cold section

The piece of human garbage then started crawling along at a snail’s pace in front of me once again, occasionally stopping to faff about endlessly while choosing an item from the shelves.

“It was at this point that I judged her to be a real piece of crap and somebody I would cheerfully empty a revolver into if I knew I wouldn’t go to jail for it”

Mr Dell’s assessment comes just two weeks after a 50-year-old woman from Shadwell told us, that, in her view, a man who held her up in the newsagent by counting out his small change on the counter was “a fucking arseole that should have been drowned in a bucket at birth”

EXTRA!

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The Whitechapel Whelk is now being given away free, along with the London Evening Standard, at all TFL rail and bus stations. We strongly refute recent allegations of overcharging – Ed

Local woman completely unaware she has given wood pigeon deep-vein thrombosis

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Endangered: Mrs Dell’s pigeon, ‘Elephant Jim’ pictured on its way out yesterday

A 72-year-old Whitechapel woman who has been feeding a wood pigeon with bacon scraps and fat, trimmed from meat joints for years is blissfully unaware that she is responsible for the creature’s chronic deep vein thrombosis or that she has increased its risk of having a heart attack or stroke by at least 400%.

Mrs Tracy Dell, a retired shop assistant, told The Whelk: “He loves his bacon does that bird and he visits my garden special to get it.

“He loves a bit of fat from the Sunday joint too. Lamb’s his favourite. It greases his lungs and keeps him regular”.

When we pointed out that the bird had already lost a leg due to a thrombosis-based issue that she was the root cause of, and that the high-fat diet she was exposing it to would increase its risk of a coronary episode a hundredfold, Mrs Dell became defensive and pooh-poohed the idea

“I used to give my husband Toby a very high-fat diet and he lived until he was almost 39” she explained.

WORLD NEWS

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You’ve been a wonderful audience. Try the veal. -Ed

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