Search

The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

Category

Current Affairs

Olympics to be paused if sufficient Americans want to go for a shit

tokyo2021crop

There was consternation among worldwide viewers of the Olympic Games last night as the IOC governing body announced that The Games, already scheduled to pander to American TV audiences, would be halted for short periods if sufficient Americans were using a specifically designed app, indicating that they were going to leave the room to have a bowel movement.

In a statement issued last night, the IOC stipulated: “If we receive data, indicating that more than five per cent of viewers in The United States need to go to the bathroom for an extended period we will halt the Games immediately until all or most of them have finished.

“It will mean that swimmers must stop and do the doggy paddle for a bit, while footballers, hockey players etcetera will have to sit down on the pitch until most of the Americans have indicated via the app that are back in front of their tellys.

“Exceptions will be made for pole vaulters, if they have already started going up, and for boxers, if they are in the process of falling over following a knockout punch.

“Runners will have to pull up and wait at the side of the track, or in the case of the Marathon, they can have a rest at the side of the road or go in someone’s house for a bit of a sit-down or even to have a shit themselves.

“However, Americans needing to have a quick piss or to just grab a beer from the fridge will not be catered for. They will just have to press pause and fast forward through the boring bits like the rest of the world has to.

“We will also be asking them to keep disruption to a minimum by trying to have a good clear out before the day’s event begin and to refrain from their customary practice of throwing huge quantities of bowel-busting fast food down their greedy fat necks every five minutes.”

Queen prefers Russian national anthem to ours, says Palace insider

Queen Elizabeth II took savage swipe at Vladimir Putin during visit | Royal  | News | Express.co.uk

Anthem envy. Her Majesty is not amused as President Putin hums along to Russian anthem during 2007 state visit

According to a royal insider, Her Majesty, The Queen is an avid fan of the Russian national anthem, formerly the anthem of The Soviet Union, and has been in talks with the government to have it adopted as the anthem of Great Britain and Northern Ireland in place of, God Save The Queen, that Her Majesty has often described to friends and family as ‘A bloody awful dirge’

The Queen, apparently considers the Russian anthem, Госудáрственный гимн Росси́йской Федерáции, ‘nice and catchy’ and has been seen at international events, including, the soccer World Cup and the Olympics, humming and tapping her foot whenever it is played.

It is widely believed that The Queen has always hated the British anthem and has stubbornly refused to learn the words, citing the fact that she never has to sing it herself.

A spokesman at the Russian Embassy in London told us: “We don’t blame The Queen for disliking her own national anthem. It’s far too slow and downbeat and the lyrics are an absolute joke, apart from the bit about scattering your enemies, which we’re all in favour of.

“I doubt if President Putin would let her use ours though. He’s very proud of it and often sings it in the bathroom after Russia has been involved in provocative behaviour internationally, like sending fighter jets into NATO airspace and stuff like that”

The Queen’s father, King George VI, was also believed to have harboured an intense dislike of the anthem and was once seen mouthing the words: “Oh for fuck’s sake, not this again” as the band struck up the opening bars during a state visit to The Virgin Islands in 1946.

‘Desperate for love’ local woman had torrid affair with robot vacuum cleaner

neato_botvac_d7_connected_main

A 47-year-old Whitechapel woman who had a passionate love tryst with her robot vacuum cleaner has told The Whelk that she was desperate for love and that the six weeks the two spent together was the most wonderful time of her life.

Tracy Dell, a housewife and mother of three, told us: “My husband has never been a very loving person throughout our marriage.

“He’s nice enough and doesn’t drink or go with other women but he’s just so cold emotionally.

“As the years went by I became more and more desperate for real love.

“So when I realised I was falling for our robot vacuum cleaner I seized the opportunity with both hands and decided to let my heart rule my head.

“We would sieze stolen moments together at every opportunity when my husband wasn’t around.

“The best times were when he was upstairs asleep and I would creep downstairs and have sex with the appliance in the cupboard under the stairs.

“It was truly wonderful and seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

“It ended just a month ago when I was doing the carpets on the hall, stairs and landing and the motor burnt out.

“I realise I’ll never know love like it again but my memories of our time together will never fade no matter what.”

Mrs Dell’s husband, Toby 54, told us: “I suspected something untoward was going on between my missus and that Hoover when I used to hear her in the hall cupboard, moaning and gasping but I just thought she was struggling to get the clips off the dust bag before emptying it into the bin”

COVID UPDATE: ‘Desperate’ World Health Boffins Turn to Know-Nothing WordPress Ponce

tinfoil twat

The beleaguered World Health Organisation have sought advice on battling the covid-19 health emergency from an opinionated, know-nothing ponce with a WordPress blog who regularly regales his meagre readership with unsubstantiated tripe about vaccine efficacy, anti-lockdown initiatives and the role of Bill Gates in turning vaccinated people into magnetised automatons with the capability to pick up Bluetooth.

A WHO spokesman told newsmen last night: “We are extremely concerned by the various strains of coronavirus that seem to be mutating into ever-more virulent manifestations.

“With our scientists at a loss and our medical experts at their lowest ebb, we have decided to ask for help from a feeble-minded, conspiracy fucknut from WordPress.

“Hopefully, he’ll be able to put us straight on the futility of deploying a vaccine programme worldwide and steer us onto a more clear-headed path that probably involves Tom Hanks, Covid-19 5G transmitters and mass bleach-drinking rallies across the globe.”

This latest volte-face comes just a week after Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, issued a directive, urging Brits to push homoeopathic capsules containing grass cuttings up each other’s bottoms if they start losing their sense of taste and smell as previously suggested by somebody’s Aunty Beryl on Facebook.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Vaccine sceptics. Take the vaccine, behave in a sensible and responsible manner towards others and shut the fuck up.

Harry and Meghan’s newborn has 1 in 100 chance of becoming a crazed axe-murderer, says Daily Mail

harry and m.jpg.gallery.jpg.gallery
Have they bred a monster? Harry and Meghan striking a demonic pose for snappers earlier

In a shocking and hard-hitting editorial yesterday, the Daily Mail newspaper has revealed that the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s latest child has a one in a hundred chance of becoming a psychotic monster, that will at some point run amok with an axe, slaughtering every living creature in its path.

In its editorial yesterday, The Mail pointed to largely discredited statistics provided by a controversial American psychiatrist in 1953 which vaguely suggest that one per cent of the world’s population may display psychopathic tendencies on occasion.

Despite worldwide scepticism and condemnation of the findings by psychiatric bodies worldwide, The Mail points out: “This study is spot-on as far as we are concerned and the British public need to be aware that The Sussexes have potentially unleashed a killer onto the streets of this nation.

“Make no mistake, this mixed-race child is a massive threat to innocent, and still, largely-white, members of the public and we wouldn’t be at all surprised if this dusky-complexioned progeny of an unnatural marriage doesn’t embark on a crazed trail of bloody destruction armed with an axe at some point.

“We know for a fact, for instance, that The Queen is so alarmed by the prospect of being slashed and then slaughtered by this, black-as-the-ace-of-spades baby when it grows up, she has called for a special cage to be built inside Buckingham Palace so that the negroid-featured child can be restrained when it comes over for a visit with its darkie mother – when she can drag herself away from Marxist, BLM rallies and fried chicken-eating competitions that is”

In today’s leader, The Mail speculates on, what they see as, the increasing likelihood of both of William and Kate’s ‘reassuringly caucasian’ youngsters becoming living saints that will be borne unto Heaven by pink-cheeked, Aryan cherubim and seraphim at some point.

Syrian villagers send sympathy message to Brits unable to go on holiday.

syrian_civil_war
A Bermondsey man comforts a distraught neighbour who has just learned that Torremolinos has been moved into the red zone.

A remote village in war-torn Syria has sent a message of support and sympathy to the people of Great Britain who find themselves unable to enjoy a fortnight’s holiday on a sunny beach this year due to the covid-19 health emergency.

Asawi al Hab, a small village on the border with Lebanon, has been shelled and attacked by government forces, backed by Russian airpower, five times during the last six months, killing or injuring more than half of the population.

Speaking to our foreign correspondent, a doctor in a local hospital, said: “It’s been pretty terrible here for a number of years now.

“Until fairly recently, we were under the brutal rule of Islamic State, and then after they were driven out, our own government started bombing us. It’s hard to say what was worse really.

“So when we heard through the BBC World Service that a number of British people wouldn’t be able to jet off to Benidorm and places like that, we couldn’t just stand by and do nothing.

“Our mayor has written to the British Foreign Secretary, asking him to put Portugal back in the green zone and for countries like Malta, who have a very low infection rate, to be considered for the green list also.

“We are also offering free accommodation for any Brits who want to spend a week or two in our country.

“Of course, there’s a pretty good chance you’ll be shelled on a daily basis by Assad’s forces or strafed by Russian fighter jets but at least the weather’s good at this time of year and you’ll go home with a healthy tan, if you manage to make it back that is”

A spokesman for The Foreign and Commonwealth Office told us: “We don’t recommend a holiday in Syria at this time, unless you’re pretty elderly or have an underlying health condition which could result in your body being amongst those piled high in the streets during the third wave”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Get a fucking grip you selfish Brit bastards.

COVID UPDATE: Yorkshire variant causes spate of overfamiliarity with strangers and thrift with money

yorkshire
A suspected Yorkshire covid victim pictured leaving his doctor’s surgery last night

The so-called, Yorkshire variant of covid-19 that has recently emerged in Yorkshire and Humberside, with around 50 cases thus far identified, may have spread to the south of the country, in particular East London, where a number of people have been behaving in an overly familiar manner with complete strangers as well as becoming extremely careful with money – all tell-tale traits of the new variant.

We spoke to one woman from Whitechapel in the heart of London’s East End who suspects that her husband contracted the new strain during a visit to Sheffield in his capacity as a lorry driver.

Tracy Dell, 52, told us: “I first suspected my husband, Toby, has this Yorkshire covid when he started chatting in a friendly manner with complete strangers while we were waiting for the bus.

“He’s now started being really tight with money and keeps shouting, ‘How much?’ when I tell him the price of items I’ve bought in the supermarket.

“I became convinced he’d got it when he started taking an interest in Rugby League and went out and bought a ferret which he puts down his trousers when we’ve got company”

It is understood that another behavioural trait of the new variant is for sufferers to wander into urban farms to feed the animals and examine them for ailments. A practice known as, ‘tendin’ t’ beasts’

Fears are also growing of a so-called Cockney variant which induces criminal behaviour, including; running protection rackets; revenge killing; used car fraud; loud-mouthed shouting in street markets and a voracious appetite for jellied eels.

Right-Wing Couple Engage In Race War Following African Link Revelation

mike and shirley
Steeden and Blamey in happier times before finding out that they both had a touch of the tar brush

An extreme right-wing couple have been attacking each other with racist slurs since discovering that all of mankind can trace its roots back to the African continent.

Mike Steeden, 80, and his 40-year-old partner, Shirley Blamey, have been locked in a bitter race war since reading about man’s links to Africa in The Guardian newspaper.

The pair, have been racially abusing one another online and have even been taunting one another with monkey chants when one of them enters a room.

Steeden, a retired caretaker from Kentish Town in West London, told us: “We used to get on like a house on fire before I found out she was basically as black as the ace of spades.

“Now, I avoid being in the same room and don’t allow her to cook dinner in case she puts poison in the yams or flobs in the curry goat with rice and peas.

“Prior to reading that piece in the paper, I’d had no inkling that she was a bloody foreigner, much less, a damn wog.

“Now, I’m taking steps to have her joint tenancy agreement revoked so I can throw her out.

“Let her go and live in Brixton or Hoxton with her own kind”

Ms Blamey refused to be interviewed but we understand that she has starting daubing racist graffiti on Steeden’s car and has told friends that she had suspected something was not quite right when she noticed he was fairly good at basketball and dancing.

A notice has now gone up in the window of the boarding house they run in Southend in Essex: ‘NO DOGS, NO IRISH, NO BLACKS, NO US.’

EDITOR’S NOTE: Mike and Shirley are both dear friends of mine and I’m absolutely certain they won’t take exception to being portrayed as facist lunatics. In fact…BLAM!…*thud*

CRY GOD FOR HARRY, ENGLAND, AND…BUT WAIT!

st george meme

The quintessentially English editorial staff writers on The Whelk would like to wish all our fellow countrymen who share our French, German, and Italian bloodline with a little bit of Danish thrown in for good measure, a very Happy St Georges Day.

Huzzah for him and for our pure and unsullied lineage…HUZZAH! -Ed

PS. Anthropologists have discovered that everybody originally came from Africa which must have come as a bitter blow to Donald Trump and Jacob Rees Mogg

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑