Current Affairs

PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

PC Ted (New)

Evenin’ all.

Policing a sprawling, multi-cultural city like London during a pandemic can be a tough and pretty exacting job at times.

Take last Saturday for example. Our team were deployed to Trafalgar Square where a bunch of anti-mask headbangers were staging a demo, defending their right to give their fellow human beings a killer disease by not wearing a face covering when popping into Greggs for a sausage roll.

These fruit loops were causing a major disturbance, harassing innocent members of the public and interfering with traffic flow, so we were deployed to break up the demo and restore order.

When we arrived on the scene, things immediately turned nasty and we started getting pelted with bottles and other missiles.

A decision was quickly made to steam in and feel a few collars, so the lads drew batons and started piling into these chumps a bit lively.

Fortunately, at this point I noticed that The Moon On The Mall boozer in Whitehall was open, so while the lads broke a few heads I dived in and spent the next three hours drinking heavily at the bar until I collapsed in the gents’ toilet in a pool of my own piss and sick.

Evenin’ all.

PC Ted is vice-chairman of The British Chronic Liver Disease and Projectile Vomiting Foundation

Politics in Brief: Trump and Pence to woo voters with Duelling Banjos

Jared Kushner pictured last night

The White House press office has announced that President Donald Trump, and his Vice President, Mike Pence, will go on the campaign trail in the run-up to the November election with a performance of the grammy-winning duet, Duelling Banjos.

A press spokesman told newsmen last night: “The President and Vice-President are both huge fans of the movie, Deliverance, particularly the Duelling Banjos scene, and have decided to replicate it at rallies over the coming weeks to keep the crowds entertained, and, in particular, the sizeable inbred contingent’

A White House insider last night revealed that, while the vice-president has pretty much nailed the piece almost in its entirety after a few day’s intensive tuition, President Trump has been less adept at mastering his instrument and keeps trying to play it by putting the machine head in his mouth and blowing.

More as we get it.

Local man falls in love with suction hook


A 54-year-old man has told The Whitechapel Whelk that he has fallen deeply in love with a small green suction hook in his kitchen and that he won’t rest until he has made the item his for all eternity.

Toby Dell, a carpet-fitter from Dock Street, told us: “As soon as I laid eyes on that hook I was in its spell

I know it sounds crazy but I fell and I fell hard. It made me feel like no other household item has ever done before.

“Its lime-coloured plastic coating and the subtle curve of its suction base set my senses on fire, sending pulses of hot blood racing through my body.

“When my wife stuck it to the tiles behind the kitchen sink and hung the dishcloth on it, I almost lost control.

“The overwhelming desire to fondle myself while running my hands over its body was so intense that I almost passed out.

“When my wife went upstairs to put the washing in the airing cupboard, I seized my chance

” I tore off my clothes and pressed my lips to its beautiful, moulded plastic body, my tongue lapping hungrily at its curves

“I then spent as I have never spent before, my whole body shaking under the force of my shattering climax.

“It seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

“I now intend to remove it from the tiles and take it with me to somewhere we will never be found.

“I want to spend the rest of my life with that hook in my arms and woe betide anyone who tries to stop me”

In other related news, a woman from neighbouring Poplar has left family and friends devastated after running off to Prague with a tea-strainer.

I’ll masturbate every UK man and woman that beats covid, vows Bake-Off’s Mary Berry


In a surprise announcement last night, Great British Bake-Off legend, Mary Berry, told newsmen, that in a bid to encourage covid-19 patients to recover in full, she will personally masturbate every British man and woman to completion if they beat the killer virus.

Speaking from outside her home in Surrey, Mary, 108, said: “If by offering a free hand shandy to people who have been laid low by this dreadful illness I am helping them on the road to recovery then it’s the least I can do.

“Although I might be past my prime in the hand relief arena, I’m still very strong in the wrists due to all the whisking and cake mixture-beating I do and feel more than able to ensure that every recovered patient blows his or her custard.

“In the event that I do get tired, I’ve invested in one of those Fleshlight artificial growler devices for the men and a Black Mamba Bully Boy Ribbed Arouser for the ladies”.

It is estimated, that if Mary does complete her task, she will expel roughly one thousand imperial gallons of spadge and almost double that amount in scalding fanny batter.

Reuters News Agency

Concerns grow as hundreds of Trump supporters are poached for their hides


The Whitechapel Whelk has learned that hundreds of Donald Trump supporters in some of the southern states of America have been killed by hunters who have then skinned them and sold their hides on the internet.

The pelts can fetch up to $12 each on the black market and are famed for their thickness, their blotchy redness around the neck area, and all-weather durability.

Many end up as car seat covers, or, in the case of extremely large pelts, as builders’ tarpaulins, which can be used to cover piles of bricks or open cement bags overnight.

A White House spokesperson told us last night: “This disgusting trade in President Trump’s supporters has to stop. It’s bad enough that our popularity is dropping off alarmingly without these unscrupulous people preying on what remains of our support.

“I wouldn’t mind, but we didn’t have that many to start with. You only have to look at the poor turnout for the inauguration to see that”

Fears are now growing, that if something isn’t done to stop the growing trade in Trump supporter hides, the creatures could go on the endangered species list along with the white rhino and also Whitechapel car mechanics, who are highly prized by housewives across the world who use their stuffed penises as rolling pins.

Putin’s daughter turns into manatee following covid vaccine trial

Yekaterina poses for snappers at her holiday home

In a major setback to the much-vaunted, nationwide rolling out of a coronavirus vaccine in Russia, it has been reported that the daughter of President Vladimir Putin, Yekaterina, who took part in the trial programme for the so-called, Sputnik-5 vaccine, has become a manatee.

A spokesman for the Kremlin told Russian media: “While it is true that President Putin’s daughter has now become a manatee it is unclear if the coronavirus vaccine was a factor.

“Admittedly, some of the other people involved in the trial programme have also turned into large, marine mammals but that could be sheer coincidence and anti-Russian, western speculation”

It is believed that Putin’s daughter was found drifting around in the pool at the President’s holiday home on the coast of Georgia on Tuesday evening and was identified by her, ‘Vlad’s My Dad’ knickers.

Queen on Meghan: I miss our boiled eggs with soldiers, breakfasts in bed

Brekkie buddies: The Queen and Meghan pictured before The Duchess cleared off back to America

Her Majesty The Queen yesterday revealed in a BBC documentary that she often enjoyed having breakfast in bed with The Duchess of Sussex, Meghan Markle, and that she misses it dreadfully.

Speaking to documentary-maker, Louis Theroux, a clearly wistful Queen said: “Meghan would often pop down in the morning and climb into bed with me for a snuggle.

“We’d chat about life as a royal, its trials and tribulations and all manner of other things.

“Meghan was a big football fan who supported West Ham United and would often get a little tearful when the footman bought in the papers and she read about her beloved Hammers suffering another heavy defeat.

“I’m a Chelsea fan personally so I couldn’t have cared less, to be honest.

“We’d chat for a while and then breakfast would be served and we’d have it in bed, playfully dipping our soldiers in each other’s eggs and generally having a good laugh.

“Sometimes, Harry would come in looking for her and start moaning about having to breakfast alone but after he’d gone we’d start giggling because we both knew he had the face on over not getting his morning leg-over.

“I miss our times together and wish she’d make her peace with the family and come back.

“Kate’s very nice but she’s a bit strait-laced, to be honest.

“I did ask her if she’d care to join me for breakfast in bed on occasion but she made excuses and generally shied away from the idea.

“I think she suspected my motives and thought I could be a lezzer and might start muff-diving her under the covers”

Her Majesty’s surprise revelations come just a month after Prince Philip told Esquire magazine that he regularly had midnight feasts and nude pillow fights with Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, when she lived at Buckingham Palace with Prince Andrew in the 90s.


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We apologise for the lack of a TV guide with today’s issue. We are fairly certain the dog ate it or something along those lines – Ed

Trump sends handwritten commiserations card to Yorkshire Ripper

Sutcliffe pictured during happier times when he was roaming Yorkshire, murdering women

In a bizarre follow-up to his recent goodwill message to the British-born socialite, Ghislaine Maxwell, who is currently in custody awaiting trial for procuring underage girls for her paedophile associate, the late Jeffrey Epstein, President Donald Trump has sent a handwritten card to imprisoned mass murderer, Peter Sutcliffe aka The Yorkshire Ripper, expressing his sympathy for Sutcliffe’s long incarceration and wishing him all the best for the future.

Defending his actions to newsmen last night, Trump explained: “Listen, I know the guy killed a few hookers with a hammer but who knows what kind of pressure he was under.

“Everybody needs to let off a little steam and this guy’s no exception.

“To toss the guy into the can like that is excessive in my view. I mean it’s not like he used a private email server for official business, is it?

“I wish him well and if I could get him off the hook like I did with Roger Stone I would do it, no question.

“Maybe I could have a word with Boris. He’s a reasonable guy and could probably use the dough I’ll be offering”.

This latest move by the president comes just two weeks after he sent mass child killer, Beverly Allitt, dubbed, ‘The Angel of Death’, a box of Ferrero Rocher chocs and a bunch of carnations for her birthday in Rampton Secure Hospital for the criminally insane.

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