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Biden: I’ll make Whitechapel the mouth organ capital of the world

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In a surprise announcement last night, President-elect Joe Biden, pledged to make the London District of Whitechapel the mouth organ-playing capital of the world.

Speaking to reporters in Wilmington Delaware, Biden said: “Following the complete chaos of the Trump presidency, I feel it is time to restore faith in the United States on the world stage

“A time to heal the divide that now exists between our great country and our overseas neighbours.

“So what better way to build bridges and to restore the respect for America that has been tragically lost during the last four years than to make Whitechapel the mouth organ capital of the entire world.

“The Treasury Secretary has agreed to invest four billion dollars in the project initially, with a rolling annual donation of a further one billion starting this March.

“Every man, woman and child will be provided with a mouth organ in a faux leather pouch with a genuine microfibre cloth to keep it shiny and free from finger-marks

“Lessons will be mandatory and conducted every two hours by a specially-trained mouth organ maestro from one of our United States harmonica academies.

“This great country of ours will not rest until we have put Whitechapel at the very summit of human achievement when it comes to learning the mouth organ in a very short time.”

Whitechapel residents greeted the news with enthusiasm last night.

Toby Dell, a 54-year-old forklift truck engineer from Dean Street told a CNN reporter: “This is outstanding news and a massive boost to the whole of the neighbourhood.

“I knew things were going to look up when they got rid of the orange cretin but this is beyond my wildest dreams, to be honest.

“The wife and I have already started learning, If I Were The Marrying Kind, and, The Rose Of Tralee, in bed at night.

The last time a London district was given special attention by an overseas country was in 1968 when Belgium voted Bermondsey in south London as the place they would most like to bomb into the Stone Age.

Meghan killed Cambridge’s dog using power of suggestion, says Daily Mail

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In a hard-hitting editorial, The Daily Mail newspaper has accused Meghan Markle of using the power of suggestion to kill the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s nine-year-old cocker spaniel, Lupo, (picture above) who passed away at the weekend.

The Mail’s leader claims that Markle willed the dog to die during a cocaine and booze-fulled sex romp with friends and family on Saturday night:

“Meghan has never liked that dog right from the word go and relished the chance to bring about its destruction through the power of suggestion while high on drink and drugs” the Mail claims

“We also think she may have caused Prince Archie to shit himself in the corner on his first day of school using the same method”

If proven, this will mirror the 1969 Daily Mirror revelation that Princess Margaret caused Prince Philip to experience erectile dysfunction every night while on his honeymoon with The Queen in 1947 using voodoo.

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Local woman found dead following shock-induced flatulence incident

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A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman was found hanged in her bathroom on Tuesday night following an incident in the street on Monday when she noisily broke wind in front of her new boyfriend who had surprised her by jumping out in front of her from a shop doorway in Commercial Street.

Tracy Carter, a beautician from Berner Street, had told friends that it was the most embarrassing day of her life and that she was struggling to come to terms with it.

The man concerned in the incident, Toby Dell, 25, a diesel-fitter from Mile End, told us: “I spotted Tracy walking past Spitalfields Market and decided to surprise her.

“I ducked into a doorway and jumped out in front of her when she drew level.

“She screamed and then unleashed this enormous, double-barrelled fart. It was a real rip-snorter and loads of people turned around and looked at her.

“I actually thought it was pretty funny but she got really upset and ran off down the street.

“The ironic part of it was, she actually let fly with a few minor squeakers when she took off.

“To be fair, it was the first time she’d ever done that in front of me, although, you can bet your bottom dollar she used to fart privately. That’s women all over in my view.

“She was a nice girl though and I’m pretty sorry she’s hanged herself, although, I have to say, I think she overreacted a bit”

This incident comes just two weeks after a 19-year-old girl threw herself into Wapping Dock and drowned after failing to flush a stubborn ‘submarine’ down the toilet at her new boyfriend’s flat in Silvertown.

BREAKING: Emboldened White House aide pulls down sleeping Trump’s eyelids to prevent bug-eyed lunatic look.

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A White House official, emboldened by the US election result, last night crept into The Oval Office, where President Donald Trump has been sleeping since the outcome became clear, and gently closed his eyelids in a bid to prevent the sleeping POTUS from freaking out fellow staffers who have complained that his habit of sleeping with his eyes open has unnerved them.

The unnamed aide told The Whelk: “He looks and sounds insane enough when he’s awake, so you can imagine what he looks like when he sleeps with his eyes open.

“He’s one crazy fuck and we all can’t wait until Joe and his wife move in on January 20th.

“I know that a number of my colleagues have been really freaked out by the way he sleeps.

“One lady told me that she entered the Oval Office to grab a file and he was asleep, flat on his back on the desk with his eyes wide open.

“As she was leaving, he farted loudly, sat bolt upright, tugged on his belt and yelled, ‘Daddy, is it that time again?”

“She said he looked like one crazy sonofabitch and she got the hell out real quick”

Trump is not the only Republican President to take his repose in the Oval Office.

In 2003, President George W Bush climbed on top of his desk and slept soundly for three hours while British Prime Minister, Tony Blair was explaining to him how he had found God.

Trump in bid to set up ‘New America’ on Olly Murs’ big face

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It is being widely reported that defeated US President, Donald Trump, is making plans to set up an election-free alternative America on the enormous face of Brit pop idol Olly Murs.

The leaked plan involves building a new White House, complete with golf course, on the northern reaches of Murs’ face, probably on his forehead which is estimated to consist of over thirty thousand square miles of largely undeveloped skin.

The middle part around the cheeks and nose will be predominantly industrial, with a largely blue-collar population, plus a Mexican contingent who will cut their lawns and take care of their children while they’re at work in the factories.

The upper lip and chin area will be turned into a new Deep South, where white people with appalling dental hygiene will have sex with their mums and dads while black people will pick cotton and compose Negro spirituals which the men will sing around the campfire at night while the womenfolk rub raw cane spirit into their whip injuries.

We contacted Murs last night who told us: “You must be joking. I’m not having that mad orange twat and his fascist mates setting up a dictatorship on my big face.

“In any case, Jeremy Corbyn has already moved two thousand of his loyalist supporters onto my forehead with a view to building a new Socialist Utopia where the workers can live free from the yoke of the capitalist hyenas without fear of exploitation by the boss classes or recrimination from the media when they’re having a go at the Jews”

More as we get it.

BREAKING: Whitechapel to be first to get covid vaccine, says WHO

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In what some are seeing as a surprise move, the World Health Organisation has announced that the people of the London Borough of Whitechapel will be the first to be offered the ground-breaking covid-19 vaccine once final safeguard checks have been carried out.

Speaking to newsmen yesterday, WHO Director-General, Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, said: “After due deliberations, we have decided to offer Whitechapel the vaccine first.

‘Initially, we were favouring a widespread roll-out in parts of the underdeveloped world suffering from severe outbreaks, but we changed our minds at the last minute. So Whitechapel it is”

It is understood that the London Borough of Bermondsey in South London was also at the forefront of areas under consideration, due to the fact that in the event of any adverse reaction which resulted in people becoming hideously misshapen or deformed nobody would notice any difference.

Now Trump’s gone, Bill Gates and I can drink children’s blood with no more fear, says Tom Hanks

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Hollywood superstar, Tom Hanks has expressed relief that Donald Trump has lost the race for the presidency, claiming that Trump’s tireless crusade to stop him drinking kidnapped children’s blood supplied by billionaire Microsoft magnate, Bill Gates, has caused him many sleepless nights throughout the last four years.

“President Trump has been a massive problem for both myself and Bill”, he told The Washington Post.

“Bill sends me regular consignments of blood which he personally syphons from kidnapped orphans that he keeps in tunnels beneath the streets of London.

“Thanks to him I manage to remain youthful-looking, which not only helps me to get roles that call for a man half my age but it also comes in mighty handy for getting next to the young pussy.

“The QAnon movement, led by Trump has really cramped our style with their tireless crusade to free orphan ass, but now that Joe is taking over we’ll be able to drink our fill and maybe even chow down on some tender, underage flesh too”

A spokesman for the Trump organisation said last night: “The President can’t comment right now. In fact, nobody even knows where’s he’s at.

“He was supposed to be at a Veteran’s With Bonespurs rally yesterday but both he and Airforce One are missing.

“Maybe he took off for a weekend of golf to remind himself of how things used to be when he was in office”

More as we get it.

BREAKING: Buckingham Palace deny ‘unseemly’ celebrations following US election outcome

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Due to the coronavirus pandemic, there will be no Saturday edition of The Whitechapel Whelk. This has nothing to do with the fact that we’re going to be on the lash in The Blind Beggar tonight, celebrating the cleansing of the shit stain that has fouled the Oval Office for the last four years. Oh no. That’s not going to be the case at all.

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