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The Whitechapel Whelk

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BBC win exclusive rights to live screen Gareth Southgate’s wife getting the kids their tea

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In what is being hailed as a major coup for the channel, the BBC last night announced that they have tabled a successful bid to screen England soccer boss Gareth Southgate’s wife preparing the children’s tea prior to matches in the forthcoming 2022 World Cup tournament in Qatar.

It is believed that they offered in excess of twenty-five pounds of licence payer’s money to live screen Mrs Southgate preparing the 5.00 pm meal.

She will be shown undertaking a number of tasks, which will include defrosting quick and easy meals for the kids like turkey twizzlers or frozen pizzas and putting them in the oven before pouring out their Vimto cold drinks to wash it down with.

A spokesman for the Beeb said last night: ‘We’re extremely excited about this project which will bring all the action live and direct from Mrs Southgate’s kitchen.

‘We’re hoping to use a number of our commentary team and studio analysts throughout the meal preparation, including, Gary Lineker, Roy Keane, and Mark Lawrenson, plus a token female that most men will baulk at and not take in the least bit seriously’

It is understood that the cameras will be switched off if any controversial incidents, such as food-throwing, swearing at the kids by Mrs Southgate or vomiting at the table take place as the action unfolds.

This announcement comes just a week after rivals, ITV, announced that they have made a successful bid to screen edited highlights of the England team bus driver checking his tyre pressures before setting off with the lads to the stadium.

Watching Rumpole Of The Bailey has turned Meghan and Harry into shape-shifting howler monkeys, says David Icke

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Harry and Meghan pictured opening a barber’s shop in Cripplegate, East London last night

Britain’s most prominent conspiracy theorist, David Icke, has told his followers that Prince Harry and his wife, Meghan Markle, have been transformed into Sumatran Howler Monkeys after watching a box set of the popular legal drama, Rumpole of The Bailey.

In a recent video clip on the Telegram social media platform, Icke states: “There can be no doubt whatsoever that Harry and Meghan now have the ability to shift shape at will and have become howler monkeys, and it’s all down to binge-watching, legal drama, Rumpole Of The Bailey

‘If you send me some money via my website I will give you the irrefutable proof, along with a first-hand account of how my son walked past their garden a few weeks ago and spotted them both sitting in the branches of a tree, eating bananas, picking fleas out of each other’s back hair and emitting occasional ear-splitting howls.

‘You have to send at least twenty quid though, otherwise, you’ll never get wise to their little game’

Icke’s shock claims come hot on the heels of a recent assertion by Britain’s Got Talent judge and self-proclaimed free-thinker, Amanda Holden, that Prince Edward and his wife, Sophie, are actually ‘Transfomer-like’ beings that can turn into mobile phone masts that emit killer 5G rays at the wanton behest of madcap billionaire, Bill Gates.

Britney welcomes Olly Murs as new big-faced conservator

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Pop princess, Britney Spears, last night announced that big-faced Brit singer and TV personality, Olly Murs, is to become her new conservator following her father’s recent relinquishing of the role.

Speaking to newsmen from outside her hotel in Manhatten, Spears said: “I’m delighted to tell you that Olly has agreed to become my new conservator and I look forward to having the big-faced Brit as my new mentor and guide.

“I’m particularly looking forward to going for long walks on his massive dial while he handles my financial affairs for a hefty fee.

“I’ve already arranged to have a party for a few hundred friends on his face and can’t wait to let my hair down on his gigantic forehead while he negotiates his percentage cut from my career royalties.”

Murs was unavailable for comment last night as he is currently touring a number of working men’s clubs in Sheffield but the Dance With Me star’s mother, Mildred, 97, told newsmen:

“Olly’s always been a massive Britney fan and can’t wait to make a few bob out of being her conservator while she takes it easy or parties on his massive face”

This latest announcement comes just a few days after troubled pop icon, Justin Bieber, revealed that he was going to spend six months recuperating from a series of drink and drug-fuelled benders inside pop entrepreneur Simon Cowell’s enormous, high-waisted trousers.

Ten thousand Afghan refugees to be housed on Olly Murs’ big face

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In a surprise announcement last night, the Foreign and Colonial Office has confirmed that up to ten thousand Afghans, fleeing the Taliban, will be offered temporary housing on the enormous face of pop icon, Olly Murs, after arriving in this country.

A government spokesperson told newsmen: “The government are determined to rescue as many British nationals as possible along with Afghans who have put their own safety at risk to help our troops during the last twenty years.

“We have therefore decided to build a number of temporary homes on Olly Murs’ big face with a view to housing up to ten thousand refugees until more permanent residences can be offered further down the line.

“It is the government’s aim to house five thousand on his massive spam forehead with the rest being located on other parts of his gigantic dial, including his nostrils and ears, where elderly and vulnerable people will be able to shelter from the more extreme weather over the coming months.”

The Dance With Me star was unable to comment last night as he’s currently on tour on the Isle Of Wight, but his mother, Marjory, 98, told newsmen: “I spoke to Olly last night and he’s more than happy to house these poor people on his massive clock and is looking forward to getting home and lying down in his back garden so that the builders can get cracking.”

Murs’ selfless actions were greeted enthusiastically last night, in particular by roly-poly TV host, Eamon Holmes, who, in 1972, housed over two thousand Ugandan Asians, fleeing the murderous despot, Idi Amin, on one of the cheeks of his gigantic, flabby arse.

Olympics to be paused if sufficient Americans want to go for a shit

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There was consternation among worldwide viewers of the Olympic Games last night as the IOC governing body announced that The Games, already scheduled to pander to American TV audiences, would be halted for short periods if sufficient Americans were using a specifically designed app, indicating that they were going to leave the room to have a bowel movement.

In a statement issued last night, the IOC stipulated: “If we receive data, indicating that more than five per cent of viewers in The United States need to go to the bathroom for an extended period we will halt the Games immediately until all or most of them have finished.

“It will mean that swimmers must stop and do the doggy paddle for a bit, while footballers, hockey players etcetera will have to sit down on the pitch until most of the Americans have indicated via the app that are back in front of their tellys.

“Exceptions will be made for pole vaulters, if they have already started going up, and for boxers, if they are in the process of falling over following a knockout punch.

“Runners will have to pull up and wait at the side of the track, or in the case of the Marathon, they can have a rest at the side of the road or go in someone’s house for a bit of a sit-down or even to have a shit themselves.

“However, Americans needing to have a quick piss or to just grab a beer from the fridge will not be catered for. They will just have to press pause and fast forward through the boring bits like the rest of the world has to.

“We will also be asking them to keep disruption to a minimum by trying to have a good clear out before the day’s event begin and to refrain from their customary practice of throwing huge quantities of bowel-busting fast food down their greedy fat necks every five minutes.”

Queen prefers Russian national anthem to ours, says Palace insider

Queen Elizabeth II took savage swipe at Vladimir Putin during visit | Royal  | News | Express.co.uk

Anthem envy. Her Majesty is not amused as President Putin hums along to Russian anthem during 2007 state visit

According to a royal insider, Her Majesty, The Queen is an avid fan of the Russian national anthem, formerly the anthem of The Soviet Union, and has been in talks with the government to have it adopted as the anthem of Great Britain and Northern Ireland in place of, God Save The Queen, that Her Majesty has often described to friends and family as ‘A bloody awful dirge’

The Queen, apparently considers the Russian anthem, Госудáрственный гимн Росси́йской Федерáции, ‘nice and catchy’ and has been seen at international events, including, the soccer World Cup and the Olympics, humming and tapping her foot whenever it is played.

It is widely believed that The Queen has always hated the British anthem and has stubbornly refused to learn the words, citing the fact that she never has to sing it herself.

A spokesman at the Russian Embassy in London told us: “We don’t blame The Queen for disliking her own national anthem. It’s far too slow and downbeat and the lyrics are an absolute joke, apart from the bit about scattering your enemies, which we’re all in favour of.

“I doubt if President Putin would let her use ours though. He’s very proud of it and often sings it in the bathroom after Russia has been involved in provocative behaviour internationally, like sending fighter jets into NATO airspace and stuff like that”

The Queen’s father, King George VI, was also believed to have harboured an intense dislike of the anthem and was once seen mouthing the words: “Oh for fuck’s sake, not this again” as the band struck up the opening bars during a state visit to The Virgin Islands in 1946.

‘Desperate for love’ local woman had torrid affair with robot vacuum cleaner

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A 47-year-old Whitechapel woman who had a passionate love tryst with her robot vacuum cleaner has told The Whelk that she was desperate for love and that the six weeks the two spent together was the most wonderful time of her life.

Tracy Dell, a housewife and mother of three, told us: “My husband has never been a very loving person throughout our marriage.

“He’s nice enough and doesn’t drink or go with other women but he’s just so cold emotionally.

“As the years went by I became more and more desperate for real love.

“So when I realised I was falling for our robot vacuum cleaner I seized the opportunity with both hands and decided to let my heart rule my head.

“We would sieze stolen moments together at every opportunity when my husband wasn’t around.

“The best times were when he was upstairs asleep and I would creep downstairs and have sex with the appliance in the cupboard under the stairs.

“It was truly wonderful and seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

“It ended just a month ago when I was doing the carpets on the hall, stairs and landing and the motor burnt out.

“I realise I’ll never know love like it again but my memories of our time together will never fade no matter what.”

Mrs Dell’s husband, Toby 54, told us: “I suspected something untoward was going on between my missus and that Hoover when I used to hear her in the hall cupboard, moaning and gasping but I just thought she was struggling to get the clips off the dust bag before emptying it into the bin”

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