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BREAKING: The Kraken awoke and devoured Norwegian trawler during Trump/Farage interview claim reports

kraken
The Kraken depicted chowing down on a hapless vessel in the olden days

Reports are coming in that the legendary sea monster, The Kraken, stirred and then awoke before devouring a Norwegian fishing vessel during last nights LBC radio conversation between, Brexit Party leader, Nigel Farage and US President, Donald Trump.

Speculation is rife that the sheer force of malevolence generated in the airwaves during their exchange may have caused the legendary colossus to wake from its 200-year slumber and emboldened the creature to wreak fresh destruction on passing mariners.

Farage strongly denied the allegation last night, dismissing it as ‘Bremoaner whingeing’, while Trump tweeted that he had ‘never heard of any Kraken’

In a subsequent tweet, the president speculated that he thought it may be, ‘a kind of Scandinavian crispbread’.

The last meeting between the two which took place at Trump Tower in 2017, resulted in a number of unconfirmed sightings of the sexually insane, Zoroastrian, demon, Aka Manah, drinking in a bar in downtown Manhatten.

BREAKING: Amazon rain forest to be replanted on Olly Murs’ big face

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The fire-ravaged Amazon rain forest is to be replanted on the enormous face of British pop icon, Olly Murs, it was announced last night.

A spokesman for the Brazilian government told a news conference in the capital, Brazilia: “We’ve decided to leave the present rain forest to burn and plant a new one on Olly Murs’s big face.

“We’ve spoken to Olly and he’s agreed to lie down alongside the old rain forest while a team of tree-planters move in and plant millions of saplings on his face.

“We estimate that by 2040, we’ll have at least three million square kilometres of new trees on his massive forehead with another two million or so on his chin.

“We’re going to leave the area around his eyebrows and that bit under his nose so that monkeys don’t cause him discomfort by having a shit in his eyes and mouth”

If successful, this project will rank as the most ambitious ecological rescue act since The Great Barrier Reef was protected from further pollution damage in 2012 by being completely covered with a pair of Simon Cowell’s gigantic, high-waisted trousers.

Queen punches out Meghan during heated late-night supper exchange

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Battling royal. The Queen pictured in combative mood just hours before she gave Meghan a clumping

A Buckingham Palace insider has told The Whelk that The Queen launched a frenzied, two-fisted attack on the Duchess of Sussex last weekend, during a furious row about Meghan’s recent remarks about becoming a member of the royal family in a BBC documentary.

The source told us that The Queen had been drinking heavily for most of the evening and seemed to be spoiling for a fight.

Her Majesty reportedly launched into a blistering verbal attack on Meghan during supper, calling her, ‘a colonial scumbag’ before raining down a series of blows on the startled Duchess who was knocked backwards in her chair, banging her head on an ornamental fireguard.

The Queen allegedly then tried to follow up by kicking the weeping Meghan in the head, but was dragged back by Princess Ann, who got her mother in a bear hug telling her to, “just leave it, she’s not worth it”

If true, this will be the second time that Her Majesty has allowed her fists to do the talking.

In 1986, she knocked out, Prince Andrew’s new bride, Sarah Ferguson, in a drunken exchange between the pair at the wedding reception, during which, she called the Duchess of York, a “fat slag” and, “an old ginger spunker”

POLITICS IN BRIEF: Prime Minister Johnson leaves 3 notes out for the milkman

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Following his controversial actions yesterday, when Prime Minister Boris Johnson sent two contradictory letters to the European Union and a further letter confirming the contradictory nature of the second, he has now muddied the waters on the domestic front by leaving out three notes for the milkman outside 10 Downing Street.

United Dairies milkman of 32-years, Toby Dell, told newsmen: “I was shocked when I saw what the PM had done.

“Instead of his usual request for one of those little bottles of orange juice on a Sunday, there were three notes.

“One asking for an extra bottle of gold top, one cancelling it, and a third from the Attorney General, stipulating that the first note was a pack of lies.

“I didn’t know where to turn, so I left a bottle of sterilised and a strawberry yoghurt before driving round to deliver at the Treasury”

A Downing Street spokesman said last night: “The Prime Minister doesn’t drink milk. He’s been having vintage Krug on his Rice Krispies since he was sent down from Eton in ’62”

You’ve largely ignored the newspaper. Now, you can give the book a wide berth too!

whelk front whelk back

Artful Dodger Publications are proud to give you the opportunity to baulk violently at the mere thought of parting with your hard-earned dough in order to come into possession of this utterly inane anthology of satirical dross.

It contains 140 poorly-written, unfunny skits and fake news items, as well as all the pitifully unamusing characters you’ve come to loathe down the years.

So, if you’re looking for a hilarious collection of cleverly conceived satirical writing to purchase as an early Christmas gift for a friend or loved one, I’d give this horrendous excuse for humour a very wide berth indeed if I were you -Ed.

PS. If you do buy it at the ridiculously low, bargain price of £9.99, then we thank you most sincerely and may your God go with you.

Here’s a linkypoo:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1700490486/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=whitechapel+whelk&qid=1571452502&sr=8-2

PPS. There’s also a Kindle edition in case you’re skint or just a bit tight with money:

 

Brexiteer Francois will be invisible to the naked eye in his seventies say anthropologists

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Francois pictured not standing in a ditch last night

A body of Britain’s leading anthropologists have calculated, that, pint-sized, right-wing MP, Mark Francois, will only be visible through a microscope when he reaches the age of seventy, due to the natural shrinkage that affects the elderly.

A spokesman for The British Society of Anthropology told newsmen: “According to our study findings, Mr Francois will be roughly the size of a single-cell organism when he hits seventy years of age.

“He will be visible with the aid of a microscope initially, but we anticipate that he will probably disappear altogether in his nineties and become one with the ether.

Staunch Brexiteer, Francois, who currently measures just over twenty-nine inches in his stockinged feet, dismissed the claims as ‘scaremongering’ last night.

“This report is palpable nonsense and wild speculation, probably instigated by lefty scientists who can’t deal with the fact that we’re leaving the EU”

He also angrily scotched recent rumours that he slipped through the grating of a storm drain in Whitehall last week and had to be pulled free by sewer workers using a bit of string tied under his armpits.

Prince Harry sues The ‘poorly edited, fake news’ Whitechapel Whelk

Following his recent announcements that he is to sue The Daily Mail, The Sun, and The Daily Mirror, Prince Harry has now served The Whitechapel Whelk with a writ, citing, poor editing, questionable sentence construction, laughable syntax, and the spreading of fake news.

It is believed that the Duke of Sussex was furious after the newspaper ran an editorial in which they spelt his wife, Meghan’s name wrongly, referring to her as Marvin, and made the claim that she was recently involved in a furious pub brawl with her sister-in-law, Kate Middleton.

The paper issued a short statement last night: “We can confirm that we have been contacted by Prince Harry’s legal advisors and issued with a writ.

“However we strongly refute the allegation that we have defamed Marvin Marbles and also the inference that our spelling may not be up two standerrd.”

In 1922, The Whelk were fined £5.6d in old money for publishing an upskirt photograph of Queen Victoria, taken from beneath the table while she was addressing the Privy Council.

Concerns grow as hundreds of Trump supporters are poached for their hides

 

The Whitechapel Whelk has learned that hundreds of Donald Trump supporters in some of the southern states of America have been killed by hunters who have then skinned them and sold their hides on the internet.

The pelts can fetch up to $12 each on the black market and are famed for their thickness, their blotchy redness around the neck area, and all-weather durability.

Many end up as car seat covers, or, in the case of extremely large pelts, as builders’ tarpaulins, which can be used to cover piles of bricks or open cement bags overnight.

A White House insider told us last night: “This disgusting trade in President Trump’s supporters has to stop. It’s bad enough that our popularity is dropping off alarmingly without these unscrupulous people preying on what remains of our support.

“I wouldn’t mind, but we didn’t have that many to start with. You only have to look at the poor turnout for the inauguration to see that”

Fears are now growing, that if something isn’t done to stop the growing trade in Trump supporter hides, the creatures could go on the endangered species list along with the white rhino, and also Whitechapel car mechanics, who are highly prized by housewives across the world who use their stuffed penises as rolling pins.

Whitechapel braces itself for Thunder Bastard Baby-Crusher Storm of Terror and Death

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Prepared. A wooden post braces itself in readiness as a local woman runs like merry f**k

The London district of Whitechapel is preparing to batten down the hatches as weathermen warn of a destructive Atlantic front, dubbed, The Thunder Bastard Baby-Crusher Storm of Terror and Death, which is predicted to wreak its full fury on the area during the early hours of tomorrow morning.

A Met Office spokesman told newsmen: “We expect the Thunder Bastard to hit the west coast at around 22.00.

“There will undoubtedly be widespread disruption to services along with structural damage to many unimportant areas like Cornwall and Gloucestershire before it reaches London shortly after midnight.

“We strongly advise all Londoners to wrap up warm in their best cashmere pyjamas and to ensure that emergency supplies of Prosecco and petit fours are on hand in case supply routes to their local Waitrose or delicatessen are affected in the days to follow.”

According to storm-tracking equipment, the Thunder Bastard will swing north later on in the day, reaching the Scottish border by late afternoon on Friday, causing millions of pounds worth of improvements across the entire region as it sweeps north towards Aberdeen.

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