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Londoner had fatal stroke following Northerner’s attempt to strike up conversation on bus

yorkshire

A 45-year-old London man was killed instantly by a fatal stroke yesterday when a man from the north of England tried to begin a conversation just moments after sitting down next to him on a Number 24 bus from Pimlico to Hampstead Heath

Witnesses say the northerner seemed to target the lone male who was on his way to work in Charing Cross when the incident occurred.

A woman on board at the time told us: “He just sat down next to this poor man and began chatting.

“I couldn’t make out much of what he was saying due to the accent, but it was ‘reet’ this, and, ‘reet’ that.

“At one point he began talking about his pet whippet and how he keeps coal in the bath.

“It was shocking to witness and it’ll be a long time before I can get the image of that northerner’s overly-friendly face out of my head I don’t mind admitting”

Following the incident, the attacker was overpowered by fellow passengers and handed over to police, who wrestled the man to the ground and handcuffed him before taking him to Ebury Bridge police station where he remains in police custody awaiting an appearance at Horseferry Road magistrates court on Monday morning, charged with affray, resisting arrest, manslaughter and overfamiliarity.

This latest incident comes just two weeks after a 50-year-old woman from Spitalfields in East London, collapsed and died from heart failure in the arms of fellow commuters when a man from Sheffield in South Yorkshire approached her on the platform of Shadwell tube station and reportedly said, in what was described by witnesses as a cheery manner: “‘Ow do missus. It’s turned out reet nice again ah see”

Editor’s Note: It’s a complete myth that Northerners are, for the most part, pleasant and friendly individuals, while Londoners are taciturn, rude and lacking in warmth. Now get out, the lot of you! GO ON! GET OUT!

Adam Cartwright out of Bonanza found living in local pie shop.

Pernell Roberts, The Cowboy Adam Cartwright - YouTube

According to a local Whitechapel man, Adam Cartwright, the eldest son of Ben Cartwright out of the popular 1960s TV western series, Bonanza, is now living above a pie and eel shop in Roman Road in Bow where he makes a living trapping eels in the Thames estuary at Gravesend.

Toby Dell, 45, from Commercial Street, told a Whelk reporter: “I first spotted Adam out of Bonanza when I went in Kelly’s in Roman Road for a pie and mash a few weeks back.

“He came in the shop carrying a basket of live eels. It was definitely him, he was wearing a cowboy outfit and had that miserable look on his face that he used to have when he was on telly

“I asked him for his autograph, but he drew his six-gun and warned me that if I came any closer I was going to get a belly full of lead, so I just left him to it.”

This news comes just two-weeks after Trampus from The Virginian was spotted driving a number 24 bus in Camden High Street.

No feisty but exceedingly attractive saloon girls named Miss Kitty were harmed during the writing of this news item – Ed.

Politics in Brief: Trump and Pence to woo voters with Duelling Banjos

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Jared Kushner pictured last night

The White House press office has announced that President Donald Trump, and his Vice President, Mike Pence, will go on the campaign trail in the run-up to the November election with a performance of the grammy-winning duet, Duelling Banjos.

A press spokesman told newsmen last night: “The President and Vice-President are both huge fans of the movie, Deliverance, particularly the Duelling Banjos scene, and have decided to replicate it at rallies over the coming weeks to keep the crowds entertained, and, in particular, the sizeable inbred contingent’

A White House insider last night revealed that, while the vice-president has pretty much nailed the piece almost in its entirety after a few day’s intensive tuition, President Trump has been less adept at mastering his instrument and keeps trying to play it by putting the machine head in his mouth and blowing.

More as we get it.

Ryanair’s five pounds flights to include post-takeoff floggings

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A lucky passenger pictured jetting off to Sheffield on a budget Ryanair flight last night

Controversial budget airline, Ryanair have announced that their recently-confirmed £5 flights to selected European cities will feature a post-takeoff flogging in the galley for passengers taking advantage of the bargain flights.

A spokesman for Ryanair, who recently came under fire for making passengers go to the toilet in their pants if they refused to pay the airline’s notorious £100 ‘chodbin duty’, told newsmen:

“We’re delighted to announce, that for a few hours, customers will be able to purchase tickets to places nobody wants to go, like Albania or Huddersfield for just five pounds.

“However, they will be stripped and flogged with a cat-o-nine-tails shortly after takeoff by way of retribution.

“Salt will be made available to rub into their wounds post beating, subject to a salt and rubbing surcharge payable on pain of death’

In other related news; last week, a Ryanair passenger with suspected coronavirus was charged two thousand Euros for being dragged from the plane by men in Hazchem suits at Dublin airport.

EDITOR’S NOTE: If it’s possible to actually hate an actual company we hate these licenced brigands with a fearsome intensity. In short, I wouldn’t give these robbing scumbags the steam off your piss.

Local man tasered following Sausage Party jibe at cop

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A 30-year-old Whitechapel man was recovering in hospital last night following an incident in which a police officer deployed his taser after the man had taunted him over the popular animated movie, Sausage Party

Toby Dell, from Vallance Road, allegedly jeered at the officer who was on duty near Aldgate East station, taunting him that he was going home to watch Sausage Party while the officer would have to remain on patrol.

A bystander told a Whelk reporter: “I heard a heated exchange between this man and a police officer

“The man was yelling that he was going to watch Sausage Party and that the officer wasn’t.

“He was right in this cop’s face, so when the officer drew his taser and zapped him, I wasn’t surprised and even gave him a thumbs-up while this idiot was twitching on the deck.

A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police said last night: “In the current emergency we urge members of the public to act with common sense and respect, particularly where Sausage Party is concerned.

“If you are going to watch it at some point, please close your doors and windows so that others won’t realise that you’re enjoying the sausage-based antics in the finest motion picture ever made while they may not be able to do so”

In other related news, the actors playing the main sausage and the hot dog bun are going to visit the Royal London Hospital later today where they will meet with frontline NHS staff to offer support and good wishes.

TOP SHELF THEOLOGY

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It’s a good job I’m going to Latin Mass this morning is all I can say – Ed

Putin’s daughter turns into manatee following covid vaccine trial

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Yekaterina poses for snappers at her holiday home

In a major setback to the much-vaunted, nationwide rolling out of a coronavirus vaccine in Russia, it has been reported that the daughter of President Vladimir Putin, Yekaterina, who took part in the trial programme for the so-called, Sputnik-5 vaccine, has become a manatee.

A spokesman for the Kremlin told Russian media: “While it is true that President Putin’s daughter has now become a manatee it is unclear if the coronavirus vaccine was a factor.

“Admittedly, some of the other people involved in the trial programme have also turned into large, marine mammals but that could be sheer coincidence and anti-Russian, western speculation”

It is believed that Putin’s daughter was found drifting around in the pool at the President’s holiday home on the coast of Georgia on Tuesday evening and was identified by her, ‘Vlad’s My Dad’ knickers.

Local man’s hatred for chatty and convivial supermarket woman knows no bounds 

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A man dealing with a cheery woman in the olden days

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has described how a personable woman in the queue for the tills at a local Lidl supermarket invoked in him a murderous, exponential rage that consumed him in a spiralling vortex of raw, unbridled hatred.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, told The Whelk: “I was already feeling a bit agitated when I joined the queue.

“I’d had a tiring day at work and just wanted to get home to stick my trotters up in front of the TV for the evening.

“So when this woman in front of me kept turning around, making light-hearted comments about everything from the weather to the price of minced beef, I felt this almost uncontrollable rage well up inside me.

“Then, when she finally got to the till and began chatting in a warm and friendly manner with the checkout girl, I realised that if I had been armed with an assault rifle I would have emptied it into this bitch without turning a hair”

Mr Dell served a 7-year prison sentence in May 1995 for assault occasioning grievous bodily harm after an incident in a Waitrose car park when he battered a man with a tyre iron who had cheerily asked him if he was going to watch the FA Cup Final later that day.

If you’re suffering from anger management issues don’t come whining to me about it or I’ll batter you from arseole to Saturday, you worthless piece of crap – Ed.

Our 25-minute sunshine break was ‘super worth it’ say local halfwits

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Plucky Brits. Toby and Tracy pictured putting their disappointment to one side at Gatwick airport last night.

A 23-year-old man and his 19-year-old girlfriend who were forced to return from their eagerly-awaited holiday in Magaluf in Spain after just 25-minutes due to the latest coronavirus spike have hailed the break a huge success despite spending less than half an hour in the resort.

Toby Dell, a Whitechapel forklift truck driver who travelled with his beautician girlfriend, Tracy Carter, told us: “It was a blow when the airline told us to get the first available flight back because they were cancelling our return flight, but we had a brilliant twenty-five minutes and it was super-worth the money.

“When we got to the hotel we found that our room was filthy dirty and was running alive with cockroaches but the staff on the desk couldn’t have been more helpful and told us they’d find us another room in one of their other hotels in a different resort as soon as they got round to it.

“We got unpacked and found out how to turn the telly on so we were all set for a fantastic time.

“Then we got a text telling us to go back to the airport a bit lively or we’d have to make our own arrangements.

“It was a bit disappointing, but we did have a great time while we there and will definitely be going back next year.

Ms Carter was equally pleased with the £1500 break. “We had a great laugh at the airport after we landed and met some lovely peeps from Sheffield in the queue at security and we’ll deffo be keeping in touch. It’s what holidays are all about really. Meeting new people and that.

“I did get a bit burnt waiting for the taxi outside the airport and my shoulders have started peeling a bit but I’m not the first person to have overdone it on the first day and I don’t suppose I’ll be the last”, she laughed.

“I’m slightly cheesed off that we missed out on the hotel BBQ and the bar crawl that first night, but on the bright side, the transfer coach was only half an hour late picking us up and we did manage to grab a bottle of gin from the supermarket so we were well pissed-up by the time we got on the plane home. I’ll be going back, definitely”

In other related news, a 25-year-old woman from Fulham in West London has revealed that she contracted VD while on a two-week break in Lloret Del Mar despite the fact that, due to a covid scare, her flight had to turn round and return to Manchester airport when it was only halfway across the English Channel.

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