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The Whitechapel Whelk

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Local man ejaculated during bout of extreme nose-blowing, court told

kleenex

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday told magistrates that a bout of hard nose-blowing had been behind the fact that he ejaculated onto the door of a crowded District Line tube train carriage in January this year.

Toby Dell, a foundry worker from Commercial Street, told the court that the sheer force of his nasal expulsions had triggered an involuntary orgasm and that he had no intention of committing an act of gross indecency.

“I was suffering from a heavy cold and just wanted to clear my nose because I was struggling to breathe,” he told Horseferry Road magistrates court.

“All of a sudden my trouser zip burst open and I inadvertently ejaculated onto the door.

“It was purely an accident,” he said, “I wasn’t even aroused.”

Sentencing Dell to a 9-month prison sentence, suspended for one year, the magistrate, Terence Carter, told the defendant: “The court proposes leniency in this instance, but if you return to this court having shot your custard in public again you can expect a substantial custodial sentence to be imposed.”

Last August, a 23-year-old woman from Pimlico in West London was fined £150 for behaviour likely to cause a breach of the peace after she had a series of shattering climaxes during a prolonged bout of coughing in the waiting room at her doctor’s surgery.

We’ll regain our place in British hearts by winning Olympic 2-man bobsleigh gold, say Meghan and Harry

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Underfire royals, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle last night roared out a defiant message to the British people that they will once again become the Duke and Duchess of hearts by winning a gold medal for Great Britain in the next winter Olympic Games,

Speaking to reporters last night outside their California home, Harry said: “I know the British people are feeling a bit let down that Meghan and I have ceased our royal duties but we aim to put that right by winning a gold medal in the Olympics in the 2-man bobsleigh event.

“We’ve already started practising on the slide that goes into our pool and we’ve clocked up some pretty impressive times already.

“Once we’ve won gold we’ll come back to Britain as heroes, not like Edward and Mrs Simpson who were never accepted by the British people because she was a hard-faced old slapper and he wanted the Germans to win the war”.

If successful, the Sussexes will equal the feat of Princess Margaret and her husband, Lord Snowdon, who won back the love and respect of the British public following a string of sex scandals by winning a silver in the 1964 Tokyo Olympics as a tag team in the light-heavyweight, Greco-Roman wrestling.

Local Woman Falls in Love With Google Pegman

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Roadmap to romance? Pegman pictured playing it cool last night

A 52-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she has fallen in love with the little yellow pegman figure that is used to navigate the streets on Google Maps Streetview.

Tracy Dell, a secretary in a local forklift truck company, told us: “I first realised I had feelings for the Google Pegman when I was planning a family holiday in Mablethorpe in Yorkshire.

“I was using him to negotiate some of the roads leading down to the beach when I began to notice how attractive he was.

“Over the next few weeks, I fell head-over-heels and began fantasising about sleeping with him and wondering if he’d be a considerate and tender lover.

“I tried to make him notice me by using Google Maps while wearing a variety of saucy outfits but he seemed impervious to my charms.

“I’m now wondering if he might be gay and whether it would be worth my while dressing up as a fireman”

Ms Dell’s confession comes exactly 30 years after a 40-year-old woman from Shoreditch divorced her husband after she came home early and found him engaged in a saucy, aural sex romp with British Telecom’s, ‘The Speaking Clock’

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Whelk Exclusive: Harry and Meghan set to rebuild Kray twins’ criminal empire

harry meghan krays
The royal firm pictured in their terraced house in the Bethnal Green Road. Pic by The Artful Dodger aka Sofia Dee

The Whitechapel Whelk can exclusively reveal that the Duke and Duchess of Sussex plan to establish themselves as East London crime bosses in the style of the notorious Kray twins who ruled the London underworld in the late fifties and sixties.

We have learned from a man who sometimes drinks in The Carpenters pub in Bethnal Green, a former watering hole of Ronald and Reginald Kray and other members of their fearsome East End ‘Firm’, that Harry and Meghan have already started moving in on some of the local billiard halls, drinking clubs and illegal gambling dens, or, ‘spielers’ in and around the Whitechapel and Spitalfields area.

The man, who wishes to remain anonymous, told us: “The Sussex firm are slowly taking over a lot of the East London clubs and drinkers and people are getting worried that we’ll see a return to the lawless days when The Twins had the East End and also a good part of the West End in their pockets back in the old days.

“A few of the local car dealerships have already been targeted for protection after being visited by some of Harry and Meghan’s heavies, with one dealer getting nailed to a billiard table in The Lord Rodney’s Head in Whitechapel for being late with his ‘pension’.

“Of the two, Harry seems to be the most reasonable one, who will give creditors an extra day or two to come up with the money, but Meghan’s a different story altogether.

“She’s unstable and dangerous with a hair-trigger temper and a tendency to explode at the slightest hint of disrespect or liberty-taking.

“A few nights back, she used a cutlass to carve her initials into the arse of a club owner in Shoreditch who asked her if she’d put on a bit of weight during the lockdown.

“She’s also been visiting a number of boozers in the Buckingham Palace Road, hoping to come across The Queen who she’s threatened to give a striping because Her Majesty announced plans to take away Meghan’s royal pension that’s due when she retires at 65.

‘Although to be fair to the woman, she’s very good to her old mum and always visits her for a Sunday afternoon, sit-down tea and makes sure she’s got enough money for the rent and the odd new frock now and again.

‘Harry’s a lot more laid-back, although you still need to be wary of the geezer as he’s often pissed on gin and pilled-up at the weekends and once shot a geezer in the Blind Beggar for allegedly having a pop at Princess Ann while they were in the bogs having a gypsy’s kiss.

“To be fair if the royals do take over the manor a lot of people will be hoping that they’ll be willing to sort out problems for local people like the twins used to back in the day.

‘It’d be nice to think you could go round to their house if you’re having trouble with the landlord or a nuisance neighbour, knowing that Harry and Meghan would shoot round on a visit in a big motor and give the scumbags concerned a good old fashioned straightener on the cobbles with the old brass knuckles or a life preserver”

Police are now concerned that trouble could flare up between the Sussex mob and the rival firm from across the river in Camberwell run by the infamous Cambridge family headed by Prince ‘Willy The Jew’ Cambridge and his criminally insane wife, ‘ Maltese’ Katy C.

If you have any information which could be relevant to this piece, for fuck’s sake keep it to yourself and don’t tell the Old Bill, unless you want to end up in the foundations of a new tower block or being fed to the pigs on an urban farm on The Isle of Dogs – Ed

The Passion of Harrison Ford: Actor To Become Human Cross

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Ford pictured limbering up for human cross stint last night

In a surprise move, Hollywood legend, Harrison Ford, has told friends that he will be tackling his toughest ever role this Easter when he will double as a ‘human cross’ and invite people to be nailed to him outside his home in Palm Beach, Florida.

Ford told reporters last night: “I’ve always been a deeply religious man so what better way to express my faith than to pretend to be a cross and to have members of the public nailed to me outside my home”

The Star Wars actor will be driven two feet into the ground on the day before Good Friday where he will adopt a ‘crucifix’ pose, similar to that of a scarecrow in a field.

People will then be nailed to the actor for short periods, after which, they will be asked to put their loose change in a tin positioned at the star’s feet. Ford has promised that every penny raised will be spent on drink and fancy women during Holy Week.

However, the move has attracted criticism from Christian church leaders, with The Archbishop of Canterbury calling it: “Exploitative and a blasphemous outrage”. While The Pope urged people to boycott what he called the actor’s “cynical attempt to cash in on Christ’s suffering.”

“I know his acting is pretty wooden, even at the best of times,” The Pontiff said last night, “But this is just taking the piss”

Ford’s announcement mirrors a similar move by Oscar-winning actress, Meryl Streep last Easter Monday,  when the Mama Mia star had herself fired into space attached to a rocket in what she claimed was a tribute to Jesus’s ascension unto Heaven.

Local ‘troll’ found hanged after court seized mum’s dressing gown

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Pic courtesy of Troll About Town magazine

A notorious internet troll was found hanged in his bedroom just hours after a court ordered the seizure of the dressing gown belonging to his mother which he habitually wore when sitting at his laptop sending hate messages to people in the public eye.

The wearing of a mother’s dressing gown is famously de riguer for the troll community and it is believed that the confiscation of this man’s ad hoc uniform may have pushed him over the edge.

The order came from a magistrate at Croydon Court in South London where the unnamed man appeared yesterday on charges of harassment and a number of public nuisance offences.

The magistrate told him: “You are clearly a somewhat pathetic individual who seeks validation through abusing people with a higher standing in society than yourself.

“I am therefore confiscating your mum’s dressing gown and issuing an order that she keeps her new one under lock and key in the wardrobe”.

In 2018, a notorious North London troll threw himself to his death from Hammersmith Bridge after sending racist insults via Twitter to heavyweight boxing champion, Anthony Joshua, who tweeted back that he had discovered the man’s IP address and would ‘be round for a chat later’.

Ladies. Put a stop to your husband’s constant self-abuse with the Mastur-Mate from the Whitechapel Bellend Foundry

Ladies. Are you sick of going without your womanly rights because your husband would rather sneak off to the bathroom to feed the ducks with a racy bongo mag tucked down the back of his trousers?

Then this ingenious little device is perfect for you.

One sharp rap across his lid while he’s wringing the bells will dampen his onanism almost immediately thereby increasing your chances of getting a half-decent scuttling at bedtime

Send just £3874.00 to The Whitechapel Bellend Foundry and we’ll despatch your Mastur-Mate at some vague point in the future

Testimonial:

mastur-mate housewife

Self-Published Author Attacks Regular Published Author With Axe

axe
A bloody axe similar to the type of desperate, ‘please buy me’, thing you would find on a self-published book cover

A 40-year-old Whitechapel man was in police custody last night after attacking a 55-year-old man with an axe in what is believed to have been an act of publishing-based jealousy.

The arrested man, Toby Dell from Leman Street, was allegedly envious of the victim’s success in getting a book published by a recognised publishing house, while Dell had to resort to constantly having his work launched on Amazon in a desperate bid for some kind of recognition no matter how ill-deserved.

We spoke to a neighbour last night who told us: “Toby was a really nice bloke before he got involved in the self-publishing game.

“Then, he seemed to change almost overnight. He became withdrawn and aggressive.

“He used to launch into angry outbursts, during which he would attack published authors. He used to call them scumbags and liberty-takers. Even the good ones like Stephen King, Steinbeck and Charles Dickens.

“So when I heard he’d gone for this bloke with an axe I wasn’t surprised, to be honest with you”

The injured man is now recovering in The Royal London Hospital where he is said to be comfortable and availing himself of a number of the proper books from the hospital library

Dell will appear at Horseferry Road magistrates court on Monday charged with attempted murder and writing without due care and talent.

EDITOR’S NOTE: We have been informed that people lacking the talent to have their work published in the conventional way prefer to be known as ‘indie authors’, which, we are reliably informed is the abbreviated vernacular for indescribably atrocious. You can also recognise them easily enough by their penchant for inserting the word, author, writer, bard, or, novelist, in their online screen name.

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