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The Whitechapel Whelk

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Local woman found hanged following shock-induced flatulence incident

Colonie gas leak cleaned up after major rupture

A 23-year-old woman from Whitechapel in East London was found hanged in her bathroom on Tuesday night following an incident in the street on the previous evening when she noisily broke wind in front of her new boyfriend who had surprised her by jumping out in front of her from a shop doorway in Commercial Street.

Tracy Carter, a beautician from Berner Street, had told friends that it was the most embarrassing day of her life and that she was struggling to come to terms with it.

The man concerned in the incident, Toby Dell, 25, a diesel-fitter from Mile End, told us: “I spotted Tracy walking past Spitalfields Market and decided to surprise her.

“I ducked into a doorway and jumped out in front of her when she drew level.

“She screamed and then unleashed this enormous, double-barrelled fart. It was a real rip-snorter and loads of people turned around and looked at her.

“I actually thought it was pretty funny but she got really upset and ran off down the street.

“The ironic part of it was that she actually let fly with a few minor squeakers as she took off.

“To be fair, it was the first time she’d ever done that in front of me, although, you can bet your bottom dollar she used to fart privately. That’s women all over in my view.

“She was a nice girl though and I’m pretty sorry she’s hanged herself, although, I have to say, I think she overreacted a bit”

This incident comes just two weeks after a 19-year-old girl from neighbouring Spitalfields threw herself into Wapping Dock and drowned after repeatedly failing to flush a stubborn ‘submarine’ down the toilet at her new boyfriend’s flat in Silvertown, only managing to reduce it to a ‘peeper’.

Comic Book Shocker: Batman’s Grandad To Be Unveiled as Trans Lesbian, says DC

gay superman

Just days after the shock news that DC Comics have decided to expose Superman’s son, Jon, as bi-sexual, the comic giant has now revealed that in a forthcoming issue of Batman, the Caped Crusader’s grandfather will undergo a sex change operation, turning him from a hick farmer in Michigan into a female with strong lesbian tendencies.

In a brief statement, a spokesperson for DC said last night: “We have decided to reflect today’s more tolerant and diverse society by making Batman’s grandad a transsexual with a liking for the occasional bout of clam noshing.

“There won’t be anything too graphic. Readers will just see him going into a private clinic in his farmer’s overalls before emerging the next day with a beehive hairdo and wearing a dress.”

This latest move comes just weeks after Marvel Comics revealed that The Mighty Thor’s father and ruler of Asgard, Odin, is going to be exposed as a sexually insane secret cross-dresser who gets caught by his wife, Freya, wearing her corsets and wanking in the bathroom to images in an amputee-dwarf grumble mag.

Local man almost certain girlfriend had bowel movement on first date

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A girl pictured pretending she doesn’t need to go to the toilet last night

A 23-year-old man from Aldgate in East London has claimed to be “99% certain” that a young woman he had just cooked dinner for at his flat went to the toilet and opened her bowels shortly after dessert.

Toby Dell, an electrical engineer, told The East London Gazette: “It was our first date and we were both feeling pretty nervous and a little awkward too I guess.

I had made us steak and kidney pie with peas and mash and my new girlfriend seemed to really enjoy it.

It was just after we’d eaten our dessert of rhubarb crumble and custard that I noticed a change in her demeanour. She kept fidgeting in her chair and wouldn’t look me in the eye.

“She then excused herself and went to the bathroom.

Her movements at this point were hurried and a little furtive, and she kept her head down as she walked past me.

She must have been gone for well over five minutes, during which I heard her cough loudly at least four or five times. I can only assume she was trying to drown out the splashes.

“After she’d pulled the chain, she remained in there for quite a while, presumably waiting for the bubbles to go from the top of the water so she could check for any tell-tale floaters or submarines.

“When she came back, her face was pretty red and she avoided eye contact for quite some time.

I tried to smooth things over by making a few light-hearted remarks about the noisy plumbing, but it only seemed to make matters worse and she left shortly after, saying that she had to get up early for work.

“After she’d gone, I went to the bathroom myself and it was pretty obvious she’d been spraying perfume in there to mask the stench of rotting greens”

When asked if he’d be seeing her again, he told us that he would, but would only be serving drinks and a few dry biscuits.

Surgeons battle to remove Bruce Willis’s oil-stained vest

Film and Television

A team of highly skilled surgeons were last night locked in a grim, life-or-death struggle to remove the oily vest of action movie stalwart, Bruce Willis.

Willis, 97, hasn’t taken the vest off since the first Die Hard epic hit our screens in 1958 and it is feared that the oil-stained garment may have given him a potentially fatal case of dermatitis

He has previously told friends that he keeps it on in case he gets the call from a film producer to reprise the famous scene where he clings to the undercarriage of a hijacked airliner, despite the fact that his vest was being heavily spattered with oil from a stricken engine.

A hospital spokesman said last night: “Mr Willis is currently undergoing surgery to remove his oil-stained vest.

“However, due to the fact that the garment has become fused to his body over time this is proving problematical and the team may just to decide to let him die on the operating table and go down the pub”

In 1957, wild west movie legend, John Wayne, almost died during an eighteen-hour long operation as a team of medics fought to surgically remove his ten-gallon cowboy hat.

Ten thousand Afghan refugees to be housed on Olly Murs’ big face

Olly - Copy

 

In a surprise announcement last night, the Foreign and Colonial Office has confirmed that up to ten thousand Afghans, fleeing the Taliban, will be offered temporary housing on the enormous face of pop icon, Olly Murs, after arriving in this country.

A government spokesperson told newsmen: “The government are determined to rescue as many British nationals as possible along with Afghans who have put their own safety at risk to help our troops during the last twenty years.

“We have therefore decided to build a number of temporary homes on Olly Murs’ big face with a view to housing up to ten thousand refugees until more permanent residences can be offered further down the line.

“It is the government’s aim to house five thousand on his massive spam forehead with the rest being located on other parts of his gigantic dial, including his nostrils and ears, where elderly and vulnerable people will be able to shelter from the more extreme weather over the coming months.”

The Dance With Me star was unable to comment last night as he’s currently on tour on the Isle Of Wight, but his mother, Marjory, 98, told newsmen: “I spoke to Olly last night and he’s more than happy to house these poor people on his massive clock and is looking forward to getting home and lying down in his back garden so that the builders can get cracking.”

Murs’ selfless actions were greeted enthusiastically last night, in particular by roly-poly TV host, Eamon Holmes, who, in 1972, housed over two thousand Ugandan Asians, fleeing the murderous despot, Idi Amin, on one of the cheeks of his gigantic, flabby arse.

Simon Cowell to be fired to the edge of space using his big trousers

simon

Pop entrepreneur and TV personality, Simon Cowell, is set to join the likes of Amazon mogul, Jeff Bezos, and Virgin Media boss, Richard Branson, who have recently embarked on multi-million-pound space trips, by being fired to the very edge of space using a specially-designed catapult, which, when attached to the braces on his massive, high waistband trousers will hurl him skywards at speeds in excess of two thousand miles per hour.

Speaking to newsmen last night, Cowell, 87, said: “Ever since I was a kid, listening to David Bowie’s Space Oddity on my transistor radio, I’ve been fascinated by space travel, so this opportunity to be catapulted to the very edge of the Earth’s atmosphere using my huge trousers as a rudimentary slingshot really is a boyhood dream come true.

Cowell is scheduled to be launched from his back garden on October 10 this year, wearing a specially designed helmet linked to an oxygen tank on his back.

The daring mogul will also be coated with a high factor sunscreen in case he ventures too close to the sun, although he has told friends he hopes to avoid that pitfall by going at night.

Strictly Bombshell: Farage to compete in show’s first-ever male-crypto/fascist pairing

farage nazi

In a surprise announcement last night, a spokesperson for the popular ballroom dancing-based TV show, Strictly Come Dancing, announced that controversial Brexit architect, Nigel Farage, will be joining the list of celeb competitors and will be paired with one of the male dancers in what will be the show’s first-ever male/crypto-fascist pairing.

In a statement released last night, the show’s producers revealed: “We are all about diversity and acceptance and are therefore delighted to welcome Nigel to the show and look forward to seeing the extreme right-wing, headbanger showing audiences what he can do, beyond convincing intellectually-challenged people to vote for a measure that will effectively chop the country’s balls off in an act of fiscal and cultural suicide”.

It is understood that the production company also approached reviled, hate-peddler, Katie Hopkins, with an offer to appear on the show but rowed back when she demanded the right to call for the machine-gunning of dinghies containing immigrants in the English Channel during interviews with Claudia Winkleman after each stint under the iconic glitterball.

A delighted Farage spoke briefly to newsmen from outside his home last night: “I’m really looking forward to joining the show this autumn. I’ve always fancied myself as a bit of a racially pure, Anglo-Saxon Fred Astaire” he said.

“However, if my partner tries to lead off at the start of our performance, I certainly won’t hesitate to take back control”, he chuckled.

It is understood that Farage’s contract contains a stipulation that he will not perform any dances with European connotations like The Viennese Waltz, nor any that give credence to a racially tolerant philosophy like, The Black Bottom.

Meghan may have been military advisor to Serb monster, Mladic, says Daily Mail

extra!

In an exclusive piece in today’s Daily Mail, the newspaper makes the shocking claim that the Duchess of Sussex may have been a military advisor to convicted Serbian war criminal, Ratko Mladic, dubbed, The Butcher Of Bosnia, who oversaw atrocities inflicted on the Bosnian Muslims, Croats, and other non-Serbs in the early 90s.

The Mail makes the damning accusation, citing the fact that little was known of Meghan Markle – as she was known back when Mladic was committing war crimes.

“It’s highly probable that Markle was behind many of these attrocitities,” says the newspaper.

“Mladic could never have engineered the killings of civilians in Sarajevo and places like that without help, and attention-seeking Markle has to be high on the list of probable accomplices.

“She may have thought that she could get a book deal out of it at some point, or even a TV exclusive with Oprah Winfrey on prime time television.”

Mladic, currently serving a life sentence for genocide in The Hague, allegedly refused to deny the allegation when questioned by a Mail reporter last Tuesday.

The shock claim comes almost 27 years after The Daily Express newspaper’s 1996 claim that Princess Diana was a close associate of brutal Ugandan despot, Idi Amin, during his murderous reign of terror in the 1970s.

However, the newspaper retracted the claim a year later when the princess was killed in a car crash and the news media had to like her again.

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