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Local Man Dupes Wife by Using Hand On a Spring to Readjust Thermostat

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A 43-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he routinely uses a joke, hand on a spring, to turn down the central heating thermostat when his wife’s not looking.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, told us: “I spotted this hand on a spring device in a joke shop in Aldgate and immediately thought it would be just the thing for turning the heating down without actually walking over to it and getting a load of abuse.

“It’s been brilliant to be fair. I regularly turn it down a few notches while the missus watches telly, and, so far, she doesn’t seem to have noticed.

“She did ask me what the hand on a spring was for the other day, so I just told her it was for stroking the cat without having to bend down or get up from my armchair.”

It is estimated that the average British woman’s central heating adjustments melt the polar ice caps by 7 square miles during an episode of Homes Under The Hammer between late Spring and mid-June every year.

You’ve largely ignored the newspaper. Now, you can give the book a wide berth too!

whelk front whelk back

Artful Dodger Publications are proud to give you the opportunity to baulk violently at the mere thought of parting with your hard-earned dough in order to come into possession of this utterly inane anthology of satirical dross.

It contains 140 poorly-written, unfunny skits and fake news items, as well as all the pitifully unamusing characters you’ve come to loathe down the years.

So, if you’re looking for a hilarious collection of cleverly conceived satirical writing to purchase as an early Christmas gift for a friend or loved one, I’d give this horrendous excuse for humour a very wide berth indeed if I were you -Ed.

PS. If you do buy it at the ridiculously low, bargain price of £9.99, then we thank you most sincerely and may your God go with you.

Here’s a linkypoo:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1700490486/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=whitechapel+whelk&qid=1571452502&sr=8-2

PPS. There’s also a Kindle edition in case you’re skint or just a bit tight with money:

 

Local Man convinced that the No.24 bus is ever-present among us like God

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A 52-year-old Whitechapel man has told a Whelk reporter that he believes that the number 24 bus is an omnipresent entity that pervades the lives of all humanity and will continue to do so until the very end of time.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver from Commercial Street, told us: “Everywhere I go in town I see a number 24 bus.

“It doesn’t matter if I’m in East London, West London, or even south of the river, the 24 is always there.

“I believe it’s been sent to watch over us and to keep us from harm.

“Unless, of course, you’re like my neighbour who stepped off the kerb in Victoria Street in front of one and was killed instantly.

“I can only assume he’d lived a sinful life and that the number 24 was wreaking its wrath and vengeance upon him for straying from the path of righteousness

“For is it not written; The Number 24 bus is a vengeful bus and all who stray from its path shall be cast down into the pit.”

A spokesman for Transport For London last night denied Mr Dell’s assertions: “The number 24 is not a terrible, ubiquitous deity that is all-pervasive and omnipresent.

“However, we do concede that it goes from Pimlico to Hampstead Heath, seven days a week and that there are quite a lot of them.  Especially in Tottenham Court Road during the rush hour”

Whitechapel Funerals Present: The Undignitarse, Buttock Display Coffin of Hope

Australian Cedar coffin design, by LifeArt, is an environmentall
We at The Whitechapel Funeral Parlour are delighted to give you this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have your arse on display to all and sundry after your death.

 
The Undignitarse Peek-A-Boo Buttock Display Coffin of Hope is a lovingly crafted and uniquely designed coffin that will ensure that grieving friends and relatives will be afforded a first-class view of your arse before you are taken to your final resting place.

 
Each coffin is fitted with a viewing aperture, which can be pre-ordered by you, or requested by your family, so that even the biggest arse can be fully displayed.

 
We even offer a full complimentary arse-shaving and tag nut removal service to ensure that your arse looks absolutely pristine and is free of unsightly ‘cling-ons’ when it is put on public display.

 
Retailing at just £3567.89, The Undignitarse is unbeatable value for the terminally ill and suicidal alike; or even for the forward-thinking individual who just want to make sure their loved ones and acquaintances can have a really good look at their arse before they are either laid to rest or put into an incinerator.

 
Here’s a testimonial from just one of our satisfied mourners:

 
‘My wife had an absolutely massive arse, so I wasn’t sure that The Undignitarse was for me. But, thanks to the skilled craftsmen at The Whitechapel Funeral Parlour who put a 3-foot square window in her coffin, the entire family was able to have a really good look at both of her gigantic cheeks before she was buried. Thanks, Whitechapel Funeral Parlour!’  Toby Dell, Cripplegate, East London.

 
Order your Undignitarse today and get a free brochure detailing our wide range of revealing caskets; including the iconic ‘Cock Flasher’, and for the ladies, the ever-popular ‘Flange Mate’

Whitechapel braces itself for Thunder Bastard Baby-Crusher Storm of Terror and Death

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Prepared. A wooden post braces itself in readiness as a local woman runs like merry f**k

The London district of Whitechapel is preparing to batten down the hatches as weathermen warn of a destructive Atlantic front, dubbed, The Thunder Bastard Baby-Crusher Storm of Terror and Death, which is predicted to wreak its full fury on the area during the early hours of tomorrow morning.

A Met Office spokesman told newsmen: “We expect the Thunder Bastard to hit the west coast at around 22.00.

“There will undoubtedly be widespread disruption to services along with structural damage to many unimportant areas like Cornwall and Gloucestershire before it reaches London shortly after midnight.

“We strongly advise all Londoners to wrap up warm in their best cashmere pyjamas and to ensure that emergency supplies of Prosecco and petit fours are on hand in case supply routes to their local Waitrose or delicatessen are affected in the days to follow.”

According to storm-tracking equipment, the Thunder Bastard will swing north later on in the day, reaching the Scottish border by late afternoon on Friday, causing millions of pounds worth of improvements across the entire region as it sweeps north towards Aberdeen.

Royal Family to Spend Xmas on Olly Murs’ Big Face

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Buckingham Palace last night revealed that Her Majesty The Queen, along with The Duke of Edinburgh and other prominent members of the royal family, will this year be spending the Christmas period on the enormous face of pop icon, Olly Murs.

A Palace spokesman told reporters that The Queen is fed up with spending every Christmas at Balmoral and fancied a change.

“Her Majesty wishes it to be known that she will be spending Christmas on Olly Murs’s big face and will remain there until January 2 when she will return to Windsor Castle to recover from the drink for a day or two”

It is understood that the Queen and Prince Philip will be spending the nights on Murs’s gigantic forehead, while William and Kate will be given a small suite of rooms on his massive chin.

Harry and Meghan will be spending much of the festive period up his massive nose, although, due to their famously raucous lovemaking, The Queen has stipulated that they sleep in separate nostrils and that Murs must put wads of cotton wool up his nose at night in case Harry tries to sneak into Meghan’s nostril to give her a noisy scuttling while everyone’s sleeping off the grog.

It is also understood that strict security will be in place in case Fergie tries to sneak onto Murs’s face uninvited.

This move will constitute the biggest departure from royal festive tradition since Queen Victoria and Prince Albert, along with 700 invited guests, saw in the New Year on the cheeks of Kaiser Wilhelm’s gigantic arse.

Boris Calls For Return of Public Hanging

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“Hang some sense into ’em!” Boris pictured campaigning in Surrey last night

In what is being seen as a bid to upstage his fellow prime ministerial hopeful, Jeremy Hunt, Boris Johnson yesterday told a local Conservative Party association that one of the first things he would do as PM would be to reintroduce public hanging.

Speaking in Dorking in Surrey, Johnson told members: “Public hanging is part of our urban culture and heritage and the sooner it’s back on the statute books the better.

“I would move to have the initial hangings carried out outside The Old Bailey, like they used to be in the good old days, with a view to building a public gallows in every major city in the land.

“Revenue would be raised by selling tickets to these events with special discounts for those in the upper tax brackets”

Hunt, who yesterday said he would move to bring back foxhunting, responded by vowing to implement a return to sending little boys up chimneys and to reintroduce keelhauling and the lash as punishments for sodomy in The Royal Navy

I’ll stop bodies falling from aircraft over Britain with my big face says Olly Murs

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Following yesterday’s tragic incident when a stowaway on a Kenya Airlines aircraft fell into the back garden of a sunbather in Clapham, South London, pop icon Olly Murs has offered to use his huge face to prevent his fellow Brits from being killed or injured by falling illegals.

Murs plans to have helium-filled blimps attached to his wrists and ankles so that he hovers a few hundred feet above the ground’

Once in position, his big round face, which has a surface area of 91 kilometres, will act as a ‘safety net’ to catch any falling foreigners hoping to come over here to scrounge off the welfare state.

Murs himself was unavailable for comment last night as he is currently on tour in Croatia, but his mother, Violet, 108, told newsmen: “When Olly heard about the falling immigrant, he immediately offered his services to the government.

“Hopefully, his gigantic dial will do the trick and will protect any Britsh people from being harmed by illegals.

“Although, personally, I’m with Mr Farage and would like to shoot the bloody lot of them”

In related news, pop entrepreneur, Simon Cowell, has also offered to help with the problem by catching any falling foreigners in a pair of his gigantic, hi-waistbanded trousers.

Boris Johnson was perfect gentleman during our night of bare-faced lying and hard-right ideology says, Sarah Sanders

Sarah Sanders
Sanders strongly denies any contact with Johnson’s Johnson

Ex-Whitehouse press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, last night appeared to fly to the defence of beleaguered British prime ministerial hopeful, Boris Johnson, when she told newsmen, that during a late night discussion on far-right politics last year, Johnson’s behaviour towards her was impeccable

Sanders, 36, told assembled reporters, “Boris and I met at my New York apartment at around 11.00 pm in June of last year, where we spent the evening churning out unsubstantiated lies and rumours about a number of left-leaning politicians, both here in the US and in the UK also.

“We also discussed extreme right-wing ideology and formulated possible schemes for surreptitiously introducing it into mainstream politics in both our countries

“During the entire time, Boris behaved like a perfect gentleman.

“At no stage did he give the impression that he would like to take things a little further, let alone try any inappropriate moves.

“We parted with a warm handshake at the door, although I did think he was going to kiss me on the cheek at one point.

“To be honest, I was a little disappointed as I was wearing a pair of black, lacy, open crotch knickers under my business suit just in case”

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