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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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Boris Hits Back Furiously Following ‘BlowJo’ Scandal

blojo

Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has attempted to deflect from his role in the steamy scenario described in yesterday’s Private Eye magazine in which an MP, believed to be Gavin Williamson, walked into Johnson’s office when he was Foreign Secretary, to find him being given noisy oral relief by his current wife Carrie Johnson, then plain Carrie Symonds.

Johnson, however, was still married to his second wife, Marina, at the time the alleged incident took place.

Shortly after the incident,  now being given the social media hashtag, #blojo, Symonds was given a job by Johnson with a salary of £100,000 per annum. The inference being made by ‘The Eye’ is that she was appointed to the position for ‘services rendered’

However, in typical forthright, rumbustious style, Johnson sought to explain away the accusation, telling newsmen: ‘No story happened. It wasn’t my cock. I’m sorry, it was my cock. I’m not sorry it was my cock. It was a work blow. Let’s wait for Sue Grey. Let’s wait for the Met Police. Let’s wait for the Parliamentary Standards Committee. Let’s move on. The people’s priority is to move on. I’m getting on the job’

Gavin Williamson was approached for comment but his office said that he’s currently unavailable while he continues to recover from the long-term effects of an eye-bleaching episode following the event.

SNP Uproar as Scottish Trawlerman Tells of Steamy Romp With English Scallop

mikey scallop

An unrepentant Boyle issues a defiant message to SNP leaders last night

The entire leadership of the Scottish Nationalist Party expressed their disgust and dismay last night after a Scottish trawlerman told a local newspaper that he’d enjoyed a tawdry sex romp with a scallop that he’d caught earlier in the English Channel.

Michael ‘Buckie Boay’ Boyle, 76, told The Tobermory Bugle: ‘As soon as I spotted that scallop in the net I knew that I had to make her mine.

‘I took her down to the ship’s galley where we shared a bottle of cold Buckfast, fortified with a wee drop of paraffin from the stove.

‘It was shortly afterwards as we relaxed on my bunk that I put my hand on top of her shell and began fondling it gently

‘What happened next was pure electricity.

‘Before I knew it, we were romping together in front of a roaring coal stove.

‘It seemed like the most natural thing in the world and was so different from my usual Saturday night pumping of the wee lassies on the stairhead of my single-end tenement in Maryhill.

‘Yes I know she’s English and will probably support them in the World Cup, but nothing will mar our love and stop us from being together. Not even if England win the final on penalties.’

SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon, slammed Boyle’s antics in a fiery address in the Scottish Parliament last night.

‘This is the worst news possible coming in the immediate wake of our announcement of a new independence referendum in October 2023.

‘Why this man couldn’t have found a Scottish bivalve mollusc to sleep with is beyond me.

‘If I had my way I would banish him from Scotland and make him set up home elsewhere with his English marine floozy.’

In 1987, a Scottish deep-sea diver was chased by an angry mob in Glasgow and beaten to death after footage emerged of him being pleasured by an English octopus on the sea bed just off the coast of Worthing in West Sussex.

Local man experienced ‘Romeoesque; disappointment at lack of key on tuna can

tuna
Tuna with a handy ring pull pictured last night

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that the sense of grief he felt when he found that the tin of tuna he had taken from the cupboard had no ring pull and would have to be manually opened was on a par with the desolation felt by Shakespeare’s star-crossed lover, Romeo, when he wrongly thought that his beloved Juliet was dead.

Toby Dell, a diesel fitter from Leman Street told us: ‘When I realised that the tin had no labour-saving ring pull my grief almost overwhelmed me.

‘At that moment I realised how Romeo must have felt when he mistakenly thought Juliet had checked out.

‘In fact, my sense of upset was even worse than his because I don’t have a can opener and had try to open it with a cold chisel.

‘In the end, I gave up and had cheese and crackers’

Mr Dell’s experience comes just two weeks after a woman from neighbouring Bow told newsmen that the rage she felt after discovering that her packet of custard creams biscuits had no easy-tear tag on the packet was on a par with King Lear’s after finding out that his daughters were plotting his death.

Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Heavyweight Consumer’s Champion

danny sparko meme

Dear Mr Sparko

I’m a 23-year-old single mum of two who has two part-time jobs to try keep our heads above water.
This latest rise in the cost of living has hit me really hard as you can imagine so I was devasted when my landlord demanded an extra two hundred pounds a month rent.
I begged and pleaded but he wouldn’t listen and told me that I must pay or get out.
Please help if you can Danny as I’m sick with worry and scared of being made homeless.

Jade Dell
Whitechapel
London E1

*************************

Dear Jade

I went round to see your landlord last night and straightened him with a right-hander as soon as he opened the door.
I then went in with the boot to his kidneys before stamping on his face, giving him the old 5-millimetre tread.
I then dragged the mug to his feet and stuck the nut on him, breaking his nose and blacking both his eyes.
His old woman then came to the door, begging me to leave it out but I told her to shut it and that it was between me and him.
I then gave him a few big bombs to the body before letting him slide down the wall.
He has now signed an agreement allowing you to live there rent-free while he foots the bill for your food, gas and electric.
I hope this helps sweetheart.
All the best my lovely and don’t hesitate to bell me if this slag doesn’t do as he’s told

Your Pal
Danny

Danny Sparko is vice-president of the Ruptured Spleen Advisory Council

Local woman, conceived out of wedlock, wants to discover if her long-lost father is worth a few quid

cash

A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she would love to find her birth father, who left her mother following a brief holiday fling, to find out if he’s become a wealthy man, with a view to getting a belated handout.

Tracy Dell, a hairdresser and mother of two, told us: ‘I would love to find out who my real daddy is so that I can try to get some cash out of him if he’s got a few bob.’

We asked Mrs Dell if she would also like to find him to establish a belated, albeit close, father/daughter relationship but she replied: ‘No. it’s all about the money, to be honest’

In other related news, the Minister For Brexit Opportunities, Jacob-Rees-Mogg, recently discovered that his real father was a mixed-race, Romanian circus performer, who, due to his lofty, skeletal frame, supple joints and shock of afro-Caribbean-style hair, became a celebrated big top act using the stage name, The Human Bog Brush.

fidel

‘I’ll eat my own body weight in jellied eels to mark Platinum Jubilee’, vows fired-up Fergie

fergie
Fergie pictured posing for our snapper outside The Whelk offices in Whitechapel Road last night

Ex-royal, Sarah Ferguson, last night told The Whitechapel Whelk that she will consume her own body weight in jellied eels and mash to commemorate The Queen’s Platinum Jubilee next Saturday.

Despite being ostracised by The Royal Family after her divorce from Prince Andrew, Fergie has always remained staunchly loyal to Her Majesty and the monarchy in general.

‘Despite everything, I love The Queen’ she told us yesterday.

‘She may not talk to me these days but she’s still number one in my book and the least I can do to honour her seventy years on the throne is to wolf down my entire bodyweight in eels and mash.

‘I’ll make a start bright and early next Saturday at Kelly’s Eel and Pie Shop in Roman Road and won’t stop until the governor tells me I’ve tucked away the requisite amount.

‘I’ve worked out that if I start when they open at lunchtime I should finish about 4.00 pm, taking into account any visits to the ladies for a shit’

A spokesman for Kelly’s told us last night: ‘If she’s going to eat her own weight in eels I’ll make sure our suppliers send in an extra lorry load as she was always a big old sort even when she was with Andy, so gawd alone knows what she weighs nowadays’

In 2019, Fergie marked the 75th anniversary of D-Day by eating twenty-seven ‘Yumbo Jumbo’ stuffed crust pizzas at Papa John’s in London Bridge Road, washing each one down with a one-litre bottle of R. White’s Cream Soda.

Local Couple Enjoyed Sizzling Romp While Download Wizard Watched

firefox

A 50-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she had sex with her husband in front of their laptop computer while downloading the popular Mozilla Firefox browser.

Tracy Dell, a shop worker from Vallance Road, told us: “My husband Toby and I have always been pretty adventurous when it comes to our love life, so when he suggested getting down to it during a Firefox download, I was all for it.

“It happened last Saturday night and I’ll never forget it as long as I live. It was so intense and dangerous, and yet it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

“Toby went out and got some fish and chips while I went upstairs and put on my French maid’s outfit.

“We washed down the fish supper with a few cans and then Toby put the laptop on the coffee table facing us and began the download

“We kissed passionately and then started going at it full pelt in front of the screen.

“The knowledge that the Firefox wizard was downloading the file just a few feet away while we were at it hammer and tongs was delicious, and although Toby had to keep getting up to click on various prompts, it was the most thrillingly erotic experience of our lives”

A spokesman for Mozilla told us: “It’s ridiculous to think that our wizard can see what’s going on in people’s houses during a download, although we have to say that Mrs Dell has a pretty decent rack on her for a woman of her age”

Comrades!: An Everyday Story of Heroic Soviet Folk

comrades

MoNdAy

 The temperature dipped a bit today. When we thawed out the thermometer it read -35.C. Heroic Comrade Cat is missing. We await his glorious return.

“Winter draws on” said Comrade Wife. – I thought that she’d put them on at the start of November! Still, we have a roaring bar on the electric fire and plenty of electricity to power it thanks to our glorious state energy produc…

WE THRUST THE BANNER OF FREEDOM INTO THE TESTICLES OF OUR CRAVEN ENEMIES WHO FLEE BEFORE US LIKE CARRION CROWS!!!

TuESdAY

Comrade Wife has injured herself by slipping on a frozen cow-pat at the collective farm and will be off work for 2 weeks. The doctor has told her to take things easy. I have thoughtfully advised her to take her wheeled shopping trolley with her when she sets off on the ten-kilometre journey through the snow to get my vodka from the market in Voldosgrad. It was touching to see the tears of gratitude well up in her eyes. Still no sign of heroic, Comrade Cat

OUR WOMENFOLK LAUGH AT THE PAMPERED WESTERN TROLLOPS WITH THEIR DECADENT, LABOUR-SAVING, TESCO ‘BUY-ONLINE’ HOME DELIVERY

comrades dancing large

WedNEsDaY

Had a nice quiet night in with Comrade Wife last night. We settled down in front of the TV to watch a heroic, 2-hour display of Cossack dancing by the 731st Infantry Regiment, followed by, ‘Denounce Your Traitorous Neighbour,’ hosted by ‘Cheeky’ Colonel Boranavich from the 21st Moscow NKVD death squad. How the poor downtrodden workers of The West must envy our cultural superiority. Have sent Children #3 and #7 out into snow to search for Comrade Cat

OUR GLORIOUS PIANO ACCORDIANS BRING JOY AND SUCCOUR TO THE WORLD!

ThURsDaY

Spectacular display of the Northern Lights last night. We were totally spell-bound as we looked out of the hole in the wall where the window used to be; marvelling at the coloured beams of light swirling in every direction. How foolish we felt when, this morning, Mr Danolski from downstairs told us that it was actually the local nuclear power station going into melt-down. Comrade wife and myself seem to have developed a slight rash. Still no sign of Children #3 and #7 or Comrade Cat.

WE JOYOUSLY VIOLATE THE SOFT UNDERBELLY OF THE IMPERIALIST JACKALS!

comrades tractor girl

FrIdAy

Joyous news comrades! Heroic Comrade Cat has returned!. All of the family are delighted to see him as we’ve been worried for weeks. There will be special celebratory roast dinner tonight as he has brought a mouse back with him. Have sent Children #2 and #9 out to search for heroic siblings.

RAISE YOUR VOICES IN EXULTATION COMRADES AS WE MARCH ON TO A GLORIOUS NEW DAWN OVER THE TWITCHING BODIES OF OUR IMPERIALIST FOES!

comrades 5

SaTuRdAy

Beetroot gruel supply now dangerously low. Comrade Cat has gone missing again.

“Comrades” was devised and written circa 2010 on a tight budget by decadent plutocrat and Whelk editor, Danny SoZ and western imperialist hyena, Gary Moore

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