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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

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‘Stand-offish’ Meghan refuses to allow newsmen to listen while she goes to the bathroom

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No royal wee: A defiant Meghan pictured last night

The Duchess of Sussex attracted more press criticism yesterday after she requested privacy when she goes to the toilet.

Under-fire, Meghan, was slammed by journalists who were refused permission to listen at the door while she went to the bathroom.

A spokesman for The Financial Times, one of the newspapers concerned, said last night. “This is the type of stand-offish behaviour that attracts criticism and puts all black Americans in a bad light

“We never had this problem with Princess Diana, who was more than happy to invite the media to listen to her on the toilet.

“She would even leave the door open on occasion so we could take a few shots of her pulling her knickers up for the gossip columns”

The Duchess’s press office issued a statement last night “The Duchess has requested that the press afford her some privacy while she goes to the bathroom.

“She feels that it would be undignified for her toilet noises to be made public, particularly now that she’s a mother.”

Meghan’s stance mirrors that of The Queen Mother, who, in 1953, barred newsmen from hiding behind the curtains during her sex romps with King George VI and their Red Setter.

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Boris Calls For Return of Public Hanging

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“Hang some sense into ’em!” Boris pictured campaigning in Surrey last night

In what is being seen as a bid to upstage his fellow prime ministerial hopeful, Jeremy Hunt, Boris Johnson yesterday told a local Conservative Party association that one of the first things he would do as PM would be to reintroduce public hanging.

Speaking in Dorking in Surrey, Johnson told members: “Public hanging is part of our urban culture and heritage and the sooner it’s back on the statute books the better.

“I would move to have the initial hangings carried out outside The Old Bailey, like they used to be in the good old days, with a view to building a public gallows in every major city in the land.

“Revenue would be raised by selling tickets to these events with special discounts for those in the upper tax brackets”

Hunt, who yesterday said he would move to bring back foxhunting, responded by vowing to implement a return to sending little boys up chimneys and to reintroduce keelhauling and the lash as punishments for sodomy in The Royal Navy

I’ll stop bodies falling from aircraft over Britain with my big face says Olly Murs

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Following yesterday’s tragic incident when a stowaway on a Kenya Airlines aircraft fell into the back garden of a sunbather in Clapham, South London, pop icon Olly Murs has offered to use his huge face to prevent his fellow Brits from being killed or injured by falling illegals.

Murs plans to have helium-filled blimps attached to his wrists and ankles so that he hovers a few hundred feet above the ground’

Once in position, his big round face, which has a surface area of 91 kilometres, will act as a ‘safety net’ to catch any falling foreigners hoping to come over here to scrounge off the welfare state.

Murs himself was unavailable for comment last night as he is currently on tour in Croatia, but his mother, Violet, 108, told newsmen: “When Olly heard about the falling immigrant, he immediately offered his services to the government.

“Hopefully, his gigantic dial will do the trick and will protect any Britsh people from being harmed by illegals.

“Although, personally, I’m with Mr Farage and would like to shoot the bloody lot of them”

In related news, pop entrepreneur, Simon Cowell, has also offered to help with the problem by catching any falling foreigners in a pair of his gigantic, hi-waistbanded trousers.

Boris Johnson was perfect gentleman during our night of bare-faced lying and hard-right ideology says, Sarah Sanders

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Sanders strongly denies any contact with Johnson’s Johnson

Ex-Whitehouse press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, last night appeared to fly to the defence of beleaguered British prime ministerial hopeful, Boris Johnson, when she told newsmen, that during a late night discussion on far-right politics last year, Johnson’s behaviour towards her was impeccable

Sanders, 36, told assembled reporters, “Boris and I met at my New York apartment at around 11.00 pm in June of last year, where we spent the evening churning out unsubstantiated lies and rumours about a number of left-leaning politicians, both here in the US and in the UK also.

“We also discussed extreme right-wing ideology and formulated possible schemes for surreptitiously introducing it into mainstream politics in both our countries

“During the entire time, Boris behaved like a perfect gentleman.

“At no stage did he give the impression that he would like to take things a little further, let alone try any inappropriate moves.

“We parted with a warm handshake at the door, although I did think he was going to kiss me on the cheek at one point.

“To be honest, I was a little disappointed as I was wearing a pair of black, lacy, open crotch knickers under my business suit just in case”

Woman singing in holiday market a complete twat judges local man

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Gran Canaria, the paradise isle where the alleged twattery took place

A 42-year-old Whitechapel man last week made a snap judgement that a woman in her 30s that he spotted singing along to a contemporary pop song in a market on the holiday isle of Gran Canaria was highly likely to be, ‘a complete twat’ in her private life.

Toby Dell, from Vallance Road, told us: “As soon as I spotted this dozy bint, singing along to the hit, I realised that the chances of her being a weapons-grade irritant and a complete twat were a nailed-on certainty.

“I was sorely tempted to tell her to belt up and to stop acting the giddy arseole, but I had the wife and kids with me”

Dell’s outburst comes just a week after a woman from neighbouring Shoreditch told newsmen, that in her opinion, a middle-aged woman whom she had seen gyrating slowly to a Spanish pop song in a Pingo Doce supermarket in Albufeira in Portugal was ‘a fucking silly bitch’

Bat Can & Rob Tin: The Completely Ineffectual, Crime-Fighting Tins of Beans

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It was a sultry July afternoon and the heat in Mr Jalfrezi Patek’s Convenience Store in Whitechapel was oppressive.

Bat Can, and his youthful ward, Rob Tin, were on the top shelf of a tinned goods display unit towards the back of the shop.

They were tense and vigilant, conscious of the fact that there had recently been a number of armed raids in the small parade of shops in which they were resident.

Suddenly, and without warning, the shop door was flung open and two masked men entered, brandishing sawn-off shotguns.

They ordered a terrified Mr. Patak to lie on the ground and began filling two large holdalls with cans of fizzy drink, various fresh vegetables, and packets of crisps.

With every sinew as taut as piano wire, Bat Can knew that it was time for himself and his crime-busting sidekick to spring into action to thwart the lawless fiends.

Unfortunately, due to the fact that they were tins of bins, totally incapable of movement, they had to watch helplessly from their shelf as the raiders fled with their valuable booty.

Bat Can & Rob Tin are members of The Utterly Useless League of America.

PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

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Evenin’ all

Policing a big city like London can be a challenging and even a hazardous job on occasion which often results in both myself and my colleagues finding ourselves in harm’s way.

Take yesterday’s pro-Brexit demo outside Parliament, where literally hundreds of people with low IQs vented their anger at the fact that Britain still hasn’t left the EU.

At around 22.00 last night we were called out to an incident involving drunken Brexiteers and a number of left-wing Remain supporters who were holding a noisy counter-demonstration in Whitehall.

We sped to the scene and immediately deployed in a line, separating the two rival groups.

Fortunately, I noticed that The Moon On The Mall pub still had its doors open, so while my colleagues deployed shields and batons in preparation for trouble, I went to the bar and necked lager and Old Bushmills until I spewed up over the barman and shat myself on the way to the gents

Evenin’ all

PC Ted appears courtesy of The Unsteady Gait & Advanced Cirrhosis Bugle

LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

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NEXT WEEK: Brexit Man tries to win Tina back after his new girl calls Jacob Rees-Mogg, ‘a toffee-nosed arseole”

BREAKING

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In other related news, the President has called for a meeting with Bob Airplane-Boeing to discuss the recent catastrophic systems failures on the new 737 airliner.

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