Impudent Local Woman Took It Upon Herself to Move TV Remote Control

A 33-year-old Whitechapel woman has reportedly had the bare-faced effrontery to move the television remote control from the arm of her husband’s armchair to a purpose-designed remote control holder on a nearby coffee table without having first sought permission to do so.

Tracy Dell, a housewife from Leman Street, quite brazenly moved the device last Tuesday, causing her husband, Toby, a great deal of consternation, which resulted in him shouting upstairs to ask what the hell she’d done with it.

Mr Dell, 43, a forklift truck engineer, told The Whelk: ‘At first, I couldn’t believe my eyes when I spotted that the remote was no longer on the arm of my chair.

‘Initially, I thought it might have been knocked to the floor by my wife while hoovering, which would have been bad enough in itself, but then she quite shamelessly informed me that she’d deliberately moved it without so much as a by-your-leave.

‘I don’t mind admitting I was both shocked and disgusted in equal measure.

‘Of course, she tried to brazen it out by bleating on about having put it in its rightful place in its holder, but I was having none of it.

‘I called it out as a deliberate, bare-faced mischievous act, designed to undermine my authority as head of the household, and yet another consequence of this wretched #MeToo movement.

‘I really took her to task and made my feelings clear in no uncertain terms, but instead of apologising for her outrageous behaviour, she flew into a rage and struck me on the head with a wooden rod she uses for unhooking the lounge curtains.

‘I told her straight, that if that was the way she wanted to behave within our marriage, then I wanted no further part in it’

Mr Dell has asked that part of his fee for this interview be donated to The Poplar And District Distressed Mariners’ Mission where he has been living for the last week.

Local Man Badly Beaten Following Wife’s Dog Toy Snub

Maggie pictured during happier times

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man was beaten bloody by his wife when their pet dog presented the woman with a toy that she considered hurtful and dismissive.

The couple’s two-year-old cockapoo was in the habit of selecting a particular soft toy from its basket in the living room to present to each of them according to how long they had been absent from the house.

For example, the cuddly donkey would be brought for a brief visit to the nearby shopping mall, whereas, a day-long trip into town would always warrant the presentation of a brightly-coloured, squeaky doughnut, with various other toys deployed according to the duration of absence.

On the day of the attack, Tracy Dell, also 54, had been on a six-hour shopping trip to London’s Oxford Street.

Upon her return, she was dismayed when the dog, Maggie, brought her a small, battered teddy and not the doughnut, which she felt the length of her absence warranted.

When her husband, Toby, spotted this, he began mocking his wife, telling her that the dog didn’t think much of her and couldn’t care less how long she was out for and probably wouldn’t even notice if she dropped dead in the street.

Mrs Dell responded by battering her husband with a length of copper pipe that she had fetched in from the shed, causing Mr Dell to sustain head injuries that later required over thirty stitches.

Mrs Dell told The Whelk that she had no regrets over the incident and that she would do the same again if the incident were to be repeated in the event that they ever get a new dog, as she has now put the pet in question up for sale.

Local Woman Knifed Husband Following Disappointing Dolphin-Spotting Trip

Dolphins pictured in full view last night

A 54-year-old woman from Whitechapel repeatedly stabbed her husband with a kitchen knife after a holiday dolphin-spotting boat trip ended in failure, an Old Bailey court heard yesterday.

Tracy Dell, a hairdresser from Berner Street, plunged the nine-inch blade into the chest and abdomen of her husband, Toby, after the boat trip’s quest for dolphin sightings off the coast of The Algarve in Portugal proved fruitless.

Mrs Dell admitted attempted murder and assault causing grievous bodily harm but claimed mitigating circumstances.

Under cross-examination from prosecuting counsel, Carter Shannon QC, Mrs Dell told the court:

‘When he booked that boat trip he told me that we’d definitely see dolphins.

‘I was really looking forward to seeing them in the wild instead of on the telly.

It was going to be the highlight of our holiday, so when we didn’t see any, I was gutted and went for him with the knife when we got back to our apartment.

‘Anyone would have done the same in my shoes,’ she insisted.

Giving Mrs Dell a six-month suspended sentence, Judge Helen Shay, told her: ‘While I recognise that you were sorely provoked and that your husband failed you in every way imaginable, I cannot, in all good conscience, condone your actions in this instance.

‘A good beating with a frying pan, combined with the complete withdrawal of conjugal favours for life would have been more than adequate given the severity of this man’s pathetic and utter failure to deliver on a concrete assurance’

In 2010, Judge Shay came in for public and media criticism after awarding a woman from Cripplegate in East London five hundred pounds from the public purse after she killed and subsequently dismembered the corpse of her husband who had taken her on a holiday jeep safari in Nairobi that failed to come across any giraffes.

Local man uneasy about relationship after partner inflates sex doll in bed

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he’s becoming concerned about the stability of his relationship with his partner after she began using a foot pump to inflate a male sex doll before placing it between them in bed.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck mechanic from Dock Street, told us: ‘When my girlfriend first began pumping up that doll I began questioning the direction our relationship was heading.

‘I suppose I tried to convince myself that it was a bit of light-hearted fun, but when she started having noisy sex with the doll on a nightly basis I realised there could be a bit more to it..

‘Over time, I became resentful of the doll and considered puncturing it or, at the very least, letting some of the air out so its penis would be on the soft and less effective, but I didn’t want to upset my partner as she was obviously quite fond of it and had probably forked out quite a few quid for it as they don’t come cheap apparently.

‘She has now started bringing it downstairs and sitting it around the table when we have meals and even chats to it about her day at work or stuff on the news.

‘Last week, we had a short break at the seaside and she told me to pump up the doll on the beach after I’d done the air beds and the beach ball.

‘I had to sit there looking on while she was splashing around in the sea with it.

‘At one point, she got on top of it and began paddling along with her arms.

‘She was trying to make it look all innocent but I’m pretty certain they were having sex, especially after she came up the beach carrying the doll and I noticed traces of fanny batter on its cock and balls.

‘I’m thinking of confronting her with my concerns but don’t want to cause a scene and have her walk out on me as she’s an extremely good cook’

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece it might be an idea to become an Indian fakir and start sleeping on a bed of nails. – Ed

Local Man Had Sizzling Phone Sex During Marriage Guidance Session

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he indulged in phone sex with a female work colleague during a marriage guidance session attended by himself and his wife.

Toby Dell, from Brushfield Street, told us: ‘The wife insisted we undergo marriage guidance as we’ve been going through a rocky patch and I reluctantly agreed.

‘After around ten minutes with the counsellor, this woman at my work that I’ve been sleeping with, rang my mobile and started describing what she’d like to do with me.

‘Fortunately, I had my earbuds in as I was listening to the cricket from Australia so neither my wife nor the counsellor knew what was going on.

‘However, things got so heated between us that I reached a climax and had to muffle my cries of ecstasy by blowing my nose violently into a handkerchief while nodding enthusiastically at the counsellor woman as if I was in strong agreement with everything she was saying.

‘It was hard going, if you’ll pardon the expression, but I think I got away with it’

We spoke to Dell’s wife, Tracy, last night who confirmed that she is now leaving him.

‘I knew full well what he was up to’ she told us. 

‘Apart from all the fake nose-blowing and nodding, he was sweating like a nun in a dildo factory.

‘My suspicions were finally confirmed when he took off his underpants before getting into bed, and, as he peeled them away from his skin, it sounded like somebody tearing up the phonebook’

Local woman takes own life following lover’s hairy toe jibe

A 24-year-old Whitechapel woman has drowned after throwing herself into Wapping Dock following a careless remark from her boyfriend who pointed out she had hairy toes.

Tracy Dell, a beautician from Leman Street, ran from her home in a grief-stricken frenzy after the remark and threw herself into the dock at high tide from where her body was later recovered by a Thames River Police launch.

Her boyfriend, Caden Carter, 26, told The Whelk: ‘If I’d realised she would take it so badly, I would have kept my mouth shut.

‘Her toes weren’t even that hairy. There was some light downy shit on there, but that was about it.’

This tragedy comes almost a year after another of Carter’s girlfriends died after setting fire to herself in Dock Street following an off-the-cuff, fairly innocuous remark about her having a bit of an early-stage moustache going on.

Ask Jane Austin-Morris: No-Nonsense 19th Century Relationship Counsellor

Dear Miss Austin-Morris

Pray allow me to introduce myself and to beg your counsel in a matter of the heart which I have found greatly troubling of late.

I am a gentleman of four and thirty years, high-born and with a considerable fortune. I live in an extremely agreeable, some would say sumptuous, manner in a large, well-appointed house in Hertfordshire.

However, despite all these trappings of wealth, I find myself miserable in the extreme. For you see madam, my heart no longer belongs to me. I have given it most wholeheartedly to a young woman who despises me and who shuns my presence at every turn.

She is one of five sisters, all daughters to a local businessman, a thoroughly respectable family of moderate means for whom I have the utmost affection and respect.

Elizabeth, for that is indeed the name of my dear one, is the eldest sister, a beautiful creature of somewhat haughty bearing who spurns my society at every turn despite my most ardent entreaties.

I have endeavoured to curry her admiration by assisting her whenever possible in her times of greatest need. I have even aided her youngest sister, a flighty and foolish little thing, by exposing her faithless new husband as a carousing blackguard, a feckless adventurer who will surely lead the poor creature to ruin.

My own family’s equilibrium has also been greatly disturbed due to my unfettered, and most ardent regard for this lady.

I have attracted the displeasure of my aunt, a wizened and taciturn harridan, and her daughter, a most disagreeable and unsightly creature, who both baulk greatly against my attempts to pay my suit to my beloved one.

Despite all my efforts, however, she remains cool of mien and is unmoved by my most earnest entreaties to become my wife.

I, therefore, beg of you madam, to guide me with your sound advice and bring me succour in this most distressing matter.

I fear that if I do not make her mine I shall lose all hope and seek inner peace by joining my father’s regiment and will embark to foreign shores to fight, and, if necessary, die, for my King and country.

Without her you see madam, death holds no dominion over me and if I am to be slain in battle, then let it be known that her precious name will be the last words on my lips.

I remain, madam, your most humble servant

Mr Darcy

Lakeview Towers

Hertfordshire

********************

My Dear Mr Darcy

Have you tried swimming across a lake fully clothed before advancing towards the young lady with your cock and balls hanging out?

Your humble servant sir

Jane Austin-Morris (Miss)

Local woman’s search for portable toilet led to bungled suicide bid

A 32-year-old Whitechapel woman tried unsuccessfully to commit suicide after the new man in her life discovered that she’d been searching the internet for a portable toilet that she could use during her regular fishing trips on the upper reaches of The Thames.

Tracy Dell, a beautician from Leman Street, was found with her head in the gas oven by her new partner, who pulled her to safety.

Speaking to a Whelk reporter last night, the 20-year-old man, who wished to remain anonymous, told us: ‘When she came round after I’d thrown a bucket of water over her, she told me that the shame of my discovering her search for the portable toilet had pushed her over the edge.

‘To be honest, I wasn’t that bothered about it and certainly now regret taking the mickey out of her about it after finding the search on her phone.

‘After all, it’s better than having a clearout in the doorway of Robert Dyas in Tottenham Court Road like I did last Saturday after a skinful in the boozer across the road.

This incident comes just two weeks after another local woman died after setting fire to herself in the street following an incident in which she’d visited the toilet in her new boyfriend’s flat only to find that a malfunctioning ball valve in the cistern had resulted in a failure to flush which had left a tell-tale ‘peeper’ protruding from the hidden bend.