Search

The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

Category

relationships

Watching Rumpole Of The Bailey has turned Meghan and Harry into shape-shifting howler monkeys, says David Icke

howler-monkey
Harry and Meghan pictured opening a barber’s shop in Cripplegate, East London last night

Britain’s most prominent conspiracy theorist, David Icke, has told his followers that Prince Harry and his wife, Meghan Markle, have been transformed into Sumatran Howler Monkeys after watching a box set of the popular legal drama, Rumpole of The Bailey.

In a recent video clip on the Telegram social media platform, Icke states: “There can be no doubt whatsoever that Harry and Meghan now have the ability to shift shape at will and have become howler monkeys, and it’s all down to binge-watching, legal drama, Rumpole Of The Bailey

‘If you send me some money via my website I will give you the irrefutable proof, along with a first-hand account of how my son walked past their garden a few weeks ago and spotted them both sitting in the branches of a tree, eating bananas, picking fleas out of each other’s back hair and emitting occasional ear-splitting howls.

‘You have to send at least twenty quid though, otherwise, you’ll never get wise to their little game’

Icke’s shock claims come hot on the heels of a recent assertion by Britain’s Got Talent judge and self-proclaimed free-thinker, Amanda Holden, that Prince Edward and his wife, Sophie, are actually ‘Transfomer-like’ beings that can turn into mobile phone masts that emit killer 5G rays at the wanton behest of madcap billionaire, Bill Gates.

Local woman found hanged following shock-induced flatulence incident

Colonie gas leak cleaned up after major rupture

A 23-year-old woman from Whitechapel in East London was found hanged in her bathroom on Tuesday night following an incident in the street on the previous evening when she noisily broke wind in front of her new boyfriend who had surprised her by jumping out in front of her from a shop doorway in Commercial Street.

Tracy Carter, a beautician from Berner Street, had told friends that it was the most embarrassing day of her life and that she was struggling to come to terms with it.

The man concerned in the incident, Toby Dell, 25, a diesel-fitter from Mile End, told us: “I spotted Tracy walking past Spitalfields Market and decided to surprise her.

“I ducked into a doorway and jumped out in front of her when she drew level.

“She screamed and then unleashed this enormous, double-barrelled fart. It was a real rip-snorter and loads of people turned around and looked at her.

“I actually thought it was pretty funny but she got really upset and ran off down the street.

“The ironic part of it was that she actually let fly with a few minor squeakers as she took off.

“To be fair, it was the first time she’d ever done that in front of me, although, you can bet your bottom dollar she used to fart privately. That’s women all over in my view.

“She was a nice girl though and I’m pretty sorry she’s hanged herself, although, I have to say, I think she overreacted a bit”

This incident comes just two weeks after a 19-year-old girl from neighbouring Spitalfields threw herself into Wapping Dock and drowned after repeatedly failing to flush a stubborn ‘submarine’ down the toilet at her new boyfriend’s flat in Silvertown, only managing to reduce it to a ‘peeper’.

Comic Book Shocker: Batman’s Grandad To Be Unveiled as Trans Lesbian, says DC

gay superman

Just days after the shock news that DC Comics have decided to expose Superman’s son, Jon, as bi-sexual, the comic giant has now revealed that in a forthcoming issue of Batman, the Caped Crusader’s grandfather will undergo a sex change operation, turning him from a hick farmer in Michigan into a female with strong lesbian tendencies.

In a brief statement, a spokesperson for DC said last night: “We have decided to reflect today’s more tolerant and diverse society by making Batman’s grandad a transsexual with a liking for the occasional bout of clam noshing.

“There won’t be anything too graphic. Readers will just see him going into a private clinic in his farmer’s overalls before emerging the next day with a beehive hairdo and wearing a dress.”

This latest move comes just weeks after Marvel Comics revealed that The Mighty Thor’s father and ruler of Asgard, Odin, is going to be exposed as a sexually insane secret cross-dresser who gets caught by his wife, Freya, wearing her corsets and wanking in the bathroom to images in an amputee-dwarf grumble mag.

Local man almost certain girlfriend had bowel movement on first date

pretty
A girl pictured pretending she doesn’t need to go to the toilet last night

A 23-year-old man from Aldgate in East London has claimed to be “99% certain” that a young woman he had just cooked dinner for at his flat went to the toilet and opened her bowels shortly after dessert.

Toby Dell, an electrical engineer, told The East London Gazette: “It was our first date and we were both feeling pretty nervous and a little awkward too I guess.

I had made us steak and kidney pie with peas and mash and my new girlfriend seemed to really enjoy it.

It was just after we’d eaten our dessert of rhubarb crumble and custard that I noticed a change in her demeanour. She kept fidgeting in her chair and wouldn’t look me in the eye.

“She then excused herself and went to the bathroom.

Her movements at this point were hurried and a little furtive, and she kept her head down as she walked past me.

She must have been gone for well over five minutes, during which I heard her cough loudly at least four or five times. I can only assume she was trying to drown out the splashes.

“After she’d pulled the chain, she remained in there for quite a while, presumably waiting for the bubbles to go from the top of the water so she could check for any tell-tale floaters or submarines.

“When she came back, her face was pretty red and she avoided eye contact for quite some time.

I tried to smooth things over by making a few light-hearted remarks about the noisy plumbing, but it only seemed to make matters worse and she left shortly after, saying that she had to get up early for work.

“After she’d gone, I went to the bathroom myself and it was pretty obvious she’d been spraying perfume in there to mask the stench of rotting greens”

When asked if he’d be seeing her again, he told us that he would, but would only be serving drinks and a few dry biscuits.

Local girl found dead following gently corrective toe-trainer humiliation

toe
A toe-trainer pictured last night

A 19-year-old Whitechapel woman took her own life after her boyfriend launched a bitter attack when he discovered that she was using a gently corrective toe-trainer to straighten a defective little toe that was slightly out of alignment with the one next to it.

The deceased girl, Cherie Carter, a beautician from Thrawl Street, was founded hanged in her bedroom at the weekend.

She had previously told a friend that her boyfriend reacted furiously when he discovered the device on the bedroom floor after spending the night with her last Monday.

Tracy Dell, 18, from Commercial Street, told The Whelk: “When Cherie’s fella found the toe-trainer he went ballistic apparently.

“According to Cherie, he was a bit of a weirdo with a thing for women’s feet and I suppose the realisation that she needed an artificial aid to keep hers in shape was a big disappointment and he lost the plot.

“Hopefully, now that she’s killed herself, he’ll feel guilty about his behaviour and carry the burden of her death to his grave”

This incident comes almost a year to the day after a 23-year-old Shoreditch woman drowned herself in the Thames at Wapping Dock when her fiance broke off their engagement after finding that she wore a built-up shoe to disguise the fact that she had one leg shorter than the other.

Dolly Parton’s husband used her warbling throat to make smoothies, says former housemaid

dolly
Dolly and Carl pictured earlier

A 63-year-old woman who worked as a housemaid for country and western legend, Dolly Parton, has told a Whelk reporter that she often saw Parton’s husband, Carl Dean, placing glasses of milk containing bananas, strawberries and other soft fruits against his wife’s neck while she practised her singing at their home in Nashville, Tennessee, as a money-saving method of making smoothies.

Mary Carter, also from Nashville, told us: “I saw Mr Parton do it a lot.

“He was a bit of a health nut and loved his smoothies.

“He told me he saved around a hundred dollars a year using this method.

“He had to be careful though because if he held the glass against her throat during some of the real wobbly-sounding songs like Jolene, the milk used to froth up too much and would spill over down the sides”

In 1993, a former housekeeper to pop icon, Whitney Huston, told a magazine that she once saw a workman holding a bucket containing cement and ballast against the singer’s chest while she sang the vibrato parts in ‘I Will Always Love You’ to make concrete for her garden path

Local man felt brief and very fleeting interest in girlfriend’s relationship discussion 

boy girl

A 35-year-old man from Whitechapel last night claimed to have experienced a brief moment of vague interest during a heart to heart talk with his girlfriend, who wished to discuss where their relationship was going.

Toby Dell, a motor vehicle technician from Berner Street revealed:

“It was last Saturday night and I was looking forward to Match Of The Day when my girlfriend, suddenly and without warning, began to discuss our relationship and her hopes and fears for our future together.

“Naturally, I zoned out immediately and started wondering about the number of cans of beer I had left in the fridge. I even got up and checked at one point to set my mind at rest.

“However, as soon as I sat back down she began talking about how our relationship had developed over the last year and how she hoped we could move up to a new level if we really committed to each other and learned to concentrate on the important things.

“It was when she began to reminisce about how we’d first met that I suddenly felt a fleeting moment of interest.

“I began to vaguely recall how I’d dumped my previous girlfriend to take up with her, and started to wonder if I still had those pics of my ex in her underwear on my phone.

“I had a quick check to make sure and fortunately, they were still there. I sighed with relief and began to mentally go over the day’s football results as my girlfriend moved on to how she sometimes felt taken for granted and unimportant.

“Luckily, she had just started to talk about her best friend’s wonderful relationship, and how she and her fiance were planning a June wedding, when the match started and I was able to send her out to get me another beer while I put the headphones on to listen to the commentary in peace”

This latest revelation comes just two weeks after a man from Sheffield claimed to have expressed a half-hearted opinion on interior decor when his girlfriend told him she was thinking of painting the downstairs toilet.

Local Lion-Tamer Eaten Alive On First Working Day After Furlough

lion-tamer-1861-granger
Happier times. Dell puts Dave through his paces just prior to the second lockdown

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has been mauled and then eaten by a circus lion that he was attempting to tame in his backyard.

Toby Dell, a lion-tamer for 22 years, had just returned to work after being furloughed during the health crisis by Sofia Dee’s Circus, his employers for the last 10 years.

Dell’s wife, Tracy, 52, who found her husband’s remains, told The Whelk: “Toby was really excited about going back to work after a long lay-off and decided to get some lion-taming practice in with our own pet lion, Dave, who lives in a converted shed in our back garden

“I came home from shopping and found some of Toby’s bones strewn around the yard along with his tunic and boots that Dave must have spat out after eating him.

“I’d forgotten to give Dave his breakfast this morning so it’s probably down to that. I feel a bit guilty now, to be honest.

“Only last week, I told him to pack in the lion-taming and take up a safer profession but he told me he loved his job and would carry on until his dying day.

“Now, those words have come back to bite him in the arse. Quite literally in his case”

Circus-owner and Dell’s employer, Sofia Dee, told us: “I can’t believe he’s gone.

“We’ve been paying twenty per cent of his wages for the last year, not to mention his national insurance contributions.

“I just hope we can claim some of it back from the social security”

Mr Dell’s remains will hopefully be interred at Mile End Cemetary next week, although it largely depends on how soon Dave has a bowel movement.

Right-Wing Couple Engage In Race War Following African Link Revelation

mike and shirley
Steeden and Blamey in happier times before finding out that they both had a touch of the tar brush

An extreme right-wing couple have been attacking each other with racist slurs since discovering that all of mankind can trace its roots back to the African continent.

Mike Steeden, 80, and his 40-year-old partner, Shirley Blamey, have been locked in a bitter race war since reading about man’s links to Africa in The Guardian newspaper.

The pair, have been racially abusing one another online and have even been taunting one another with monkey chants when one of them enters a room.

Steeden, a retired caretaker from Kentish Town in West London, told us: “We used to get on like a house on fire before I found out she was basically as black as the ace of spades.

“Now, I avoid being in the same room and don’t allow her to cook dinner in case she puts poison in the yams or flobs in the curry goat with rice and peas.

“Prior to reading that piece in the paper, I’d had no inkling that she was a bloody foreigner, much less, a damn wog.

“Now, I’m taking steps to have her joint tenancy agreement revoked so I can throw her out.

“Let her go and live in Brixton or Hoxton with her own kind”

Ms Blamey refused to be interviewed but we understand that she has starting daubing racist graffiti on Steeden’s car and has told friends that she had suspected something was not quite right when she noticed he was fairly good at basketball and dancing.

A notice has now gone up in the window of the boarding house they run in Southend in Essex: ‘NO DOGS, NO IRISH, NO BLACKS, NO US.’

EDITOR’S NOTE: Mike and Shirley are both dear friends of mine and I’m absolutely certain they won’t take exception to being portrayed as facist lunatics. In fact…BLAM!…*thud*

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑