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Olly Murs denies fathering big-faced Prince George of Cambridge

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Murs pictured in combative mood last night

Big-faced pop icon, Olly Murs, last night furiously scotched rumours that he is the father of Prince George of Cambridge after a number of royal watchers remarked on the similarity between the singer and the massively-faced royal tot.

Speaking to a Whelk reporter from his home in Surrey, a clearly upset Murs said: “There’s no way I’m Prince George’s dad.

“I accept that he has a huge face like mine, but that doesn’t mean I’ve slept with Kate Middleton.

“I’ve only met the Duchess once when she came backstage after a gig, and although there was definitely a spark between us, I didn’t take the opportunity to give her one.

“Anyway, loads of kids of that age have big faces.

“Just look at Jacob Rees-Mogg’s youngest boy.

Even though his dad’s a rat-faced, skinny sod, the kid’s dial looks like it’s been run over by a steamroller”

A spokesman for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge said last night: “There’s no way Olly Murs is George’s dad and if that Jeremy Kyle Show was still on the telly Prince William would take a paternity test live on air to prove it”

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Australian Police Launch Nationwide Hunt For Man Suspected Of Initiating Foreplay With Girlfriend

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Problems Down Under etc

Australian police were on full alert last night as news broke that a 35-year-old Sidney man may have attempted to stimulate his girlfriend sexually prior to intercourse. 

The 33-year-old woman concerned is believed to be in a shocked and distressed condition and was being cared for by relatives last night.

A spokesman for the Sidney Police Department spoke briefly to reporters last night: “A 33-year-old female has reported to us that a male Sidney resident attempted to commit an unselfish sexual act with her prior to consensual sex taking place. 

“We are taking this matter extremely seriously and we urge women in the area to be extra vigilant and to alert police immediately if approached by this man. 

“We also appeal to other women to come forward if they have ever experienced wonderfully pleasurable or deeply satisfying sex at the hands of this individual”

The man is described as being 6′ 2″ in height, of medium build with dark wavy hair and blue eyes. Police suspect he may be carrying a bunch of flowers and be employing what they describe as, ‘a friendly, affectionate and caring disposition’

A forensic team entered the man’s apartment late last night and emerged carrying a number of items which reportedly included a collection of romantic poems, a box of heart-shaped chocolates and a number of books on the female orgasm.

This latest news will shock the entire nation, still struggling to come to terms with the case of the Melbourne man who was caged for 12 years last month for taking his socks off prior to making love to his fiancée during a romantic two-week break in Bali.

Woman in loving relationship unable to quell inappropriate thoughts about Tom Hardy.

 

A 35-year-old woman from Whitechapel in East London has told us, that, despite her best efforts, she is unable to curb her lustful thoughts about the actor, Tom Hardy, even though she’s in a loving and fulfilling relationship with a man she describes as her ‘soul mate’

Tracy Dell, a legal secretary, wept as she told us: “I love my partner so much, he truly is my soul mate and the love of my life.

“However, whenever I see Tom Hardy on TV, I start fantasising about seeing him naked and romping with him in front of a roaring log fire where he takes me roughly over and over until he’s sated’

“It always ends with him lying beside me on the rug, sweating heavily and panting from his exertions.

“I haven’t gone so far as to think of Tom when my partner and I make love, but it’s probably only a matter of time.

“It makes me feel so dirty and even unfaithful to my man when I have these thoughts and desires”

Miss Dell’s revelation comes just two weeks after a woman from Shoreditch told The Whelk that she makes her husband wear a Johnny Depp, Captain Jack Sparrow outfit on Friday nights before he’s allowed to give her a weekend scuttling.

Bride shuns wedding, blows up groom’s mother

A bride-to-be failed to show up at her own wedding last week, choosing instead to blow up her future mother-in-law using high explosives.

Tracy Dell, 22, from Whitechapel in East London told The Whelk that she’d reached the end of her tether due to the woman’s constant interference with the wedding arrangements.

“She was on my case, morning, noon and night,” she told us.

“If it wasn’t the guest list, the bridesmaid’s dresses, or the seating arrangements, she was banging on about my choice of food for the buffet.

“The last straw came when she told me to switch from being a Roman Catholic to a Jew so that she could make matzo balls and chicken soup for the reception.

“I looked up the ingredients and the method for bomb-making online, and on the morning of the wedding, left the device in her kitchen after calling in on the pretext of discussing the honeymoon arrangements.

“When I heard the explosion and looked back at her house in ruins it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders”

This latest incident comes just 2 weeks after a 23-year-old man from neighbouring Shoreditch bundled his 67-year-old future mother-in-law into the lion enclosure at London Zoo after the woman had criticised his choice of top hat for the big day.

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Local man excited that girlfriend wants a long hard chat

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A girl pictured in long hard chat mode

A 22-year-old Whitechapel man was last night eagerly awaiting the long hard chat that his girlfriend of two years had insisted they have earlier today.

Toby Dell, a market trader from Vallance Road, told us: “I can’t wait to find out what it is she wants to chat about.

“To be honest, we’ve not really been communicating like we used to ever since she found out I’d slept with her mum and younger sister.

“And then there were the sex line calls that I used her card to pay for, and the sexually transmitted disease misunderstanding.

“She’s obviously realised that she has been unreasonable and wants to apologise in person”

In other related news, a 20-year-old man who was caught wearing his girlfriend’s bra and knickers was found hanged at his home after she told him she wanted, ‘a serious discussion about where their relationship was going’

CRIME DESK: Local woman killed partner who turned off Mr Blue Sky before the end

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Mr Carter pictured shortly after the attack

A Whitechapel woman murdered her boyfriend in cold blood after he switched off the radio at their home before the end of Mr Blue Sky by ELO, a court heard yesterday.

Tracy Dell, 42, attacked her live-in lover, Steven Carter, 47, with a pickaxe handle at their home in Vallance Road on December 23 last year.

“Dell’s barrister, Michael Higgins QC, told the court that Ms Dell lost control after Carter turned off the radio just before the soaring violin crescendo at the end and the subsequent vibrato vocal in which vocalist, Jeff Lynn, sings, ‘Mister Blue Sky’ in a tremulous voice.

“It’s her favourite bit” he explained to the jury. “Is it any wonder that she was filled with murderous rage? ”

Sentencing Dell to life with a 25-year recommendation, Judge William Shay QC, told her: “You are clearly a ruthless and dangerous woman who will resort to any lengths to listen to your favourite bits at the end of records, including cold-blooded murder”

Dell’s crime mirrors that of a 32-year-old woman from neighbouring Cripplegate, who murdered her husband with a hatchet last year after he began talking during the introduction to Wilson Picket’s classic, In The Midnight Hour.

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DISCLAIMER: The editorial team and the entire writing staff on The Whitechapel Whelk would like to point out that we are all confirmed feminists.

This is because, Sofia, our graphics editor is one, and despite the fact that she’s really pretty, we are all shit scared of her -Ed.

Local woman’s hairy toe discovery led to murder

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A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman killed her partner in cold blood after discovering a small clump of dark hairs on her big toe, an Old Bailey jury was told yesterday.

Tracy Ree, a legal secretary from Dock Street, attacked her partner, Toby Dell, 27, a self-employed forklift truck mechanic, with an axe after making the discovery on the evening of June 16 last year.

Prosecuting counsel, Carter Shay QC, told the court that Ms Ree had complained to the deceased after spotting the hairs and that he’d made light of the issue, calling her, Big Foot, and, Hairy Mary.

The plaintiff then allegedly flew into a murderous rage and attacked Mr Dell with an axe, severing his head and one of his legs.

The court heard that Ms Ree then tried to dispose of his body by dismembering the corpse and boiling the body parts on the stove.

The cooked remains were then left out in the street for urban foxes and local stray dogs to consume.

However, police were alerted when a West Highland Terrier belonging to a neighbour came home with one of Mr Dell’s arms in its jaws.

The neighbour concerned immediately called the police after recognising one of Mr Dell’s tattoos.

The case continues

In other news, a 23-year-old woman from Cripplegate in East London was sentenced to a full life term yesterday after a court found her guilty of dissolving her husband in a vat of sulphuric acid after shooting him dead for laughing at her new hairdo.

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