I sexually harassed myself in the workplace says quarantined home-worker

That’s easy for them to say

A 47-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London has told this newspaper that he made lewd remarks and carried out a number of unwanted sexual advances towards himself while working from home under lockdown

Toby Dell, a graphics designer from Leman Street told us: “The first time it happened was when I tried to commit an inappropriate act with myself just two days after I’d started working from home

“I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the screen of my PC and realised for the first time how attractive I was.

“The next thing I knew, I felt my own hand on my knee. I tried slapping it away but I was very persistent and it began moving higher.

“I told myself to stop and that I wasn’t interested, but I refused to listen and began rubbing my private parts over my clothes.

“Before I could call out for help, I had tugged my penis from my trousers and had begun to masturbate furiously, eventually blowing my custard all over the screen and keyboard

“I then just cleaned up and carried on as if nothing untoward had happened

“I felt used and dirty and I just know that this will haunt me for the rest my life”

In other related news, a 32-year-old man from neighbouring Aldgate is taking himself to an industrial tribunal after being forced to make love to himself while he watched during a 7-day self-isolation period.

Covid-19 girl catches entire family masturbating

An 18-year-old girl from Whitechapel in East London who has been bedbound with coronavirus has told us that she came downstairs for the first time in 9-days and found her entire quarantined family, including her parents and grandparents, masturbating in front of the television as they watched a saucy movie.

Tracy Dell from Leman Street told The Whelk: “I’ll never forget it as long as I live

“I finally felt strong enough to get out of bed after 9-days with really bad covid, so I thought I’d come down and surprise everyone.

“I opened the lounge door and noticed that all the curtains were drawn and that the television was showing a hardcore sex scene involving at least five people.

“I then noticed that my entire family were semi-naked and were pleasuring themselves noisily as they watched the action.

“I was so shocked I let out a scream and they all started fumbling with their clothing.

“My mum jumped up really quickly, dragging her knickers up and smoothing down her dress.

“She tried to pretend nothing was wrong and came over to give me a hug, but I pulled away in disgust

“The only person in the room who didn’t react to me coming in was my grandad who’s deaf. He just carried on until he eventually blew his custard”

It is estimated that since lockdown began, over 20,000 litres of scalding spadge and fanny batter have been emitted from British self-isolators and elderly people practising shielding.

Kim Mystery: Did North Korean despot take own life after bungled suicide pact with Lorraine Kelly

A heartbroken Kelly pictured last night

Speculation over the rumoured death of North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-un, reached fever pitch last night when news broke that the 39-year-old despot may have taken cyanide in a failed suicide love pact with, Scottish, breakfast TV presenter, Lorraine Kelly.

A source from inside the secretive state told Reuters: “Kim and Lorraine have been an item for well over 6-months after he spotted her interviewing Harry Styles on his private telly and asked her out on a date via Tinder.

“The Dear Leader was absolutely besotted and it’s believed that he suggested that they take their own lives in a suicide pact after she told him they could never be together because of her work on Good Morning.

“He was found dead on Saturday morning with a picture of Lorraine interviewing Tom Hanks clutched to his chest”

Kelly spoke briefly to reporters outside her London home last night: “Yes, Kim and I were an item for a while but I told him there was no future in it.

“As for a suicide pact, I had no knowledge of it as I’ve deliberately not been reading his texts.

“Dead you say? Och, the puir wee thing”

In 1998, the murderous Cambodian tyrant, Pol Pot, was rumoured to have shot himself when he was knocked back after sending a date request to Scottish pop icon, Lulu.

Mrs Bridges from Upstairs Downstairs schooled me in love says Vigo Mortensen

Mortensen (right) pictured returning from his one hour of exercise with a socially distanced new squeeze last night

Danish/American heartthrob actor, Vigo Mortensen, has told The Whitechapel Whelk that Mrs Bridges, the formidable cook out of the popular 70s period drama, Upstairs Downstairs, engaged in a steamy romp with the young actor during a brief stay in London in 1972.

“I was a shy teenager when I arrived in London for a two-week holiday,” he told us. “But thanks to Mrs Bridges, I went home a skilled lover and feeling ten-feet tall.

“It began after Mrs Bridges spotted me in a cafe in Cable Street in East London

“She came and sat at my table and began to tell me that she was the cook in Upstairs Downstairs and was making over two-hundred pounds a week.

“She was a big woman but there was something about her that lit a fire within me and I didn’t hesitate when she asked me back to her place in Lambeth Palace Road.

“Within minutes of getting inside, we were tearing each other’s clothes off.

“She was still wearing her cook’s outfit and I had to struggle to undo her pinny at the back.

“Moments later, we were rolling around naked in front of a roaring log fire

“It seemed like the most natural thing in the world

“At the height of her passion, she kept calling out, “How many for dinner tonight, Mr ‘udson?”

“I left the following morning after she’d cooked me a hearty breakfast of devilled kidneys, lightly poached quails eggs, accompanied by petit fours and grilled artichoke hearts in a piquant tomato and basil sauce.

“She taught me to love that night, and to this very day, if I catch an old episode of Upstairs Downstairs on UK Gold, I have to stumble hurriedly from the room and pleasure myself to completion, my mind filled with fevered thoughts of her ample bosom and delicious whipped creampie”

Sadly, Mrs Bridges passed away in 1974, but a family member told us that she often spoke fondly of Mortensen and would remark that he’d probably play Aragorn in Lord Of The Rings one day.

Local woman slams partner’s ‘pathetic’ performance after semaphore sex romp

A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman has berated her boyfriend’s sexual performance, branding it, ‘pathetic’, after the pair had indulged in a steamy romp using semaphore flags.

Tracy Dell, a hairdresser from Dock Lane, told a Whelk reporter: “We’d not been able to meet up for regular sex due to the lockdown, so I hit upon the idea of doing it by semaphore from the roofs of our blocks of flats which are quite close to each other.

“I made a real effort on the night. I did my hair and makeup and put on a revealing, off the shoulder cocktail dress before going up to the roof

“I knew he was impressed because he started signalling in an excited manner as soon as he saw me, but I was more interested in the long game, so I signalled that I was putting my dressing gown on to keep the cold out.

“He slowed down a bit then but as soon as I signalled that I was climbing into bed he began signalling furiously. At one point he was going so fast I couldn’t even make out what he was saying.

“Suddenly his flags went limp at his sides and I could see that he was lighting a cigarette.

“I signalled that I could wait another half an hour but he wasn’t interested.

“He then gave the standard signing off signal and left the roof.

“A bit later, I had a look through my binoculars and spotted him in his flat on his Playstation. Absolutely pathetic”

Miss Dell’s revelations come just a week after a 22-year-old woman from neighbouring Aldgate complained that her boyfriend, who had been drinking heavily in his flat in Spitalfields, was unable to gain an erection, despite the fact that she told him she was wearing a French maid’s outfit via Morse code.

New Coronavirus Blow: Princess Beatrice wedding guest list to be restricted to two privileged oxygen thieves

The nation was dealt another hammer-blow yesterday when news broke that the wedding guest list of Princess Beatrice and millionaire property developer, Edoardo Mapelli Mozzi, is to be restricted to just two complete waste of space toffs due to the coronavirus scare.

As of yet, the couple have not announced which pair of privileged, plummy-voiced pillocks they have chosen, although a royal insider has intimated that it will probably be Beatrice’s waste of skin sister, Eugenie, and her ocean-going twat of a husband, Jack Brooksbank.

The Archbishop of Canterbury, who has been booked to officiate at the couple’s nuptials inside Buckingham Palace on May 29, told newsmen: “This is obviously very unfortunate for the young couple, but these are troubled times and if it means restricting the guest list to just two entitled, braying arseoles then so be it.”

The British media gave a mixed reaction last night, with the Socialist Worker calling the news, ‘Great stuff’, while The Daily Mail and The Express blamed the situation on ‘ Bremoaner snowflakes’ and Meghan Markle respectively.

Say Yes To The Dress bride slays 15 at reception

A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman was in police custody last night after she ran amok with a butcher’s cleaver at her wedding reception leaving 15 guests dead.

Tracy Carter, a hairstylist from Vallance Road, was featured in the hit TV show, Say Yes To The Dress, last December where she chose her bridal gown aided by friends and female family members.

Guests at the plush reception at the Inn On The Park hotel in Plaistow, East London, looked on in disbelief as Carter raced onto the dancefloor and began hacking at guests with the weapon, leaving some victims decapitated.

There is currently no clear motive for Carter’s actions although there is speculation that she may have become enraged when the wedding photographer began taking pictures of guests as they took to the dancefloor.

The groom, Toby Dell, a toolmaker from Shoreditch, aged 27, told a reporter from the East London Gazette: “Tracy loved being the centre of attention and I think that she just lost her rag when the photographer began taking smudges of the other guests

“To be honest, it looks like I’ve had a bloody lucky escape. Imagine having to live the rest of your life with that nutter”

A spokesperson for Say Yes To The Dress said last night: “We’re obviously very sorry that one of our featured brides has gone off the rails like this, but people need to understand that a bride is under tremendous pressure on the big day so it’s hardly surprising when one of them runs amok like this from time to time”

Miss Carter appears at Whitechapel Magistrates Court on Monday charged with murder, affray, and leaving her wedding limousine in a disabled parking bay.

Local man falls in love with suction hook

A 54-year-old man has told The Whitechapel Whelk that he has fallen deeply in love with a small green suction hook given to his wife as a gift and that he won’t rest until he has made the item his for all eternity.

Toby Dell, a carpet-fitter from Dock Street, told us: “As soon as I laid eyes on that hook I was in its spell

I know it sounds crazy but I fell and I fell hard. It made me feel like no other household item has ever done before.

“Its lime-coloured plastic coating and the subtle curve of its suction base set my senses on fire, sending pulses of hot blood racing through my body.

“When my wife stuck it to the tiles behind the kitchen sink and hung the dishcloth on it, I almost lost control.

“The overwhelming desire to fondle myself while running my hands over its body was so intense that I almost passed out.

“When my wife went upstairs to put the washing in the airing cupboard, I seized my chance

” I tore off my clothes and pressed my lips to its beautiful, moulded plastic body, my tongue lapping hungrily at its curves

“I then spent as I have never spent before, my whole body shaking under the force of my shattering climax.

“It seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

“I now intend to remove it from the tiles and take it with me to somewhere we will never be found.

“I want to spend the rest of my life with that hook in my arms and woe betide anyone who tries to stop me”

In other related news, a woman from neighbouring Poplar has left family and friends stunned after running off to Prague with a tea-strainer.

Survey: More of Britain’s elderly now send grandchildren to bed early so they can have sex

According to a recent report, there has been a sharp increase in the number of people over 60 who are sending their grandchildren to bed early so that they can have sex on the sofa.

With many parents using their own mothers and fathers to take care of their children while they are at work or enjoying an evening out, a growing number of grandparents have resorted to sending youngsters to bed before 8.00 pm so that they can have hurried sex in the lounge while keeping an ear out for any noises upstairs which could lead to a hurried withdrawal and a frantic pulling up of underwear.

The report by a team from Cambridge University, also points to a marked increase in the number of retired couples cuffing their grandchildren around the back of the head and shouting, ‘No, we’re NOT nearly fucking there yet’, during car journeys.