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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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relationships

Local girl found dead following gently corrective toe-trainer humiliation

toe
A toe-trainer pictured last night

A 19-year-old Whitechapel woman took her own life after her boyfriend launched a bitter attack when he discovered that she was using a gently corrective toe-trainer to straighten a defective little toe that was slightly out of alignment with the one next to it.

The deceased girl, Cherie Carter, a beautician from Thrawl Street, was founded hanged in her bedroom at the weekend.

She had previously told a friend that her boyfriend reacted furiously when he discovered the device on the bedroom floor after spending the night with her last Monday.

Tracy Dell, 18, from Commercial Street, told The Whelk: “When Cherie’s fella found the toe-trainer he went ballistic apparently.

“According to Cherie, he was a bit of a weirdo with a thing for women’s feet and I suppose the realisation that she needed an artificial aid to keep hers in shape was a big disappointment and he lost the plot.

“Hopefully, now that she’s killed herself, he’ll feel guilty about his behaviour and carry the burden of her death to his grave”

This incident comes almost a year to the day after a 23-year-old Shoreditch woman drowned herself in the Thames at Wapping Dock when her fiance broke off their engagement after finding that she wore a built-up shoe to disguise the fact that she had one leg shorter than the other.

Dolly Parton’s husband used her warbling throat to make smoothies, says former housemaid

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Dolly and Carl pictured earlier

A 63-year-old woman who worked as a housemaid for country and western legend, Dolly Parton, has told a Whelk reporter that she often saw Parton’s husband, Carl Dean, placing glasses of milk containing bananas, strawberries and other soft fruits against his wife’s neck while she practised her singing at their home in Nashville, Tennessee, as a money-saving method of making smoothies.

Mary Carter, also from Nashville, told us: “I saw Mr Parton do it a lot.

“He was a bit of a health nut and loved his smoothies.

“He told me he saved around a hundred dollars a year using this method.

“He had to be careful though because if he held the glass against her throat during some of the real wobbly-sounding songs like Jolene, the milk used to froth up too much and would spill over down the sides”

In 1993, a former housekeeper to pop icon, Whitney Huston, told a magazine that she once saw a workman holding a bucket containing cement and ballast against the singer’s chest while she sang the vibrato parts in ‘I Will Always Love You’ to make concrete for her garden path

Local man felt brief and very fleeting interest in girlfriend’s relationship discussion¬†

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A 35-year-old man from Whitechapel last night claimed to have experienced a brief moment of vague interest during a heart to heart talk with his girlfriend, who wished to discuss where their relationship was going.

Toby Dell, a motor vehicle technician from Berner Street revealed:

“It was last Saturday night and I was looking forward to Match Of The Day when my girlfriend, suddenly and without warning, began to discuss our relationship and her hopes and fears for our future together.

“Naturally, I zoned out immediately and started wondering about the number of cans of beer I had left in the fridge. I even got up and checked at one point to set my mind at rest.

“However, as soon as I sat back down she began talking about how our relationship had developed over the last year and how she hoped we could move up to a new level if we really committed to each other and learned to concentrate on the important things.

“It was when she began to reminisce about how we’d first met that I suddenly felt a fleeting moment of interest.

“I began to vaguely recall how I’d dumped my previous girlfriend to take up with her, and started to wonder if I still had those pics of my ex in her underwear on my phone.

“I had a quick check to make sure and fortunately, they were still there. I sighed with relief and began to mentally go over the day’s football results as my girlfriend moved on to how she sometimes felt taken for granted and unimportant.

“Luckily, she had just started to talk about her best friend’s wonderful relationship, and how she and her fiance were planning a June wedding, when the match started and I was able to send her out to get me another beer while I put the headphones on to listen to the commentary in peace”

This latest revelation comes just two weeks after a man from Sheffield claimed to have expressed a half-hearted opinion on interior decor when his girlfriend told him she was thinking of painting the downstairs toilet.

Local Lion-Tamer Eaten Alive On First Working Day After Furlough

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Happier times. Dell puts Dave through his paces just prior to the second lockdown

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has been mauled and then eaten by a circus lion that he was attempting to tame in his backyard.

Toby Dell, a lion-tamer for 22 years, had just returned to work after being furloughed during the health crisis by Sofia Dee’s Circus, his employers for the last 10 years.

Dell’s wife, Tracy, 52, who found her husband’s remains, told The Whelk: “Toby was really excited about going back to work after a long lay-off and decided to get some lion-taming practice in with our own pet lion, Dave, who lives in a converted shed in our back garden

“I came home from shopping and found some of Toby’s bones strewn around the yard along with his tunic and boots that Dave must have spat out after eating him.

“I’d forgotten to give Dave his breakfast this morning so it’s probably down to that. I feel a bit guilty now, to be honest.

“Only last week, I told him to pack in the lion-taming and take up a safer profession but he told me he loved his job and would carry on until his dying day.

“Now, those words have come back to bite him in the arse. Quite literally in his case”

Circus-owner and Dell’s employer, Sofia Dee, told us: “I can’t believe he’s gone.

“We’ve been paying twenty per cent of his wages for the last year, not to mention his national insurance contributions.

“I just hope we can claim some of it back from the social security”

Mr Dell’s remains will hopefully be interred at Mile End Cemetary next week, although it largely depends on how soon Dave has a bowel movement.

Right-Wing Couple Engage In Race War Following African Link Revelation

mike and shirley
Steeden and Blamey in happier times before finding out that they both had a touch of the tar brush

An extreme right-wing couple have been attacking each other with racist slurs since discovering that all of mankind can trace its roots back to the African continent.

Mike Steeden, 80, and his 40-year-old partner, Shirley Blamey, have been locked in a bitter race war since reading about man’s links to Africa in The Guardian newspaper.

The pair, have been racially abusing one another online and have even been taunting one another with monkey chants when one of them enters a room.

Steeden, a retired caretaker from Kentish Town in West London, told us: “We used to get on like a house on fire before I found out she was basically as black as the ace of spades.

“Now, I avoid being in the same room and don’t allow her to cook dinner in case she puts poison in the yams or flobs in the curry goat with rice and peas.

“Prior to reading that piece in the paper, I’d had no inkling that she was a bloody foreigner, much less, a damn wog.

“Now, I’m taking steps to have her joint tenancy agreement revoked so I can throw her out.

“Let her go and live in Brixton or Hoxton with her own kind”

Ms Blamey refused to be interviewed but we understand that she has starting daubing racist graffiti on Steeden’s car and has told friends that she had suspected something was not quite right when she noticed he was fairly good at basketball and dancing.

A notice has now gone up in the window of the boarding house they run in Southend in Essex: ‘NO DOGS, NO IRISH, NO BLACKS, NO US.’

EDITOR’S NOTE: Mike and Shirley are both dear friends of mine and I’m absolutely certain they won’t take exception to being portrayed as facist lunatics. In fact…BLAM!…*thud*

Man who had big problem with International Women’s Day loses inflatable girlfriend after puncture drama

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Man and rubber girlfriend pictured during happier times

A 54-year-old man from Louisville, Kentucky, who had earlier railed bitterly against International Women’s Day on social media, was said to be distraught last night following an incident in which his cat punctured his blow-up girlfriend after the creature laid on it following a heavy meal.

The cat was thankfully left unharmed after the inflatable woman took off around the room before finishing on top of a curtain rail in the lounge.

It is estimated, that a whopping ninety-per-cent of men who express strident opposition to women’s rights issues own a blow-up girlfriend, with the remaining ten-per cent allegedly squandering up to three-quarters of their monthly salary or benefits cheques on men pretending to be women in Thailand and Russia who have told them they need the money for the airfare to their desperate, outstretched arms.

Local man’s purchase of ‘dementia clock’ led to domestic violence

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A court heard yesterday that a 45-year-old Whitechapel man was hospitalised following a furious attack by his wife who became enraged when she realised that the clock he had ordered on Amazon was specifically designed for people with dementia or the visually impaired.

Tracy Dell, 42, is charged with assault and battery, using threats to kill, and inflicting grievous bodily harm on her husband Toby, a diesel-fitter from Berner Street.

Under cross-examination, Mrs Dell told the court: “I came home from the shops and immediately noticed that my husband had bought a new digital clock to go on top of our DVD player.

“The numbers on the display screen were massive and there was also a calendar and a readout to tell you if it was morning, afternoon or evening.

“I realised at once that he’d ordered a clock for elderly people with dementia or Alzheimer’s disease. I suppose I just lost control and attacked him.

“I didn’t want the shame of having visitors thinking I was visually impaired or was going round the bend.

“It was bad enough when he bought us both a pair of those zip-up fleece-lined boots from Betterware that you see old people wearing. He told me that they had extra grip on the soles to stop us from going over during icy weather.

“I mean, how old does he thing I am for God’s sake?”

The arresting officer, PC Terence Carter, told the court: “Mr Dell was in a bad way when I arrived and was bleeding heavily from a head wound.

“The defendant was standing over him with a large piece of sawn timber in her hand which she had clearly used to beat Mr Dell with.

“Mind you, I have to say that the clock he’d bought was a complete joke.

“The numbers and writing were huge and the display was so bright you could barely look at it without getting a migraine.

“It was definitely designed for elderly grunters or people that have difficulty knowing if they want a shit or a haircut”

The case continues.

We’ll regain our place in British hearts by winning Olympic 2-man bobsleigh gold, say Meghan and Harry

bob

Underfire royals, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle last night roared out a defiant message to the British people that they will once again become the Duke and Duchess of hearts by winning a gold medal for Great Britain in the next winter Olympic Games,

Speaking to reporters last night outside their California home, Harry said: “I know the British people are feeling a bit let down that Meghan and I have ceased our royal duties but we aim to put that right by winning a gold medal in the Olympics in the 2-man bobsleigh event.

“We’ve already started practising on the slide that goes into our pool and we’ve clocked up some pretty impressive times already.

“Once we’ve won gold we’ll come back to Britain as heroes, not like Edward and Mrs Simpson who were never accepted by the British people because she was a hard-faced old slapper and he wanted the Germans to win the war”.

If successful, the Sussexes will equal the feat of Princess Margaret and her husband, Lord Snowdon, who won back the love and respect of the British public following a string of sex scandals by winning a silver in the 1964 Tokyo Olympics as a tag team in the light-heavyweight, Greco-Roman wrestling.

Local Woman Falls in Love With Google Pegman

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Roadmap to romance? Pegman pictured playing it cool last night

A 52-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she has fallen in love with the little yellow pegman figure that is used to navigate the streets on Google Maps Streetview.

Tracy Dell, a secretary in a local forklift truck company, told us: “I first realised I had feelings for the Google Pegman when I was planning a family holiday in Mablethorpe in Yorkshire.

“I was using him to negotiate some of the roads leading down to the beach when I began to notice how attractive he was.

“Over the next few weeks, I fell head-over-heels and began fantasising about sleeping with him and wondering if he’d be a considerate and tender lover.

“I tried to make him notice me by using Google Maps while wearing a variety of saucy outfits but he seemed impervious to my charms.

“I’m now wondering if he might be gay and whether it would be worth my while dressing up as a fireman”

Ms Dell’s confession comes exactly 30 years after a 40-year-old woman from Shoreditch divorced her husband after she came home early and found him engaged in a saucy, aural sex romp with British Telecom’s, ‘The Speaking Clock’.

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