The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888





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Local man excited that girlfriend wants a long hard chat

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A girl pictured in long hard chat mode

A 22-year-old Whitechapel man was last night eagerly awaiting the long hard chat that his girlfriend of two years had insisted they have earlier today.

Toby Dell, a market trader from Vallance Road, told us: “I can’t wait to find out what it is she wants to chat about.

“To be honest, we’ve not really been communicating like we used to ever since she found out I’d slept with her mum and younger sister.

“And then there were the sex line calls that I used her card to pay for, and the sexually transmitted disease misunderstanding.

“She’s obviously realised that she has been unreasonable and wants to apologise in person”

In other related news, a 20-year-old man who was caught wearing his girlfriend’s bra and knickers was found hanged at his home after she told him she wanted, ‘a serious discussion about where their relationship was going’

CRIME DESK: Local woman killed partner who turned off Mr Blue Sky before the end

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Mr Carter pictured shortly after the attack

A Whitechapel woman murdered her boyfriend in cold blood after he switched off the radio at their home before the end of Mr Blue Sky by ELO, a court heard yesterday.

Tracy Dell, 42, attacked her live-in lover, Steven Carter, 47, with a pickaxe handle at their home in Vallance Road on December 23 last year.

“Dell’s barrister, Michael Higgins QC, told the court that Ms Dell lost control after Carter turned off the radio just before the soaring violin crescendo at the end and the subsequent vibrato vocal in which vocalist, Jeff Lynn, sings, ‘Mister Blue Sky’ in a tremulous voice.

“It’s her favourite bit” he explained to the jury. “Is it any wonder that she was filled with murderous rage? ”

Sentencing Dell to life with a 25-year recommendation, Judge William Shay QC, told her: “You are clearly a ruthless and dangerous woman who will resort to any lengths to listen to your favourite bits at the end of records, including cold-blooded murder”

Dell’s crime mirrors that of a 32-year-old woman from neighbouring Cripplegate, who murdered her husband with a hatchet last year after he began talking during the introduction to Wilson Picket’s classic, In The Midnight Hour.

Man who woke with positive attitude had no idea he was going to be shot in the back


A local man woke up yesterday, full of positivity and optimism about the day ahead, completely oblivious to the fact that an hour later he would be lying dead from gunshot wounds to the back.

According to his wife, Tracy, Toby Dell, 47, was in high spirits and full of joi de vivre right from the get-go

Mrs Dell, also 47, said last night: “As soon as he woke up, I could tell that he was in a good mood.

“He was singing at the top of his voice and dancing around the bedroom at 6.00 am.

“He was singing that song, ‘Wake Up Boo” over and over.

“It was quite ironic really because he did actually wake me

“And that was despite the fact that I’d only been in bed an hour after a night shift at the bakery”

Mrs Dell will be appearing before Horseferry Road magistrates tomorrow morning charged with murder and unlawful possession of a shotgun

Melania Trump bombshell: Theresa May caught me with a number of powerful body shots in the Buck House lift.

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Trump thumped. Mrs Trump pictured putting a brave face on it last night

United States First Lady, Melania Trump, has told a magazine that, Brit Prime Minister, Theresa May, beat her about the body in a lift at Buckingham Palace during President Trump’s official visit to Great Britain last year.

Speaking to The New Yorker, Mrs Trump says: “Donald and myself were coming down in the lift from our bedroom on the top floor.

“As we reached the 1st floor, the doors opened and Mrs May rushed in looking absolutely furious.

“Before I could cover up with my elbows, she caught me with a thunderous body shot to the ribs, sickening me and causing me to go down on one knee.

“As I got up, she continued to go downstairs and crashed home 5 or 6 big bombs to the lower abdomen and then sent me back down with a blistering uppercut to the solar plexus.

“There was no way back for me from that one and I stayed down until we got to the ground floor where Donald dragged me out and tipped the remains of his can of Coke over my head to revive me.

“Throughout the attack, Mrs May remained silent although she did call me a ‘loser’ and a ‘chump’ before walking away.

“Donald told me that she’d been under a lot of pressure with this Brexit business and was probably just looking for someone to take it out on”

This is not the first time that a visiting dignitary has been set upon by a serving British Prime Minister

In 1967, The Sultan of Brunei was treated forĀ  concussion and facial cuts after Labour PM, Harold Wilson, knocked him unconscious with a tremendous right cross to the temple after opening up with a barrage of powerful hooks and uppercuts during an official luncheon engagement at London’s Guild Hall.

Screwing up Brexit has turned Theresa into an insatiable sex beast says Philip May

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Not now darling. Mr May rebuffs his wife’s advances as she tries to pull his cock out at the Conservative Party Conference at Blackpool last year

The husband of Prime Minister, Theresa May, has revealed that being constantly thwarted in her bids to deliver Brexit on time has turned his wife into a tigress between the sheets.

Wealthy businessman, Philip May, told a magazine: “Ever since she started getting her plans for a smooth exit from the EU knocked back in Parliament, she’s been demanding sex constantly.

“It’s been pretty exhausting, to be honest. I’ve now taken to going out to the shed to mess with my ham radio equipment if I hear on the news that she’s had another one of her deals binned in The Commons.

“Even that doesn’t always work. The night she found she was going to have to extend Article 50 until April, she came out to the shed in a French maid’s outfit and booted the door down before demanding a back scuttling.

“It’s been totally relentless. I made the mistake of going with her when her first Meaningful Vote suffered a record defeat and she tried to nosh me off in the back of the limo on the way home.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m a normal red-blooded male who enjoys a bunk-up as much as the next bloke, but I won’t be sorry when she gets booted out of office and we can go back to a Saturday night missionary shag after a curry and a few ales”

Mr May’s revelation comes just two weeks after Jacob Rees-Mogg’s wife complained to friends that he was “wanking himself dry” morning, noon and night since his ERG group of hard Brexiters failed to oust Mrs May in a coup in October of last year.


orc feminist

DISCLAIMER: The editorial team and the entire writing staff on The Whitechapel Whelk would like to point out that we are all confirmed feminists.

This is because, Sofia, our graphics editor is one, and despite the fact that she’s really pretty, we are all shit scared of her -Ed.

Local woman’s hairy toe discovery led to murder

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A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman killed her partner in cold blood after discovering a small clump of dark hairs on her big toe, an Old Bailey jury was told yesterday.

Tracy Ree, a legal secretary from Dock Street, attacked her partner, Toby Dell, 27, a self-employed forklift truck mechanic, with an axe after making the discovery on the evening of June 16 last year.

Prosecuting counsel, Carter Shay QC, told the court that Ms Ree had complained to the deceased after spotting the hairs and that he’d made light of the issue, calling her, Big Foot, and, Hairy Mary.

The plaintiff then allegedly flew into a murderous rage and attacked Mr Dell with an axe, severing his head and one of his legs.

The court heard that Ms Ree then tried to dispose of his body by dismembering the corpse and boiling the body parts on the stove.

The cooked remains were then left out in the street for urban foxes and local stray dogs to consume.

However, police were alerted when a West Highland Terrier belonging to a neighbour came home with one of Mr Dell’s arms in its jaws.

The neighbour concerned immediately called the police after recognising one of Mr Dell’s tattoos.

The case continues

In other news, a 23-year-old woman from Cripplegate in East London was sentenced to a full life term yesterday after a court found her guilty of dissolving her husband in a vat of sulphuric acid after shooting him dead for laughing at her new hairdo.

Number of attractive women desperate to have sex with losers from the internet set to soar in 2019

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Attractive women, some with brazen watermarks signalling their desperation, pictured in predatory mood last night

A recent report suggests that the number of women who are desperately keen to sleep with random men who make contact with them on the internet is set to soar in 2019.

This spells bad news for men right across the globe who are already under siege from the barrage of attractive women, desperate to have sex with any Tom, Dick or Harry that makes contact with them online, irrespective of looks, weight, disposition or personal hygiene.

A spokesman for Cambridge University in England, who conducted the survey, said last night: “Already we have seen a huge upsurge in the numbers of women who are mad keen on getting down to business with no-mark douchebags and unsavoury chancers who sidle up to them online and make inappropriate remarks.

“Our findings indicate that the vast majority of these women are already naked, or, at the very least, scantily clad in French maid’s outfits, when they go online, desperate to find some unwashed limpdick scumbag to give them the good news”

These latest findings mirror those of a recent survey conducted by The University of London which revealed that Britain’s full-breasted beauties are desperately keen to be sent a lot more pictures of men’s penises.

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