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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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relationships

Local woman slams partners pathetic performance after semaphore sex romp

semaphore

A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman has berated her boyfriend’s sexual performance, branding it, ‘pathetic’, after the pair had indulged in a steamy romp using semaphore flags.

Tracy Dell, a hairdresser from Dock Lane, told The East London Gazette: “We’d not been able to meet up for regular sex due to the covid restrictions, so I hit upon the idea of doing it by semaphore from the roofs of our blocks of flats, which are quite close to each other.

“I made a real effort on the night, did my hair and makeup, and put on a revealing, off-the-shoulder cocktail dress, before going up to the roof.

“I knew he was impressed, because he started signalling in an excited manner as soon as he saw me, but I was more interested in the long game, so I signalled that I was putting my dressing gown on to keep the cold out.

“He slowed down a bit then, but, as soon as I signalled that I was climbing into bed, he began signalling furiously. At one point, he was going so fast, I couldn’t even make out what he was saying.

“Suddenly, his flags went limp at his sides, and I could see that he was lighting a cigarette.

“I signalled that I could wait another half an hour, but he wasn’t interested.

“He then gave the standard signing-off signal, and left the roof.

“A bit later, using binoculars, I spotted him in his flat on his Playstation. Absolutely pathetic!”

Miss Dell’s revelations come just a week after a 22-year-old woman, from neighbouring Aldgate, complained that her boyfriend, who had been drinking heavily in his flat in Spitalfields, was unable to gain an erection, despite the fact that she signalled that she was wearing a French maid’s outfit using Morse Code.

Virgil out of Thunderbirds stole my innocence, says local woman

local woman
Mrs Dell pictured back at work at Thames Ironworks last night

A 35-year-old woman from Whitechapel in East London has revealed that she lost her virginity to Thunderbird 2 pilot, Virgil Tracy, weeks after starting a job as a cleaning lady at the International Rescue HQ, Tracy Island in 1967.

Tracy Dell, a widow from Vallance Road, told newsmen: “Virgil came onto me a couple of days after I started the job.

“He was very charming and persuasive, and I don’t mind admitting I fell head over heels.

“He took me out for a number of Sunday afternoon spins in Thunderbird 2, and even took me up into space in Thunderbird 3 when Alan was away on holiday with Tintin.

“He once let me have a go at driving The Mole, but had to take the wheel back when I got too close to the centre of the Earth’s core.

“Then one night, after we’d had a few beers from the fridge, he started kissing me.

“Before I knew it, we were rolling around naked in front of a roaring log fire. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

“Our affair lasted a few months, and then, one night, after sex, he chucked me.

“He told me that he still loved me, but that, his dad, Mr Tracy, the Thunderbirds governer, had told him that being with me was affecting his work.

“Apparently, his dad had bollocked him about a recent fuck-up when he loaded the wrong pod into Thunderbird 2, and deployed a number of trucks with hydraulic rams instead of Thunderbird 4 while on a rescue mission at the bottom of the Indian Ocean.

“I quit the job shortly after, and started working as a cleaning lady for Joe 90.

When I found out he was too young to have sex with I packed it in and got a job at the ironworks.”

Mrs Dell’s revelation comes just a week after a 60-year-old woman from Bow revealed that, in 1967, she’d had group sex with 5 Mysterons while Captain Scarlet watched.

Local man had sizzling phone-sex romp during marriage guidance session

phone

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he indulged in phone sex with a female work colleague during a marriage guidance session attended by himself and his wife.

Toby Dell, from Brushfield Street, told us: ‘The wife insisted we undergo marriage guidance as we’ve been going through a rocky patch and I reluctantly agreed.

‘After around ten minutes with the counsellor, a woman at my work that I’ve been sleeping with, rang my mobile and started describing what she’d like to do with me.

‘Fortunately, I had my earbuds in as I was listening to the cricket from Australia so neither my wife nor the counsellor knew what was going on.

‘However, things got so heated between us that I reached a climax and had to muffle my cries of ecstasy by blowing my nose violently into a hankerchief while nodding enthusiastically at the woman, as if I was in strong agreement with everything she was saying.

‘It was hard going, so to speak, but I think I got away with it’

We spoke to Dell’s wife, Tracy last night who confirmed that she is now leaving him.

‘I knew full well what he was up to’ she told us. ‘Apart from all the fake nose-blowing and nodding, he was sweating like a nun in a dildo factory.

‘My suspicions were finally confirmed when he took off his underpants before getting into bed and it sounded like somebody tearing up the phonebook’

Watching Rumpole Of The Bailey has turned Meghan and Harry into shape-shifting howler monkeys, says David Icke

howler-monkey
Harry and Meghan pictured opening a barber’s shop in Cripplegate, East London last night

Britain’s most prominent conspiracy theorist, David Icke, has told his followers that Prince Harry and his wife, Meghan Markle, have been transformed into Sumatran Howler Monkeys after watching a box set of the popular legal drama, Rumpole of The Bailey.

In a recent video clip on the Telegram social media platform, Icke states: “There can be no doubt whatsoever that Harry and Meghan now have the ability to shift shape at will and have become howler monkeys, and it’s all down to binge-watching, legal drama, Rumpole Of The Bailey

‘If you send me some money via my website I will give you the irrefutable proof, along with a first-hand account of how my son walked past their garden a few weeks ago and spotted them both sitting in the branches of a tree, eating bananas, picking fleas out of each other’s back hair and emitting occasional ear-splitting howls.

‘You have to send at least twenty quid though, otherwise, you’ll never get wise to their little game’

Icke’s shock claims come hot on the heels of a recent assertion by Britain’s Got Talent judge and self-proclaimed free-thinker, Amanda Holden, that Prince Edward and his wife, Sophie, are actually ‘Transfomer-like’ beings that can turn into mobile phone masts that emit killer 5G rays at the wanton behest of madcap billionaire, Bill Gates.

Local woman found hanged following shock-induced flatulence incident

Colonie gas leak cleaned up after major rupture

A 23-year-old woman from Whitechapel in East London was found hanged in her bathroom on Tuesday night following an incident in the street on the previous evening when she noisily broke wind in front of her new boyfriend who had surprised her by jumping out in front of her from a shop doorway in Commercial Street.

Tracy Carter, a beautician from Berner Street, had told friends that it was the most embarrassing day of her life and that she was struggling to come to terms with it.

The man concerned in the incident, Toby Dell, 25, a diesel-fitter from Mile End, told us: “I spotted Tracy walking past Spitalfields Market and decided to surprise her.

“I ducked into a doorway and jumped out in front of her when she drew level.

“She screamed and then unleashed this enormous, double-barrelled fart. It was a real rip-snorter and loads of people turned around and looked at her.

“I actually thought it was pretty funny but she got really upset and ran off down the street.

“The ironic part of it was that she actually let fly with a few minor squeakers as she took off.

“To be fair, it was the first time she’d ever done that in front of me, although, you can bet your bottom dollar she used to fart privately. That’s women all over in my view.

“She was a nice girl though and I’m pretty sorry she’s hanged herself, although, I have to say, I think she overreacted a bit”

This incident comes just two weeks after a 19-year-old girl from neighbouring Spitalfields threw herself into Wapping Dock and drowned after repeatedly failing to flush a stubborn ‘submarine’ down the toilet at her new boyfriend’s flat in Silvertown, only managing to reduce it to a ‘peeper’.

Comic Book Shocker: Batman’s Grandad To Be Unveiled as Trans Lesbian, says DC

gay superman

Just days after the shock news that DC Comics have decided to expose Superman’s son, Jon, as bi-sexual, the comic giant has now revealed that in a forthcoming issue of Batman, the Caped Crusader’s grandfather will undergo a sex change operation, turning him from a hick farmer in Michigan into a female with strong lesbian tendencies.

In a brief statement, a spokesperson for DC said last night: “We have decided to reflect today’s more tolerant and diverse society by making Batman’s grandad a transsexual with a liking for the occasional bout of clam noshing.

“There won’t be anything too graphic. Readers will just see him going into a private clinic in his farmer’s overalls before emerging the next day with a beehive hairdo and wearing a dress.”

This latest move comes just weeks after Marvel Comics revealed that The Mighty Thor’s father and ruler of Asgard, Odin, is going to be exposed as a sexually insane secret cross-dresser who gets caught by his wife, Freya, wearing her corsets and wanking in the bathroom to images in an amputee-dwarf grumble mag.

Local man almost certain girlfriend had bowel movement on first date

pretty
A girl pictured pretending she doesn’t need to go to the toilet last night

A 23-year-old man from Aldgate in East London has claimed to be “99% certain” that a young woman he had just cooked dinner for at his flat went to the toilet and opened her bowels shortly after dessert.

Toby Dell, an electrical engineer, told The East London Gazette: “It was our first date and we were both feeling pretty nervous and a little awkward too I guess.

I had made us steak and kidney pie with peas and mash and my new girlfriend seemed to really enjoy it.

It was just after we’d eaten our dessert of rhubarb crumble and custard that I noticed a change in her demeanour. She kept fidgeting in her chair and wouldn’t look me in the eye.

“She then excused herself and went to the bathroom.

Her movements at this point were hurried and a little furtive, and she kept her head down as she walked past me.

She must have been gone for well over five minutes, during which I heard her cough loudly at least four or five times. I can only assume she was trying to drown out the splashes.

“After she’d pulled the chain, she remained in there for quite a while, presumably waiting for the bubbles to go from the top of the water so she could check for any tell-tale floaters or submarines.

“When she came back, her face was pretty red and she avoided eye contact for quite some time.

I tried to smooth things over by making a few light-hearted remarks about the noisy plumbing, but it only seemed to make matters worse and she left shortly after, saying that she had to get up early for work.

“After she’d gone, I went to the bathroom myself and it was pretty obvious she’d been spraying perfume in there to mask the stench of rotting greens”

When asked if he’d be seeing her again, he told us that he would, but would only be serving drinks and a few dry biscuits.

Local girl found dead following gently corrective toe-trainer humiliation

toe
A toe-trainer pictured last night

A 19-year-old Whitechapel woman took her own life after her boyfriend launched a bitter attack when he discovered that she was using a gently corrective toe-trainer to straighten a defective little toe that was slightly out of alignment with the one next to it.

The deceased girl, Cherie Carter, a beautician from Thrawl Street, was founded hanged in her bedroom at the weekend.

She had previously told a friend that her boyfriend reacted furiously when he discovered the device on the bedroom floor after spending the night with her last Monday.

Tracy Dell, 18, from Commercial Street, told The Whelk: “When Cherie’s fella found the toe-trainer he went ballistic apparently.

“According to Cherie, he was a bit of a weirdo with a thing for women’s feet and I suppose the realisation that she needed an artificial aid to keep hers in shape was a big disappointment and he lost the plot.

“Hopefully, now that she’s killed herself, he’ll feel guilty about his behaviour and carry the burden of her death to his grave”

This incident comes almost a year to the day after a 23-year-old Shoreditch woman drowned herself in the Thames at Wapping Dock when her fiance broke off their engagement after finding that she wore a built-up shoe to disguise the fact that she had one leg shorter than the other.

Dolly Parton’s husband used her warbling throat to make smoothies, says former housemaid

dolly
Dolly and Carl pictured earlier

A 63-year-old woman who worked as a housemaid for country and western legend, Dolly Parton, has told a Whelk reporter that she often saw Parton’s husband, Carl Dean, placing glasses of milk containing bananas, strawberries and other soft fruits against his wife’s neck while she practised her singing at their home in Nashville, Tennessee, as a money-saving method of making smoothies.

Mary Carter, also from Nashville, told us: “I saw Mr Parton do it a lot.

“He was a bit of a health nut and loved his smoothies.

“He told me he saved around a hundred dollars a year using this method.

“He had to be careful though because if he held the glass against her throat during some of the real wobbly-sounding songs like Jolene, the milk used to froth up too much and would spill over down the sides”

In 1993, a former housekeeper to pop icon, Whitney Huston, told a magazine that she once saw a workman holding a bucket containing cement and ballast against the singer’s chest while she sang the vibrato parts in ‘I Will Always Love You’ to make concrete for her garden path

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