Passengers Who Get On Planes Before Everyone Else Does Just Complete Bellends, Say Experts

from our airborne fucknuts correspondent, Stephen Hamilton

If you’ve ever booked a priority boarding ticket or paid extra to reserve special treatment on an aircraft, then you might want to think about your choices, after a new study has revealed you could actually be a complete bellend.

The study, conducted over a ten-year period, has seen a rapid explosion in bellends who travel by air rise dramatically with worrying concerns of an increase over the next two to three years.

Dr Garfield Hoadley, a highly experienced behavioural scientist who led the study, said: “There are many acts of human behaviour that annoy us, but paying extra to be one of the first to get on an airplane really is taking your status of bellend to a whole new level.

“Leaping up to drag your hand baggage from the overhead locker the second the plane touches down is another sign that the practitioner is a complete bellend

“Everybody on board meets each other at the same time in the baggage reclaim area anyway, so, there really is no need to plan your quick escape in advance because there is no such thing.”

This type of behaviour is not the only thing that irritates air passengers. A study carried out in 2015 revealed that we all want to annihilate people who push the back of our seats as they attempt to fold down their front-facing seat tray table.

Calls to take action against passengers who think it’s cool to walk around the aisle in their socks were also high on the study, with 99% voting for these individuals to be thrown out of the plane in mid-flight without a parachute.

The remaining one percent wanted them to be beaten to death with clubs, dismembered and flushed down the chemical toilet.

The report concludes by saying that anyone who flies with airborne bandits, Ryanair, are bellends that should have their pubic hair torn out using electrified mole grips.

Stephen Hamilton is the editor-in-chief of Dafty News “Still only 10 f*****g pence”. You’re not!

Aldi ‘Vile Rant’ Ranked Best Value for Money

from our chomping bigotry editor Stephen Hamilton

A vile rant-assessment panel has named an Aldi supermarket shopper’s outburst ‘the best vile rant for sheer value’ after footage emerged of the woman ranting about another customer wearing a niqab in an Aldi store and branding her choice of dress as ‘disgusting’.

The incident caught on camera and uploaded to the internet, attracted over 1 million YouTube hits in just 24 hours

One of the judges on the panel said the 38-year-old woman, ‘provided an extremely high-quality calibre of vile and abusive ranting towards a fellow shopper from a religious minority group’.

We caught up with one member of the assessment panel who told us: “This shopper definitely showed remarkable dexterity in her tirade.

“She looked suitably hate-filled and even topped off her rant by mentioning the Quran, which is always important when having your vile rant filmed on a mobile phone.”

The runners-up were a man in Tescos in Shoreditch, who called a Chinese 3-year-old, ‘a slanty-eyed, short-arsed tiddleywink’, and a woman in Waitrose in Swansea, who called a coal miner who had just finished his shift, a ‘black bastard’ before telling him to ‘go back to his own country’

Aldi refused to comment on the incident to our reporters but they did offer us a tour around the store where we filled our trollies with excellent quality food at very affordable prices, along with a tennis racket, a set of woollen socks, cut-price brand name soft drinks, and a six-man tent.

Stephen Hamilton is editor-in-chief of Dafty News. Check it out here. Just don’t read anything by Danny Soz. No good will come of it, trust me.

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Drumchapel and Whitechapel to have a fight to establish which is the hardest deprived area.

The Auld Enemy. Scottish and English hooligans pictured having a difference of opinion in the olden days

The run-down inner city districts of Whitechapel in East London and Drumchapel in Glasgow are set to clash on wasteground in a battle to decide which of the two deprived areas is the hardest ‘chapel’.

The fight, which the Eastenders are calling, The Big Up And A Downer, and the Scots, simply, The Rammie, will be conducted on neutral turf in Sheffield and is expected to draw thousands of supporters of both slum districts on the day.

The leaders, or ‘Top Boys’, of both armies have spoken to us of their hopes of victory on the day.

Stephen “Razor King” Hamilton, an unemployed travel agent, who heads, ‘The Drum’ firm, seemed confident of overcoming his Cockney rivals when they clash on the 26th of May.

“Ah nae fine well that mah boays wull gi’ yon London poofs a f****n’ guid heidin’ oan the day.

“Aye, we wull be goin’ back tae Glasgae victorious or Lorraine Kelly’s mah sainted mither!”

Meanwhile, the self-styled “Guvnor” of the East London gang, Toby “The Whitechapel Iron” Dell, was equally defiant and confident last night.

“Let me tell you something for nothing my son. My boys will straighten these Scotch mugs so f******g lively we’ll be back on our manor in time for a lunchtime pint of London Pride and a plate of stewed eels and mash before you can say “Cockney toerags”, know what I mean bruv?”

One surefire set of winners as a result of the clash will be local caterers from both districts, with mobile jellied eel vendors and Buckfast Tonic Wine vans anticipating bumper profits on the day.