Rees-Mogg Set To Continue Annual Struggle to Loosen Lid on Xmas Picallili

Conservative backbench MP, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has told friends that he is going to redouble his annual efforts to loosen the lid on a jar of Pan Yan mustard pickle despite having failed to do so every Christmas since 1987.

The former Leader Of The House has confided that he has been undergoing a strength-training program with a view to finally completing a task that has thwarted his best efforts since Margaret Thatcher was in Downing Street.

Following his initial vain attempt in ’87, the Old Etonian’s struggles were reportedly met with a fair amount of good-natured derision by family and friends seated around the Boxing Day table at Rees-Mogg’s Somerset home.

Amongst other jibes, he was branded, a ‘weed’ and a ‘socialist girly that couldn’t knock the skin off a rice pudding’

Eventually, a totally spent and heavily sweating Rees-Mogg claimed that the lid was ‘cross-threaded’ and that, ‘The machine must have put it on wrong’ before angrily storming from the room.

According to sources, he has made vain, clandestine attempts to loosen the lid during night-time visits to the kitchen every Christmas for the last thirty-four years.

During this time he has used a number of gambits, including, soaking the jar in easing oil, clamping the lid in a bench vice before twisting the body of the jar wrapped in a tea towel, deploying a Mole Wrench, and tapping around the edges of the lid with a pair of antique brass nutcrackers.

However, his wife, Helena, told a Sunday Times journalist in a 2015 interview that he has actually been trying to turn it the wrong way the entire time but has sullenly refused to accept the fact, claiming that he has been opening jars of tasty delicacies and sweetmeats since his time attending midnight feasts at prep school and that people ‘should jolly well mind their own business’.

In 2019, Rees-Mogg famously had to ask Her Majesty The Queen to open the door to let him out of a hospitality room at Balmoral after he was unable to turn a heavy brass door knob following his now notorious visit when he lied to her about the legality of the prorogation of Parliament.

After the incident, he was met with catcalls and howls of derision from the Labour benches in a raucous parliamentary session, during which he claimed that he ‘must have already loosened it for her’.

Trump Opts Out of Trial Due to ‘Bigly Bone Spur Issues’

Ex-US President, Donald Trump, has announced that he will no longer be attending hearings regarding a number of federal crimes and misdemeanours that he stands accused of citing ‘bigly bone spur pain’. as the key factor in his decision not to stand trial.

Addressing a number of quarter-wits at a supporter’s rally last night, Trump announced. ‘The pain I’m currently suffering from my chronic bone spur condition has become so bigly that I’m withdrawing from all legal proceedings against me.

‘The failing FBI will just have to find someone else to stage a witchhunt against.

‘Maybe crooked Hillary or somebody like that.

‘I mean they never really got to the bottom of that business with her emails did they? So sad my friends.

‘I’m now going to take a well-earned break abroad to recuperate.

‘I’m thinking of going to Nambia or some other shithole country like that’

Editor’s Note. If you’re not very bright and would like to point out that Joe Biden’s old or something then I would strongly urge you not to do so. Ignoring this directive could lead to you having a new one ripped in very short order indeed

I Dream Of Setting Up Extermination Facilities For Foreigners, Says Home Secretary Braverman

In a controversial TV interview, the Home Secretary, Suella Braverman, has upped her recent anti-foreigner rhetoric by claiming that she often dreams of setting up Nazi-style death camps where asylum-seekers, and even foreign nationals currently domiciled in the UK, can be taken and put to death.

Braverman previously came in for criticism after revealing that she dreams of sending failed asylum-seekers to Rwanda in West Africa, a stance that even some of her Tory colleagues found unpalatable.

At the end of the interview in question, it was put to her that she herself is of Indian extraction and that both her parents immigrated to the UK from Kenya in the 1960s, at which point, she became visibly enraged, repeatedly screaming, ‘No, no, no’ before pulling a zombie knife from her clutch bag and lunging at the interviewer, inflicting a deep stab wound to the journalist’s neck.

Ban ill-fitting dressing gowns to stop rise in Alzheimer’s, says Tory MP.

Madcap MP Fabricant pictured last night

Eccentric Conservative MP, Michael Fabricant, yesterday called for a government ban on the ownership of garishly coloured, poorly-fitting dressing gowns as a proactive measure to curb the recent steady rise in people suffering from dementia and Alzheimer’s disease.

In a speech to local party members, Fabricant outlined his theory: ‘If you spot any of these Alzheimer types roaming aimlessly around the streets they are almost always wearing a brightly coloured dressing gown that doesn’t fit them, often accompanied by stripy flannelette pyjamas and shiny slippers.

‘I’m not saying that the dressing gowns per se are the root cause of the problem but perhaps if these people were denied access to them they’d be deterred somewhat, or would at least think twice, before wandering around all over the show, getting in the way of decent people trying to get to work and so on’

Last year, Fabricant had the party whip removed after he tweeted that working-class children under the age of five should have a sack of soot tipped over them three times a week as a reminder of their forebears’ task of crawling up chimneys to clear a blocked flue.

‘It would give these feckless youngsters of today a clearer idea of what a decent day’s work should consist of’, he tweeted in a post that was later taken down.

Nigeria in talks with UK for the return of Jacob Rees Mogg

Following recent successful negotiations with several museums in the UK for the return of looted artefacts, the Nigerian government are now believed to be in the advanced stages of talks to secure the return of Victorian missionary, Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Rees-Mogg, who is estimated to be over two hundred years old, disappeared from his mission station in a jungle clearing close to the capital, Abuja, in 1847.

Initially, it was thought that the Roman Catholic member of the White Fathers evangelical order had been killed by native tribesmen and possibly eaten, but he then re-emerged in the Horniman Museum in South London where he remained on display in a glass cabinet for almost half a century, kept alive on a diet of hard tack biscuits, acorn gruel and holy water

In the 1960s, a deal was struck with the Rees-Mogg family who took him back to the family home in Somerset where he enjoyed a brief career as a performer in a local music hall, singing sea shanties and Victorian love ditties in a high falsetto while riding back and forth across the stage on a penny-farthing bicycle.

He then entered politics and became the Conservative member for East Somerset and more recently the Minister For Brexit Opportunities.

After failing to find any, he asked to be returned to the museum where he remains in the basement, awaiting restoration work on his knees and monocle.

A museum spokesman told newsmen last night: ‘We realise that Jacob may have been looted so we are very much open to returning him to Nigeria.

‘Let them pay for his kedgeree breakfasts and monthly subscription to Mature Nannies In Suspenders.’

In 1947, the museum successfully fought off an action to return Tory MP, Ann Widdecombe, to the United States after they claimed she had been looted from The House of Grotesques on Coney Island by drunken matelots from HMS Bulwark in 1870.

Lorraine Kelly and Joe Biden Have Been Exchanging Underwear For Quarter Of A Century, Claims Report

A pair of Kelly’s vintage ‘bloomers’ pictured last night

According to a report from The Trans-Continental Research Group, daytime TV legend, Lorraine Kelly, and US President, Joe Biden, have been exchanging their underwear via air mail since 1997.

The report claims that the pair hit it off during Kelly’s two-week break in Florida in ’96, where she proposed the idea of swapping underpants to the then-congressman.

Biden apparently accepted the proposal after consulting his wife and staff members, since when the pair have exchanged over six thousand pairs of lacy panties and boxers.

Kelly, 97, told newsmen last night: ‘There’s nothing sleazy or untoward about our agreement.

‘It’s just our way of showing mutual respect and reinforcing the warmth of affection that we share.

‘Kelly then laughed as she explained: ‘His wife, Jill, often helps him select suitable items from his pants drawer and will scold him if he tries to include a pair with holes in or are a bit baggy at the front where his nob goes’

In 2002, now disgraced president, Donald Trump asked an elderly street prostitute in Harlem if she would photograph him wearing her scanties, but she turned him down saying that there was ‘only so much she would do to feed her crack habit.’

Pensioners Should ‘Copulate Furiously’ to Avoid Winter Chill, Says Rees-Mogg

Controversial parliamentarian, Jacob Rees-Mogg, attracted cross-party criticism yesterday when he advised Britain’s elderly, who may be worried about soaring heating bills this coming winter, to engage in vigorous sex to stave off the cold if their inability to pay results in their supply being cut off.

Speaking to The Times newspaper, Rees-Mogg, said: ‘When I was a schoolboy at Eton it used to get pretty chilly during the winter months I don’t mind telling you. Even roasting one of the new boys in front of a bunsen burner failed to ward off the winter chill.

‘At times like this, we older chaps used to hop into bed, sometimes five or six at a time, and roger each other until our circulation returned.

‘If it was good enough for us back then, I fail to see why our old folk can’t adopt a similar initiative and copulate furiously instead of complaining and constantly blaming the government and the energy companies every five minutes.

‘These ingrates should be thankful they are now living in Brexit Britain and are no longer under the oppressive yoke of a Soviet-style European Union.

‘During the last war, we had the Dig For Britain initiative, so why not a ‘Shag Until You Can Feel Your Toes’ one now?’

Rees-Mogg requested that his fee for the interview be donated to the Save The CEO Fund For Distressed Captains of Industry

KIDDIEZ KORNER

Apologies for the industrial language in the above. I think he may have been drinking. – Ed

Stanley Johnson Resigns as Boris Johnson’s Dad

Ex-pater, Stanley Johnson, pictured last night in sombre mood

Amid the turmoil of yesterday’s flurry of Tory resignations came the devastating news for beleaguered Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, that his father, Stanley, has decided to quit as his dad.

Speaking to newsmen from outside his Surrey home, Mr Johnson senior said: ‘I cannot, in all good conscience, carry on as Boris’s father.

‘I have been thinking of handing in my resignation for some time now.

‘In fact, I almost quit when he lied to his mother about stealing a quarter pound of toffees from the local sweet shop in 1974, but I stuck with him despite deep misgivings.

‘Since that day, it has been a litany of half-truths and downright lying on an almost daily basis but I’ve remained loyal despite it all.

‘I now wish I had listened to my daughter who told me years ago that he was a slippery devil and not to leave my credit card lying around.

‘The straw that finally broke this camel’s back was last night’s announcement by Nadine Dorries that she was 100 per cent behind him.

‘I knew then that it was time to do the honourable thing and move on’

At the time of going to press, Nadine Dorries has now told a source that she will indeed be quitting and will hand in her resignation to John Major as soon as the rugby finishes at Lords.