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Brexit Party member returns to primaeval soup

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Happier times. Mr Carter smiles for the camera at a family party last month

A 56-year-old man who was one of the founder members of the staunch, anti-European Union, Brexit Party, has regressed down the evolutionary scale and has now returned to the primaeval soup where life on earth first began 4 billion years ago

Terence Carter, unemployed, from Whitechapel in East London, began to show signs of morphing into a shapeless life form just a few weeks after joining the party, led by leading Brexit cheerleader, Nigel Farage, last July.

His wife, Melissa, 52, told a Whelk reporter: “Shortly after getting his Brexit Party literature and enamel badge through the post, I began to notice changes in Terry.

“At first, he began speaking a lot more slowly than usual, then, after a few days, he lost the power of speech altogether and began communicating with a series of grunts and hand signals.

“It was around this time that I noticed a huge increase in his body hair and his forehead began to stick out a lot more than it used to.

“One day, I came home from work and he was unable to walk upright and was crawling around in the kitchen on all fours.

“He took to staying out in the garden a lot, swinging on the hanging tyre that we’d made for the dog.

“It all ended when I came back from shopping and spotted him floating on the top of the pond.

“At first, I thought he was a bit of frog spawn, but when I hooked him out and looked through my magnifying glass, I could see it was him by his beady little eyes and a fragment of his cloth cap.

“I’m not that sorry he’s returned to the primordial soup where life first began, to be honest. He’d changed a lot since he joined that Brexit lot.

“He was quite a nice man when I first met him, but all he’s done over the last few months is sit in front of the TV, slagging off Michel Barnier, and, when he wasn’t doing that, he was stamping around the house, praising Donald Trump and having a go at the blacks”

This incident comes just two weeks after a man from neighbouring Stepney gradually morphed into a gibbon after attending a series of meetings of the United Kingdom Independence Party.

JUST IN

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If you’ve been affected by any of the issues featured in these stories, you are either Donald Trump, a puppeteer, or both – Ed

BREAKING: The Kraken awoke and devoured Norwegian trawler during Trump/Farage interview claim reports

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The Kraken depicted chowing down on a hapless vessel in the olden days

Reports are coming in that the legendary sea monster, The Kraken, stirred and then awoke before devouring a Norwegian fishing vessel during last nights LBC radio conversation between, Brexit Party leader, Nigel Farage and US President, Donald Trump.

Speculation is rife that the sheer force of malevolence generated in the airwaves during their exchange may have caused the legendary colossus to wake from its 200-year slumber and emboldened the creature to wreak fresh destruction on passing mariners.

Farage strongly denied the allegation last night, dismissing it as ‘Bremoaner whingeing’, while Trump tweeted that he had ‘never heard of any Kraken’

In a subsequent tweet, the president speculated that he thought it may be, ‘a kind of Scandinavian crispbread’.

The last meeting between the two which took place at Trump Tower in 2017, resulted in a number of unconfirmed sightings of the sexually insane, Zoroastrian, demon, Aka Manah, drinking in a bar in downtown Manhatten.

You’ve largely ignored the newspaper. Now, you can give the book a wide berth too!

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Artful Dodger Publications are proud to give you the opportunity to baulk violently at the mere thought of parting with your hard-earned dough in order to come into possession of this utterly inane anthology of satirical dross.

It contains 140 poorly-written, unfunny skits and fake news items, as well as all the pitifully unamusing characters you’ve come to loathe down the years.

So, if you’re looking for a hilarious collection of cleverly conceived satirical writing to purchase as an early Christmas gift for a friend or loved one, I’d give this horrendous excuse for humour a very wide berth indeed if I were you -Ed.

PS. If you do buy it at the ridiculously low, bargain price of £9.99, then we thank you most sincerely and may your God go with you.

Here’s a linkypoo:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1700490486/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=whitechapel+whelk&qid=1571452502&sr=8-2

PPS. There’s also a Kindle edition in case you’re skint or just a bit tight with money:

 

Brexiteer Francois will be invisible to the naked eye in his seventies say anthropologists

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Francois pictured not standing in a ditch last night

A body of Britain’s leading anthropologists have calculated, that, pint-sized, right-wing MP, Mark Francois, will only be visible through a microscope when he reaches the age of seventy, due to the natural shrinkage that affects the elderly.

A spokesman for The British Society of Anthropology told newsmen: “According to our study findings, Mr Francois will be roughly the size of a single-cell organism when he hits seventy years of age.

“He will be visible with the aid of a microscope initially, but we anticipate that he will probably disappear altogether in his nineties and become one with the ether.

Staunch Brexiteer, Francois, who currently measures just over twenty-nine inches in his stockinged feet, dismissed the claims as ‘scaremongering’ last night.

“This report is palpable nonsense and wild speculation, probably instigated by lefty scientists who can’t deal with the fact that we’re leaving the EU”

He also angrily scotched recent rumours that he slipped through the grating of a storm drain in Whitehall last week and had to be pulled free by sewer workers using a bit of string tied under his armpits.

Concerns grow as hundreds of Trump supporters are poached for their hides

 

The Whitechapel Whelk has learned that hundreds of Donald Trump supporters in some of the southern states of America have been killed by hunters who have then skinned them and sold their hides on the internet.

The pelts can fetch up to $12 each on the black market and are famed for their thickness, their blotchy redness around the neck area, and all-weather durability.

Many end up as car seat covers, or, in the case of extremely large pelts, as builders’ tarpaulins, which can be used to cover piles of bricks or open cement bags overnight.

A White House insider told us last night: “This disgusting trade in President Trump’s supporters has to stop. It’s bad enough that our popularity is dropping off alarmingly without these unscrupulous people preying on what remains of our support.

“I wouldn’t mind, but we didn’t have that many to start with. You only have to look at the poor turnout for the inauguration to see that”

Fears are now growing, that if something isn’t done to stop the growing trade in Trump supporter hides, the creatures could go on the endangered species list along with the white rhino, and also Whitechapel car mechanics, who are highly prized by housewives across the world who use their stuffed penises as rolling pins.

Jacob Rees-Mogg/Ann Widdecombe, saucy imagery cured my ‘hair-trigger’ sex problem says local man

A 30-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that conjuring up imagery of right-wing MP, Jacob Rees-Mogg, having sex with Brexit Party figurehead and former Strictly Come Dancing contestant, Ann Widdecombe, has been a major factor in overcoming the chronic premature ejaculation issues that have dogged him since his late teens.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver from Commercial Street, told us: “I’ve never been able to satisfy a woman in bed due to this hair-trigger problem of mine.

“My wife moved into the spare room years ago after growing tired of my constant failure to display any staying power.

“I’ve always had a problem in this area, and, once, in my early teens, had a shattering climax just by asking a girl in my class if I could borrow her ruler.

“Now, thanks to the imagery of Jacob Rees-Mogg and Ann Widdecombe going at it full pelt, I have found a new lease of life between the sheets.

“Last Saturday, I managed well over 5-minutes with the wife, although, I have to admit that I’d drunk 12 cans of Tennant’s Super before the off.”

Mr Dell’s revelation comes just a week after a 40-year-old milkman from neighbouring Poplar revealed that he’d increased his staying power tenfold by thinking about, Bake-Off presenter, Mary Berry, copping a vicious back-scuttling from motoring guru and journalist, Jeremy Clarkson.

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues highlighted in this piece, I’d keep it very much to yourself if I were you – Ed.

Ivanka Trump Bombshell Vow: I’ll Suck the Racism Out Of Blackface Trudeau

 

In a shock announcement last night, President Donald Trump’s daughter, Ivanka, vowed that she is willing to give underfire, Canadian prime minister, Justin Trudeau, oral sex in a bid to ‘suck the poison of racism out of his system’.

Trudeau has come under increasing pressure following the release of photographs showing him in blackface at fancy dress events in the early 90s, for which he has now issued a formal apology.

Speaking to newsmen last night, Ms Trump said: “I have met Justin and he’s no racist in my view.

“However, in case I’m wrong, I’m willing to suck his dick and draw the racist poison out of him

“As a leading world figure myself, I feel duty-bound to lend a hand so to speak.

“I’m serious. I don’t want people to think I’m paying lip service to this one.

“It’ll be like sucking the venom out of a snakebite but with less in the way of spitting afterwards”

President Trump seemed to be in full support of his daughter’s initiative last night when he took to Twitter “I’m not sure who this guy is, but if Ivanka thinks it’ll help then that’s terrific.

“Maybe I should have asked The Queen to blow me when I came to England a few months ago and I was taking flak from the press for throwing wetback kids in cages”

Trudeau himself has yet to comment but a government spokesman said last night: “Don’t you think the poor guy has suffered enough?”

There were no whores or drugs at opium den/brothel I frequented says Boris Johnson

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Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, last night strongly denied that there were any prostitutes or illicit drugs at a notorious Chinese brothel and opium den in Gerrard Street in London’s Soho district that he frequently visited during the 1970s

Speaking to newsmen while on a visit to a hospital yesterday, where he had earlier been accused of playing to the press by the father of a seriously ill child, to which Johnson responded by denying there being any newsmen present, he insisted: “All this nonsense about there being ladies of the night or illegal drugs at the establishment are utter poppycock.

“I freely admit attending the place from time to time, purely to unwind with a glass or two of iced tea and to chat to the young people, some of whom may or may not have been women, about politics, and on occasion, the world of sport.

“I understand there may be photographs of myself lying on a dirty bunk, inhaling from a clay pipe being held by a young lady with no clothes on, but I can categorically state that I was merely smoking a relaxing pipe of St Bruno Ready Rubbed and that the girl was naked because she didn’t want to taint her clothing with the smell of tobacco smoke.

“In fact, I doubt it was me at all, and if it was, the girl and the pipe must have been drawn on the photograph later with a pen similar to the one President Trump uses on weather maps”

Johnson’s statement comes just a week after he denied the existence of Parliament and that he had heard of anybody called, The Queen.

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