The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888



Russia cuts off gas supply to Number 27 Leman Street in Whitechapel

Zilchski. The Dell’s meter pictured on empty last night

In a shock move, seen as a reprisal measure for Britain’s continued military and political support for Ukraine, Russia last night announced that they will cut off the supply of gas to Number 27 Leman Street in the London district of Whitechapel from midnight tonight.

In a press release last night, the Russians made their position clear: ‘In view of Britain’s support for the rogue state of Ukraine, Russia will now cut off the gas to 27 Leman Street and if we could, we’d cut off their electric too’

The residents of the property are Mr and Mrs Toby Dell, both aged 54.

Mr Dell told newsmen: ‘This is a bit of a blow as our combi-boiler is gas-fired as is our central heating.

‘However, we will continue to support Ukraine in the war despite this move.

‘We will get round it by going to the wife’s mother’s place for our baths and a bit of a warm-up if it gets nippy in the evenings.’

This latest move by The Kremlin comes two weeks after a retaliatory Russian missile strike on the South London district of Bermondsey left thirty people homeless and over one million pounds worth of improvements in its wake.

I’ve been a sub-dom non-tax paying UK citizen for thirty years, says Jacob Rees-Mogg

Jacob speaking latin

Following on from the furore surrounding Chancellor Rishi Sunak’s wife’s non-dom tax avoidance status, The Leader of The House of Commons, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has told a newspaper that he’s been a non-tax-paying practitioner of a deviant sexual practice involving bondage and flagellation, colloquially referred to as submission/domination, or, sub/dom for short.

Speaking in The Sunday Times, Mogg, a devout Catholic, admitted: ‘I’ve been involved in the sub/dom world pretty much since I left Eton forty or so years back.

‘I think it’s a public school thing, to be honest.

‘We used to flog the younger boys regularly, and, on occasion, would get them to return the favour.

‘I opened a sub/dom bawdy house in St James’s after leaving school and ran the entire show for thirty years at a handsome profit without paying a penny in income tax.

‘I now fully intend to recompense the exchequer for the full amount and shall be asking my mistress in Pimlico to flog me to the bone by way of penance.’

Rees-Mogg was reprimanded by the Government Chief Whip in nineteen ninety-seven for asking a female House of Commons staff member to beat him bloody with a barbed scourge in the ladies’ toilets.

UK waives triple back somersault visa requirement for Ukrainian refugees aged 90 and above

Gymnast Girl Tumbling Leap Tumbling Tumble Sport
A student from Kharkiv pictured submitting her application for a 24-hour stay in the UK last night

In a remarkable U-turn, the government has amended the controversial, stringent entry visa requirements for Ukrainians fleeing their war-torn country.

Home Secretary, Priti Patel, has now agreed to allow all Ukrainian nationals over the age of 90 to enter the UK without first having to demonstrate the ability to perform a triple back somersault on camera, thereby completely removing the previous requirement.

Speaking in The House of Commons yesterday, Patel, who had been severely criticised by both sides of the House for her strict policy on allowing entry to the UK for refugees from the conflict in Ukraine, told MPs: ‘Following discussions with my colleagues in The Cabinet, I have decided to waive the triple back somersault stipulation and replace it with a double-back flip, plus piked full-twisting front exit.

‘This will apply to asylum-seekers over ninety years of age. The rest will have to give me the full triple as stipulated in the original requirement document.

‘However, concerns remain as to the security risk these people may pose, so we propose to throw them in jail after they have cleared passport control where they will be tortured with hot knives until they either come clean or deny any wrongdoing right up until the point of death.

‘We owe it to the taxpayers of this country to protect not only their security but their jobs and womenfolk too’

Prime Minister, Boris Johnson welcomed the move earlier, telling newsmen: ‘This country has a worldbeating record when it comes to immigration.

‘When it comes to immigration we have always been world-beating. Our record proves this. I can’t stress enough how world-beating we have been, not just on this issue but everything preceding it also.

‘It’s a bit like our world-beating vaccine roll-out and our world-beating willingness to party and get thoroughly shit-faced on the grog while the rest of the country were subject to our world-beating lockdown.’

Ukrainian President, Volodymyr Zelenskyy, responded to the news earlier, telling Sky News: ‘We welcome this move by our British friends at this time, however, we would prefer a world-beating no-fly zone above our country.

‘Otherwise, Mr Johnson will be announcing a world-beating death toll from his world-beating flat in Downing Street with its world-beating expensive wallpaper’.

More world-beating news as we get it.

PM plays down No.10 lockdown orgy furore: Staff only fondled using socially distanced hands on springs, says Johnson

‘They were like this hand but on springs’ Johnson explained to a BBC correspondent

Prime Minister, Boris Johnson was at the centre of another #Partygate storm last night as former key advisor, Dominic Cummings, told The Times newspaper that a Roman-style orgy was held at Ten Downing Street during the height of the 2020 lockdown.

Cummings claims that up to 100 guests, including the prime minister and his wife, romped naked while caterers hired by Number 10 passed around cheese and wine along with condoms and various sex toys.

In a no-holds-barred interview, Cummings claims: ‘It was like a Roman orgy in there, to be honest.

‘I saw Cabinet ministers and parliamentary private secretaries going at it full pelt on the carpet and tables.

‘At one point, I saw Jacob Rees-Mogg, who was dressed as a 19th century serving wench, being pleasured by Brexit hardman, Steve Baker and his missus.

‘When he shot his bolt, he started bawling out the national anthem in Latin.

‘I didn’t take part myself as my eyesight was playing up quite badly and I didn’t want to end up bumming one of the chaps by mistake.

‘I can tell you that people were going at it hammer and tongs, especially the Prime Minister and Carrie, and that after everyone had gone home, there was spadge and fanny batter everywhere, including all up the walls’

The Prime Minister, strongly refuted the claims last night: ‘There was a small, work-based gathering which I attended for no more than ten minutes.’ he told the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg.

‘There may have been some raucous horseplay after I left, during which, exhausted, hardworking staff let off a bit of steam, but I’ve been assured that any sexual contact was carried out using hands on springs in complete adherence to the distancing guidelines and that nobody actually got their end away, particularly me.’

This latest revelation comes just two weeks after, diminutive, far-right, Tory backbencher, Mark Francois, was censured by the 1922 Committee for appearing in a lurid dwarf porn video, filmed during Prince Philip’s funeral at Windsor Castle last April.

I’ll make Nanny Enid my Home Secretary, says Downing Street hopeful Rees Mogg

Jacob speaking latin

With underfire Prime Minister, Boris Johnson’s position looking increasingly precarious, his fellow Old Etonian and current Leader of The House of Commons, Jacob Rees-Mogg, appears to have thrown his hat into the ring in any forthcoming challenge for leadership of the Conservative Party.

Speaking to a fringe meeting of far-right Party members last night, Rees-Mogg said: ‘While I remain staunchly loyal to the Prime Minister, I’m also a realist and realise that a week is a long time in politics and he could be out on his ear by next Tuesday.

‘I should therefore like to put forward my case to fill the enormous gap that will be left, if and when he does get given his cucumber sandwiches wrapped in a road map at some point.

‘My Cabinet will consist of various Eton alumni, irrespective of political experience and based entirely on fortitude, moral fibre, religious zeal, and size of investment portfolio.

‘I haven’t decided on the allocation of the great offices of state quite yet as I’m waiting for the bribes to come in, but I can tell you that my childhood nanny, Miss Enid Chombley-Arkwright will be given the job of Home Secretary on the grounds of her staunchness of character, her knowledge of outlandish homemade cure-alls, and, above all, her firm and unflinching administration of the lash, which will hopefully keep troublesome backbenchers in line prior to entering the voting lobbies.’

Rees-Mogg went on to announce his vision for a ‘bright, new Conservative Britain’ by outlining plans to bring back, chimney sweeps, discounted gruel for street urchins whose parents voted for Brexit, and public executions, linked to the death penalty for stealing another chap’s tuck during evensong or masturbating to pictures of Matron while skiving behind a tree during the school’s annual hare and hounds cross country run.

Rees-Mogg, a colourful parliamentarian since 2010, recently came under fire from a parliamentary select committee who quizzed him for three days after accusations were levelled that he had sanctioned the roasting to death of three Liberal Democrat MPs in front of the log fire in his Palace of Westminster study after they had advocated free school meals for the ethnic minority children of unemployed LGBTQ activists.

PC Ted Stupor: The drink-fuelled London bobby you can trust

PC Ted (New)

Evening all!

Now, London can be an extremely difficult place to retain law and order, with rowdy public demonstrations just one of the daily situations that we bobbies are confronted with on an almost daily basis.

Take last Friday for example.

With feelings running high following yet more revelations of raucous parties being held in the offices at Downing Street at the height of the pandemic, we found ourselves called out to a rowdy demo in Whitehall where hundreds of angry protestors had gathered to express their rage at the fragrant breaches of lockdown guidelines by the very people charged with implementing them.

We sped to the scene, mob-handed, and while my colleagues joined the protestors in calling for Johnson to do the decent thing and resign, I shot into The Moon On The Mall boozer and sank 15 pints of Stella with half a dozen Jim Beam chasers.

As I staggered out into the street just after midnight and began to make my way back to the nick, having soiled myself and with sick down my tunic, I was filled with a sense of satisfaction as I noticed that all was once again quiet and that, thanks to our efforts, the very best of order had been restored.

Evenin’ all!

Ted Stupor is the honorary vice-president of the Liver Disease and Temporary Amnesia Society

Toddler savaged by government watchdog


There were calls for changes to The Dangerous Bureaucrats Act last night after a 3-year-old girl was admitted to Great Ormond Street Hospital suffering from wounds inflicted by a Government Watchdog that had been left free to roam inside The Palace of Westminster.

The toddler who hasn’t been named, suffered a number of sickening injuries which included being bored witless by endless pontificating and mindless conjecture.

The mite was reportedly badly savaged in front of a dim-witted tribunal of bumbling members of The House Of Lords who were so bladdered on Glenfiddich and Wincarnis they didn’t know if they wanted a shit or haircut.

The child’s mother, looking visibly distressed, spoke briefly to reporters last night: “It’s every parents worse nightmare to see their baby subjected to an ordeal like this.

‘We were thinking of buying her a small quango for Christmas but there’s just no way now.

‘She’s so traumatised she no longer wants to listen to The Today Programme on Radio 4 and only last night she curled up into a ball and began shaking uncontrollably during the music to Question Time.”

The watchdog’s owner Mr B. Johnson of Westminster spoke to reporters through a mesh grill in his front door last night

“I can’t believe this has happened in all honesty. I’ve had that watchdog since it was a tiny public enquiry into minor civil misdemeanours and it’s always been as gentle as a lamb.

‘I used to let my two kids go into a committee room with that watchdog and they’d jump on the chairman’s back and pull his ears without so much as a mild rebuke and now this has happened.

‘Admittedly there have been a couple of times it’s had a bit of a go at one or two select committees that have been allowed to wander around off the lead, but at the end of the day, it was only defending it’s territory.

‘I’m absolutely distraught, to be honest with you. It goes without saying I’ll have it destroyed at the very next cabinet meeting.”

Last night a police watch was being kept on Mr Johnson’s’s home to prevent repercussions from vigilante neighbours and irate members of the electorate who want to confront the PM over the Brexit disaster and for proposing to scrap capital gains tax on second homeownership.

EU ban AstraZeneca jab after German man treads on Lego brick in his bare feet

lego-spare-parts-brick-2x4-red (1)

Countries across the European Union have brought the desperately-needed rollout of the AstraZeneca vaccine to an immediate halt following an incident in Cologne in which a man in his thirties trod on a piece of Lego in his bare feet as he made his way to the toilet in the dark just weeks after receiving the jab.

A spokesperson for the twenty-eight country trading bloc said last night: “Until we can rule out a link between the vaccine and this gentleman’s foot injury due to treading on a plastic brick we are halting any further rollout of the vaccine at this time.

“We may be dying like flies over here but we have to put people’s safety first”

The World Health Organisation responded last night: “Incidents of Lego injuries are actually lower than normal for this period so we can categorically rule out any link between the AstraZeneca vaccine and this German bloke’s foot trauma”

This is the second major halt of the Oxford-AstraZeneca vaccine in the last month.

On March 20th, both France and The Netherlands banned the jab for the over ninety age group after a ninety-seven-year-old woman mysteriously died after falling headlong down the stairs with a bottle of Absinthe in her hand at her home in Lens just a month after her second shot of the British vaccine.

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