Search

Category

politics

Biden: I’ll make Whitechapel the mouth organ capital of the world

mouth-organ-isolated-white-background-image-contains-copy-space-172937858

In a surprise announcement last night, President-elect Joe Biden, pledged to make the London District of Whitechapel the mouth organ-playing capital of the world.

Speaking to reporters in Wilmington Delaware, Biden said: “Following the complete chaos of the Trump presidency, I feel it is time to restore faith in the United States on the world stage

“A time to heal the divide that now exists between our great country and our overseas neighbours.

“So what better way to build bridges and to restore the respect for America that has been tragically lost during the last four years than to make Whitechapel the mouth organ capital of the entire world.

“The Treasury Secretary has agreed to invest four billion dollars in the project initially, with a rolling annual donation of a further one billion starting this March.

“Every man, woman and child will be provided with a mouth organ in a faux leather pouch with a genuine microfibre cloth to keep it shiny and free from finger-marks

“Lessons will be mandatory and conducted every two hours by a specially-trained mouth organ maestro from one of our United States harmonica academies.

“This great country of ours will not rest until we have put Whitechapel at the very summit of human achievement when it comes to learning the mouth organ in a very short time.”

Whitechapel residents greeted the news with enthusiasm last night.

Toby Dell, a 54-year-old forklift truck engineer from Dean Street told a CNN reporter: “This is outstanding news and a massive boost to the whole of the neighbourhood.

“I knew things were going to look up when they got rid of the orange cretin but this is beyond my wildest dreams, to be honest.

“The wife and I have already started learning, If I Were The Marrying Kind, and, The Rose Of Tralee, in bed at night.

The last time a London district was given special attention by an overseas country was in 1968 when Belgium voted Bermondsey in south London as the place they would most like to bomb into the Stone Age.

download (3)

BREAKING: Emboldened White House aide pulls down sleeping Trump’s eyelids to prevent bug-eyed lunatic look.

putin-trump-bed

A White House official, emboldened by the US election result, last night crept into The Oval Office, where President Donald Trump has been sleeping since the outcome became clear, and gently closed his eyelids in a bid to prevent the sleeping POTUS from freaking out fellow staffers who have complained that his habit of sleeping with his eyes open has unnerved them.

The unnamed aide told The Whelk: “He looks and sounds insane enough when he’s awake, so you can imagine what he looks like when he sleeps with his eyes open.

“He’s one crazy fuck and we all can’t wait until Joe and his wife move in on January 20th.

“I know that a number of my colleagues have been really freaked out by the way he sleeps.

“One lady told me that she entered the Oval Office to grab a file and he was asleep, flat on his back on the desk with his eyes wide open.

“As she was leaving, he farted loudly, sat bolt upright, tugged on his belt and yelled, ‘Daddy, is it that time again?”

“She said he looked like one crazy sonofabitch and she got the hell out real quick”

Trump is not the only Republican President to take his repose in the Oval Office.

In 2003, President George W Bush climbed on top of his desk and slept soundly for three hours while British Prime Minister, Tony Blair was explaining to him how he had found God.

Trump in bid to set up ‘New America’ on Olly Murs’ big face

Olly - Copy

It is being widely reported that defeated US President, Donald Trump, is making plans to set up an election-free alternative America on the enormous face of Brit pop idol Olly Murs.

The leaked plan involves building a new White House, complete with golf course, on the northern reaches of Murs’ face, probably on his forehead which is estimated to consist of over thirty thousand square miles of largely undeveloped skin.

The middle part around the cheeks and nose will be predominantly industrial, with a largely blue-collar population, plus a Mexican contingent who will cut their lawns and take care of their children while they’re at work in the factories.

The upper lip and chin area will be turned into a new Deep South, where white people with appalling dental hygiene will have sex with their mums and dads while black people will pick cotton and compose Negro spirituals which the men will sing around the campfire at night while the womenfolk rub raw cane spirit into their whip injuries.

We contacted Murs last night who told us: “You must be joking. I’m not having that mad orange twat and his fascist mates setting up a dictatorship on my big face.

“In any case, Jeremy Corbyn has already moved two thousand of his loyalist supporters onto my forehead with a view to building a new Socialist Utopia where the workers can live free from the yoke of the capitalist hyenas without fear of exploitation by the boss classes or recrimination from the media when they’re having a go at the Jews”

More as we get it.

Now Trump’s gone, Bill Gates and I can drink children’s blood with no more fear, says Tom Hanks

ha

Hollywood superstar, Tom Hanks has expressed relief that Donald Trump has lost the race for the presidency, claiming that Trump’s tireless crusade to stop him drinking kidnapped children’s blood supplied by billionaire Microsoft magnate, Bill Gates, has caused him many sleepless nights throughout the last four years.

“President Trump has been a massive problem for both myself and Bill”, he told The Washington Post.

“Bill sends me regular consignments of blood which he personally syphons from kidnapped orphans that he keeps in tunnels beneath the streets of London.

“Thanks to him I manage to remain youthful-looking, which not only helps me to get roles that call for a man half my age but it also comes in mighty handy for getting next to the young pussy.

“The QAnon movement, led by Trump has really cramped our style with their tireless crusade to free orphan ass, but now that Joe is taking over we’ll be able to drink our fill and maybe even chow down on some tender, underage flesh too”

A spokesman for the Trump organisation said last night: “The President can’t comment right now. In fact, nobody even knows where’s he’s at.

“He was supposed to be at a Veteran’s With Bonespurs rally yesterday but both he and Airforce One are missing.

“Maybe he took off for a weekend of golf to remind himself of how things used to be when he was in office”

More as we get it.

BREAKING: Buckingham Palace deny ‘unseemly’ celebrations following US election outcome

trump blimp with queen (2)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Due to the coronavirus pandemic, there will be no Saturday edition of The Whitechapel Whelk. This has nothing to do with the fact that we’re going to be on the lash in The Blind Beggar tonight, celebrating the cleansing of the shit stain that has fouled the Oval Office for the last four years. Oh no. That’s not going to be the case at all.

Donald Trump used anti-5G lamppost to save my children from paedo terror, says local woman

trump pie chart

A 35-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that the reason her three youngsters haven’t been abducted by a paedophile gang is down to a recently installed lamppost¬†in her street which she claims was commissioned by US President Donald Trump, primarily to ward off death-dealing 5G covid-19 rays being emitted from the other lampposts and also her microwave oven.

Tracy Dell, a housewife and mother of three told us: “I live in fear of my kids being abducted by paedos, but thanks to President Trump’s anti-5G lamppost, they have all remained safe.

“It was only installed a few months back but I knew immediately it was a Trump lamppost because it had a bit of orange paint on it that set it apart from the others, in the same way that Donald’s skin makes it easier to distinguish him from his wife and Mike Pence who are much whiter.

“Since that lampost went up not one of my kids has been kidnapped by nonces, nor have any of them contracted 5G-generated covid, although my hubby died from it last week.

“I can’t thank the president enough and have written to him at The White House and have also sent letters to Amanda Holden and Eamon Holmes off the telly, as I know they’re just as scared of 5G covid rays as I am”

Mrs Dell’s assertion comes just five days after a man from neighbouring Stepney complained that Bill Gates was syphoning blood from his 4-year-old cat and giving it to Tom Hanks so that the star could drink it in a bid to stay young-looking.

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece it might be an idea to give your head a bit of a wobble, or failing that, to throw yourself in the Thames with an anvil chained around your neck – Ed.

BREAKING: FBI SEIZE TRUMP’S LAPTOP

 

trumps laptop

Federal agents were also seen leaving The White House carrying copies of My Very First Pop-up Book Of Farmyard Animals and a box containing a number of brightly coloured wooden bricks.

More as we get it.

Politics in Brief: Trump and Pence to woo voters with Duelling Banjos

banjo
Jared Kushner pictured last night

The White House press office has announced that President Donald Trump, and his Vice President, Mike Pence, will go on the campaign trail in the run-up to the November election with a performance of the grammy-winning duet, Duelling Banjos.

A press spokesman told newsmen last night: “The President and Vice-President are both huge fans of the movie, Deliverance, particularly the Duelling Banjos scene, and have decided to replicate it at rallies over the coming weeks to keep the crowds entertained, and, in particular, the sizeable inbred contingent’

A White House insider last night revealed that, while the vice-president has pretty much nailed the piece almost in its entirety after a few day’s intensive tuition, President Trump has been less adept at mastering his instrument and keeps trying to play it by putting the machine head in his mouth and blowing.

More as we get it.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑