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The Whitechapel Whelk

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Boris Calls For Return of Public Hanging

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“Hang some sense into ’em!” Boris pictured campaigning in Surrey last night

In what is being seen as a bid to upstage his fellow prime ministerial hopeful, Jeremy Hunt, Boris Johnson yesterday told a local Conservative Party association that one of the first things he would do as PM would be to reintroduce public hanging.

Speaking in Dorking in Surrey, Johnson told members: “Public hanging is part of our urban culture and heritage and the sooner it’s back on the statute books the better.

“I would move to have the initial hangings carried out outside The Old Bailey, like they used to be in the good old days, with a view to building a public gallows in every major city in the land.

“Revenue would be raised by selling tickets to these events with special discounts for those in the upper tax brackets”

Hunt, who yesterday said he would move to bring back foxhunting, responded by vowing to implement a return to sending little boys up chimneys and to reintroduce keelhauling and the lash as punishments for sodomy in The Royal Navy

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Boris Johnson was perfect gentleman during our night of bare-faced lying and hard-right ideology says, Sarah Sanders

Sarah Sanders
Sanders strongly denies any contact with Johnson’s Johnson

Ex-Whitehouse press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, last night appeared to fly to the defence of beleaguered British prime ministerial hopeful, Boris Johnson, when she told newsmen, that during a late night discussion on far-right politics last year, Johnson’s behaviour towards her was impeccable

Sanders, 36, told assembled reporters, “Boris and I met at my New York apartment at around 11.00 pm in June of last year, where we spent the evening churning out unsubstantiated lies and rumours about a number of left-leaning politicians, both here in the US and in the UK also.

“We also discussed extreme right-wing ideology and formulated possible schemes for surreptitiously introducing it into mainstream politics in both our countries

“During the entire time, Boris behaved like a perfect gentleman.

“At no stage did he give the impression that he would like to take things a little further, let alone try any inappropriate moves.

“We parted with a warm handshake at the door, although I did think he was going to kiss me on the cheek at one point.

“To be honest, I was a little disappointed as I was wearing a pair of black, lacy, open crotch knickers under my business suit just in case”

LOCAL NEWS

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WORLD NEWS

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BREAKING

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UPDATE: The President has now been discharged from hospital following treatment for abrasions and exhaustion. A hospital spokesperson said last night: “What a weapons-grade throbber. Can you believe we elected this bozo because I sure as hell can’t” – Associated Press

The Queen ‘mightily pissed off’ at having to get out of bed to sign Brexit bill says insider

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Not amused. The Queen pictured putting a brave face on it last night

A Buckingham Palace insider has told The Whitechapel Whelk that The Queen was none too happy after being made to get out of bed to give a signed royal assent to the cross-party European Union (Withdrawal) (No 5) Bill last night.

“When Her Majesty was told that the bill had been accepted by The House of Commons and that she needed to put her signature to it she was mightily pissed off and kept muttering, ‘fuck’s sake’, and, ‘poxy Brexit’ under her breath as she waited in her dressing gown for the document to arrive”, the insider revealed.

The Queen famously likes to retire at 10.00 pm each night after watching the 9.00 pm thrillers on the BBC or ITV, although she does stay up later on Saturdays to watch all the day’s goal highlights on Match Of The Day.

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Melania Trump bombshell: Theresa May caught me with a number of powerful body shots in the Buck House lift.

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Trump thumped. Mrs Trump pictured putting a brave face on it last night

United States First Lady, Melania Trump, has told a magazine that, Brit Prime Minister, Theresa May, beat her about the body in a lift at Buckingham Palace during President Trump’s official visit to Great Britain last year.

Speaking to The New Yorker, Mrs Trump says: “Donald and myself were coming down in the lift from our bedroom on the top floor.

“As we reached the 1st floor, the doors opened and Mrs May rushed in looking absolutely furious.

“Before I could cover up with my elbows, she caught me with a thunderous body shot to the ribs, sickening me and causing me to go down on one knee.

“As I got up, she continued to go downstairs and crashed home 5 or 6 big bombs to the lower abdomen and then sent me back down with a blistering uppercut to the solar plexus.

“There was no way back for me from that one and I stayed down until we got to the ground floor where Donald dragged me out and tipped the remains of his can of Coke over my head to revive me.

“Throughout the attack, Mrs May remained silent although she did call me a ‘loser’ and a ‘chump’ before walking away.

“Donald told me that she’d been under a lot of pressure with this Brexit business and was probably just looking for someone to take it out on”

This is not the first time that a visiting dignitary has been set upon by a serving British Prime Minister

In 1967, The Sultan of Brunei was treated for  concussion and facial cuts after Labour PM, Harold Wilson, knocked him unconscious with a tremendous right cross to the temple after opening up with a barrage of powerful hooks and uppercuts during an official luncheon engagement at London’s Guild Hall.

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