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Virus Fears Grow as Covid-19 Contracts Nadine Dorries

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Ms Dorries pictured during her appearance on I’m A Celeb, trying to work out how to put on a hat

There was growing alarm amongst senior officials at the Department of Health last night after the killer virus, Covid-19, was found to have become infected by Junior Health Minister, Nadine Dorries.

A spokesperson for the department told newsmen: “A member of our research team, a leading microbiologist, was examining a Covid-19 sample under the microscope when he noticed it behaving oddly.

“Initially it began speaking in a poorly-disguised Liverpool accent.

It then began venturing crackpot opinions on subjects of which it had absolutely no knowledge.

“It tried to convince our man that Brexit was going to be beneficial to the entire country and that all this talk of dire economic consequences was just Project Fear being spread by unpatriotic lefty snowflakes, talking the country down.

“It then asked for a bit of time off from the lab to appear on I’m A Celeb.

The public has been warned to be on the alert for symptoms of this new mutation which manifests itself through, a constant dry cough, breathing difficulties, and the overwhelming compulsion to start acting like a weapons-grade dullard in public.

People showing signs of any of these symptoms are being asked to self-isolate without delay and then to contact, PM, Boris Johnson who will immediately offer them a highly paid job in The Cabinet.

Elizabeth Warren harpooned me and left me for dead says ITV’s Eamonn Holmes

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Thar he blows. Holmes pictured during happier times, enjoying a recent break in Antigua

TV presenter, Eamonn Holmes, has told a magazine that former White House hopeful, Elizabeth Warren, hurled a whaling harpoon into his side as he swam in the ocean at Southend in Essex and then rowed away leaving him to bleed to death in the water.

Speaking in this week’s TV Choice magazine, the roly-poly host of ITV’s Good Morning, recalls: “I was taking a dip with my wife, Kate, after recording an interview with Sir Cliff Richard on Southend pier.

“I had dived down a few feet to get my hair wet and had just broken the surface when I felt this enormous jolt in my side.

“I then heard a woman’s voice, yelling, “Thar she blows”, and saw Senator Elizabeth Warren standing in a rowboat, holding a coil of rope that was attached to a spear-like weapon that was embedded in my side.

“I quickly realised that she’d harpooned me and dived deep below the surface in a bid to pay out the line and hopefully break free.

“Fortunately, Kate had seen what happened and managed to sever the rope with her diver’s knife.

“Warren then began furiously rowing away, cursing loudly at the loss of her quarry.

“It has taken me over two weeks to recover and I’ve had to ask Philip Schofield to stand in for me on the show while my wounds healed.

“Like the trouper he is, Phil agreed to help me out, despite the fact that he’d come out as an arse bandit just a couple of days before and wanted a few days off to escape the media glare”

Warren declined to comment last night but a close aide told us that she had hoped to sell Holmes’ blubber to the Japanese to help fund her campaign for the Democratic Party nomination.

Pilchard Spittlejohn: The extreme right-wing journo they can’t gag

Pilchard Spittlejohn1

All this coronavirus business. You couldn’t make it up, could you?

In my view, it’s a complete fabrication, dreamed up by leftie snowflakes to pour cold water on Brexit and to discredit President Trump.

If I was Boris, I’d round up all these malingerers with so-called covid-19 and shoot the bloody lot of ’em at dawn.

This great country of hours needs men of character and women that realise that their place is to walk two yards behind them, not a bunch of light-footed, libtard fairies and sensible shoe-wearing harridans, clumping down the road like Irish navvies.

And while we’re on the subject of fairies. You couldn’t make ’em up, could you?

Take that Philip Schofield off the telly for example. He’s whining about self-isolating himself for two weeks in case he’s got coronavirus.

Self-isolating? I would have thought he’s had enough of being cooped-up lately. The bloody great poof only got out of the closet a couple of weeks ago, for Christ’s sake.

If I had my way, I’d round up all these light-footed pooftahs and hang the lot of ’em at dawn.

Here’s something else you couldn’t make up. I actually saw a bloke in the pub, handing over a bunch of flowers to a woman the other day.

I nearly choked on my pint. What is a woman doing in a public house when there’s cooking and cleaning to be done?

You quite literally couldn’t make people like these up and the sooner the government grows a spine and beheads a few at dawn, the sooner this country will get some respect from foreigners. Like we used to in the war.

Pilchard Spittlejohn is sub-editor of Jew-Baiters and Fascist Caravaners Monthly

DISCLAIMER: Pilchard Spittlejohn is absolutely not based on, swivel-eyed, Daily Express cunt, Richard Littlejohn, in any way, shape or form. No, that’s right out that is.

EXTRA!

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We were going to lead with a piece about President Trump’s assertion yesterday that ‘old flu vaccine’ could be used to innoculate against covid-19 but we were concerned that our reputation as doughty and fearless purveyors of truth might come under fire. – Ed

PC Ted Stupor in: Legless in Brexitland

PC Ted (New)

Evenin’ all

Policing a sprawling, multicultural city like London can be a taxing and often hazardous task as I found out to my cost last night.

At around 15.00, our sarge summoned us into the briefing room and told us that we were being assigned to police the Brexit leaving party scheduled for 19.30 in Parliament Square.

We arrived in plenty of time at around 17.00 and while my colleagues deployed around the perimeter I began searching for drink.

It was a pretty fruitless task initially as the Mayor had declared the area an alcohol-free zone to prevent the Brexiteers from getting rowdy and poking each other in the eye with their little Union Jacks on sticks.

By 20.00 my mouth was like the bottom of a baby’s pram and I was seriously thinking of abandoning my post and going for a few jars in The Albert in Victoria Street.

Then, I spotted a group of elderly revellers who had somehow managed to smuggle a crate of Wincarnis tonic wine past the cordon.

With not a moment to lose, I raced over, snatched a couple of bottles and began tucking in as if there were no tomorrow.

At just after 23.00, I celebrated Britain leaving the EU by spewing my ring up all over one old grunter’s zimmer frame and pissing in the ear of an old dear in a wheelchair while she sang the national anthem.

Evenin all.

PC Ted Stupor is vice-chairman of the Metropolitan Liver Carnage Society

Brexit woman ‘gutted’ as commemorative tea towel disintegrates during first wash

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A 54-year-old woman from the north of England has expressed her dismay after the commemorative Brexit tea towel she had bought just days earlier fell to bits in the washing machine during its maiden wash.

Amanda Dann, a housewife and mother of two from Leeds, told the Yorkshire Post newspaper: “I was gutted when my Brexit tea towel fell to bits.

“It was a really nice one too with pictures of Nigel Farage and British bulldogs on it.

“It wasn’t cheap either. I paid fifty pounds for it from an online company called, The White Crusaders.co.uk.

“They told me that half the money would be given to a pressure group dedicated to driving all the blacks into the sea.

“I can only assume it was made abroad. Probably Africa or one of those other EU countries.”

When it was pointed out to Mrs Dann that the product was manufactured in Barnsley she became red in the face and began repeatedly yelling, “You lost, get over it” before collapsing to the floor.

ADVISORY NOTE: If you’re not from London and want to attend the Brexit leaving party scheduled to take place in Parliament Square, here are some directions: Head south towards Oxford and keep going until you come to a big town with a river running through it and a happy, thriving, multicultural populace.

FOOTNOTE: Don’t try to find your way by heading towards the bongs of Big Ben. There ain’t gonna be any.

SURVEY: Intelligence Quotient at Brexit Celebration Will Mirror 1960s Chimp’s Tea Party

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Brexit Party members pictured in earnest discussion last week

A recent survey carried out by Swansea University has found that the average level of intelligence per attendee at the forthcoming Brexit celebratory gathering in Parliament Square on January 31st will be roughly on a par with a primate at one of the chimp’s tea parties that were held at London Zoo in the 1960s.

The study, conducted among a cross-section of Brexit enthusiasts who have expressed a desire to attend, found that the intellect of some party-goers was so woefully low that many were unable to complete the questionnaire, or defaced it by scribbling over the questions in green crayon.

The party itself – the brainchild of Brexit poster boy, Nigel Farage – will feature appearances from prominent Brexiteers such as Weatherspoons boss, Tim Martin, pop star, Morrisey, and diminutive MP, Mark Francois, who will be provided with a box to stand on so that he can see over the table.

Red, white, and blue jelly, British fizzy pop, and bulldog-shaped cupcakes will be provided on the night with all proceeds going to Mr Farage’s favourite charity, Fascists In Need.

It is understood that due to the great age of some of the revellers, incontinence pads and Phylosan injections will be available if required.

Older partygoers will also be able to join in some old parlour game favourites such as; Pin The Tail On The Darky, Musical Wheelchairs, and, Beat Your Romanian Benefits Cheat Neighbour Out of Doors.

A large section of those in attendance are expected to consist of people from the north of England, so whippet watering stations, Hovis jam butties, and cloth cap pegs will be laid on to accommodate this contingent.

The evening will end at midnight with a rousing rendition of Hearts Of Oak and Jerusalem, with flashcards displaying the words being held up by helpers for the benefit of the small number who are able to read.

Jacob Rees-Mogg to spend 12th Xmas in succession trying to get lid off chutney jar

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In a bit of a pickle. Rees-Mogg pictured exhausted after trying to get the top from a bottle of tomato sauce in the canteen

Leader of The House of Commons, Jacob Rees-Mogg, is set to spend his 12th successive Christmas struggling to get the lid off a jar of chilli and onion chutney that his wife bought in 2007 to go with the cold meat and mashed potatoes on Boxing Day.

A Westminster source has revealed that Rees-Mogg has tried everything to remove the lid, including; tapping the edge with a knife, wrenching it off using Mole Grips, wedging it in a door jamb, and using a Stilsens pipe wrench to twist the cap free.

“Jacob has very weak wrists’, the source reveals. “He always struggled to get the lids off of his bottles of pop at Eton and used to ask one of the smaller boys to do it for him.

“He’s a persistent chap though and once spent an entire day trying to flush the lavatory in The Commons after they’d had new press down handle cisterns installed.

“Eventually, he gave up and asked the Shadow Home Secretary, Diane Abbot, to do it for him.

“However, she had little luck herself after repeated flushings failed to dislodge a stubborn ‘submarine’ that he’d left stuck on the bottom”

Rees-Mogg angrily denied the rumours last night, pointing to the fact that he regularly pumps up the tyres on his penny-farthing bicycle and once ‘made the Queens eyes water’ with the firmness of his grip as he took her hand before kissing it during the recent controversial request to prorogue Parliament in August this year.

However, Rees-Mogg’s wife, Helena, confirmed the chutney story last night when she told newsmen: “I’m afraid I can’t deny the fact that Jacob’s been struggling with that jar.

“It’s become a bit of a family joke down the years, to be honest with you.

“For you see, nobody’s got the heart to tell him he’s been turning it the wrong way”

Corbyn beat me up in the toilets: Boris Johnson’s shock claim

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Opposition bleeder: Corbyn pictured shortly before battering Johnson

Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, told newsmen last night that defeated opposition leader, Jeremy Corbyn, attacked him in a House of Commons lavatory last week leaving him bruised and bleeding from a gaping head wound.

Johnson, who had just delivered his opening address to The Commons following his thumping election win last Thursday, told reporters: “After my speech, I needed to visit the toilet and excused myself from the chamber.

“I was standing at the urinal when Corbyn flew in, cursing and calling me all the names under the sun.

“He slammed my head against the tiles and then started raining punches on me as I collapsed to the ground.

“He then went in with the boot, delivering a number of kicks to my head and lower back.

“I was in awful pain and begged him to stop, but he just shouted that I was a flash, Tory monkey and carried on with the attack.

“Eventually, he seemed to run out of steam. He gave me a final boot in the ribs, called me a few more names and left.

“So much for the so-called, kinder, gentler politics, he had promised when he became leader”

Corbyn’s attack comes almost exactly a year after Labour MP, Yvette Cooper, was admonished by The Speaker, John Bercow, after she head-butted the then Prime Minister, Theresa May, as the members filed out of the chamber to deliver a vote on Mrs May’s 3rd EU Withdrawl Agreement.

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