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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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I won’t let Trump build new golf course on my big face, vows Olly Murs

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Big-faced pop icon, Olly Murs, last night rebuffed a move by disgraced former US President, Donald Trump, to build a links-style, eighteen-hole golf course on his gigantic face.

During an exclusive Whelk interview, Murs, 85, told us: “I’ve allowed my big face to be used for a number of projects down the years, from a film set for a movie about the moon landings to a refugee camp for thirty thousand fleeing victims of the war in Syria. However, I draw the line at allowing Trump to build a golf course on my massive dial for him and his odious Republican cronies.

“Can you imagine the horror of having Rudy Giuliani teeing off close to one of my eyes and catching a glimpse of his cock and balls up his trouser leg?

“Even if I did allow the project to go ahead, what are the chances of getting paid?

“The guy’s a notorious crook with a long history of reneging on his debts, and in any case, he’ll be in jail before the end of the year”

It is now believed that a request has been submitted to roly-poly morning TV presenter, Eamonn Holmes, to build the course on the cheeks of his gigantic, flabby arse.

Mr Murs requested that his fee for this interview be donated to the Variety Club of Great Britain children’s charity but we’re going to keep it and spend it on drink and pussy – Ed

Biden to spend next 72-hours looking for tips on Facebook

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Newly-inaugurated President of The United States, Joe Biden, is set to spend the first three days of his presidency poring over Facebook posts in a bid to learn how best to govern America, a White House insider told us last night.

The aide revealed: “Even though President Biden has held high office for forty years, including two terms as vice-president, he realises that he needs the wisdom and the considered views of people on Facebook to guide him through what will arguably be the most difficult, challenging, and arduous first term of any president in the history of our country.

“He is also hoping to check out a few dinner pics, along with some alarming images of people’s hideous-looking kids.”

His plans have received a mixed reaction so far, with one local man, Toby Dell, from Thrawl Street, telling us: “Personally, I think President Biden should rely on his huge experience in high office to plan the way forward, but I suppose if he wants to form his strategy based on the opinions of a bunch of industrial-strength arsehats with too much time on their hands on a social media platform that’s up to him.

“At the end of the day, he can’t make a worse job of it than the last mad cunt”

A White House spokesperson last night refused to comment when asked about rumours that Vice-President, Kamala Harris, had spent the night, scrolling down her Twitter feed, looking for advice on how best to deal with pressure from The Federal Reserve.

Editor’s Note: President Biden is a fine man and we are wholly convinced that he will do the best job possible in the face of pretty horrendous odds. The above piece is aimed at the social media idiots who seem to thing that the way forward is to start giving the guy tips before he’s had a chance to open a beer and stick his presidential trotters up on the Oval Office desk. The sun shone for the president yesterday and a bright new day has dawned in the Land Of The Free. Amen.

I won’t rest until I’ve followed every blog on WordPress, vows Biden

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United States President-Elect, Joe Biden, broke away from his inauguration preparations earlier to tell a Whelk reporter that his primary goal before he addresses the current health emergency and the rise of the far-right is to follow every blog on WordPress in a bid to get huge quantities of likes everytime he publishes a piece.

“I’ve noticed that some contributors are attracting literally hundreds of likes despite the fact that their own output is absolute garbage”, he told us.

“There’s one dude wearing an army hat who regularly attracts huge amounts of likes and his blog is a real piece of boring crap.

“I can only put it down to the fact that he follows just about every blog on the whole damn site, from appalling self-published book bandits to the blogs based on self-help, dieting, and sceptic tank-emptying.

“I aim to kick that guys ass and become the most successful blogger of all damn times”

When our reporter asked him how he was going to find time to read all those blogs, he chuckled and replied: “Read ’em? Hell, nobody reads other people’s shit.

“You just scroll down the reader and click on the little star gizmo beneath the blogs that follow you back.

“I only ever read two blogs with any degree of regularity and that’s, The Shinbone Star, because they rip the piss out of Trump, and, The Whitechapel Whelk, which is a limey newspaper cobbled together by a bunch of East London juice-head satirists.

“It’s a damn funny read and I’m going to reward those boys by awarding them The Congressional Medal of Honour or some shit like dat”

In tomorrow’s edition: ‘How I bagged myself eighty thousand Twitter followers by posting saucy shower pics of Prince Philip, by Her Majesty The Queen.

FREE INSIDE TODAY’S WHITECHAPEL WHELK

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We had an editorial staff meeting earlier in an attempt to write an amusing post script to this one but decided instead to point you towards this clown’s latest attempt to defraud the American electorate in a somewhat deranged and ever more desperate call to the governor of Georgia as it’s much funnier than anything we could come up with.

The poor sod is now clearly as nutty as a squirrel’s underpants, and, loathe as we are to lampoon the mentally unstable, we have decided to make an exception in the case of this mad orange fuck. – Ed

Britain will conquer and lay waste any country that takes our fish, says Foreign Office

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A Royal Navy man-o-war standing ready to join the invasion fleet last night

The government seemingly toughened their stance on protecting Britain’s fishing rights last night by announcing that any country encroaching into British waters will be invaded and their cities sacked and burned.

A Foreign Office spokesman told newsmen: “Post-Brexit, Britain will be a sovereign nation once more and free to police our borders and fishing waters as we see fit.

‘The government have decided to conquer any nation whose rogue fishing boats enter our waters, enslave the populace, sack and pillage the cities and make these dominions British colonies like we used to do in the old days.

‘The British Army, The Royal Navy, and the RAF are now in readiness and will launch an invasion the minute our fish appear to be at risk from foreigners.’

Governments around the world reacted strongly to the threat last night, with many calling the decision over-the-top and expansionist.

The United States were a little more guarded, however.

A White House press officer told reporters: “The president has been informed of this move by the British but has urged caution while he finds out what, ‘laying waste’ means’

Concession rumours grow as Trump searches Oval Office for missing coloured brick

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A senior White House insider has revealed that President Donald Trump spent yesterday afternoon on his hands and knees in the Oval Office, searching for a missing coloured brick from his toy, builders set; a clear indication that Trump is now resigned to leaving the White House on January 20th next year

The unnamed official told Reuters news agency: “The President seems to have realised his days are numbered and has already begun to collect up his favourite toys; including his Barbie and Ken dolls, his pop-up reading books, and his collection of Fuzzy Felt farm animals.

“However, he had a problem finding one of the coloured bricks which he keeps in a special pull-along, wooden cart at the side of his desk and spent well over an hour, looking under the furniture for the item.

“He became extremely upset at one point and had to be placated by his lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, who told him not to cry and that the federal government would provide him with a new set, complete with a cart, before President Biden takes over next year.

“He appeared to accept this, and after blowing his nose into Mr Giuliani’s proffered hankie, he settled down to watch a box set of Yogi Bear cartoons until it was time for his tea”

The White House press office last night quickly moved to dismiss rumours that Trump has privately threatened to push the incoming President Biden over at the White House handover in January, or that he also plans to pull Mrs Biden’s hair before he boards the helicopter that will take him home afterwards.

Accepting redundancy with stoicism to be taught in English schools

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The Department of Education has announced that from May 2021 children from the age of 11 upwards will be taught how to put a brave face on being sacked from their job due to the financial downturn brought about by the pandemic coupled with the Brexit financial hit.

Children will be taught a number of skills; including how to look stoical when the boss delivers a final address to the workforce in the canteen, outlining how the company are fucked despite the management’s best efforts, and how not to appear visibly shaken when arriving at the factory gates and finding them padlocked and chained.

Tuition in desk-clearing and consoling distraught colleagues will also be covered, along with benefits-claiming and guidelines on explaining to the kids why they can only eat one hot meal every other day and only be allowed one bath per week in a zinc tub in front of an open fire fuelled by gathered acorns.

A spokesman for the Department of Education said last night: “It’s vital that today’s youngsters leave school fully-equipped to deal with life in the workplace and that includes learning how to deal with the almost nailed-on prospect of losing their jobs and homes before taking to a life of hopeless despair on the streets as a drink-addled stumblebum”

This news comes just two weeks after it was revealed that domestic science lessons in schools were going to include guidance on preparing a thin gruel from kerbside leaf debris and how to make a nourishing hotpot from various types of roadkill.

Brexit negotiations to be finalised by bake-off, says EU’s Barnier

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From our currant affairs correspondent

With only days to go before the Brexit deadline and with both negotiating teams locked in a seemingly hopeless impasse, EU chief negotiator, Michel Barnier, has now reached an agreement with his British counterparts that a final settlement will be reached via a Great British Bake-Off-style competition to decide the winner.

Speaking at a hastily convened press conference last night, Barnier said: “I’m quietly confident that we can out-bake the British and establish firm guidelines on fishing rights and also the Irish border issue that will favour the EU’s position.

“After all, we French are known for our culinary skills, whereas the Brits can barely make a boiled egg with soldiers.

“I mean to say they’ll probably make a fish and chips cake or something equally representative of their vile cuisine for their showstopper and get the piss taken out of them by the judges”

It is understood, that if the judges are unable to separate the two teams, the final deal will be reached via a cream flan-throwing, free-for-all in Parliament Square in the final hour before the December 31st deadline – Reuters

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