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PC Ted Stupor in: Legless in Brexitland

PC Ted (New)

Evenin’ all

Policing a sprawling, multicultural city like London can be a taxing and often hazardous task as I found out to my cost last night.

At around 15.00, our sarge summoned us into the briefing room and told us that we were being assigned to police the Brexit leaving party scheduled for 19.30 in Parliament Square.

We arrived in plenty of time at around 17.00 and while my colleagues deployed around the perimeter I began searching for drink.

It was a pretty fruitless task initially as the Mayor had declared the area an alcohol-free zone to prevent the Brexiteers from getting rowdy and poking each other in the eye with their little Union Jacks on sticks.

By 20.00 my mouth was like the bottom of a baby’s pram and I was seriously thinking of abandoning my post and going for a few jars in The Albert in Victoria Street.

Then, I spotted a group of elderly revellers who had somehow managed to smuggle a crate of Wincarnis tonic wine past the cordon.

With not a moment to lose, I raced over, snatched a couple of bottles and began tucking in as if there were no tomorrow.

At just after 23.00, I celebrated Britain leaving the EU by spewing my ring up all over one old grunter’s zimmer frame and pissing in the ear of an old dear in a wheelchair while she sang the national anthem.

Evenin all.

PC Ted Stupor is vice-chairman of the Metropolitan Liver Carnage Society

Brexit woman ‘gutted’ as commemorative tea towel disintegrates during first wash

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A 54-year-old woman from the north of England has expressed her dismay after the commemorative Brexit tea towel she had bought just days earlier fell to bits in the washing machine during its maiden wash.

Amanda Dann, a housewife and mother of two from Leeds, told the Yorkshire Post newspaper: “I was gutted when my Brexit tea towel fell to bits.

“It was a really nice one too with pictures of Nigel Farage and British bulldogs on it.

“It wasn’t cheap either. I paid fifty pounds for it from an online company called, The White Crusaders.co.uk.

“They told me that half the money would be given to a pressure group dedicated to driving all the blacks into the sea.

“I can only assume it was made abroad. Probably Africa or one of those other EU countries.”

When it was pointed out to Mrs Dann that the product was manufactured in Barnsley she became red in the face and began repeatedly yelling, “You lost, get over it” before collapsing to the floor.

ADVISORY NOTE: If you’re not from London and want to attend the Brexit leaving party scheduled to take place in Parliament Square, here are some directions: Head south towards Oxford and keep going until you come to a big town with a river running through it and a happy, thriving, multicultural populace.

FOOTNOTE: Don’t try to find your way by heading towards the bongs of Big Ben. There ain’t gonna be any.

SURVEY: Intelligence Quotient at Brexit Celebration Will Mirror 1960s Chimp’s Tea Party

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Brexit Party members pictured in earnest discussion last week

A recent survey carried out by Swansea University has found that the average level of intelligence per attendee at the forthcoming Brexit celebratory gathering in Parliament Square on January 31st will be roughly on a par with a primate at one of the chimp’s tea parties that were held at London Zoo in the 1960s.

The study, conducted among a cross-section of Brexit enthusiasts who have expressed a desire to attend, found that the intellect of some party-goers was so woefully low that many were unable to complete the questionnaire, or defaced it by scribbling over the questions in green crayon.

The party itself – the brainchild of Brexit poster boy, Nigel Farage – will feature appearances from prominent Brexiteers such as Weatherspoons boss, Tim Martin, pop star, Morrisey, and diminutive MP, Mark Francois, who will be provided with a box to stand on so that he can see over the table.

Red, white, and blue jelly, British fizzy pop, and bulldog-shaped cupcakes will be provided on the night with all proceeds going to Mr Farage’s favourite charity, Fascists In Need.

It is understood that due to the great age of some of the revellers, incontinence pads and Phylosan injections will be available if required.

Older partygoers will also be able to join in some old parlour game favourites such as; Pin The Tail On The Darky, Musical Wheelchairs, and, Beat Your Romanian Benefits Cheat Neighbour Out of Doors.

A large section of those in attendance are expected to consist of people from the north of England, so whippet watering stations, Hovis jam butties, and cloth cap pegs will be laid on to accommodate this contingent.

The evening will end at midnight with a rousing rendition of Hearts Of Oak and Jerusalem, with flashcards displaying the words being held up by helpers for the benefit of the small number who are able to read.

Jacob Rees-Mogg to spend 12th Xmas in succession trying to get lid off chutney jar

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In a bit of a pickle. Rees-Mogg pictured exhausted after trying to get the top from a bottle of tomato sauce in the canteen

Leader of The House of Commons, Jacob Rees-Mogg, is set to spend his 12th successive Christmas struggling to get the lid off a jar of chilli and onion chutney that his wife bought in 2007 to go with the cold meat and mashed potatoes on Boxing Day.

A Westminster source has revealed that Rees-Mogg has tried everything to remove the lid, including; tapping the edge with a knife, wrenching it off using Mole Grips, wedging it in a door jamb, and using a Stilsens pipe wrench to twist the cap free.

“Jacob has very weak wrists’, the source reveals. “He always struggled to get the lids off of his bottles of pop at Eton and used to ask one of the smaller boys to do it for him.

“He’s a persistent chap though and once spent an entire day trying to flush the lavatory in The Commons after they’d had new press down handle cisterns installed.

“Eventually, he gave up and asked the Shadow Home Secretary, Diane Abbot, to do it for him.

“However, she had little luck herself after repeated flushings failed to dislodge a stubborn ‘submarine’ that he’d left stuck on the bottom”

Rees-Mogg angrily denied the rumours last night, pointing to the fact that he regularly pumps up the tyres on his penny-farthing bicycle and once ‘made the Queens eyes water’ with the firmness of his grip as he took her hand before kissing it during the recent controversial request to prorogue Parliament in August this year.

However, Rees-Mogg’s wife, Helena, confirmed the chutney story last night when she told newsmen: “I’m afraid I can’t deny the fact that Jacob’s been struggling with that jar.

“It’s become a bit of a family joke down the years, to be honest with you.

“For you see, nobody’s got the heart to tell him he’s been turning it the wrong way”

Corbyn beat me up in the toilets: Boris Johnson’s shock claim

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Opposition bleeder: Corbyn pictured shortly before battering Johnson

Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, told newsmen last night that defeated opposition leader, Jeremy Corbyn, attacked him in a House of Commons lavatory last week leaving him bruised and bleeding from a gaping head wound.

Johnson, who had just delivered his opening address to The Commons following his thumping election win last Thursday, told reporters: “After my speech, I needed to visit the toilet and excused myself from the chamber.

“I was standing at the urinal when Corbyn flew in, cursing and calling me all the names under the sun.

“He slammed my head against the tiles and then started raining punches on me as I collapsed to the ground.

“He then went in with the boot, delivering a number of kicks to my head and lower back.

“I was in awful pain and begged him to stop, but he just shouted that I was a flash, Tory monkey and carried on with the attack.

“Eventually, he seemed to run out of steam. He gave me a final boot in the ribs, called me a few more names and left.

“So much for the so-called, kinder, gentler politics, he had promised when he became leader”

Corbyn’s attack comes almost exactly a year after Labour MP, Yvette Cooper, was admonished by The Speaker, John Bercow, after she head-butted the then Prime Minister, Theresa May, as the members filed out of the chamber to deliver a vote on Mrs May’s 3rd EU Withdrawl Agreement.

Free whippet for every northerner as Boris repays election favour

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A government source revealed last night that every man, woman, and child over the age of 5 living in the north of England will be gifted a whippet dog as a token of gratitude for helping Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, win last week’s election with a huge majority.

Whippets are extremely popular with people in the north, with many families owning up to 5 or 6, depending on the size of their dwelling

Unlike ferrets – the other favoured house pet of the northerner – whippets are used primarily for racing and are not put down the trousers like their smaller counterparts.

By way of contrast, people in London, where the Tory Party were heavily defeated, are to have a tax of 79% imposed on jellied eels – a popular staple among the Cockney community.

Doing the Lambeth Walk dance will be made illegal under new legislation as will running illicit gambling dens in the West End and nailing people to billiard tables.

Brexit Party member returns to primaeval soup

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Happier times. Mr Carter smiles for the camera at a family party last month

A 56-year-old man who was one of the founder members of the staunch, anti-European Union, Brexit Party, has regressed down the evolutionary scale and has now returned to the primaeval soup where life on earth first began 4 billion years ago

Terence Carter, unemployed, from Whitechapel in East London, began to show signs of morphing into a shapeless life form just a few weeks after joining the party, led by leading Brexit cheerleader, Nigel Farage, last July.

His wife, Melissa, 52, told a Whelk reporter: “Shortly after getting his Brexit Party literature and enamel badge through the post, I began to notice changes in Terry.

“At first, he began speaking a lot more slowly than usual, then, after a few days, he lost the power of speech altogether and began communicating with a series of grunts and hand signals.

“It was around this time that I noticed a huge increase in his body hair and his forehead began to stick out a lot more than it used to.

“One day, I came home from work and he was unable to walk upright and was crawling around in the kitchen on all fours.

“He took to staying out in the garden a lot, swinging on the hanging tyre that we’d made for the dog.

“It all ended when I came back from shopping and spotted him floating on the top of the pond.

“At first, I thought he was a bit of frog spawn, but when I hooked him out and looked through my magnifying glass, I could see it was him by his beady little eyes and a fragment of his cloth cap.

“I’m not that sorry he’s returned to the primordial soup where life first began, to be honest. He’d changed a lot since he joined that Brexit lot.

“He was quite a nice man when I first met him, but all he’s done over the last few months is sit in front of the TV, slagging off Michel Barnier, and, when he wasn’t doing that, he was stamping around the house, praising Donald Trump and having a go at the blacks”

This incident comes just two weeks after a man from neighbouring Stepney gradually morphed into a gibbon after attending a series of meetings of the United Kingdom Independence Party.

JUST IN

whelk fp giuliani

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues featured in these stories, you are either Donald Trump, a puppeteer, or both – Ed

BREAKING: The Kraken awoke and devoured Norwegian trawler during Trump/Farage interview claim reports

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The Kraken depicted chowing down on a hapless vessel in the olden days

Reports are coming in that the legendary sea monster, The Kraken, stirred and then awoke before devouring a Norwegian fishing vessel during last nights LBC radio conversation between, Brexit Party leader, Nigel Farage and US President, Donald Trump.

Speculation is rife that the sheer force of malevolence generated in the airwaves during their exchange may have caused the legendary colossus to wake from its 200-year slumber and emboldened the creature to wreak fresh destruction on passing mariners.

Farage strongly denied the allegation last night, dismissing it as ‘Bremoaner whingeing’, while Trump tweeted that he had ‘never heard of any Kraken’

In a subsequent tweet, the president speculated that he thought it may be, ‘a kind of Scandinavian crispbread’.

The last meeting between the two which took place at Trump Tower in 2017, resulted in a number of unconfirmed sightings of the sexually insane, Zoroastrian, demon, Aka Manah, drinking in a bar in downtown Manhatten.

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