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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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politics

EU ban AstraZeneca jab after German man treads on Lego brick in his bare feet

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Countries across the European Union have brought the desperately-needed rollout of the AstraZeneca vaccine to an immediate halt following an incident in Cologne in which a man in his thirties trod on a piece of Lego in his bare feet as he made his way to the toilet in the dark just weeks after receiving the jab.

A spokesperson for the twenty-eight country trading bloc said last night: “Until we can rule out a link between the vaccine and this gentleman’s foot injury due to treading on a plastic brick we are halting any further rollout of the vaccine at this time.

“We may be dying like flies over here but we have to put people’s safety first”

The World Health Organisation responded last night: “Incidents of Lego injuries are actually lower than normal for this period so we can categorically rule out any link between the AstraZeneca vaccine and this German bloke’s foot trauma”

This is the second major halt of the Oxford-AstraZeneca vaccine in the last month.

On March 20th, both France and The Netherlands banned the jab for the over ninety age group after a ninety-seven-year-old woman mysteriously died after falling headlong down the stairs with a bottle of Absinthe in her hand at her home in Lens just a month after her second shot of the British vaccine.

Biden’s presidency leads to local piano accordion boom

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The recent rise in popularity of the piano accordion in the district of Whitechapel has been linked to the newly formed presidency of Joe Biden, according to a poll conducted among residents.

Since the inauguration, over ninety per cent of Whitechapel residents have taken up the instrument, with many playing in the street, in supermarkets and even public lavatories.

One local woman, Tracy Dell, 52, from Berner Street, told The Whelk: “Since Trump got the boot and Joe took up office, I’ve rarely stopped playing and neither has my husband and the kids.

“I’ve learned The Rose of Traylee by heart and can also play Adagio by Andoni with the aid of sheet music.

“It’s as if the whole district is celebrating Joe’s win through the music of the piano accordion and I couldn’t be happier”

In 1962, the Yorkshire town of Sheffield experienced a huge spike in mouth organ recitals following Prime Minister Harold Wilson’s famous, ‘The pound in your pocket’ speech during a televised election broadcast on the BBC.

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I won’t let Trump build new golf course on my big face, vows Olly Murs

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Big-faced pop icon, Olly Murs, last night rebuffed a move by disgraced former US President, Donald Trump, to build a links-style, eighteen-hole golf course on his gigantic face.

During an exclusive Whelk interview, Murs, 85, told us: “I’ve allowed my big face to be used for a number of projects down the years, from a film set for a movie about the moon landings to a refugee camp for thirty thousand fleeing victims of the war in Syria. However, I draw the line at allowing Trump to build a golf course on my massive dial for him and his odious Republican cronies.

“Can you imagine the horror of having Rudy Giuliani teeing off close to one of my eyes and catching a glimpse of his cock and balls up his trouser leg?

“Even if I did allow the project to go ahead, what are the chances of getting paid?

“The guy’s a notorious crook with a long history of reneging on his debts, and in any case, he’ll be in jail before the end of the year”

It is now believed that a request has been submitted to roly-poly morning TV presenter, Eamonn Holmes, to build the course on the cheeks of his gigantic, flabby arse.

Mr Murs requested that his fee for this interview be donated to the Variety Club of Great Britain children’s charity but we’re going to keep it and spend it on drink and pussy – Ed

Biden to spend next 72-hours looking for tips on Facebook

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Newly-inaugurated President of The United States, Joe Biden, is set to spend the first three days of his presidency poring over Facebook posts in a bid to learn how best to govern America, a White House insider told us last night.

The aide revealed: “Even though President Biden has held high office for forty years, including two terms as vice-president, he realises that he needs the wisdom and the considered views of people on Facebook to guide him through what will arguably be the most difficult, challenging, and arduous first term of any president in the history of our country.

“He is also hoping to check out a few dinner pics, along with some alarming images of people’s hideous-looking kids.”

His plans have received a mixed reaction so far, with one local man, Toby Dell, from Thrawl Street, telling us: “Personally, I think President Biden should rely on his huge experience in high office to plan the way forward, but I suppose if he wants to form his strategy based on the opinions of a bunch of industrial-strength arsehats with too much time on their hands on a social media platform that’s up to him.

“At the end of the day, he can’t make a worse job of it than the last mad cunt”

A White House spokesperson last night refused to comment when asked about rumours that Vice-President, Kamala Harris, had spent the night, scrolling down her Twitter feed, looking for advice on how best to deal with pressure from The Federal Reserve.

Editor’s Note: President Biden is a fine man and we are wholly convinced that he will do the best job possible in the face of pretty horrendous odds. The above piece is aimed at the social media idiots who seem to thing that the way forward is to start giving the guy tips before he’s had a chance to open a beer and stick his presidential trotters up on the Oval Office desk. The sun shone for the president yesterday and a bright new day has dawned in the Land Of The Free. Amen.

I won’t rest until I’ve followed every blog on WordPress, vows Biden

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United States President-Elect, Joe Biden, broke away from his inauguration preparations earlier to tell a Whelk reporter that his primary goal before he addresses the current health emergency and the rise of the far-right is to follow every blog on WordPress in a bid to get huge quantities of likes everytime he publishes a piece.

“I’ve noticed that some contributors are attracting literally hundreds of likes despite the fact that their own output is absolute garbage”, he told us.

“There’s one dude wearing an army hat who regularly attracts huge amounts of likes and his blog is a real piece of boring crap.

“I can only put it down to the fact that he follows just about every blog on the whole damn site, from appalling self-published book bandits to the blogs based on self-help, dieting, and sceptic tank-emptying.

“I aim to kick that guys ass and become the most successful blogger of all damn times”

When our reporter asked him how he was going to find time to read all those blogs, he chuckled and replied: “Read ’em? Hell, nobody reads other people’s shit.

“You just scroll down the reader and click on the little star gizmo beneath the blogs that follow you back.

“I only ever read two blogs with any degree of regularity and that’s, The Shinbone Star, because they rip the piss out of Trump, and, The Whitechapel Whelk, which is a limey newspaper cobbled together by a bunch of East London juice-head satirists.

“It’s a damn funny read and I’m going to reward those boys by awarding them The Congressional Medal of Honour or some shit like dat”

In tomorrow’s edition: ‘How I bagged myself eighty thousand Twitter followers by posting saucy shower pics of Prince Philip, by Her Majesty The Queen.

FREE INSIDE TODAY’S WHITECHAPEL WHELK

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We had an editorial staff meeting earlier in an attempt to write an amusing post script to this one but decided instead to point you towards this clown’s latest attempt to defraud the American electorate in a somewhat deranged and ever more desperate call to the governor of Georgia as it’s much funnier than anything we could come up with.

The poor sod is now clearly as nutty as a squirrel’s underpants, and, loathe as we are to lampoon the mentally unstable, we have decided to make an exception in the case of this mad orange fuck. – Ed

Britain will conquer and lay waste any country that takes our fish, says Foreign Office

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A Royal Navy man-o-war standing ready to join the invasion fleet last night

The government seemingly toughened their stance on protecting Britain’s fishing rights last night by announcing that any country encroaching into British waters will be invaded and their cities sacked and burned.

A Foreign Office spokesman told newsmen: “Post-Brexit, Britain will be a sovereign nation once more and free to police our borders and fishing waters as we see fit.

‘The government have decided to conquer any nation whose rogue fishing boats enter our waters, enslave the populace, sack and pillage the cities and make these dominions British colonies like we used to do in the old days.

‘The British Army, The Royal Navy, and the RAF are now in readiness and will launch an invasion the minute our fish appear to be at risk from foreigners.’

Governments around the world reacted strongly to the threat last night, with many calling the decision over-the-top and expansionist.

The United States were a little more guarded, however.

A White House press officer told reporters: “The president has been informed of this move by the British but has urged caution while he finds out what, ‘laying waste’ means’

Concession rumours grow as Trump searches Oval Office for missing coloured brick

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A senior White House insider has revealed that President Donald Trump spent yesterday afternoon on his hands and knees in the Oval Office, searching for a missing coloured brick from his toy, builders set; a clear indication that Trump is now resigned to leaving the White House on January 20th next year

The unnamed official told Reuters news agency: “The President seems to have realised his days are numbered and has already begun to collect up his favourite toys; including his Barbie and Ken dolls, his pop-up reading books, and his collection of Fuzzy Felt farm animals.

“However, he had a problem finding one of the coloured bricks which he keeps in a special pull-along, wooden cart at the side of his desk and spent well over an hour, looking under the furniture for the item.

“He became extremely upset at one point and had to be placated by his lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, who told him not to cry and that the federal government would provide him with a new set, complete with a cart, before President Biden takes over next year.

“He appeared to accept this, and after blowing his nose into Mr Giuliani’s proffered hankie, he settled down to watch a box set of Yogi Bear cartoons until it was time for his tea”

The White House press office last night quickly moved to dismiss rumours that Trump has privately threatened to push the incoming President Biden over at the White House handover in January, or that he also plans to pull Mrs Biden’s hair before he boards the helicopter that will take him home afterwards.

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