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Farage made me dress as Trump during saucy romp says, Iain Duncan Smith

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Saucy. Duncan Smith last night

Former Tory Party leader, Sir Iain Duncan Smith, has told The Daily Express that Brexit champion, Nigel Farage, made him dress as US President, Donald Trump, during a sordid romp at Farage’s home in Surrey last year.

Duncan Smith, 66, told the newspaper: “Nigel invited me round one evening in October last year.

“I thought he wanted to discuss Britain’s post-Brexit trade negotiations with Africa or something.

“However, he made it pretty clear from the outset that there was only one thing on his mind.

“He was scantily-clad in just shorts and a Hawaiian-style, short-sleeved shirt. His hands were all over me as soon as I sat down on the sofa.

“He started kissing my neck and began fondling me over my trousers.

“He then produced a Donald Trump wig and begged me to put it on and to adopt an American accent.

“I was confused and a little scared so I complied with his wishes and began talking about Nambia, covfefe, and invisible USAF planes.

“It was over in seconds, to be honest. I think my references to injecting bleach may have been the trigger.

“He then made me a cup of tea, told me that he loved me and asked me to leave.

“I felt used and dirty. I told my wife and she advised me to sell my story to the papers to get a few quid out of it”

Duncan Smith’s account comes just a week after ex-Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, told newsmen that he was asked by, ex-Tory backbencher, Ann Widdecombe, to tie her up in her cellar and commit an unnatural act while dressed as Karl Marx.

White House Bombshell: I Farted in Trump’s Banana Daquiri Says Sarah Huckabee Sanders

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The Trump administration was reeling last night after ex-White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, told newsmen that she broke wind into President Donald Trump’s glass containing a banana daiquiri cocktail during a boozy evening with other close presidential aides in 2018.

Sanders told reporters: “Listen, I know that I toed the Republican Party line and told the press boys what Trump wanted to hear, but we all know the man’s a weapons-grade asshole, so when the opportunity arose to raise a few yuks at his expense, I just went for it.

“We’d all had a few drinks, apart from Trump who was on alcohol-free cocktails, and were in high spirits.

Trump went to the can at one point and a couple of the guys – I think it was Donald Rumsfeld and that guy who got thrown in jail for lying to Congress, told me to fart in his drink.

“I was reluctant at first and then I thought, why the hell not, the guy’s a total doofus.

“I picked up his highball glass, quickly pulled my panties down at the back and let fly into his drink. It was a real rip-snorter and you could hear the damn thing bubbling and everything.

“When he came back in the room and started drinking it, some of the guys couldn’t contain themselves and had to leave the room while Rudi Giuliani actually started crying”

This incident mirrors the 2005 occasion when Secretary of State, Condoleeza Rice, admitted to urinating in George W Bush’s bottle of Bud at a White House press briefing while the president was fielding a question from the Washington Post on the progress of the second Gulf War.

INSIDE POLITICS: Covid-19 Update

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Boris Johnson and Dominic Cummings are currently appearing in the hilarious farce, No Diseases Please We’re British, at the York Hall, Bethnal Green.

Editor’s Note: If any foreign people are reading this errant nonsense in the press about the UK being the worst country for covid-19 deaths per million of the population, I urge you to dismiss it all as a tissue of leftie lies. We are, after all, the country where Nelson was born and where blue passports will soon be carried by every staunch Britisher. No virus would dare to infect this blessed plot. Oh dear me no. That’s right out, that is!

Cummings was using ‘father’s instinct’ says Johnson after aide’s axe attack on son.

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Johnson and Cummings pictured during happier times

Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, last night threw his weight behind his under-fire, advisor, Dominic Cummings, after his arrest following a late-night axe attack on his 4-year-old son which left the youngster fighting for his life in a London hospital.

Speaking to newsmen outside No.10 Downing Street, Johnson, who had earlier staunchly defended Cummings’ lockdown breaching 260-mile trip to Durham with his wife and son while both parents were displaying covid-19 symptoms, said: “I have spoken to Dominic and he has assured me that, just like he did when he drove the lad halfway across the country during the lockdown,  he was acting purely from his fathers’ instinct and was using good old-fashioned British common sense when he went for the kid with the axe.

“In any case, the boy is expected to make a full recovery over the months, albeit with a few scars and minus his right arm.

“In my view, it will be character-building for the lad and it’s no worse than the rough and tumble antics that the new boys at Eton were subjected to during their first term.

“Indeed, I was flogged to the bone with a barbed cat o’ nine tails while red hot pokers were applied to my private parts on my first morning and look where I am today.

“So let’s forget this axe nonsense and get on with supporting our wonderful NHS and getting Brexit done”

Cummings was later seen leaving Number Ten, carrying a photo album marked, ‘Boris, Jennifer, and the English bull terrier.

Trump: I’ve been pouring boiling horse liniment in my ears to clear up my toe fungus

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US President, Donald Trump, has made the astonishing claim that for the past three weeks he has been treating a fungal infection between his toes by pouring boiling horse liniment into both his ears.

“It’s pretty painful I have to tell you,” he told newsmen at a briefing last night. “In fact, I have to ask Melania to do it for me while I bite down on a piece of wood, but I have to say, she’s been more than happy to help and even insists on doing it twice to be on the safe side.

“So far there’s been no improvement but I’ve been told by my tremendous advisor, Dr Anthony Fauci, who’s a great guy, by the way, to keep going and that it often takes around six months to take effect.

“I mean to say, if it can work on something as big as a horse it has to work on humans too, right?”

A spokesman for the American health department said last night. “Horse linament is only efficacious when treating strains and minor muscle tears in horses.

“If the president persists with this practice it will undoubtedly kill him but don’t tell him I said that.

“I guess it’s slightly better than mainlining drain cleaner but there ain’t really much in it”

Trump attracted further criticism yesterday when he blamed former president, Barack Obama, for a recent spate of molehill damage to his golf course at Mar A Lago.

Condoleezza Rice Pulled The Plug Out In My Bath Before I’d Finished Claims Local Man

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‘Condi’ pictured furiously denying the allegations last night

A middle-aged man from Whitechapel last night told a Whelk reporter that former US Secretary Of State, Condoleezza Rice, ran into his bathroom while he was in the tub and pulled the plug out before running off laughing.

Toby Dell, 42, said: “I had only just got into the bath and was about to begin washing my hair when the bathroom door flew open and Condoleezza Rice rushed in and pulled the plug out. 

“She looked crazed and extremely dishevelled and my first thought was that she’d been drinking.

“She then threw the plug against the wall and ran off laughing, and yelling: ‘How do you like them apples, you limey sonofabitch?’ 

I don’t mind admitting I was pretty shaken. I mean it’s not the sort of behaviour you’d expect from a woman of her standing is it?”

When Ms Rice was asked about the allegation as she left a Republican Party gathering in Washington DC last night, she looked shaken and said: “You’re kidding me right? Are you crazy? Why on earth would I do that?”

This is not the first time a prominent US political figure has allegedly interfered with the ablutions of an unsuspecting Londoner

In July of last year, a 50-year-old woman from neighbouring Bethnal Green, told police that former vice president Al Gore had yanked back her shower curtain before flicking repeatedly at her buttocks with a wet towel.

Kim Mystery: Did North Korean despot take own life after bungled suicide pact with Lorraine Kelly

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A heartbroken Kelly pictured last night

Speculation over the rumoured death of North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-un, reached fever pitch last night when news broke that the 39-year-old despot may have taken cyanide in a failed suicide love pact with, Scottish, breakfast TV presenter, Lorraine Kelly.

A source from inside the secretive state told Reuters: “Kim and Lorraine have been an item for well over 6-months after he spotted her interviewing Harry Styles on his private telly and asked her out on a date via Tinder.

“The Dear Leader was absolutely besotted and it’s believed that he suggested that they take their own lives in a suicide pact after she told him they could never be together because of her work on Good Morning.

“He was found dead on Saturday morning with a picture of Lorraine interviewing Tom Hanks clutched to his chest”

Kelly spoke briefly to reporters outside her London home last night: “Yes, Kim and I were an item for a while but I told him there was no future in it.

“As for a suicide pact, I had no knowledge of it as I’ve deliberately not been reading his texts.

“Dead you say? Och, the puir wee thing”

In 1998, the murderous Cambodian tyrant, Pol Pot, was rumoured to have shot himself when he was knocked back after sending a date request to Scottish pop icon, Lulu.

US Corona Update: Trump supporter injected Dettol with mixed results

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A 23-year-old man who put into practice Donald Trump’s theory that injecting the powerful disinfectant, Dettol, directly into the bloodstream would ward off covid-19, experienced mixed results shortly afterwards.

Tobias Delroy, a nightwatchman from Dallas, Texas, injected the drain and toilet-cleaning fluid into his arm shortly after hearing Donald Trump’s suggestion at yesterday’s press briefing that doing so would kill the virus in the lungs before it could cause significant harm to the body.

A spokesman for the Presbyterian Hospital of Dallas, told reporters last night: “Mr Delroy presented with severe symptoms of blood poisoning and liver deterioration due to the introduction of a noxious substance into the circulatory system.

“His primary objective of killing the covid-19 virus has been achieved along with himself.

“We cannot stress how important it is not to inject any type of household product normally used to clean drains and toilets into the body.

“This is especially true if you have been advised to do so by President Trump”

Last year, a 43-year-old woman from Montgomery, Alabama, was admitted to hospital with severe facial burns after hearing Trump’s attorney, Rudi Giuliani, telling a Washington Post reporter: “Do yourself a favour and go boil your head”

Virus Fears Grow as Covid-19 Contracts Nadine Dorries

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Ms Dorries pictured during her appearance on I’m A Celeb, trying to work out how to put on a hat

There was growing alarm amongst senior officials at the Department of Health last night after the killer virus, Covid-19, was found to have become infected by Junior Health Minister, Nadine Dorries.

A spokesperson for the department told newsmen: “A member of our research team, a leading microbiologist, was examining a Covid-19 sample under the microscope when he noticed it behaving oddly.

“Initially it began speaking in a poorly-disguised Liverpool accent.

It then began venturing crackpot opinions on subjects of which it had absolutely no knowledge.

“It tried to convince our man that Brexit was going to be beneficial to the entire country and that all this talk of dire economic consequences was just Project Fear being spread by unpatriotic lefty snowflakes, talking the country down.

“It then asked for a bit of time off from the lab to appear on I’m A Celeb.

The public has been warned to be on the alert for symptoms of this new mutation which manifests itself through, a constant dry cough, breathing difficulties, and the overwhelming compulsion to start acting like a weapons-grade dullard in public.

People showing signs of any of these symptoms are being asked to self-isolate without delay and then to contact, PM, Boris Johnson who will immediately offer them a highly paid job in The Cabinet.

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