Meghan Beat Kate Up In The Buckingham Palace Toilets, Says Daily Mail

The Duchess pictured trying to look all innocent after beating seven shades of shite out of Kate last week

The Daily Mail newspaper is reporting that following an altercation at Buckingham Palace shortly before The Queen’s final departure from the palace on Wednesday, Meghan Markle, The Duchess of Sussex, launched a two-fisted attack on her sister-in-law, The Duchess of Cambridge in one of the palace toilets.

The Mail claims: ‘According to one of our palace insiders, Meghan gave Kate a terrible kicking.

‘Our source thinks it was because Meghan accused Kate of giving Harry the eye at breakfast that morning and leaning forward over the platter of kedgeree, giving him a flash of her tits’

The Mail claims that Kate was left with a broken cheekbone, two black eyes and a ruptured spleen, which resulted from Meghan ‘going in with the boot’ as Kate lay unconscious on the carpet.

Critics have poured scorn on the article, however, claiming that Kate showed no signs of bruising during the procession that followed the alleged incident.

There have also been claims that The Mail has constantly harangued and persecuted Meghan due to her nationality and, above all, her mixed-race heritage.

The newspaper responded furiously and strongly refuted the allegations last night: ‘The fact that Meghan is an American is neither here nor there as far as we are concerned, nor is the fact that she’s a sooty, colonial bitch with no right to be within a country mile of our royals’

We should like to point out that this is not an attack on the skewed, right-wing stance adopted by the Daily Mail and certainly not a condemnation of the gormless, elderly fuckwits and chinless, racist thundercunts who read it – Ed

CLASSICAL ART

THIS WEEK: The Last Subpoena by Leonardo Da Vinci

NEXT WEEK: Le Covefe Sur L’Herbe by Pablo Picasso

Health Concerns Grow as Queen Set To Miss Traditional East End Dog Fight

Her Majesty flanked by Prince Charles and Princess Ann at last year’s event

Speculation regarding the health of Her Majesty The Queen was rife last night after Buckingham Palace announced that she would miss the annual dog fighting event in Poplar in East London that she has traditionally attended since her accession to the throne in 1956.

Her Majesty often enters one of her own highly-trained pedigree pitbull terriers and will even unleash the killer dogs herself at the start of some of the fights.

She also enjoys a flutter and will often stuff wads of banknotes down the shirt front of a gypsy bookie before walking round with the hat at the end, collecting bets from unlucky punters while taking swigs from a bottle of gin.

The Queen is widely acknowledged as a renowned authority on dog fighting and has bred past champions like Gnasher Prince, Battle Bitch Beth, and, Prince Philip’s own canine scrapper, Slitty-Eyed Gus.

This latest cancellation comes just two weeks after Her Majesty pulled out of her beloved annual visit to South London’s August bare-knuckle fights, traditionally held in a derelict warehouse at Deptford Creek where she loves to tuck into a crate of her favourite brown ale before cheering on her two-fisted youngest son, Prince Edward, who strips to the waist after swigging down a bottle of peach liqueur before battering his luckless opponents to a pulp, often licking the blood from their chests and faces as they lay unconscious at his feet.

Murdered woman was complete harridan and not vivacious and caring, life and soul of the party, say friends and family

A local woman who was found murdered at her home last week has been described by friends and family members as a nasty piece of work, who was roundly disliked by pretty much everybody who had the misfortune to know her.

Tracy Dell, a legal secretary, was discovered lying dead in her kitchen last Tuesday following what police described as a frenzied attack.

Detective Inspector Edward Stupor from Scotland Yard’s  Homicide and Serious Crime Command told newsmen: ‘Under normal circumstances, a murder victim’s family and friends will extoll the virtues of the deceased, often describing them as vivacious and well-liked upright pillars of the community without an enemy in the world whose smile and sunny disposition would light up any room or party.

‘However, in this instance, pretty much everybody we spoke to has described Mrs Dell as a despised and deeply unpleasant individual without any redeeming features whatsoever.

‘One of the neighbours referred to her as Vinegar Tits and told us that a street party was being planned to celebrate her murder.’

Police are following a number of leads and have already interviewed hundreds of prime suspects, including, Mrs Dell’s mother, children, the family doctor, the mayoress, and the parish priest who was yesterday released on police bail after being detained overnight.

Pensioners Should ‘Copulate Furiously’ to Avoid Winter Chill, Says Rees-Mogg

Controversial parliamentarian, Jacob Rees-Mogg, attracted cross-party criticism yesterday when he advised Britain’s elderly, who may be worried about soaring heating bills this coming winter, to engage in vigorous sex to stave off the cold if their inability to pay results in their supply being cut off.

Speaking to The Times newspaper, Rees-Mogg, said: ‘When I was a schoolboy at Eton it used to get pretty chilly during the winter months I don’t mind telling you. Even roasting one of the new boys in front of a bunsen burner failed to ward off the winter chill.

‘At times like this, we older chaps used to hop into bed, sometimes five or six at a time, and roger each other until our circulation returned.

‘If it was good enough for us back then, I fail to see why our old folk can’t adopt a similar initiative and copulate furiously instead of complaining and constantly blaming the government and the energy companies every five minutes.

‘These ingrates should be thankful they are now living in Brexit Britain and are no longer under the oppressive yoke of a Soviet-style European Union.

‘During the last war, we had the Dig For Britain initiative, so why not a ‘Shag Until You Can Feel Your Toes’ one now?’

Rees-Mogg requested that his fee for the interview be donated to the Save The CEO Fund For Distressed Captains of Industry

London Braced for ‘Burny Bastard, Doom Heat, Baby-Boiling, Above Average Temperature, Death Heatwave of Despair.

The Met Office have issued a Red Warning for extremely high temperatures in London and The South East on Monday and Tuesday as the current heatwave continues apace.

In what the weathermen have dubbed, The ‘Burny Bastard, Doom Heat, Baby-Boiling, Above Average Temperature, Death Heatwave of Despair, the mercury is set to climb to 40 degrees Celcius for the first time since records began.

BBC weatherman, Bill Giles, 97, said last night: The Burny Bastard is set to begin on Monday morning and then to clear away late Tuesday evening.

‘Old people and young children are particularly vulnerable and will explode immediately if they venture outside.

‘We advise people to stay home if possible, draw all the curtains, close windows on the sunny side of the house, turn on a fan if you have one and prepare to burn to death from the inside as your blood starts to simmer and then boil in your veins.

‘Also, keep plenty of strong ale and spirits in the fridge so that you can remain cool and cheerful while you wait for the expected respite on Tuesday if you manage to survive that is.

‘We also advise people not to have sex during the Burny Bastard, which will come as a blessed relief to my wife and also the wife of Bernie Eccleston’

This latest warning comes six months after Scotland was in the grip of, The Thunder Bastard, Killer Snow, Child Crusher, Hell Blizzard of Doom, which resulted in Siberian conditions, causing a number of Scots to put on slightly warmer vests to go out to the shops in for the first time in living memory.

KIDDIEZ KORNER

Apologies for the industrial language in the above. I think he may have been drinking. – Ed

Stanley Johnson Resigns as Boris Johnson’s Dad

Ex-pater, Stanley Johnson, pictured last night in sombre mood

Amid the turmoil of yesterday’s flurry of Tory resignations came the devastating news for beleaguered Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, that his father, Stanley, has decided to quit as his dad.

Speaking to newsmen from outside his Surrey home, Mr Johnson senior said: ‘I cannot, in all good conscience, carry on as Boris’s father.

‘I have been thinking of handing in my resignation for some time now.

‘In fact, I almost quit when he lied to his mother about stealing a quarter pound of toffees from the local sweet shop in 1974, but I stuck with him despite deep misgivings.

‘Since that day, it has been a litany of half-truths and downright lying on an almost daily basis but I’ve remained loyal despite it all.

‘I now wish I had listened to my daughter who told me years ago that he was a slippery devil and not to leave my credit card lying around.

‘The straw that finally broke this camel’s back was last night’s announcement by Nadine Dorries that she was 100 per cent behind him.

‘I knew then that it was time to do the honourable thing and move on’

At the time of going to press, Nadine Dorries has now told a source that she will indeed be quitting and will hand in her resignation to John Major as soon as the rugby finishes at Lords.

Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Heavyweight Consumer’s Champion

Dear Mr Sparko

I’m a 23-year-old single mum of two who has two part-time jobs to try keep our heads above water.
This latest rise in the cost of living has hit me really hard as you can imagine so I was devasted when my landlord demanded an extra two hundred pounds a month rent.
I begged and pleaded but he wouldn’t listen and told me that I must pay or get out.
Please help if you can Danny as I’m sick with worry and scared of being made homeless.

Jade Dell
Whitechapel
London E1

*************************

Dear Jade

I went round to see your landlord last night and straightened him with a right-hander as soon as he opened the door.
I then went in with the boot to his kidneys before stamping on his face, giving him the old 5-millimetre tread.
I then dragged the mug to his feet and stuck the nut on him, breaking his nose and blacking both his eyes.
His old woman then came to the door, begging me to leave it out but I told her to shut it and that it was between me and him.
I then gave him a few big bombs to the body before letting him slide down the wall.
He has now signed an agreement allowing you to live there rent-free while he foots the bill for your food, gas and electric.
I hope this helps sweetheart.
All the best my lovely and don’t hesitate to bell me if this slag doesn’t do as he’s told

Your Pal
Danny

Danny Sparko is vice-president of the Ruptured Spleen Advisory Council