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I won’t rest until I’ve followed every blog on WordPress, vows Biden

US-VOTE-HEALTH-VIRUS-ECONOMY

United States President-Elect, Joe Biden, broke away from his inauguration preparations earlier to tell a Whelk reporter that his primary goal before he addresses the current health emergency and the rise of the far-right is to follow every blog on WordPress in a bid to get huge quantities of likes everytime he publishes a piece.

“I’ve noticed that some contributors are attracting literally hundreds of likes despite the fact that their own output is absolute garbage”, he told us.

“There’s one dude wearing an army hat who regularly attracts huge amounts of likes and his blog is a real piece of boring crap.

“I can only put it down to the fact that he follows just about every blog on the whole damn site, from appalling self-published book bandits to the blogs based on self-help, dieting, and sceptic tank-emptying.

“I aim to kick that guys ass and become the most successful blogger of all damn times”

When our reporter asked him how he was going to find time to read all those blogs, he chuckled and replied: “Read ’em? Hell, nobody reads other people’s shit.

“You just scroll down the reader and click on the little star gizmo beneath the blogs that follow you back.

“I only ever read two blogs with any degree of regularity and that’s, The Shinbone Star, because they rip the piss out of Trump, and, The Whitechapel Whelk, which is a limey newspaper cobbled together by a bunch of East London juice-head satirists.

“It’s a damn funny read and I’m going to reward those boys by awarding them The Congressional Medal of Honour or some shit like dat”

In tomorrow’s edition: ‘How I bagged myself eighty thousand Twitter followers by posting saucy shower pics of Prince Philip, by Her Majesty The Queen.

I’ll cull all self-published authors, vows Home Secretary

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Some self-published books pictured in their rightful place last night

In what is being seen in some quarters as a controversial move, the Home Secretary, Priti Patel, last night announced a two-year plan that will see eight million self-published writers trapped and humanely destroyed in a bid to stop the burgeoning number of people who are scrawling down a load of old toot and flogging it on Amazon at some risibly optimistic price before being given away free a few weeks later with a subscription to a DIY magazine.

It is estimated that 99% of this output will be bought by a few family members and reluctant friends who will stick their hands in their pockets out of a mixture of pity and loyalty. The remaining 1% will be used as cheap draught-excluders by Scottish people.

Patel told a late-night sitting in The Commons: “The self-publishing figures are growing out of control. The Office for National Statistics has advised the government that almost 89% of the population now have a truly horrendous novel or an alarmingly inept anthology of abysmal poetry up for sale and we must put a stop to it before Britain’s proud literary history is totally swamped by this vile effluent. It’s what Lord Byron and W. Somerset Maugham would have wanted”

It is believed that bear traps will be used to ensnare the perpetrators before they are dispatched, either with a bolt gun or by having their necks snapped by specially-trained published authors, literary critics, and historians from The British Library.

If you’re a self-published writer and feel threatened by this recent move, we suggest you leave the country post haste, or, alternatively, change your name and deny all knowledge of your horrendous example of literary filth when they come round to kill you – Ed

‘Not obese enough’ Brit couple refused Spanish citizenship

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No way Jose. Brit couple’s dream shattered

A British couple who have owned a holiday home in Spain for the last six years have been refused their request to adopt Spanish citizenship on the grounds that they don’t weigh enough, either individually or jointly.

Toby Dell, 54, and his 52-year-old wife Tracy, from Whitechapel, were told by the Spanish Embassy to pile on the pounds before their request would be considered.

Mr Dell, told The Whelk: “We were gutted when our application was turned down because we weren’t fat enough.

“To be fair I’m pretty flabby and tip the scales at over sixteen stone and the missus is an absolute tugboat and not far behind me, but it wasn’t enough for the Spanish apparently.

“We’ve now started eating foods high in saturated fat, washed down with at least twelve pints of Guinness a day to try and meet the criteria before applying again”

A spokesman for the Spanish Embassy told us: “These people were nowhere near obese enough to qualify for citizenship, although the woman did have a bit of a gut on her.

“You’ve only got to look at TV shows like A Place In The Sun to see that only British people carrying dangerous amounts of excess weight are accepted.

“Another reason they were turned down was the fact that they had tried to learn a few Spanish phrases.

“This flies directly in the face of the traditional British practice of shouting at foreigners and adding an ‘o’ to the odd word in each sentence’

Last week, a couple from Shoreditch who had voted to remain in the EU in 2016 were refused Portuguese citizenship for having an IQ in excess of their shoe size.

Bill Gates will force vaccinated Queen to fellate Tom Hanks on live TV, says local anti-vaxxer

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A right royal blow? Her Majesty pictured at home last night.

A 54-year-old Whitechapel woman and prominent anti-vaccine advocate has told The Whelk that Microsoft billionaire, Bill Gates, will use a microchip contained in the vaccine that was administered to Her Majesty The Queen yesterday to compel her to give oral relief to movie icon, Tom Hanks, live on the BBC.

Karen Thrawl, an Uber driver from Vallance Road, told our reporter: “Now that the Queen’s had the vaccine she will be under the total control of Bill Gates due to the chip and the first thing he’ll do is make her give Tom Hanks a noshing on TV to discredit her before taking over the monarchy himself.

“He will then make Tom Hanks, The Duke of Edinburgh, and George Clooney will be crowned Prince of Wales.

“They will then all live together in Buckingham Palace, drinking orphan’s blood to keep them young-looking while the Queen and Prince Philip will be put into the lizard enclosure at London Zoo.”

A spokesman for the royal family discredited Mrs Thrawl’s assertions last night: “Her Majesty has not expressed any desire to give Mr Hanks a gamming on the BBC, nor any other television channel, at this time, although, this could be because the chip hasn’t been activated yet” he told us.

Mrs Thrawl’s prediction comes just two weeks after a 35-year-old anti-lockdown activist told The Sunday Times that covid-19 is a myth and that all the dead people are just actors who will eventually jump out of their graves and take over the world led by George Soros and 1960s pop princess, Lulu.

West London Brexiter shoots wife following bent banana let-down.

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A 97-year-old man from Kentish Town in West London was being held in police custody last night after he blasted his 101-year-old wife in the chest with a shotgun in a fit of rage after discovering that post-Brexit bananas were still curved and not straight as had been promised in pro-Brexit newspapers like The Daily Mail and The Telegraph.

Michael Steeden, a retired boating lake attendant, was held by police at his home in Chalk Farm Avenue after neighbours reported two loud gunshots.

Officers broke into the property and found Steeden sitting on the stairs with the shotgun across his knees and a banana in his hands which he appeared to be trying to straighten with a copper and hide mallet according to an eye witness.

His wife of eighty-two years, Shirley, was found in the kitchen clinging to the sink with gunshot wounds to the chest.

The injured woman was rushed to the Kensington and Chelsea hospital where she was last night described as ‘comfortable but a bit shaken’

A police spokesman told newsmen: “Mr Steeden has been charged with attempted murder contrary to common law.

“He has admitted to the offence, blaming disappointment at discovering that post-Brexit bananas had not yet been straightened.

“Wait till he finds out that we still haven’t got rid of all the blacks”

More as we get it.

AMERICA IN CRISIS: 5G Lampposts behind insurgency, says Amanda Holden

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In a strongly worded statement last night, Britain’s Got Talent icon and noted conspiracy theorist, Amanda Holden, pointed the blame for the shocking scenes on Capitol Hill yesterday at mind-bending rays being emitted from lamposts in America.

Holden, 87, said: “These people were just ordinary, God-fearing citizens before they were bombarded with mind-altering 5G rays from lamposts in their neighbourhoods.

“There is no doubt in my mind that Tom Hanks was behind it and that Bill Gates paid the electricity bill afterwards.

“It’s the infant’s blood-drinking that causes it. Hanks drinks the blood, leaves some in the bottle for George Clooney, and then gives the order for the rays to be switched on which galvanises the howling mob.

“Some of the rioters had even started to morph into animals because of the rays. I saw one chap that had turned into a half-man/half bison for example.

“It’s all about the rays, you see.”

In other news, fellow sceptic and morning TV host, Eammon Holmes, leapt to the defence of under-fire president, Donald Trump, last night.

“People will be quick to point the finger at Trump’s mental condition but I would suggest that it reflects badly on us as a nation if we condemn a man just for being completely round the fucking bend”

And now, here’s a sneak preview of this year’s Spring collection at the New York Fashion Show

Image may contain: 1 person, standing, text that says "Steal His Look Urban Decay Eyeshadow Paliette $29.00 HMS Supersoft Fantasy Horns $11 95 Pandora Pendant Necklace $60.00 Glacier Wear Coyote Fur Russian Hat $279. 95 PPLE Pyle 20 Watt Megaphone $14.99 Carhartt Duck Dungaree $34. 99 Timberland Touchscreen Gloves $54.99"

Local masochist beats self to a pulp

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Dell pictured being stitched without anaesthetic at his own insistence last night

A local man with a long history of masochistic behaviour was rushed to The Royal London Hospital in Whitechapel yesterday afternoon after a neighbour spotted him lying unconscious and badly self-beaten in his back yard.

Toby Dell, 54, from Berner Street, had given himself such a good hiding during a bout of self-battering that he required thirty six stitches to facial wounds and was also treated for abrasions and deep bruising to the torso and upper thighs.

Dell, who has been working himself over for more than twenty years told a Whelk reporter: “I decided I’d been a naughty boy that needed to be disciplined.

“I started with some light flagellation using a leather riding crop but got a bit carried away and ending up giving myself a thoroughly good tonking.

“I feel dreadful at being a drain on the NHS at a time when they are stretched to breaking point and will be beating the crap out of myself as a punishment as soon as I get home.”

In other related news, a 32-year-old woman with sadistic tendencies was arrested at her home last week for allegedly forcing her husband to watch three episodes of The Michael McIntyre Show while nailed to the ceiling.

FREE INSIDE TODAY’S WHITECHAPEL WHELK

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We had an editorial staff meeting earlier in an attempt to write an amusing post script to this one but decided instead to point you towards this clown’s latest attempt to defraud the American electorate in a somewhat deranged and ever more desperate call to the governor of Georgia as it’s much funnier than anything we could come up with.

The poor sod is now clearly as nutty as a squirrel’s underpants, and, loathe as we are to lampoon the mentally unstable, we have decided to make an exception in the case of this mad orange fuck. – Ed

BREXIT UPDATE: Local man who doesn’t mind an occasional Guinness applies for Irish passport.

brexit bus

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he has now applied for an Irish passport to avoid being lumped in with people who voted for Brexit Britain.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Thrawl Street told us: “I hate the idea of leaving the European Union and abandoning all the benefits, both trade-related and cultural that this country has enjoyed for the past 47 years, just because a bunch of beetle-browed, racist fuckwits from the north of England voted to leave the union in the belief that we’d get blue passports and less darkies walking the streets.

“I’ve therefore applied for an Irish passport and will move to County Leitrim with the wife and cat just as soon as it comes through.

“I’ve got no Irish connections whatsoever, but I don’t mind the odd pint of Draught Guinness whenever I’m constipated, so, hopefully, that should swing it in my favour”

In related news, a pro-Brexit man from Barnsley in Yorkshire shot himself earlier today when he discovered, that despite Britain having left the EU, his local newsagent was still being run by a Pakistani.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Any readers from overseas who are undecided about the wisdom of Britain leaving the EU should take on board the fact that Donald Trump – a man who fervently believes that covfefe is grown in a country called Nambia and that people with covid should guzzle down copious quantities of bleach – considered it to be a good idea before reaching any conclusion

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