I’ll make Nanny Enid my Home Secretary, says Downing Street hopeful Rees Mogg

With underfire Prime Minister, Boris Johnson’s position looking increasingly precarious, his fellow Old Etonian and current Leader of The House of Commons, Jacob Rees-Mogg, appears to have thrown his hat into the ring in any forthcoming challenge for leadership of the Conservative Party.

Speaking to a fringe meeting of far-right Party members last night, Rees-Mogg said: ‘While I remain staunchly loyal to the Prime Minister, I’m also a realist and realise that a week is a long time in politics and he could be out on his ear by next Tuesday.

‘I should therefore like to put forward my case to fill the enormous gap that will be left, if and when he does get given his cucumber sandwiches wrapped in a road map at some point.

‘My Cabinet will consist of various Eton alumni, irrespective of political experience and based entirely on fortitude, moral fibre, religious zeal, and size of investment portfolio.

‘I haven’t decided on the allocation of the great offices of state quite yet as I’m waiting for the bribes to come in, but I can tell you that my childhood nanny, Miss Enid Chombley-Arkwright will be given the job of Home Secretary on the grounds of her staunchness of character, her knowledge of outlandish homemade cure-alls, and, above all, her firm and unflinching administration of the lash, which will hopefully keep troublesome backbenchers in line prior to entering the voting lobbies.’

Rees-Mogg went on to announce his vision for a ‘bright, new Conservative Britain’ by outlining plans to bring back, chimney sweeps, discounted gruel for street urchins whose parents voted for Brexit, and public executions, linked to the death penalty for stealing another chap’s tuck during evensong or masturbating to pictures of Matron while skiving behind a tree during the school’s annual hare and hounds cross country run.

Rees-Mogg, a colourful parliamentarian since 2010, recently came under fire from a parliamentary select committee who quizzed him for three days after accusations were levelled that he had sanctioned the roasting to death of three Liberal Democrat MPs in front of the log fire in his Palace of Westminster study after they had advocated free school meals for the ethnic minority children of unemployed LGBTQ activists.

PC Ted Stupor: The drink-fuelled London bobby you can trust

Evening all!

Now, London can be an extremely difficult place to retain law and order, with rowdy public demonstrations just one of the daily situations that we bobbies are confronted with on an almost daily basis.

Take last Friday for example.

With feelings running high following yet more revelations of raucous parties being held in the offices at Downing Street at the height of the pandemic, we found ourselves called out to a rowdy demo in Whitehall where hundreds of angry protestors had gathered to express their rage at the fragrant breaches of lockdown guidelines by the very people charged with implementing them.

We sped to the scene, mob-handed, and while my colleagues joined the protestors in calling for Johnson to do the decent thing and resign, I shot into The Moon On The Mall boozer and sank 15 pints of Stella with half a dozen Jim Beam chasers.

As I staggered out into the street just after midnight and began to make my way back to the nick, having soiled myself and with sick down my tunic, I was filled with a sense of satisfaction as I noticed that all was once again quiet and that, thanks to our efforts, the very best of order had been restored.

Evenin’ all!

Ted Stupor is the honorary vice-president of the Liver Disease and Temporary Amnesia Society

Prince Edward has been dead for past five years, says Palace spokesman

Edward pictured in happier times after opening a branch of Walmart in Kentish Town

Buckingham Palace last night made the surprise announcement that the Queen’s youngest son, Prince Edward, died unnoticed in 2017 following a short illness.

A spokesman for the Royal Family explained, “His Royal Highness Prince Edward passed away about five years ago but we can’t be sure about the date.

“We think it was probably during the summer but I’m afraid the exact details are a bit sketchy, to be honest.

“One of the maids found him on the floor in his bed-chamber but she thought he’d been drinking so he was left there for a few days.

“Eventually, he was taken to an undertaker in Putney to be cleaned up and so on”

“The Queen and Prince Philip were informed at the time, but they were on a tour of some Commonwealth countries and had probably forgotten about it by the time they got back.

“As far as anyone can remember his remains were buried in a cemetery in Fulham, not far from the football ground, but it was five years or so ago so we can’t be certain on that one”

Prince Edward’s wife, Sophie, told newsmen last night: “This is all news to me. I’d noticed he’d not been around lately but I assumed he was off on tour with one of those bloody theatre companies he hangs around with. Did he leave anything in his will do you know?”

The deceased royal was famously unobtrusive and stayed out of the limelight. This was never better illustrated than when he went absent without leave from his army regiment two days after joining them at Aldershot barracks and nobody realised he’d gone for seven years.

Nobody disses The Queen and Lives: Pope’s stark message to No.10 revellers

A furious Holy Father pictured last night

Pope Francis, last night delivered an uncompromising message to the Downing Street employees who held a boozy bash, complete with disco and DJ, while Her Majesty The Queen sat alone and socially distanced in St George’s chapel, mourning the loss of her husband of 73 years,

Speaking from The Vatican to assembled newsmen, The Holy Father stormed: ‘The Queen is a good friend and these lousy individuals have disrespected her in her time of grief.

‘I’m going to make the ringleaders pay for this with their lives.

‘The hangers-on, including the scumbag who went to the off-licence for more liquor, will be beaten and thrown in a dumpster with the trash, which is where they belong.

‘I’ve already picked a little firm of priests to get the job squared away and they’re on a flight to Heathrow as we speak.

‘The Queen may be a Prod while I’m more of a Roman Catholic but she’s also The Defender of The Faith, and that goes a long way in my eyes.

‘To be honest, I wanted to have Prime Minister Johnson taken care of too but then I figured that the chump is already a dead man walking.’

Pope Francis is not the first church leader to take punitive action against those perceived as malefactors and disrespecters of organised religion.

In 1987, the Dalai Lama garotted a Jehovah’s Witness who had knocked on his door while the living deity was waiting to find out who the killer was at the end of an episode of Columbo.

Quarantined local man set to recreate going to football match in own home

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man who will be unable to attend a football match this evening due to quarantine restrictions has told The Whelk that he intends to replicate the experience of watching the game, using his own home as the venue, while his back garden will be utilised to recreate travelling to the event.

Toby Dell, a diesel-fitter from Leman Street, told us: “I was gutted when I tested positive for covid on Sunday because I knew I’d be in breach of the quarantine rules if I went to the West Ham v Norwich match tonight.

‘However, I’ve decided to do the next-best thing by creating the whole experience at home.

‘At around 5.00 pm, I’ll go out to the shed to replicate going to the pub for a pre-match booze-up by drinking cans of lager until I can barely stand.

‘I shall then recreate the walk to the ground by doing circuits of the back garden for about half an hour.

‘I’ll get the missus to bring me out a takeaway kebab at some point as I always like a bit of scoff on the way to the match to soak up the ale.

‘Then, after urinating up the garden fence to faithfully replicate my pre-match Jimmy Riddle in public, I’ll show my ticket to the missus at the back door before going in to watch the game on the telly.

‘At half-time, I’ll steam into a few more cans of lager that I’ve smuggled in past the kids, who will be dressed in hi-viz jackets and acting as stewards.

‘After the match, I’ll go back into the garden for the dummy walk home, and if The Hammers have lost, I’ll jump the fence into next-door’s garden and beat seven shades of shit out of the bloke who lives there to recreate a spot of post-match soccer hooliganism.

‘Finally, it’ll be back indoors for a few cold sharpeners from the fridge before settling down to watch the highlights on Match Of The Day.

‘Unless, of course, we’ve lost, in which case I’ll go straight to bed without a word of greeting to the family with a face like a smacked arse.’

Mr Dell’s replication of a sporting event comes just two weeks after a man from neighbouring Shoreditch pretended to be present at The Masters Snooker Championship by putting the event on TV and then falling asleep for six hours.

Local man had sizzling phone-sex romp during marriage guidance session

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he indulged in phone sex with a female work colleague during a marriage guidance session attended by himself and his wife.

Toby Dell, from Brushfield Street, told us: ‘The wife insisted we undergo marriage guidance as we’ve been going through a rocky patch and I reluctantly agreed.

‘After around ten minutes with the counsellor, a woman at my work that I’ve been sleeping with, rang my mobile and started describing what she’d like to do with me.

‘Fortunately, I had my earbuds in as I was listening to the cricket from Australia so neither my wife nor the counsellor knew what was going on.

‘However, things got so heated between us that I reached a climax and had to muffle my cries of ecstasy by blowing my nose violently into a hankerchief while nodding enthusiastically at the woman, as if I was in strong agreement with everything she was saying.

‘It was hard going, so to speak, but I think I got away with it’

We spoke to Dell’s wife, Tracy last night who confirmed that she is now leaving him.

‘I knew full well what he was up to’ she told us. ‘Apart from all the fake nose-blowing and nodding, he was sweating like a nun in a dildo factory.

‘My suspicions were finally confirmed when he took off his underpants before getting into bed and it sounded like somebody tearing up the phonebook’

‘Novax’ unhappy with quality of quarantine hotel hookers, says mum

The mother of controversial tennis star, Novak Djokovic, has told newsmen that her son is not at all happy with the quality of the call girls at the Australian hostel where he is being quarantined as lawyers sort out the legal wrangle surrounding his right to enter the country.

Mrs Djokovic told reporters: ‘I spoke to him last night and he’s extremely upset at the poor quality of some of the hookers attached to the hotel.

‘He’s a huge sado-masochism and bondage fan and he told me last night that one of the girls had no handcuffs, no bullwhip, and refused pointblank when my son wanted her to wear a gimp mask, claiming she was anti-vax and had no time for all that mask nonsense.

‘He also wants to know why his application for a free, six-bedroom council house and a flat screen television has been turned down while immigrants to Britain are given these before they’ve even left their dinghies’

A spokesman for the Australian Immigration Department responded last night: ‘Listen, if this idiot things he can come waltzing into our country just because he’s got a few quid he can bloody well think again.

‘Anyway, he’s probably a war criminal. Most of those bloody Serbs are apparently’

At the time of going to press, Djokovic, dubbed ‘Novax’ on social media, had been refused permission to have the courtesy bar of soap in his room changed to one with a nicer scent.

Toddler savaged by government watchdog

There were calls for changes to The Dangerous Bureaucrats Act last night after a 3-year-old girl was admitted to Great Ormond Street Hospital suffering from wounds inflicted by a Government Watchdog that had been left free to roam inside The Palace of Westminster.

The toddler who hasn’t been named, suffered a number of sickening injuries which included being bored witless by endless pontificating and mindless conjecture.

The mite was reportedly badly savaged in front of a dim-witted tribunal of bumbling members of The House Of Lords who were so bladdered on Glenfiddich and Wincarnis they didn’t know if they wanted a shit or haircut.

The child’s mother, looking visibly distressed, spoke briefly to reporters last night: “It’s every parents worse nightmare to see their baby subjected to an ordeal like this.

‘We were thinking of buying her a small quango for Christmas but there’s just no way now.

‘She’s so traumatised she no longer wants to listen to The Today Programme on Radio 4 and only last night she curled up into a ball and began shaking uncontrollably during the music to Question Time.”

The watchdog’s owner Mr B. Johnson of Westminster spoke to reporters through a mesh grill in his front door last night

“I can’t believe this has happened in all honesty. I’ve had that watchdog since it was a tiny public enquiry into minor civil misdemeanours and it’s always been as gentle as a lamb.

‘I used to let my two kids go into a committee room with that watchdog and they’d jump on the chairman’s back and pull his ears without so much as a mild rebuke and now this has happened.

‘Admittedly there have been a couple of times it’s had a bit of a go at one or two select committees that have been allowed to wander around off the lead, but at the end of the day, it was only defending it’s territory.

‘I’m absolutely distraught, to be honest with you. It goes without saying I’ll have it destroyed at the very next cabinet meeting.”

Last night a police watch was being kept on Mr Johnson’s’s home to prevent repercussions from vigilante neighbours and irate members of the electorate who want to confront the PM over the Brexit disaster and for proposing to scrap capital gains tax on second homeownership.

Taliban set to allow women to practice mild nagging during daylight hours

Delighted Afghan women pictured last night expressing joy at their new-found freedom 

Afghanistan’s Taliban leaders have announced, that as part of their inclusivity policy towards women, a controlled amount of spousal nagging will be permitted from February this year during daylight hours, after which a strictly enforced ban will be imposed.

Any woman caught droning on to her spouse about his failings as a husband beyond this designated period will be stoned to death inside the nearest football stadium.

A Taliban spokesman told reporters: ‘A certain amount of mild nagging will be permitted during daylight hours.

‘Women will be free to complain about minor irritations such as a husband’s habit of leaving wet towels on the floor in the bathroom, hookah smoking in the car while driving, or loud chanting while reading  The Qur’an in bed.

‘However, women will be strictly forbidden to address more serious issues like a man’s serial adultery or his habitual and righteous use of the lash to keep her in order.

‘All Afghan women will be given these generous rights and will adhere to them on pain of death.’

A spokeswoman for a women’s rights organisation in Kabul said last night: ‘It’s certainly a small step forward, and I for one can’t wait to give my husband some serious grief over his general untidiness and his disgusting habit of blowing his nose on the goats’.