Comrades!: An Everyday Story of Heroic Soviet Folk

MoNdAy

The temperature dipped a bit today. When we thawed out the thermometer it read -35.C. Heroic Comrade Cat is missing. We await his glorious return.

“Winter draws on” said Comrade Wife. – I thought that she’d put them on at the start of November! Still, we have a roaring bar on the electric fire and plenty of electricity to power it thanks to our glorious state energy produc…

WE THRUST THE BANNER OF FREEDOM INTO THE TESTICLES OF OUR CRAVEN ENEMIES WHO FLEE BEFORE US LIKE CARRION CROWS!!!

TuESdAY

Comrade Wife has injured herself by slipping on a frozen cow-pat at the collective farm and will be off work for 2 weeks. The doctor has told her to take things easy. I have thoughtfully advised her to take her wheeled shopping trolley with her when she sets off on the ten-kilometre journey through the snow to get my vodka from the market in Voldosgrad. It was touching to see the tears of gratitude well up in her eyes. Still no sign of heroic, Comrade Cat

OUR WOMENFOLK LAUGH AT THE PAMPERED WESTERN TROLLOPS WITH THEIR DECADENT, LABOUR-SAVING, TESCO ‘BUY-ONLINE’ HOME DELIVERY

WedNEsDaY

Had a nice quiet night in with Comrade Wife last night. We settled down in front of the TV to watch a heroic, 2-hour display of Cossack dancing by the 731st Infantry Regiment, followed by, ‘Denounce Your Traitorous Neighbour,’ hosted by ‘Cheeky’ Colonel Boranavich from the 21st Moscow NKVD death squad. How the poor downtrodden workers of The West must envy our cultural superiority. Have sent Children #3 and #7 out into snow to search for Comrade Cat

OUR GLORIOUS PIANO ACCORDIANS BRING JOY AND SUCCOUR TO THE WORLD!

ThURsDaY

Spectacular display of the Northern Lights last night. We were totally spell-bound as we looked out of the hole in the wall where the window used to be; marvelling at the coloured beams of light swirling in every direction. How foolish we felt when, this morning, Mr Danolski from downstairs told us that it was actually the local nuclear power station going into melt-down. Comrade wife and myself seem to have developed a slight rash. Still no sign of Children #3 and #7 or Comrade Cat.

WE JOYOUSLY VIOLATE THE SOFT UNDERBELLY OF THE IMPERIALIST JACKALS!

FrIdAy

Joyous news comrades! Heroic Comrade Cat has returned!. All of the family are delighted to see him as we’ve been worried for weeks. There will be special celebratory roast dinner tonight as he has brought a mouse back with him. Have sent Children #2 and #9 out to search for heroic siblings.

RAISE YOUR VOICES IN EXULTATION COMRADES AS WE MARCH ON TO A GLORIOUS NEW DAWN OVER THE TWITCHING BODIES OF OUR IMPERIALIST FOES!

SaTuRdAy

Beetroot gruel supply now dangerously low. Comrade Cat has gone missing again.

“Comrades” was devised and written circa 2010 on a tight budget by decadent plutocrat and Whelk editor, Danny SoZ, and Western imperialist hyena, Gary Moore.

Local Sex Offender Sentenced to Spend Six Months as a Serving Metropolitan Police Officer

A 47-year-old Whitechapel man who has been convicted of a number of sex offences over the last twenty years has been ordered by a judge to spend six months as a sergeant in the Metropolitan Police.

Robert Desmond, a market trader from Leman Street, appeared in court yesterday, charged with gross indecency after being caught exposing himself to a woman out jogging in Victoria Park.

Desmond, divorced, has already served a number of prison terms for offences, ranging from voyeurism and indecent exposure to masturbating into his food at a local Indian restaurant.

Judge Tobias Dell, told Desmond: ‘Imprisonment seems to have little or no effect when it comes to curbing your offending behaviour.

‘I am, therefore, sentencing you to serve six months as a Metropolitan Police officer where your predilections will no doubt find favour amongst your like-minded colleagues and your unsavoury activities can be kept firmly under wraps by your superior officers in time-honoured fashion.

Judge Dell then stipulated that there would be no prospect of early release in Desmond’s case, but that if his offending continues or escalates to a more serious level, his term could be extended to a longer spell in the Met as a senior officer, up to and including Chief Commissioner.

This latest case comes two months after a man from neighbouring Stepney, convicted of wounding and conspiracy to rob along with various drugs and firearms offences, was told he must serve at least ten years as the Deputy Commander of Scotland Yard’s Flying Squad.

‘Feral’ Pack of Dogwalkers Savage Pitbull Terrier

At risk. A vulnerable pitbull terrier pictured yesterday

A 3-year-old American pitbull terrier was on the brink of death last night following a vicious attack by a pack of around eight, mainly female dogwalkers, in a park in East London.

The walkers had broken free from their canine charges before forming into what was described by an onlooker as ‘a feral, out-of-control pack.’

The dog concerned, Samson, believed to be from a home in Whitechapel, had stopped beside the lake in Victoria Park in Bow for a lie-down in the sunshine when the dogwalkers set upon the defenceless creature, causing horrendous injuries which required surgical treatment at a local veterinary practice.

A young woman who witnessed the brutal attack told us: ‘They were crazed with bloodlust. They repeatedly punched and kicked the poor dog and only stopped after a couple of young men bravely stepped in and started dragging them off one by one, despite the fact that the walkers were snapping at them with bared teeth and whipping them with their extendable dog leads’

A Home Office spokesman described the attack as ‘regrettable and unacceptable’ and gave assurances that legislation will be toughened and stricter controls introduced via the existing Dangerous Dog Walkers Act.

A Kennel Club spokesman went further and called for any walkers spotted in public without a dog to be ensnared prior to being humanely destroyed.

Rees-Mogg Set To Continue Annual Struggle to Loosen Lid on Xmas Picallili

Conservative backbench MP, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has told friends that he is going to redouble his annual efforts to loosen the lid on a jar of Pan Yan mustard pickle despite having failed to do so every Christmas since 1987.

The former Leader Of The House has confided that he has been undergoing a strength-training program with a view to finally completing a task that has thwarted his best efforts since Margaret Thatcher was in Downing Street.

Following his initial vain attempt in ’87, the Old Etonian’s struggles were reportedly met with a fair amount of good-natured derision by family and friends seated around the Boxing Day table at Rees-Mogg’s Somerset home.

Amongst other jibes, he was branded, a ‘weed’ and a ‘socialist girly that couldn’t knock the skin off a rice pudding’

Eventually, a totally spent and heavily sweating Rees-Mogg claimed that the lid was ‘cross-threaded’ and that, ‘The machine must have put it on wrong’ before angrily storming from the room.

According to sources, he has made vain, clandestine attempts to loosen the lid during night-time visits to the kitchen every Christmas for the last thirty-four years.

During this time he has used a number of gambits, including, soaking the jar in easing oil, clamping the lid in a bench vice before twisting the body of the jar wrapped in a tea towel, deploying a Mole Wrench, and tapping around the edges of the lid with a pair of antique brass nutcrackers.

However, his wife, Helena, told a Sunday Times journalist in a 2015 interview that he has actually been trying to turn it the wrong way the entire time but has sullenly refused to accept the fact, claiming that he has been opening jars of tasty delicacies and sweetmeats since his time attending midnight feasts at prep school and that people ‘should jolly well mind their own business’.

In 2019, Rees-Mogg famously had to ask Her Majesty The Queen to open the door to let him out of a hospitality room at Balmoral after he was unable to turn a heavy brass door knob following his now notorious visit when he lied to her about the legality of the prorogation of Parliament.

After the incident, he was met with catcalls and howls of derision from the Labour benches in a raucous parliamentary session, during which he claimed that he ‘must have already loosened it for her’.

US Calls For Aljazeera to Screen ‘Happy Days’ In Place of Gaza Reports

In an unprecedented move, US Secretary of State, Anthony Blinken, has put pressure on the Qatari government, who control the groundbreaking Aljazeera news network, to tone down their unflinching, graphic coverage of the Israeli/Gaza conflict by screening episodes of 70s hit sitcom, Happy Days, instead.

‘I don’t think people are interested in having war crimes highlighted while at home relaxing’ he told newsmen.

‘Aljazeera should tone it down a little, cut out the imagery of bloodied and dying children and show Happy Days on a loop instead.

‘After all, who wouldn’t prefer to see The Fonz making out in his car with a cheerleader over yet another Israeli airstrike on a hospital?’

Critics in the media world, however, have called Blinken’s move outrageous and a cynical attempt to curry favour with the wealthy Jewish lobby in the States during the run-up to an election year.

Here in the UK, the reaction has been mixed, with Prime Minister Rishi Sunak offering the move his ‘wholehearted backing’ while Defence Secretary, Grant Shapps, asked reporters: ‘Aljazeera? Is that the little foreign chappie who runs that rather wonderful Lebanese eaterie at St Katherine’s Dock?’

Laughable conjecture, of course. I mean, an attempt by the US to stifle a respected broadcast medium is clearly for the birds…isn’t it? – Ed

I’ll Push In Front Of Israeli Troops at Gaza Border, Says Holly Willoughby

Weapons-grade irritant, Willoughby, pictured looking as if butter wouldn’t melt earlier this year

In a shock announcement last night, former Good Morning TV host, Holly Willoughby, told The Whelk that she intends to head for the Israel/Gaza border at the weekend where she will shove her way to the front of the massed Israeli troops in a bid to be at the vanguard when the order is eventually given to move into the Palestinian enclave.

Willoughby, 62, was heavily criticised last year when, along with her erstwhile joint presenter, Philip Schofield, she barged her way into Westminster Hall as Her Late Majesty Queen Elizabeth lay in state, infuriating members of the public who had queued for more than twenty-four hours to pay their respects.

Speaking from her Surrey home, she told us: ‘I’m determined to be the first over that border and if it means that the some members of the Israeli Defence Forces are elbowed to one side, so be it’

‘When asked if her former friend, and now disgraced TV host, Schofield, would be joining her, she became irate and snapped: ‘Absolutely no chance. I realise we were once close, but since he ruined our status as the prince and princess of morning TV by coming out as an arse bandit who’d been roaring up a young production assistant, I want absolutely nothing more to do with the fool’

We approached Schofield for a response last night but we were told that he was camped outside the home of the naturalist, David Attenborough, in order to be the first on the scene, looking grief-stricken in the event of the 97-year-old national treasure’s death.

Our foreign readers may have absolutely no idea who the wretched woman is so let us assure you that she’s an absolute fucker of a very high order indeed! – Ed

Israeli and Hamas Leaders Anxiously Seek Guidance From Morons on Facebook

With the Gaza crisis reaching heightened levels of tension, leaders of both Hamas and Israel are anxiously scanning Facebook for advice from gormless fucknuts who can barely summon the necessary motor skills to walk and rub their tummies at the same time.

An Israeli government spokesman told newsmen last night: ‘This is a critical time for our forces as we prepare to strike at the very heart of the Hamas command and control capability, so it’s absolutely vital to see what some industrial strength dickwad Facebooker with shit for brains would consider to be our best strategy on this one.’

Meanwhile, a Hamas representative told the Reuters news agency: ‘With the Zionist dogs moving ever closer, it’s imperative that we establish what a variety of slack-jawed, semi-literate thundercunts have shoved up on their statuses in between posting pics of their poxy dinners and various photos of their alarmingly hideous kids.’

At the time of going to press, a 47-year-old unemployable man from Clapham in South London has just posted on Facebook that he thinks the Israelis should just charge at the Hamas fighters, dug in around Gaza City, on horseback, as his great-great grandad did at The Battle of Austerlitz in 1805.

He then added a recent photograph of his unpleasant-looking grandson who bears a striking resemblance to the comedian, Benny Hill.

Have you got anyone on your Facebook who has the solution to the Israel/Palestine problem which has confounded the finest diplomatic and geo-political minds since 1947? I know I have. -Ed

Local Mayor Proposes Bake-Off to Settle Israel/Hamas Conflict

The Mayor of Whitechapel has proposed that the current conflict between Israel and the terror group, Hamas, could be settled with a Great British Bake-Off-style contest to be held in a big tent on The Golan Heights.

His Worship Tobias Dell, CBE, told newsmen: ‘This current conflict looks like it could be a pretty drawn-out and bloody affair unless a long-term solution can be found.

‘I propose a bake-off in Golan with the side baking the best cakes being given the deeds to Palestine.

‘Paul Hollywood and Pru Leith could be the main judges with a couple of neutrals from China or one of the smaller countries like Britain as secondary adjudicators.

‘Of course, the bakers from both sides would be forbidden from shouting slogans at each other while waiting for their cakes to rise in the oven and from packing their buns or loaves with plastic explosives that could be used as weapons after the ‘stop baking’ directive is given at the end.’

A spokesman for the Israeli government said last night: ‘Sounds like a great plan. We pride ourselves on our cakes and buns here in Tel Aviv so we’re quietly confident.

‘Also, due to our illegal, essential services blockade on Palestine, the Hamas boys will be pretty short of yeast and even flour, so we’ve already got a headstart on the barbarian scum’

A Hamas spokesperson responded earlier today: ‘This is a great idea. Our boys are already dab hands at knocking up fancy cakes in the tunnels under the Gaza strip for when the lads have birthdays and at Christmas, so we’re quietly confident of kicking Zionist ass and claiming back the occupied territory, inshallah’

This proposal could mirror the peace deal struck between Britain and the IRA in 1990, when the Republicans agreed to stop bombing the British mainland after losing an ad hoc version of Bruce Forsythe’s, The Generation Game, staged in Dar Es Salaam.

Trump Opts Out of Trial Due to ‘Bigly Bone Spur Issues’

Ex-US President, Donald Trump, has announced that he will no longer be attending hearings regarding a number of federal crimes and misdemeanours that he stands accused of citing ‘bigly bone spur pain’. as the key factor in his decision not to stand trial.

Addressing a number of quarter-wits at a supporter’s rally last night, Trump announced. ‘The pain I’m currently suffering from my chronic bone spur condition has become so bigly that I’m withdrawing from all legal proceedings against me.

‘The failing FBI will just have to find someone else to stage a witchhunt against.

‘Maybe crooked Hillary or somebody like that.

‘I mean they never really got to the bottom of that business with her emails did they? So sad my friends.

‘I’m now going to take a well-earned break abroad to recuperate.

‘I’m thinking of going to Nambia or some other shithole country like that’

Editor’s Note. If you’re not very bright and would like to point out that Joe Biden’s old or something then I would strongly urge you not to do so. Ignoring this directive could lead to you having a new one ripped in very short order indeed