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Airport Twitter storm Brexiter had mistakenly joined the queue for the ladies toilets says eyewitness

brexit 50p

The staunch Brexiteer who went viral on Twitter last Friday when he complained about the length of the queue at a Dutch airport, had mistakenly joined the queue for the ladies toilets and not passport control according to an eye witness

Colin Browning, who tweeted, ‘This wasn’t the Brexit I voted for’, was also lampooned for his tweets on immigrants, gays, and female sports commentators.

He was ridiculed throughout the day by thousands and even trended on Twitter following his outburst about having to wait 50 minutes to get through passport control at Schiphol airport.

However, according to a female traveller who was standing behind the 55-year-old, he was actually in the queue for the ladies toilets, presumably by mistake, although this hasn’t yet been confirmed

Mrs Tracy Dell, 43, told newsmen: “This gentleman was just in front of me in the queue for the ladies.

“The back of his neck was really red and he kept muttering to himself about taking back control, the blacks, and unelected bureaucrats.

“I tapped him on the shoulder and tried to point out he was in the wrong queue but he got really upset and started shouting.

“At first, he accused me of talking to him in foreign.

“He then said I was after his job and wanted to enter the UK to live on unemployment benefits while sitting at home all day with the curtains drawn watching a flatscreen television.

“I wouldn’t mind but I’m a white English hairdresser from Essex”

Mr Browning was eventually led away by Dutch police who later charged him with disturbing the peace and defacing the cover of his European passport which he had coloured in with a blue crayon.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This skit was rejected by one of the satire heavyweights yesterday and it’s not difficult to see why

STUDY: ‘Woo Woos’ who drink their own urine probably not best placed to advise on vaccines

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Taking the pee. An anti-vaxxer pictured bathing in human waste last night

A recent study carried out by Swansea University has found that people who routinely drink their own urine in the belief that it has restorative powers are probably not the best people to turn to when seeking advice on the side effects of vaccination, despite the fact that the anti-vax lobby and the urine consumers are often intrinsically linked on social media.

Speaking at a meeting of paediatricians in London, Professor Tobias Dell, who headed the study, said: “Our research has shown that individuals who drink their urine – I believe they are known as woo woos in the United States – are not qualified to offer advice on vaccines, nor indeed, anything else in my opinion.

“Our study revealed that a large percentage of these people have a history of mental illness and should be avoided at all costs, particularly if they offer you a glass of lemonade.

“Drinking urine has no health benefits whatsoever and may even be injurious to those who do it.

“In short, any kind of contact with our bladder contents should be avoided where possible. I don’t care what the president of the United States says”

Local man seated near pub dartboard felt blood run cold as woman stepped up to the oche

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Avoiding the point. A man pictured watching a ladies darts match last night

A 54-year-old man who was seated close to a pub dartboard last week has told The Whelk that he felt a frisson of terror that chilled his very blood when a woman approached the oche and began removing a set of darts from a leather holder.

Toby Dell, a foundry worker from Vallance Road, told us: “I was enjoying a quiet pint after work when this woman came out of nowhere and began getting her darts out.

“I immediately realised that I was in danger of losing an eye or worse.

“As she prepared to launch the first dart, I considered getting under the table until she’d thrown all three but I didn’t want to appear scared so I pretended to go to the toilet and sneaked out of the door and went home instead.

“I’ve never felt fear like it, to be honest. When I got home, I was so shaken my wife thought I’d been mugged again”

Last year alone, 257 men were badly injured by women playing pub games. Darts accounted for the large majority. However, in March, a Bermondsey man was blinded by a woman playing shove halfpenny, and in July, three men needed hospital treatment for head injuries at The Royal London Hospital after being repeatedly struck by a group of middle-aged women playing skittles in The Admiral Nelson in Cripplegate.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Sorry about this one ladies. Our feature’s editor’s wife has divorced him and gained custody of the dog so he wanted an article that lashes out unfairly at females everywhere.

Prince Andrew to be busted down to cabin boy on 60th birthday

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In a break from royal tradition, the Royal Navy are going to demote Prince Andrew to ship’s cabin boy on his 60th birthday following allegations that the prince had unlawful sex with an underage girl at the home of the late convicted paedophile, Jeffrey Epstein.

It is traditional that members of the royal family receive 10-yearly promotions in the armed forces, irrespective of whether or not they are on active service.

However, a spokesman for the Royal Navy told newsmen that this would not be the case where Prince Andrew is concerned: “While the Royal Navy is a modern-thinking outfit, willing to embrace the sexual preferences of all who serve, we do draw the line at rewarding paedophiles.

“So with that in mind, we have decided to demote Prince Andrew from Rear Admiral to ships cabin boy 2nd class on the occasion of his 60th birthday.

“His duties will include; sweeping out the wardroom, making the captains bed, serving the men with their grog ration, carrying out the care and maintenance of the cat o’ nine tails, as well as stocking the medicine cupboard in the post-sodomy treatment room”

This announcement mirrors the treatment given to Andrew’s younger brother, Edward, who was busted down to Private 2nd Class during his spell in the Royal Marines after a copy of Altar Boys In Pantyhose was discovered in his locker during a routine inspection.

Did Meghan tamper with ignition system on Queen’s Land Rover asks Daily Mail.

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The royal rumour mill was abuzz with conjecture last night after a gamekeeper on The Queen’s Sandringham estate revealed that Her Majesty had told him that her favourite Land Rover Defender was ‘running a bit lumpy’ following an early morning drive around the estate last week.

The Daily Mail newspaper is examining the theory that The Duchess of Sussex may have tampered with the ignition system on the vehicle in a malicious act designed to get her own back on The Queen for complaining to the press that she and Prince Harry are stepping back from their royal duties.

The Mail’s motoring correspondent lashed out furiously at The Duchess in his morning column: “It’s a nailed-on certainty that Meghan has done this to cause Her Majesty upset” he writes

“I’m convinced that she removed the distributor cap, re-gapped the points and altered the dwell angle.

“She almost certainly also loosened one or two HT leads on the sparkplugs just for good measure.

“The woman’s disrespect for our Monarchy seems to know no bounds to be honest.

“I’m not saying it’s because she’s black but it certainly can’t help, can it?”

In other news, the Daily Telegraph has accused Meghan of giving Prince George fleas after holding the royal youngster’s hand during a stroll in Green Park a year ago.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article contains no inference that the British right-wing media are being racist in the way they single out the Duchess for criticism. In our view, they treat all people of colour with equal disdain

Man-Coronavirus far more debilitating says world health body.

man coronavirus

The World Health Organisation stated last night, that, according to research, men suffering from the virulent, coronavirus disease will experience debilitating symptoms far in excess of those suffered by women

A WHO spokesman told a news conference last night: “It has now been established beyond any shadow of a doubt that men with coronavirus will suffer far more debilitating effects from the illness than their female counterparts

“A male sufferer can expect to be confined to the sofa with a box of man-size tissues and the TV remote control for anything up to six weeks.

“Doing any form of work around the house will be totally out of the question, and, in extreme cases, they may even have to be helped to the toilet and up the stairs to bed by a female partner.

“Women, on the other hand, will feel quite unwell and physically weak, but will still be able to cook meals, clean the house and take the kids to school, as well as make cups of sweet tea with a drop of whiskey in it for their stricken male partners as they heroically battle for life on the sofa”.

 

PC Ted Stupor in: Legless in Brexitland

PC Ted (New)

Evenin’ all

Policing a sprawling, multicultural city like London can be a taxing and often hazardous task as I found out to my cost last night.

At around 15.00, our sarge summoned us into the briefing room and told us that we were being assigned to police the Brexit leaving party scheduled for 19.30 in Parliament Square.

We arrived in plenty of time at around 17.00 and while my colleagues deployed around the perimeter I began searching for drink.

It was a pretty fruitless task initially as the Mayor had declared the area an alcohol-free zone to prevent the Brexiteers from getting rowdy and poking each other in the eye with their little Union Jacks on sticks.

By 20.00 my mouth was like the bottom of a baby’s pram and I was seriously thinking of abandoning my post and going for a few jars in The Albert in Victoria Street.

Then, I spotted a group of elderly revellers who had somehow managed to smuggle a crate of Wincarnis tonic wine past the cordon.

With not a moment to lose, I raced over, snatched a couple of bottles and began tucking in as if there were no tomorrow.

At just after 23.00, I celebrated Britain leaving the EU by spewing my ring up all over one old grunter’s zimmer frame and pissing in the ear of an old dear in a wheelchair while she sang the national anthem.

Evenin all.

PC Ted Stupor is vice-chairman of the Metropolitan Liver Carnage Society

Brexit woman ‘gutted’ as commemorative tea towel disintegrates during first wash

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A 54-year-old woman from the north of England has expressed her dismay after the commemorative Brexit tea towel she had bought just days earlier fell to bits in the washing machine during its maiden wash.

Amanda Dann, a housewife and mother of two from Leeds, told the Yorkshire Post newspaper: “I was gutted when my Brexit tea towel fell to bits.

“It was a really nice one too with pictures of Nigel Farage and British bulldogs on it.

“It wasn’t cheap either. I paid fifty pounds for it from an online company called, The White Crusaders.co.uk.

“They told me that half the money would be given to a pressure group dedicated to driving all the blacks into the sea.

“I can only assume it was made abroad. Probably Africa or one of those other EU countries.”

When it was pointed out to Mrs Dann that the product was manufactured in Barnsley she became red in the face and began repeatedly yelling, “You lost, get over it” before collapsing to the floor.

ADVISORY NOTE: If you’re not from London and want to attend the Brexit leaving party scheduled to take place in Parliament Square, here are some directions: Head south towards Oxford and keep going until you come to a big town with a river running through it and a happy, thriving, multicultural populace.

FOOTNOTE: Don’t try to find your way by heading towards the bongs of Big Ben. There ain’t gonna be any.

Prince Andrew Bombshell: I was in a Whitechapel pie and mash shop when FBI tried to contact me

kellys

Beleaguered royal, Prince Andrew, has claimed that he was in a pie and mash shop in East London when the FBI were trying to gain his assistance with their investigation into his close friend, the late Jacob Epstein and his links to sex trafficking.

A spokesman for Prince Andrew said last night: “His Royal Highness wishes for it to be known that he was in Kelly’s pie and mash shop in Whitechapel High Street during the entire time the Bureau were trying to contact him.

“He had pie, double mash and liquor with fruit pie and custard for afters.

“Unfortunately, he doesn’t have a receipt so you’ll just have to take our word for it.”

We spoke to the shop’s owner, Bill Kelly last night who denied that Prince Andrew was in his eaterie at the time: “No mate”, he told us. “I’d have remembered something like that

“Mind you, we did have the Queen Mother in here in 1941 when she was inspecting the bomb damage in the East End after the Luftwaffe bombed the docks.

“No, if Prince Andrew had come in, he’d have been battered by the other customers.

“We don’t take kindly to nonces around here”

In other royal news, Meghan Markle has been savaged in the tabloids for giving tacit support to communism after she was spotted wearing a red jumper in a Toronto millinery shop last Friday.

Editor’s Note: There is no Kelly’s in Whitechapel but there is one in Bow and another in Bethnal green. Wonderful establishments and I highly recommend both.

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