Meghan may have been military advisor to Serb monster, Mladic, says Daily Mail

In an exclusive piece in today’s Daily Mail, the newspaper makes the shocking claim that the Duchess of Sussex may have been a military advisor to convicted Serbian war criminal, Ratko Mladic, dubbed, The Butcher Of Bosnia, who oversaw atrocities inflicted on the Bosnian Muslims, Croats, and other non-Serbs in the early 90s.

The Mail makes the damning accusation, citing the fact that little was known of Meghan Markle – as she was known back when Mladic was committing war crimes.

“It’s highly probable that Markle was behind many of these attrocitities,” says the newspaper.

“Mladic could never have engineered the killings of civilians in Sarajevo and places like that without help, and attention-seeking Markle has to be high on the list of probable accomplices.

“She may have thought that she could get a book deal out of it at some point, or even a TV exclusive with Oprah Winfrey on prime time television.”

Mladic, currently serving a life sentence for genocide in The Hague, allegedly refused to deny the allegation when questioned by a Mail reporter last Tuesday.

The shock claim comes almost 27 years after The Daily Express newspaper’s 1996 claim that Princess Diana was a close associate of brutal Ugandan despot, Idi Amin, during his murderous reign of terror in the 1970s.

However, the newspaper retracted the claim a year later when the princess was killed in a car crash and the news media had to like her again.

Olympics to be paused if sufficient Americans want to go for a shit

There was consternation among worldwide viewers of the Olympic Games last night as the IOC governing body announced that The Games, already scheduled to pander to American TV audiences, would be halted for short periods if sufficient Americans were using a specifically designed app, indicating that they were going to leave the room to have a bowel movement.

In a statement issued last night, the IOC stipulated: “If we receive data, indicating that more than five per cent of viewers in The United States need to go to the bathroom for an extended period we will halt the Games immediately until all or most of them have finished.

“It will mean that swimmers must stop and do the doggy paddle for a bit, while footballers, hockey players etcetera will have to sit down on the pitch until most of the Americans have indicated via the app that are back in front of their tellys.

“Exceptions will be made for pole vaulters, if they have already started going up, and for boxers, if they are in the process of falling over following a knockout punch.

“Runners will have to pull up and wait at the side of the track, or in the case of the Marathon, they can have a rest at the side of the road or go in someone’s house for a bit of a sit-down or even to have a shit themselves.

“However, Americans needing to have a quick piss or to just grab a beer from the fridge will not be catered for. They will just have to press pause and fast forward through the boring bits like the rest of the world has to.

“We will also be asking them to keep disruption to a minimum by trying to have a good clear out before the day’s event begin and to refrain from their customary practice of throwing huge quantities of bowel-busting fast food down their greedy fat necks every five minutes.”

Local dog-walker ‘gutted’ after failure to stumble on grisly murder scene

Dense undergrowth, typical of the type of area where dogs discover human remains

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he was extremely disappointed when he failed to discover the body of a murder victim while out walking his new puppy at the weekend.

Toby Dell, a gravity die-caster from Vallance Road, told us: “I was really looking forward to taking the dog out for his first walk since we bought him and discovering a partially-clothed dead body in some dense undergrowth after the dog had run in to investigate.

“However, after spending over an hour in Mile End Park, going close to all the undergrowth I could find, I came back home without stumbling across a single grisly murder scene.

“I was really looking forward to discovering a mutilated corpse and calling the cops to report it.

“I could have been interviewed on BBC London News by that Alice Bandrakarvy or one of her colleagues, so I’m pretty gutted to be honest.

“If this continues for much longer I’ll get rid of the dog or get the missus to take it out for a shit in future”

Statistics show that 98 per cent of murder victims are discovered by dog-walkers, usually after the owner has accidentally thrown the dog’s ball into a densely wooded area or thick undergrowth.

Queen prefers Russian national anthem to ours, says Palace insider

Anthem envy. Her Majesty is not amused as President Putin hums along to Russian anthem during 2007 state visit

According to a royal insider, Her Majesty, The Queen is an avid fan of the Russian national anthem, formerly the anthem of The Soviet Union, and has been in talks with the government to have it adopted as the anthem of Great Britain and Northern Ireland in place of, God Save The Queen, that Her Majesty has often described to friends and family as ‘A bloody awful dirge’

The Queen, apparently considers the Russian anthem, Госудáрственный гимн Росси́йской Федерáции, ‘nice and catchy’ and has been seen at international events, including, the soccer World Cup and the Olympics, humming and tapping her foot whenever it is played.

It is widely believed that The Queen has always hated the British anthem and has stubbornly refused to learn the words, citing the fact that she never has to sing it herself.

A spokesman at the Russian Embassy in London told us: “We don’t blame The Queen for disliking her own national anthem. It’s far too slow and downbeat and the lyrics are an absolute joke, apart from the bit about scattering your enemies, which we’re all in favour of.

“I doubt if President Putin would let her use ours though. He’s very proud of it and often sings it in the bathroom after Russia has been involved in provocative behaviour internationally, like sending fighter jets into NATO airspace and stuff like that”

The Queen’s father, King George VI, was also believed to have harboured an intense dislike of the anthem and was once seen mouthing the words: “Oh for fuck’s sake, not this again” as the band struck up the opening bars during a state visit to The Virgin Islands in 1946.

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Vast majority of men who exchange heart emoticons on Facebook extremely likely to use male moisturising products, claims study

A recent study by Cambridge University has revealed that male Facebook users who routinely post heart emoticons on comments or status updates from other men are extremely likely to use male grooming products, in particular, moisturising cream.

Professor Tobias Dell, who led the two-year-long study, told New Scientist magazine: “Our results clearly show that men who routinely exchange love heart emoticons on the Facebook platform are almost certainly regular users of male grooming products, especially moisturiser, although some were also shown to habitually use skin-toning or rejuvenating products, particularly ones that smell of flowers and things of that nature”

These findings come hot on the heels of a recent survey by Yale University in The United States which revealed that the habitual exchanging of social media love hearts between adult males has led to a huge surge in demand for erectile dysfunction treatment and also a marked increase in men who openly admit to enjoying ballet, crochet, and having lengthy discussions with their partner on their relationship and where they think it may be going further on down the line.

I want to be laid to rest alongside Artoo Deetoo, says Queen

In a leaked Palace document, Her Majesty, The Queen has revealed that she wants to be buried alongside the Star Wars droid, Artoo Deetoo.

In an appendix to her will, The Queen states: “I have always been a huge fan of the Star Wars series of films, and in particular, of Artoo Deetoo, who always comes across as a force for good and decency.

“I am therefore stipulating that my earthly remains be interred alongside those of Artoo’s if possible, or at the very least, that he is dug up and placed in a tomb alongside my own at Westminster Abbey when the time comes.”

Her Majesty’s request is reminiscent of her mother’s directive that she be buried alongside the hero of the 1950s TV series, The King Of The Rocket Men.

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‘Desperate for love’ local woman had torrid affair with robot vacuum cleaner

A 47-year-old Whitechapel woman who had a passionate love tryst with her robot vacuum cleaner has told The Whelk that she was desperate for love and that the six weeks the two spent together was the most wonderful time of her life.

Tracy Dell, a housewife and mother of three, told us: “My husband has never been a very loving person throughout our marriage.

“He’s nice enough and doesn’t drink or go with other women but he’s just so cold emotionally.

“As the years went by I became more and more desperate for real love.

“So when I realised I was falling for our robot vacuum cleaner I seized the opportunity with both hands and decided to let my heart rule my head.

“We would sieze stolen moments together at every opportunity when my husband wasn’t around.

“The best times were when he was upstairs asleep and I would creep downstairs and have sex with the appliance in the cupboard under the stairs.

“It was truly wonderful and seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

“It ended just a month ago when I was doing the carpets on the hall, stairs and landing and the motor burnt out.

“I realise I’ll never know love like it again but my memories of our time together will never fade no matter what.”

Mrs Dell’s husband, Toby 54, told us: “I suspected something untoward was going on between my missus and that Hoover when I used to hear her in the hall cupboard, moaning and gasping but I just thought she was struggling to get the clips off the dust bag before emptying it into the bin”