Queen on Meghan: I miss our boiled eggs with soldiers, breakfasts in bed

Brekkie buddies: The Queen and Meghan pictured before The Duchess cleared off back to America

Her Majesty The Queen yesterday revealed in a BBC documentary that she often enjoyed having breakfast in bed with The Duchess of Sussex, Meghan Markle, and that she misses it dreadfully.

Speaking to documentary-maker, Louis Theroux, a clearly wistful Queen said: “Meghan would often pop down in the morning and climb into bed with me for a snuggle.

“We’d chat about life as a royal, its trials and tribulations and all manner of other things.

“Meghan was a big football fan who supported West Ham United and would often get a little tearful when the footman bought in the papers and she read about her beloved Hammers suffering another heavy defeat.

“I’m a Chelsea fan personally so I couldn’t have cared less, to be honest.

“We’d chat for a while and then breakfast would be served and we’d have it in bed, playfully dipping our soldiers in each other’s eggs and generally having a good laugh.

“Sometimes, Harry would come in looking for her and start moaning about having to breakfast alone but after he’d gone we’d start giggling because we both knew he had the face on over not getting his morning leg-over.

“I miss our times together and wish she’d make her peace with the family and come back.

“Kate’s very nice but she’s a bit strait-laced, to be honest.

“I did ask her if she’d care to join me for breakfast in bed on occasion but she made excuses and generally shied away from the idea.

“I think she suspected my motives and thought I could be a lezzer and might start muff-diving her under the covers”

Her Majesty’s surprise revelations come just a month after Prince Philip told Esquire magazine that he regularly had midnight feasts and nude pillow fights with Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, when she lived at Buckingham Palace with Prince Andrew in the 90s.

Our 25-minute sunshine break was ‘super worth it’ say local halfwits

Plucky Brits. Toby and Tracy pictured putting their disappointment to one side at Gatwick airport last night.

A 23-year-old man and his 19-year-old girlfriend who were forced to return from their eagerly-awaited holiday in Magaluf in Spain after just 25-minutes due to the latest coronavirus spike have hailed the break a huge success despite spending less than half an hour in the resort.

Toby Dell, a Whitechapel forklift truck driver who travelled with his beautician girlfriend, Tracy Carter, told us: “It was a blow when the airline told us to get the first available flight back because they were cancelling our return flight, but we had a brilliant twenty-five minutes and it was super-worth the money.

“When we got to the hotel we found that our room was filthy dirty and was running alive with cockroaches but the staff on the desk couldn’t have been more helpful and told us they’d find us another room in one of their other hotels in a different resort as soon as they got round to it.

“We got unpacked and found out how to turn the telly on so we were all set for a fantastic time.

“Then we got a text telling us to go back to the airport a bit lively or we’d have to make our own arrangements.

“It was a bit disappointing, but we did have a great time while we there and will definitely be going back next year.

Ms Carter was equally pleased with the £1500 break. “We had a great laugh at the airport after we landed and met some lovely peeps from Sheffield in the queue at security and we’ll deffo be keeping in touch. It’s what holidays are all about really. Meeting new people and that.

“I did get a bit burnt waiting for the taxi outside the airport and my shoulders have started peeling a bit but I’m not the first person to have overdone it on the first day and I don’t suppose I’ll be the last”, she laughed.

“I’m slightly cheesed off that we missed out on the hotel BBQ and the bar crawl that first night, but on the bright side, the transfer coach was only half an hour late picking us up and we did manage to grab a bottle of gin from the supermarket so we were well pissed-up by the time we got on the plane home. I’ll be going back, definitely”

In other related news, a 25-year-old woman from Fulham in West London has revealed that she contracted VD while on a two-week break in Lloret Del Mar despite the fact that, due to a covid scare, her flight had to turn round and return to Manchester airport when it was only halfway across the English Channel.

Local football club to install cardboard cut-outs of violent matchday disorder

West Ham United football club last night announced that if coronavirus is still a major issue when the season restarts on or around the 12th of September and fans are still not permitted to attend matches, they will install a number of scenes of soccer violence featuring cardboard cut-out hooligans around their London Stadium venue.

The East London club’s CEO, Karen Brady, told newsmen last night: “West Ham are determined to bring as much normality to matchdays as possible in these difficult circumstances.

“We have therefore decided to simulate the scenes of violent disorder that normally take place in and around the ground by setting up a small number of clashes between our own louts and fans from visiting clubs using cardboard cut-out figures.

“Initially, these will just feature the usual fistfights with the odd sustained kicking thrown in.

“However, when our bitterest rivals like Millwall or Tottenham are the visiting opposition we will be introducing a few cut-out figures with very serious knife injuries, and in the case of a vital cup game or a tense relegation clash, a few cardboard dead bodies will be left scattered around the area”

Ms Brady then took questions from the media but stormed off angrily when a journalist from a local newspaper asked if the club would continue selling their trademark cardboard meat pies at half-time.

Ryanair boss keyed my motor after refund request, says local clergyman

A Church of England Clergyman has told The Whitechapel Whelk that the CEO of controversial airline, Ryanair, ran a key along the side of his car door just days after he rejected a voucher to cover a flight cancelled due to covid-19 and asked for a cash refund instead.

The Reverend Tobias Dell, the Vicar of Whitechapel and Mile End, told us: “Shortly after requesting the refund I started getting anonymous calls from a man with an Irish accent.

“Initially, it was mainly sectarian abuse. He called me a Prod scumbag and told me that I would burn for all eternity in the fires of Hell unless I renounced my faith and converted to Roman Catholicism.

“Then he said that he knew about my request for a Ryanair refund and to accept a voucher for an alternative flight or face the consequences.

“Shortly afterwards, I noticed the boss of Ryanair, Michael O’Leary, hanging around outside my house, smoking and looking shifty.

“He would just stand there, staring at the house, flicking cigarette butts into my front garden.

“Then, in the early hours of last Tuesday morning, I heard this scraping noise outside and saw Mr O’Leary running a key along the side of my car.

“I shouted out of the window for him to stop but he just laughed and ran off.

“The damage was quite extensive and I noticed that he’d scratched an obscenity into the door too.

“I’ve now accepted the voucher to avoid any further incidents but I’m not at all happy to have done so”

Ryanair also came under fire yesterday for launching a stipulation that all passengers who refuse to buy a scratchcard during flights are subjected to 20 lashes of the cat-o-nine-tails around the back of the aircraft hangar after landing.

Trump sends handwritten commiserations card to Yorkshire Ripper

Sutcliffe pictured during happier times when he was roaming Yorkshire, murdering women

In a bizarre follow-up to his recent goodwill message to the British-born socialite, Ghislaine Maxwell, who is currently in custody awaiting trial for procuring underage girls for her paedophile associate, the late Jeffrey Epstein, President Donald Trump has sent a handwritten card to imprisoned mass murderer, Peter Sutcliffe aka The Yorkshire Ripper, expressing his sympathy for Sutcliffe’s long incarceration and wishing him all the best for the future.

Defending his actions to newsmen last night, Trump explained: “Listen, I know the guy killed a few hookers with a hammer but who knows what kind of pressure he was under.

“Everybody needs to let off a little steam and this guy’s no exception.

“To toss the guy into the can like that is excessive in my view. I mean it’s not like he used a private email server for official business, is it?

“I wish him well and if I could get him off the hook like I did with Roger Stone I would do it, no question.

“Maybe I could have a word with Boris. He’s a reasonable guy and could probably use the dough I’ll be offering”.

This latest move by the president comes just two weeks after he sent mass child killer, Beverly Allitt, dubbed, ‘The Angel of Death’, a box of Ferrero Rocher chocs and a bunch of carnations for her birthday in Rampton Secure Hospital for the criminally insane.

Coronavirus Guidelines: An Update From The PM

Good afternoon everybody

If you can get your face waxed by a beautician, do it from home. If you can’t get it waxed, do it safely on the tube, remembering to stay one metre-plus from any sheltering or vulnerable beauticians.

If you can work, don’t work, similarly, if you can’t work, work from a waxing salon but don’t wear a face covering, unless you’re on the tube and you have underlying wax issues.

Coronavirus will all be over by Christmas, but if it isn’t and more people require emergency waxing or shelter on the tube, I won’t hesitate to impose another lockdown, with no tube travel, no Christmas, and no waxing safely from home, unless you’re a vulnerable, sheltering tube driver with a hairy face.

We’re all in this together, especially when we’re waxing our tubes or sheltering our faces on the buses and tubes.

If you are sheltering, don’t shelter, just go to work on the tube and keep 1-metre-plus from any self-isolating vulnerable wax drivers, especially on the bus at Christmas.

Remember. Save wax. Stay out of the NHS. Protect the virus.

Now, I’ll take a few questions from vulnerable members of the press about safe waxing on Christmas Eve and the government’s plans to build five thousand sheltering salons for locked down beauticians during an NHS tube delay caused by wax on the line at Charing Cross on Boxing Day after we’ve all been in it together along with a few self-isolating NHS tube drivers…

West London: Pooh activists tear down Paddington Bear statue

Amid chaotic scenes in West London last night a mob of over 200 Winnie The Pooh activists attached ropes to the iconic statue of Paddington Bear on Platform 1 of the station which bears his name and pulled it from its plinth.

The baying mob then dragged it 100 metres to Paddington Basin and pushed it into the water, cheering wildly as it sank to the bottom of the canal.

A spokesman for the Pooh Liberation Front told newsmen: “That bear was a symbol of all that’s vile in this country.

“Unlike Winnie, he was a foreigner from a country notorious for its drugs trade and therefore serves as a constant reminder of the harm done to British coke-users down the years.

“He was also a convicted felon as we saw only too clearly in the first film about his sordid life.

“He may have made noises in public about being a marmalade enthusiast, but its an open secret that he was a clandestine honey thief.

“Why do you think Pooh was forever running out of the stuff?

“Britain smells a whole lot sweeter with this odious character at the bottom of the canal in my view.”

In other related news, the statue of Peter Pan outside Great Ormond Street Hospital in Bloomsbury was last night daubed with red paint and anti-Neverland slogans by Captain Hook militants.

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EDITOR’S NOTE: No Cockneys were harmed during the compilation of this funny and totally non-politically correct item. In fact, some of our best friends are Cockneys, including ourselves. Although, having said that, we do have a person from Yorkshire on the staff, but we don’t like to talk about her in polite company. In fact, we only keep her on because she’s really pretty, good at graphics, and makes us laugh when she speaks in a silly accent and talks about ‘washing t’ pots’.