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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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Ban ill-fitting dressing gowns to stop rise in Alzheimer’s, says Tory MP.

Eccentric Conservative MP, Michael Fabricant, yesterday called for a government ban on the ownership of garishly coloured, poorly-fitting dressing gowns as a proactive measure to curb the recent steady rise in people suffering from dementia and Alzheimer’s disease.

In a speech to local party members, Fabricant outlined his theory: ‘If you spot any of these Alzheimer types roaming aimlessly around the streets they are almost always wearing a brightly coloured dressing gown that doesn’t fit them, often accompanied by stripy flannelette pyjamas and shiny slippers.

‘I’m not saying that the dressing gowns per se are the root cause of the problem but perhaps if these people were denied access to them they’d be deterred somewhat, or would at least think twice, before wandering around all over the show, getting in the way of decent people trying to get to work and so on’

Last year, Fabricant had the party whip removed after he tweeted that working-class children under the age of five should have a sack of soot tipped over them three times a week as a reminder of their forebears’ task of crawling up chimneys to clear a blocked flue.

‘It would give these feckless youngsters of today a clearer idea of what a decent day’s work should consist of’, he tweeted in a post that was later taken down.

Snow Plough Unearths Inverness Family Trapped in Snow Drift Since 1963

snow

 From our North of the Border Correspondent Danny ‘Razor King’ McSoZ

A snow plough yesterday unearthed a 1961 Zephyr Zodiac containing a family of 6 that had been stuck in a snow drift in Inverness since the big freeze of 1963.

The McDell family told rescuers that they had survived by drinking melted snow, obtained by winding the windows down, and by eating morsels of the leather trim from the door panels.

Tobias McDell, 106, who was rescued along with his wife, Della, 102, and their 4 children, now all in their mid to late 70s, told reporters last night: “It was ok at first as we were confident of being rescued, but after a few years, it got pretty boring. We tried playing I-Spy, but there’s only so many guesses you can have at words beginning with s.”

Reports are coming in that the McDells have now asked to be reburied after spotting TV footage of Jacob Rees-Mogg lying about Brexit benefits and a recent televised speech by former US President, Donald Trump.

Major shift in tectonic plates caused by Whitney’s wobbly singing, say geologists

plates

According to a recent study, a huge movement of the Pacific tectonic plates in 1992 was caused by the constant playing of Whitney Houston’s smash hit, I Will Always Love You’ on radio stations and in people’s homes on the North American continent.

A spokesman for the Geological Society of Great Britain told newsmen: ‘The pronounced vibrato that Huston employs during the song, sometimes known as wobbly singing, caused the plates to shift and could quite easily have caused catastrophic earthquakes which would have destroyed entire cities.

‘It’s our view that she should cut down a bit on that stuff in future if she doesn’t want the deaths of thousands on her conscience.’

In 1999, an entire street in Bermondsey in South London collapsed as Christina Aguillera’s vibrato classic, Genie In A Bottle, was being played on the Ronan Keating and Emma Bunton breakfast show on Heart London FM.

Jeff Bezos tosses family’s gifts over back fence in pissing rain

 

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Amazon mogul, Jeff Bezos, spent last Thursday afternoon, driving around to the homes of members of his family in a white van containing their Christmas gifts.

Upon arrival at each address, he rudely left the van slewed across driveways, blocking thoroughfares in the process, before delivering each gift by tossing it over the back fence of the recipient, without bothering to knock and completely ignoring any Handle With Care notification on the packaging.

This was despite the fact that it was raining extremely heavily at the time.

Bezos then hurriedly stuffed tiny, economy Xmas cards through the wrong doors before speeding off to the next address as if his arse was on fire.

Upon finding a number of parcels left over at the end of the day, the billionaire mail order boss opened them, keeping anything half-decent and then throwing the rest into a hedge before emailing the family member concerned with a spurious, lying message, explaining that he’d tried to deliver the parcel earlier but nobody was home so he’d attempt it again at some point in the New Year.

One close family member recounted that it wasn’t unusual to find Xmas gifts from Bezos lying in a puddle outside the house with one corner of the box torn open revealing the contents.

Meghan’s Reckless Toilet Visit Could Have Destroyed Palace, Says Daily Mail

The Daily Mail newspaper has claimed that if Meghan Markle had chosen to use the lavatory at Buckingham Palace during a prolonged period of heavy rain, the old Victorian sewer that runs beneath the Palace could have become backed up, causing a catastrophic failure of the crumbling system of main chambers and side channels.

This in turn would have led to the whole building collapsing, possibly killing The Queen and any other royal personage present at the time.

In a sensational revelation, the Mail claimed: ‘If she had used the toilet during a period of heavy rain or a Thames flood tide, the old Bazelgette sewer would almost certainly have collapsed, killing The Queen.

‘It’s all well and good introducing some mixed-race diversity into the royal family but not when it puts lives at risk.

‘ Imagine if Kate and the children had been swept away and drowned in a tide of shit and piss. How would that have made her feel?

‘Happy probably’

A year ago, the same newspaper claimed that Meghan once slipped American black people’s opium into Prince William’s tea so that she could have sex with him while he was in drug-induced torpor, making her pregnant and thus enabling her to pollute the royal bloodline by giving birth to the first non-white King or Queen of England.

Nigeria in talks with UK for the return of Jacob Rees Mogg

Jacob speaking latinFollowing recent successful negotiations with several museums in the UK for the return of looted artefacts, the Nigerian government are now believed to be in the advanced stages of talks to secure the return of Victorian missionary, Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Rees-Mogg, who is estimated to be over two hundred years old, disappeared from his mission station in a jungle clearing close to the capital, Abuja, in 1847.

Initially, it was thought that the Roman Catholic member of the White Fathers evangelical order had been killed by native tribesmen and possibly eaten, but he then re-emerged in the Horniman Museum in South London where he remained on display in a glass cabinet for almost half a century, kept alive on a diet of hard tack biscuits, acorn gruel and holy water

In the 1960s, a deal was struck with the Rees-Mogg family who took him back to the family home in Somerset where he enjoyed a brief career as a performer in a local music hall, singing sea shanties and Victorian love ditties in a high falsetto while riding back and forth across the stage on a penny-farthing bicycle.

He then entered politics and became the Conservative member for East Somerset and more recently the Minister For Brexit Opportunities.

After failing to find any, he asked to be returned to the museum where he remains in the basement, awaiting restoration work on his knees and monocle.

A museum spokesman told newsmen last night: ‘We realise that Jacob may have been looted so we are very much open to returning him to Nigeria.

‘Let them pay for his kedgeree breakfasts and monthly subscription to Mature Nannies In Suspenders.’

In 1947, the museum successfully fought off an action to return Tory MP, Ann Widdecombe, to the United States after they claimed she had been looted from The House of Grotesques on Coney Island by drunken matelots from HMS Bulwark in 1870.

Local woman now comfortable that her fleeting fantasy of butchering husband will endure forever

lizzy

A 34-year-old Whitechapel woman has come to accept and even embrace the fact that the fleeting thoughts she had of brutally killing her sleeping husband following a flaming row will be forever lodged in her subconscious, periodically surfacing whenever a bitter argument develops between the two.

Tracy Dell has now come to terms with the premise and is wholly at peace with the fact that her murderous fantasy of hacking at her husband Toby with a hatchet before butchering his corpse will be a constant for the rest of her life.

She is also extremely comfortable with the imagined denouement of the bittersweet gore fest in which she puts the pieces of his dismembered body into bin bags and throws them down the rubbish shute at their apartment block in Vallance Road.

Actress in cold cream ad thinks director is a ‘fucking arseole’ following shoulder rubbing directive

cold cream
Other bullshit, nigh-on useless rip-off products are available

An actress in an ad for moisturising cream has condemned the director as a fucking arseole after he asked her to apply a small amount of the cream to the top of her shoulder in the opening shot.

Tracy Dell, 25. from Fashion Street in Spitalfields, told The Whelk: ‘The intro of the ad starts with a picture of a woman’s freckled back with patches of dry skin accompanied by a soothing voiceover which claims that this cream shit can eradicate it.

‘So why this fucking arseole told me to rub a tiny blob onto my shoulder with a blissful expression on my face is way fucking beyond me.

‘In my view, a guy with a muscular torso should have massaged some of this crap into my back.

‘That way, the back theme could have continued, along with the fact that some of the gullible middle-aged bitches that fall for this bilge would have got a little hot under the gusset and gone out to buy some in the mistaken belief that some hunky dude would end up rubbing it into their puffy, shrivelled up hides. It’s a simple as that my friends

‘I should have just walked out there and then but I need the cash for my rent and shit like that.

‘To be honest, the cream is crap anyway. I wouldn’t even rub it into the cheeks of my arse or yours come to that’

A spokesperson for the agency commissioned to make the ad responded: ‘Look, we don’t hire the directors and we’re sorry that Tracy thought he was a fucking arseole.

‘Maybe he is. Who knows? Why not ask his wife?

Ms Dell’s condemnation comes just two weeks after Strictly Come Dancing presenter, Claudia Winkleman, told Vogue magazine that the director of her latest hair shampoo ad was ‘A fucking shambles and an industrial-strength cockwomble’

Local man wanted to administer Kronos-style castration to ‘veering’ fellow shopper

kronos

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that his towering rage at a man’s erratic guiding of his supermarket trolley became so intense that he wanted to sever the man’s genitals with a sickle just as Kronos did to his father, the Titan, Uranus, in Greek mythology.

With flecks of spittle visible around his lips as he recalled the incident, Toby Dell, a toolmaker from Leman Street, told us: ‘This piece of human detritus kept veering from side to side in the aisle.

‘He seemed to have no thought for others as he aimlessly meandered across various aisles like the fetid scum he so clearly was.

‘I immediately thought of how Kronus hacked off his father, Uranus’ genitals and tossed them into the sea and felt an overwhelming desire to inflict the same punishment on this piece of vile sub-human rubbish.

‘Luckily for him, I had no weapon to hand to do the job so I followed him home in my car and posted some dog shit through his letter box’

Mr Dell went on to tell us that he often feels driven to exact terrible punishments on people he encounters, based on ancient myths, and once wanted to ram a smouldering, sharpened stake into the eye socket of a dithering woman in the queue at the post office like Odysseus did to the Cyclops, Polyphemus on that island.

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