Oprah Stands By “Troubled” Fergie Following Whitechapel Beheading Spree

Fergie pictured tying the knot with a paedo during happier times

American chat show queen, Oprah Winfrey, last night vowed to stand by her friend, The Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, after the troubled ex-royal was tasered and arrested in Whitechapel following a jihadi-inspired rampage, during which she beheaded seven people with a butchers knife in and around the street market in Whitechapel Road.

Oprah told The Whelk last night: “I’ve known for some time that Sarah had been radicalised and had embraced the twisted doctrine of Daesh, but I was hoping she’d get fed up with it and go back to writing books for kids about helicopters. 

“It came as quite a shock to learn she’d been on a murderous rampage in Whitechapel, but I don’t think this is the time for recriminations. 

“I think the cops should just give her a stern telling-off, after which she could go into a special home for a few weeks; like the one she was sent to when she was on the sauce”

This latest incident involving a minor royal mirrors the 2011 incident when Prince Edward’s ex-wife, Sophie, Countess of Wessex, opened fire on Muslim shoppers with an AK47 in the Shoreditch branch of Boots in a protest at the extradition to The Hague of Serbian warlord Ratko Mladic.

Londoner had fatal stroke following Northerner’s attempt to strike up conversation on bus

A 45-year-old London man was killed instantly by a fatal stroke yesterday when a man from the north of England tried to begin a conversation just moments after sitting down next to him on a Number 24 bus from Pimlico to Hampstead Heath

Witnesses say the northerner seemed to target the lone male who was on his way to work in Charing Cross when the incident occurred.

A woman on board at the time told us: “He just sat down next to this poor man and began chatting.

“I couldn’t make out much of what he was saying due to the accent, but it was ‘reet’ this, and, ‘reet’ that.

“At one point he began talking about his pet whippet and how he keeps coal in the bath.

“It was shocking to witness and it’ll be a long time before I can get the image of that northerner’s overly-friendly face out of my head I don’t mind admitting”

Following the incident, the attacker was overpowered by fellow passengers and handed over to police, who wrestled the man to the ground and handcuffed him before taking him to Ebury Bridge police station where he remains in police custody awaiting an appearance at Horseferry Road magistrates court on Monday morning, charged with affray, resisting arrest, manslaughter and overfamiliarity.

This latest incident comes just two weeks after a 50-year-old woman from Spitalfields in East London, collapsed and died from heart failure in the arms of fellow commuters when a man from Sheffield in South Yorkshire approached her on the platform of Shadwell tube station and reportedly said, in what was described by witnesses as a cheery manner: “‘Ow do missus. It’s turned out reet nice again ah see”

Editor’s Note: It’s a complete myth that Northerners are, for the most part, pleasant and friendly individuals, while Londoners are taciturn, rude and lacking in warmth. Now get out, the lot of you! GO ON! GET OUT!

Local man eats wife after discovering she’s a cake

A cross-section of one of Mrs Dell’s arms pictured earlier

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man ate his wife last week after making the shock discovery that she was actually a cleverly sculpted concept cake made by a local online craft baker.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Vallance Road, told The Whitechapel Whelk:

“I married her a few weeks ago because she seemed a nice quiet girl.

“She didn’t do much around the house mind you and I always had to make the first move in bed.

“Then, a few days ago, I was having a cup of tea sitting next to her on the sofa and decided to playfully nibble her neck

“Imagine my surprise when I discovered she was made entirely from Victoria sponge.

“She even had a cream and strawberry jam filling.

“I helped myself to one of her arms and washed the crumbs down with my tea

I’ve put the rest of her in the pantry for later.

“It’ll probably take me a few more days to finish eating all of her and I’ll need to get on the old treadmill to burn off the calories, but I’ll have plenty of time as I’ve just lost my job due to covid.”

This news came just a few days after a number of people accused Prime Minister, Boris Johnson of being a complete doughnut.

Ask Ted Threesome: The Sexually Insane Whitechapel Gardening Consultant

Dear Ted

The wife and I have planted some geraniums (pelargoniums) in pots. They all have a flower bud, but someone told me to cut out the first bud to get more blooms for the rest of the year. Is this right?

Toby and Tracy Dell
Whitechapel
London W1

*******************

Dear Toby and Tracy

Have you ever done it in the potting shed where people can see you? I bet you have, you saucy bleeders!

It’s the excitement of being discovered, isn’t it? I bet you and Tracy are going at it full pelt right now aren’t you? Let’s webcam!

Do you enjoy being restrained Toby? Does Tracy lash you to the bed with thick gardening twine and then push phallic-shaped root vegetables up your bottom? I bet she does, the filthy little slut! Webcam me!

Do you want me to send you pics of me pleasuring myself on my allotment? I want Tracy to sneer at the size of my pathetic manhood on webcam! Christ, I’m close!

PS.  Yes, I would remove the first flower bud(s) to allow the plants to put their energy into root growth and getting established. That way you’ll get a much better display throughout summer, if you’ll pardon the expression.

All the very best you two and enjoy your garden!

Ted.

Ted Threesome is the sub/dom-editor of Popular Gardening & Extreme Bestiality Monthly

Politics in Brief: Trump and Pence to woo voters with Duelling Banjos

Jared Kushner pictured last night

The White House press office has announced that President Donald Trump, and his Vice President, Mike Pence, will go on the campaign trail in the run-up to the November election with a performance of the grammy-winning duet, Duelling Banjos.

A press spokesman told newsmen last night: “The President and Vice-President are both huge fans of the movie, Deliverance, particularly the Duelling Banjos scene, and have decided to replicate it at rallies over the coming weeks to keep the crowds entertained, and, in particular, the sizeable inbred contingent’

A White House insider last night revealed that, while the vice-president has pretty much nailed the piece almost in its entirety after a few day’s intensive tuition, President Trump has been less adept at mastering his instrument and keeps trying to play it by putting the machine head in his mouth and blowing.

More as we get it.

Local man in queue for flu jab fights back urge to attack pensioner with switchblade after irritating blood pressure query.

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man told a Whelk reporter earlier today that he had to summon up every ounce of his self-restraint to prevent himself from repeatedly plunging a switchblade knife into the back of an elderly man in front of him in a queue for a flu vaccination jab after the pensioner started asking the nurse if he could have his blood pressure monitored.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, told us: “I’d been in that damn queue for over half an hour in the baking hot sun outside the surgery.

“Everybody was masked up and socially distanced and I was more than happy with that.

“However, when I finally got inside the surgery and out of the heat, this old bastard in front of me started droning on to the receptionist about his f*****g hypertension issues despite it being the queue for flu jabs with f*****g great signs up all over the bloody shop.

“I felt my blood begin to boil and I reached for the flick knife in my pocket.

“I began to contemplate repeatedly plunging it between this old goat’s shoulder blades to make him shut up so I could get my damn jab.

“However, I managed to fight back my murderous urges and just shoved the coffin-dodging old bugger out of the way and pushed in front of him.

“It’s a good job I’m a mild-mannered and law-abiding man I can tell you that much.”

In 1978, Mr Dell served two-years for a machete attack on the shopper in front of him who pulled out a number of money-off vouchers when he arrived at the checkout.

I’ll masturbate every UK man and woman that beats covid, vows Bake-Off’s Mary Berry

In a surprise announcement last night, Great British Bake-Off legend, Mary Berry, told newsmen, that in a bid to encourage covid-19 patients to recover in full, she will personally masturbate every British man and woman to completion if they beat the killer virus.

Speaking from outside her home in Surrey, Mary, 108, said: “If by offering a free hand shandy to people who have been laid low by this dreadful illness I am helping them on the road to recovery then it’s the least I can do.

“Although I might be past my prime in the hand relief arena, I’m still very strong in the wrists due to all the whisking and cake mixture-beating I do and feel more than able to ensure that every recovered patient blows his or her custard.

“In the event that I do get tired, I’ve invested in one of those Fleshlight artificial growler devices for the men and a Black Mamba Bully Boy Ribbed Arouser for the ladies”.

It is estimated, that if Mary does complete her task, she will expel roughly one thousand imperial gallons of spadge and almost double that amount in scalding fanny batter.

Reuters News Agency

Ryanair’s five pounds flights to include post-takeoff floggings

A lucky passenger pictured jetting off to Sheffield on a budget Ryanair flight last night

Controversial budget airline, Ryanair have announced that their recently-confirmed £5 flights to selected European cities will feature a post-takeoff flogging in the galley for passengers taking advantage of the bargain flights.

A spokesman for Ryanair, who recently came under fire for making passengers go to the toilet in their pants if they refused to pay the airline’s notorious £100 ‘chodbin duty’, told newsmen:

“We’re delighted to announce, that for a few hours, customers will be able to purchase tickets to places nobody wants to go, like Albania or Huddersfield for just five pounds.

“However, they will be stripped and flogged with a cat-o-nine-tails shortly after takeoff by way of retribution.

“Salt will be made available to rub into their wounds post beating, subject to a salt and rubbing surcharge payable on pain of death’

In other related news; last week, a Ryanair passenger with suspected coronavirus was charged two thousand Euros for being dragged from the plane by men in Hazchem suits at Dublin airport.

EDITOR’S NOTE: If it’s possible to actually hate an actual company we hate these licenced brigands with a fearsome intensity. In short, I wouldn’t give these robbing scumbags the steam off your piss.

Local man tasered following Sausage Party jibe at cop

A 30-year-old Whitechapel man was recovering in hospital last night following an incident in which a police officer deployed his taser after the man had taunted him over the popular animated movie, Sausage Party

Toby Dell, from Vallance Road, allegedly jeered at the officer who was on duty near Aldgate East station, taunting him that he was going home to watch Sausage Party while the officer would have to remain on patrol.

A bystander told a Whelk reporter: “I heard a heated exchange between this man and a police officer

“The man was yelling that he was going to watch Sausage Party and that the officer wasn’t.

“He was right in this cop’s face, so when the officer drew his taser and zapped him, I wasn’t surprised and even gave him a thumbs-up while this idiot was twitching on the deck.

A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police said last night: “In the current emergency we urge members of the public to act with common sense and respect, particularly where Sausage Party is concerned.

“If you are going to watch it at some point, please close your doors and windows so that others won’t realise that you’re enjoying the sausage-based antics in the finest motion picture ever made while they may not be able to do so”

In other related news, the actors playing the main sausage and the hot dog bun are going to visit the Royal London Hospital later today where they will meet with frontline NHS staff to offer support and good wishes.